UPJOKE
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Invent Jokes

i invented a new word!

its called plagiarism

Vegans will be the first to invent intergalactic travel

Imagine living in the Milky Way

The Greeks invented the threesome

But it was the Romans who thought of adding women.

In 1802, the condom was invented in New Zealand...

...by using sheep's lower intestine.

Some years later, Australians refined the idea by removing the intestine from the sheep first.

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The Turks invented sex

and then the Greeks improved it by removing the sheep and adding lubrication.

The Romans perfected it by discovering that you could have it with women too, then the French ruined it by adding misogynistic condescension, and the British made it worse by adding shame; after that, the Americ...

Whoever invented the knock knock jokes

Should get a Nobell prize.

Whosoever invented "dentures" missed out on calling them ...

"Substitooths".

I invented a new word.

Plagiarism.

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EDIT : This joke was invented by me and copyrighted. Dare to take it and a lawsuit shall find you.

The guy who invented autocorrect has died...

...his funfair will be help next sundial.

When Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone...

He saw he had 10 missed calls from Chuck Norris.

Did you know the magnifying glass was invented by a Chinese guy?

Yeah, his name was Tzu Minh

Of all the inventions of the last 100 years...

the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable

The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking,

but the invention of the broom swept the nation.

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Did you know that the condom was invented by the Turks?

They used the intestines of sheep around their penis when having sex.

And did you know that years later, the Brits were the ones who improved the condom by removing the sheep?

Who invented the circle?

Sir Cumfrence

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TIL that the toothbrush was invented in West Virginia...

otherwise it would have been called the teethbrush.

The guy who invented throat lozenges died last week.

There was no coffin at the funeral

To the guy who invented zero,

Thanks for nothing.

Did you know that the invention of the shovel was...

Ground breaking.

The person who invented autocorrect walks into a barn.

He orders a bear.

It’s a good thing our favorite sports drink was invented at University of Florida…

If it was developed at Florida State University, Gatorade might have been called Seminole Fluid instead.

I invented a new golf ball that’ll automatically go in the hole if it gets within four inches.

Do NOT carry them in your back pocket.

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Having invented a time machine I'm going to do the art world a favor

I'm going to make sure Adolf Hitler never gets into art school. I'm tired of seeing his paintings everywhere.

It wasn’t easy for the guy who invented the microphone in the beginning.

He got some really bad feedback.

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What was the first human civilization to invent the bidet?

The ass tech people.

I met the man who invented the part of a map that explains what each symbol means.

What a legend.

I like to imagine that the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the brella.

But he hesitated.

I've got a meeting with the guy that invented the progress bar during the era of dialup internet. He's going to be here in 2 hours and 13 minutes.

Edit: Apparently he's stuck in traffic and he's going to be here in 6 hours 54 minutes.

Edit2: He's making better progress than thought, he will be here in 12 minutes.

Edit3: Apparently it will now take him 5 days

Who invented that game?

Did you know that Henry VIII invented the game F*ck, Marry, Kill?

Back in his day, however, it was called Wed, Bed, Behead.

How do we know the tooth brush was invented in Alabama?

If it was invented anywhere else it would be called the "teeth brush."

The contact lens is mans greatest invention

At least in my eyes

The man who invented Velcro has died.

RIP

“Hey Dad, who invented the haircut?”

“I don’t know, but I’m sure it was some barberian.”

My friend went bankrupt after inventing a sandal for people with only one leg.

It was a flop.

Before crowbars were invented......

...most crows drank at home by themselves.

You guys know how the toothbrush was invented in the south?

Because if it was invented in the north, it would've been called a teethbrush.

I've just invented a telepathically controlled air freshener

Makes scents when you think about it.

I just invented a car that only moves when the driver is silent.

I mean, it goes without saying…

When I was little, a strange man stepped out of a time machine and punched me for no reason!

So I've worked all my life to invent a time machine of my own, and I'm going back to when he was little and we'll see how he likes the taste of his own medicine.

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Do you know why God invented yeast infections?

So women could know what it's like to live with an irritating cunt too.

What did people say when the inventor of the Dry Erase Board showed off his new invention.

That's Remarkable!

Terrible joke, came to me on the toilet early, but I had to say it. And it's also likely be told in some form before.

I invented silent tennis...

It's like regular tennis but without the racket.

Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke?

He won the 'no-bell' prize.

I am really thankful to the person who invented the flashlight.

It helped me get through some dark times in my life.

The invention of the spoon was an important point in human history.

It caused…quite a stir.

Why did man invent curling?

To convince women sweeping was a sport.

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I just read a story about a German scientist who invented a prosthetic penis

Nobody thought he could pull it off

A scientist walks into an AA meeting. “I’ve just invented a cure for alcoholism! Take one of these pills and you’ll never be a problem drinker again!”

An attendee replies: “What happens if you take two?”

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The man who invented autocorrect has died.

May he roast in piss.

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An Italian sniper and a Greek sniper...

An Italian sniper and a Greek sniper are perched in a tower overlooking the city of Nancy in France during World War 2. They have been lying down, silently staring down the scopes of their rifles for what surely felt like weeks at that point, and after a few hours of inactivity, the Greek sniper sud...

I invented this joke and I will never shut up about it.

What's a racist's favourite playground game?

Apartheid and Seek.

I invented a pen that can write underwater

And it writes a lot of other words, too!

"Sam...I thought you were a little crazy when you said you invented Plexiglas underwear, but now that you're wearing them..."

"...I can clearly see your nuts..."

A local man has been trying to invent a camouflage suit for dolphins

While it seems like a cool idea, I just don't see the porpoise

Humorists of Reddit! I challenge your joke inventing skills! First comment gives the punch line; the reply is the rest of the joke!

edit: Thanks guys for some hilarious jokes! Keep 'em coming. I wanted to let you know that I've messaged the mods about this thread. Maybe it could be a weekly thread? Who knows.

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The anal dildo was invented entirely spontaneously...

From what I hear, the inventor just pulled it out of his ass

Who invented Popcorn Chicken?

Kernel Sanders

Imagine the guy who invented maple syrup...

Hey this tree tastes way better than the last 10 trees I sucked!

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The Japanese invented a thief catching robot.

After running successful lab trials they decided to test it. After deploying in Tokyo the robot caught 35 thieves in 24 hours.

The news Broke out.

Much Impressed, the Brits ordered the robot for themselves. After deploying in London the robot busted 65 thieves under 8 hours.

The...

Whoever invented the teaspoon

caused quite a stir.

I want to invent a belt that tells what time it is.

Actually nevermind, it’ll be a waist of time.

Who invented the miniskirt?

Seymour Hiney.

We should really thank the guy who invented Venetian blinds

Without him it would be curtains for us all.

I invented a new type of car...

Me: "I invented a new car. It's powered by silence!"


My friend: "Wow, this is going to revolutionize the industry!"


Me: "Yeah, it goes without saying."

Thomas Edison needed Nikolai Tesla, Joseph Swan, James Bowman Lindsay etc to invent the light bulb.

Many hands make light work.

Know how the iPhone 6+ was invented by men?

Only men would call something that measures 5.5 inches, "six plus"

Did you know that University of Florida was not the first school to invent a hydrating sports drink with Gatorade?

Turns out Florida State couldn't make the marketing work for Seminole Fluid.

My dad CLAIMS to have invented this joke. I think it's too good and don't want to give him credit, but I can't find it online.

This story takes place in 1860. Back 150+ years ago, presidental candidates didn't have nearly the luxuries current candidates do. The didn't stay in five star hotels or travel by private jet - they stayed with normal families on their campaigns and in exchange for a place to stay, would do chores a...

Which knight invented King Arthur's Round Table?

Sir Cumference

The Irish invented whiskey and bagpipes

They forgot to tell the Scots the latter was a joke

Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers and got rich?

He made a mint

The guy who invented USB passed away recently

At his funeral, they started to lower his casket into the ground, but they had to stop half-way, and flip him over.

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A scientist is trying to invent

a bra that keeps women's breasts from bouncing when running and doesn’t show nipples when wet.

Don’t worry, we killed the idiot.

A 95 year old man and his 94 year old wife see a lawyer about a divorce.

The lawyer asks them when they got married.

"I was 19" says the man.

"That means you've been married for 75 years at least" the lawyer points out

"Yes. And all of it misery" says the woman.

"Really? When did you start to regret the marriage?"

"Almost immediately,...

The first person to invent a drill must’ve said,

“I’ve made a groundbreaking invention!”

I often wonder what my parents did to fill their time before the internet was invented...

I've asked my 17 brothers and sisters and they don't know either...

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A chemist has invented a laughing gas that's also a laxative...

It was mostly for shits and giggles

The first joke I invented all on my own (age ~5-6)

Why don't pirates like playing cards?

There's always someone walking across the deck.

One of the most underrated events of the past must be the invention of the lock.

It was a ….key turning point of history.

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I invented a new cocktail...

The reviews were mixed.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Most people didn’t like the guy who invented doors

They say he was a bit of a knob

COVID-19 is like Pasta

Asians invented it, Italians spread it.

Condoms

1272AD - Arab Muslims invent the first condoms using the lower intestine of goats.

1856AD - English farmers improve on the idea by first removing the intestine from the goat.

how many Indians does it take to fix a lightbulb?

Two. One to do the task and other to explain how lightbulbs were actually invented in ancient India.

Why did God invent women?

To woo men.

How A/C was invented

The four Goldberg brothers - Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Maxwell - invent vehicle air conditioning. But they have a hard time marketing it.

Well, on one 97-degree Detroit summer day, the four brothers walk into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talk his secretary into telling him that four...

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Ancient greeks invented sex.

Romans made it more interesting by adding females.

"Invent a clever line, and forever your name lives on."

*(-Anonymous)*

I was about to invent a circular sword.

But then I thought, what's the point.

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The invention of sex

A Greek and Italian were sitting down one day debating who had the superior culture.

The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon"
The Italian says, "We have the Colosseum"
The Greek says "We had great Mathematicians"
The Italian says "We had the Roman Empire" and so on and so on and
Th...

Did you know to that tin can was invented 1810, but the can opener wouldn’t be invented for another 16 years?

So until then they were just called can’ts.

To the genius who invented 1ply toilet paper....

I wanna shake your hand.

Elon Musk and Bill Gates have decided to partner in a joint venture to invent a medication to overcome erectile dysfunction.

They have decided to name the new drug 'Elongates'.

Why did god invent whiskey?

So the Irish wouldn't rule the world

The guy who invented the USB connector died...

They lowered the coffin into his grave.

Then they lifted it back out, turned it round, and lowered it back in again.

Scientists Invent Machine That Can Ruin Any Pizza

It's called a microwave.

(Heard from an Irish tour guide:) "The fella that invented the crossword is buried in that cemetery over there."

"If you want to find his grave, it's four down and seven across."

Did you guys see that scientists invented a pill that kills your thirst?

You just have to take the pill then have two large glasses of water.

Lets face it English is a stupid language There is no egg in the eggplant No ham in the hamburger And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England

French Fries Were Not Invented In France.

We Sometimes Take English For Granted

But If We Examine Its Paradoxes We Find That:

Quicksand Takes You Down Slowly

Boxing Rings Are Square

And A Guinea Pig Is Neither From Guinea Nor Is It A Pig.

If Writers Write, H...

What happened after the wheel was invented

a revolution

Your parents in 1996: Don't trust ANYONE on the Internet.

Your parents in 2017: Freedom Eagle dot Facebook says Hillary invented AIDS.

Can someone please invent pantyhose that don't rip?

I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.

My family branded me as a failure, then I invented an invisibility cloak.

If only they could see me now...

Q. Why were photographs so depressing before digital cameras were invented?

A. Because they spent too much time processing the negatives.

how do you know the toothbrush is a British invention?

If it was from elsewhere they'd call it a teethbrush !

The guy who invented velcro shoes thought to himself

'Why knot?'

If Al Gore didn't invent the internet

Why do all of the silicon valley companies always talk about Al Gore's rhythm?

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