Someone threw a bottle of mayonnaise at me.

I said, “What the hellmann?”

Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me

Luckily, I only sustained super fish oil injuries

My brother just threw an icicle at my face and my family just watched.

Getting hit in the face by an icicle snow laughing matter

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To the jerk that threw the rock through my window:

You must *really* hate Dwayne Johnson.

i once found a vampire in my hotel so i stabbed it with a wooden stake, shined my flashlight at it and threw holy water at it. died instantly.

still don't know why it had a bucket of candy tho.

I threw my wife a surprise bukake party

Everyone came. You should have seen her face.

I threw a ball for my dog

I know it's a bit extravagant, but it was his birthday & he looks great in a tuxedo!

My old office finally threw away those old printing machines and bought new ones.

I couldn't give a fax anymore.

My Bluetooth speaker wasn't working so I threw it into the lake...

Now it's syncing.

I lost my home because I threw a house warming party.

I miss my igloo.

My girlfriend got angry when I threw fragrance sticks at her.

She was incensed.

I threw a boomerang a few years back

I now live in constant fear!

Somebody threw a rock at me with bgna written on it

That's bang out of order

A man suddenly appeared at the gates of Hell… (Story Joke)

He looked up to see the Devil sitting at a chair.

“Hello my friend,” The Devil said kindly, “How are you this fine eternity?”

“A bit confused,” the man replied, “I didn’t realise that I was dead.”

“I understand,” the Devil said sympathetically, “Why don’t you tell me how you go...

My grandfather never threw anything away. Bless him.

He even died, holding on to a grenade in the war.

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A bouncer is working on a Saturday night at a popular nightclub for household utensils...

... One of the regulars, a mirror, comes outside for a smoke and greets him.

As they make small talk, a toilet approaches flaunting a pristine gold plated lid. The bouncer immediately lets him in.

The mirror rolls his eyes as the toilet pushes through.

Next, a limo pulls up and ...

I was so embarrassed that my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set that I threw the bedsheet over it.

I think I managed to cover my tracks.

When I went away to college, my parents threw a big going-away party

At least, that’s what they said in their letter.

Somebody threw a jar of mayonnaise at me yesterday

I was like, “what the Hellman?!”

Did you guys hear about the giant who threw up?

No? That's weird. It's all over town.

When I first met my father-in-law he threw a shotgun shell at me

Then he said "Nice catch but the next one's gonna be going much faster!"

At a recent rally, somebody threw a beer at Trump's head...

He's fine. It was a draft, so he dodged it.

When I was a kid I threw a boomerang, it didn't come back

It isn't a bad life I'm living, but it is a life in ongoing fear.

I threw a boomerang 5 years ago

Today, I live in constant fear.

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Wait a minute, I can relax. It was made in china! Its not coming back!

Some guy just threw a gallon of milk at me!

How dairy

This was udderly dumb, I should stop milking this

When I moved into my new igloo my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.

Now I'm homeless.

Just been assaulted in a health food shop! Someone threw a massive bottle of cod liver oil tablets at me.

Fortunately I only suffered super fish oil injuries.

My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry,

so I threw a coconut at his face.

Someone threw a beer at President Trump during last nights National Championship Game.

It was a draft, so he easily dodged it.

I threw my back out tilling the fields of Egypt.

My doctor said I should see a different cairotractor.

Years ago, my Mother-in-law began reading, "The Exorcist". She said it was the most evil book she ever read. So evil in fact, she couldn't finish it, took it to the ocean and threw it off the pier.

I went out, but another copy, ran it under the faucet, and left it beside her bed.

I was walking across the road and someone opened their window and threw a block of cheddar at me

I thought to my self,
“Well that wasn’t very mature.”

Did you hear about the opera singer who threw the game-opening baseball?

They say he had perfect pitch.

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A girl named Yu was being held captive by a tribe of goblins...

The goblins were very particular about how they did things, as they enjoyed toying with their captives. They all had a bizarre sense of humor.

“Let me go!” shouted Yu, who was suspended twenty feet in the air by ropes and pulleys. The goblins just chuckled at the fact that they knew she could...

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I was riding a donkey the other day when someone threw a rock at me and I fell off.

I guess I was stoned off my ass.

Our bands bassist was always coming in late

He just couldn't get the timing right, so we kicked him out of the band. He got so depressed, he threw himself behind a bus.

I lost a game and threw the mouse at the wall.

I was then promptly escorted out of the pet store.

so a guy walks into te doctors office,

and he says "hey man, I have really bad back pain" the doctor asks why, and the guy says "Well I came home from work, to find wife in bed naked, and it was obvious there was another guy there, so I started looking. I go over to the window, and see a naked guy running down the street. so I grabbed th...

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Scarlett Johansson and some guy were the only survivors of a shipwreck.

They didn't know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was...

At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him... after all, there wasn't anybody els...

While I was out driving, I saw another person driving while talking on their cell phone.

I got so upset, I threw my beer at him.

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them in the office and they took off for her house.

Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Confused, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have yo...

I remember the time my cousin completely lost it and threw a giant fit at her 12th birthday party. After she changed her outfit she was fine...

It was a post dramatic dress

A Computer Science student at MIT showed up at his buddies dorm room with a new bike. His buddy said “sweet bike, where’d ya get it?”

“You’ll never believe this,” he said, “I was walking across campus and this beautiful blonde on a bike stopped, threw down her bike, tore off all her clothes and said _take whatever you want!_”

His buddy stared at him blankly for a minute, then said “smart. Her clothes would have never fit yo...

Chuck Norris once threw a grenade and killed 50 people

Then the grenade exploded

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The man’s wife left him

Upset, he went for a drive and suddenly ran over a cop and crushed him to death.
Not knowing what else to do, he threw the cop in the trunk and drove to the cemetery.
When he got there, he came across a drunken watchman.
"Listen, if you bury this body with no questions asked, I'l...

Respect my authoritahh!!!

A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to an old rancher. He told the rancher, “I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.” The rancher said, “okay, but don’t go into that field over there…”, as he pointed out the location. The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, “look mis...

Simon Lizotte once threw a vinyl disc straight into a brick wall at 90 mph

Sounds like a broken record

A turtle walked in a restaurant but the owner grabbed it and threw it out.

It came back 5 months later and yelled: get your hands off me!

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A Russian moves to America

(Mild swearing at the end)

A young man from the depths of Siberia, Dmitri, moves to America hoping to start a new life. He buys a nice apartment, lives comfortably and integrates himself into the community, as a fine, upstanding citizen of New York.

6 or 7 months later, his old friends...

i threw my phone from the roof, and it broke...

i guess airplane mode isn't working

How the grandkids view us old folks (Long)

1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I will probably never put lips...

In an attempt to boost morale, my office threw a 'Christmas in July' event today. I got to talking to my coworker from Beijing and asked him, "Why don't Chinese kids believe in Santa Claus?" He confided in me...

"Because they make the toys."

I threw a boomerang two years ago.

I’ve been scared ever since.

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My friends and I were drinking and starting asking Alexa stuff. Alexa, what is a blowjob? Alexa, what is rim job? Alexa, what is a golden shower?

That barmaid got pissed and threw us out.

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I was volunteering at a soup kitchen buttering the rolls, but they threw me out for having a dry cough

I’m a bit confused why they asked me to leave - they said I was a super spreader?

A man throws bears into lakes

A man travels the world, throwing bears into lakes. In Asia, he threw a sun bear into a lake, but all that happened was that the bear became angry. In North America, he threw a grizzly into a lake, and again it was angry. In Europe he threw in a brown bear, and again it was angry. Finally, he went t...

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A couple of cowboys on a cattle drive were sitting by their fire in the middle of the night

... when a bearded stranger wearing bear-skins galloped up in a cloud of dust. He was riding a longhorn bull with a brass ring through his nose.

He jumped off , punched the bull in the head to knock it out, came to the campfire, and emptied a hot pan of beans straight into his mouth then wash...

Hey who threw the sodium chloride at me?

That’s a salt!

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An old Jew is walking home from work

An old Jew is walking home from work and passes a fancy restaurant. He looks in the window and sees rich people talking and laughing as they eat delicious cheese blintzes.

The old man is inspired: "blintzes for dinner!" and continues his long walk home. When he gets home, he announced to his ...

The first mate on a ship rarely drinks

The first mate on a ship rarely drinks, but the crew threw him a party on his birthday and went out of their way to get him drunk. The next morning he woke up with a hangover, and went to the bridge. He opened the ship's log and found that the captain had written, "The first mate got drunk last nigh...

I threw a brick in the air and pondered what would happen...

... and then it hit me.

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Dear Mom and Dad

We are having a great time here at Camp CatchaCough. Our Scoutmaster is making us all write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and worried. We are OK. Only 1 of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away.
Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain look...

We threw a house party that ended badly last night, after the wife put her best friend in hospital with a single punch.

The worst fruit allergy I've ever seen.

A wealthy man threw a party.

He had recently purchased a tank filled with sharks, alligators, piranhas, and other aquatic animals that could kill people. He told the guests that anyone who swam across would get 3 wishes. No one dared to try it so the party continued.

About 10 minutes later, there was a splash, and there...

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A frustrated wife goes to the doctor (long)

"Doctor, you have to help me. I've been married 30 years to my husband and I feel he's lost all interest in me. You know, phisically speaking. He barely looks at me, let alone have sex with me. Oh, I really miss the good old times where we had wonderful sex multiple times a week, there must be somet...

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Wishes

A young girl was passing her teenage sister's bedroom door when she heard her sister talking. She opened the door slightly and saw her sister lying naked in bed and moaning. One hand was between her legs and the other was on her breasts, She rubbed herself vigorously as she muttered, "God I need a m...

Someone threw part of a brick through my front window. The police couldn’t do anything though

They said there wasn’t enough concrete evidence

A man is sitting down for his dinner.

He hears a knock at the door. And as he lives in quite a rural area there doesn't tend to be that many visitors, so he was quite taken aback. As he opened the door, he looked round everywhere but there was no one there. He was very confused. But then looking down on the floor, he saw a snail and thr...

I thought I'd lost my boomerang the other day when I threw it too hard

And then it hit me

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An injured American soldier is boarding a train to the hospital, but the train is full because a woman and her dog took up the last two seats.

The man says to the woman, "would you please mind taking up only one seat? You don't need two separate seats for you and your dog." But the woman refuses. Then the man tells the woman that he is exhausted from the war and is injured, the last seat on the train isn't too much to ask for, yet the woma...

I once dated a girl and she threw up a bunch of red flags.

It turned out that she was an avid communist.

A physicist's girlfriend said she wished he'd help her realize her potential.

So he threw her off a 100 meter cliff.

I saw a crying baby in a hot car today, I grabbed a rock and threw it at the window.....

Little did I know the window was rolled down... at least it stopped crying

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My husband and i were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theatre.

Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a 'night light' and the answering machine, then put the cat in the backyard. When our cab arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat scooted between our legs inside, then ran up the stairs. Because our cat likes to chase our budgie we...

My girlfriend threw up when I told her I put ginger in our curry.

She loved that cat.

Did you hear about that kid that got overwhelmed and burst into tears when his parents threw him a huge Thor themed 6th birthday party?

He wanted something a little more Loki.

Threw out a noodle I found in a packet of spaghetti.

It was the impasta.

I was in the supermarket the other day when this guy threw a block of cheddar at me.

Outraged, I shouted : "Well that's not very mature is it ?"

My sister thought she was soo smart, she said the only vegetable/fruit that can make her cry is a onion

So I threw a coconut at her

Did you hear the one about the guy that threw his back out?

The garbage collector wouldn’t even take it.

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A man goes bear hunting in the woods

He finds a rather large bear and it spots him. He tries to shoot it but misses. The bear swats the gun out of his hands and trows him to the ground. Then rips his pants off and fucks him in the ass.

A few days later the now very sore hunter come back with a much larger rifle and attempts to s...

An old man threw a carton of milk at me today.

How bloody dairy.

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A zookeeper walks into a bar

A zookeeper walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Damn it's been a hell of a day. Some idiot visitor tossed a cigarette lighter into the monkey cage. We had a hell of a time getting it away from them. Every time we went near the cage they'd start throwing feces at us, which wasn't that bad, til they ...

I threw holy water at the demon and tried to banish it back to hell

My wife was furious and told me not to treat her mother like that

I learned to swim when I was very young when my dad threw me into the river

I thought i’d never get out of the bag

My friend said he was hot, so I threw my drink at him

"What was that?" Lemon aid

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One spooky night on Halloween...

Chris, an urban adventurer. was looking to have some fun.

He decided that since it was Halloween, it would be the perfect time to explore a spooky house. He asked the locals if they knew of any, and they informed him of this abandoned mansion not to far from where he lived. He was warned cou...

The French mafia threw me in a truck full of bread. I thought it would soften the drop,

but all I feel is pain.

Fast Food Fury

My fast-food order arrived but it was incomplete. I was missing my fries. They had no more ketchup. They ran out of napkins. And the cashier said, “I can’t give you a lid for your drink or you won’t be able to drink it,” and she pointed at the previous customer holding a drink. That is when I threw ...

To teach me how to swim my dad rowed me out to the middle of a lake and threw me in.

The swimming was easy, it was the burlap sack that gave me a hard time.

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Did you hear about Mickey and Minnie?

They’re going through a real rough divorce. Things got so chaotic in the courtroom—Minnie was screaming, Mickey threw a chair—that the judge took Mickey back into his quarters to calm him down.

As he’s talking to him the judge says “I just don’t understand it you guys seemed so happy. And th...

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Jesus went unto the mount of Olives. And the scribes and Pharisees brought unto him a woman taken in adultery; and when they had set her in the midst, they said unto him this woman was taken in adultery, in the very act.

Now Moses in the law commanded us, that such should be stoned: but what sayest thou?

And Jesus said unto them, *Let any one of you who is without sin cast the first stone.*

At this, those who had heard turned to leave; but one woman picked up a rock and threw it with great force at th...

Teacher:

Whoever answers my next question can go home.

Little Johnny throws his bag out of the window.

Teacher: Who just threw that?

Little Johnny: Me, and I’m going home now!

The chicken walked into a library...

chicken walked into a public library, marched up to the desk and said, “Bok, bok , bok, bok.”

So, the librarian handed the bird a book, the chicken accepted it and then left.

Ten minutes later, the chicken returned, threw the book on the desk and said, “Bok, bok, bok, bok.”

Once...

My girlfriend turned to me in bed and threw this curveball at me.

She said, "Would you even consider adoption?"
I said, "Only if you got pregnant."

After winning the game, I threw the ball into the crowd just like they do on TV.

Apparently that's unacceptable in bowling.

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I had twelve bottles of whisky...

...and my wife told me to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else!
So, I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task.



I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink, with the exception of one glass... which I ...

Hygiene

Women issues

I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already aroun...

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An old business tycoon marries a young supermodel but knows his jealousy will eventually, get the better of him…

So everyday, the tycoon; Mr Green, rings up his new wife from his office on the top floor of his international corporation headquarters in the city to their penthouse apartment in the suburbs. And everyday, regular as clockwork the wife answers, slightly out of breath and always surprised to hear hi...

A doctor is eating a late lunch at his favorite Chinese restaurant when he hears the dreaded words:

"Is there a doctor in the building?!"

He strides to the back where he sees the manager and a patron who looks pale and shaky.

"We've just had two people come down with some kind of sickness," the manager says, "the lady here, and another gentleman in the bathroom."

"How do you ...

What do you say to someone who threw an Asian guy down the stairs?

That is Wong on so many levels.

I took my new puppy for it's first shots today, but the poor thing threw up everywhere.

I probably should have started him on something weaker than sambuca

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