To the guy who invented zero

Thanks for nothing pal.

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I just read a story about a German scientist who invented a prosthetic penis

Nobody thought he could pull it off

When you think of it, invention of the shovel was groundbreaking

But it was the invention of the broom that swept the nation.

The man who invented auto-correct has suddenly past away...

His funfair is next monkey...

I invented an item that helps you stop smoking, drinking, and gambling.

It is quite the de-vice.

The toothbrush had to have been invented in Alabama.

Because if it were invented anywhere else it would be called a teethbrush.

I invented a new word yesterday.

I’m calling it “plagiarism”.

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An inventor, Liam, builds a humanoid lie detector robot that can slap you if you lie. As with all his inventions, his family will be the first round of test subjects.

At dinner, the inventor asks his son Jimmy about his day.

"I was at Scotts, we were studying for mid-terms."

The robot suddenly springs to life, slapping the son hard upside the head.

"Ow, what the fucking shit?" Jimmy exclaims angrily.

Liam looks at his son with a bemu...

Lets face it English is a stupid language There is no egg in the eggplant No ham in the hamburger And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England

French Fries Were Not Invented In France.

We Sometimes Take English For Granted

But If We Examine Its Paradoxes We Find That:

Quicksand Takes You Down Slowly

Boxing Rings Are Square

And A Guinea Pig Is Neither From Guinea Nor Is It A Pig.

If Writers Write, H...

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I have invented a new method for distilling alcohol in your rectum.

It's a little unconventional butt still, it works!

Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke?

He won the “no-bell” prize.

Have you heard about the man who invented a bell-less belfry?

The invention was so great, he won a no-bell prize.

Of all the inventions of the last 100 years...

the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable

Fitted sheets were originally invented in 1682 in Salem, MA.

Unfortunately, they didn't catch on at that time since anyone who could actually fold them was accused of witchcraft and subsequently burned at the stake.

The first person to invent a drill must’ve said,

“I’ve made a groundbreaking invention!”

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Greeks invented sex

The italians added women to it

What would high definition be called if invented in Paris?

The French resolution!

I have been inventing a new fetish, however...

I still haven't worked out the **Kinks**!

How did the man who invented the bed of stone die?

In a pillow fight

The kind of joke that should have been invented by a six year old, but instead by me, a thirtysomething: What kind of fungus grows on a cow?

a mooooshroom

(I don't know if I can actually claim credit as an inventor of this joke, but I've never heard it anywhere)

The guy who invented velcro shoes thought to himself

'Why knot?'

Do you think the guy who invented the vibrator heard voices saying . . .

"If you build it, they will come."

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Having invented a time machine I'm going to do the art world a favor

I'm going to make sure Adolf Hitler never gets into art school. I'm tired of seeing his paintings everywhere.

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After 15 years of marriage, the husband suggests to his wife that they should invent a little code for when she wants sex so he doesn't have to read her mind at bedtime.

Laying in bed one night he says "So, if you want sex, pull my dick once, if you don't want sex, pull my dick one hundred and sixty-nine times."

Anyone know the best thing about the invention of e-mail?

People stopped judging me so much for being an anti-faxxer

Did you know that the very first condoms were invented by the Welsh, using sheep intestines?

But it wasn't until the 19th century that the English perfected it by removing it from the sheep first

A great scientist invents a machine to split the pain of birth between a couple...

He finds a couple who just went into labour, and asks them if he can use the machine on them, as a test.

The couple agrees, and the husband says "We can split it 50 - 50, its only fair". So the scientist turns the machine up to 50%, just as the baby begins coming out, and the women starts gro...

Did you know it was the Scots who first invented the condom, using sheep’s intestine?

Years later, the French perfected it by first removing it from the sheep.


^ An oldie my French-heritage father loves to tell around my Scottish-heritage mother.

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A scientist is trying to invent

a bra that keeps women's breasts from bouncing when running and doesn’t show nipples when wet.

Don’t worry, we killed the idiot.

Do you know what did the guy who invented the first knock knock joke got ?

The 'no-bell prize'

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So I heard the guy who invented anagrams passed away today...

May he erect a penis.

The Greeks invented the threesome

But it was the Romans who thought of adding women.

The guy who invented autocorrect dies.

Is he going to heaven or hello?

Inventions

While necessity may be the mother of invention, efficiency and laziness are awaiting the results of the paternity test.

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

DONALD TRUMP: I've been told by my many sources, good sources - they're very good sources - that the chicken crossed the road. All the Fake News wants to do is write nasty things about the road, but it's a really good road. It's a beautiful road. Everyone knows how beautiful it is.

JOE BIDEN:...

Before crowbars were invented......

...most crows drank at home by themselves.

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The Japanese invented a thief catching robot.

After running successful lab trials they decided to test it. After deploying in Tokyo the robot caught 35 thieves in 24 hours.

The news Broke out.

Much Impressed, the Brits ordered the robot for themselves. After deploying in London the robot busted 65 thieves under 8 hours.

The...

A math student invented a new method of making liquor, using electromagnetics to distill alcohol.

Proof by induction.

It is I who invented the term, "plagiarism".

However, Al Gore got credit for it.

I like to imagine that the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the brella.

But he hesitated.

The guy who invented Sudoku actually really hated numbers

He just wanted to put them in their place.

How do you milk a sheep?

By inventing the next "covid cure" that's not a vaccine.

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An elderly inventor was becoming depressed with his life: his hearing was failing, his wife was always nagging him, he hadn't invented anything good in years, and his former good looks had been replaced by wrinkles and sagging skin.

He goes to the doctor to discuss his depression. When he arrives back home he has a huge smile on his face. He rushed past his wife and heads into the basement, where he immediately starts tinkering with a brand new invention.

His wife comes downstairs, gives the invention a once-over, then...

Scientists Invent Machine That Can Ruin Any Pizza

It's called a microwave.

So today I had an idea for an invention because I was bored. A belt made out of watches.

After I finished connecting the watches to one another I realized something.

It was a big waist of time.

We invented the word. Why can’t we say it?

Worcestershire sauce.

Everyone has heard of the historical figure, Karl Marx

But no one remembers his sister, Onya, She invented the starting pistol.

Do you know why the French invented the portapotty?

They needed somewhere to oui oui

What was the most ground-breaking invention in human history?

The shovel

I invented a new golf ball for amateurs that will automatically go in the hole if you get it within four inches.

Disclaimer: Do not carry it in your back pocket!

The invention of television has eliminated famine in Ireland.

Now, when the crops fail in the garden, the population can raise couch potatoes in the living room.

My son told me he’s going to work forever. But not for a salary, he won’t need to get paid when he’s older, but he’ll have so many good ideas that he’ll have to keep at it. Working all the time to crank out his inventions and art and literature and all that. So I ask him to share some ideas with me.

"I can’t share them with you, I haven’t started having them yet."

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A jealous king was about to go on a long journey but was afraid that his queen would be unfaithful to him..

Therefore he summoned his best blacksmiths, in order to create a device that was going to provide protection from any penetration to his queen.

The most ingenious blacksmith came with an invention that could split in half anything that would dare to penetrate the queens genitals.

...

I invented a sandal for one legged people

It was a flop.

A doctor thinks he’s invented a new procedure to remove a woman’s uterus

Other doctors point out this is already a well known operation

The doctor replies “oh well it’s historic-to-me”

Why did God invent women?

To woo men.

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True facts....

\*\*\*\*True Facts\*\*\*\*

1. IN the 1400s, a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb, hence we have 'the rule of thumb'.

2. Many years ago, in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled 'Gentlemen Only, Ladies Fo...

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To whoever invented the mini skirt, you are a good person, thank you.

My balls have never felt so free.

If Al Gore didn't invent the internet

Why do all of the silicon valley companies always talk about Al Gore's rhythm?

My family branded me as a failure, then I invented an invisibility cloak.

If only they could see me now...

The person who invented autocorrect walks into a barn.

He orders a bear.

Thought I found a new groundbreaking invention

Turns out it was just another hoe

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They say that, during sex, you burn off as many calories as running right miles.

Who the hell runs eight miles in 30 seconds?

Edit: I appreciate all the real jokes in the comments.

As for the guy who invented autocorrect, well, there's a special place in she'll for him.

Did you hear they invented an automatic pen and paper for clowns?

The joke writes itself

The guy who invented the alarm clock is my idol.

He’s the sole reason I wake up every day.

I seriously hope this hasn’t been done before.

I invented a device that can stop a snake in its tracks.

It's made of asphalt.

I met the man who invented the part of a map that explains what each symbol means.

What a legend.

What did the critic say after the clock was invented

It's about time he did

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A man invented the tampon

Let that soak in.

My grandmother invented Nair…

She’s Amelia Nair

How was copper wire invented?

Two lawyers fighting over a penny.

;-)

Back in caveman days, all we had were clubs and rocks. And doors hadn't even been invented yet...

...we had to tell each other "thump thump" jokes!

The man who invented Tetris died.

They buried him and the whole cemetery disappeared.

I've got a meeting with the guy that invented the progress bar during the era of dialup internet. He's going to be here in 2 hours and 13 minutes.

Edit: Apparently he's stuck in traffic and he's going to be here in 6 hours 54 minutes.

Edit2: He's making better progress than thought, he will be here in 12 minutes.

Edit3: Apparently it will now take him 5 days

In the distant future scientists invent a special time machine

It can send messages back to the past, as a dream to a single person.

Because of all the problems Covid-19 caused, they decided to try and warn the world before hand. So a dream message was sent back to the year 2017: "Covid is fatal will arrive in fall 2019. Covid is fatal will arrive in fal...

I was about to invent a circular sword.

But then I thought, what's the point.

What did people say when the inventor of the Dry Erase Board showed off his new invention.

That's Remarkable!

Terrible joke, came to me on the toilet early, but I had to say it. And it is also likely be told in some form before.

I invented time travel and killed my grandfather to see if I wouldn’t be born

It’s the worst way to get to know I’m adopted..

In china, they invented a machine that can capture thieves

They tested out the machine in china for a week and they caught 2 thieves. The following week the russians decided to test this machine in Moscow, they caught 10 thieves. Seeing the machine's success, the Mexican government wanted to try this in the City of Mexico, they caught 400 thieves. Then the ...

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What did Dr. Watson name the product he invented to successfully cure his partner’s chronic diarrhea?

No shit Sherlock

Did you hear the man who invented the USB port died?

At his funeral they lowered the casket....

Then raised it, turned it around, and lowered it again.

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NSFW As everyone knows it was a Pollock that invented Pussy.....

Who else but a Polack would put an eating establishment, right next to a dump!

if Lays had invented air hockey

it would be just air

The man who invented the trampoline died today.

His family remembers his last words... “Look what I can do.”

Dogs invented the Internet.

They have used IP protocol long before us.

Scientists invent a new machine to ease the pain during childbirth

The machine transfers the pain a woman feels during labor to the father of the baby, at any percentage rate between 0 and 100%.

The first couple to test it is very excited, they connect the machine to the soon-to-be-mother and warn the husbands about the consequences. "Men are not used to fee...

To the person who invented autocorrect...

There's a special place in he'll for you.

Whoever invented police helicopters doomed us all

Everything’s gonna happen now that pigs can fly

In the beginning, God asked Adam to name the animals, so he began to invent names, “Lion, Tiger, Horse, Cow, Pig...” Then God said, “You must name the sea animals too.” Adam was exhausted, but he knew how important this was, so he continued...

“Sea lion, Tiger shark, Sea horse, Sea cow, Sea pig…”

Scientists have invented a bomb that explodes when the temperature hits absolute zero

It's called the "0K Boomer"

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A Greek and an Italian are arguing which nation is the more intelligent

So the Greek says "we invented sex!"


To which the Italian responds "and we decided to do it with women"

Why did god invent whiskey?

So the Irish wouldn't rule the world

Did you know that Thomas Jefferson invented the swivel chair

Guess he really loved Revolutions after all.

How did Thomas Edison invent the lightbulb?

He got a bright idea.

It's 80 years since non stick pans were invented (Teflon 1938)

Where is the non stick toilet bowl?

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A new plastic surgery for missing eye lids has been invented.

It used circumcised men’s forskin to rebuilt the eye lids.
Unfortunately early results are disappointing, everyone has ended up cock eyed.

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A man invents a device that makes food come to life

He's been working on this project for years, his family, those he trusted enough to tell, never believed in him. "Now they'll see" he thought. His device was ready and he got out a small piece of ham from the refrigerator and placed it into the containment chamber. He crossed his fingers and pushed ...

Before guns were invented

armies had to throw bullets at each other and if a bullet touched you, you had to sit this one out until the next war

TIL of Private First Class, Francis Lipton— an American soldier in the Revolutionary war– who invented a delicious new beverage while fighting at Valley Forge.

It was the first known casual tea of
War.

Why did Oppenheimer invent the atomic bomb?

Because he wanted the world to lighten up.

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The man who invented autocorrect has died.

May he roast in piss.

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