It's my special day today but I can't think of any good jokes...

It's a shame, I thought it would be a piece of cake.

Look man, this insane need of yours to break into high-end cooking stores and steal kitchen utensils like this thing you're eyeing, is going to get you thrown back in jail if you're caught! Think of your family, please!

I appreciate the concern, I really do, but that's a whisk I've go to take!

I can’t think of a time when I lost my toupee while riding a motorcycle.

At least not right off the top of my head.

My friends and I were playing a game, where you have to think of famous Johns. The game ends if you pick a John that has died.

It's all fun and games until someone gets Hurt.

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Women should think of the Penis like they should cars. They should be able to get from A to B on a daily basis, as safe and efficiently as possible, be easy to park in the garage without using the mirrors, and come with a load of kids if needed.

That being said, it is also nice to get a big black stretch limo for her birthday to make her feel special.

George Carlin once famously joked, "Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that."

Thanks to all those people wearing masks but leaving their noses fully exposed, the stupider half is now a lot easier to spot.

What do Americans think of Europe?

We don’t

[OC] What did the first bee to try a flower think of it?

It was beyond bee leaf.

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When I'm hungry but on a diet, I simply think of stuff like 2 Girls 1 Cup to stave off the hunger.

That way I'm far too horny to think about eating.

Think of how dumb the average person is

Then remember half the world are dumberer then that.

Guys I tried to think of a social distancing joke

but this is as close as I could get

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a boy was asked to think of three good quotes at school

he went home and asked his mother, she said “a fool and his money are soon parted”

he asked his father, he said “ask and you shall receive”

he asked his grandfather, who served the military, he said, “where the battle rages, there the loyalty of the soldier is proved”

he went ba...

What did everyone think of the Challenger documentary on Netflix?

I only saw bits and pieces.

What do you think of german sausages?

I think they are the wurst...

I like to think of myself as a bottle of fine wine

I’m saving myself for another 10-15 years, but in reality I’ll probably wait too long, become funky, and just be left untouched until I’m thrown away

A man ask a pretty women: ”if there is a scale of a person’s looking, on the left is ugly, and on the right is pretty, so what do you think of me?”

”I think you are in the middle,” says the women.

”So my looking is just okay,” says the man, a bit disappointed.

”No, you are pretty ugly, ” says the women.

Magic 8-Ball, what do you think of Microsoft's email client?

Outlook not so good

What do you call a girl who you cannot think of a common way to describe?

Ms. Cellaneous

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One secret policeman asks another, “What do you think of the regime?” ...

Nervously, the second policeman replies, “The same as you, comrade.” At that point the first one pulls out handcuffs and says, “In that case, it is my duty to arrest you.”

I asked my girlfriend what the most NSFW thing she could think of is.

She thought for a while before replying, "Probably standing on a swivel chair to change a light bulb that hasn't been turned off."

If you're ever confused with how a genie works just think of it like a make-a-wish

1. You can't wish for unlimited money
2. You can't wish for another 3 wishes
3. You can't wish to live forever (in the kids case, 6 weeks)

What did JFK think of the parade?

He thought it was mind-blowing

Don't you just hate it when someone asks you to "do something funny" and you are just standing awkwardly trying to think of an appropriate joke while more and more people start to look at you? No? Just me? Okay.

Person 1: I just got 3 strikes in bowling!
Person 2: I got three strikes in baseball...

Person 1: I got "nothing but net" in basketball
Person 2: I got "nothing but net" in volleyball...

Person 1: I just hit someone in the stomach in dodgeball!
Person 2: I just hit someo...

Mr Trump, the American people will be voting soon...what do you think of the ballots ?

"I much prefer faster songs ."

If you think of something you seriously wanted to do while inside of your camping shelter,

you're thinking in the tense in-tent intent tense

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Two Jamaican brothers are getting ready to attend their friend’s annual costume party. “Dante, we need to do better this year, we got to do better this year. We got to think of something extra special to wear!”

So Lamont and Dante take 3 hours coming up with the perfect costume to blow away the guests at the party. They’re determined to beat the annoying couple who took home last year’s prize as Tom and Jerry.

A while later, they arrive at Bob’s house, whose jaw hits the ground when he opens the fro...

I have a boomerang joke I can’t think of it though it might come back to me

All I remember is that it went over people’s heads

Patient: I become terrified every time I think of large animals.

Doctor: We can control that with medication, but bear in mind--

Patient: AAAAAAUUUGGGHHH!!!

"Honey," said my wife, "what do you think of the clothes I bought?"

"Ask that vase over there," I pointed. "It will give you a better answer than I ever will."

"What?" she questioned. "The vase...can't speak."

"Exactly."

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On their 50th anniversary, a woman asks her husband, "What did you think of me when you first met me?"

The husband replies, "I wanted to fuck your brains out and suck your tits dry." The woman then asks, "What do think of me now?" The husband takes a good slow look, running his eyes up and down all over her body. Finally, he answers, "I think I did a pretty good job."

I can't think of any good zombie jokes lately

I must've gone *braindead* or something.

Come to think of it, it's a good thing Bush won the 2000 election over Al Gore...

Now we have to deal with Bushisms... otherwise we would have had to deal with Algorithms!

Been think of opening a clown brothel,

Gonna call it “the funny bone.”

I stayed up all night trying to think of a joke.

And then it dawned on me.

When you think of 2020, what’s the first thing that comes to mind?

Coronavirus, right off the bat.

A husband had grown tired of his marriage but couldn't think of a proper way to tell his wife.

One day, while his wife was at work, he came up with an idea. That evening, when the wife returned home, the husband greeted her and said, "Honey, i think i might be schizophrenic." Confused, the wife asked, "Well how do you know?" To which the husband replied, "Well, honey, I'm seeing other people....

No matter what you think of the celebrities commenting on how we handle the current crisis, you should ALWAYS listen to music producers.

They give sound advice.

I never can think of a title

A man was in a terrible car crash and he was alright. How is this?

He lost his left hand

What did Han Solo think of his steak?

He thought it was a little chewie.

You know what I think of submissive citrus fruits.

They are sublime.

Cowboy 1: Can you think of anything worse than being scalped alive?

Cowboy 2: Not off the top of my head.

During this lockdown, please think of the confidence level and mental health of your companies IT person.

They have gone more then three months without being able to look you in the eye without smirking, while first turning your computer off and then on again, before accessing the admin profile to delete then add the wireless printer again so you can print your emails.

No matter how improbable, there's a parallel universe with anything you can think of. Even one where the Irish invented rap.

It's how the universe achieves Homie O'Stasis

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In these uncertain times I think of what my grandfather wouldsay if he were still alive

Get me the fuck outta this box! I can't breathe!

What do you think of my wife?

A man was having a conversation with his friend about his wife.

He asks his friend, "What do you think of my wife?"

His friend, knowing the wife very well responds, "I think she's a pedestrian."

The man, confused, asks his friend, "What do you mean?"

He answers, "She belo...

What do you guys think of my idea to abstain from working with spreadsheets for 40 days before Easter?

Because personally, I think it's Excel Lent.

What would Bruce Forsyth think of all this coronavirus lockdown eh?

Nice 2 metre 2 metre nice.

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It was WW2 and a German man was being interrogated in case he was a German spy. He was asked “what do you think of nazis?” He replied “they are gay” he was then asked “what do you think about Winston Churchill?”

The man replied “he is very sexy” he



He was later executed

If you can think of a better fish pun

Let minnow!

Let me think of a sad joke

Oh wait it’s me

How does Spider-Man think of such witty comebacks?

With great power comes great response ability.

So what do you think of equestrian sports?

Neigh or nay?

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I tried to think of a pun about ass eating

but I couldn't think of anything tongue'n cheek

What do you think of the return to Daylight Savings Time tonight?

Eh, I'm not losing any sleep over it.

What did the new recruit think of his assignment as a minesweeper?

It's a blast!

Think of a number between 1 - 20

Add 45

Multiply by 2

Subtract 1

Now close your eyes
#
#
>!It's dark isn't it?!<

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As I was paying for a 20 year old Escort, I could only think of one thing.

This is a shitty car.

"What did you think of my new Fibonacci joke?" the man asked.

"It was as bad as your previous two Fibonacci jokes combined," she taunted.

Magician: Think of a card, any card.

Me: OK,

Magician: Have you got it?

Me: Yes.

Magician: 7 of spades.

Me: No.

Magician: Huh..? Well, what card were you thinking of then?

Me: Debit.

Think of 43

Just take a minute and think of the number 43.

It is not divisible by any smaller number, except 1.

It is a prime number!

Isn't that nice?

Thank you for your undivided attention.

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The first time I had sex with my girlfriend, all I could think of was my late wife.

I thought, “This’ll teach her for being late.”

I cant think of anything to post for my cakeday

I guess just i'll dessert it

I’m trying to think of a joke about waiting for the bus at the wrong bus stop.

But nothing is coming to me.

Some people think of this as the hottest summer in the last 125 years

But I like to think of it as the coolest summer in the next 125 years. Glass half full!

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One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with the moral of that story.

The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story.

Little Suzy raises her hand.

"My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market.

Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all th...

I asked my dad, "What do you think of time travel?"

He said, "A waste of time."

Think of a dark future where humanity has to take to the stars because earth is no longer inhabitable.

That's unsettling

I can't think of a good knife pun.

Anybody want to take a stab at it?

As I get older I think of all people I’ve lost along the way

Maybe a career as a tour guide was not for me

I can only think of one word with three U's in it. That's unusual.

Really.

I can’t think of any boat puns...

Canoe?

Kosovo has the cleanest capital city in the world. Whichever capital city you think of

Kosovo’s is Pristina.

Let me know what you think of my 2nd attempt!

A young boy decided that he wanted to become a beekeeper when he grew up. When he told his parents this they decided it would be a great chance to teach him responsibility and give him a chance to earn his own spending money. So they bought him a small colony of bees and the tools he would need to t...

I like to think of Kurt Cobain as the ‘Michelangelo’ of Rock

Although he had a different approach to painting ceilings.

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