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Invent Jokes

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What was the first human civilization to invent the bidet?

The ass tech people.

In 1802, the condom was invented in New Zealand...

...by using sheep's lower intestine.

Some years later, Australians refined the idea by removing the intestine from the sheep first.

It’s a good thing our favorite sports drink was invented at University of Florida…

If it was developed at Florida State University, Gatorade might have been called Seminole Fluid instead.

It wasn’t easy for the guy who invented the microphone in the beginning.

He got some really bad feedback.

A local man has been trying to invent a camouflage suit for dolphins

While it seems like a cool idea, I just don't see the porpoise

Who invented that game?

Did you know that Henry VIII invented the game F*ck, Marry, Kill?

Back in his day, however, it was called Wed, Bed, Behead.

The government is reported to have invented a mind-control air freshener.

It makes scents if you think about it.

I've invented a new soft drink that floats out the can

It breaks the laws of fizzicks

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The anal dildo was invented entirely spontaneously...

From what I hear, the inventor just pulled it out of his ass

Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers and got rich?

He made a mint

Q. Why were photographs so depressing before digital cameras were invented?

A. Because they spent too much time processing the negatives.

Did you know the magnifying glass was invented by a Chinese guy?

Yeah, his name was Tzu Minh

To the guy who invented zero...

Thanks for nothing.

I have invented a golf ball that will go in the hole if within 4 inches.

Don't put it in your back pocket.

Whosoever invented "dentures" missed out on calling them ...

"Substitooths".

What do you call a man who invented DNA?

Gene

Thomas Edison needed Nikolai Tesla, Joseph Swan, James Bowman Lindsay etc to invent the light bulb.

Many hands make light work.

I want to invent a belt that tells what time it is.

Actually nevermind, it’ll be a waist of time.

The man who invented the umbrella was going to call it brella.

When asked, he hesitated.

i invented a new word!

its called plagiarism

Whoever invented the teaspoon

caused quite a stir.

The contact lens is mans greatest invention

At least in my eyes

I invented silent tennis...

It's like regular tennis but without the racket.

I often wonder what my parents did to fill their time before the internet was invented...

I've asked my 17 brothers and sisters and they don't know either...

The man who invented the throat lozenge has passed away...

There was no coffin at the funeral.

Which knight invented King Arthur's Round Table?

Sir Cumference

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The Greeks vs. the Italians A Greek and Italian were debating who has the superior culture.

The Greek says, “We have the Parthenon.”


The Italian says, “We have the Coliseum.”


The Greeks says, “We had great mathematicians and philosophers.”


The Italian says, “We created a world empire and established Pax Romana.”


And so on and so on for hours...

People say I'm crazy for trying to invent a mind-controlled air freshener...

but it makes scents when you think about it.

Let's just take a moment to salute the genius who invented the vibrator.

"If you build it, they will come."

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Most people didn’t like the guy who invented doors

They say he was a bit of a knob

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Why did God invent yeast infections?

So women could find out what it's like to live with an annoying cunt!

Did you know to that tin can was invented 1810, but the can opener wouldn’t be invented for another 16 years?

So until then they were just called can’ts.

Little known fact, before the crowbar was invented…

Most crows drank at home.

The toothbrush was invented in Kentucky.

If it was invented in any other state, it would have been called a teethbrush.

Who invented the miniskirt?

Seymour Hiney.

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TIL: A Welshman Invented the Condom when he Discovered he Could Wrap his Penis in Sheep Intestines to Prevent Pregnancy

A hundred years later a Scotsman perfected the idea by taking them out of the sheep first.

how do you know the toothbrush is a British invention?

If it was from elsewhere they'd call it a teethbrush !

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I invented a new cocktail...

The reviews were mixed.

What’s the most remarkable invention of the last century?

The whiteboard.

Did you hear about the guy that invented the knock knock joke?

He won a Nobel Prize.

Take EVERYTHING you know about bread and throw it out the window. Okay...Now, let me tell you about a little invention I made.

Bread!

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Here's a joke I wrote... maybe it's dumb, but really fun to tell.

So, I went to the Home Depot today and stumbled upon this new device used in the emergency room to re-attach a man's private parts after an accident. And guess what? It's nothing but a staple gun! But, sometimes, they mess up and attach it to the wrong person, and I heard they had to invent ANOTHER ...

How do we know the tooth brush was invented in Alabama?

If it was invented anywhere else it would be called the "teeth brush."

Elon Musk and Bill Gates have decided to partner in a joint venture to invent a medication to overcome erectile dysfunction.

They have decided to name the new drug 'Elongates'.

If Chuck Norris hadn't existed...

Chuck Norris would have invented him.

I just invented a way of powering the earth off of toddlers

Mine produces about 1000 what are's every day.

What was a more important invention than the first telephone?

The second one.

Because gas prices are so high I invented a car powered by talking.

However, being a man of few words, I quickly got tired of talking in order to get anywhere so I modified the car to run on thoughts alone. I'm very happy with the results because, well, it goes without saying.

It was July 17, 1946

The temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.

The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, had invented the first automobile air-conditioner.

The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were t...

At a party last week my wife got very drunk and told everybody she invented the echo.

I said to her "listen to yourself"

There are four people in an airplane.

They are as follows:

\- The pilot (Obviously)

\- The president of the USA

\- The world's smartest man

\- A student from a local school.



Suddenly, an alarm sounds. The pilot runs into the passenger cabin and says:

"I don't want to alarm you, but there...

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I've invented the ultimate sex toy, the Fetish-o-matic 3000!

Not quite ready for mass production though, still working out the kinks.

The person who invented autocorrect should burn in

Hello

The man who invented spreadable margarine got scammed out of every penny he made out of it.

I can't believe he's not bitter.

Of all the inventions of the last 100 years...

the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable

The guy who invented Velcro died

RIP

Before the invention of crowbars…

Crows had to drink at home.

The Greeks invented the threesome

But it was the Romans who thought of adding women.

The first person to invent a drill must’ve said,

“I’ve made a groundbreaking invention!”

"Invent a clever line, and forever your name lives on."

*(-Anonymous)*

Three archaeologists met in a seminar.

The British said: we dug very deep and found sculpted animal bones. This proves that my ancestors invented art.

The German said: we dug very deep and found a plate-size disk showing the solar system. This proves that my ancestors invented astronomy.

The Italian said: we dug very deep a...

Toilet paper...

Whoever it was that invented single ply toilet paper, I'd like to shake his hand.

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After 15 years of marriage, the husband suggests to his wife that they should invent a little code for when she wants sex so he doesn't have to read her mind at bedtime.

Laying in bed one night he says "So, if you want sex, pull my dick once, if you don't want sex, pull my dick one hundred and sixty-nine times."

My son accidentally invented the end-all-be-all of kid jokes

Knock knock

\-- Who's there?

Chicken

\-- Chicken who?

Chicken from across the road

Lets face it English is a stupid language There is no egg in the eggplant No ham in the hamburger And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England

French Fries Were Not Invented In France.

We Sometimes Take English For Granted

But If We Examine Its Paradoxes We Find That:

Quicksand Takes You Down Slowly

Boxing Rings Are Square

And A Guinea Pig Is Neither From Guinea Nor Is It A Pig.

If Writers Write, H...

Last week I submitted a ten page in depth technical description of my groundbreaking invention to a prestigious journal... but it didn't get published.

They said I should just call a spade a spade.

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I just read a story about a German scientist who invented a prosthetic penis

Nobody thought he could pull it off

I've invented a new talent contest where you have to dress up as a sailor and eat as much spinach as fast as possible.

I'm going to call it Popeyedol.

The military has invented a new missile that turns everything in its vicinity to gold

They’re calling it the Automic bomb

Back before the train was invented,

We had to run a wagon on your mom.

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Having invented a time machine I'm going to do the art world a favor

I'm going to make sure Adolf Hitler never gets into art school. I'm tired of seeing his paintings everywhere.

What was the most ground-breaking invention in human history?

The shovel

Whisky is an amazing invention.

2 doubles and you start feeling single again.

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A scientist is trying to invent

a bra that keeps women's breasts from bouncing when running and doesn’t show nipples when wet.

Don’t worry, we killed the idiot.

When you think of it, invention of the shovel was groundbreaking

But it was the invention of the broom that swept the nation.

I have invented a machine for automated circumcision

The technology is cutting edge.

When I was little, a strange man stepped out of a time machine and punched me for no reason!

So I've worked all my life to invent a time machine of my own, and I'm going back to when he was little and we'll see how he likes the taste of his own medicine.

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Ancient greeks invented sex.

Romans made it more interesting by adding females.

Waste of time (machine)

(To waste your time)

(I invented a Time Machine)

(At last)

(I did it)

(Heres the thing:)

(Which you are doing.)

(If you travel back in time)

(You’ll understand)

The person who invented the umbrella was going to simply call it 'brella'..

Then they thought about it for a second....

I've got a meeting with the guy that invented the progress bar during the era of dialup internet. He's going to be here in 2 hours and 13 minutes.

Edit: Apparently he's stuck in traffic and he's going to be here in 6 hours 54 minutes.

Edit2: He's making better progress than thought, he will be here in 12 minutes.

Edit3: Apparently it will now take him 5 days

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Italians have always copied good inventions from other cultures and made them exceptional

Beretta took Walthers's designs and made them sexy

They discovered noodles from china, removed the dog, and created pasta

They stole the idea of arches from the Etruscans and built colosseums and aqueducts

They took the gladius from celt-iberians and conquered the world with it<...

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Do you know who invented the endoscope?

I don't either, butt I heard he's an asshole

Scientists Invent Machine That Can Ruin Any Pizza

It's called a microwave.

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Japanese have finally invented a robot that catches thieves…

They decided to test it and put the robot in Belgium. In the first day it caught 10,000 thieves.

Then they put it in America. In the first day it caught 20,000 thieves.

Then they put it in Russia. In the first hour, someone stole the robot.

I have invented microscopic robots that can form the face of Robin Williams.

I call them "nanu-nanubots."

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It is said that sex was invented by the ancient Greeks, but it was greatly improved by the Romans.

You see, they discovered that you can have it with women too.

The man who invented auto-correct has suddenly past away...

His funfair is next monkey...

The person who invented autocorrect walks into a barn.

He orders a bear.

I met the man who invented the part of a map that explains what each symbol means.

What a legend.

Joke from AC Origins

You know what they say:

Greeks invented the threesome

And the Romans added women.

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The Japanese invented a thief catching robot.

After running successful lab trials they decided to test it. After deploying in Tokyo the robot caught 35 thieves in 24 hours.

The news Broke out.

Much Impressed, the Brits ordered the robot for themselves. After deploying in London the robot busted 65 thieves under 8 hours.

The...

The inventor of the ballet skirt was struggling for a name for his invention.

Finally he put tu and tu together.

I was about to invent a circular sword.

But then I thought, what's the point.

Did you hear about the guy who invented dip made from garbanzo beans but didn't get any recognition for it?

He was honored posthummusly

It's my cake day, thought I'd share my favorite joke I like to tell

King Arthur was preparing to go out on an expedition and would be away from Camelot for an indefinite period of time. King Arthur was worried about leaving Queen Guinevere alone with all those Knights of the Round Table. So he went to Merlin for some advice.

After explaining his predicament t...

Whoever invented the knock knock jokes

Should get a Nobell prize.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you know that the condom was invented by the Turks?

They used the intestines of sheep around their penis when having sex.

And did you know that years later, the Brits were the ones who improved the condom by removing the sheep?

Russian Ministry of Communication announces proof that Putin invented the telephone.

Played recording of three messages on answering machine left by Alexander Graham Bell.

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that...

The guy who invented velcro shoes thought to himself

'Why knot?'

Do you think the guy who invented the vibrator heard voices saying . . .

"If you build it, they will come."

Scientists invent a new machine to ease the pain during childbirth

The machine transfers the pain a woman feels during labor to the father of the baby, at any percentage rate between 0 and 100%.

The first couple to test it is very excited, they connect the machine to the soon-to-be-mother and warn the husbands about the consequences. "Men are not used to fee...

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The man who invented unisex Tennis has died.

RIP Mick Stubbles

John constantly irritated his friends with his eternal optimism…

No matter how bad the situation, he would always say, "It could have been worse."

To cure him of this annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a situation so completely black, so dreadful, that even John could find no hope in it. Approaching him at the club bar one day, one of them said,...

In the beginning, God asked Adam to name the animals, so he began to invent names, “Lion, Tiger, Horse, Cow, Pig...” Then God said, “You must name the sea animals too.” Adam was exhausted, but he knew how important this was, so he continued...

“Sea lion, Tiger shark, Sea horse, Sea cow, Sea pig…”

I invented an item that helps you stop smoking, drinking, and gambling.

It is quite the de-vice.

In the distant future scientists invent a special time machine

It can send messages back to the past, as a dream to a single person.

Because of all the problems Covid-19 caused, they decided to try and warn the world before hand. So a dream message was sent back to the year 2017: "Covid is fatal will arrive in fall 2019. Covid is fatal will arrive in fal...

how many Indians does it take to fix a lightbulb?

Two. One to do the task and other to explain how lightbulbs were actually invented in ancient India.

After a group of scientists invented a tasteless orally ingestible Covid vaccine they had a meeting to decide which products would be best to put it in to get to finally get to 100% coverage in America.

Ranch dressing will get 98% and Horse dewormer paste to cover the last 2%

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An inventor, Liam, builds a humanoid lie detector robot that can slap you if you lie. As with all his inventions, his family will be the first round of test subjects.

At dinner, the inventor asks his son Jimmy about his day.

"I was at Scotts, we were studying for mid-terms."

The robot suddenly springs to life, slapping the son hard upside the head.

"Ow, what the fucking shit?" Jimmy exclaims angrily.

Liam looks at his son with a bemu...

Why did man invent curling?

To convince women sweeping was a sport.

Why did god invent whiskey?

So the Irish wouldn't rule the world

Why did God invent women?

To woo men.

If Al Gore didn't invent the internet

Why do all of the silicon valley companies always talk about Al Gore's rhythm?

A new invention

An inventor walks into a bar and orders a bottle of champagne. "Let's celebrate!" the inventor tells the bartender. "My latest invention is finally in production and will be on the market soon ... just in time for this crazy cold snap that is coming next week." "What is it?" the bartender asks. "It'...

What did the dutch man say when he invented the dutch oven?

Now we're cooking with ass!

I invented a new word.

Plagiarism.

---

EDIT : This joke was invented by me and copyrighted. Dare to take it and a lawsuit shall find you.

I invented a new aftershave in honour of the Omicron virus

I named it ‘Leave me the Far Cologne’

I've invented a kind of scarf that wraps around your midsection for extra warmth in winter

I'm calling it the bellyclava.

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