Sew Jokes - 89 Hilarious Sew Jokes

I have a friend who writes lyrics about sewing machines

She is a Singer songwriter, or sew it seams

They'll keep you bobbin your head.

My sewing instructor thinks I’m the worst student she has ever seen.

Sorry. Wrong thread.

What did Captain Picard say to the engineer when the Enterprise's sewing machine broke?

Make it sew.

I write songs about sewing machines

I'm a Singer Songwriter

Christmas trees are bad at sewing

They always drop their needles.

I asked the doctor if I could sew up my own wound.

He said "suture self"

Just sued my mom for sending me blanket made by her and her sewing club.

Quilt by Association

I stopped at the bar after work the other day...

...and there were three doctors at a table slamming drinks.

They were bragging about their best surgeries ever.

The first doctor said listen up. "One time a guy came in who was in a terrible wood cutting accident.

The guy lost his right arm, but I sewed him up in 3 hours. Now h...

(NSFW) Little Jonny is in sewing class

when all of a sudden, he clumsily catches himself with the sewing needle. Seeing that he is bleeding, the teacher offers him a plaster. ‘That won’t do Miss’, says Little Jonny. ‘What I need is some cider’. ‘Don’t be ridiculous’, says the teacher. ‘What on earth for?’ Little Jonny replies, ‘My sister...

They told me I couldn’t sew

... that was before I put my foot down!

Why can't redditors sew?

Because the thread has been locked by a moderator

I hired a hitman to clean up my sewing

He has been tying up all the loose ends.

Today i made a mistake while sewing.

Oops, wrong thread.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"In sick of sewing buttons!"

\-Incredible Hulk's mom

(Got this from the jokes section of an Argentine popular culture magazine, so yeah, us ARgentines have a terrible humor xD)

Two sewing machines walk into a bar.

One says ‘Are you a singer?’

The other says ‘Sure, janome?’

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tickle Me Elmo

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.
The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manage...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My sister was hired to sew 8 bridesmaids dresses by Saturday. . .

She seamstressed but she’ll get it done. However, her skills are only sew sew.

My mother just got a sewing machine

Needles to say, she was sattisfied

I want to make a joke about sewing...

But the people who get it are far and few between

What do you call a gangsta sewing group?

Nittas With Attitude

How do you describe stitching that is mediocre?

Sew sew.

Bonus: how do you describe a field that has been mediocrely planted?

Sow sow.

I'm trying to think of a sewing pun but I'm really struggling.

I needle the help I can get.

Sewing machine factory

This is a Soviet joke that was told to me recently. It takes place during a war.

---

A woman at a sewing machine factory has worked there for 40 years, working at an assembly line. A party is held to celebrate her 40 year work anniversary.

At the party, the director of the f...

If you're a woman who sews for a living...

You seem stressed.

My wife recently started sewing what she calls "quarantine skirts".

They look best when lifted.

I got a C- for my high school sewing project. The teacher's only comment was....

Seams reasonable.

Last night I ran out of sewing needles.

I should go to the supermarket and grab myself a punnet.

So Fred has accidentally cut off John's ear with his spade.

John and Fred were digging a ditch when Fred made a careless swipe with his spade and cut off John's ear.

"Help me find it in all this mud," said John. "If we find it they can sew it back on."

After a couple of minutes, Fred triumphantly shouted, "Here it is", handing the ear to John....

I have a new tailor, he's a fantastic seamster, but he always looked bored.

I asked him "Why do you never look happy? Everyone loves your clothes, and your business is doing wonderfully well."

He sighed and said, "Everyday is just sew-sew!"

Who sews really really fast?

Tailor Swift

What's the difference between a sewing machine and a female jogger?

A sewing machine only has one bobbin.

How can you tell if a sewing machine is trustworthy?

If it seams legit

What do you say to an angry woman sitting at a sewing machine?

You seem stressed.

I recently started sewing myself a sweater but I didn't have all the proper equipment...

...needle-less to say, I didn't get very far.

The sword swallower went to a sewing store to buy pins and needles

He was on a diet

Tragic sewing accident kills woman and three children...

Whoops, wrong thread.

Should you tie or stitch your loose ends?

Maybe sew maybe knot!

What were the monster's first words after Dr. Franksenstein brought him back to life after sewing together different body parts?

Thanks for re-membering me.

My son is going away to sleep away camp, and I was told to sew a label with his name on it on all his clothes.

...so rather than do all that I just changed his name to Calvin Klein.

I think my wife's sewing machine is on the blink.

I'm not sure what's wrong, it just doesn't seam right.

My wife got a prick in her hand while sewing.

"Stick it in cider," I said.

"What good'll that do?"

"I dunno, but there's this woman at work who says every time she gets a prick in her hand she sticks it in cider."

I’m repairing my Quidditch equipment with some glue and a sewing kit. Quaffles I can usually fix by gluing them,

but Snitches get stitches

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Three Surgeons meet in a bar...

Three Surgeons meet in a bar and talk about their work. The first one says "I sew 2 fingers that were cut off back on a guys hand, and I did it so well that he still became a famous pianist". The second one says "Thats nothing, I sew a guys legs back to his torso and did it so well that he still was...

A bad seamstress...

Rips what she sews.

Everybody in the village agreed that I did an excellent job of sewing their mouths shut.

After I left, they were humming my praises.

A nun was losing sleep over whether or not to take up sewing

She heard it could be habit-forming

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3 surgeons walk into a pub...

...The first claims to be the best surgeon of Texas: "the world's best piano player lost 7 fingers in an accident. I sewed them back on and yesterday, he played a private concert for the queen of England."

The second one answeres: "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and both legs in a...

Why should you never ask a tailor how he's feeling?

Because he's always just sew sew.

Dinner at Grandma's

A while ago, I went to my grandma's house for dinner. As I was there, she was preparing a rather odd dish. She was taking green onions and covering them with thinly sliced beef. Unfortunately, she was having a hard time keeping the beef and the onions together, so she tied them with a ribbon she ...

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John was livid that his Elmo puppet assembly line was severely backed up...

John was livid that his Tickle-me Elmo puppet assembly line was severely backed up.

He picked up the latest Tickle-me Elmo puppet and noticed two fuzzy balls sewed between its legs.

John followed the assembly line to the source of the problem and he saw his new Employee, Sarah, surroun...

What's the difference between Captain Picard, a scared female pig, a loose thread, and the likelihood this joke is terrible?

One likes to make it so, one is an afraid sow, one is a frayed sew, and sorry, but I'm afraid so!

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Bob is the owner of a sawmill. He's away on vacation when he gets a call from his Foreman, Charlie....

"Bob," says Charlie, "Bad news. Carl had an accident. Poor bastard sawed his leg off.

Bob gasps. "That's terrible! Is he ok?"

"Oh he's fine!" Charlie reassures him. "We put his leg in a plastic bag, rushed him to the ER, they sewed it right back on , and he'll be back first thing in t...

Our lawn mower broke

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her poi...

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There once was a man with an extremely high-pitched voice

(For retelling, ^(superscript) is high-pitched/falsetto voice)

He had since long passed puberty, but while his friends got deep, manly voices, his remained so high that he ^(spoke like this). Ever since then, it had been a tremendous source of insecurity. Now, he was in his thirties, and he r...

What does a tailor say when he makes a mistake?

Sew?

Tip your waitresses

Paddy and Mick were both laid off, so they went to the unemployment office.

When asked his occupation,

Paddy answered, 'Knicker Stitcher.. I sew da elastic onto ladies' knickers and thongs..'

The clerk looked up Knicker Stitcher on his computer and, finding it classified as unskilled labour, he gave him £80 a week unemployment pay.

Mick w...

I asked my friend with a lisp if he saddle stitches leather under his kitchen faucet.

He said “I sink sew”

I thought I fixed my pants, but apparently the stitching fell out...

Or sew it seams.

The extreme needleworking camp is this weekend!

Don't miss it.. it's sew in tents!

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Elmo production is now screwed

So, a little old retired lady applies to the Elmo production facility for a new job listed as "Quality Control". She reports to work on Monday and by 10AM, the production line is at a standstill. The manager goes out to see what the heck is going on. He sees her at the end of the line with a whole c...

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A guy with a stutter walks into a doctor's office...

He asks the Doctor, "Hey, d-d-doc. I have a bad s-s-s-stutter, and I th-th-think it's because of my twelve inch p-p-penis. D-d-do you think you c-c-can take a f-f-few inches off?"

And the doctor replies, "Sure! No problem, at all!"

So they perform the surgery, the doctor removes severa...

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A professional fighter and a seamstress walk into a bar

The bartender asks them how their day is going. The seamstress says her day has been sew-sew. The fighter just looks beat.

The bartender takes their orders.
The seamstress orders a thimble of gin.
The fighter asks for something with some kick.

The bartender tells them a j...

Do you know how to make a net?

You just sew a bunch of holes together.

The Tailor

Tailor: problem?

Customer: Frayed sew

Tailor: Sew its seems!

A monk got a stitching job in a submarine.

The captain, after showing the basic things required for the young tailor, left to him torn fabrics and uniforms of soldiers. As part of his job, he had brought his own sewing kit and he asked to left alone while doing his work.

The monk's work was nothing less than stellar, but sometime...

Daylight savings time.

Is the government cutting off the bottom of a blanket and sewing it to the top and saying ,"see its longer now".

Perfectly spell-checked poem

- I have a spelling checker.
- It came with my PC,
- It plainly marks four my revue,
- Mistakes I cannot sea.
- I've run this poem threw it,
- I'm sure your pleased to no,
- Its letter purfect in it's weigh,
- My checker tolled me sew...

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Did you hear the one about buttons?

they are sew fasten-ating

A man takes a job at a you factory

He is hired on to work the production line for Tickle me Elmo. He settles into his position, is given a quick set of instructions by his new supervisor and set to work. After finishing the instructions, the supervisor says: "It's super easy. Let me know if you have any questions. I'm check back in ...

Captain Jean-Luc Picard needed to mend his torn uniform, but his old Singer was broken. So he took it down to the repair shop...

...and said, "make it sew."

“I’ve been licking it for ages but it still isn’t stiff enough to get it in!” said the exasperated wife to her husband,

“Darling, maybe sewing isn’t for you if you can’t even thread a needle...”

My tailor really enjoys fixing my clothes

Or sew it seams.

There was a seamstress who wanted to be a singer…

One day, she found a bottle, rubbed it, and inside was a genie. The genie granted her 3 wishes. Her 1st wish was “I want to be a singer”.

Her wish was granted, and she was turned into a sewing machine.

If you do these things every day for 30 days straight you will be unrecognizable

1. Sleep 8+ hours everyday.

2. Drink four 8oz glasses of water minimum daily.

3. Get outside in the sun everyday.

4. No sugar.

5. Read for 30 mins each day.

6. Workout for 1hr 3 times a week

7. Capture someone, cut their face off then sew it onto your face....

"Honey, let's just a couple of sheep so we don't have to mow the lawn." -- "Oh, but what would we do with the wool?" -- "Well, we could-"

shear it

wash it

dry it

pick it

card it

bag it

store it

sell it

process it

clean it

buy it

keep it

pack it

send it

mail

insulate it

mulch it

fertilise it

toss it

compo...

A friend of mine asked if it is possible to repair a torn wetsuit.

It seams sew.

Simon was in a car crash with his uncle.....

Sadly his uncle died, but Simon was saved
but lost both his legs. The surgeon was able to sew his uncle's legs to his body. When he was recovered he decided to pursue his love
of music and performed in the local pub as Simon and Halfuncle.

Batman and the Joker are in the retirement home together, working on crafts projects. Batman looks at Joker's cross-stitch of the night sky and asks, "Why'd you leave out the Dog Star?" Joker answers...

"Why sew Sirius?"

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I knitted a dildo for my wife

She said it’s sew big

Ole & Sven go to the unemployment office

Ole and Sven were just laid off from the lingerie factory so they went to the unemployment office to collect their checks.

Ole goes up and rings the bell. The lady asks, "What can I do for you?"
Ole replied, "I vas just laid off from vork and I vant to collect my unemployment"
Lady - "W...

I had to stop going to the outdoor seamstress camp

It was just sew in tents

Data: Captain

We have the 20th century machine that puts clothes together now working. Would you like to see a demonstration.

Capt: Make it sew.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How's your homophone needlepoint project coming along?

Sew sew

Boudreaux and Thibodeaux got fired

They go to the unemployment office and Boudreaux goes in first. The man behind the desk says “Mr. Boudreaux, I’m sorry to hear that you lost your job. What did you do for a living?” Boudreaux replies “I’m a diesel fitter.” The clerk says, “Okay, diesel fitter is skilled labor, so we can give you...

Mom: I don’t think you know what it means to thread a needle through cloth.

Child: Yeah. Sew?

Sven and Ole joke (do your best Swedish accent when reading their lines)

Sven and Ole both lost their jobs when the clothing manufacturer they worked at closed. At the unemployment office, Sven was asked what position he held at the factory, he replied “Ya, well I sew women’s underpants.” He was told to go to the next line to claim his unemployment check.

Ole was ...

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curing a s-st-stutter

A man walks into a doctor's office and tells him, "D-d-doc-doctor... m-my wife s-s-s-sent me here to s-s-see if y-y-y-y-you c-c-can fix m-m-my s-st-stutter."

"Damn, I can barely understand you myself," said the doctor. Go on into the exam room, take off your clothes. I'll be in there in a min...

Two old women are sitting on a porch smoking cigarettes.

Ask they are smoking, it begins to rain. The first woman's cigarette gets wet and goes out. As she looks at her friend, she sees something fascinating unfold.

Her friend has brought out a condom and a pair of small sewing scissors. She unrolls the condom, cuts off the end of it, and sl...

Did you see the Chinese flag on the moon?

There are children all over China bragging they sewed it.

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