Elon Musk and Bill Gates have decided to partner in a joint venture to invent a medication to overcome erectile dysfunction.

They have decided to name the new drug 'Elongates'.

Lets face it English is a stupid language There is no egg in the eggplant No ham in the hamburger And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England

French Fries Were Not Invented In France.

We Sometimes Take English For Granted

But If We Examine Its Paradoxes We Find That:

Quicksand Takes You Down Slowly

Boxing Rings Are Square

And A Guinea Pig Is Neither From Guinea Nor Is It A Pig.

If Writers Write, H...

Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke?

He won the “no-bell” prize.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Greeks invented sex

The italians added women to it

I invented a new word

Plagiarism

The first person to invent a drill must’ve said,

“I’ve made a groundbreaking invention!”

Of all the inventions of the last 100 years...

the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable

The guy who invented velcro shoes thought to himself

'Why knot?'

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Did you know the toothbrush was invented in West Virginia?

If it had been invented anywhere else, it would have been called the “teethbrush”

Do you think the guy who invented the vibrator heard voices saying . . .

"If you build it, they will come."

Do you know what did the guy who invented the first knock knock joke got ?

The 'no-bell prize'

What did cupid play before the harp was invented?

The heart strings

Did you know that the very first condoms were invented by the Welsh, using sheep intestines?

But it wasn't until the 19th century that the English perfected it by removing it from the sheep first

A math student invented a new method of making liquor, using electromagnetics to distill alcohol.

Proof by induction.

It is I who invented the term, "plagiarism".

However, Al Gore got credit for it.

I've just invented a thought controlled air freshener.

Sounds crazy!! But it makes scents, if you think about it.

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So I heard the guy who invented anagrams passed away today...

May he erect a penis.

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The Japanese invented a thief catching robot.

After running successful lab trials they decided to test it. After deploying in Tokyo the robot caught 35 thieves in 24 hours.

The news Broke out.

Much Impressed, the Brits ordered the robot for themselves. After deploying in London the robot busted 65 thieves under 8 hours.

The...

Did you know it was the Scots who first invented the condom, using sheep’s intestine?

Years later, the French perfected it by first removing it from the sheep.


^ An oldie my French-heritage father loves to tell around my Scottish-heritage mother.

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Having invented a time machine I'm going to do the art world a favor

I'm going to make sure Adolf Hitler never gets into art school. I'm tired of seeing his paintings everywhere.

The guy who invented autocorrect dies.

Is he going to heaven or hello?

The guy who invented Sudoku actually really hated numbers

He just wanted to put them in their place.

To the Guy who Invented 0

Thanks for nothing.

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A scientist is trying to invent

a bra that keeps women's breasts from bouncing when running and doesn’t show nipples when wet.

Don’t worry, we killed the idiot.

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After 15 years of marriage, the husband suggests to his wife that they should invent a little code for when she wants sex so he doesn't have to read her mind at bedtime.

Laying in bed one night he says "So, if you want sex, pull my dick once, if you don't want sex, pull my dick one hundred and sixty-nine times."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An elderly inventor was becoming depressed with his life: his hearing was failing, his wife was always nagging him, he hadn't invented anything good in years, and his former good looks had been replaced by wrinkles and sagging skin.

He goes to the doctor to discuss his depression. When he arrives back home he has a huge smile on his face. He rushed past his wife and heads into the basement, where he immediately starts tinkering with a brand new invention.

His wife comes downstairs, gives the invention a once-over, then...

So today I had an idea for an invention because I was bored. A belt made out of watches.

After I finished connecting the watches to one another I realized something.

It was a big waist of time.

Before crowbars were invented......

...most crows drank at home by themselves.

A great scientist invents a machine to split the pain of birth between a couple...

He finds a couple who just went into labour, and asks them if he can use the machine on them, as a test.

The couple agrees, and the husband says "We can split it 50 - 50, its only fair". So the scientist turns the machine up to 50%, just as the baby begins coming out, and the women starts gro...

Do you know why the French invented the portapotty?

They needed somewhere to oui oui

We invented the word. Why can’t we say it?

Worcestershire sauce.

The Greeks invented the threesome

But it was the Romans who thought of adding women.

What was the most ground-breaking invention in human history?

The shovel

The one who invented the 'Knock Knock' jokes........

Definitely deserves a 'No Bell' prize!!

I like to imagine that the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the brella.

But he hesitated.

My son told me he’s going to work forever. But not for a salary, he won’t need to get paid when he’s older, but he’ll have so many good ideas that he’ll have to keep at it. Working all the time to crank out his inventions and art and literature and all that. So I ask him to share some ideas with me.

"I can’t share them with you, I haven’t started having them yet."

The invention of television has eliminated famine in Ireland.

Now, when the crops fail in the garden, the population can raise couch potatoes in the living room.

A doctor thinks he’s invented a new procedure to remove a woman’s uterus

Other doctors point out this is already a well known operation

The doctor replies “oh well it’s historic-to-me”

I invented a new golf ball for amateurs that will automatically go in the hole if you get it within four inches.

Disclaimer: Do not carry it in your back pocket!

Scientists Invent Machine That Can Ruin Any Pizza

It's called a microwave.

I invented a sandal for one legged people

It was a flop.

Name a ground breaking invention

A shovel

Thought I found a new groundbreaking invention

Turns out it was just another hoe

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To whoever invented the mini skirt, you are a good person, thank you.

My balls have never felt so free.

Did you hear they invented an automatic pen and paper for clowns?

The joke writes itself

I invented a device that can stop a snake in its tracks.

It's made of asphalt.

What did the critic say after the clock was invented

It's about time he did

The guy who invented the alarm clock is my idol.

He’s the sole reason I wake up every day.

I seriously hope this hasn’t been done before.

Why did God invent women?

To woo men.

If Al Gore didn't invent the internet

Why do all of the silicon valley companies always talk about Al Gore's rhythm?

My family branded me as a failure, then I invented an invisibility cloak.

If only they could see me now...

Wait... So we're a just lazy?

Humans too lazy to figure out why: invents religion

Monks too lazy to follow rules: invents philosophy

Philosophers too lazy to contemplate: invents science

Scientists too lazy to experiment: invents mathematics

Mathematicians too lazy to calculate: invents computers
<...

My grandmother invented Nair…

She’s Amelia Nair

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man invented the tampon

Let that soak in.

To the person who invented infinity

Thanks for everything

How was copper wire invented?

Two lawyers fighting over a penny.

;-)

The person who invented autocorrect walks into a barn.

He orders a bear.

Back in caveman days, all we had were clubs and rocks. And doors hadn't even been invented yet...

...we had to tell each other "thump thump" jokes!

What did people say when the inventor of the Dry Erase Board showed off his new invention.

That's Remarkable!

Terrible joke, came to me on the toilet early, but I had to say it. And it is also likely be told in some form before.

What invention allows us to see through walls?

Windows!

So why did the chicken cross the road?

SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he's a maverick!

BARACK OBAMA: Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their eggs they can keep their eggs. No chicken will be required to cross the road to surrender her eggs. Period.

JOHN McCAIN: My friends, the...

The man who invented Tetris died.

They buried him and the whole cemetery disappeared.

Today I found out Karl Marx's sister invented the starting pistol

Her name was Onya

The shovel was such a great invention.

It was truly groundbreaking.

Dogs invented the Internet.

They have used IP protocol long before us.

I invented time travel and killed my grandfather to see if I wouldn’t be born

It’s the worst way to get to know I’m adopted..

The invention of shovels was groundbreaking,

But the invention of the broom swept the nation.

I met the man who invented the part of a map that explains what each symbol means.

What a legend.

if Lays had invented air hockey

it would be just air

A couple go to a hospital to deliver their baby

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father. He was asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, exp...

In the distant future scientists invent a special time machine

It can send messages back to the past, as a dream to a single person.

Because of all the problems Covid-19 caused, they decided to try and warn the world before hand. So a dream message was sent back to the year 2017: "Covid is fatal will arrive in fall 2019. Covid is fatal will arrive in fal...

In china, they invented a machine that can capture thieves

They tested out the machine in china for a week and they caught 2 thieves. The following week the russians decided to test this machine in Moscow, they caught 10 thieves. Seeing the machine's success, the Mexican government wanted to try this in the City of Mexico, they caught 400 thieves. Then the ...

Did you hear the man who invented the USB port died?

At his funeral they lowered the casket....

Then raised it, turned it around, and lowered it again.

Did you know that Thomas Jefferson invented the swivel chair

Guess he really loved Revolutions after all.

To the person who invented autocorrect...

There's a special place in he'll for you.

The man who invented the trampoline died today.

His family remembers his last words... “Look what I can do.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did Dr. Watson name the product he invented to successfully cure his partner’s chronic diarrhea?

No shit Sherlock

Scientists have invented a bomb that explodes when the temperature hits absolute zero

It's called the "0K Boomer"

Whoever invented police helicopters doomed us all

Everything’s gonna happen now that pigs can fly

I invented a boomerang with teeth...

That ones gonna come back to bite me in the ass

It's 80 years since non stick pans were invented (Teflon 1938)

Where is the non stick toilet bowl?

I was about to invent a circular sword.

But then I thought, what's the point.

I've got a meeting with the guy that invented the progress bar during the era of dialup internet. He's going to be here in 2 hours and 13 minutes.

Edit: Apparently he's stuck in traffic and he's going to be here in 6 hours 54 minutes.

Edit2: He's making better progress than thought, he will be here in 12 minutes.

Edit3: Apparently it will now take him 5 days

TIL of Private First Class, Francis Lipton— an American soldier in the Revolutionary war– who invented a delicious new beverage while fighting at Valley Forge.

It was the first known casual tea of
War.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Greek and an Indian are having tea together trying to one-up each other on their historical achievements.

The Greek says "We have the Parthenon!"

The Indian replies "Well we have the Taj Mahal."

The Greek says "We gave birth to advanced mathematics!"

The Indian replies "But we invented the number zero."

The Indian says "We invented the caste system".

The Greek replies ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A new plastic surgery for missing eye lids has been invented.

It used circumcised men’s forskin to rebuilt the eye lids.
Unfortunately early results are disappointing, everyone has ended up cock eyed.

The man who invented knock-knock jokes

should get a no bell prize.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The person who invented autocorrect died recently.

May he roast in piss.

I've invented an exciting new product. Say goodbye to noise-cancelling headphones...

...and say hello to noise-cancelling megaphones!

How did Thomas Edison invent the lightbulb?

He got a bright idea.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I found out who invented the sex dolls

I definitely did nazi that coming.

Whoever invented the knock knock joke should get an award.

Like no bell prize.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man invents a device that makes food come to life

He's been working on this project for years, his family, those he trusted enough to tell, never believed in him. "Now they'll see" he thought. His device was ready and he got out a small piece of ham from the refrigerator and placed it into the containment chamber. He crossed his fingers and pushed ...

Scientists invent a new machine to ease the pain during childbirth

The machine transfers the pain a woman feels during labor to the father of the baby, at any percentage rate between 0 and 100%.

The first couple to test it is very excited, they connect the machine to the soon-to-be-mother and warn the husbands about the consequences. "Men are not used to fee...

I just invented a DIY surgery kit

It’s called Suture Self.

In the beginning, God asked Adam to name the animals, so he began to invent names, “Lion, Tiger, Horse, Cow, Pig...” Then God said, “You must name the sea animals too.” Adam was exhausted, but he knew how important this was, so he continued...

“Sea lion, Tiger shark, Sea horse, Sea cow, Sea pig…”

Before guns were invented

armies had to throw bullets at each other and if a bullet touched you, you had to sit this one out until the next war

A reporter goes to see an inventor who claims to have invented a machine that can answer any question

The reporter is asked to speak his question into the microphone and the machine will answer it with 100% accuracy.

Sceptical but curious the reporter starts easy, "Where is my mother?"

The machine bleeps and buzzes and then announces "Your mother is at her book club, they have just rev...

Did you know Ronnie Pickering invented the giraffe?

He got into an argument with a horse and uppercutted it

Why did god invent whiskey?

So the Irish wouldn't rule the world

How the Portuguese language was invented??

A drunk Russian tried to speak Spanish.

You know why the 2 piece bathing suit was invented?

To separate the dairy section from meat section...

The man who invented the remote control has died age 96.

He was found down the back of the sofa.

What would you call a Doofenshmirtz invention that makes people want to do things later?

The Procrastinator!

Who invented the pay toilet?

Johnny Cash.

To the guy who invented jackhammers,

that was a pretty ground breaking achievement

My mate has invented an invisible vehicle (OC)

I asked him 'What, like a car?'

'Not really' he replied 'It's more van-ish than that'

What is the funniest time of day?

7:07 because when you flip it upside down, it says LOL!

This joke was invented by my 8 year old daughter so be nice please :)

I learned that the vasectomy was invented by the Ancient Greek physician Euclipides.

Euclipides nuts.

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