UPJOKE
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While stitching a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.

Eventually the topic got around to Donald Trump and his role as the President. The old farmer said, " Well, as I see it, Donald Trump is like a 'Post Tortoise'.'' Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post tortoise' was. The old farmer said, "When you're driving down a count...

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A man goes to the doctor

“DOCTOR I NEED HELP!“ he says.

The doctor asked curiously “why are you shouting?“

“I DON’T KNOW, I’VE ALWAYS BEEN LIKE THIS, CAN YOU FIND THE REASON?“ the man shouts back.

So the doctor examines the man, and after a while concludes that somehow, the man’s large penis is causing ...

So, you don't trust a doctor to stitch you up?

Fine. Suture self.

Should you tie or stitch your loose ends?

Maybe sew maybe knot!

How do you describe stitching that is mediocre?

Sew sew.

Bonus: how do you describe a field that has been mediocrely planted?

Sow sow.

I heard that in the States that snitches get stitches...

And everyone else has to wait 3 months in urgent care

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A man books a Doctor's appointment for his huge penis.

He books the appointment with the doctor and goes into to see him and explains,

"D-d-d-d-docter I have a really bad s-s-s-stutter caused by all the b-b-b-b-blood going to my huge p-p-p-p-penis"

The doctor takes a look and can see that is the case. They come to an agreement that the man...

I strongly recommend against stitching up your own wounds.

But if you insist, suture self.

I thought I fixed my pants, but apparently the stitching fell out...

Or sew it seams.

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I want to make a Russian coffee table book based on sex positions using cross stitch images. I will call it...

The commie suture.

Lilo and Stitch

There is a reason why Lilo and Stitch never took place in Alabama


Because we all know what Ohana means there

I asked my friend with a lisp if he saddle stitches leather under his kitchen faucet.

He said “I sink sew”

My friend had to go get a wound stitched

I told him to get well sewn.

My daughter told me this one today and it had me in stitches. Two goldfish are in a tank...

One turns to the other and says: "You man the guns, I'll drive"

`That cut looks bad. You should go to the hospital for stitches.

"Nah."
"Fine, suture self."

A monk got a stitching job in a submarine.

The captain, after showing the basic things required for the young tailor, left to him torn fabrics and uniforms of soldiers. As part of his job, he had brought his own sewing kit and he asked to left alone while doing his work.

The monk's work was nothing less than stellar, but sometime...

I recently had a procedure done on my elbow to correct a compressed ulnar nerve that required a 3-inch incision and some sutures…

Guess you can say I had surgery on my funny bone that left me in stitches.

The comments in r/CrossStitch are fascinating

So many threads

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Stitched up by my son.

I got in from work yesterday and was greeted by HPB Jr.

"Hi Dad, for Christmas I'm going to get you something that goes from 0 to 200 in one second."

He's been playing Forza 6 lately so I went along with it.

"0 to 200 ! Wow ! Where are you going to get the money to buy me a car ...

Rhianna is writing the soundtrack for the new Lilo and Stitch movie

It's about how Stitch develops a gambling problem

>STITCH BETTA HAVE MY MONEY

Why did the book get stitches?

Because he had his appendix removed.


note: books can also be female.

I had a patient the other day who didn’t want to let me stitch up his laceration. I said fine...

Suture self

Walked into a shop the other day.... got 14 stitches

I'm not that good at english so I'm wondering if there's anyone who could explain this joke to me. Couldn't find any explanation even when googleing. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RLjxEpKZyvI it's the first clip where Hugh Laurie tells this joke.)

I told my doctor that I could sew stitches better than he could.

He replied, "Fine, suture self".

What do you call it when a Doctor gives themself stitches?

Suture self!

What's the difference between a surgeon and a comedian?

A comedian has a successful day if his jokes kill, and he leaves everyone in stitches.

A surgeon can afford to move out of his parents' house.

(OC)

When I asked my tailor if it mattered that the stitching was unravelling on my pants, his only response was...

"Frayed Sew"!

You ever hear the one about broken glass?

It'll have you in stitches.

My buddy is a doctor. When he got a nasty cut, he insisted he'd be able to do his own stitches.

I said, "Fine, suture self."

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I'm taking up cross-stitch so I can make handmade gifts for all the girls in my life

Cause bitches get stitches.

(though I won't have as many once this stupid joke gets out.)

Did you know that Albert Einstein had a younger brother...

Yeah yeah he's called Frank and people say he's a real monster! It's really easy to make him laugh though, everyone has him in stitches

Batman and the Joker are in the retirement home together, working on crafts projects. Batman looks at Joker's cross-stitch of the night sky and asks, "Why'd you leave out the Dog Star?" Joker answers...

"Why sew Sirius?"

BREAKING: Stevie Wonder suffers major laceration in horrible accident

The wound too big for regular stitches, doctors were forced to use very super stitches

Why do Germans believe in procrastinating?

Because a stitch in time saves nein.

What did the doctor say to the annoying patient who didn't like the way he was stitching up his cut?

Suture self.

Need your advice

Grew up with very large ears and have always been conscious of them.

Couldn’t afford to get Otoplasty so I signed up for an experimental procedure that involved growing a new pair of ears on my body which would replace the old ones with a much more affordable surgical “cut and stitch” proced...

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What dog breed is the funniest?

Pit bulls, they leave everyone in stitches.



Disclaimer: I am a pit owner, and I still found this funny. Please don’t inundate me with pro-pitty rebuttals, I already know.

Husband send a text to his wife

Husband's text:
>Honey, I got hit by a car outside the office.
Paula brought me to the Hospital.
Doctors presently doing tests and taking X-rays.
Severe blow to my head but not likely to have any lasting effects. Wound required 19 stitches.
I have three broken ribs, a broken arm an...

Doctor she too loose

A man brings his wife to the doctor's office and says, "Doc, you have to stitch her up down there she's too loose."
The doctor says, "Why don't you use the other hole?"
The man says "I don't want her to get pregnant."

A friend of mine planned a trip to America and walked into a bar

They are now facing crippling debt from the ambulance ride and stitches

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I actually got to live through a classic joke!

**This is 100 percent true. **

Yesterday I was using electric hedge trimmers on my front bushes. My right hand was holding the safety handle. My left was holding a knob on the front right by the blades. That hand slipped and I reached out to stop it..... And grabbed the blades, still going....

A Scotsman gets dressed in his finest kilt and heads to the pub

He drinks a fair bit more than he should have, and after struggling for a while to make it home on foot, he finally decides to lay in the grass by the road and sleep it off.

A group of girls walk by and see him lying there, one of them remarks that she'd heard Scotsmen don't wear anything be...

What's the best thing about slapstick?

Regardless if you think it's funny or not, somebody will still be in stitches.

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There was a man that bought a new pair of boots.

He was so proud of them, when he got home he walked up to his wife and said "notice any thing different?" she looked him over and just shrugged her shoulders. Mad as hell he stormed into the bathroom to admire them in the tall mirror, then took off every stitch of clothing bar the new boots. Butt na...

Two guys are waiting in the unemployment line.

Two guys waiting in the unemployment line worked side by side in the factory for 17 years before it closed down.

First guy up to the window doesn’t speak good English.

The Clerk asks, “What was your occupation?”

Man: “Dieselfitter”

Clerk: (looks in book) “ok that’s $795...

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An octopus walks into a bar [NSFW]

An octopus walks into a bar and the bartender immediately turns to him and says “Hey buddy, we don’t serve your kind here! You have to leave!” The octopus, feeling disrespected, retorts. “Well why not? I can do anything any of you can do!”

The bartender looks at him, discontent. “Really? Well...

I heard a former Azkaban inmate is opening a Quidditch ball repair shop…

It’s called “Snitches Get Stitches”.

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Good Doctor

Following a difficult natural birth, the delivering doctor was tending to the new mother. The curious father asked the doctor what he was doing.

“She had a slight vaginal tear during delivery. I’m stitching it up.”

“Gee doc, could you put an extra stitch in there?” Asked the new fathe...

Doctor pulled a dad joke on my dad

My dad cut his finger while working in his shop. He was urged by my mom to go to the doctor and get stitches. He's one of those, "I don't go to doctors" and "I'm a cheapskate" type people.


After an hour it kept bleeding so he finally decided to go. He was checked in and the doctor was a...

The Bayeux Tapestry is not strictly accurate historically.

The whole story has been embroidered. Typically, by the winners. Some say it was a stitch-up!

I had a girlfriend who was adorable...

...so I called her Dory.

I had one who was cute, so I called her Cutey.

I had one who was lovable so I called her Lovey.

I was infatuated with my most recent girlfriend and called her Fatty.

Stitches come out next week.

Just had an operation on my funny bone....

Doctor said I'll be in stitches for 2 weeks.

I was having random bouts of diarrhea...

Couldn't figure out what the hell was causing it.

Then I started keeping track. I realized it was only happening when I would wear those polo shirts with the little alligator stitched on them.

Turns out I'm Lacoste intolerant.

A redneck mistook his own foot for a flounder while flounder gigging...

Later at the hospital, he was chatting with the doctor as the doctor was stitching him up. The doctor was also an avid fisherman too.

Doctor: I see you were using a double pronged gig.

Redneck: No, I use a single prong gig.

Doctor: Then why am I stitching up two holes?

Re...

It’s a little known fact that surgeons are actually really good comedians

They always leave their patients in stitches!

911 - A Parody Of Jingle Bells

Dashing through the snow, on a pair of broken skis


Over the hills we go, crashing into trees!


The snow is turning red, I think I might be dead,


I woke up in the hospital with stitches in my head, oh!


9-1-1, 9-1-1, Santa Claus is dead!


...

What's the first rule of tailoring club?

Britches get stitches.

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I asked a pregnant dog, "Why do you want to get a C-section instead of doing a natural birth?"

She replied, "Because bitches get stitches."

Don't you hate the purely fashionable pockets that don't open to hold anything?

What a complete stitch-up.

I’m repairing my Quidditch equipment with some glue and a sewing kit. Quaffles I can usually fix by gluing them,

but Snitches get stitches

After the operation I say to the doctor...

"Look, I'm gonna try to save some money and stitch myself back up."
"Are you sure?" He says, "alright, suture self."

A carpenter, a tailor, a sailor, a priest and an economist were stranded on a desert island.

"I could chop down the trees and make a raft." Says the carpenter.
"I can stitch a few sheets into a mast."
Says the tailor.
"I can navigate the oceans with the help of the stars."
Says the sailor.
"I will pray for favourable winds and good luck."
Says the the priest.
All t...

My very pregnant wife complained that bending over the sink to wash dishes was too hard on her back

"Oooh babe," I sympathized, "why don't you just stand sideways?"

The stitches come out on Monday.

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On no account should you buy trainers when you’re fully aware they were made by children in Indonesia.

I bought a pair yesterday and the stitching’s fucking atrocious.

I wasn't going to make a joke about Zion's shoe exploding...

Between stitches, an asian kid told me "You don't have quality material" insisting "[I] put myself in his shoes. Just for a minute. Just do it!"

Mr. Smith goes to the doctor with a nasty cut on his arm...

Mr. Smith goes to the doctor with a nasty cut on his arm. He says to the doctor, "look, I really don't want to be here. I'm deathly afraid of doctors and needles and all this stuff. Just bandage me up so I can get the hell out of here." The doctor says "Mr. Smith, this is an ugly wound, I'm afraid I...

I turned in my doctor for corruption charges when he wouldn't treat my open wound.

He was a good guy but I had no choice. I was losing blood fast and only "snitches get stitches".

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My grandma Edna had to get a job...

...so she applied and was hired at the toy factory where they make Tickle-Me Elmo dolls. She was led to her station near the end of the assembly line where the foreman told her what was expected of her.

A couple hours later, the foreman came back to check on her. He stood behind her and o...

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An old man is on his death bed

His wife is there with him. He gently grabs her hand and begins:"My sweet wife...Do you remember that time when in the first spring in our new house, I was pruning that old tree and a branch hit me in the head, getting me ten stitches?"

Wife: "Yes, my love. I remember."

Husband: "You w...

Reverse knock knock joke

*Told to be by my dad about 20 years ago:*

Dad: Got a good joke for you, it's a knock knock joke

Me: OK...

Dad: you have to start...

Me: OK, Knock knock

Dad: Who's there.....

Me: ಠ_ಠ .... Well I don't know, IT'S YOUR JOKE!

(Dad i...

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Mulan got her period in the midst of a battle...

Mulan was fighting in a gruesome battle when all of a sudden her period came. The blood had soaked through her pants and there was no way she could hide it.

 

*Oh no what if my comrades find out I'm a woman? They aren't just gonna punish me, but my father and family too!* She ...

Two blokes are out driving in Saudi Arabia.

The driver has a row of stitches around both his wrists. His mate points at them and says, “I see you won your appeal then...”

A rookie comedian asks an experienced comedian how he manages to cater his jokes toward his audience.

The comedian gives the newcomer a slip of paper with a website url. “This is a forum for comedians where they trade jokes. It’s perfect to find the right joke for the right occasion.”

So just before his first gig at a tailors convention, he looks up “jokes for tailors” on the forum. He manage...

Husband - My wife is missing. She went out yesterday and has not come home...

*Police Sergeant*:
What is her height?

*Husband*:
Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

*Sergeant*:
Colour of eyes?

*Husband*:
Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.

*Sergeant*:
Colour of hair?

*Husband*:
Changes a couple times a ...

Tarzan was swinging through the jungle

As he reached for a vine, his hand slipped and fell to the jungle floor and got knocked out cold.

He woke up and realized he didn’t have any broken bones everything seemed OK, except his wiener was missing. He assumed it had fallen off and one of the jungle creatures ran off with it.

H...

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A professional fighter and a seamstress walk into a bar

The bartender asks them how their day is going. The seamstress says her day has been sew-sew. The fighter just looks beat.


The bartender takes their orders.
The seamstress orders a thimble of gin.
The fighter asks for something with some kick.


The bartender tells them a j...

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A man was no longer interested in having sex...

So his wife decided to buy him some of the new UltraSexTablets to get him going again. She went to the doctor, who told her to grind up half a tablet into his favourite food so he won’t notice it.
The next morning, the wife was cooking breakfast and felt like putting the new wonder drug to the...

went to the same bar last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table.

said, "Good legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
Cost me 6 more stitches, but...

Uncle Fred

My uncle Fred went to a job interview for a diesel fitter. He was asked about his previous experience and he said he stitched clothing for 20 years. The interviewer was not impressed as he did not believe the job skills would be transferable.



Since the company continued to adverti...

Abdul and his friend Mohammed are trying to migrate to australia as skilled workers.

They go to the Australian embassy in Lahore and start filling out the application.

Mohammed goes into an interview room with an embassy officer and they start discussing his work
Experience and whether he qualifies as skilled labor. ‘So what do you do, Mohammed?’ says the embassy worker. ...

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Did you hear about the scarf that Eva Braun knitted for Hitler?

He said it was kampfy and that he reiched it a lot, but that it could have used fuhrer stitches.

A Redditor posts a joke.

And within 2 minutes of submission he has 8 comments telling him, “that’s a repost and that same joke was submitted last month and got 3k upvotes. We only want original content here!” So he deletes it and moves on.

Two months later he hears a new joke and posts it. Again within 2 minutes of s...

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A man got into a nasty accident

in which his penis was ripped off. At the hospital the surgeon was at wit’s end at what to do. Then he came a across a big dog whose penis he cut off and then stitched onto the man.

The man recovered and went about his daily life. One day the doctor met him and asked him about his penis. The...

A retiring obstetrician takes the bag of foreskins he collected during his career to a taxidermist.

The taxidermist looks at the thousands of dried up bits of skin and then looks quizzically at the obstetrician -- who says "I don't know, just make something nice with them."

A couple months later, the taxidermist calls to say that the souvenir of the obstetrician's career is ready. When the ...

Three spinsters went on safari...

and they came upon a huge gorilla. The gorilla grabs one of the women and runs off into the jungle. The other two patiently track the gorilla for three days, until they come to his lair. Ethel, the victim, is horribly bruised and scratched, without a stitch of clothing. Wilma and Blanche quickly...

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Mechanic

Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle. From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple that drove their car to Wal*Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping ...

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When you’re 60 who cares?

I was standing at the bar one night minding my own business. This FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, "You're kinda cute. You gotta phone number?" I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?" She said, "Yeah, I got a pen". I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."...

So I told my friend a joke about embroidery the other day...

and the punchline had him in stitches!

A rabbit walks into a butcher shop

(All credit to Eddie Izzard, who told this joke at the end of his Wunderbar show here recently and who left us in stitches with his delivery of it.)



One morning, a rabbit walks into a butcher shop and says, 'Hello, sir. Do you have any carrots?'

The barber responds, 'Carrots? T...

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3 surgeons discuss who is the best surgeon of them.

Says the one: "I am the best surgeon of Texas! A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident. I sewed them on and tomorrow he gives a private concert for the queen."

Says the second: "This is nothing! A young man lost both his arms and his legs in an accident. I stitched them back on and t...

Mick and Paddy had promised their Uncle Seamus...

...who had been a seafaring gent all his life, to bury him at sea when he died.

Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the boys kept their promise.

They set off with Uncle Seamus all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their row boat.

After a while Mick says, 'Do...

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A man went to his doctor because he had trouble peeing...

He complained about how he had to struggle to even get a few drops out. Frowning for a brief moment, the doctor assures him that a simple surgery would fix the problem.
The next day, the man returns to the hospital for the surgery and the doctor proceeds, the only issue being that the man's testi...

A magical teddy bear decided to go for a walk

The bear decided to walk down the street and he stumbled across an alley where he heard some weird sounds. Being a teddy bear, it figured no one would care if it saw them as long as it acted natural. So it went to see what was happening.

The bear noticed an infamous criminal beating a man to...

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The creation of a pussy, improved version.

Each man was a master-of-craft at his trade,


Now by God in his wisdom a task they'd been laid.


See them gathered together, by calling divine


to fashion a vulva of peerless design.


The first man, a butcher of eminent skill


took a hold of his bla...

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How to feed a cat a pill

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
<...

A man in overalls walks into the emergency room...

A man in overalls walks into the emergency room with the tips of his fingers missing.

"What happened to you?" Asked the Doctor as he began stitching him up.

"Well," the man replied, "I had to trim my bushes today, and I thought of a way to speed it up. Instead of using clippers, I he...

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