UPJOKE
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Think Of Jokes

If you can't think of a word, say "I forgot the English word for it."

That way people will think you're bilingual instead of an idiot.
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I said to my wife, “I can’t think of a four letter word that means identical.”

Her: Same.

Me: Maybe we should get a thesaurus?
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I stayed up all night trying to think of a joke.

And then it dawned on me.
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On their 50th anniversary, a woman asks her husband, "What did you think of me when you first met me?"

The husband replies, "I wanted to fuck your brains out and suck your tits dry." The woman then asks, "What do think of me now?" The husband takes a good slow look, running his eyes up and down all over her body. Finally, he answers, "I think I did a pretty good job."

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Whenever I hear of a Putin General I think of this really piss poor joke:

A soldier shows up for military training, but realizes he forgot to bring his gun.

The sergeant hands him a stick and gestures to the training field.

"You'll have to use this, soldier. If you need to shoot someone, just aim your stick at them and shout 'Bangity bang-bang'. If someone g...

Dear Dad, $chool i$ great. I’m making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying hard. I $imply can’t think of anything I need, $o ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you. Love, Your $on

Dear Son,
I kNOw astroNOmy, ecoNOmics and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love, Dad
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a boy was asked to think of three good quotes at school

he went home and asked his mother, she said “a fool and his money are soon parted”

he asked his father, he said “ask and you shall receive”

he asked his grandfather, who served the military, he said, “where the battle rages, there the loyalty of the soldier is proved”

he went ba...

My wife said, "I can think of 14 reasons to leave you, plus your obsession with Tennis."

I replied, "That's 15 love."
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When you think of it, invention of the shovel was groundbreaking

But it was the invention of the broom that swept the nation.
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It's my special day today but I can't think of any good jokes...

It's a shame, I thought it would be a piece of cake.
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George Carlin once famously joked, "Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that."

Thanks to all those people wearing masks but leaving their noses fully exposed, the stupider half is now a lot easier to spot.
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"What did you think of my new Fibonacci joke?" the man asked.

"It was as bad as your previous two Fibonacci jokes combined," she taunted.
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Reporter: Herschel Walker, what do you think of the latest abortion bill?

Herschel Walker: I think we should pay it.
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When my friends talk about the 80s they think of boom boxes..i had to stop them.

That's just a stereo type
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The joke I always think of when asked “what’s your favourite joke?”

Didja hear about the Cutlery Gang downtown? They’ve started pronouncing the silent ‘k’ in words. Those kniving bastards!

The oldest one I could think of on a Monday morning:

Where do cantaloupes go during the summer?



John Cougar’s Melon Camp.
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Trying to think of a new password

WINDOWS:
Please enter your new password.

USER:
cabbage

WINDOWS:
Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.

USER:
boiled cabbage

WINDOWS:
Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.

USER:
1 boiled cabbage

WINDOWS:
S...

What do you guys think of message boards?

....I'm all forum.
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2 Cows in a feild.. one says "what do you think of that mad cow disease?"

The other replies "I dunno, it doesn't effect me, I'm a duck"
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What do wind turbines think of renewable energy?

They're big fans
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I've just struggled for ages trying to think of a pun worthy of attacking someone over.

Anyone else want to take a stab at a punchline?
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I’m trying to think of a Will Smith joke

But I can’t come up with a punchline
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I can't think of anything to post for my cakeday

I guess I'll just dessert it.
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does anyone know any good sword-fighting puns? I'm trying to think of words that have...

...a duel meaning.
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My therapist says I should think of my mental health like sex

Because I always come first

When I see stars I think of you...

Because you're only beautiful from a distance.
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Think of how dumb the average person is

Then remember half the world are dumberer then that.
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Think of this every time I check out

I'm in the grocery store ready to check out. Hot pockets, pack of ramen, single roll of TP, bottle of soda,

Cute cashier looks at me "Single?" she asks

"Heh yeah what have it away?"

"You're fucking ugly"

This guy's an English teacher, and he still can't think of a synonym for 'market'!

It's bazaar.
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What do you think of the rectum, as a whole?

Do you think it should be wiped out?

My dad just told me, “When I get really old and look back at life, I’ll only think of one thing.”

“My neck hurts.”
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Patient: I get scared every time I think of big animals.

Therapist: We have pills for that, but bear in mind--

Patient: AAUUGGHH!!

“I’ve spent so long trying to think of a synonym for ‘ambitious’ that I’ve given myself a headache.”

“Aspiring?”

“No thanks, I’ll just get some fresh air, that’ll clear it up.”
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I can’t think of a single good thing to post on my cake day.

I guess I’ll just have to dessert my karma farming plans.
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Was tryin to think of a punny meat-eater joke.

But carnivore think of one. r_r
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Think of 43

Just take a minute and think of the number 43.

It is not divisible by any smaller number, except 1.

It is a prime number!

Isn't that nice?

Thank you for your undivided attention.
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If you can think of a better fish pun..

let minnow.
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Struggling to think of a Christmas present for your spouse?

Get them a fridge, and watch their face light up when they open it
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I will never think of coconuts the same again.

What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree? Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!

I think of threesomes with my girlfriend like I think of baseball...

Four balls, and I walk.
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Some of the biggest red flags I can think of are Danish, Chinese, Spainish, Turkish, or Albanian

And to a lesser extent, Canadian, Indonesean, Hatian, American, and Japanese

I'm making deer nachos for dinner tonight because it's the most American meal I could think of

The corn and deer were here to begin with, Europeans just brought the cheese and a Mexican did all the work anyway.
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The first time I had sex with my girlfriend, all I could think of was my late wife.

I thought, “This’ll teach her for being late.”

What do you think of german sausages?

I think they are the wurst...
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When I dunk my cookies in milk, I think of my ex wife.

(And hold them under until the bubbles stop. )
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I'm trying to think of an unemployment joke.

But none of them work.
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Sometimes, when I think of a book

I touch my shelf
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One day at the end of class, Little Johnny’s teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with a moral of the story

One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with the moral of that story.

The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story.

Little Suzy raises her hand.

“My dad owns a farm...

What did JFK think of the parade?

He thought it was mind-blowing
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I don't think of a woman as simply legs, or breasts....

I think of a woman as a whole.

I have a boomerang joke I can’t think of it though it might come back to me

All I remember is that it went over people’s heads
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I can only think of one word with three U's in it. That's unusual.

Really.
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You know, I can't think of many guys who would walk all the way to a volcano to get rid of a ring.

But Elijah Wood.
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Insult me with your BEST, most offensive , crude insults you can think of!

Let's see who can make me cry, and rethink continuing living!
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How does Spider-Man think of such witty comebacks?

With great power comes great response ability.
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What did everyone think of the Challenger documentary on Netflix?

I only saw bits and pieces.
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When people say “late husband” or “late wife”, the first thing I think of is..

Where the fuck are they?

I never can think of a title

A man was in a terrible car crash and he was alright. How is this?

He lost his left hand
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I like to think of myself as a bottle of fine wine

I’m saving myself for another 10-15 years, but in reality I’ll probably wait too long, become funky, and just be left untouched until I’m thrown away
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What did Han Solo think of his steak?

He thought it was a little chewie.
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I was trying to think of past Republicans similar to Marjorie Taylor Greene

But they just Palin comparison.
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