UPJOKE
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What do you call the trail to the insane asylum?

A psychopath

After my retirement at the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas...

... she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

She's like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter,...

My friend Jennie broke her femur a couple days before the trail relay race.

So her husband Andy had to fill in for her leg.

A lone traveller, weary and famished from days on the road, stumbles across an old inn on a desolate mountain trail.

His eyes light up as he sees light coming from the windows, realizing he is about to enjoy his first hot meal in weeks.

He bursts through the doors of the inn and finds it bustling with activity. Every table is packed with patrons merrily drinking and feasting.

The traveller searches ...

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You meet a man on the Oregon Trail. He tells you his name is Terry. “Terry?!” you say laughing, “Terry’s a girls name!” Without any hesitation, Terry pulls out a gun and shoots you dead.

You have died of dissin’ Terry :(

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Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, each telling tall tales.

The first one says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. The other day a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns with my bare hands."

The second cowboy says. "Why that's nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a f...

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Ricky returns to work after an Egyptian vacation wearing shiny new crocodile boots.

He struts in with pride, walks over to his friend Doug’s desk and SLAMS a foot down right atop a pile of documents.

Doug’s stunned at first but his eyes light up as he focuses in. “Where do I buy me a pair of those?” He asked excitedly.

“Well, I’m not entirely sure...” Ricky trailed ...

Vow of Silence

Everything is going wrong in this guy's life, and he has done bad things he is ashamed of, so he wanders off and ends up in a monastery, and begins vow of silence. The head monk simply looks at him, hands him his robes, and points to a cell. It is very hard for him, not communicating with anyone, an...

I Went To a Cemetery Today

With my grandparents. I have been before, and there are such beautiful flowers planted and some pretty hiking trails that go behind the cemetery. I was telling my grandparents about it, and my grandmother said in the most excited tone “I’m just dying to get in there!”

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Swim Race

A local pool was holding a swim meet for the disabled. There were three contestants, one man had no arms, one man had no legs, and one man was just a disembodied head.


The contestants got up on their blocks and prepared for the race. The starting pistol fired and the three men dove into...

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A truck driver and his pet parrot are hauling a load of chickens

When all of a sudden he stops to pick up an attractive hitchhiker. He swings the door open and asks, "You want a lift?" She tells him "yes! Omg thank you!" As she starts to climb on in. When the parrot exclaims, "wanna fuck?" Which she stutters, "N-nnno." The parrot screeches, "No fuck! No ride!...

I just finished my hiking playlist, it has peanuts, the cranberries and Eminem.

I call it my trail mix

You're lost in the middle of the woods at night, alone. The sky is cloudy, there are no trails, no map, no cell phone and no GPS. No sign of a city in any direction. How do you get back to civilization?

You tell an old joke out loud, wait a couple of minutes and follow any of the angry redditors shouting "repost!" back to civilization.

I was playing an updated version of Oregon Trail voiced by Terry Crews.

I made the comment that he wasn’t a good voice actor, and the game abruptly ended. Apparently, I died of dissin’ Terry.

Smell

It was a particularly tough football game, and nerves were on edge. The home team had been the victim of three or four close calls, and they were now trailing the visitors by a touch-down and a field goal. When the official called yet another close one in the visitors' favor, the home quarterback bl...

Late for school

Little Johnny is constantly late for school and what's worse is that he always has to tell a big lie explaining why.

The teacher tells the headmaster that she is fed up with his exaggerations.

The headmaster tells her to send Johnny to him the next time he turns up late.

He'll t...

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No one wanted to join me on the difficult mountain trail.

They all said it was a hard pass.

There were 3 blondes walking on a trail...

The first blonde said "Those look like deer tracks!"

The second blonde said "No those are totally moose tracks... "

The third blonde said "Nope, they are goat tracks!"

Then a train hit them

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A notorious womanizer left a trail of broken hearts behind him, until he betrayed the wrong woman - a practicing witch.

The morning after she caught him with another girl, he awoke with an itchy bump in the middle of his forehead. He thought it was a pimple, but it continued to grow to ridiculous proportions throughout the day. In a panic, he sought the advice of a physician, who examined the man and ran tests on the...

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A couple of cowboys on a cattle drive were sitting by their fire in the middle of the night

... when a bearded stranger wearing bear-skins galloped up in a cloud of dust. He was riding a longhorn bull with a brass ring through his nose.

He jumped off , punched the bull in the head to knock it out, came to the campfire, and emptied a hot pan of beans straight into his mouth then wash...

Starting a tour to see all of the area protected wines in France.

I call it the Appellation Trail

Adam and Terry woke up on the Oregon Trail with supplies for a month.

On the last week of the month, Adam fell ill. Terry on the other hand, was fine.

On the last day, Adam started to uncontrollably pester Terry because he thought Terry had poisoned him.

Terry was patient at first, but soon his patience wore thin. It didnt help that they had run out of...

A man is walking down the street with a length of string trailing behind him ...

Why are you pulling that string along ? asked a nosey cop. The mans answer? “You try pushing it”!

If mental asylums invested in walking trails for their patients,

They could really get away with calling them psycho paths.

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A cowboy ran out of food on the trail so he had to boil and eat his leather chaps.

The next day he pooped his pants.

I played Oregon trail and made fun of a guy named Terry. He stabbed me...

I died of Dissin'-Terry

I left a trail of rose petals from the front door, up the stairs, and to the bedroom.

I sprinkled some more over the bed.

I sat in the corner wearing nothing but her beautiful silk robe with a bottle of vintage wine on ice on the end table.

I heard the door open and her walking up the stairs, I wanted this to be the most romantic evening she's ever had, I was slightly...

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A police officer sees a trail of $50 notes leading to an old woman with two bags of trash.

Curious he approaches the woman and asks:

"Excuse me Mam, but one of your bags has a hole".

The woman thanks him profoundly but he, still curious, asks:

"Hope you don't mind me snooping around but where did you get all that money?"
"Well, you see Mr.Officer, I have a lovel...

I would never buy trail mix without dried fruit or chocolate.

That’s just nuts!

A man in his 80’s went to a doctor with his beautiful, breathtaking 25 year old lady.

Doctor helped the frail old man in his clinic: What can I do for you today, sir?

Old man said to the Dr: I married this beautiful angel 2 months ago, and she is pregnant with my baby. At this age, I forgot how to care for the mother, I want to seek your advice.

Doctor a little taken ...

A caravan of settlers were on the Oregon Trail

Their Indian guide repeatedly amazed them with his ability to find game and avoid hostile tribes. One day, he reigned in his horse and jumped down and put his head to the ground.
“Buffalo come,” was all he said.
“How can you know that?” Asked one of the amazed settlers.
He looked up and rep...

A cowboy's horse died on the trail so he had to walk for three days to the next town.He looked everywhere in that town but nobody had an extra horse they could sell.So he took a two day journey to the next town only to find himself in the same situation.However,he did stop by a stable and a man

Suggested he see his brother who runs a stable two days walk just south of town.He finds the stable and near death from exhaustion asks"hey mister,I hear you might have a horse for sale."The stable owner says"well I have one,but he don't look so good."The man replied"I've been walking for nearly a w...

There was this one bike trail I took and I swear, at every turn it tried to kill me.

I hope I never see that crazy cycle path ever again.

What do you put in your interstellar trail mix?

Astro-nuts

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It was spring in the old west. The cowboys rode the still snow-choked trails looking for cattle that survived the winter. As one cowboy's horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine.

The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake. "Hold on there, partner," said the snake, "don't shoot - I'm an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me, I'll give you any three wishes you want."

The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of th...

A politician visits a village on the campaign trail and asks the villagers what their needs are

“We have two basic needs, Sir” replies the village leader. “Firstly, we have a hospital but no doctor”

On hearing this the politician brings out his phone, and after speaking for a while he tells them not to worry, a doctor will be present tomorrow and asks what the second problem is.
...

You’re traveling along the Oregon trail and you meet a man named Terry.

One of your party members says, “I thought Terry was a woman’s name.”

That party member immediately dies.

What did they die from?



Dysentery

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Two friends are hiking up a trail.

Two friends are hiking up a trail in a remote area of the woods, we will call them Bob and Frank. Out of nowhere a snake leaps and bites Bob square on his penis. Panicking, Frank tells Bob that there was a village nearby and someone HAS to know what to do.

Frank finds the local medicine man ...

I was by my friends side when he died on a trail in the woods. With his last ounce of strength he reached out and put the necklace he wore everywhere in my hands. The look on his face was desperate and serious, he really wanted me to have it...

And that's why I wear this epipen around my neck.

How come the Ghostbusters never made it very far in Oregon Trail?

They refused to cross streams.

Billy Bob and Bubba are walking down a trail when they spot a human head under a bush...

"Lookit that, Bubba!" Billy Bob says. "Ain't that cousin Jeff?"

Bubba picks up the head, raises it to his eyes, squints, then shakes his head.

"Naw," he says. "Jeff was taller."

A sweet young girl walks into an elevator at Macy's, trailing a cloud of expensive perfume.

She brags to the elderly woman who was inside, Coco Chanel $900 per ounce.

The lift reaches the second floor where the old lady is about to get off. As she steps out of the elevator, she rips out a rumbling fart. Trailing a heavy cloud, she smiles sweetly and announces, broccoli, 49 cents a p...

What kind of trails does a crazy person travel?

Psychopaths. (I hate myself)

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Why do Nature Valley Granola Bars make good trail food?

Because they go fucking-everywhere! When you eat them.

My friend is crazy, he’s constantly riding his bike on a bicycle trail.

He’s a psychopath on a cycle path.

You ever notice how a lot of girls will trail off instead of finishing a sentence?

It’s because they only get one period per month.

Three blondes are walking when they come across tracks. The first blondes says “I know these, they’re deer tracks!” The second says “No! They’re bear tracks” Finally the third speaks up and says “Your both wrong! They’re obviously fox trails!”

They were still arguing when the train hit them.

How much does a baker on the Oregon Trail pay for piercings?

A pie an ear.

Two friends are out hiking, and they see a black bear on the trail in front of them

One guy takes off his pack, takes off his hiking boots, and puts on running shoes

His friend says, “What are you doing? You can’t outrun that bear!”

The first guy says, “I don’t have to outrun the bear. I have to outrun you!”

I'm training for a marathon with my friend. Every day when we hit the trails he tells me the same thing, and it always makes me laugh.

It's a running joke.

One day, a couple of politicians were on a campaign trail.

They would drive from city to city in a bus to deliver speeches, have debates and answer questions. Then, one day, the bus didn't reach its intended destination at all. A couple of concerned voters decided to inquire as to where they disappeared to. After following the bus's intended path for a whil...

Rarely, hikers of the Appalachian trail report seeing psychic grizzlies take control of their friends, who start foraging and looking for honey...

Bear in mind, that doesn't happen very often.

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A Dwarf, a Human, and an Elf are walking down a trail.

A Dwarf, a Human, and an Elf are walking down a trail beside a stream when they stop to piss. Afterwards the human takes out some soap and cleans his hands "cleanliness is next to godliness," he says to the others. The elf takes some leaves off a nearby tree and wipes his hands with them "we elves h...

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A man is on trail for a double homicide...

The judge says, "Mr. Johnson, you're being charged with killing your wife with a hammer."

A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You son of a bitch!"

The judge continues, "You're also being charged with killing your mother-in-law with a hammer."

The same guy at the ba...

A woman walks into the Social Worker's office, trailed by 15 kids

WOW, the social worker exclaims, Are they ALL yours?

Yeah they're all mine, the flustered mother sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. She says, Sit down Terry. All the children rush to find seats.

Well, says the social worker, 'then you must be here to sign up. I'...

Some guy on the Oregon Trail makes a joke at the expense of Terence, a known outlaw.

He died of dissin' Terry.

What do you call walking trails behind a mental facility?

Psycho-paths

What's the secret to your happy marriage?

The future son in law asks his future father in law.

He replies:

Well son, I took my new wife to the Grand canyon for our honeymoon. We rented mules to go down into the canyon. About a ¼ mile in the mule my betrothed was on steped into a hole on the trail and almost threw her. She whis...

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An old man was sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm

He yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"  Boy yells back "Roll of chicken wire."  Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"  Boy says "Gonna catch some chickens."  Old man yells "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"  Boy just laughs and keeps walking.  That evening at suns...

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Walking a trail, I hear the tell-tale sound of a rattlesnake, and stand stiff as I stare it down and remember the words of my old scout master, "Remember, it's more afraid of you than you are of it."

Considering only one of us pissed themselves, I'd say he's wrong.

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I don't know why guys call the hair between their belly button and genitals their happy trail.

I call mine the trail of tears, because the end only offers disappointment.
Also because countless Native American women and children died there.

When you're on the Oregon Trail don't make fun of Terrance, or he might kill you.

You don't want to die of dissin' Terry.

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Cold hands

A young man picks up his girlfriend on a very cold winter day in his fathers sleigh. They go for a ride on a trail though the forest.

After they travel a few miles, the boy abruptly stops the horse and says, "my hands are so cold." 

The girl says "put them between my legs and I'll wa...

Did you know the original programmer of Oregon Trail was beaten to death by mentally ill Discworld fan?

He died of dissin' Terry.

Did you hear about the CRAZY paved trail?...

It's a "Cycle-Path"

Have you guys had the new Lance Armstrong Trail Mix?

There's only one nut in the bag.

Why is a woman thru hiker like a hockey player?



They both go three periods before taking a shower.



\-- I was told this joke by a woman thru hiker while hiking the Pacific Crest Trail.

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Why was 6 afraid of 7?

I've told this story to many naive greens before me, so self-absorbed in their own notions of human conflict and the meaning of war. Whenever I finish the tale they're always pale as Lyndon B's corrupt lyin' ass. I can't blame 'em. This story kept me up throughout my whole deployment in those damn j...

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One old man telling another old man a story...

“Did I ever tell you about the time I encounterd a grizzly bear?”

“If you did, I don’t remember.”

“Well, I was walking along this trail when out of nowhere, a grizzly bear jumped out at me! AAAAHHHH!”

“Wow! So what happened?”

“I crapped my pants.”

“Well, that’s und...

Did you hear about the road made of body parts?

They call it the Organ Trail

Why wasn't drinking permitted on the Oregon trail?

It was important not to fall off the wagon.

A man is driving down a country road

He glances out the window and sees a chicken running along side the car. He does a double take, and notices that not only is the chicken running right along his car, the chicken also has three legs!


Shocked, he looks at his speedometer and sees he's going 35 miles an hour.


He ...

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A juggler gets pulled over for speeding...

The cop approaches and asks “what’s your hurry?”

“Well”, explains the juggler, “I’m running late for a juggling performance”

The officer looks into the empty car, “I don’t see any juggling equipment... how do I know if I can believe you?”

The juggler perks up “well all my stuff...

A long time ago, on the Island of Tridia,

A group of peculiar people dwelled in peace. They were a small, peace-loving group of individuals. They were peculiar for several reasons: they were all extremely short, the tallest of them coming to a whopping meter in height; they were zealously religious, but they had no particular religion; and ...

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An American tourist is riding his mountain bike at breakneck speed down a narrow, twisting trail in the Swiss Alps

As he goes to pass a local woman tending to her farm animals in a small field, she turns and yells at him, "PIG!!!!"

The guy is a bit stunned, because the Swiss are usually polite and reserved. But he feels offended, and turns his head and yells back at her, "BITCH!!!"

As he rounds th...

My girlfriend "Dad joked" me on a hike.

I asked my girlfriend what she thought trees would sound like if they talked while on a hike.
She said "I bet we couldn't understand them"
I said "why do you think that?"
She said "because they probably only bark"
She then laughed the next half mile down the trail barking occasionally an...

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Immortal porpoises

One day Timmy has had enough. He is completely burned out, so he decides to use his saved up vacation days to go hiking in the mountains. He packs his tent and all his camping gear, and starts driving.

After many hours of driving he finialy arrives. He puts his backpack on his back and hea...

What do you call a thief that leaves a trail?

A crummy thief!

Jim and Bob are hiking through the woods, and Jim goes off the trail to take a leak.

He suprises a rattlesnake, who strikes at once, and bites him on the pecker. Jim yells over to Bob, who goes into action, and gets a local park ranger on cell phone. Bob tells the story and asks the ranger, "What do I do?"

The ranger says, "You have to try to suck the poison out of the two ...

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Paddy staggered into his house after a night of drinking. He tip-toed up the stairs to avoid waking his wife Kathleen, but tripped & fell on his rump.

A whiskey bottle in each back pocket made the landing especially painful. He stifled a yell, pulled down his pants & looked into the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut & bleeding. Quietly he managed to find a box of Band-Aids and put one on each place he saw blood. The next mo...

A blonde and brunette rob a bank

A blonde and brunette decide to rob a bank. "So you remember the plan?" the brunette asks. The blonde smiles and nods. "I'll keep the car ready.. Good luck!"

The blonde runs in, mask on, and pistol in one hand. 5 minutes pass and nothing. The brunette glances at her watch nervously. 10...

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Its 1848 and two hunters from Boston are on a buffalo hunting expedition. They've hired the famous Blackfoot tracker, Grey Owl to track and locate buffalo for them.

As they follow Grey Owl's trail, they catch sight of him just ahead.

Grey Owl has his ear to the ground, and as the two hunters get close he says, "Three wagons, each pulled by four oxen pass this spot 20 minutes ago!"

The hunters are blown away! This is amazing! One of them asks, "Can...

A man wins $100 000 at Las Vegas.

When he returns home he hides it in his backyard, only to wake up the next morning and find it stolen, with a trail of muddy footprints leading to the mute-deaf a few blocks away. Enraged, he enlists the help of the sign language professor next door, and together, the man armed, they confront the mu...

A butcher is at work, chopping up some meat when he hears the door open.

He walks to the door and sees a golden retriever with a note in its mouth. The butcher, amused, grabs the note and reads it. The note says, "I'll take a dozen sausage links. Keep the change." The butcher scoffs and is about to throw the note away until he takes another look at the dog, who is now ho...

A cowboy is camping when one morning he sees...

A cowboy is camping when one morning he sees an Indian ride by on a horse, with his wife walking behind carrying all her things by hand.

The next day, the same thing, the Indian rides by on his horse with his wife trailing behind carrying all her things by hand.

On the third day, the ...

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TV ad for Benson's Nails

Benson runs a nail factory and decides his business needs a bit of advertising. He has a chat with a friend who works in marketing and he offers to make a TV ad for Benson's Nails.

"Give me a week," says the friend, "and I'll be back with an ad."

A week goes by and the marketing execut...

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Old one I’ve never seen here before: A guy is over-endowed

His extremely large penis has actually been a curse to him; women see it and refuse to try. Desperate, he hears of a witch who might be able to help him so he visits her and explains his problem.

“Indeed I know of something that could help you” she says, “It’s easy and painless. Behind my ho...

Wife Missing?

The first thing a grieving husband should do is CALL THE COPS!

Husband: "My wife of 15 years is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home!"
Sheriff: "Height?"
Husband: "I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall."
Sheriff: "Weight?"
Husband: "Don't kn...

A couple is hiking when they see a set of tracks...

"Look" says one, "a father and his kids are on this trail." The other asks "how do you know it is the father? It could be mom."

"Nope. Definitely the dad...see the Pa prints?"

When hiking near bears...

...you should always wear a bell around your neck and carry a can of extra strength pepper spray.

To figure out what type of bears are near your trail, you can examine their droppings.

Black bear droppings are a dark colour and may contain plant material.

Grizzly bear droppings...

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For the last time, NO! NO! NOOOO!

So, there's this man. He's young, healthy, reasonably attractive, good job, etc.

Only problem is, he has a 25 inch penis. This might might sound great if you're a 12 year old, but it soon becomes the bane of his existence. Every time he meets a nice lady, eventually things lead to the bedroom...

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A man appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered.
"Once, on a trip to the famous trail, I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So,...

Two Leprechauns Knock on the Convent Door (long)

The Mother Superior opens the door and the first leprechaun doffs his hat then stammers and stutters, "T-t-t-top o' the mornin' to ye, sister!"

She replies, "Top o' the mornin' to you, Seamus. What can I do for you this morning?"

"W-w-w-w-well, sister, I-I-I-I'd b-be after a-a-a-a-ski...

A joke by Max Millar that got him banned from the BBC for 5 years in 1944

"I met a beautiful woman on a mountain trail. I didn't know whether to block her passage or toss myself off."


Reference: QI, S18E01

Three mathematicians have known each other for years.

An engineer, a physicist, and a statistician, they decide to go bow hunting one season. While on the trail, they spot their first buck. The physicist run some calculations, decides that air resistance is negligible, and aims accordingly. His arrow falls short by 20 feet. The engineer runs some more ...

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Appolcolypse

A zombie apocalypse had enveloped the earth. 99.9% of the world’s population had been annihilated and Carl, lone survivor, was venturing the land looking for somewhere to take shelter.

One day, he came across a prison. The place was full of people armed with swords, spears, axes and all kin...

King of the jungle

One beautiful morning Leo the Lion wakes up in his den, gives a big morning roar, stretches and starts off for the watering hole.

On his way he comes across a monkey sitting on a rock. Leo grabs the monkey, gives him a slap and asks "who's the king of the jungle"?
The monkey says "You are ...

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A Siberian joke about a bear

A tourist comes to Siberia for a hike, but wishes to be safe from bears. A local man proposes him to buy a whistle

Tourist: But how do I use it?

Local man: Whistle, the bear will flee, and keep away from bear trails.

Tourist: How do I know where are the trails?

Local ...

[NSFW] Oregon has legalized cocaine for a small amount.

They called it "The Oregon Trail".

A cowboy walks into a livery stable and asks for a horse...

"I need a horse, but I'm short on cash. What can I get for $25?" the cowboy asks the owner.

"Well, for fifteen I can give you 'ol Bill. He's seen a few years but he's still a fast horse" replies the owner.

"Why so cheap then?"

"Well, he ain't so good at listening. You see, he ge...

I can’t bear it

A Russian scientist and a Czechoslovakian scientist had spent their whole lives studying the majestic grizzly bear. Each year they petitioned their respective governments to allow them to go to Yellowstone to study these wondrous beasts.

Finally, their request was granted and they immediately...

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Ryan Gosling went to live in Saudi Arabia for a year.

He and a local Saudi girl fell in love.

The girl would secretly sneak out of her house in the middle of the night without a male companion to hangout with Ryan. They would go to Ryan's place and make love for the whole night. Ryan would drop her back before the dawn. She would quietly sneak i...

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A man named Melvin works for a toothbrush company.

Year after year, he can repeatedly sell the most toothbrushes out of everyone who works for the company, at least tripling the the amount of sales the guy trailing him has made. No one knows how he does it.

One day, Melvin's boss calls him into his office.

"What is it, boss?" Melvin as...

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