Jesus was really bad at threatening people...

He was quoted for saying "Nobody double crosses me". And look where that got him.

My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.

More on this after the break.

My wife and kids are threatening to walk out of the house because of my addiction to horse racing.

And they’re off!

Get a job

A young man in a small town graduates from high school. His father comes to him that evening and tells him “Son, you’re a man now. You need to start contributing to this household. Go get a job.”

The young man is rightfully concerned. Work prospects in his town are slim. The only jobs availab...

Don't make a decision before you have studied all its aspects ! Don't make a decision when you are angry !

An iron company manager, while touring the company noticed a young man leaning against the wall and doing nothing.

He approached him and said softly, "How much is your salary?"

The young man was calm and surprised by the personal question.

He answered, "2500 dollars a month, sir...

Nothing is more threatening than an intelligent woman

Oh, really?

How about an intelligent woman, with a knife

My wife is threatening to leave me because of my Poker addiction.

I think she's bluffing.

The president of the US is threatening to send the military to suppress US citizens.

Looks like Americans are finally gonna get a taste of democracy and freedom.

My boss is threatening to fire the employee with the worst posture.

I have a hunch it might be me.

So a horse is in a farm...

A horse is in a farm when one day he finds a website that claims it can teach any farm animal music.

"That's amazing," thinks the horse "I've always wanted to learn to sing."

He signs up for the website, and within a few weeks he is an incredible singer.

Impressed, he tells his ...

Death is the only certainty in life

"There was a merchant in Bagdad who sent his servant to market to buy provisions and in a little while the servant came back, white and trembling, and said, Master, just now when I was in the marketplace I was jostled by a woman in the crowd and when I turned I saw it was Death that jostled me. She ...

2 guys sitting in a bar watching the news.

A news story comes on about someone threatening to jump off a building. One guy turns to the other and says, " I'll bet you $500.00 he will jump". The other guy says, "You're on"!

A few minutes pass and the guy on TV jumps.

The loser of the bet says, " Well, here is your $500.00. I ...

There's a gang in my area who recruit new members by threatening them with all kinds of horrible punishments if they don't join.

But enough about the church.

A man and a blonde are in a bar, watching the evening news. They describe the story of a man threatening to jump off a building

The man turns to the woman and says, “I’ll bet you $10 that he jumps”

The woman agrees to this bet, and they continue to watch. The man jumps off the building. Disappointed, the woman turns to hand him $10

The man declines the money. he says sheepishly, “I can’t take your money, I sa...

My staggered into my house, sat down, and started sobbing.

(Edit: Title correction- My friend staggered into my house, sat down and started sobbing)

He said "Everyone keeps making fun of me. They say I'm fat, careless and that I don't think of anyone besides for myself! My landlord is so annoyed at my absent-mindedness, he's threatening to evict me! ...

My girlfriend is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with wearing a different T-shirt every half an hour.

I said, “Wait, I can change!”

A man with a gun barged into the pub earlier and was threatening violence if the bar didn't play some classic 80s tunes.

Luckily The Police turned up and sorted him out.

North Korea is threatening to send the US a Christmas present.

I don’t think anyone has told them about our return policy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Doctors have confirmed that masturbation is life threatening

Many men have died after having a stroke

Trump is a genius threatening to attack historical cultural sites in Iran

He knows that the Iranians won't find any of these in the US to retaliate

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Update on an Ironic Classic

A man goes to the doctor, says he's depressed, says life seems harsh, heartless and cruel. He's all alone in a threatening world, and what lies ahead is vague and uncertain. Doctor says, "Treatment is simple. Great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go and see him, that should pick you up." Man bur...

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Sisters

Sister Claire and Sister Teresa are driving down a desert highway when the devil appears on their hood, making threatening gestures.

"Quick," Sister Teresa says, "Show him your cross!"

Sister Claire leans out the window, shouting:

"Piss off you bastard! I'll kick you in the fuck...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife was threatening to leave me because of my misogyny. The next day I found her having sex with the neighbour..

All I could yell was "GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY PROPERTY"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man visits a therapist

"I work long hours to support my family. When I finally get home, my wife hands me the baby and the other kids are waiting for me to help them with their homework. After dinner, it's my job to clean up and help put the baby to bed. I have an endless list of things to fix around the house on weekends...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend is threatening to leave me because I exaggerate too much.

I was so shocked I nearly tripped over my penis.

There's a guy threatening to kill me if I don't make a bread joke.

I'm toast.

A physics student was standing on top of a building, threatening to jump

I tried to talk him out of it, because he had so much potential.

A guy gets on a bus and starts threatening everybody:

"I'll integrate you! I'll differentiate you!"
So everybody gets scared and runs away.
Only one person stays.
The guy comes up to him and says: "Aren't you scared, I'll integrate you, I'll differentiate you!"
And the other guy says: "No, I am not scared, I am e^x."

A New Strain Spreading Faster Than COVID

Scientists have discovered a powerful new strain of fact-resistant humans who are threatening the ability of Earth to sustain life, a sobering new study reports.

Scientists warn that a virulent strain of humans are virtually immune to any form of verifiable knowledge, leaving researchers at a...

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A scoutmaster and his girlfriend go hiking in the woods...

They take a break in a rocky clearing with odd writing. After a while, they get frisky, and decide to play a little game called hide the sausage. They look around for people even though they’re in the middle of nowhere. It seems all clear and they go for it. Little did they know, they were in the mi...

A man walks into a bar

he notices a jar of cash on the counter, and asks the bartender, ”what’s with the jar” the bartender explains it is the prize for completing a set of challenges, entry is $5. The man orders a few drinks, all the while he contemplates attempting the challenges. After his 5th glass he sets down $5 dol...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman pregnant with triplets was shot in the belly three times.

She was rushed to the hospital and was assessed. The doctor told her “each one of your babies has been shot, but the good news is that the wounds are not life threatening. And even better news where they were shot, the bullets will come out on their own.” The mother is patched up and gives birth a ...

My girlfriend thinks I'm insane and wants me to see a psychiatrist. She's threatening to leave me if I don't because I can't stop singing Gnarls Barkley.

Does that make me crazy?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got a letter in the mail, threatening to kill me if I don't stop sleeping with his wife...

But the bastard didn't say who he was, so I don't know which one to stop sleeping with

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Male patient just recovered successfully from a sex threatening health attack.

He was wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose and laying on hospital bed.

An young nurse came to cleanse his body with sponge.

The patient mumbled, “Are my testicles black?”

Nurse replied, “I don’t know Sir, I am just setting you clean”

The patient repeated again,...

A man and his dog walk into a bar...

The man proceeds to sit on a stool and the dog quickly follows, jumping onto the next stool. The barkeep tells the man ‘Sir your dog can’t sit there!’

‘Well I reckon he can. You see, this is no ordinary dog. This dog here has the gift of speech, and that makes him my best friend. And I believ...

There was a maniac in town earlier today threatening to splash passersby with acid.

Thankfully, police managed to neutralise him.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A cowboy appears before St. Peter...

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked. 'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.

'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman...

COVID Vaccine Efficacy

Researchers from the Universidad Autónoma de Guadalajara in Mexico discovered that a single dose of the corona virus vaccine was capable of alleviating life-threatening and reducing transmission rates by 87%.

An audio excerpt from the conversations of the two researchers, C. Guillermo and H. ...

The bully loomed threateningly over the nerd and said, "You know what snitches get don't you?"

Ummm, "150 points?"

A man had an argument with his lover in a hotel room.

He calls the receptionist and says "I had an argument with my lover. She is threatening to jump out of the window if I don't divorce my wife. You have to help me."

The receptionist replied: "Sir, that looks like a personal problem. There is nothing we can do to help you out."

"Listen ...

I forgot to renew the fee for my Scrabble membership

Now they’re sending me threatening letters!

Saying "have a nice day" to someone, sounds friendly

But "enjoy your next 24 hours" sounds threatening.

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A man stops 2 friends and I leaving a bar...

A man stopped 2 of my friends and I as we left a bar one night.

He ran up to us eagerly but quickly pulled a knife out and began threatening us.

He said “If you’re dick sizes don’t add up to 21 inches exactly, I’m going to kill you all right here”

Me, being the leader that I a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Your hair smells nice.

Everyday a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the water cooler, inhales deeply then tells her "your hair smells nice." A weeks of this and she can't stand it anymore, she takes her complaint to a supervisor in personnel and states she wants to file a sexual harassment grie...

A man, a dog, and a goat are the only survivors of a shipwreck

A man, a dog, and a goat are the only survivors of a shipwreck

They end up on a deserted island. After a few weeks, the man is feeling very lonely and starts looking at the goat in a new light. One day he tries to have his way with it but the dog growls and scares him off. He goes to sleep un...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I ran over my neighbors cat this morning

I was running late for work and as I’m rushing out of the house I backed up without checking my surroundings. To my surprise I felt a bump and heard a yelp.

I get out of my car and instantly recognized my neighbors cat — I felt terrible. Feeling it was the right thing to do, I went and grabb...

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