UPJOKE
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Nowadays kids have it so easy. When I was their age, I had nothing but $3 in my pocket. So, what did I do?

I bought a house, started a family, and put the remaining 75 cents into a savings account for emergencies.

English is so easy to learn...

You just need to remember that read and lead rhyme and read and lead rhyme, but read and lead don’t rhyme and neither do read and lead.

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My son asked, "Dad, every time I talk to girls, I get butterflies in my stomach! What should I do?!" I gently put my arm around him and replied, "That's easy son..."

"Stop eating caterpillars!"

Two easy steps to become a millionaire

1: Be a billionaire

2: Set up businesses in Russia

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German language is easy.

The German language is relatively easy. Those who can speak Latin and are used to declinations, normally learn it very rapidly. At least that is what German teachers say in their first class. They start learning: der, die, das, des, dem, den and the rest just comes naturally. It's amazingly easy! If...

Using Homeopathy is really easy

There's literally nothing to it.

At school, Little Johnny’s classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it’s very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth.”

Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. Johnny’s mother greets him at home, and he tells her, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.”
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I kn...

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A Dirty Joke from the 14th Century

The joke comes to us from Jean de Conde of Hainaut, born 1275:

A game of truth-telling is being played at court by a Queen and her retinue. A knight is asked by the Queen if he has fathered any children; he is forced to admit that he has not.

The Queen nods in assent, saying "you do no...

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Why is it so easy to stay thin in Japan?

easy, last time there was a fat man in Japan a whole city disappeared

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A wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two women along the roadside eating grass.

A wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two women along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one women, "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor women replied. "We have to eat gras...

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life of a dick aint easy.

I got a head I can't think with.
An eye I can't see out of.
My best friends a pussy.
My closest neighbors an asshole
And everytime I get excited I throw up.

There are some Russian soldiers marching

They hear a voice shout from over a hill,

“I bet one Ukrainian can beat ten Russians!”

The Russian sergeant, thinking that it would be easy, sent ten men over the hill to fight. They heard a fighting and noise. No Russian soldiers came back. After a minute they heard the voice again,...

Turns out geometry is actually easy...

This is shaping up to be a better school year than I thought it would be

I used to rip off famous comedians' jokes to post on Reddit for easy karma.

I still do, but I used to, too.

Wrecking a car is so easy. How easy you may ask?

I can do it with my eyes closed.

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A girl was a prostitute, but she didn’t want her grandma to know.

One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel and the girl was among them.

The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway when suddenly, the girl’s grandma came by and saw her granddaughter.

Grandma asked, “Why ar...

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For extra cash consider robbing sex offenders.

Their address is easy to find, and they can't own guns.

Only downside is politicians usually have good security.

A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and ...

It’s pretty easy to stop women from eating tide pods

But it’s a bit harder to deter gents

Five friends were so confident about passing the finals that on the weekend, they decided to go for a picnic. They had a great time.

However, after all the partying, they spent all Sunday sleeping and didn't make it back to college until early Monday morning.

Rather than taking the finals then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him, why they missed it.

They said that they had gone ...

I used to review strip clips. I know it sounds like an easy job

but I worked hard.

An old drunk is on his way into a bar when a nun standing outside the bar suddenly speaks to him

“Your drinking is the easy road to evil and damnation. Drink will pollute your body and soul. Give up the foul spirits and live a better life!”.

The drunk looks at her and asks “How do you know that drinking is so bad for you?”.

The nun looks puzzled and shrugs. The drunk says “Have yo...

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I asked a Chinese girl for her number.

She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free Sex Tonight!". I said, "Wow, you're easy". Then her friend said, "she means 666-3629".

There’s no easy way to say this…

Worcestershire

Donald Trump is in Berlin for his first state visit with Angela Merkel. Trump quickly asks what the secret of her great success is.

Merkel tells him you just have to have a lot of intelligent people around you.

"How do you know so quickly if someone is intelligent?" asks Trump.

"Let me demonstrate." She picks up the phone, calls Wolfgang Schäuble and asks him a question, "Mr. Schäuble, it's your father's son, but i...

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A man walks into a bar...



He goes up to the bartender and asks him if he likes to gamble.He goes up to the bartender and asks him if he likes to gamble.

The bartender says, "Sure, I'll take a bet. What's your action?"

The man offers a $50 bet that he can bite his own eyeball. The bartender, thinking it'...

Why is NNN so easy for us?

We're here on Reddit...we're not getting any action anyway.

Three friends, a turtle, a mole and a bear are drafted and have to join the army.

But neither of them want to go, so they need to provide medical proof why they can’t join.

“It’s easy for me”, says the turtle “I am slow.”He enters the examination room and when he comes out, he happily tells his friend that he is in fact too slow.

“Well”, says the mole next, “I am ...

An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are asked to design a fence.

The fence is required to contain as much land as possible for the least amount of fence material.

The engineer says "easy, just make a circular fence"

The physicist says, "wait a second! If you build the fence across the equator you'll have an even higher area/fence ratio!"

The ...

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It's easy to see how you get Joe from Joseph, and Tim from Timothy, but how do you get Dick from Richard?

Simple, ask him nicely.

What's a quick and easy way to turn a sofa into a bed?

Forget your other halfs birthday

Quitting nicotine is easy.

I've quit 5 times already.

Why is it easy to tell jokes in a prison?

You have a captive audience.

Robin said to Batman...

"Batman, why do you wear dark colors?"

"Easy Robin, it makes me less likely to be shot"

"Then why do I wear bright colors?"

"It also makes me less likely to be shot."

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A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.




The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and e...

Why are Chinese noodles so easy to love?

Because they are 'Lo Mein-tenance'!

Russian Roulette is pretty easy

Just ask anyone who’s played, they all say they won

I feel like some celebrities are missing out on easy opportunities.

I mean, why has Elon Musk not come out with a fragrance?

Lol plague inc easy mode is so unrealistic

Like who wouldn’t wash their hands and wear a mask during a global pandemic.

Why are colds bad criminals?

Because they’re easy to catch.

I always find the plots of Stephen King novels easy to follow.

There’s always a Maine character.

Good book is like a good puppy

A good book is like a good puppy, easy to pick up but hard to put down

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A guy finally gets a date with an easy blonde...

To prepare for the date he sunbathes in the nude on his roof, falls asleep and burns his manhood. He doesn't want to cancel so he slathers it with lotion and wraps it in gauze. The blonde shows up at his house and he treats her to a home-cooked dinner. Afterwards they go to the living room to watch ...

One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference.

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:

"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"

The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give...

You should go easy on Cuomo

He had his hands full

Can we mix up the "yo momma" jokes on this sub? They're easy, fun, and don't get done enough.

Just like yo sista.

An older man is at a routine doctors appointment

Everything checks out, and he appears to be in good health.

At the end of the appointment, the doctor asks him if “he had any questions?”

The old man replies “no, I’m okay, but I am concerned about my wife; I don’t think her hearing is what it used to be.”

“That happens with ag...

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In math class. The teacher asks the class a question."How do you give 6 people an equal share of 9 potatoes?"...

Little Boris raises his hand, the teacher calls on him. "Easy. You make mashed potatoes." He answers.

It was easy for me to learn braille

Once I got a feel for it.

They said this new programming language was so easy even a mafia enforcer can learn it in a month.

I thought mafiosi was just a random example but then I saw the way it combines the operators "or" and "else".

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A man goes to a Doctor's Office about his penis

A man walks gingerly into the office where he is met by a nurse with whom he speaks to

"Err, nurse? Excuse me, this isn't easy for me to say, but you have to promise you won't laugh"

"Well, sir, on my honour as a nurse and a lady, in my 20 years in this profession, I haven't once laugh...

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My grandad sent me this

Enjoy the fun & the pun.



Q: Can February March?

A: No. But April May!



Q: Did you hear about the painter who was hospitalised?

A: Reports say it was due to too many strokes!



Q: Have you heard the joke about the butter?

A: I better ...

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NSFW A cucumber a pickle and a penis are chatting

About how hard life is.

The cucumber says you both got it easy they chop me up and put me in salads.

The pickle pipes up and says no way, my life is way harder I was once big and strong like you cucumber, but I've been drowned in a jar of vinigar until I shrivel up and become this mo...

Happy anniversary

On their anniversary night, the husband sat his wife sat down in the den with her favorite magazine, turned on the soft reading lamp, slipped off her shoes, patted and propped her feet and announced that he was preparing dinner all by himself.

"How romantic!" she thought.

Two-and-a-hal...

How easy is it to tell a joke 1 year after joining Reddit?

A piece of cake.

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So a Russian soldiers goes to a fortune-teller in a captured city...

The fortune teller asks him what he'd like to know about. He thinks for a moment, and says:

—Can you tell me, on which day will Putin die?
—Of course! *shuffles cards* I can see it... *lays cards on the table* I can see it quite clearly... Putin will die on a major Ukrainian holiday. ...

Being rich is not easy

Yesterday I donated my phone and wallet to a poor guy. You can't imagine the happiness that I felt as I saw him putting the gun back in his pocket. KINDNESS IS EVERYTHING!

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Long story

So there’s this guy “Big johnny” we would call him, who lives in a small town has a reputation for having a big dick. One woman slept with him and told everyone she knew that it was big. After that got out he was getting swarmed with woman in town trying to go for a ride.

Big Johnny said to m...

An elephant drinking from a stream spots a tortoise lounging on the shore.

He grabs it with his trunk and flings it into the jungle. A passing zebra asks, "Why did you do that?" ...... "Forty years ago that very tortoise nipped my tail just for fun," the elephant said. "Wow" says the Zebra, "forty years ago! How did you remember that?" "That's easy" said the elephant. "...

My first attempt at writing a joke, please take it easy on me.

A man walks into a candy shop, as he is perusing around the shop he notices the shopkeep waving him over to the counter. Not sure what he is really looking for he makes his way over to the counter to see if the shopkeep can be of any assistance.

Man: I'm not quite sure what I'm looking for, n...

It’s easy to tell if someone is an organ donor.

It’s a dead giveaway.

3 men went to heaven.

God told them, "You can do anything that you want, but there is one rule: don't step on ducks."

The men thought this would be easy, but when they got to heaven, there were ducks absolutely everywhere.

The first man stepped on a duck, and for his punishment, they chained him to the ugli...

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An officer sees a man leave the bar at closing time and walk in a drunken fashion, trying to enter each car parked there.

The officer thinks to himself I have got an easy catch. Meanwhile while this is going in, the other patrons enter their own cars and drive off.

When the drunken man finally climbs in his own car and pulls out, the cop is waiting for him and gives a breath analyser test.

To his surprise...

Why is it so easy to get a job as a percussion instructor?

You just have to answer a few cymbal questions.

Mix up

An old man suddenly arrived in Hell in a burst of flames, looking lost and confused
The Devil looked at his paperwork, and frowned. He was unable to find this old man’s data file.

“This can’t be right,” the old man grumbled, looking at the Devil, “I’ve been a good man all my life.”
...

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Had sex with twins last night, my friend asked how i could tell them apart, "easy" i said..

.."the brother had a moustache"

First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy

**First night as a vampire hunter:** oh no

I don't get what all the fuss is about. Giving up smoking is so easy!

I've done it hundreds of times.

Why is weighing snakes so easy?

Because they come with their own scales.

There's an easy trick you can use to calculate your IQ

It's 150 minus the number of rolls of toilet paper you have at home.

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Three guys get lost in a jungle

There were three men who were lost in the forest. They were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass the trial. The first step of the trial was to go into the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways...

It ain’t always easy having erectile dysfunction

but it sure as hell ain’t hard

Want to know an easy way to become a Millionaire?

Be a Billionaire and start day-trading

Ray has just reached his 110th birthday. A reporter comes to his birthday party and says, “Excuse me, sir, but how did you come to be so old?” Ray replies, “It’s easy. The secret is never to argue with anyone.”

The reporter is not impressed. “That’s insane!” he says. “It has to be something else – diet, meditation, or ‘something.’ Just not arguing won’t keep you alive for 110 years!” Ray looks at the reporter and says, “Y’know, maybe you’re right.”

If professionals make difficult tasks look easy, what do you call someone who makes easy tasks look difficult?

A coworker

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How easy is it to join the piss kink club?

Just show up and urine

From my 5 year old last night. I thought it was funny....but i'm easy. Why didn't the Teddybear finish his dinner?

Because he was stuffed!

Facebook responds to question about how they set the record for greatest single day loss in history:

“It’s quick and easy”

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An Australian Army Recruit sends home a letter . . .

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin’ on the farm - tell them to get in quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don’t hafta get outta bed until 6am. Bu...

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An Italian wants a job [read in an accent]

An Italian workman wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test. Here's your first question,' the foreman said. 'Without using numbers, represent the number 9.'

'Withouta numbers?' the Italian says, 'Datsa easy.' and he proceeds to draw three trees.

'W...

Donald Trump is like a marshmallow...

He's easy to roast, a little orange on top, catches fire easily, and will melt down when he gets under too much heat.

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A wood expert.

A drunk man in a bar began bragging that he could identify any type of wood by its smell only.

The bartender and patrons decided to test him. The man was blindfolded and presented with several pieces of wood.

First they put a pencil infront of his nose. He smelled it and said, "That's...

What is something you say when something is too easy (like getting karma once a year?)

Piece of cake!

A new guy starts working at the mental asylum

A new guy starts working at the local mental asylum.

After giving him some general advice, the director tells him to ask any questions that he may have.

"Yes, director, I have one. How do we know if a patient is cured and ready to leave the asylum?"

"Well," says the director, "o...

Giving your cat a bath.

We all know that cats are generally not into taking a bath outside of their own tongue so below is a guide to use.



1. Open the lid and seat of the toilet and add some soap to the bowl.
2. Get the cat and drop them inside and quickly close the lid.
3. You will hear some howling a...

Scouts are an easy-going bunch.

But they can be in tents

Plum trees are so easy to take care of.

I don't do anything and once a year it prunes itself.

Cutting down a tree with a block of cheese is easy.

You just gotta make sure it's extra sharp.

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You kids have it easy with your convenient music streaming services and your smartphones. When we were teenagers, if we wanted to listen to an album by our favourite Australian alt rockers, we had to download it from Napster and put it on a CD ourselves.

We were burning the Midnight Oil.

I decided to try writing some erotica. At first it was really easy.

And then it got hard.

Making a deep dish pizza is surprisingly super easy!

It's a pizza cake!

Two guys in an insane asylum are up for parole

The first guy goes into see the commitee, and they ask him some questions.

C: "Who discovered America?"

IG1: "Christopher Columbus."

C: "How long ago was that?"

IG1: "Around three hundred years..."

C: "Do aliens exist?"

IG1: "It's possible, but there's no pr...

Jennifer and the Fortune teller.

During a recent outing, Jennifer snuck off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered the grave news. "There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a viole...

My friend is making a lot of easy money by selling pictures of salmon dressed in human clothes.

It’s like shooting fish in apparel.

There once was an Irishman that wanted to immigrate to America

His name was Tom Dunn. He lived in Ireland his whole life, but wanted to see what better opportunities America had to offer him.

He decided to make the trip, promising his mother he will write to her every day and that she should come visit him when he is all squared away. “I’ll be the Presid...

A Blonde decides she want to join the police...

She goes down to her local station & starts applies to join.


The Sergeant calls her over & says, 'before you join, I need to ask you a few questions'


1st Question: 'What's 2+2?'


Blonde says: 'that's easy 4'


2nd qstn: 'What the square root o...

Algebra was easy for the Romans.

X was always 10.

How to get laid in five easy steps!

1 - Denial

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A joke in memoriam to Norm MacDonald. Please tell it and make it as unfunny as possible before you hit the punchline.

So, a priest, a rabbi, and a nun walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says, "sorry, we don't serve jokes here." They all nod and walk out and the bartender keeps cleaning glasses.


A man carrying a frog and a tiny piano walks into the bar and the bartender looks up, sees them, ...

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It's going to be easy for Trump to build that wall...

... everyone's shitting bricks everywhere

Two guys are in a bar, discussing life and death.

“Arrr, my grandpa died this week,” says the first guy. “He was in the hospital, and we was trying to get a blood transfusion fer him. The problem was, we weren’t too sure what blood type he was. But you know what? That man kept saying ‘Be positive, be positive’ all throughout the visit. Most optimis...

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My wife and I just discovered an easy way to burn 2000 calories an hour during sex

Note to self: Leave bedroom door open so we can hear the oven timer next time.

Guys, golf is literally so easy....

I’ve played one hole and I’ve got 47 points

NSFW - a friend of mine told me he’s getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin. I asked how he can tell them apart... it’s easy he said

Her brother has a mustache.

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Women should think of the Penis like they should cars. They should be able to get from A to B on a daily basis, as safe and efficiently as possible, be easy to park in the garage without using the mirrors, and come with a load of kids if needed.

That being said, it is also nice to get a big black stretch limo for her birthday to make her feel special.

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Little Johnny is doing his homework, and mom hears him say...

*(me retelling sort of how i remember it)*

...so, little Johnny is doing his homework, and from the next room mom hears him say:

"2+2, son of a bitch is 4!!"

She listens closer,

"3+5, i know that son of a bitch!! son of a bitch is 8!!

She asks Johnny: "who taught y...

You won’t believe how easy it is to predict the future!

All you need to do is to look into a crystal ball, purchasable from my website for only $999!

You don’t believe me?

See? Exactly what I predicted!

Having worn contacts for the past few years, it’s become really easy to put them in.

So easy that I bet I could do it with my eyes closed.

I once asked a scientist "how do you make a hormone?" He took a moment to think, and then replied "that's easy...

... Don't pay her."

Novak Djokovic choked and was knocked out of the Australian Open.

He missed two easy shots.

Why is it so easy to catch the people who raided the capitol?

They are all anti-maskers anyway, so anyone can see their face

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One weekend, a husband is in the bathroom shaving when the local kid Bubba he hired to mow his lawn, comes in to pee.

The husband slyly looks over and is shocked at how immensely endowed Bubba is. He can't help himself, and asks Bubba what his secret is. "Well," says Bubba, "every night before I climb into bed with a girl, I whack my penis on the bedpost three times. It works, and it sure impresses the girls!" The ...

Learning to read Braille with my index finger hasn't been easy so far

In fact, it's been a pretty bumpy ride

They say when you’re young, making friends is easy but finding a date is hard. And it’s reversed when you’re older.

Now that I’m older, I can truly say that they were both hard then and even harder now.

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A manager dies

His wife asks the funeral director in a bitchy tone that her husband will be buried in a blue suit and not the grey one he is currently wearing.

At the day of the funeral her husband wears a blue suit so she thanks the funeral director who replies “oh it was easy. After you talked to me anot...

It's easy to explain why so many national governments are in shambles today. Empires used to be run by emperors. Kingdoms were run by kings.

And now we have countries...

Scaring men is easy

I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is..

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Easy way to search your wife.

A man approached a very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and said,
"I've lost my wife here in the supermarket."
"Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

The woman looked puzzled.
"Why talk to me?" she asked.

"Because every time I talk to a woman with t...

Fastest turtle in the world

A man and his dog walk into a bar, they see another gentleman with a turtle wrapped in bandages. He sits down and asks “what’s the deal with your turtle?”
The gentleman replies “ this is the fastest turtle in the world!”
“Yeah right”
“No really, I’ll bet you 100$ that my turtle can beat yo...

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