A great scientist invents a machine to split the pain of birth between a couple...

He finds a couple who just went into labour, and asks them if he can use the machine on them, as a test.

The couple agrees, and the husband says "We can split it 50 - 50, its only fair". So the scientist turns the machine up to 50%, just as the baby begins coming out, and the women starts gro...

Scientists Invent Machine That Can Ruin Any Pizza

It's called a microwave.

I like to imagine that the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the brella.

But he hesitated.

Guys I just invented a new word

Guys I just invented a new word


Plagiarism

The guy who invented auto-correct for smart phones passed away today.

Restaurant in peace.

To the person who invented infinity

Thanks for everything

The Greeks invented the threesome

But it was the Romans who thought of adding women.

I invented time travel and killed my grandfather to see if I wouldn’t be born

It’s the worst way to get to know I’m adopted..

Elon Musk and Bill Gates should team up to invent a cure for erectile dysfunction,

and name it ElonGates

Today I found out Karl Marx's sister invented the starting pistol

Her name was Onya

The shovel was such a great invention.

It was truly groundbreaking.

Did you hear the man who invented the USB port died?

At his funeral they lowered the casket....

Then raised it, turned it around, and lowered it again.

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When I found out who invented the sex dolls

I definitely did nazi that coming.

In china, they invented a machine that can capture thieves

They tested out the machine in china for a week and they caught 2 thieves. The following week the russians decided to test this machine in Moscow, they caught 10 thieves. Seeing the machine's success, the Mexican government wanted to try this in the City of Mexico, they caught 400 thieves. Then the ...

I learned that the vasectomy was invented by the Ancient Greek physician Euclipides.

Euclipides nuts.

A reporter goes to see an inventor who claims to have invented a machine that can answer any question

The reporter is asked to speak his question into the microphone and the machine will answer it with 100% accuracy.

Sceptical but curious the reporter starts easy, "Where is my mother?"

The machine bleeps and buzzes and then announces "Your mother is at her book club, they have just rev...

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What did Dr. Watson name the product he invented to successfully cure his partner’s chronic diarrhea?

No shit Sherlock

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After twenty years of marriage, a guy suggests to his wife that they should invent a little code for when she wants sex so he doesn't have to read her mind at bedtime.

Laying in bed one night he says "So, if you want sex, pull my dick once. If you don't want sex pull, my dick hundred and ninety-eight times."

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Ever wonder how yodeling was invented?

Long ago, a mountain climber was walking through a valley on his way to a nearby mountain he had his eye on climbing. As he grew near his destination he saw a little farmhouse with a little barn with a farmer outside tending to his animals. The climber approached the farmer and asked if he could spe...

How do you know the toothbrush was invented in Kentucky?

If it was invented anywhere else they would have called it a "teethbrush"

The man who invented Velcro died

RIP

Before the crowbar was invented...

Most crows drank at home

My mate has invented an invisible vehicle (OC)

I asked him 'What, like a car?'

'Not really' he replied 'It's more van-ish than that'

My friend announced that he had invented a sport exclusively for animals with large, colourful beaks

I responded, “toucan play that game!”

Did you know Ronnie Pickering invented the giraffe?

He got into an argument with a horse and uppercutted it

The man who invented knock-knock jokes

should get a no bell prize.

The person who invented autocorrect walks into a barn.

He orders a bear.

In the distant future scientists invent a special time machine

It can send messages back to the past, as a dream to a single person.

Because of all the problems Covid-19 caused, they decided to try and warn the world before hand. So a dream message was sent back to the year 2017: "Covid is fatal will arrive in fall 2019. Covid is fatal will arrive in fal...

Where was the wheel invented?

In Tyre

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When cybernetics are invented I want to replace my penis with a revolver

I could finally say I have a magnum dong

You know why the 2 piece bathing suit was invented?

To separate the dairy section from meat section...

Out of all the inventions in the last 100 years

The dry erase board is probably the most remarkable

Do you know what was said about the shovel when it was invented?

Now that's groundbreaking idea!

The man who invented the remote control has died age 96.

He was found down the back of the sofa.

TIL that the toilet seat was invented by the polish people and only after 5 years the American perfected it by adding the hole in the middle.

A rough translation of a jk my dad told me

Who invented the Grandfather clock?

Pendulum Franklin.

Before guns were invented

armies had to throw bullets at each other and if a bullet touched you, you had to sit this one out until the next war

How did Thomas Edison invent the lightbulb?

He got a bright idea.

Which knight invented King Arthur’s Round Table?

Sir Cumference.

To the person who invented the drawers

I don't know how you pulled this one out.

I met the man who invented the part of a map that explains what each symbol means.

What a legend.

Whoever invented the knock knock joke should get an award.

Like no bell prize.

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An old Greek man and an old Italian man are arguing. The Greek man says "Look, all I'm saying is that the Greeks invented everything the Romans get credit for!"

The Italian says "Yes, may be, but the Romans improved it and made it useful!"

The Greek man says "We invented the Democracy!"

The Italian says "We realized the challenge of direct elections and the benefit of the legislature, and thus created the Republic!"

The Greek man says "...

I've invented a new opiod, which I've called Jesus.

All the churches near me are telling kids not to take the Lord's name in vein.

When Thomas Edison invented the light bulb he threw a huge party, everyone was invited

it was well lit

On my weekends I've been inventing a machine that can distribute herbs and spices to any place at my dining table.

It's not much, but it passes the thyme.

Alexander Graham Bell is always given a huge amount of praise for inventing the first telephone

The credit should really go to whomever invented the SECOND telephone.

Chess was invented in Australia

Why else would they say Checkmate?

I was about to invent a circular sword.

But then I thought, what's the point.

The man who invented the double entendre died last week.

His wife's taking it hard.

The Welsh invented the condom using sheep's guts

But the English improved upon the idea by taking them out of the sheep

One day Doofenschmirtz kept delaying building his invention

He was a bit of a ProcrastINATOR

No matter how improbable, there's a parallel universe with anything you can think of. Even one where the Irish invented rap.

It's how the universe achieves Homie O'Stasis

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When carriages were first invented they had the donkey constantly backing up so they could maintain eye contact with the driver and remain calm.

Soon afterwards however they realized that the idea was completely ass backwards.

I read that the Welsh invented the condom in the Middle Ages by using a piece of sheep’s intestine.

The English later improved the design by taking it out of the sheep first.

Of all modern inventions the whiteboard is....

the most remarkable.

What was a more important invention than the first telephone?

The second one.

In the beginning, God asked Adam to name the animals, so he began to invent names, “Lion, Tiger, Horse, Cow, Pig...” Then God said, “You must name the sea animals too.” Adam was exhausted, but he knew how important this was, so he continued...

“Sea lion, Tiger shark, Sea horse, Sea cow, Sea pig…”

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The man who invented autocorrect has died.

May he roast in piss.

Just invented a thought controlled air-freshener.

It makes scents, if you think about it.

An eccentric dutch inventor whom invented inflatable shoes has died.

A member of the family said it was only a matter of time until he popped his clogs.

They have invented an invisible aeroplane...

Though I just can’t see it taking off.

Archimedes wasn't just known for inventing his many inventions. He's also considered to have invented the first insult when talking to his brother who was a cheese maker after discovering a early form of lindburger cheese....

He simply stated, You reeka!

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The Japanese invented a thief catching robot.

After running successful lab trials they decided to test it. After deploying in Tokyo the robot caught 35 thieves in 24 hours.

The news Broke out.


Much Impressed, the Brits ordered the robot for themselves. After deploying in London the robot busted 65 thieves under 8 hours.
...

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A man invents a device that makes food come to life

He's been working on this project for years, his family, those he trusted enough to tell, never believed in him. "Now they'll see" he thought. His device was ready and he got out a small piece of ham from the refrigerator and placed it into the containment chamber. He crossed his fingers and pushed ...

I invented wingless aeroplanes

Unfortunately, the idea never took off

Why did god invent whiskey?

So the Irish wouldn't rule the world

Scientists invent a new machine to ease the pain during childbirth

The machine transfers the pain a woman feels during labor to the father of the baby, at any percentage rate between 0 and 100%.

The first couple to test it is very excited, they connect the machine to the soon-to-be-mother and warn the husbands about the consequences. "Men are not used to fee...

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Navy sailors has been credited with inventing sex.

The Marines are responsible for introducing it to women.

Why did Oppenheimer invent the atomic bomb?

Because he wanted the world to lighten up.

There's been talks saying the Egyptians invented cement...

Historians have looked in the ruins for evidence but there's nothing concrete

In the 60s, the Russians and the Americans were competing for the best space program

They both were determined to prove they had the greatest minds, the greatest technology. In one example, the Americans spent almost a million USD just to invent a no-gravity pen. They put their best minds to work, and came up with putting a small CO2 pressure cartridge into the back of the ink tub...

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An american, a german and an argentinian are sitting in a room.

The american, to assert dominance, out of nowhere says, "My country created the best space rocket, that got us to the moon first. That makes me better than you."

The german exclaims, "Ja, I clean my ass with your rockets." And he follows, "My country created tanks, an unbeatable force in bat...

Did you hear about the guy who invented base jumping?

It was the highpoint of his career. It was all downhill after.

They fired the guy who invented the wheel...

He was cutting too many corners.

I've got a meeting with the guy that invented the progress bar during the era of dialup internet. He's going to be here in 2 hours and 13 minutes.

Edit: Apparently he's stuck in traffic and he's going to be here in 6 hours 54 minutes.

Edit2: He's making better progress than thought, he will be here in 12 minutes.

Edit3: Apparently it will now take him 5 days

Give a man a fish and he eats for a day.

Teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot

Before the drawing board was invented ...

... what did people go back to?

Do you think God invented parachutes?

I don't know but they sure are a blessing in these skies

guy who's about to invent croutons

*[eating salad]:* I wish this hurt

I tried to invent the first watch that was located on your belt buckle

It was a waist of time

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Before the invention of lube, Greeks used olive oil to have anal sex.

I guess you might say the people of ancient Greece loved that ancient grease.

I hear the guy who invented hand sanitiser is doing well thanks to the coronavirus

I bet he's rubbing his hands together at the thought

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Ancient Greeks invented sex

And Romans made it fun by adding women into it.....

Until the British came...eh...arrived.

What did people say when the inventor of the Dry Erase Board showed off his new invention.

That's Remarkable!

Terrible joke, came to me on the toilet early, but I had to say it. And it's also likely be told in some form before.

Why did Alexander Fleming had to invent the penicillin?

Because Alexander was phlegming!

(Eh. I. tried.)

A Scientist, Inventor, and Engineer

A Scientist, Inventor, and Engineer are tasked with solving a major world problem. The Scientist does the research and makes a discovery that the Inventor then uses to invent the thing that will solve the problem. The engineer refines the invention until it is ready for operation. Their solution is ...

Scientists just invented a new pill that prevents dehydration

All you have to do is take it twice a day with a glass of water

My new invention

I invented a new golf ball that’ll automatically go in the hole if it gets within four inches...

Whatever you do, do NOT carry them in your back pocket...

How did the man who invented the bed of stone die?

In a pillow fight

they call me JOHNNY TWO GUNS

a nickname I invented as a clever ploy

>!to hide my THIRD GUN!<

Did you know autocorrect was invented by an atheist?

He's going to he'll

Did you hear about the man who invented a device to see through walls?

He called it a window

I just invented a mathematical equation to solve climate change!

It’s an Al Gore ithm.

Which famous Arab invented potato chips?

Sultan Vinegar

Why did the invention of the dry erase board amaze the world?

Because it was re-markable

Scientists have invented a bomb that explodes when the temperature hits absolute zero

It's called the "0K Boomer".

The man who invented auto-correct has died.

His funfair is on sundial at moon

I invented a utility belt that holds one type of spice.

Everyone told me it was a waist of thyme.

COVID-19 is like Pasta

Asians invented it, Italians spread it.

The semicolon was invented because the colon was lonely...

It just wanted a little comma-raderie.

I often wonder what my parents did to fill their time before the internet was invented...

...I've asked my 17 brothers and sisters and they don't know either...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear they're finally making a documentary about the invention of the wristwatch?

It's about time.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man invented a cookie

A man involved a cookie that tasted like pussy. He took the cookie to his buddy to get him to try it. The friend took one bite of it, and spit it out.

The friend yelled, "this cookie tastes like shit." The man calmly says, "then flip it over."

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