UPJOKE
comfortablesoftsimpleeasilyeffortlesscolloquialismlightgentlelooseunhurriedslowlycasualsmoothpainlessslow

A man went skydiving for the first time. "It's easy," said the instructor.

"Just count to five and pull on the main chute," the instructor continued. "If that doesn't open, count to ten and pull on the reserve chute."

"Super easy," he concluded. "Then you'll float slowly to the ground, and our bus will be there to drive you back to the airport."

The man j...

What do you call something that’s easy to get into, but hard to get out of?

Trouble.

Making jokes wearing a bee costume isn't always easy

But they don't understand that sometimes you have to risk it for the bee skit.

It wasn't easy, but me and my wife decided we do not want children

We will be telling them tomorrow.

Edit: They didn't take it that well, they just kept crying when we left them at gas station.

Edit 2: Oh, it's all fine, a group of old men comforted them and brought them to their van for sweets, we left in good faith.

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Why is it so easy to stay thin in Japan?

Because the last time there was a Fat Man in Japan, the whole city disappeared.

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Fishing or Sex?

Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place.

The first guy says:

"You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."

The second g...

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A powerful Emperor advertised for a new Chief Samurai. Only three applied for the job: a Japanese, a Chinese and a Jewish Samurai,

Number One Samurai, "Demonstrate your skills!" commanded the Emperor.

The Japanese samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box, and released a fly. He drew his samurai sword and "swish"; the fly fell to the floor, neatly divided in two!

"What a feat!" said the Emperor. "Number Two Sam...

How do you identify a female? Easy. They're the only ones that hurt you.

Male mosquitoes on the other hand are basically harmless

100 is a nice round number

The European is visiting the United States for the first time: So how many cents in a dollar?

The American: 100, of course

The European: 100? Why not 62, or 37?

The American: 62? What are you talking about? It's 100. Of course, it is. It's a nice round number and easy to calcula...

I took a class recently on the history of food preservation.

In the early days, metal containers were the cheapest and easiest to make, so almost all food was stored in cans. Tin was a particularly soft and easy to mold/shape, and didn’t rust like other options, so most preserved food cans were made of tin.

Things went great for a while, with some food...

I don’t know why so many people complain about quitting smoking. It’s super easy to do.

I’ve done it 11 times.

How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Usually one. Lightbulbs are relatively easy to screw in, although depending on the position/location of said light it may require a stepladder or some sort of object to stand on to elevate yourself. Always be careful when installing electronics, make sure the light switch is OFF before going near it

It is not easy to come up with jokes about undelivered letters.

People just don’t get them.

English is so easy to learn...

You just need to remember that read and lead rhyme and read and lead rhyme, but read and lead don’t rhyme and neither do read and lead.

My friend told me that on average, it is very easy to find a friend like me.

I told him he's being mean.

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My son asked, "Dad, every time I talk to girls, I get butterflies in my stomach! What should I do?!" I gently put my arm around him and replied, "That's easy son..."

"Stop eating caterpillars!"

Nowadays kids have it so easy. When I was their age, I had nothing but $3 in my pocket. So, what did I do?

I bought a house, started a family, and put the remaining 75 cents into a savings account for emergencies.

I thought breaking glass would be easy.

Turns out, it's a real pane.

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life is like a penis.

It's easy, it's relaxed and women make it hard

"We're looking for a drug dealer," said the police officer, "and you fit the description we've been given."

I said, "That was easy then. What can I get you fellas?"

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A British spy goes undercover in America and tries to infiltrate the political ranks.

To get into politics, he has to pass an oral exam.


Examiner: When did the USA gain independence?
Spy: July 4, 1776


\- Good. How many continents are there?
\- Easy peasy, seven.
\- Damn, you're good. Which continent is Turkey in?
\- Technically, Turkey...

Two easy steps to become a millionaire

1: Be a billionaire

2: Set up businesses in Russia

A mixup at the gates of hell

The devil was sitting at the gates of hell when an old man suddenly arrived in a burst of flames, looking confused and lost. The Devil looked at his paperwork,

and frowned. He was unable to find this old man’s data file.



“This can’t be right,” the old man said, looking at the D...

Using Homeopathy is really easy

There's literally nothing to it.

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The patient goes to see a doctor: “I am pooping like noodles!”

“Like literally, my poop is shaped like noodles,” the patient says as he sits down in the consulting room.

Doc is dumbfounded. In all his years of training and practice, he hasn’t encountered a symptom like this. He thinks hard and prescribes some antibiotics, hoping they will solve the probl...

A 60 year old billionaire is getting married to a hot 25 year old woman

At the bachelor party, the first thing the billionaire's friends ask him is how he landed such a hot young woman.

"Easy," he said. "I lied about my age."

"Ah, you told her you're 40 or 45?" one friend asked.

"No," he replied. "I told her I'm 85."

Law student

A young Law student, having failed his Law exam, goes up to his crusty old professor, who is renowned for his razor-sharp legal mind.

Student: "Sir, do you really understand everything about this subject?"

Professor: "Actually, I probably do. Otherwise I wouldn't be a professor, would ...

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Grandfather of the year

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved grandson.

He has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits, and all sorts of things.

The grandfather is saying in a controlled voice:

\- "Easy, William, we won't be long".

Anothe...

Take it easy

A wife comes home unexpectedly one day and finds her husband in bed with a lady dwarf. Upset and furious over his actions, the woman screams, "You promised me two weeks ago that you would never cheat on me again!"

Trying his best to calm her down, the husband turns to his wife and says, "Take...

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German language is easy.

The German language is relatively easy. Those who can speak Latin and are used to declinations, normally learn it very rapidly. At least that is what German teachers say in their first class. They start learning: der, die, das, des, dem, den and the rest just comes naturally. It's amazingly easy! If...

My attractive female neighbor is completely paranoid. She thinks I'm following or even stalking her

She is worried that I may be obsessed with her and any time she hears a noise in her house she is...purified? Oh, wait: petrified. Sorry, it's not easy reading a diary through binoculars from a tree.

One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference.

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:
"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"

The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give t...

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3 Men end up marooned on an island

On the island they find a tribe of cannibals. They say they will let the men live if they complete a task. What they must do is go out into the forest and collect 10 of a type of fruit. The first man comes back with 10 apples. They tell the man he must shove all 10 apples up his butt without making ...

Three nuns die in a car crash

They ascend to heaven and are met at the pearly gates by Saint Peter. “Before you can enter Heaven you must each answer a question to prove your piety.”
He turns to the first nun and asks “How many commandments did God give to Moses?” The nun says “Oh, that’s easy, 10!” Ba Bada Bah! The trumpet...

I used to rip off famous comedians' jokes to post on Reddit for easy karma.

I still do, but I used to, too.

Let's discuss spam, spammers, and the spamming spammers who spam.

What did the moderator say to the subscribers?

Nobody knows, because nobody ever reads what moderators write.

------

Yes, it was a bad joke, but at least it wasn't a repost... which is *kind of* what we're here to discuss today:

As many of you are no doubt aware, spammers...

At school, Little Johnny’s classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it’s very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth.”

Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. Johnny’s mother greets him at home, and he tells her, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.”
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I kn...

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There once was a man who loved tractors

I mean he absolutely LOVED them. He had tractor models, tractor wallpaper, remote control miniature tractors, tractor board games, even some tractor porn(which is not easy to find mind you). The only thing that even came close to his love for tractors, was the love he felt for his wife. His high sch...

A blonde at a job application

Interviewer: Okay before we move forward with your application. We're just gonna ask you a few simple questions.

Blonde: Okay no problem fire away!

Interviewer: What's 2+2?

Blonde: Oh that's easy! 4!

Interviewer: Very good! And what's the square root of 100?

Blonde...

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life of a dick aint easy.

I got a head I can't think with.
An eye I can't see out of.
My best friends a pussy.
My closest neighbors an asshole
And everytime I get excited I throw up.

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“My husband just wants to have sex all the time”

Vented the recently married woman to her sister, “it’s every day like clockwork he gets home from work, takes off his clothes at the doorstep and says “I’m home honey let’s hit the sack”. Don’t get my wrong I love him and the sex is good but I need a break I can barely walk””

Then the sister ...

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Three couples are trying to get married.

Three couples are trying to get married at the same church. There is a young couple, a middle-aged couple, and an elderly couple. The three couples meet with the priest and discuss when they can get married.


"If you wish to get married in my church, you must all go one month without havi...

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A Dirty Joke from the 14th Century

The joke comes to us from Jean de Conde of Hainaut, born 1275:

A game of truth-telling is being played at court by a Queen and her retinue. A knight is asked by the Queen if he has fathered any children; he is forced to admit that he has not.

The Queen nods in assent, saying "you do no...

Once apon a time, there was a family of skunks

(Good as a bedtime story for kids)

Once apon a time in a hole on the bank of a river near some woods, lived a family of skunks.

There was mummy skunk and her two babies. And the baby skunks were called In and Out.

One day Out said to Mummy skunk, "Mummy, can In and I go out int...

A wife is frying eggs for her husband in the morning

Suddenly the husband appears behind the wife's back and says:

"Careful, CAREFUL, put more fat in the pan! You're frying too many at a time. TOO MANY! Flip them! FLIP THEM! Come on!
Put more fat in there. Oh dear lord. How are you gonna make space for the fat now, look, they're sticking to ...

It’s pretty easy to stop women from eating tide pods

But it’s a bit harder to deter gents

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Four monks were called by an abbot for a test of purity. They were asked to drop their robes and stand naked.

The abbot brought four small bells and asked the monks to tie them to their penis. Their task was to stand still and not make the bell ring. The task seemed easy until the abbot brought a super hot model into the room. None of the bells rang ,so the abbot asked the super model to do a strip dance. T...

Do you like eggs?

I have them in the morning with my toast.
Sometimes sunny side up, sometimes scrambled, sometimes over easy.
I think they're eggsellent.

A guy walks into a small town bar

A guy walks into his favorite small-town bar and checks out the "Daily Lunch Specials" on the white board. "Alligator is the daily special?" he asks the bartender incredulously. "Where the heck did you learn how to cook alligator?" "Oh, it's easy to make," the bartender assures him. "You just toss i...

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Nick had always wanted to own a motorcycle, which is why he leapt at the chance when a friend of a friend was selling his bike

The bike, despite being old, was in immaculate condition.

"How do you keep it so pristine?" asks Nick.

"Oh, it's easy! Any time it's about to rain, I just coat the body with vaseline, and the rain and mud just slips right off! Here, I'm not going to need it anymore, why don't you take ...

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Three boys

There were three boys who went to school. Ziphanous, Richard and Phenoys. Ziphanous is not an easy name to say so he was nicknamed Zip, Phenoys, was equally as confusing so was known as simply P. Richard didn’t like his name and was called the usual nickname for Richard, Dick.

The boys had a ...

Turns out geometry is actually easy...

This is shaping up to be a better school year than I thought it would be

A man and his wife die in a car accident

The man is greeted by Death. "Choose your game", says Death, "win and you will get a second chance at life, lose and you will die".

As an avid poker player, its an easy choice for the man.

As they begin, the man loses the first few hands.

As the next hand is drawn, the man is st...

There are some Russian soldiers marching

They hear a voice shout from over a hill,

“I bet one Ukrainian can beat ten Russians!”

The Russian sergeant, thinking that it would be easy, sent ten men over the hill to fight. They heard a fighting and noise. No Russian soldiers came back. After a minute they heard the voice again,...

Why does Batman only wear dark colors? Easy. Batman doesn't want to get shot. Why does Robin only wear bright colors?

Easy.


Batman doesn't want to get shot.

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What do fisherman and prostitutes agree on?

Hookin’ ain’t easy

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Three people reach the Pearly Gate at the same time, where they are told a very simple rule right at the beginning: DO NOT STEP ON DOGS! As a punishment, ugliness or stupidity awaits you.

"That should be easy", the three think to themselves, but when they pass the gate, they see that dogs are lying around everywhere.

The first one sees a heavenly hammock in the distance and carefully tries to reach it. But after only a few steps he steps on a small dog. He reaches the hammock ...

Wrecking a car is so easy. How easy you may ask?

I can do it with my eyes closed.

Lol plague inc easy mode is so unrealistic

Like who wouldn’t wash their hands and wear a mask during a global pandemic.

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There’s a circus in town

There’s a new circus in town and during the first show the announcer threw a challenge at the audience:

“This is our new elephant Manny, whoever can make him sit wins 1000 dollars! Anyone want to try?”

A few people put their hands up and tried but no one could accomplish this task, unt...

An amateur birdwatcher and a professional ornithologist are observing the same patch of the forest floor.

There’s a break in the canopy above them, so there are dozens of birds congregated to soak up the sunlight. The scientist is eagerly taking notes and muttering to himself, “28…29…30… there’s 31 distinct species all in this one clearing! It’s amazing!”

The birdwatcher tells him, “No, they’re a...

A lumberjack once told me he’s cut down 27,572 trees.

“How do ya know exactly how many?” I inquired.

“Easy. I keep a log.”

Fast

A guy comes walking into a bar with a turtle in his hand.The turtle's one eye is black and blue, two of his legs are bandaged, and his whole shell is taped together with duct tape.The bartender looks at the guy and asks: What's wrong with your turtle? Not a thing, the man responds, this beat up turt...

Once there was a guy named Bill who wanted a horse.

On Craigslist, Bill saw a Christian horse so he went to check it out.

When Bill got to the ranch, the horse's owner said "It's easy to ride him. Just say 'praise the Lord' to make him go, and 'amen' to make him stop." Bill got on the horse and said "praise the Lord." the horse started to...

It could’ve been worse.

James is walking on a downtown street one day, and he happens to see his old high school friend, Harry, a little ways up ahead. "Harry, Harry, how are you?" he greets his old buddy after getting his attention.
"Not so good," says Harry.
"Why, what happened?" James queries.
"Well," Harry say...

What's a quick and easy way to turn a sofa into a bed?

Forget your other halfs birthday

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A girl was a prostitute, but she didn’t want her grandma to know.

One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel and the girl was among them.

The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway when suddenly, the girl’s grandma came by and saw her granddaughter.

Grandma asked, “Why ar...

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Y'all hear about the guy who had a gorilla stuck up in his tree?

You didn't hear about the guy who had a gorilla stuck up in his tree?

This guy gets up one morning, goes outside to get the newspaper and sees this gorilla stitting up in his tree, and he says, "holy*shit*, there's a gorilla in my tree!" So he goes inside and calls the gorilla catchers.
<...

A multi-millionaire was riding in his SUV when he saw a lady eating grass

A millionaire was riding in his SUV when he saw a lady eating grass in a pasture near the road. Perturbed, he stopped his car and got out to check on her. "Why are you eating grass?" he asked her.

“I am very poor and do not have any money, so I have to eat grass“ the lady replied.

"...

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I went to the doctor, for a personal problem

I walk into the office and say “Every time it rains I get a raging hard on. A few drops of water hit my head and I can’t help it!”

The doctor says “That’s easy to fix. Stop jerking off in the shower.”

My first attempt at writing a joke, please take it easy on me.

A man walks into a candy shop, as he is perusing around the shop he notices the shopkeep waving him over to the counter. Not sure what he is really looking for he makes his way over to the counter to see if the shopkeep can be of any assistance.

Man: I'm not quite sure what I'm looking for, n...

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For extra cash consider robbing sex offenders.

Their address is easy to find, and they can't own guns.

Only downside is politicians usually have good security.

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A proctologist loses his watch:

A proctologist loses his watch, but can't figure out which patient he lost it in. His head nurse tells him to call his recent patients in for a re-examination.

After the 4th patient shows up, the nurse turns to the doctor and says "it's him. He's got your watch."

The proctologist says ...

Quitting nicotine is easy.

I've quit 5 times already.

My Egg died.

He died last fry day. Thank God he wasn't beaten.

Don't worry he went over easy.

He's now on the sunny side.

He's definitely in a better plate...

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visiting grandma...

A grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.

"You come to the front door of the apartments. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside and the elevator is on...

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It's easy to see how you get Joe from Joseph, and Tim from Timothy, but how do you get Dick from Richard?

Simple, ask him nicely.

I used to review strip clips. I know it sounds like an easy job

but I worked hard.

Why is it easy to tell jokes in a prison?

You have a captive audience.

Why are Chinese noodles so easy to love?

Because they are 'Lo Mein-tenance'!

Donald Trump is in Berlin for his first state visit with Angela Merkel. Trump quickly asks what the secret of her great success is.

Merkel tells him you just have to have a lot of intelligent people around you.

"How do you know so quickly if someone is intelligent?" asks Trump.

"Let me demonstrate." She picks up the phone, calls Wolfgang Schäuble and asks him a question, "Mr. Schäuble, it's your father's son, but i...

Russian Roulette is pretty easy

Just ask anyone who’s played, they all say they won

Why is NNN so easy for us?

We're here on Reddit...we're not getting any action anyway.

Can we mix up the "yo momma" jokes on this sub? They're easy, fun, and don't get done enough.

Just like yo sista.

I feel like some celebrities are missing out on easy opportunities.

I mean, why has Elon Musk not come out with a fragrance?

There's an easy trick you can use to calculate your IQ

It's 150 minus the number of rolls of toilet paper you have at home.

How easy is it to tell a joke 1 year after joining Reddit?

A piece of cake.

A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and ...

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Had sex with twins last night, my friend asked how i could tell them apart, "easy" i said..

.."the brother had a moustache"

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A guy finally gets a date with an easy blonde...

To prepare for the date he sunbathes in the nude on his roof, falls asleep and burns his manhood. He doesn't want to cancel so he slathers it with lotion and wraps it in gauze. The blonde shows up at his house and he treats her to a home-cooked dinner. Afterwards they go to the living room to watch ...

Fear

Joe has been seeing a psychoanalyst for four years for treatment of the fear that he had monsters under his bed. It had been years since he had gotten a good night's sleep.
Furthermore, his progress was very poor, and he knew it. So, one day he stops seeing the psychoanalyst and decides to try s...

The eaglets were preparing to leave the nest and fly out into the world when their grandfather happened by.

He perched on the side of the nest to wish them well.

The eaglets asked what grandfather liked to eat most. "That'd have to be salmon, or maybe trout. Oh, one day soon you'll find out!"

A granddaughter asked, "What do you usually eat?"

"Rabbits are always good, and squirrels, y...

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I asked a Chinese girl for her number.

She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free Sex Tonight!". I said, "Wow, you're easy". Then her friend said, "she means 666-3629".

I always find the plots of Stephen King novels easy to follow.

There’s always a Maine character.

It was easy for me to learn braille

Once I got a feel for it.

From my 5 year old last night. I thought it was funny....but i'm easy. Why didn't the Teddybear finish his dinner?

Because he was stuffed!

You should go easy on Cuomo

He had his hands full

It ain’t always easy having erectile dysfunction

but it sure as hell ain’t hard

If professionals make difficult tasks look easy, what do you call someone who makes easy tasks look difficult?

A coworker

I don't get what all the fuss is about. Giving up smoking is so easy!

I've done it hundreds of times.

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