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Threw Jokes

Chuck Norris once threw a grenade and killed 50 men.

It exploded and killed 20 more. Then he threw the pin and killed 10 more men.

I threw my wife a suprise bukkake party

Everyone came. You should have seen her face.

I threw a boomerang a few years ago

I now live in constant fear

At a recent rally, somebody threw a beer at Trump's head...

He's fine. It was a draft, so he dodged it.

My Bluetooth speaker wasn't working so I threw it into the lake...

Now it's syncing.

Someone threw a beer at President Trump during last nights National Championship Game.

It was a draft, so he easily dodged it.

I was so embarrassed that my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set that I threw the bedsheet over it.

I think I managed to cover my tracks.

Somebody just threw a jar of mayonnaise at me

I was like, "What the Hellmann?"

My father believed that men learn by just doing things and figuring it out so when I was 3 my dad threw me into the ocean.

To teach himself CPR.

I threw a ball for my dog the other day

A little over the top, but he looked great in a tuxedo

I was walking home and somebody threw a mayonnaise jar at my head

I turned round and shouted What the hell man

I once threw an abstinence party...

And no one came.

I threw a Chinese man down the stairs...

It was Wong on so many levels.

Somebody just threw a load of Omega 3 pills at me...

Don't worry though, I only suffered super fish oil injuries..

When Noah reached land, he threw open the ark doors and said, "Go forth and multiply".

When all the animals cleared out, only a pair of confused looking snakes remained.

"Didn't you hear me? Go forth and multiply!" Said Noah, annoyed.

"We can't" replied one of the snakes. "We're adders".

After winning the game, I threw the ball into the crowd just like they do on TV.

Apparently that's unacceptable in bowling.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man threw milk at me today

How fucking dairy

In my 4th grade class the cutest girl threw away my love letter..

..so I failed her!

Someone just threw sodium hydroxide at me.

Actually, no they didn't. That's a lye.

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I was riding a donkey the other day when someone threw a rock at me and I fell off.

I guess I was stoned off my ass.

I went to a restaurant and the waiter threw my steak into my mouth

Guess I shouldn't have ordered the Kobe beef

I threw away spices one grain at a time.

It was a waste of thyme.

My neighbor got drunk last night and threw up in the elevator.

It was disgusting on so many levels.

I don't know why my friend was mad when I threw his frisbee...

He even said it was a new record.

I threw a party and everyone came

It's been two years and the walls are still sticky.

I threw out the curds

This is the whey.

I threw a boomerang with some RAM attached to it

It really brought back memories

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My son turned 18 recently. I immediately threw out his spoiled, rotten ass.

I'm donating the rest of his corpse to science.

When I moved into my new igloo my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.

Now I'm homeless.

I threw a seasoning at someone they said it was assault

But it was pepper

(OC)

I threw a pencil yesterday

I suppose you could say it wasn’t stationary anymore

My friend threw a bottle of omega-3 capsules at me but I wasn’t really injured

Thankfully, they were super-fish-oil injuries

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A Japanese, a Russian, a Filipino, and an American went to test the magic swimming pool that turns the waters into any substance of your choice if you shout it out loud enough before jumping in.

The Japanese threw his wooden sandals aside and ran towards the pool shouting "Sakeeee!!" He landed happily in 5 feet of Japanese rice wine. The Russian threw his AK-47 aside and ran to the pool screaming "Vodkaaaa!" as he lept in the air. He happily swam and drank the purest Russian Vodka after. Th...

A kid threw a chunk of cheddar at me today

I didn't think that was very mature.

Fortunately, it wasn't sharp.

Did you hear about the giant who threw up?

It’s all over town.

My grandfather was the type of person who never threw anything away

He died in World War II holding on to a hand grenade

Officer! That guy threw sodium chloride at me!

Police officer: That's a salt!

10 years ago I threw a boomerang and it didn't come back.

I've lived in fear ever since.

I lost my home because I threw a house warming party.

I miss my igloo.

My 12 year old’s joke: I threw my mouse against the wall because it wasn’t working

Everyone at the vet’s office stared at me.

I threw a party for people with erectile disfunction

but nobody came.

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A rich man threw a mansion party

It was of extravagant proportions. Hundreds of guests filled his enormous abode to mingle and drink with glee. During the festivities the rich man gathered everyone to the backyard.

“Come! I have something to show you all! As well as a challenge!”

His curious (also drunk) flock followe...

I forgot how my boomerang worked so I just threw it

And then it hit me...

I threw a surprise birthday party for my blind cousin.

He never saw it coming.

Once Chuck Norris threw a knife in Call of Duty

And killed someone in Battlefield

Years ago, my Mother-in-law began reading, "The Exorcist". She said it was the most evil book she ever read. So evil in fact, she couldn't finish it, took it to the ocean and threw it off the pier.

I went out, but another copy, ran it under the faucet, and left it beside her bed.

Johnny threw a pack of cards at Jenny

Jenny started crying but the teacher told her to deal with it

Just threw a rock 5280 feet.

That’s a real milestone.

I threw a boomerang 5 years ago

Today, I live in constant fear.

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Wait a minute, I can relax. It was made in china! Its not coming back!

Today I threw a penny down the well and made a wish.

That the police would never find Penny’s body.

There I was at the supermarket, minding my own business, when a man out of nowhere came up and threw a whole block of cheese at me!

Real mature.

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I just threw the family cat into a pool

Everyone is mad at me but I just wanted to get a pussy wet for once

When I was a kid I threw a boomerang, it didn't come back

It isn't a bad life I'm living, but it is a life in ongoing fear.

John has 20 watermelons and tim has none. John threw one watermelon at tim, what does tim have now?

A concussion.

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I agonized about this question for a long time, until threw up my hands in frustration.

"Why the fuck did I eat them?"

A Computer Science student at MIT showed up at his buddies dorm room with a new bike. His buddy said “sweet bike, where’d ya get it?”

“You’ll never believe this,” he said, “I was walking across campus and this beautiful blonde on a bike stopped, threw down her bike, tore off all her clothes and said _take whatever you want!_”

His buddy stared at him blankly for a minute, then said “smart. Her clothes would have never fit yo...

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To the jerk that threw the rock through my window:

You must *really* hate Dwayne Johnson.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy is on the bus and sees a beautiful nun.

Wanting to bang her, he walks up to her and says “wanna bang?“ To which the nun replies “hell no“ and proceeded to get off the bus. Distraught, the man ask the bus driver what to do. The bus driver replied, “well every night she goes to the cemetery and prays, So if you go dressed as God and tell he...

I threw away a bottle of gin, but it kept showing back up in my liquor cabinet.

Turns out it's 86-proof.

A priest opens his confessional panel to a young boy.

The boy says, "Forgive me Father for I have sinned."
The priest asked, "What have you done, my son?"
He replies, "I threw pickles into the well."
The priest seems a little confused but says, "Very well. Say three Hail Marys and you will be forgiven."

Four more boys follow and say the...

Throwing Watches

Three tourists climbed up the tower with London's Big Ben and decided to throw their watches off the top, run down the stairs and try to catch them before they hit the ground.

The first tourist threw his watch but heard it crash before the had taken three steps. The second threw his watch an...

Somebody threw a rock at me with bgna written on it

That's bang out of order

Some kids broke into Twycross zoo and threw a penguin into the lion's den

It was total carnage. They couldn't even get the wrapper off!

A wealthy man threw a party.

He had recently purchased a tank filled with sharks, alligators, piranhas, and other aquatic animals that could kill people. He told the guests that anyone who swam across would get 3 wishes. No one dared to try it so the party continued.

About 10 minutes later, there was a splash, and there...

I threw my back out tilling the fields of Egypt.

My doctor said I should see a different cairotractor.

I saw a good looking guy at McDonalds spank his kid for throwing his fries on the ground.

So I threw my fries on the ground too

i threw my phone from the roof, and it broke...

i guess airplane mode isn't working

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The man’s wife left him

Upset, he went for a drive and suddenly ran over a cop and crushed him to death.
Not knowing what else to do, he threw the cop in the trunk and drove to the cemetery.
When he got there, he came across a drunken watchman.
"Listen, if you bury this body with no questions asked, I'l...

My girlfriend got angry when I threw fragrance sticks at her.

She was incensed.

Tea is an evil substance. It is much more dangerous than beer.

I discovered this last night. I drank 15 beers up until 3 am in the pub while my wife was just at home drinking tea.

You should have seen how mad and violent she was when I got home. She threw the chair at me and kept screaming at the top of her lungs. On the other hand, I was quiet and peac...

A hiring manager had a stack of resumes, took half, and threw them in the trash...

Coworker asks, "what are you doing!?!"

HR Manager said, "I don't like to hire unlucky people."

Did you hear about the opera singer who threw the game-opening baseball?

They say he had perfect pitch.

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A married man was having an affair with his Nympho secretary, and lost track of time.

Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told his secretary to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demande...

Muslim artists threw some paint bombs at a local building...

They blue it up.

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My wife walked in on me...

My wife walked in on me masturbating to an optical illusion. I threw my hands up and said, "Honey, it's not what it looks like!"

I lost a game and threw the mouse at the wall.

I was then promptly escorted out of the pet store.

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one asked - Where did you get such a great bike?

The second one replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up to me on this bike".

She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want".

The first engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice, the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I once Threw a lamp at my sister....

And told her to Lighten the Fuck up

Some guy just threw a gallon of milk at me!

How dairy

This was udderly dumb, I should stop milking this

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A married woman comes home early and finds her husband

having ferocious sex with a young attractive woman in their marital bed. She immediately says:

“You bastard, you son of a bitch, I’m calling my lawyer and divorcing you this minute, after all The love and devotion I have given you all these years, this is how you repay me?!!”

The husb...

My girlfriend turned to me in bed and threw this curveball at me.

She said, "Would you even consider adoption?"
I said, "Only if you got pregnant."

I threw a hipster into the Mississippi...

Guess whose mainstream now?

My old office finally threw away those old printing machines and bought new ones.

I couldn't give a fax anymore.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Koala is sitting in a bar...

A Koala is sitting in a bar enjoying his drink when a beautiful woman approaches him. She starts flirting and they chat for a few minutes before the woman looks at the Koala and says

"hey, you wanna get outta here?"

"Sure!" the Koala replied as he jumped off the stool and took her ha...

When I first met my father-in-law he threw a shotgun shell at me

Then he said "Nice catch but the next one's gonna be going much faster!"

A ghost threw a ball at me once

At first i was confused......





and then it hit me...

To teach me how to swim my dad rowed me out to the middle of a lake and threw me in.

The swimming was easy, it was the burlap sack that gave me a hard time.

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