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The Japanese invented a thief catching robot.

After running successful lab trials they decided to test it. After deploying in Tokyo the robot caught 35 thieves in 24 hours.

The news Broke out.

Much Impressed, the Brits ordered the robot for themselves. After deploying in London the robot busted 65 thieves under 8 hours.

The...

The first person to invent a drill must’ve said,

“I’ve made a groundbreaking invention!”

Of all the inventions of the last 100 years...

the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable

Lex Luthor invents a device that affects Superman's hearing

This way his crime-fighting abilities would be severely limited.

One Metropolis resident anxiously screams: "Help, Superman! They're robbing a bank!"

"Who's stopping a prank?", replies Superman, confused.

Another one begs: "Please help, Superman! Someone stole my car!"

"T...

The first Condom was invented by the Welsh using sheep intestines

The English improved upon the idea by taking the intestines out of the sheep first

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Having invented a time machine I'm going to do the art world a favor

I'm going to make sure Adolf Hitler never gets into art school. I'm tired of seeing his paintings everywhere.

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A scientist is trying to invent

a bra that keeps women's breasts from bouncing when running and doesn’t show nipples when wet.

Don’t worry, we killed the idiot.

Did you know it was the Scots who first invented the condom, using sheep’s intestine?

Years later, the French perfected it by first removing it from the sheep.


^ An oldie my French-heritage father loves to tell around my Scottish-heritage mother.

The one who invented the 'Knock Knock' jokes........

Definitely deserves a 'No Bell' prize!!

What was the most ground-breaking invention in human history?

The shovel

Before crowbars were invented......

...most crows drank at home by themselves.

We invented the word. Why can’t we say it?

Worcestershire sauce.

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After 15 years of marriage, the husband suggests to his wife that they should invent a little code for when she wants sex so he doesn't have to read her mind at bedtime.

Laying in bed one night he says "So, if you want sex, pull my dick once, if you don't want sex, pull my dick one hundred and sixty-nine times."

Did you know that the toothpick was invented in Arkansas?

If it had been invented anywhere else, it would have been called a “teethpick.”

Thought I found a new groundbreaking invention

Turns out it was just another hoe

Did you know that Jesus invented...

the crosswalk?

A great scientist invents a machine to split the pain of birth between a couple...

He finds a couple who just went into labour, and asks them if he can use the machine on them, as a test.

The couple agrees, and the husband says "We can split it 50 - 50, its only fair". So the scientist turns the machine up to 50%, just as the baby begins coming out, and the women starts gro...

I invented a sandal for one legged people

It was a flop.

I invented a new golf ball for amateurs that will automatically go in the hole if you get it within four inches.

Disclaimer: Do not carry it in your back pocket!

Did you hear they invented an automatic pen and paper for clowns?

The joke writes itself

Name a ground breaking invention

A shovel

Elon Musk and Bill Gates should team up to invent a cure for erectile dysfunction,

and name it ElonGates

I invented a device that can stop a snake in its tracks.

It's made of asphalt.

What did the critic say after the clock was invented

It's about time he did

The guy who invented the alarm clock is my idol.

He’s the sole reason I wake up every day.

I seriously hope this hasn’t been done before.

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To whoever invented the mini skirt, you are a good person, thank you.

My balls have never felt so free.

I like to imagine that the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the brella.

But he hesitated.

The Greeks invented the threesome

But it was the Romans who thought of adding women.

Scientists Invent Machine That Can Ruin Any Pizza

It's called a microwave.

My grandmother invented Nair…

She’s Amelia Nair

Guys I just invented a new word

Guys I just invented a new word


Plagiarism

This goes out to whoever invented the 0

Thanks for nothing

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A man invented the tampon

Let that soak in.

Why did God invent women?

To woo men.

My family branded me as a failure, then I invented an invisibility cloak.

If only they could see me now...

How was copper wire invented?

Two lawyers fighting over a penny.

;-)

To the guy who invented infinity

Thanks for everything

What did people say when the inventor of the Dry Erase Board showed off his new invention.

That's Remarkable!

Terrible joke, came to me on the toilet early, but I had to say it. And it is also likely be told in some form before.

Dogs invented the Internet.

They have used IP protocol long before us.

Back in caveman days, all we had were clubs and rocks. And doors hadn't even been invented yet...

...we had to tell each other "thump thump" jokes!

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A Greek and an Indian are having tea together trying to one-up each other on their historical achievements.

The Greek says "We have the Parthenon!"

The Indian replies "Well we have the Taj Mahal."

The Greek says "We gave birth to advanced mathematics!"

The Indian replies "But we invented the number zero."

The Indian says "We invented the caste system".

The Greek replies ...

The guy who invented auto-correct for smart phones passed away today.

Restaurant in peace.

The man who invented Tetris died.

They buried him and the whole cemetery disappeared.

The person who invented Velcro died.

RIP

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NSFW As everyone knows it was a Pollock that invented Pussy.....

Who else but a Polack would put an eating establishment, right next to a dump!

The shovel was such a great invention.

It was truly groundbreaking.

Did you know that Thomas Jefferson invented the swivel chair

Guess he really loved Revolutions after all.

if Lays had invented air hockey

it would be just air

The invention of shovels was groundbreaking,

But the invention of the broom swept the nation.

Today I found out Karl Marx's sister invented the starting pistol

Her name was Onya

It's 80 years since non stick pans were invented (Teflon 1938)

Where is the non stick toilet bowl?

I invented a boomerang with teeth...

That ones gonna come back to bite me in the ass

To the person who invented autocorrect...

There's a special place in he'll for you.

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What did Dr. Watson name the product he invented to successfully cure his partner’s chronic diarrhea?

No shit Sherlock

Scientists have invented a bomb that explodes when the temperature hits absolute zero

It's called the "0K Boomer"

Lets face it English is a stupid language

There is no egg in the eggplant

No ham in the hamburger

And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.

English muffins were not invented in England

French fries were not invented in France.

We sometimes take English for granted

But if we examine its paradoxes ...

I invented time travel and killed my grandfather to see if I wouldn’t be born

It’s the worst way to get to know I’m adopted..

Whoever invented police helicopters doomed us all

Everything’s gonna happen now that pigs can fly

The person who invented autocorrect walks into a barn.

He orders a bear.

The man who invented the trampoline died today.

His family remembers his last words... “Look what I can do.”

TIL of Private First Class, Francis Lipton— an American soldier in the Revolutionary war– who invented a delicious new beverage while fighting at Valley Forge.

It was the first known casual tea of
War.

In china, they invented a machine that can capture thieves

They tested out the machine in china for a week and they caught 2 thieves. The following week the russians decided to test this machine in Moscow, they caught 10 thieves. Seeing the machine's success, the Mexican government wanted to try this in the City of Mexico, they caught 400 thieves. Then the ...

Did you hear the man who invented the USB port died?

At his funeral they lowered the casket....

Then raised it, turned it around, and lowered it again.

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A new plastic surgery for missing eye lids has been invented.

It used circumcised men’s forskin to rebuilt the eye lids.
Unfortunately early results are disappointing, everyone has ended up cock eyed.

In the distant future scientists invent a special time machine

It can send messages back to the past, as a dream to a single person.

Because of all the problems Covid-19 caused, they decided to try and warn the world before hand. So a dream message was sent back to the year 2017: "Covid is fatal will arrive in fall 2019. Covid is fatal will arrive in fal...

I've invented an exciting new product. Say goodbye to noise-cancelling headphones...

...and say hello to noise-cancelling megaphones!

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The person who invented autocorrect died recently.

May he roast in piss.

I met the man who invented the part of a map that explains what each symbol means.

What a legend.

I just invented a DIY surgery kit

It’s called Suture Self.

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When I found out who invented the sex dolls

I definitely did nazi that coming.

The man who invented knock-knock jokes

should get a no bell prize.

How the Portuguese language was invented??

A drunk Russian tried to speak Spanish.

Why did the dinosaur cross the road?

Because chickens were not invented yet

A reporter goes to see an inventor who claims to have invented a machine that can answer any question

The reporter is asked to speak his question into the microphone and the machine will answer it with 100% accuracy.

Sceptical but curious the reporter starts easy, "Where is my mother?"

The machine bleeps and buzzes and then announces "Your mother is at her book club, they have just rev...

I was about to invent a circular sword.

But then I thought, what's the point.

To the guy who invented jackhammers,

that was a pretty ground breaking achievement

Did you know Ronnie Pickering invented the giraffe?

He got into an argument with a horse and uppercutted it

This is how the first tire was invented.

A guy had 365 used condoms. So he melted them down, made a tire, and called it a goodyear.

I learned that the vasectomy was invented by the Ancient Greek physician Euclipides.

Euclipides nuts.

Before guns were invented

armies had to throw bullets at each other and if a bullet touched you, you had to sit this one out until the next war

How did Thomas Edison invent the lightbulb?

He got a bright idea.

Whoever invented the knock knock joke should get an award.

Like no bell prize.

My mate has invented an invisible vehicle (OC)

I asked him 'What, like a car?'

'Not really' he replied 'It's more van-ish than that'

You know why the 2 piece bathing suit was invented?

To separate the dairy section from meat section...

I've got a meeting with the guy that invented the progress bar during the era of dialup internet. He's going to be here in 2 hours and 13 minutes.

Edit: Apparently he's stuck in traffic and he's going to be here in 6 hours 54 minutes.

Edit2: He's making better progress than thought, he will be here in 12 minutes.

Edit3: Apparently it will now take him 5 days

The man who invented the remote control has died age 96.

He was found down the back of the sofa.

My friend announced that he had invented a sport exclusively for animals with large, colourful beaks

I responded, “toucan play that game!”

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A man invents a device that makes food come to life

He's been working on this project for years, his family, those he trusted enough to tell, never believed in him. "Now they'll see" he thought. His device was ready and he got out a small piece of ham from the refrigerator and placed it into the containment chamber. He crossed his fingers and pushed ...

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Ever wonder how yodeling was invented?

Long ago, a mountain climber was walking through a valley on his way to a nearby mountain he had his eye on climbing. As he grew near his destination he saw a little farmhouse with a little barn with a farmer outside tending to his animals. The climber approached the farmer and asked if he could spe...

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When cybernetics are invented I want to replace my penis with a revolver

I could finally say I have a magnum dong

Do you know what was said about the shovel when it was invented?

Now that's groundbreaking idea!

In the beginning, God asked Adam to name the animals, so he began to invent names, “Lion, Tiger, Horse, Cow, Pig...” Then God said, “You must name the sea animals too.” Adam was exhausted, but he knew how important this was, so he continued...

“Sea lion, Tiger shark, Sea horse, Sea cow, Sea pig…”

Why did god invent whiskey?

So the Irish wouldn't rule the world

Which knight invented King Arthur’s Round Table?

Sir Cumference.

Where was the wheel invented?

In Tyre

Every 3 months buying new toothbrushes is expensive!

I have 32 teeth to buy toothbrushes for, I wish someone would invent a teethbrush!

Why did Oppenheimer invent the atomic bomb?

Because he wanted the world to lighten up.

Scientists invent a new machine to ease the pain during childbirth

The machine transfers the pain a woman feels during labor to the father of the baby, at any percentage rate between 0 and 100%.

The first couple to test it is very excited, they connect the machine to the soon-to-be-mother and warn the husbands about the consequences. "Men are not used to fee...

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An old Greek man and an old Italian man are arguing. The Greek man says "Look, all I'm saying is that the Greeks invented everything the Romans get credit for!"

The Italian says "Yes, may be, but the Romans improved it and made it useful!"

The Greek man says "We invented the Democracy!"

The Italian says "We realized the challenge of direct elections and the benefit of the legislature, and thus created the Republic!"

The Greek man says "...

Just invented a thought controlled air-freshener.

It makes scents, if you think about it.

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A Greek and an Italian were sitting in a coffee shop one afternoon discussing who had the superior culture.

The Greek says, "Well, we have the Parthenon."

Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum."

The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to philosophy.

The Italian, nodding agreement, says, "But we built the Roman Empire."

And so on and so on until the G...

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What does a man do when he stays virgin for his whole life?

Invents calculus and fucks all the coming generations.

It was sad to read that the guy who invented the computer mouse died..

Police suspect witchcraft as everyone they have spoken to have placed the cursor on him.

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