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While stitching a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.

Eventually the topic got around to Donald Trump and his role as the President. The old farmer said, " Well, as I see it, Donald Trump is like a 'Post Tortoise'.'' Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post tortoise' was. The old farmer said, "When you're driving down a count...

I asked my friend with a lisp if he saddle stitches leather under his kitchen faucet.

He said “I sink sew”

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A man books a Doctor's appointment for his huge penis.

He books the appointment with the doctor and goes into to see him and explains,

"D-d-d-d-docter I have a really bad s-s-s-stutter caused by all the b-b-b-b-blood going to my huge p-p-p-p-penis"

The doctor takes a look and can see that is the case. They come to an agreement that the man...

So, you don't trust a doctor to stitch you up?

Fine. Suture self.

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A man goes to the doctor

“DOCTOR I NEED HELP!“ he says.

The doctor asked curiously “why are you shouting?“

“I DON’T KNOW, I’VE ALWAYS BEEN LIKE THIS, CAN YOU FIND THE REASON?“ the man shouts back.

So the doctor examines the man, and after a while concludes that somehow, the man’s large penis is causing ...

Two guys are waiting in the unemployment line.

Two guys waiting in the unemployment line worked side by side in the factory for 17 years before it closed down.

First guy up to the window doesn’t speak good English.

The Clerk asks, “What was your occupation?”

Man: “Dieselfitter”

Clerk: (looks in book) “ok that’s $795...

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I want to make a Russian coffee table book based on sex positions using cross stitch images. I will call it...

The commie suture.

Diesel Job (Fixed formatting issues)

My uncle Fred went to a job interview for a diesel fitter. He was asked about his previous experience and he said he stitched clothing for 20 years. The interviewer was not impressed as he did not believe the job skills would be transferable. Since the company continued to advertise for a diese...

My wife started a program to support whistle blowers by knitting them sweaters.

She calls the program Snitches get Stitches

Why do Germans believe in procrastinating?

Because a stitch in time saves nein.

Batman and the Joker are in the retirement home together, working on crafts projects. Batman looks at Joker's cross-stitch of the night sky and asks, "Why'd you leave out the Dog Star?" Joker answers...

"Why sew Sirius?"

Abdul and his friend Mohammed are trying to migrate to australia as skilled workers.

They go to the Australian embassy in Lahore and start filling out the application.

Mohammed goes into an interview room with an embassy officer and they start discussing his work
Experience and whether he qualifies as skilled labor. ‘So what do you do, Mohammed?’ says the embassy worker. ...

After a bad cut, I asked the ER nurse if I could do my own stitches.

She said, “Suture self.”

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How to give your cat a pill

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
<...

I had a patient the other day who didn’t want to let me stitch up his laceration. I said fine...

Suture self

A monk got a stitching job in a submarine.

The captain, after showing the basic things required for the young tailor, left to him torn fabrics and uniforms of soldiers. As part of his job, he had brought his own sewing kit and he asked to left alone while doing his work.

The monk's work was nothing less than stellar, but sometime...

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An old man is on his death bed

His wife is there with him. He gently grabs her hand and begins:"My sweet wife...Do you remember that time when in the first spring in our new house, I was pruning that old tree and a branch hit me in the head, getting me ten stitches?"

Wife: "Yes, my love. I remember."

Husband: "You w...

My daughter told me this one today and it had me in stitches. Two goldfish are in a tank...

One turns to the other and says: "You man the guns, I'll drive"

Husband - My wife is missing. She went out yesterday and has not come home...

*Police Sergeant*:
What is her height?

*Husband*:
Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

*Sergeant*:
Colour of eyes?

*Husband*:
Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.

*Sergeant*:
Colour of hair?

*Husband*:
Changes a couple times a ...

Tarzan was swinging through the jungle

As he reached for a vine, his hand slipped and fell to the jungle floor and got knocked out cold.

He woke up and realized he didn’t have any broken bones everything seemed OK, except his wiener was missing. He assumed it had fallen off and one of the jungle creatures ran off with it.

H...

What did one doctor say to another that was giving himself stitches?

Suture self.

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A man went to his doctor because he had trouble peeing...

He complained about how he had to struggle to even get a few drops out. Frowning for a brief moment, the doctor assures him that a simple surgery would fix the problem.
The next day, the man returns to the hospital for the surgery and the doctor proceeds, the only issue being that the man's testi...

Two surgeons are in an operating room...

One has a large cut. The second surgeon asks “would you like me to stitch that up for you?”

The first surgeon says “no thanks, I’d prefer to close my own wound”

The second surgeon replies “suture self”

A rookie comedian asks an experienced comedian how he manages to cater his jokes toward his audience.

The comedian gives the newcomer a slip of paper with a website url. “This is a forum for comedians where they trade jokes. It’s perfect to find the right joke for the right occasion.”

So just before his first gig at a tailors convention, he looks up “jokes for tailors” on the forum. He manage...

Just had an operation on my funny bone....

Doctor said I'll be in stitches for 2 weeks.

My buddy is a doctor. When he got a nasty cut, he insisted he'd be able to do his own stitches.

I said, "Fine, suture self."

911 - A Parody Of Jingle Bells

Dashing through the snow, on a pair of broken skis


Over the hills we go, crashing into trees!


The snow is turning red, I think I might be dead,


I woke up in the hospital with stitches in my head, oh!


9-1-1, 9-1-1, Santa Claus is dead!


...

Rhianna is writing the soundtrack for the new Lilo and Stitch movie

It's about how Stitch develops a gambling problem

>STITCH BETTA HAVE MY MONEY

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A man was no longer interested in having sex...

So his wife decided to buy him some of the new UltraSexTablets to get him going again. She went to the doctor, who told her to grind up half a tablet into his favourite food so he won’t notice it.
The next morning, the wife was cooking breakfast and felt like putting the new wonder drug to the...

What did the doctor say to the annoying patient who didn't like the way he was stitching up his cut?

Suture self.

Walked into a shop the other day.... got 14 stitches

I'm not that good at english so I'm wondering if there's anyone who could explain this joke to me. Couldn't find any explanation even when googleing. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RLjxEpKZyvI it's the first clip where Hugh Laurie tells this joke.)

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Stitched up by my son.

I got in from work yesterday and was greeted by HPB Jr.

"Hi Dad, for Christmas I'm going to get you something that goes from 0 to 200 in one second."

He's been playing Forza 6 lately so I went along with it.

"0 to 200 ! Wow ! Where are you going to get the money to buy me a car ...

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I'm taking up cross-stitch so I can make handmade gifts for all the girls in my life

Cause bitches get stitches.

(though I won't have as many once this stupid joke gets out.)

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Good Doctor

Following a difficult natural birth, the delivering doctor was tending to the new mother. The curious father asked the doctor what he was doing.

“She had a slight vaginal tear during delivery. I’m stitching it up.”

“Gee doc, could you put an extra stitch in there?” Asked the new fathe...

Why did the book get stitches?

Because he had his appendix removed.


note: books can also be female.

BREAKING: Stevie Wonder suffers major laceration in horrible accident

The wound too big for regular stitches, doctors were forced to use very super stitches

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I asked a pregnant dog, "Why do you want to get a C-section instead of doing a natural birth?"

She replied, "Because bitches get stitches."

I’m repairing my Quidditch equipment with some glue and a sewing kit. Quaffles I can usually fix by gluing them,

but Snitches get stitches

A magical teddy bear decided to go for a walk

The bear decided to walk down the street and he stumbled across an alley where he heard some weird sounds. Being a teddy bear, it figured no one would care if it saw them as long as it acted natural. So it went to see what was happening.

The bear noticed an infamous criminal beating a man to...

What's the first rule of tailoring club?

Britches get stitches.

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An octopus walks into a bar [NSFW]

An octopus walks into a bar and the bartender immediately turns to him and says “Hey buddy, we don’t serve your kind here! You have to leave!” The octopus, feeling disrespected, retorts. “Well why not? I can do anything any of you can do!”

The bartender looks at him, discontent. “Really? Well...

It’s a little known fact that surgeons are actually really good comedians

They always leave their patients in stitches!

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Mechanic

Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle. From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple that drove their car to Wal*Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping ...

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A professional fighter and a seamstress walk into a bar

The bartender asks them how their day is going. The seamstress says her day has been sew-sew. The fighter just looks beat.


The bartender takes their orders.
The seamstress orders a thimble of gin.
The fighter asks for something with some kick.


The bartender tells them a j...

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I actually got to live through a classic joke!

**This is 100 percent true. **

Yesterday I was using electric hedge trimmers on my front bushes. My right hand was holding the safety handle. My left was holding a knob on the front right by the blades. That hand slipped and I reached out to stop it..... And grabbed the blades, still going....

A rabbit walks into a butcher shop

(All credit to Eddie Izzard, who told this joke at the end of his Wunderbar show here recently and who left us in stitches with his delivery of it.)



One morning, a rabbit walks into a butcher shop and says, 'Hello, sir. Do you have any carrots?'

The barber responds, 'Carrots? T...

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Mulan got her period in the midst of a battle...

Mulan was fighting in a gruesome battle when all of a sudden her period came. The blood had soaked through her pants and there was no way she could hide it.

&nbsp;

*Oh no what if my comrades find out I'm a woman? They aren't just gonna punish me, but my father and family too!* She ...

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(NFSW) A man goes for

For a cheap penis extension.

The surgeon suggests a baby elephants trunk stitched on for $2000.

The man agrees.

6 weeks later, while having dinner with his new girlfriend he feels an unusual stirring in his pants and thinks this is the night.

While chatting over dinner hi...

The Bayeux Tapestry is not strictly accurate historically.

The whole story has been embroidered. Typically, by the winners. Some say it was a stitch-up!

Husband send a text to his wife

Husband's text:
>Honey, I got hit by a car outside the office.
Paula brought me to the Hospital.
Doctors presently doing tests and taking X-rays.
Severe blow to my head but not likely to have any lasting effects. Wound required 19 stitches.
I have three broken ribs, a broken arm an...

I wasn't going to make a joke about Zion's shoe exploding...

Between stitches, an asian kid told me "You don't have quality material" insisting "[I] put myself in his shoes. Just for a minute. Just do it!"

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On no account should you buy trainers when you’re fully aware they were made by children in Indonesia.

I bought a pair yesterday and the stitching’s fucking atrocious.

My very pregnant wife complained that bending over the sink to wash dishes was too hard on her back

"Oooh babe," I sympathized, "why don't you just stand sideways?"

The stitches come out on Monday.

Doctor pulled a dad joke on my dad

My dad cut his finger while working in his shop. He was urged by my mom to go to the doctor and get stitches. He's one of those, "I don't go to doctors" and "I'm a cheapskate" type people.


After an hour it kept bleeding so he finally decided to go. He was checked in and the doctor was a...

A carpenter, a tailor, a sailor, a priest and an economist were stranded on a desert island.

"I could chop down the trees and make a raft." Says the carpenter.
"I can stitch a few sheets into a mast."
Says the tailor.
"I can navigate the oceans with the help of the stars."
Says the sailor.
"I will pray for favourable winds and good luck."
Says the the priest.
All t...

Mick and Paddy had promised their Uncle Seamus...

...who had been a seafaring gent all his life, to bury him at sea when he died.

Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the boys kept their promise.

They set off with Uncle Seamus all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their row boat.

After a while Mick says, 'Do...

Why do comedians enjoy performing in the ER?

Because the audience always leaves in stitches

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A man got into a nasty accident

in which his penis was ripped off. At the hospital the surgeon was at wit’s end at what to do. Then he came a across a big dog whose penis he cut off and then stitched onto the man.

The man recovered and went about his daily life. One day the doctor met him and asked him about his penis. The...

I turned in my doctor for corruption charges when he wouldn't treat my open wound.

He was a good guy but I had no choice. I was losing blood fast and only "snitches get stitches".

Two blokes are out driving in Saudi Arabia.

The driver has a row of stitches around both his wrists. His mate points at them and says, “I see you won your appeal then...”

A redneck mistook his own foot for a flounder while flounder gigging...

Later at the hospital, he was chatting with the doctor as the doctor was stitching him up. The doctor was also an avid fisherman too.

Doctor: I see you were using a double pronged gig.

Redneck: No, I use a single prong gig.

Doctor: Then why am I stitching up two holes?

Re...

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A gaggle of geese, a pride of lions...

... and here's how we might classify these groups:

- a brat of boys
- a giggle of girls
- a tedium of accountants
- a stitch of doctors
- a whine of losers
- a jerk of politicians
- a stagger of drunks

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The creation of a pussy, improved version.

Each man was a master-of-craft at his trade,


Now by God in his wisdom a task they'd been laid.


See them gathered together, by calling divine


to fashion a vulva of peerless design.


The first man, a butcher of eminent skill


took a hold of his bla...

The cowboy and his very smart horse (kinda long)

A cowboy is kidnapped by bandits. After taking him back to their hideout, they tell him that they're going to execute him at noon tomorrow. Now, these bandits seem to be pretty nice guys who just happen to be in a nasty line of work, and they ask the cowboy if he has any last requests before he dies...

A retiring obstetrician takes the bag of foreskins he collected during his career to a taxidermist.

The taxidermist looks at the thousands of dried up bits of skin and then looks quizzically at the obstetrician -- who says "I don't know, just make something nice with them."

A couple months later, the taxidermist calls to say that the souvenir of the obstetrician's career is ready. When the ...

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When you’re 60 who cares?

I was standing at the bar one night minding my own business. This FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, "You're kinda cute. You gotta phone number?" I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?" She said, "Yeah, I got a pen". I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."...

Reverse knock knock joke

*Told to be by my dad about 20 years ago:*

Dad: Got a good joke for you, it's a knock knock joke

Me: OK...

Dad: you have to start...

Me: OK, Knock knock

Dad: Who's there.....

Me: &#3232;_&#3232; .... Well I don't know, IT'S YOUR JOKE!

(Dad i...

After the operation I say to the doctor...

"Look, I'm gonna try to save some money and stitch myself back up."
"Are you sure?" He says, "alright, suture self."

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3 surgeons discuss who is the best surgeon of them.

Says the one: "I am the best surgeon of Texas! A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident. I sewed them on and tomorrow he gives a private concert for the queen."

Says the second: "This is nothing! A young man lost both his arms and his legs in an accident. I stitched them back on and t...

went to the same bar last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table.

said, "Good legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
Cost me 6 more stitches, but...

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Did you hear about the scarf that Eva Braun knitted for Hitler?

He said it was kampfy and that he reiched it a lot, but that it could have used fuhrer stitches.

Three spinsters went on safari...

and they came upon a huge gorilla. The gorilla grabs one of the women and runs off into the jungle. The other two patiently track the gorilla for three days, until they come to his lair. Ethel, the victim, is horribly bruised and scratched, without a stitch of clothing. Wilma and Blanche quickly...

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A scientist is studying a trained frog.

This frog has been trained to jump on command. Any time it hears the phrase "Jump, frog, jump!" it leaps with all its might.
The scientist prepares a scalpel, sewing kit, and measuring tape and begins his experiment; he says "Jump, frog, jump!" and as soon as the frog hears his voice, it jumps....

Mr. Smith goes to the doctor with a nasty cut on his arm...

Mr. Smith goes to the doctor with a nasty cut on his arm. He says to the doctor, "look, I really don't want to be here. I'm deathly afraid of doctors and needles and all this stuff. Just bandage me up so I can get the hell out of here." The doctor says "Mr. Smith, this is an ugly wound, I'm afraid I...

Today I was stabbed by a comedian

You could say he had me in stitches.

A man in overalls walks into the emergency room...

A man in overalls walks into the emergency room with the tips of his fingers missing.

"What happened to you?" Asked the Doctor as he began stitching him up.

"Well," the man replied, "I had to trim my bushes today, and I thought of a way to speed it up. Instead of using clippers, I he...

So I told my friend a joke about embroidery the other day...

and the punchline had him in stitches!

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