UPJOKE
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(Tagged NSFW to be on the safe side)This penguin is out in a road trip.

You know, just seein’ the sights, being a tourist.

He gets out on the freeway and really opens ‘er up tearing siwn the road.

Suddenly, his car gives a pop, and smoke starts billowing out of his hood.

Cripes, he thinks, and he pulls off the freeway and slowly works his way to a m...

A frog walks into a bank

... and approaches the teller. He can see from her name tag that her name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation."

Patti stares at the talking frog in disbelief but recovers herself quickly and asks him how much he wants to bo...

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Reddit should add separate NSFW tags for gore and porn

I'm so tired of my boners being ruined by these hot ladies.

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A man walks into a pet shop looking for a new bird

He sees a parrot in a cage with a tag reading "$10", the man asks, "why is he so cheap?", he then heard "Because I'm defective, I've got no legs." Surprised the man asked, "Well how do you stay on your perch?" The parrot draws him closer and whispers, "I have a big penis. I just wrap it around the b...

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A guy walks into a bar and says. "Give me 10 shots of tequila, line 'em up!"

The bartender does and the guy proceeds to slam the 10 shots down at machine gun pace. The bartender says, "Damn man, what's all this for?"

The guys says, "My first blowjob." The bartender says, "Well shit dude, that's something to celebrate, have another on the house!" The guy says, "No than...

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My grandpa loves jokes and over quarantine he sent us an extensive list of jokes. He called these ones groaners. Please enjoy. ( NSFW warning I don’t know how to tag it)

I lived in a houseboat for a while and started seeing the girl next door. Eventually, we drifted apart.



My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it is going to be on my own Accord.



A man tried to sell ...

Funny how things are still tagged NSFW

As if any of us still have jobs

Update: stop bragging about being employed, it's lowering morale /s

I changed the tags of my mother’s herb jars. She hasn’t notice it yet..

But the thyme is cumin

Have you ever noticed the tags that you can use when posting on r/Jokes?

For some reason, people can't use the OC tag in their posts.

What do you get when you cross a church with a laser tag arena?

Pew! Pew! Pew!

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Defective Parrot

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Sheesh. I wonder what happened to this poor Parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy smokes!" the guy replies. "You ...

What did the bird say to the price tag?

Cheep!

(As told to me this morning by my 7 year old son. He was quite proud of the joke.)

What did one German bread say to the other?

Gluten Tag

A stranger rides into a Wild West town and finds it deserted.

All except the saloon, so when he's hitched his hoss to the rail he goes in, orders a beer, and says to the barkeep "Say, where is everyone?"

"They've all gone to hang the Brown Paper Kid," says the barkeep.

" 'Brown Paper Kid' ain't no kinda name for a man," says the newcomer. "What d...

How do you get the attention of a pervert? [NSFW]

Use an NSFW tag

Why NFSW tag still a thing??

Like any of us still have a job.

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Dad, a girl invited me over to her house (nswf) [i could not find the option to tag nsfw, someone please from mod team put nswf tag.]

"Oh that is great, Billy. But you should be careful, you are young and an STD or unwanted pregnancy is going to be devastating. Please, remember to wear a condom if the situation arises... Actually, no. I don't trust you, son. Put it on right now, because at the heat of the moment you will forget."<...

My name is Eaton, and my coworker and I were talking about name tags,

I keep an abundance of mine attached via magnet to my desk so I never forget to have one.

She lost the backing to her name tag somewhere around her desk.

I let her know that I have a bunch extra so if she needed one just take one.

She asks, "So, I can be Eaton today then?"
...

A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise the funds

A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise the funds.

Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughe...

I don't have tags for my dog, but I bought her a phone in case she got lost. She ran away today.

I really should collar.


Also, Lost: Seeing Eye Dog

Last Seen: Never

Glen and Paul meet at a Bar...

... Paul mentions that he just bought a giant Pink Ape. Glen is like" No way, they don't exist" Paul decides to prove it to him.

So, they hop into Paul's car and head 5 miles to a small shed with a wooden door with wooden steps, that lead down to a steel door with steel steps, that lead down ...

What's the worst part about playing tag with a clown?

When the clown is it.

I went to the bee keepers to buy some bees. All the bees had price tags on them except one.

It was a freebie

I got banned from laser tag today.

Apparently they frown on using a knife to save ammo.

I saw a guy wearing a T-shirt with the tag "Life = God + Righteousness"

I hope he understands that it also means; "God = Life - Righteousness" and "Righteousness = Life - God".

Three men arrive at the pearly gates of heaven (NSFW, LONG, I don’t know how to do the tag things)

St John comes out and says to the men, “Heaven has become too full, as such we’re only taking in people who had tragic deaths.” He turns to the first man and says, “How did you die then?”
“Well I knew my wife was having an affair,” the fist man begins, “and I came home to find her lying naked on ...

A man from Florida is on vacation in France and looking for a souvenir

He decides to buy a shirt that he can show off when he golfs with his buddies back home, so he finds a golf store.

To his surprise, he finds a golf shirt with a picture of a gator on it! There's gator merchandise from France?? What a perfect shirt!

He checks the tag and it's 100 €! Inc...

Instructions

According to the Knight-Ridder News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the U. S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed. The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated, "Wash. Biol. Surv. " until the agency received th...

A History of Mazda

(I hope this isn't technically a Rule 6 violation)

Mazda is suffering in car sales, and so begins some new lines of products and tag lines.

They get into gardening, bloom bloom,

The military, boom boom,

Condoms, coom coom,

Textiles, loom loom,

Psychedelics,...

A rabbit goes for a run through the forest

As he’s running a cones across a possum about to light up a joint. The rabbit says, “Oh no! Mr. Possum! Don’t do that! It’s so bad for you. Come running with me and stay healthy!” The possum looks at his joint and decides they the rabbit is right and he needs to get healthy. So off they go for a run...

The peanuts are running around the yard playing tag...

The peanut that is It keeps yelling, “I’m gonna cashew!”

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Some people on this sub come up with crappy jokes and rely on the NSFW tag to make people curious...

I'm tired of clicking only to find that it's hardly even a fucking joke

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How to say "hi" in other countries

France has "bonjour."

Japan has "konichiwa."

Germany has "guten tag."

England has "fuck off, yank."

China has "nihao."

TIL in germany when someone is diagnosed with coeliac disease other coeliacs will chase and try and hit them with bread to make them feel welcomed.

It's called gluten tag.

What part of Popeye never rusts?

The part that he sticks in Olive Oyl.

How many germans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One.
We are very effective and don´t have a great sense of humor.

Guten Tag!

When I was a kid my younger cousin always cheated at freeze tag,

So I wasn't surprised when I heard he got shot by the cops

Why do witches wear name tags?

So they know which witch is which!

(I used to say this all the time when I was younger)

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90% of the Front Page should be tagged as "NSFW"

I mean, with all these assholes showing up...

Why does Pennywise hate playing tag?

Because he's always IT.

I got a new tag on my car

On the front of my car, there's a license plate that says "Dodge."

That's not the manufacturer, it's a suggestion.

What did the blonde customer say after reading the buxom waitress's name tag?

A: "What did you name the other one?"

My dad likes to play tag.

I'm "it" and haven't been able to find him to tag him for 17 years.

He's an awesome guy and I admire his commitment.

The Germans have developed a talking bread, but it only uses informal greetings such as "tag" or "morgen".

It's guten-free bread.

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I agree that there should be different NSFW tags for violent and sexual content

Nothing changes my mood more than seeing naked people while I'm trying to enjoy horrible gore.

*WARNING* SPOILER tag is SERIOUS!

Milk and eggs go bad quickly.

I was at a lingerie store and they were advertising an old fashioned-looking nighty with the tag line "Just like mother used to wear"...

It's called a Freudian Slip.

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A Valentine’s Day Story

A boy was walking home from school when he passed by a stray cat. The cat was trying to drink water that had spilt on the tarmac near it. The boy saw that the tarmac was dirty, and was worried that the cat would get sick if it kept drinking the water. He started to slowly walk towards the cat while ...

So now I’m banned from going to the laser tag fun center

They said I’m not allowed to use melee attacks

My friend JB had to get a name tag...

See JB's name was JB. It didn't stand for anything. No, sir. It was simply JB. So he wrote on the application J only B only to ensure there was no mistake.

His name tag came back Jonly Bonly

The key to winning freeze tag?

Sliding tackles.

I asked my local store why they don't round the 99 cent price tags to a dollar

They said that there's no cents in the change

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Dear TAG heuer ..

I’m pretty sure that if I end up 500 meters under water, I won’t need a fuckin’ watch anymore.

What's the best way to get a perverts attention?

Put an nsfw tag on your post.

What did Mike Tyson say to the drug addicts who were playing tag in his front yard?

Quit mething around.

Ethnic jokes are unacceptable. They are offensive, and hurtful to those on the receiving end. I see that so much in the Midwest with jokes portraying Norwegians and Swedish people as less than intelligent. It has to stop!

Let’s edit all ethnic jokes to those who are not easily offended, like, for example, the Hittites. The Hittites are extinct, there are no more Hittites in existence, so can we just make all ethnic jokes about them?

For example, there were two Hittites, let’s name them, I don’t know, how...

The 'sandwich artist' turned my toppings into bottoms

Fitting, for a sub.




*precautionary NSFW tag; idk, I dont post much

A kid playing tag runs up to Tim Curry and says...

you're IT

I'm writing a musical about a rag-tag team of Breitbart columnists standing up to the mainstream media elites.

It's called Fake Newsies.

Air Hostess with a tag.

Air Hostess had name tag on her chest, naming her Mia.

Guy: Beautiful name.

Air hostess: Thanks.

Guy: Didn't you name the other one?

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How many reddit users does it take to replace a lightbulb?

1 to make a post about it,
4 to mention that its the wrong forum,
1 to post it to the right forum,
7 to suggest op should post it to the electronics forum,
2 to post it to the electronics forum,
1 mod to delete the second post,

3 to suggest an image post would have gathered mor...

New California law makes theft under $950 a misdemeanor.

There's this new law in CA that makes theft under $950 a misdemeanor. People are stealing less than $950 worth of stuff with little to no consequences. It's getting so bad, when I went to buy a Snickers bar, the price tag said $951 dollars.

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How do you catch a horny redditor ?

You tag a post as nsfw on r/Jokes

My girlfriend and I went to a restaurant and our German friend tagged along with us. I get the impression he eats a lot of calves.

There wasn't any meat on the menu, but he kept saying he felt like a third veal.

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I'm always intimidated when I notice the bathroom stall I'm in is tagged by a gang.

Scares the shit out of me

Condom tag line

In London, a condom dispensing machine had these words inscribed : "Our products are safe! Strictly made as per High British standards".

Someone added below - "So was the Titanic, but it leaked."

What did the German celiac patient say when he walked into the doctors office?

Gluten tag!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The White Ape

A man was driving down the road in the middle of the night when, naturally, his car broke down. There was no one around, but he saw a light up ahead. He walked towards it and soon figured out that it was a farmhouse.
The man knocked on the door, and a farmer answered. "Sir," he said to the farmer...

A Missed GPS Opportunity

I think Tag Team really missed out on a pivotal GPS tie-in. Instead of “You have reached your destination” we could have had “Whoomp. There it is!”

Somethings just can't be explained

Possibly NSFW I forgot the tag in the title

A farmer went to milk his cow one morning. Just as the bucket was almost full, the cow knocked it over with her left leg. The farmer took some rope and tied the cow's left leg to a post on the left. He sat down to milk the cow again and again as the...

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