Take Advantage Jokes - 46 Hilarious Take Advantage Jokes

A blonde is going door to door trying to find some paying work She knocks on one door and an older man opens it up. "Hey mister, do you have any odd jobs I could do for cash?"

He looks her up and down and surmises that she's an idiot whom he can take advantage of.

"I'll give you ten dollars if you paint my porch. There's paint, brushes, ladders and everything you'll need next to the car in the garage."

"Sure, sounds great!"

The man closes the door, ch...

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During debates, when my opponents said a word that had different meanings based on its spelling, I would take advantage of it and use the word's other meaning to attack them personally.

It was an ad homonym.

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Joe wanted to buy a Harley motorcycle. He didn't have much luck until one day, he came across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it ...

The bike looked better than a new one, even though it was 10 years old. It was shiny and in great condition.

He buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

'Well, it's quite simple,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain...

Four people were riding in a compartment on a train in Crimea..

... an old old lady, a beautiful young woman, a Ukrainian man, and a Russian soldier. The train enters a tunnel and it's suddenly pitch dark. Nobody can see a thing. There is a sound of a kiss, a sound of a slap, and when the train exits the tunnel, the Russian soldier is nursing a painful red slap ...

A woman sends her husband to the market to sell a goat.

After selling it, he stopped by the blacksmith and bought a vise and a basket. He put the vise in the basket and headed home. On his way back, he saw a merchant selling livestock.
Having leftover money, he decided to buy a duck as well. The merchant tells him:
"Listen mister, I only have these...

The Pastor of the local church calls on the congregation for volunteers for Bible sales....

A gentleman with a severe stutter approaches the pastor after Sunday service.

"I-i-i... I-i-id like to v-v-v-v-vol-vol-vo-volunteer to s-s-s-se-sell b-b-b-bi-b-bibles, f-fff-f-f-fa-fa-father..."

"That would be wonderful, my son. We'll start you with one box. Please go door to door thr...

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11 Reasons To Go To Work Naked

1. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!"
2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.
3. Inventive way to finally meet that hunk in Human Resources.
4. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."
5. To stop tho...

A painter was the only painter in town...

...And he tended to take advantage of this by diluting his paint a bit with turpentine. One day he was asked to paint the church steeple. He was about half done, standing high on a ladder, when a cloud suddenly came in. It started to rain, washing away his paint, and then a bolt of lightning knocked...

The Young knight and his pipe

A young knight was nervous about his upcoming meeting with the king.

He went to the wise man, and told him of his worries, and the old man presented him an ornately designed pipe to give to the king as a gift.

"Wise master, I am confused. Why is it you suggest that I give him this beau...

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How Many Dogs Does it Take to Change a Lightbulb?

Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?

Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!...

In law school...

Professor: What is fraud?

Student: If you don't let me pass the exam, you've committed fraud.

Professor: (surprised) how so?

Student: According to the law, those who take advantage of others' ignorance to cause them losses are committing fraud.

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An old man checks out the local Nudist Colony to see if he wants to join

The clerk invites him to take a nude, self tour. He agrees and proceeds to go for his tour, completely naked, sporting only his cigar... not five minutes into his stroll he sees a beautifully shaped young lady in the buff which aroused him quickly... the young lady, noticing his erection decides to...

When life gives you lemons...

...take advantage of lemon law.

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One of the first steps toward becoming a man...

One day, the father of a young boy decides that it's time to teach his son how to pee standing up.

"Alright, son, this is one thing that will help you become a man. It's a privilege we have that women do not, so it's important to take advantage of it. All you have to do is follow these nine s...

Kid Ink walks into a barbershop

The barber isn’t in tune with modern pop culture, only knowing bits and pieces, so he doesn’t recognize the rapper.

Kid Ink decides to take advantage of this and play a harmless prank.

Kid Ink sits down in the barber chair. The barber, wanting to get to know his client better, breaks...

St. Peter was looking down at Earth one Sunday and saw a Baptist minister playing golf

After a bit of investigating, he found the man had asked his lay clergy to conduct that day's service so he could take advantage of good weather. Incensed, St. Peter goes to God to complain.

"Lord, can you believe this? A man who preaches your Word, neglecting his sacred duty so he can golf....

A Policeman spots a man walking with three penguins

He walks up to confront them

P: Excuse me Sir but what are doing with these penguins

M: Well we decided to take advantage of the weather and go for stroll

P: You should go take those penguins to the zoo they would love it there

The Man agrees and walks off and the next d...

The best doctor in town vs John

There is a doctor in town who can cure almost any sickness. His confidence for his ability made him put up a sign that says "If I heal you, you pay $100. If I can't, I'll give you $200". John saw this and decided to take advantage of it. He came to the clinic the next day claiming to have lost the s...

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A woman sees a sale sign that says "Tampons: 3 boxes for $5"

Wanting to take advantage of the deal, she goes into the store. The sales attendant immediately comes up to her and asks if he can help her, she says, "Yes, I saw a sign outside that said you have a sale going for tampons, are they really just $5 for three whole boxes?

The sales attendant rep...

I went to the Doctors

He asked "What's the matter?"

I said "I'm too easy going. People always take advantage of my good nature"

He said "What do you want me to do?"

I said "I want you to refer me to a self-assertiveness course"

He said "No you don't"

I said "You're right, I don't"

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Two cowboys

Riding across the range, they come upon a heifer with her head caught in the fence. Cowboy#1 says "you know I'm getting kind of tired of beating off in the bushes, I think ill take advantage of this situation"

He hops off his horse and goes to the heifer and has sloppy intersperses sexual in...

Today my girlfriend told me she needed time and distance...

"Well...," a friend replies, "...I'm going to be honest with you: you should take advantage of that, she's not for you. She is seeing other guys, she even had an affair with me, your best friend! I'm glad she said that. How did she start the conversation?"

The other guy stays speechless for a...

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Scam alert! Men beware

During the recent hot weather here in the UK we have had a couple of young women operating a scam at our local supermarket. They offer a while-you-wait car valeting service - you just drive in and while you sit there, one of them washes the outside of the car while the other vacuums the inside. They...

A young couple on holiday was driving through the English countryside

A young couple on holiday was driving through the English countryside when they approached the gates of a monastery. A sign on the gates announced “Public lunch served daily. Fish and chips our speciality.” The couple were quite hungry and, seeing that the noon hour had just passed, they decided to ...

So, the wife receives her lover at home and her son arrives early from school and go to the bedroom's wardrobe to watch

So, the wife receives her lover at home and her son arrives early from school and go to the bedroom's wardrobe to watch.

When they were already both naked, the husband arrives early too and the wife puts the lover in the wardrobe too without noticing her son was already in there.

<...

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A man was taking a train to the city from a rural town, when he saw the most beautiful blonde he'd ever laid his eyes on

Upon close inspection, it seemed that the woman was a country bumpkin; and that he overheard her say to an attendant that it was her first time riding a train, and going to a big city.

Because his lust was too strong, he was determined to take advantage of her and waited for an opportunit...

Wars in the Iberian Peninsula

Having forged a marriage alliance, the kingdoms of Castille and Aragon formed Spain, a united Catholic front to drive the Moors outside of Iberia.

One of the more important battles in the subsequent Reconquista was the siege of Cordoba. Though historians debate what exact tactics the command...

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Older men scam

Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen for men. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it.

A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at Lowe's, Home Depot, Costco, ...

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A girl was about to jump off a cliff to end her life

A girl was about to jump off a cliff to end her life. Just as she was about to leap to her death, a homeless man approached from behind and shouted to ask her a question, "Excuse me miss! Before you jump would you like to have sex with me?" The woman replied angrily, "No I most certainly would not! ...

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I bet he felt pretty good about himself...

A man walks into the local sporting goods store with the hopes of purchasing some ammunition, as he has every Saturday for the past two months (with nothing but bare shelves), despite the recent shortage. Much to the man's luck, the store just received a large shipment of ammo that morning and he is...

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A local preacher was dissatisfied with the small amount in the collection plates each Sunday.

Someone suggested to him that perhaps he might be able to hypnotize the congregation into giving more.

"And just how would I go about doing that?" he asked.

"It's very simple. First you turn up the air conditioner so that the auditorium is warmer than usual. Then preach in a monotone...

Everyday at 2pm most workers at a factory stopped working and went drinking at a bar.

Finally Billy asked what's going on? They told him everyday at 1:45 the boss leaves and comes back at 4:45, so the workers take advantage and have some fun at the bar, they comeback before the boss does, he never finds out about it. The next day like clockwork 1:45 the boss leaves and 2pm the worker...

Three young priests are sitting in a pub... (NSFW)

They've all recently graduated from the seminary, and they've just been told where they're being sent for their first posting: they've all requested missionary work overseas.

The first one takes a huge swig of his pint and slams it down on the table triumphantly.

"Well, I'm over the mo...

An elderly couple died in a car crash

They had been in excellent health for years through taking regular exercise and also because the wife was obsessed with eating health foods, keeping a strict watch on both of their diets.

So when St Peter welcomed them to Heaven, they were keen to take advantage of the first-class relaxation ...

A lady with a mildly upset tummy gets on a street car for a cross town appointment...

When approaching the first stop, she notices the street car’s brakes make a horribly loud racket. Given the state of her upset tummy she decides that she can take advantage of the street car’s worn brakes. Cautiously, upon approaching the next stop she perfectly times the release of a small amount...

Better be Good

**Sarah and her thirteen-year-old sister had been fighting a lot this year. This happens when you combine a headstrong two-year-old, who is sure she is always right, with a young adolescent.**

**Sarah's parents, trying to take advantage of her newfound interest in Santa Claus, reminded the tw...

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Three men go to Spain after hearing about a great restaurant with an amazing speciality

Upon arriving to said restaurant they sit down and order the special. After waiting half an hour a waiter walks out holding two big juicy balls (quite literally) on a platter. Curious the three men ask him what they are being served.

The waiter answers "You see señor, the bull arena is right ...

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One day Superman was feeling a bit horny

One day Superman was feeling a bit horny. So, he began to
ask his super hero friends for ideas on where he could get
a bit of action. "Hey Batman! Who's good in the sack?"

"Well Superman, everyone knows that Wonderwoman is the best
sex in comicland. Why don't you try her?", replied B...

Finally gets a chance to go to a bar.

A guy gets home from work early one evening and finds a message from his wife stating she will be working late and to entertain himself for the evening. As any married man knows, when you have a free evening, you take advantage of it and so, he headed down to the bar. What a night, drinks, has a gr...

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A blonde woman goes appliance shopping...

... and upon arrival at the department store, she decides to take advantage of a sale that she sees. She calls over an employee and points to the marked-down price.

"I'd like to buy this television," she says, batting her eyelashes.

"I'm truly very sorry, miss," the employee tells her,...

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So there's this duck...

...and one day he's walkin down the street when he gets a huge craving for some donuts. So he goes to the bakery and walks in and says to the baker "hey man can i get a dozen donuts, half glazed and half boston creme?" And the baker's like "No, you can't. We don't serve ducks here." And the duck's a...

My grandfather was always playing pranks on people.

My grandfather was always playing pranks on people. He was originally from Ireland before he moved to the US. He fit all of the stereotypes of an Irishman, having red hair and beard, constantly being at the bar, and having an accent so thick that I could barely understand him even though I knew him ...

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New bike

A bloke wins the lottery and decides to buy himself a Harley Davidson, he goes down to his local bike shop and after purchasing a top of the range bike, the owner of the shop tells him to coat the bike in Vaseline every time it looks like raining. That night he goes and picks his girlfriend up on hi...

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The Lawyer and the Senior Citizen

A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight.

The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could take advantage easily.

So, the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game. The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he p...

What does she have that I don't?

An elderly woman is living out her golden years in a retirement home. One day she spots a newcomer at BINGO. He's a dashing gentleman of about her age and though she's rather a prude she can't help but be flattered when he flirts a little with her. And though she's not sure that it's the godly thing...

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An Average Day in Heaven

God realizes that Heaven is getting pretty crowded and needs a little time for it to settle down so he can add some additions. He tells St. Peter "Don't let anyone in unless their last day was **really** shitty"

Right after this happens, a man walks up and St. Peter asks him about his last da...

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