The 99+ Best Stitch Jokes

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While stitching a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.

Eventually the topic got around to Donald Trump and his role as the President. The old farmer said, " Well, as I see it, Donald Trump is like a 'Post Tortoise'.'' Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post tortoise' was. The old farmer said, "When you're driving down a count...

Need your advice

Grew up with very large ears and have always been conscious of them.

Couldn’t afford to get Otoplasty so I signed up for an experimental procedure that involved growing a new pair of ears on my body which would replace the old ones with a much more affordable surgical “cut and stitch” proced...

You ever hear the one about broken glass?

It'll have you in stitches.

I strongly recommend against stitching up your own wounds.

But if you insist, suture self.

I thought I fixed my pants, but apparently the stitching fell out...

Or sew it seams.

Three doctors walk into a bar…

They all sit down at the bar and order drinks.

They tell each other about some of their biggest surgeries.

The first one takes a sip of his drink and sets it down on the bar.

“I had a guy walk into the ER last week who was in a terrible construction accident. He lost his whole ...

I asked my friend with a lisp if he saddle stitches leather under his kitchen faucet.

He said “I sink sew”

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A man books a Doctor's appointment for his huge penis.

He books the appointment with the doctor and goes into to see him and explains,

"D-d-d-d-docter I have a really bad s-s-s-stutter caused by all the b-b-b-b-blood going to my huge p-p-p-p-penis"

The doctor takes a look and can see that is the case. They come to an agreement that the man...

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I want to make a Russian coffee table book based on sex positions using cross stitch images. I will call it...

The commie suture.

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A man goes to the doctor

“DOCTOR I NEED HELP!“ he says.

The doctor asked curiously “why are you shouting?“

“I DON’T KNOW, I’VE ALWAYS BEEN LIKE THIS, CAN YOU FIND THE REASON?“ the man shouts back.

So the doctor examines the man, and after a while concludes that somehow, the man’s large penis is causing ...

My friend had to go get a wound stitched

I told him to get well sewn.

What do you call it when a Doctor gives themself stitches?

Suture self!

Lilo and Stitch

There is a reason why Lilo and Stitch never took place in Alabama

Because we all know what Ohana means there

A Scotsman gets dressed in his finest kilt and heads to the pub

He drinks a fair bit more than he should have, and after struggling for a while to make it home on foot, he finally decides to lay in the grass by the road and sleep it off.

A group of girls walk by and see him lying there, one of them remarks that she'd heard Scotsmen don't wear anything be...

I was in the hospital and asked the nurse if I could do my own stitches.

She said "suture self".

I recently had a procedure done on my elbow to correct a compressed ulnar nerve that required a 3-inch incision and some sutures…

Guess you can say I had surgery on my funny bone that left me in stitches.

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What dog breed is the funniest?

Pit bulls, they leave everyone in stitches.

Disclaimer: I am a pit owner, and I still found this funny. Please don’t inundate me with pro-pitty rebuttals, I already know.

Batman and the Joker are in the retirement home together, working on crafts projects. Batman looks at Joker's cross-stitch of the night sky and asks, "Why'd you leave out the Dog Star?" Joker answers...

"Why sew Sirius?"

A friend of mine planned a trip to America and walked into a bar

They are now facing crippling debt from the ambulance ride and stitches

I had a patient the other day who didn’t want to let me stitch up his laceration. I said fine...

Suture self

`That cut looks bad. You should go to the hospital for stitches.

"Nah."
"Fine, suture self."

The comments in r/CrossStitch are fascinating

So many threads

My daughter told me this one today and it had me in stitches. Two goldfish are in a tank...

One turns to the other and says: "You man the guns, I'll drive"

A monk got a stitching job in a submarine.

The captain, after showing the basic things required for the young tailor, left to him torn fabrics and uniforms of soldiers. As part of his job, he had brought his own sewing kit and he asked to left alone while doing his work.

The monk's work was nothing less than stellar, but sometime...

A Redditor posts a joke.

And within 2 minutes of submission he has 8 comments telling him, “that’s a repost and that same joke was submitted last month and got 3k upvotes. We only want original content here!” So he deletes it and moves on.

Two months later he hears a new joke and posts it. Again within 2 minutes of s...

Rhianna is writing the soundtrack for the new Lilo and Stitch movie

It's about how Stitch develops a gambling problem

>STITCH BETTA HAVE MY MONEY

My buddy is a doctor. When he got a nasty cut, he insisted he'd be able to do his own stitches.

I said, "Fine, suture self."

What's the best thing about slapstick?

Regardless if you think it's funny or not, somebody will still be in stitches.

When I asked my tailor if it mattered that the stitching was unravelling on my pants, his only response was...

"Frayed Sew"!

Walked into a shop the other day.... got 14 stitches

I'm not that good at english so I'm wondering if there's anyone who could explain this joke to me. Couldn't find any explanation even when googleing. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RLjxEpKZyvI it's the first clip where Hugh Laurie tells this joke.)

Doctor she too loose

A man brings his wife to the doctor's office and says, "Doc, you have to stitch her up down there she's too loose."
The doctor says, "Why don't you use the other hole?"
The man says "I don't want her to get pregnant."

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I'm taking up cross-stitch so I can make handmade gifts for all the girls in my life

Cause bitches get stitches.

(though I won't have as many once this stupid joke gets out.)

What did the doctor say to the annoying patient who didn't like the way he was stitching up his cut?

Suture self.

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Stitched up by my son.

I got in from work yesterday and was greeted by HPB Jr.

"Hi Dad, for Christmas I'm going to get you something that goes from 0 to 200 in one second."

He's been playing Forza 6 lately so I went along with it.

"0 to 200 ! Wow ! Where are you going to get the money to buy me a car ...

Why did the book get stitches?

Because he had his appendix removed.

note: books can also be female.

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There was a man that bought a new pair of boots.

He was so proud of them, when he got home he walked up to his wife and said "notice any thing different?" she looked him over and just shrugged her shoulders. Mad as hell he stormed into the bathroom to admire them in the tall mirror, then took off every stitch of clothing bar the new boots. Butt na...

Two guys are waiting in the unemployment line.

Two guys waiting in the unemployment line worked side by side in the factory for 17 years before it closed down.

First guy up to the window doesn’t speak good English.

The Clerk asks, “What was your occupation?”

Man: “Dieselfitter”

Clerk: (looks in book) “ok that’s $795...

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How to give your cat a pill

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
<...

Two surgeons are in an operating room...

One has a large cut. The second surgeon asks “would you like me to stitch that up for you?”

The first surgeon says “no thanks, I’d prefer to close my own wound”

The second surgeon replies “suture self”

Surgeons and embroiders must tell the best jokes....

...they always leave us in stitches

I heard a former Azkaban inmate is opening a Quidditch ball repair shop…

It’s called “Snitches Get Stitches”.

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An old man is on his death bed

His wife is there with him. He gently grabs her hand and begins:"My sweet wife...Do you remember that time when in the first spring in our new house, I was pruning that old tree and a branch hit me in the head, getting me ten stitches?"

Wife: "Yes, my love. I remember."

Husband: "You w...

I had a girlfriend who was adorable...

...so I called her Dory.

I had one who was cute, so I called her Cutey.

I had one who was lovable so I called her Lovey.

I was infatuated with my most recent girlfriend and called her Fatty.

Stitches come out next week.

Abdul and his friend Mohammed are trying to migrate to australia as skilled workers.

They go to the Australian embassy in Lahore and start filling out the application.

Mohammed goes into an interview room with an embassy officer and they start discussing his work
Experience and whether he qualifies as skilled labor. ‘So what do you do, Mohammed?’ says the embassy worker. ...

Why do Germans believe in procrastinating?

Because a stitch in time saves nein.

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An octopus walks into a bar [NSFW]

An octopus walks into a bar and the bartender immediately turns to him and says “Hey buddy, we don’t serve your kind here! You have to leave!” The octopus, feeling disrespected, retorts. “Well why not? I can do anything any of you can do!”

The bartender looks at him, discontent. “Really? Well...

911 - A Parody Of Jingle Bells

Dashing through the snow, on a pair of broken skis

Over the hills we go, crashing into trees!

The snow is turning red, I think I might be dead,

I woke up in the hospital with stitches in my head, oh!

9-1-1, 9-1-1, Santa Claus is dead!

...

I was having random bouts of diarrhea...

Couldn't figure out what the hell was causing it.

Then I started keeping track. I realized it was only happening when I would wear those polo shirts with the little alligator stitched on them.

Turns out I'm Lacoste intolerant.

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I actually got to live through a classic joke!

**This is 100 percent true. **

Yesterday I was using electric hedge trimmers on my front bushes. My right hand was holding the safety handle. My left was holding a knob on the front right by the blades. That hand slipped and I reached out to stop it..... And grabbed the blades, still going....

BREAKING: Stevie Wonder suffers major laceration in horrible accident

The wound too big for regular stitches, doctors were forced to use very super stitches

Diesel Job (Fixed formatting issues)

My uncle Fred went to a job interview for a diesel fitter. He was asked about his previous experience and he said he stitched clothing for 20 years. The interviewer was not impressed as he did not believe the job skills would be transferable. Since the company continued to advertise for a diese...

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A man went to his doctor because he had trouble peeing...

He complained about how he had to struggle to even get a few drops out. Frowning for a brief moment, the doctor assures him that a simple surgery would fix the problem.
The next day, the man returns to the hospital for the surgery and the doctor proceeds, the only issue being that the man's testi...

Just had an operation on my funny bone....

Doctor said I'll be in stitches for 2 weeks.

Tarzan was swinging through the jungle

As he reached for a vine, his hand slipped and fell to the jungle floor and got knocked out cold.

He woke up and realized he didn’t have any broken bones everything seemed OK, except his wiener was missing. He assumed it had fallen off and one of the jungle creatures ran off with it.

H...

A rookie comedian asks an experienced comedian how he manages to cater his jokes toward his audience.

The comedian gives the newcomer a slip of paper with a website url. “This is a forum for comedians where they trade jokes. It’s perfect to find the right joke for the right occasion.”

So just before his first gig at a tailors convention, he looks up “jokes for tailors” on the forum. He manage...

Husband - My wife is missing. She went out yesterday and has not come home...

*Police Sergeant*:
What is her height?

*Husband*:
Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

*Sergeant*:
Colour of eyes?

*Husband*:
Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.

*Sergeant*:
Colour of hair?

*Husband*:
Changes a couple times a ...

Husband send a text to his wife

Husband's text:
>Honey, I got hit by a car outside the office.
Paula brought me to the Hospital.
Doctors presently doing tests and taking X-rays.
Severe blow to my head but not likely to have any lasting effects. Wound required 19 stitches.
I have three broken ribs, a broken arm an...

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Mulan got her period in the midst of a battle...

Mulan was fighting in a gruesome battle when all of a sudden her period came. The blood had soaked through her pants and there was no way she could hide it.

 

*Oh no what if my comrades find out I'm a woman? They aren't just gonna punish me, but my father and family too!* She ...

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A man was no longer interested in having sex...

So his wife decided to buy him some of the new UltraSexTablets to get him going again. She went to the doctor, who told her to grind up half a tablet into his favourite food so he won’t notice it.
The next morning, the wife was cooking breakfast and felt like putting the new wonder drug to the...

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Good Doctor

Following a difficult natural birth, the delivering doctor was tending to the new mother. The curious father asked the doctor what he was doing.

“She had a slight vaginal tear during delivery. I’m stitching it up.”

“Gee doc, could you put an extra stitch in there?” Asked the new fathe...

It’s a little known fact that surgeons are actually really good comedians

They always leave their patients in stitches!

A rabbit walks into a butcher shop

(All credit to Eddie Izzard, who told this joke at the end of his Wunderbar show here recently and who left us in stitches with his delivery of it.)

One morning, a rabbit walks into a butcher shop and says, 'Hello, sir. Do you have any carrots?'

The barber responds, 'Carrots? T...

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A professional fighter and a seamstress walk into a bar

The bartender asks them how their day is going. The seamstress says her day has been sew-sew. The fighter just looks beat.

The bartender takes their orders.
The seamstress orders a thimble of gin.
The fighter asks for something with some kick.

The bartender tells them a j...

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Mechanic

Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle. From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple that drove their car to Wal*Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping ...

The Bayeux Tapestry is not strictly accurate historically.

The whole story has been embroidered. Typically, by the winners. Some say it was a stitch-up!

A magical teddy bear decided to go for a walk

The bear decided to walk down the street and he stumbled across an alley where he heard some weird sounds. Being a teddy bear, it figured no one would care if it saw them as long as it acted natural. So it went to see what was happening.

The bear noticed an infamous criminal beating a man to...

What's the first rule of tailoring club?

Britches get stitches.

I’m repairing my Quidditch equipment with some glue and a sewing kit. Quaffles I can usually fix by gluing them,

but Snitches get stitches

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I asked a pregnant dog, "Why do you want to get a C-section instead of doing a natural birth?"

She replied, "Because bitches get stitches."

A carpenter, a tailor, a sailor, a priest and an economist were stranded on a desert island.

"I could chop down the trees and make a raft." Says the carpenter.
"I can stitch a few sheets into a mast."
Says the tailor.
"I can navigate the oceans with the help of the stars."
Says the sailor.
"I will pray for favourable winds and good luck."
Says the the priest.
All t...

The cowboy and his very smart horse (kinda long)

A cowboy is kidnapped by bandits. After taking him back to their hideout, they tell him that they're going to execute him at noon tomorrow. Now, these bandits seem to be pretty nice guys who just happen to be in a nasty line of work, and they ask the cowboy if he has any last requests before he dies...

Mick and Paddy had promised their Uncle Seamus...

...who had been a seafaring gent all his life, to bury him at sea when he died.

Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the boys kept their promise.

They set off with Uncle Seamus all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their row boat.

After a while Mick says, 'Do...

I wasn't going to make a joke about Zion's shoe exploding...

Between stitches, an asian kid told me "You don't have quality material" insisting "[I] put myself in his shoes. Just for a minute. Just do it!"

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My grandma Edna had to get a job...

...so she applied and was hired at the toy factory where they make Tickle-Me Elmo dolls. She was led to her station near the end of the assembly line where the foreman told her what was expected of her.

A couple hours later, the foreman came back to check on her. He stood behind her and o...

My very pregnant wife complained that bending over the sink to wash dishes was too hard on her back

"Oooh babe," I sympathized, "why don't you just stand sideways?"

The stitches come out on Monday.

A redneck mistook his own foot for a flounder while flounder gigging...

Later at the hospital, he was chatting with the doctor as the doctor was stitching him up. The doctor was also an avid fisherman too.

Doctor: I see you were using a double pronged gig.

Redneck: No, I use a single prong gig.

Doctor: Then why am I stitching up two holes?

Re...

A retiring obstetrician takes the bag of foreskins he collected during his career to a taxidermist.

The taxidermist looks at the thousands of dried up bits of skin and then looks quizzically at the obstetrician -- who says "I don't know, just make something nice with them."

A couple months later, the taxidermist calls to say that the souvenir of the obstetrician's career is ready. When the ...

Doctor pulled a dad joke on my dad

My dad cut his finger while working in his shop. He was urged by my mom to go to the doctor and get stitches. He's one of those, "I don't go to doctors" and "I'm a cheapskate" type people.

After an hour it kept bleeding so he finally decided to go. He was checked in and the doctor was a...

Reverse knock knock joke

*Told to be by my dad about 20 years ago:*

Dad: Got a good joke for you, it's a knock knock joke

Me: OK...

Dad: you have to start...

Me: OK, Knock knock

Dad: Who's there.....

Me: ಠ_ಠ .... Well I don't know, IT'S YOUR JOKE!

(Dad i...

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A man got into a nasty accident

in which his penis was ripped off. At the hospital the surgeon was at wit’s end at what to do. Then he came a across a big dog whose penis he cut off and then stitched onto the man.

The man recovered and went about his daily life. One day the doctor met him and asked him about his penis. The...

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On no account should you buy trainers when you’re fully aware they were made by children in Indonesia.

I bought a pair yesterday and the stitching’s fucking atrocious.

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A gaggle of geese, a pride of lions...

... and here's how we might classify these groups:

- a brat of boys
- a giggle of girls
- a tedium of accountants
- a stitch of doctors
- a whine of losers
- a jerk of politicians
- a stagger of drunks

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Prom Night

Jimmy and Jessica are both seniors in high school, and prom is approaching. They've been dating for two years, and Jimmy wants to make sure that everything goes perfectly for Jessica; he really wants the night to be special and wants to pull out all the stops. Being that prom is only a month away, h...

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When you’re 60 who cares?

I was standing at the bar one night minding my own business. This FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, "You're kinda cute. You gotta phone number?" I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?" She said, "Yeah, I got a pen". I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."...

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The creation of a pussy, improved version.

Each man was a master-of-craft at his trade,

Now by God in his wisdom a task they'd been laid.

See them gathered together, by calling divine

to fashion a vulva of peerless design.

The first man, a butcher of eminent skill

took a hold of his bla...

I turned in my doctor for corruption charges when he wouldn't treat my open wound.

He was a good guy but I had no choice. I was losing blood fast and only "snitches get stitches".

After the operation I say to the doctor...

"Look, I'm gonna try to save some money and stitch myself back up."
"Are you sure?" He says, "alright, suture self."

Two blokes are out driving in Saudi Arabia.

The driver has a row of stitches around both his wrists. His mate points at them and says, “I see you won your appeal then...”

Three spinsters went on safari...

and they came upon a huge gorilla. The gorilla grabs one of the women and runs off into the jungle. The other two patiently track the gorilla for three days, until they come to his lair. Ethel, the victim, is horribly bruised and scratched, without a stitch of clothing. Wilma and Blanche quickly...

went to the same bar last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table.

said, "Good legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
Cost me 6 more stitches, but...

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Did you hear about the scarf that Eva Braun knitted for Hitler?

He said it was kampfy and that he reiched it a lot, but that it could have used fuhrer stitches.

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3 surgeons discuss who is the best surgeon of them.

Says the one: "I am the best surgeon of Texas! A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident. I sewed them on and tomorrow he gives a private concert for the queen."

Says the second: "This is nothing! A young man lost both his arms and his legs in an accident. I stitched them back on and t...

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A man gets a job with a tailor

The man, let’s call him Bob, was very hard working but a little inept. His boss decided to have him sew shirts to start.

He would always end up making one sleeve longer than the other.

Sometimes he would mess up a cuff.

He could never get the seams and buttons straight either....

Mr. Smith goes to the doctor with a nasty cut on his arm...

Mr. Smith goes to the doctor with a nasty cut on his arm. He says to the doctor, "look, I really don't want to be here. I'm deathly afraid of doctors and needles and all this stuff. Just bandage me up so I can get the hell out of here." The doctor says "Mr. Smith, this is an ugly wound, I'm afraid I...

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A scientist is studying a trained frog.

This frog has been trained to jump on command. Any time it hears the phrase "Jump, frog, jump!" it leaps with all its might.
The scientist prepares a scalpel, sewing kit, and measuring tape and begins his experiment; he says "Jump, frog, jump!" and as soon as the frog hears his voice, it jumps....

Today I was stabbed by a comedian

You could say he had me in stitches.

So I told my friend a joke about embroidery the other day...

and the punchline had him in stitches!

Be careful when you ROFL! I once heard a joke in a scissor factory...

It left me in stitches.

A man in overalls walks into the emergency room...

A man in overalls walks into the emergency room with the tips of his fingers missing.

"What happened to you?" Asked the Doctor as he began stitching him up.

"Well," the man replied, "I had to trim my bushes today, and I thought of a way to speed it up. Instead of using clippers, I he...

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