UPJOKE
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Did you know the magnifying glass was invented by a Chinese guy?

Yeah, his name was Tzu Minh

Whosoever invented "dentures" missed out on calling them ...

"Substitooths".

The man who invented the umbrella was going to call it brella.

When asked, he hesitated.

Thomas Edison needed Nikolai Tesla, Joseph Swan, James Bowman Lindsay etc to invent the light bulb.

Many hands make light work.

I invented silent tennis...

It's like regular tennis but without the racket.

Which knight invented King Arthur's Round Table?

Sir Cumference

i invented a new word!

its called plagiarism

I often wonder what my parents did to fill their time before the internet was invented...

I've asked my 17 brothers and sisters and they don't know either...

Whoever invented the teaspoon

caused quite a stir.

The man who invented the throat lozenge has passed away...

There was no coffin at the funeral.

The toothbrush was invented in Kentucky.

If it was invented in any other state, it would have been called a teethbrush.

What’s the most remarkable invention of the last century?

The whiteboard.

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Most people didn’t like the guy who invented doors

They say he was a bit of a knob

Little known fact, before the crowbar was invented…

Most crows drank at home.

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I invented a new cocktail...

The reviews were mixed.

how do you know the toothbrush is a British invention?

If it was from elsewhere they'd call it a teethbrush !

Who invented the miniskirt?

Seymour Hiney.

Did you hear about the guy that invented the knock knock joke?

He won a Nobel Prize.

Take EVERYTHING you know about bread and throw it out the window. Okay...Now, let me tell you about a little invention I made.

Bread!

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Why did God invent yeast infections?

So women could find out what it's like to live with an annoying cunt!

At a party last week my wife got very drunk and told everybody she invented the echo.

I said to her "listen to yourself"

Because gas prices are so high I invented a car powered by talking.

However, being a man of few words, I quickly got tired of talking in order to get anywhere so I modified the car to run on thoughts alone. I'm very happy with the results because, well, it goes without saying.

After the invention of time travel, many historic figures were brought to the present to experience modern culture with varying degrees of success.

George Washington nearly had a heart-attack because of the current state of the two party system, Napoleon tried to conquer Europe once more, and Alfred Einstein became an avid redditer, amongst many other historic events.

But out of all the crazy things happening because of time travel, the ...

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A Welshman Invented the Condom when he Discovered he Could Wrap his Penis in Sheep Intestines to Prevent Pregnancy

A hundred years later a Scotsman perfected the idea by taking them out of the sheep first.

To the guy who invented 0...

Thanks for nothing.

I've just invented a telepathically controlled air freshener

Makes scents when you think about it.

People say I'm crazy for trying to invent a mind-controlled air freshener...

but it makes scents when you think about it.

I just invented a way of powering the earth off of toddlers

Mine produces about 1000 what are's every day.

The man who invented spreadable margarine got scammed out of every penny he made out of it.

I can't believe he's not bitter.

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I've invented the ultimate sex toy, the Fetish-o-matic 3000!

Not quite ready for mass production though, still working out the kinks.

What was a more important invention than the first telephone?

The second one.

Last week I submitted a ten page in depth technical description of my groundbreaking invention to a prestigious journal... but it didn't get published.

They said I should just call a spade a spade.

Before the invention of crowbars…

Crows had to drink at home.

The person who invented autocorrect should burn in

Hello

Back before the train was invented,

We had to run a wagon on your mom.

My son accidentally invented the end-all-be-all of kid jokes

Knock knock

\-- Who's there?

Chicken

\-- Chicken who?

Chicken from across the road

I've invented a new talent contest where you have to dress up as a sailor and eat as much spinach as fast as possible.

I'm going to call it Popeyedol.

Whisky is an amazing invention.

2 doubles and you start feeling single again.

The guy who invented Velcro died

RIP

Elon Musk and Bill Gates have decided to partner in a joint venture to invent a medication to overcome erectile dysfunction.

They have decided to name the new drug 'Elongates'.

To the genius who invented 1ply toilet paper....

I wanna shake your hand.

How A/C was invented

The four Goldberg brothers - Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Maxwell - invent vehicle air conditioning. But they have a hard time marketing it.

Well, on one 97-degree Detroit summer day, the four brothers walk into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talk his secretary into telling him that four...

When I was little, a strange man stepped out of a time machine and punched me for no reason!

So I've worked all my life to invent a time machine of my own, and I'm going back to when he was little and we'll see how he likes the taste of his own medicine.

I have invented microscopic robots that can form the face of Robin Williams.

I call them "nanu-nanubots."

The military has invented a new missile that turns everything in its vicinity to gold

They’re calling it the Automic bomb

"Invent a clever line, and forever your name lives on."

*(-Anonymous)*

I have invented a machine for automated circumcision

The technology is cutting edge.

Of all the inventions of the last 100 years...

the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable

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Japanese have finally invented a robot that catches thieves…

They decided to test it and put the robot in Belgium. In the first day it caught 10,000 thieves.

Then they put it in America. In the first day it caught 20,000 thieves.

Then they put it in Russia. In the first hour, someone stole the robot.

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Italians have always copied good inventions from other cultures and made them exceptional

Beretta took Walthers's designs and made them sexy

They discovered noodles from china, removed the dog, and created pasta

They stole the idea of arches from the Etruscans and built colosseums and aqueducts

They took the gladius from celt-iberians and conquered the world with it<...

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Do you know who invented the endoscope?

I don't either, butt I heard he's an asshole

The first person to invent a drill must’ve said,

“I’ve made a groundbreaking invention!”

The person who invented the umbrella was going to simply call it 'brella'..

Then they thought about it for a second....

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that...

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I just read a story about a German scientist who invented a prosthetic penis

Nobody thought he could pull it off

What was the most ground-breaking invention in human history?

The shovel

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Ancient greeks invented sex.

Romans made it more interesting by adding females.

Lets face it English is a stupid language There is no egg in the eggplant No ham in the hamburger And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England

French Fries Were Not Invented In France.

We Sometimes Take English For Granted

But If We Examine Its Paradoxes We Find That:

Quicksand Takes You Down Slowly

Boxing Rings Are Square

And A Guinea Pig Is Neither From Guinea Nor Is It A Pig.

If Writers Write, H...

how many Indians does it take to fix a lightbulb?

Two. One to do the task and other to explain how lightbulbs were actually invented in ancient India.

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It is said that sex was invented by the ancient Greeks, but it was greatly improved by the Romans.

You see, they discovered that you can have it with women too.

A woman tells her friend: "Hey, yesterday I bought a toilet brush".

Her friend replied: "Alright, so?"

Her: Well I think its great invention, but I'd much rather use toilet paper.

Russian Ministry of Communication announces proof that Putin invented the telephone.

Played recording of three messages on answering machine left by Alexander Graham Bell.

In the US they invented a machine which catches thieves.

It was sent out to different cities for testing.

In New York City, in 30 minutes, it caught 2000 thieves.

In Detriot, in 30 minutess, it caught 8000 thieves.

In Memphis, in 30 minutes, it caught 8500 thieves.

In Chicago, in 15 minutes, the machine was stolen.

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After 15 years of marriage, the husband suggests to his wife that they should invent a little code for when she wants sex so he doesn't have to read her mind at bedtime.

Laying in bed one night he says "So, if you want sex, pull my dick once, if you don't want sex, pull my dick one hundred and sixty-nine times."

When you think of it, invention of the shovel was groundbreaking

But it was the invention of the broom that swept the nation.

King Arthur

King Arthur was preparing to go out on an adventure and would be away from Camelot for an indefinite period of time. But King Arthur was worried about leaving Queen Guinevere alone with all those Knights of the Round Table. So he went to see Merlin to see if he had a solution.

Merlin, the wiz...

Did you hear about the guy who invented dip made from garbanzo beans but didn't get any recognition for it?

He was honored posthummusly

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Having invented a time machine I'm going to do the art world a favor

I'm going to make sure Adolf Hitler never gets into art school. I'm tired of seeing his paintings everywhere.

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King Arthur goes on a crusade

But is worried about his wife having sex with other men. So he goes to a locksmith and asks:

-Hello my dear friend you see I'm heading out for a crusade and I'm worried about my wife's purity.

-Say no more my king I think I have just right thing for your sorrows. Look this my latest ...

The inventor of the ballet skirt was struggling for a name for his invention.

Finally he put tu and tu together.

Have you ever heard of Roko's Basilisk? (contains a small amount of existential dread)

It's a thought experiment provided by a user named "Roko" on a philosophy forum-based website.

Suppose a machine is invented that can simulate the whole world from the past to the future, becoming practically omniscient. The scientists who made this obviously want this to help the world, so ...

The man who invented auto-correct has suddenly past away...

His funfair is next monkey...

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A scientist is trying to invent

a bra that keeps women's breasts from bouncing when running and doesn’t show nipples when wet.

Don’t worry, we killed the idiot.

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why did newton die a virgin

Because he wasn't integrals (into girls) (he invented calculus)

An Irishman walks into a bar, and orders three pints, all at once.

He does this for several days, drinking one, and then the next one, and then the last one. After a week or two, the bartender says
"You know, I can bring you your drinks one at a time, so they stay fresh and cold"
"No, no" the Irishman says to the bartender "I have two brothers. One...

What did the dutch man say when he invented the dutch oven?

Now we're cooking with ass!

The Welsh invented the condom by using sheep’s intestine

The English perfected the condom by removing the intestine from the sheep

Scientists Invent Machine That Can Ruin Any Pizza

It's called a microwave.

I've invented a kind of scarf that wraps around your midsection for extra warmth in winter

I'm calling it the bellyclava.

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The man who invented unisex Tennis has died.

RIP Mick Stubbles

I invented a new aftershave in honour of the Omicron virus

I named it ‘Leave me the Far Cologne’

Everyone thinks pound cake is called "pound cake" because of the ingredients

But it's actually named after the place it was invented, "Pound Town",

You know, where your mom lives.

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I know for a fact that the person who invented the pump shot gun was a guy

Just the way to cock it.

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The Japanese invented a thief catching robot.

After running successful lab trials they decided to test it. After deploying in Tokyo the robot caught 35 thieves in 24 hours.

The news Broke out.

Much Impressed, the Brits ordered the robot for themselves. After deploying in London the robot busted 65 thieves under 8 hours.

The...

After a group of scientists invented a tasteless orally ingestible Covid vaccine they had a meeting to decide which products would be best to put it in to get to finally get to 100% coverage in America.

Ranch dressing will get 98% and Horse dewormer paste to cover the last 2%

I invented an item that helps you stop smoking, drinking, and gambling.

It is quite the de-vice.

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An inventor, Liam, builds a humanoid lie detector robot that can slap you if you lie. As with all his inventions, his family will be the first round of test subjects.

At dinner, the inventor asks his son Jimmy about his day.

"I was at Scotts, we were studying for mid-terms."

The robot suddenly springs to life, slapping the son hard upside the head.

"Ow, what the fucking shit?" Jimmy exclaims angrily.

Liam looks at his son with a bemu...

I've got a meeting with the guy that invented the progress bar during the era of dialup internet. He's going to be here in 2 hours and 13 minutes.

Edit: Apparently he's stuck in traffic and he's going to be here in 6 hours 54 minutes.

Edit2: He's making better progress than thought, he will be here in 12 minutes.

Edit3: Apparently it will now take him 5 days

The guy who invented velcro shoes thought to himself

'Why knot?'

The person who invented autocorrect walks into a barn.

He orders a bear.

Do you think the guy who invented the vibrator heard voices saying . . .

"If you build it, they will come."

I met the man who invented the part of a map that explains what each symbol means.

What a legend.

Just popped out another one

Inventing a bad joke is better then having a child. You do have to go through the the labor, but it's everybody else that goes through the pain.

I was about to invent a circular sword.

But then I thought, what's the point.

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I heard that the guy who invented autocorrect passed away...

May he rest in piss.

I invented a new golf ball that’ll automatically go in the hole if it gets within four inches.

Do NOT carry them in your back pocket.

What would high definition be called if invented in Paris?

The French resolution!

Fitted sheets were originally invented in 1682 in Salem, MA.

Unfortunately, they didn't catch on at that time since anyone who could actually fold them was accused of witchcraft and subsequently burned at the stake.

Whoever invented the knock knock jokes

Should get a Nobell prize.

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I have invented a new method for distilling alcohol in your rectum.

It's a little unconventional butt still, it works!

I’ve invented a biro with a bell attachment.

Patent pen ding.

If Al Gore didn't invent the internet

Why do all of the silicon valley companies always talk about Al Gore's rhythm?

In the distant future scientists invent a special time machine

It can send messages back to the past, as a dream to a single person.

Because of all the problems Covid-19 caused, they decided to try and warn the world before hand. So a dream message was sent back to the year 2017: "Covid is fatal will arrive in fall 2019. Covid is fatal will arrive in fal...

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Did you know that the condom was invented by the Turks?

They used the intestines of sheep around their penis when having sex.

And did you know that years later, the Brits were the ones who improved the condom by removing the sheep?

Scientists invent a new machine to ease the pain during childbirth

The machine transfers the pain a woman feels during labor to the father of the baby, at any percentage rate between 0 and 100%.

The first couple to test it is very excited, they connect the machine to the soon-to-be-mother and warn the husbands about the consequences. "Men are not used to fee...

In the beginning, God asked Adam to name the animals, so he began to invent names, “Lion, Tiger, Horse, Cow, Pig...” Then God said, “You must name the sea animals too.” Adam was exhausted, but he knew how important this was, so he continued...

“Sea lion, Tiger shark, Sea horse, Sea cow, Sea pig…”

Why did God invent women?

To woo men.

I have been inventing a new fetish, however...

I still haven't worked out the **Kinks**!

Why did god invent whiskey?

So the Irish wouldn't rule the world

My family branded me as a failure, then I invented an invisibility cloak.

If only they could see me now...

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