You’re traveling the Oregon Trail and you meet a man named Terry. You say “Terry? That’s a girls name!” He pulls out his gun and shoots you.

You have died from dissin' Terry.

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It was spring in the old west. The cowboys rode the still snow-choked trails looking for cattle that survived the winter. As one cowboy's horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine.

The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake. "Hold on there, partner," said the snake, "don't shoot - I'm an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me, I'll give you any three wishes you want."

The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of th...

I would never buy trail mix without dried fruit or chocolate.

That’s just nuts!

One thing I wonder about chemtrails is...

...what happens when they fall off the edge of the world?

A caravan of settlers were on the Oregon Trail

Their Indian guide repeatedly amazed them with his ability to find game and avoid hostile tribes. One day, he reigned in his horse and jumped down and put his head to the ground.
“Buffalo come,” was all he said.
“How can you know that?” Asked one of the amazed settlers.
He looked up and rep...

A cowboy's horse died on the trail so he had to walk for three days to the next town.He looked everywhere in that town but nobody had an extra horse they could sell.So he took a two day journey to the next town only to find himself in the same situation.However,he did stop by a stable and a man

Suggested he see his brother who runs a stable two days walk just south of town.He finds the stable and near death from exhaustion asks"hey mister,I hear you might have a horse for sale."The stable owner says"well I have one,but he don't look so good."The man replied"I've been walking for nearly a w...

I left a trail of rose petals from the front door, up the stairs, and to the bedroom.

I sprinkled some more over the bed.

I sat in the corner wearing nothing but her beautiful silk robe with a bottle of vintage wine on ice on the end table.

I heard the door open and her walking up the stairs, I wanted this to be the most romantic evening she's ever had, I was slightly...

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A police officer sees a trail of $50 notes leading to an old woman with two bags of trash.

Curious he approaches the woman and asks:

"Excuse me Mam, but one of your bags has a hole".

The woman thanks him profoundly but he, still curious, asks:

"Hope you don't mind me snooping around but where did you get all that money?"
"Well, you see Mr.Officer, I have a lovel...

I was by my friends side when he died on a trail in the woods. With his last ounce of strength he reached out and put the necklace he wore everywhere in my hands. The look on his face was desperate and serious, he really wanted me to have it...

And that's why I wear this epipen around my neck.

You’re traveling along the Oregon trail and you meet a man named Terry.

One of your party members says, “I thought Terry was a woman’s name.”

That party member immediately dies.

What did they die from?



Dysentery

There was this one bike trail I took and I swear, at every turn it tried to kill me.

I hope I never see that crazy cycle path ever again.

What do you call a bike trail for crazy people?

A cycle path

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One day in the forest, 3 guys were just hiking along a trail when all of a sudden, a huge pack of Sadists attacked them and knocked them out.

When they woke up, they were at the leader of the tribe's throne. The chief then said, "All of your lives may be spared if you can find ten of one fruit and bring them back to me." So after a while the first man returned with 10 apples. The chief then ordered him to stick all ten of them up his butt...

Two friends are out hiking, and they see a black bear on the trail in front of them

One guy takes off his pack, takes off his hiking boots, and puts on running shoes

His friend says, “What are you doing? You can’t outrun that bear!”

The first guy says, “I don’t have to outrun the bear. I have to outrun you!”

How much does a baker on the Oregon Trail pay for piercings?

A pie an ear.

How come the Ghostbusters never made it very far in Oregon Trail?

They refused to cross streams.

A pioneer in a wagon was on a trail heading west when he came across an Indian lying on the road with his ear to the ground

He stops perplexed at the sight. And he hears the Indian speak slowly and softly.

"Settlers, covered wagon, man, woman, two children, a dog with a limp."

Amazed, the pioneer said, "You can tell all of that just by putting your head to the ground."

"No," said the Indian. "They ...

There were 3 blondes walking on a trail...

The first blonde said "Those look like deer tracks!"

The second blonde said "No those are totally moose tracks... "

The third blonde said "Nope, they are goat tracks!"

Then a train hit them

My uncle died on the oregon trail

We buried him in cholerado

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A cowboy ran out of food on the trail so he had to boil and eat his leather chaps.

The next day he pooped his pants.

Three blondes are walking when they come across tracks. The first blondes says “I know these, they’re deer tracks!” The second says “No! They’re bear tracks” Finally the third speaks up and says “Your both wrong! They’re obviously fox trails!”

They were still arguing when the train hit them.

What do you call walking trails behind mental institutions?

Psychopaths

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Walking a trail, I hear the tell-tale sound of a rattlesnake, and stand stiff as I stare it down and remember the words of my old scout master, "Remember, it's more afraid of you than you are of it."

Considering only one of us pissed themselves, I'd say he's wrong.

One day, a couple of politicians were on a campaign trail.

They would drive from city to city in a bus to deliver speeches, have debates and answer questions. Then, one day, the bus didn't reach its intended destination at all. A couple of concerned voters decided to inquire as to where they disappeared to. After following the bus's intended path for a whil...

Rarely, hikers of the Appalachian trail report seeing psychic grizzlies take control of their friends, who start foraging and looking for honey...

Bear in mind, that doesn't happen very often.

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Two friends are hiking up a trail.

Two friends are hiking up a trail in a remote area of the woods, we will call them Bob and Frank. Out of nowhere a snake leaps and bites Bob square on his penis. Panicking, Frank tells Bob that there was a village nearby and someone HAS to know what to do.

Frank finds the local medicine man ...

It's 2004 and George W Bush is on the campaign trail...

He stops at a small-town midwest diner for breakfast. After taking a seat he is greeted by a pretty young waitress.

"Mr president, what an honor it is to be serving you. So what will you be having this morning?"

Dubya looks up from his menu, smiles, and says "How about a quickie?"
<...

When you're on the Oregon Trail don't make fun of Terrance, or he might kill you.

You don't want to die of dissin' Terry.

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A man is on trail for a double homicide...

The judge says, "Mr. Johnson, you're being charged with killing your wife with a hammer."

A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You son of a bitch!"

The judge continues, "You're also being charged with killing your mother-in-law with a hammer."

The same guy at the ba...

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Taking The Bait

An old farmer is sitting on his front porch watching the sunrise when he sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying a spool of something metallic under his arm. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

"Chicken wire."

"What you gonna do with that?"

"Gonna catch some chickens."

"You da...

I'm training for a marathon with my friend. Every day when we hit the trails he tells me the same thing, and it always makes me laugh.

It's a running joke.

After my retirement at the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas...

... she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

She's like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following let...

Some guy on the Oregon Trail makes a joke at the expense of Terence, a known outlaw.

He died of dissin' Terry.

What kind of trails does a crazy person travel?

Psychopaths. (I hate myself)

Did you know the original programmer of Oregon Trail was beaten to death by mentally ill Discworld fan?

He died of dissin' Terry.

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I don't know why guys call the hair between their belly button and genitals their happy trail.

I call mine the trail of tears, because the end only offers disappointment.
Also because countless Native American women and children died there.

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RE-RE-RE-REMIX - So there was this professional assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet...

*This is a parody because the original is posted almost daily*

So there was this professional assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, “Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?”

“Yup”

“What if you miss?”

He lo...

Made a hiking playlist called 'trail mix'

It has a lot of eminem in it

A Rabbi is walking through the valley of Trid...

...as he makes his way through the waving grasses and scrub brush, he is amazed to see a giant standing over a brook that runs through the valley. As the rabbi watches in amazement, the giant swoops down, grabs one of the natives of the valley, and punts him off into the distance.

The rabbi c...

A group of Minnesota friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day.

That evening, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.

"Where's Henry"? the others asked.

"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail", the successful hunter replied.

"You left Henry laying out there an...

Donald and Hillary Go Into A Bakery on the Campaign Trail

As soon as they enter the bakery, Hillary steals three pastries and puts them in her pocket.
She says to Donald, "See how clever I am?
The owner didn't see anything and I don't even need to lie.”
I will definitely win the election.

The Donald says to Hillary, "That's the typical dish...

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Donald Trump was having dinner in a restaurant on the campaign trail...

Donald Trump was having dinner in a restaurant on the campaign trail.
Nature eventually called so he politely excused himself from the table and headed to the men's room.
He was standing at the urinal when a tall African American man named Bubba came in and stood at the urinal next to Trump....

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A Dwarf, a Human, and an Elf are walking down a trail.

A Dwarf, a Human, and an Elf are walking down a trail beside a stream when they stop to piss. Afterwards the human takes out some soap and cleans his hands "cleanliness is next to godliness," he says to the others. The elf takes some leaves off a nearby tree and wipes his hands with them "we elves h...

Have you guys had the new Lance Armstrong Trail Mix?

There's only one nut in the bag.

Why wasn't drinking permitted on the Oregon trail?

It was important not to fall off the wagon.

What do you call a thief that leaves a trail?

A crummy thief!

A man name Bob was taking his friend deer hunting for the first time...

He had hyped up the hunting trip all year, as they waited for deer season to arrive. The season starts and Bob drives his friend, Dave, to the land where Dave would kill his first deer.


They had the whole weekend, but after almost two days at it, they hadn't seen heads nor tails of the ...

A joke I heard recently about depression:

One day, a man is so sick and tired of the usual routine that he decides to finally take action and seek a doctor for psychological help.

He goes to the doctor and confesses for the first time the feelings which haunt his daily life: how he perceives the world is harsh and cruel, how he feels...

A blonde and brunette rob a bank

A blonde and brunette decide to rob a bank. "So you remember the plan?" the brunette asks. The blonde smiles and nods. "I'll keep the car ready.. Good luck!"

The blonde runs in, mask on, and pistol in one hand. 5 minutes pass and nothing. The brunette glances at her watch nervously. 10...

A man and his wife just bought a new beach house with their lottery winnings.

At the wife's insistence, they start planning a lavish party to get to know their new neighbors, and the husband is put in charge of securing catering. He orders all the other food she wants for the menu, but unfortunately he forgets the escargot, and by the time he realizes it's too late. He figure...

Jim and Bob are hiking through the woods, and Jim goes off the trail to take a leak.

He suprises a rattlesnake, who strikes at once, and bites him on the pecker. Jim yells over to Bob, who goes into action, and gets a local park ranger on cell phone. Bob tells the story and asks the ranger, "What do I do?"

The ranger says, "You have to try to suck the poison out of the two ...

A group of friends went deer hunting.

They decided to separate into pairs for the day to cover more ground. That night, one hunter returned alone, staggering under a huge buck. The rest of the group helped him as he dropped the buck, before looking around.

“Where’s Harry?” asked one of the other hunters.

“He fainted a coup...

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Bill suffered an excruciating pain in his balls since childhood. No doctor could ever diagnose what was wrong with them. So finally, they suggested him to get them operated.

After the operation, now being a free man, with slightly lesser pain than earlier, he was happy and wanted to start his life afresh. So he went to the garments shop closest to the hospital.

'Excuse me, I'd like to buy a suit, could you please take my measures?' said Bill to the owner of the s...

The Baldwins are on a family holiday in Mississippi when Stephen catches Alec down by the lake, EATING his wife!

He screams in horror as Alec escapes into the lake leaving a bloody trail behind him. The other Baldwin brothers hear the commotion and sprint to the scene.

As they arrive they discover the body of Alec's dead wife, covered in bite marks and with chunks of flesh missing from her limbs.
<...

A cowboy's horse died on his way to town...

As he was walking down the dusty trail, he happened across a ranch. With a renewed sense of hope, he asked the stable keeper if he had any horses for sale.

"Sorry, I've fallen on hard times myself. I had to sell all of my horses!"

The cowboy noticed a rather strange-looking horse stand...

(NSFW) So me and my native american guide were out buffalo hunting

I figured I would take him since his people are rather well known for living off the buffalo before they went relativly extinct. So while we were out in the field I just followed him and let him lead the way. Eventually he said he thought he had begun to find a trail but we later lost it.

So...

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Two Friends were out drinking in a bar for their weekly drinking session.

Their names are Brad and Josh. They have been drinking at the same bar on the same day of the week every single week for 4 years now and the bartenders usually just close the bar and leave the doors unlocked for them to leave when they want to.

Brad lives in a bungalow just across the street ...

A man walks into a bar (LONGish?)

And walks straight to the counter to order a drink. Sitting down, he grabs his drink and starts up some casual talk with the bartender. After about five minutes, he pulls out a miniature piano. The bartender is understandably confused. After asking about it, the man replies, “watch this” and proceed...

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A young Chief of an Indian tribe wants to have sex

So he goes to the local whore house and says, "Chief want pussy." The Owner of the brothel says, "Well does Chief have any experience with pussy?" Chief, knowing that he has never had sex replies, "Chief never laid with woman before." The Owner tells the Chief, "These girls have a lot of experience ...

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The world's toughest cowboy.

Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous.

A night of tall tales commences.

The first says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and g...

My girlfriend "Dad joked" me on a hike.

I asked my girlfriend what she thought trees would sound like if they talked while on a hike.
She said "I bet we couldn't understand them"
I said "why do you think that?"
She said "because they probably only bark"
She then laughed the next half mile down the trail barking occasionally an...

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What's the difference between buttered bread and bread with margarine?

One's a buttery trail while the other one's utter betrayal.

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One night a man had a dream

He dreamed he was on a beach and in front of him were two sets of footprints. As he followed the footprints scenes of his life flashed across the sky. As he reached the end of the trail of prints he saw a figure that could only be Jesus.
The man approached Jesus and said “‘My Lord! Am I dead?”...

A blind man, paraplegic, and deaf man visit a healer on a mountain.

The blind man goes up the trail using his white cane. Arriving at the top he asks to be healed and so it is. He throws his cane off the mountain and comes back down.

The paraplegic goes up the mountain with great difficult and asks to be healed and so it is. He throws his wheelchair off the m...

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All divine beings gather for an emergency meeting

The gods take their time, but one by one everyone is in attendance around a long, dark table on a well-lit cloud.

Yahweh is at the head of the table, simply dressed and glowing. Satan sat at the other end, dressed in a casual suit and a trench coat, a cigarette in hand.

**Yahweh:** O...

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Appolcolypse

A zombie apocalypse had enveloped the earth. 99.9% of the world’s population had been annihilated and Carl, lone survivor, was venturing the land looking for somewhere to take shelter.

One day, he came across a prison. The place was full of people armed with swords, spears, axes and all kin...

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A Fly, Fish, Bear, Hunter, Mouse, and a Cat

Once upon a time there was a Fly buzzing over the edge of a river, and beneath the water there was a fish that saw the fly buzzing close to the water. The fish thought to himself "If that fly drops six inches I'll be able to swim up and eat it!"

Now on the shore of the river there was a bear,...

There was a nun walking home to the convent.

She had to pass through a forest. While on the trail, a man jumps from behind the bushes and had is way.
“What will you tell the Holy Father now Sister?” he asked.
“I’ll tell him I was walking through the woods when a man jumped from behind the bushes and raped me twice, unless you’re tired.”

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One of the first "dirty" jokes I heard when I was 10

So Jane sees Tarzan sneaking off one night and goes investigating. She follows his trail and finds him furiously humping a tree-trunk that has a curiously well-used looking hole in it. Initially disgusted, she's mollified thinking, "At least he wasn't doing it with other animals like everybody else ...

A police officer was driving through an empty freeway in the woods one day, when he stumbled upon the corpse of a large animal laying on the side of a road...

A police officer was driving through an empty freeway in the woods one day, when he stumbled upon the corpse of a large animal laying on the side of a road, with a pickup truck parked nearby.

He parked his car, opened the door, and looked at the animal, a grizzly bear, with some of its limbs ...

How did Hansel and Gretel get lost in das woods?

the trail was crumby.

A man was walking through the park..

As he is walking down the trail, he notices a tennis ball in the grass. He looks around, doesn't see anybody it might belong to, so he picks it up and puts it in his pocket to take home, thinking the neighbor's dog might enjoy it. After leaving the park to walk home, he comes to a crosswalk. While w...

[Long] The FBI, Scotland Yard, and the KGB are competing to find out who is a better investigative agency.

They release a rabbit in the woods, and whoever finds it quickest is declared the best investigative agency.
The FBI agent goes in first and investigates. He follows trails, asks questions to the other animals, and sets up Wanted posters throughout the forest. He continues this for a week until ...

One day a lizard is walking through the jungle when he hears laughing up in a tree...

...He looks up, and in the tree above him he sees a monkey smoking a joint and laughing to himself.

He yells up, "Hey, you got any more of that?"

The monkey says, "Sure man, come on up!"

So the lizard climbs up the tree to the monkey and they start smoking. After three joints, ...

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A fly is hovering six inches above a lake.

Under the water, a fish is sizing up the fly. "If that fly would just drop six inches, I could eat it," it thinks.
On the shore of the lake, a bear is eyeing the fish. "If that fly drops six inches, the fish will go for it, and I can catch the fish while it's distracted."
On top of a nearby hi...

In 1860, a man was given the job of teaching English to Indians (as they were called at the time).

He takes one of the Indian tribesmen out to the woods and is pointing things out and saying the word for it. "Tree. Stream. Rocks."

They go around a bend and right there in the trail there's another Indian humping a squaw's brains out. The English speaking man turns red and says "uhhhh......

A woman wants to test her boyfriend

She thinks he may be unfaithful, so she asks her sister to help her with something.

As the boyfriend pulls up to the house and enters to find a trail of roses leading up to a closed door. He opens the door to find his girlfriends sister, laying on the bed.

"So, do you fancy it? You kn...

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Lizard is walking through the forest...

and he comes up to a large tree along the path. He looks up in the tree and sees Koala sitting on a branch smoking a joint.

"Heyoo Koala, do you mind if I climb up and try some?" Lizard asks.

"Not at all Lizard, my dude, come on up!" Koala wheezed while exhaling a ripe puff.

Liz...

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A man is shipwrecked on a deserted island...

...and spends many months alone. Just as he's reaching the point that he's starting to go crazy, he spots a ship in the distance and, all excited, lights a fire on the beach that he'd prepared for just such an eventuality.

He's overjoyed when he sees the ship change course and start heading f...

A bus filled with politicians was driving on ....

.... The country road on campaign trail. Suddenly on a turn the bus veered off and hit a tree with great force. A farmer nearby rushed in, and seeing the scattered bodies proceeded to bury them with dignity.
Police arrived in few hours and proceeded to question the farmer.
Police: "Good deed ...

A Russian scientist and a Czechoslovakian scientist...

...had spent their whole lives studying the majestic grizzly bear. Each year they petitioned their respective governments to allow them to go to Yellowstone to study these wondrous beasts.

Finally, their request was granted and they immediately flew to New York and then on west to Yellowstone...

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Swim Race

A local pool was holding a swim meet for the disabled. There were three contestants, one man had no arms, one man had no legs, and one man was just a disembodied head.

The contestants got up on their blocks and prepared for the race. The starting pistol fired and the three men dove into the ...

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Three cowboys are standing around a fire...

...trading stories about how tough and manly they are.

The first cowboy says, "Well I was ridin' the trail the other day, and was lettin' my horse rest, when a coral snake bit me on the leg. I sucked the poison out, then I roasted that sumbitch and ate him for dinner."

The second cowbo...

What do you call a pioneer smoking weed?

A trail blazer.

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Do they call me Craig the fence maker?

Bill was an American tourist in Scotland when he wandered off the trail and got lost. He wandered around for hours and was starting to worry when the sun went down. In the darkness, he saw a tiny light on top of a hill. He knew it meant civilization so he started walking towards it.

After an...

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Blind Date

I once went on a blind date my friend set up for me. I had spoken to the girl on the phone a couple of times, nothing too deep, just about our families etc. I go to pick her up and she answered the door and she was gorgeous. I said "Sara?" She said "no I'm Tara, Sara's sister. You must be Von. Come ...

Tribal Wisdom

So a cowboy is riding along a trail in the old west and sees an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. As he gets closer he hears the Indian saying to himself "Wagon...two gray horses...two passengers, man and woman...man driving" The cowboy goes "Wow! you can tell all that by just ...

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Patrick brings home his new fiancé to meet his parents.

Patrick brings home his new fiancé, Stacy, and introduces her to his parents, who are staunchly Irish Catholic and very old fashioned.

His parents and Stacy get along very well and they have a nice dinner together. After dinner, they are in the living room exchanging stories, laughs, and bee...

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Wilson runs a nail factory and decides his business needs a bit of advertising.

He has a chat with a friend who works in marketing and he offers to make a TV ad for Wilson's Nails.
"Give me a week," says the friend, "and I'll be back with a tape."
A week goes by and the marketing executive comes to see Wilson. He puts a cassette in the video and presses play. A Roman sold...

Why California is broke and Texas is not.

The governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks the governor's dog, then bites the governor. The governor starts to intervene, but reflects upon the movie Bambi and then realizes he should stop because the coyote is only doing what is natural.<...

An American backpacker stumbles upon a patch of magic mushrooms while traveling through the jungle.

He decides to make his adventure even more adventurous and eats the mushrooms.

A couple minutes later, everything starts to seem vibrant and oddly colorful.

He starts to hallucinate.

He follows what appears to be a trail and runs into a French chameleon.

The chameleon s...

The Old Coffin

A man was walking home one day after a long day of work. As he was walking, he came up on a old coffin laying on the side of the trail. He thought it was odd because it was a old pine box coffin and he had never seen one in person before. The man shrugged it off and kept walking.

The man kept...

Did you also hear...

... about the cowboy who bought a dachshund. He heard the trail boss say to “Get along little doggie”.

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Three drunk guys, Tom, Dick and Harry decide to rob a grocery store.

They somehow force into the closed store and start making a ruckus inside. However they are seen and the police are promptly called, by a bystander. An equally drunk police officers arrives at the scene. When the guys find out, they decide to wait it out in the back-room and proceed to it, upsetting...

Fresh Foot Prints!

A Californian went out to follow up a grizzly bear and was gone three days. Then he turned up without his game.

“Lost the trail, Bill, I suppose”, said one of his cronies.

“Naw, I kept on the trail alright “

“Then ,what is the matter?”

“Wall, the footprints was getting to...

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