“I’ve spent so long trying to think of a synonym for ‘ambitious’ that I’ve given myself a headache.”

“Aspiring?”

“No thanks, I’ll just get some fresh air, that’ll clear it up.”

When you think of it, invention of the shovel was groundbreaking

But it was the invention of the broom that swept the nation.

If you can't think of a word, say "I forgot the English word for it."

That way people will think you're bilingual instead of an idiot.

My wife said, "I can think of 14 reasons to leave you, plus your obsession with Tennis."

I replied, "That's 15 love."

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I will never think of coconuts the same again.

What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree? Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!

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When I was a teen, i'd have sex with all types of food. Pies, watermelons, bananas.... come to think of it, fruit were the best for sex.

Except lemons. Never touched those. Didn't wanna get lemonaids.

It's my special day today but I can't think of any good jokes...

It's a shame, I thought it would be a piece of cake.

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On their 50th anniversary, a woman asks her husband, "What did you think of me when you first met me?"

The husband replies, "I wanted to fuck your brains out and suck your tits dry." The woman then asks, "What do think of me now?" The husband takes a good slow look, running his eyes up and down all over her body. Finally, he answers, "I think I did a pretty good job."

I was trying to think of past Republicans similar to Marjorie Taylor Greene

But they just Palin comparison.

George Carlin once famously joked, "Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that."

Thanks to all those people wearing masks but leaving their noses fully exposed, the stupider half is now a lot easier to spot.

Look man, this insane need of yours to break into high-end cooking stores and steal kitchen utensils like this thing you're eyeing, is going to get you thrown back in jail if you're caught! Think of your family, please!

I appreciate the concern, I really do, but that's a whisk I've go to take!

My friends and I were playing a game, where you have to think of famous Johns. The game ends if you pick a John that has died.

It's all fun and games until someone gets Hurt.

I can’t think of a time when I lost my toupee while riding a motorcycle.

At least not right off the top of my head.

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a boy was asked to think of three good quotes at school

he went home and asked his mother, she said “a fool and his money are soon parted”

he asked his father, he said “ask and you shall receive”

he asked his grandfather, who served the military, he said, “where the battle rages, there the loyalty of the soldier is proved”

he went ba...

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Women should think of the Penis like they should cars. They should be able to get from A to B on a daily basis, as safe and efficiently as possible, be easy to park in the garage without using the mirrors, and come with a load of kids if needed.

That being said, it is also nice to get a big black stretch limo for her birthday to make her feel special.

Guys I tried to think of a social distancing joke

but this is as close as I could get

What do Americans think of Europe?

We don’t

Think of how dumb the average person is

Then remember half the world are dumberer then that.

[OC] What did the first bee to try a flower think of it?

It was beyond bee leaf.

I stayed up all night trying to think of a joke.

And then it dawned on me.

A man ask a pretty women: ”if there is a scale of a person’s looking, on the left is ugly, and on the right is pretty, so what do you think of me?”

”I think you are in the middle,” says the women.

”So my looking is just okay,” says the man, a bit disappointed.

”No, you are pretty ugly, ” says the women.

I have a boomerang joke I can’t think of it though it might come back to me

All I remember is that it went over people’s heads

What did everyone think of the Challenger documentary on Netflix?

I only saw bits and pieces.

What do you think of german sausages?

I think they are the wurst...

I asked my girlfriend what the most NSFW thing she could think of is.

She thought for a while before replying, "Probably standing on a swivel chair to change a light bulb that hasn't been turned off."

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One secret policeman asks another, “What do you think of the regime?” ...

Nervously, the second policeman replies, “The same as you, comrade.” At that point the first one pulls out handcuffs and says, “In that case, it is my duty to arrest you.”

I like to think of myself as a bottle of fine wine

I’m saving myself for another 10-15 years, but in reality I’ll probably wait too long, become funky, and just be left untouched until I’m thrown away

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Two Jamaican brothers are getting ready to attend their friend’s annual costume party. “Dante, we need to do better this year, we got to do better this year. We got to think of something extra special to wear!”

So Lamont and Dante take 3 hours coming up with the perfect costume to blow away the guests at the party. They’re determined to beat the annoying couple who took home last year’s prize as Tom and Jerry.

A while later, they arrive at Bob’s house, whose jaw hits the ground when he opens the fro...

What did JFK think of the parade?

He thought it was mind-blowing

Magic 8-Ball, what do you think of Microsoft's email client?

Outlook not so good

What do you call a girl who you cannot think of a common way to describe?

Ms. Cellaneous

If you think of something you seriously wanted to do while inside of your camping shelter,

you're thinking in the tense in-tent intent tense

Mr Trump, the American people will be voting soon...what do you think of the ballots ?

"I much prefer faster songs ."

If you're ever confused with how a genie works just think of it like a make-a-wish

1. You can't wish for unlimited money
2. You can't wish for another 3 wishes
3. You can't wish to live forever (in the kids case, 6 weeks)

Patient: I become terrified every time I think of large animals.

Doctor: We can control that with medication, but bear in mind--

Patient: AAAAAAUUUGGGHHH!!!

Don't you just hate it when someone asks you to "do something funny" and you are just standing awkwardly trying to think of an appropriate joke while more and more people start to look at you? No? Just me? Okay.

Person 1: I just got 3 strikes in bowling!
Person 2: I got three strikes in baseball...

Person 1: I got "nothing but net" in basketball
Person 2: I got "nothing but net" in volleyball...

Person 1: I just hit someone in the stomach in dodgeball!
Person 2: I just hit someo...

When you think of 2020, what’s the first thing that comes to mind?

Coronavirus, right off the bat.

Come to think of it, it's a good thing Bush won the 2000 election over Al Gore...

Now we have to deal with Bushisms... otherwise we would have had to deal with Algorithms!

No matter what you think of the celebrities commenting on how we handle the current crisis, you should ALWAYS listen to music producers.

They give sound advice.

Been think of opening a clown brothel,

Gonna call it “the funny bone.”

You know what I think of submissive citrus fruits.

They are sublime.

What did Han Solo think of his steak?

He thought it was a little chewie.

If you can think of a better fish pun..

let minnow.

Cowboy 1: Can you think of anything worse than being scalped alive?

Cowboy 2: Not off the top of my head.

During this lockdown, please think of the confidence level and mental health of your companies IT person.

They have gone more then three months without being able to look you in the eye without smirking, while first turning your computer off and then on again, before accessing the admin profile to delete then add the wireless printer again so you can print your emails.

What do you guys think of my idea to abstain from working with spreadsheets for 40 days before Easter?

Because personally, I think it's Excel Lent.

"What did you think of my new Fibonacci joke?" the man asked.

"It was as bad as your previous two Fibonacci jokes combined," she taunted.

How does Spider-Man think of such witty comebacks?

With great power comes great response ability.

Let me think of a sad joke

Oh wait it’s me

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In these uncertain times I think of what my grandfather wouldsay if he were still alive

Get me the fuck outta this box! I can't breathe!

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The first time I had sex with my girlfriend, all I could think of was my late wife.

I thought, “This’ll teach her for being late.”

When I can’t think of a joke I ask my mom

She has a history of making jokes

What do you think of my wife?

A man was having a conversation with his friend about his wife.

He asks his friend, "What do you think of my wife?"

His friend, knowing the wife very well responds, "I think she's a pedestrian."

The man, confused, asks his friend, "What do you mean?"

He answers, "She belo...

What would Bruce Forsyth think of all this coronavirus lockdown eh?

Nice 2 metre 2 metre nice.

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It was WW2 and a German man was being interrogated in case he was a German spy. He was asked “what do you think of nazis?” He replied “they are gay” he was then asked “what do you think about Winston Churchill?”

The man replied “he is very sexy” he



He was later executed

So what do you think of equestrian sports?

Neigh or nay?

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I tried to think of a pun about ass eating

but I couldn't think of anything tongue'n cheek

I cant think of anything to post for my cakeday

I guess just i'll dessert it

Think of 43

Just take a minute and think of the number 43.

It is not divisible by any smaller number, except 1.

It is a prime number!

Isn't that nice?

Thank you for your undivided attention.

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As I was paying for a 20 year old Escort, I could only think of one thing.

This is a shitty car.

What did the new recruit think of his assignment as a minesweeper?

It's a blast!

Think of a number 0 to 20.

Add 32 to it, then multiply your answer by 2. Subtract 2. Now close your eyes.

It's dark, isnt it?

I’m trying to think of a joke about waiting for the bus at the wrong bus stop.

But nothing is coming to me.

What do you think of the return to Daylight Savings Time tonight?

Eh, I'm not losing any sleep over it.

Magician: Think of a card, any card.

Me: OK,

Magician: Have you got it?

Me: Yes.

Magician: 7 of spades.

Me: No.

Magician: Huh..? Well, what card were you thinking of then?

Me: Debit.

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One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with the moral of that story.

The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story.

Little Suzy raises her hand.

"My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market.

Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all th...

I can only think of one word with three U's in it. That's unusual.

Really.

I can't think of a good knife pun.

Anybody want to take a stab at it?

Some people think of this as the hottest summer in the last 125 years

But I like to think of it as the coolest summer in the next 125 years. Glass half full!

When I think of a world without aphantasia, I see...

I see, uh...

Oh, forget it.

Think of a dark future where humanity has to take to the stars because earth is no longer inhabitable.

That's unsettling

I read the other day that Penn State has spent $237 million defending the university during the Sandusky lawsuit. Think of how many peoples’ education that would pay for.

At least 4 or 5.

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Trying to think of a new password

WINDOWS:
Please enter your new password.

USER:
cabbage

WINDOWS:
Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.

USER:
boiled cabbage

WINDOWS:
Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.

USER:
1 boiled cabbage

WINDOWS:
S...

I can’t think of any boat puns...

Canoe?

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