Take It Easy Jokes - 31 Hilarious Take It Easy Jokes

My first attempt at writing a joke, please take it easy on me.

A man walks into a candy shop, as he is perusing around the shop he notices the shopkeep waving him over to the counter. Not sure what he is really looking for he makes his way over to the counter to see if the shopkeep can be of any assistance.

Man: I'm not quite sure what I'm looking for, n...

The internet should take it easy on Maegan Hall

She’s been roasted enough

Take it easy

A wife comes home unexpectedly one day and finds her husband in bed with a lady dwarf. Upset and furious over his actions, the woman screams, "You promised me two weeks ago that you would never cheat on me again!"

Trying his best to calm her down, the husband turns to his wife and says, "Take...

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Take it easy on the anti-semetic jokes.

Take it easy on the jew jokes please. My grandfather died in a concentration camp during WW2.

Apparently he fell off a guard tower during shift change.

A wife is frying eggs for her husband in the morning

Suddenly the husband appears behind the wife's back and says:

"Careful, CAREFUL, put more fat in the pan! You're frying too many at a time. TOO MANY! Flip them! FLIP THEM! Come on!
Put more fat in there. Oh dear lord. How are you gonna make space for the fat now, look, they're sticking to ...

A husband calls the Sheriff's office to report his wife missing.

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home!

Sheriff: Height?

Husband: I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sheriff: Weight?

Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sheriff: Color of eyes?

Husband: Sort ...

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A joke in memoriam to Norm MacDonald. Please tell it and make it as unfunny as possible before you hit the punchline.

So, a priest, a rabbi, and a nun walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says, "sorry, we don't serve jokes here." They all nod and walk out and the bartender keeps cleaning glasses.

A man carrying a frog and a tiny piano walks into the bar and the bartender looks up, sees them, ...

A Couple Of Hunters.

A couple of hunter are out in the woods, when one of them falls to the ground. His eyes are rolled back into his sockets, and he doesn't seem to be breathing.

The other hunter whips out his mobile, and calls the emergency services.

"My friend is dead! What do i do?", he gasps to the ...

A husband comes home and says to his wife "I just bought condoms with taste. Let's turn off the light, and then you can guess what flavor it is." So they turned off the lights and...

The wife asks: "Is it cheese and tuna flavor?"

The Husband says: "Take it easy, let me put it on first"

A doctor is going around doing house calls with his new postdoc assistant.

Before entering the first house, he tells him: "I'm sure you think you learned everything you needed to know about the job, but you'll have to learn how to observe the patients and their habits if you want to diagnose them properly."

They go to the first patient, a bed-ridden woman. The docto...

A old woman visits a doctor after a falling down the stairs, injuring her hip.

Doctor: “you took quite a tumble, you are going to need to take it easy and definitely avoid stairs for several weeks while you heal.”

Woman: “I suppose I could sleep downstairs, but what if I realize I need something and it is upstairs?”

Doctor: “Do you have a neighbor you could ask ...

My Proctologist has a back injury...

But he came to work to give me my exam anyway. Great guy. He sounds like he's in pain. I said, "Take it easy doc, you don't want to hurt yourself." He said, "I'm fine, just let me put my hands on your shoulders."

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Three men die and go to heaven

The angel ushering them in welcomes them and tells them they can do what they want, but they will be punished if they swear or curse.

One of the men decides to go see the sights of Heaven, traveling an idyllic mountain path, he sees a waterfall more beautiful than anything he's seen on Earth,...

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The Godfather’s relaxing at his social club...

...with his crew. The usual gaggle of young Turks waits in the wings, hoping to get noticed, hoping to move up.

The Godfather calls one of them over.

“Jimmy, I hear good things about you. They tell me you’re serious, that you can be trusted.”

Jimmy swells with pride.

“I ...

A man walks into a bar and orders 8 shots of vodka

The bartender lines up the shot glasses and starts pouring them out, and as soon as one's filled the man slams it down.

"Woah take it easy there buddy, we're open all night", says the bartender

"You'd be drinking like this too if you had what I've got"

"Ah I'm sorry to hear that...

I don't think my GF is what Tom Petty would call and American Girl

She doesn't take it easy, and unfortunately, doesn't make me last all night.

You guys see that new hairy guy who started last week?? Moving slow, bad temper, and you can't understand a word he's saying..

C'mon guys, take it easy on him.. He'll get it soon enough, he's still just a Wookie..

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A construction worker on the fifth floor of a building realizes he needs a saw

He looks around him, none. He looks 5 floors down, sees a man looking up at him. He's screaming but the guy can't hear him cause of all the noise around. So he decides to use sign language.

He points to his eye meaning 'I', then he points to his knee, meaning 'need', then he makes a saw moti...

Three guys are sitting in a bar

The first guy says, "Hey, you two wanna hear a Polack joke?". The bartender says "Hey, take it easy, I'm Polish". The first guy says "That's ok, I'll tell it slow"

In this house we say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ to Alexa.

We're hoping she’ll take it easy on us when Skynet goes active.

Two sperm were traveling side by side when one of them yells "Oh yeah! We're off to make a baby!"

The other sperm says "Take it easy man, it's a long trip. We only just passed the tonsils."

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colonoscopies

A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by
his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their
colonoscopies:

1. Take it easy Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before.

2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

3....

A barista, a viking, and a veterinarian are getting dinner together.

The topic of vacation comes up and the barista says, "I don't have a lot saved up, so I think I'm going to stick around town this year and just take it easy."

The viking chimes in, "I'm going to take my ship out with my mates and raid the lands to the south." The other two look a bit shocked....

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A Traffic Cop pulls over a speeding vehicle:

A Traffic Cop pulls over a speeding vehicle:
“Name please.”
“Erm, it’s Johnny Wankenbrake.”
“Wanking-Break?”
“Yeah.”
“Ok, Address?”
“Well, my address is my work: Filthy Fingers Films on the Industrial Estate.”
“Right, look buddy, I’m not putting that in a report, take it easy - ...

Two chemists walk into a bar

The bartender asks "What shall I get you two tonight"

The first chemist says "I'll take it easy tonight, just give me H2O"

The second chemist says "I'll have some H2O as well"

The first chemist is then filled with anger as the joke he heard gave him false hope in his assassinati...

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A dog and a rabbit are in a bar having a few drinks when a drunk decides that he doesn't like their kind patronizing his establishment.

He goes over and voices his displeasure with them being in HIS bar.
Now now take it easy slim, says the rabbit ,if you can solve this riddle we will buy you all the drinks you can have for the night. Well he thinks about it for a minute and thinks, why not. Ok then but if you get it wrong my dog...

I don't know why they have to Italian, but ... (longish)

A young Italian bride is to spend her wedding night at her mother’s house. The bride and groom retire to the bedroom, where the groom starts disrobing. He takes off his shirt, to reveal a hairy, muscly chest, and the bride rushes next door to tell her mama, “Mama, he got a large hairy chest!”. To wh...

Two priests, Fathers Mike and Dave, are playing golf

Mike had been having an awesome day, while Dave, on the other hand, had not. Every time he teed off he'd slice the ball and shout "Dangit! I missed! Dangit dangit dangit!" along with other profanities not fit for a priest.

Mike, being level-headed, advised Dave that he needed to calm down, it...

A man breaks his foot and goes to the doctor...

The doctor put a cast on the foot and told the man to take it easy. The man asked the doctor, "Will I be able to play violin?"
Confused, the doctor replied, "Yes, you should be able to play the violin."

The man said, "Neat! I've never been able to play it before!"

Man walks into a bar

"2 whisky, 1 pint and 3 brandy"

Drinks all and takes the bottle of whisky and continues to fill and drink.

Barman " WOAHHH Slow down pal take it easy, what's the problem?"

Man " I only have £1.60"

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At a bar out in Arizona, some guys from the city were having a few beers

when an old, grizzled cowboy rode in on a horse. This guy was classic. Looked like Sam Elliot as he tied up the horse and came in, sat down at the bar and said, "I'll have a whiskey."

The city guys at the table were laughing at the old cowboy, one of them asked, "Is that your horse, or your g...

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