Sleeping is so easy

I can do it with my eyes closed.

It's easy to deter ladies from eating tide pods

It's much more difficult to deter gents.

Why does Batman only wear dark colors? Easy. Batman doesn't want to get shot. Why does Robin only wear bright colors?

Easy.


Batman doesn't want to get shot.

Quitting drugs is easy...

I've done it like a thousand times.

Algebra was easy for the Romans.

X was always 10.

My friend is making a lot of easy money by selling pictures of salmon dressed in human clothes.

It’s like shooting fish in apparel.

Why is reading research on electromagnetic radiation so easy?

Because it’s a pretty light subject.

Classical music jokes are easy to come up with

I could write you a long Liszt

A joke for Halloween: why are vampires so easy to fool?

Because they're suckers.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I hope its not a repost(but probably is nothing is ever new anymore)- I recently joined so go easy on me: Man approaches Woman in a bar.

Man: How many people have you had sex with?

Woman: Hey! That's my personal business!

Man: Oh sorry, I didn't know you make a living out of it.- bye!

Sleeping is so easy

My grandma has been doing it for 20 years!

Doors are really easy to understand

You always get a handle on them

How to get ripped in 4 easy steps:

1. Stand on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.
2. Hold a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you'll find that you can hold this po...

If science were easy...

They would call it your mom.

You say "easy peasy lemon squeezy"

... but I prefer "depressed stressed lemon zest."

:(

It's easy to explain why so many national governments are in shambles today. Empires used to be run by emperors. Kingdoms were run by kings.

And now we have countries...

My first attempt at writing a joke, please take it easy on me.

A man walks into a candy shop, as he is perusing around the shop he notices the shopkeep waving him over to the counter. Not sure what he is really looking for he makes his way over to the counter to see if the shopkeep can be of any assistance.

Man: I'm not quite sure what I'm looking for, n...

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It's easy to get stage fright as a porn star...

People are watching you, seriously hard.

Making holy water is easy.

Just boil the hell out of it.

I just found out how to make easy money with a three step plan.

Step 1. Get a job.
Step 2. Go to your job and do work.
Step 3. Get money.

How to make holy water in two easy steps

1) Take a pan of water and set it on the stove

2) Boil the hell out of it

I heard it’s easy to convince women not to eat Tide Pods…

But a lot harder to deter gents!

Why is it so easy to take off corners these days?

They use new cutting-edge technology

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Masturbation is easy

Choosing a video is tough

Making a dog happy is so easy

It's a walk in the park.

One boy tell the other: "There is an easy way to get what you want"

The other boy said, "How?"

"Tell people you know their secret"

The boy jumps up and runs to his dad, "I know your secret!"

The dad replies, "Please don't tell your mom heres $10"

The boy then runs to his mom, "I know your secret!"

The mom said, "Please don't ...

Did anyone else's parents teach them to swim by throwing them in the lake? I think the swimming was the easy part.

Getting out of that burlap sack was tricky, though.

My buddy questioned, "How do you get so many girls into bed with you?" I laughed, "Easy, I just do what Arnold Schwarzenegger does." Puzzled, he asked, "What, work out all day and look like a Greek God?"

"No, I pull out a shotgun and say, 'Come with me if you want to live'."

It wasn't any easy decision, but against all peer pressure, my wife and I have decided we don't want children.

The kids were crying when we left them at the gas station.

Using the keyboard is so easy, I can do it with my eyes closed!

Said Stevie Wonder

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An Australian Army Recruit sends home a letter . . .

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope you're are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin’ on the farm - tell them to get in quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don’t hafta get outta bed until 6am. B...

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A policeman is training three men, Bob, Don, and Rod, to become detectives.

The policeman flashes an image of a suspect at Bob for five seconds, and then asks him, "This is your suspect. How will you catch him?"

Bob replies, "Well, sir, that's easy! He only has one eye!"

The policeman replies, "That's because the photo I showed you is his profile! He doesn't h...

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I once dated a girl who had a twin.

People kept asking me how I could tell them apart. Easy.

Jill paints her nails purple. John has a dick.

Quick and easy guide to CBT

Bop it!
Twist it!
Turn it!
Pull it!

3 women die and go to heaven. The only rule? Do NOT step on a duck.

3 women die and go to heaven. God tells them that they are free to do as they please, but there is only one rule. Never. Step. On. A. Duck. Seems easy enough.

The next day the first woman steps on a duck. POOF! She is suddenly handcuffed to a really ugly guy. The other 2 women make sure to be...

Why is it so easy to track Santa on Christmas Eve?

Because he always accepts cookies.

Hey! Wanna make $$$$ fast?

…Just follow my simple instructions:
1. Hold down the Shift Key
2. Press the number 4 four times.

It's that easy!

It’s proved, that it is easy to please a woman with just 3.5 inches.

I am talking about credit card length.

Why is it easy to come up with nicknames for a tree?

Because they stick.

I came up with this one, I hope it's good cause it's my only achievement in life.

This cancer game is easy

i'm already on stage 4

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A lemon, a potato, and a pea all had a tough week working at the grocery store...

...so they decided to let off some steam with a bar crawl at the weekend.

They had a great time, hitting bar after bar, knocking back drinks, but being so genetically different, the alcohol affected them each in different ways: the lemon got very acidic and refluxy; the potato, being a big st...

Why is it easy to beat England in a war?

Because you always hit the Mark.

It's actually really easy to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile.

Just find out whether he wants to see you later or in a while.

Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.

He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself.
However, the gates are closed and Forrest approaches the Gatekeeper.
St. Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we've been ad...

I got Food poisoning from eating raw eggs

Salmonella isn’t a yolk, I hope this is over easy..I’m feeling all scrambled.

To make it stand, I have to wet it. To make it wet, I have to suck it. To make it stiff, I have lick it and to get it in, I have to push it...

Brah, threading a needle isn't as easy as it looks!

The advantage of easy origami is...

Two fold...

I don't know why most people think a dogs life is so easy.

Everytime I come home from work I ask my dog how his day went and he always says rough.

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President Trump met the Queen of England in her palace

Trump: “Your Majesty, any tips you can give me to prevent slow down in economy ?"


"Well," said the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."


Trump frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around me are intelligent?" ...

Easy weight loss technique:

Step 1: Initiate Brexit.

Step 2: Lose 440 million pounds a week.

This is my first joke so go easy on me.

Jokes on you if you were looking for something new.

Google: So, we can do it the easy way, or the Huawei.

Huawei: No.

Google: Please Guawei.

My Dad told me stabbing a Donkey is easy

It turned out to be a real pain in the ass.

Did you know, there is an easy way to tell if your house is haunted.

It isn't.

One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:


"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"

The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I coul...

Two men are hunting in the woods behind the house of one of them.

One looks through the scope of his rifle and says to the other, "Your wife is in their with another man."

The husband says, "Shoot her in the head and him in the balls."

The other man says, "That'll be easy. I can do that in one shot!"

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We choose to masturbate,

not because it is easy, but because it is hard.

Why are fish so easy to weigh?

Because they have their own scales.

Student in a test

An engineering student was in oral test. The professor asked him" what do usually ride when you go home ?".

The student answered " the bus"

Professor : cool, tell me what you would do i...

Martin was depressed

Martin was depressed because he never got girls. But then Martin became a director. Now Martin scores easy.

How easy is it to count in binary?

It’s as easy as 01 10 11.

There’s a man trying to cross the street. As he steps off the curb a car comes screaming around the corner and heads straight for him.

The man walks faster, trying to hurry across the street, but the car changes lanes and is still coming at him.


So the guy turns around to go back, but the car changes lanes again and is still coming at him. By now, the car is so close and the man so scared that he just freezes and stops...

I realized that driving a golf cart isn’t as easy as it looks.

But I finally got it down to a tee.

Get that summer Super Saiyan look in 3 easy steps!

1. Bleach
2. Samurai Shampoo
3. Neon Genesis Hairgelion

>!sorry for the low quality pun on the last one - came up with this in the car!<

While you're at someone's house, it's pretty easy to tell if they like plants.

Just look around and see if they botany.

I'm a programmer, my wife works part-time in tech support. (NSFW)

Last Friday night, we felt a little frisky, so we made a trip to the bedroom. For her, everything went great. For me... Not so much. An hour later, I had yet to climax once.

So my wife had a brilliant idea. She went to our living room, grabbed some books we'd bought so we could teach our kids...

Reddit asked me to prove I'm human by identifying fire hydrants.

Joke's on them, I'm a dog and that was easy.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

He was incredibly depressed. He wanted to die. Getting hit by a car would be easy. He wanted to get to the "other side."

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There was once a really smart bee.

Ever since he was little, he had always wanted more than the simple, boring lives led by his fellow bees. After a few years, he left his job, his hive, and his family behind, in search of a better life.
He flew for hours until he came to a small Virginia town, on the edge of a forest. He landed, ...

Playing hide and seek with my three year old son is easy.

It’s been 15 years and he still hasn’t found me!

A game show host is talking to a rabbit

The host looks at his question card. "Okay, here is your first question: What is 7 plus 5?"

"Twelve", replied the rabbit.

"That's correct! Now for question 2: What is 56 minus 37?"

The rabbit thought for a moment. "Nineteen"

"That's correct! Okay, now here is your grand p...

Two knights stood to face each other

They both unsheathed their weapons, ready to duel

The first knight drew his longsword, confident he would defeat his opponent with wit and skill

The second knight drew a large block of cheddar cheese

The first knight scoffed and said, "And just how to you expect to best me with ...

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It already wasn't easy to accept that my father is gay. But it was even more difficult when I eventually discovered that...

...my other father is too.

Just got my Cosmetology degree in six months!!!

This was easy a pi and guess what, here I am. Neil Degrasse Tyson you better watch out, there's a new cosmetologist in town.

A drunk in a bar is yelling "All lawyers are thieves"

The guy sitting next to him says, "Whoa, easy there buddy."

The drunk says, "Are you a lawyer?"

"No, I'm a thief" says the guy.

A man is late for his date

So he runs to the restraunt but just before he goes in he realises how how much he's been sweating. Not wanting to meet the girl smelling awful he begins to panick.

"Hey I can help you out," says a faint voice.

The man looks all around but cant see where the words came from.

...

As I walk around the children’s party I think,

“Wow, it was really easy to get that ankle monitor off.”

WOW is an interesting word. WOW spelled backwards is still wow. And WOW upside down is MOM. And MOM upside down is Dad's favorite thing.

No, I'm sorry, that joke was cheap and easy, and so's my mom, and that's why I'm here. No, seriously, I love my mom... And you can, too, for twelve dollars.

In Celebration of my Cake Day, here's a terrible joke: the Olympic Swimmer and his Son

Michael was a famous Olympic Swimmer. Recently retired, it was his dream to continue his legacy by teaching his son the art of swimming. They had practiced for years, and when Michael's son was ready, he was entered into his first ever tournament.

The first round was easy. After all, t...

Bob, Bob etc.

A redneck woman went to the school to register her boys.
The office worker asked her, "How many children do you have?"

"Ten," she replied.

"And what are their names?" he asked.

"Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, and Bob."

"They're ALL named Bob?" he asked....

“Parenting is easy”

Said the anti-vaxx Mom

Dadding is not easy

After 10 years, the wife starts to think their child looks strange so she decides to do a DNA test.

She finds out that the child is actually from completely different parents.

Wife: Honey, I have something very serious to tell you

Husband: What’s up?

Wife: According to DN...

It's not easy educating kids in the capital of Connecticut.

I've got it bad, got it bad, got it bad; I'm a Hartford teacher.

An Indian chief goes to the village shaman...

An Indian chief goes to the village shaman and asks him if this year's winter will be harsh. The shaman thinks about the question for a while, does his thing and says "oh yeah, it will be a terrible winter"

So the village stockpiles everything they can as to survive the terrible winter. Winte...

It was surprisingly easy to get a job at the zoo as a computer scientist

Probably because I am fluent in Python

Coping with multiple personality disorder is easy.

But, I've always been more of a people person.

Jackie Kennedy: "Not now. I have a headache."

John F Kennedy: "We do this, not because it is easy, but because it is hard!"

I saw a doctor's office that does proton therapy.

I never thought that subatomic particles would need therapy, but I guess it's not easy being positive all the time.

It's Easy

Q: How can you spot the blind guy in a nudist colony?
A: It's not hard.

Is it easy to get a job at a restaurant?

I don’t have a lot of work experience, so ideally I’d be looking for an entree-level position.

How to get the body you desire in 3 easy steps!

Step 1 - Go to your local gym.
Step 2 - Find the person whose body you wish to emulate.
Step 3 - Abduct that person.

Now you have the body you desire! Problem solved!

Scaring men is easy

I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is..

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So my friend Sam got a job with a large oil company to work oil fields in the Middle East.

Once he got to his site, he found he was 35km from the nearest town, no one had a personal vehicle, and the crew was 100% men. All was well for a month or two, but Sam was getting very sexually frustrated. He asked another crew member what they did when they were so horny, and the guy gestures to th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It's going to be easy for Trump to build that wall...

... everyone's shitting bricks everywhere

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman walks into an ice cream shop

And orders a chocolate ice cream. The young man assisting her kindly informs her they are a unique ice cream shop and only sell two flavors, Vanilla and Strawberry.

She replies rudely, “Well this is news to me so I’ll obviously need more time to decide.”

She’s staring at the menu with...

I'm making a fortune selling home security systems. The sale is easy. All I do is say, "Hello!"

At 3 in the morning.

Whilst sitting on the end of their bed...

The Meaning Of Life

A young man goes to search for the meaning of life. He decides to ask around.


The first person he meets is a wealthy man. "That's easy," he says. "The meaning of life is to accumulate wealth. Then you can transform and inspire your community." The young man takes this advice to heart. He ...

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Jack Shitt: This Is His Story

WHEN SOMEONE SAYS TO YOU: "You don't know Jack Shitt"

\[Now you'll know the entire story!\]

**Jack Shitt** is the only son of **O. Shitt** and **Awe Shitt**. O.Shitt, the fertilizer magnate, married Awe Shitt, who later ran *the Kneedeep Inn-Shitt*. Jack Shitt eventually married **Noe...

What's an easy way to make friends?

Start asking out all the ladies you know by name.

A Pessimist, an Optimist, and a Literalist go Hunting

An optimist, a pessimist, and a literalist go hunting together. They make camp, and agree that one will go hunting while two stay at camp.

The pessimist asks to go first thinking that there won't be anything to hunt and wants to get it out of the way. They leave camp. Many hours later they re...

One day after school, Wendy was dared by one of her class,ages to climb to the top of the school’s flagpole

She bets him five dollars that she can and he agrees. She climbs all the top and gets her five dollars. Upon reaching home, she told her mom after school, feeling proud of what she did.

“Oh Wendy, he just wanted you to climb the pole so he could see your underwear.” She says, shaking her ...

There once was a man called John O’Malley. When John was young he loved tractors. He had posters of tractors on his wall, loads of toy tractors, he even named his dog “Tractor”!

One day, while John was driving his favorite tractor, a Massey Ferguson 5710SL, the vehicle caught on fire. Luckily John escaped but not without injury, the tractor had blown up and some shrapnel had hit John after he jumped out of the tractor. He was scarred, physically and mentally and absolutely ...

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Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know...

One day, the police raided the brothel and took all the girls outside
and made them line up. By chance, Lulu's grandma came by.

Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?"

Not willing to let her grandma know the truth, Lulu told her that the
police were passing ...

I’m trying to organize a Hide and Seek tournament for a while, but it is not easy.

Good players are hard to find.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I like it when my wife makes Christmas shopping easy.

This year she said she wants a gun, Duct tape, some rope, and a large sturdy bag. Can't wait to see what she gets me

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A 50 year old lady gets botox.

A 50 something year old wakes up one morning and decides she doesn't like the way she looks so she gets botox.

While out grocery shopping she asks the cashier how old he thinks she is.

"oh i dont know.. Late 20s?"

"Brilliant" she says, "im actually 50! "

Later on while c...

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A young Doctor opened a small office to provide care to an Indian reservation.

One day, an Indian arrives to the office, looks at the Doctor and says:

*-Big Chief. No poop.*

The Doctor smiles. He says: -*Say no more!*

He opens a cabinet and takes a small bottle with a Syrup. He gives it to the Indian with easy instructions:

*-Tell the Chief he nee...

Leading a horse to water is easy. How do you make a horse drink?

Put it in a blender with some ice.

Wife: where did you put the flowers

me: in the door

wife: what? how?

me: relax, it's easy cause the door is a jar

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