My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot.

It got so bad, I finally had to take his bike away.

Bob the sheepdog was getting the sheep in for Farmer Fred. He completed his task and went bounding over to the Farmer shouting “Farmer Fred, Farmer Fred…. I chased 40 sheep in to the yard for you”. “40 sheep?” queries Farmer Fred. “I’ve only got 37”

“I know” says Bob. “I rounded them up”

Once I was chased by a serial killer.

We were both running for my life.

I got chased by a mugger the other day trying to steal my wallet.

Halfway through the terrifying ordeal, I couldn't help but think to myself, "He's giving me a good run for my money.

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I don't know why Epstein had to chase after young girls. I'm sure grown women were impressed by his dick size.

After all, he was hung.

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Long. A little white rabbit is being chased through the forest by a bear.

As they are running, they both trip over a magic lamp. The genie pops out and looks at the two.

“Since you both touched the lamp, you will both get 3 wishes,” says the genie.

The bear starts jumping up and down waving its paws and says “Oh, oh, oh, me first! I wish all the bears in thi...

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A castrated dog chases a cat

The cat climbs up a tree and says :
"You don't have the balls to kill me! "

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were being chased by an axe-murderer...

when they stumbled upon an old abandoned warehouse. Deciding that it was the safest place to hide, the three women entered the warehouse.

Along the back wall of the warehouse were three empty potato sacks laying on the ground. Thinking on their feet, each women got into a sack to hide from c...

What steps would you take if a bull chased you?

Big ones.

A bodybuilder and a Blonde

The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says, "What a great chest you have!"

He tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby."

He takes off his pants and the blonde says,' "What massive calves you have!" The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby."
<...

Quasimodo was running down the street chased by a group of kids.

He said, "For the last time, I haven't got your football."

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A man goes to a doctor....

He says I don't know if my wife has TB or VD. The doctor says Chase her around the bed. If she coughs, fuck her.

—Gilbert Godfried

Bear joke my co-worker told me

So a man and his three friends are sitting in a bar, one of them says to the others

“im the greatest bear hunter there ever was”

2 of the 3 friends disagree and say

“no way i am”

an argument breaks out until the 4th man who said nothing pipes up and says

“i ha...

If you’re being chased by a police dog,

“If you’re being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They’re trained for that!”

A woman hailed a taxi cab...

She gets into the cab and tells the driver the destination. In the cab with her was a police officer who just finished his shift.


3 blocks away from her destination the woman realized that she left her wallet at home. At the next stop light she decides to make a run for it.


T...

What a strange day indeed

What a strange day this has been: First I found a hat full of money. Then I was chased by an angry man with a guitar

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A man walks into a bar

He goes up to the bartender and asks him if he likes to gamble.

The bartender says, "Sure, I'll take a bet. What's your action?"

The man offers a $50 bet that he can bite his own eyeball. The bartender, thinking it's easy money, accepts his bet, and is shocked when the man removes his ...

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One time I was in Amsterdam and I decided to go to the Red Light District

As I was walking by the sex shops and back alleys I ran into a man in a suit who said
_"Hey! You lookin' for a good time?"_
So we got to talking and he eventually cut to the chase and said
_"Look you have two choices, our cheapest prostitutes can be had for a cent but our finest will run ...

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Simon the prawn is sick of being chased by the other creatures in the lagoon.

He prays to god to make him into a fierce shark and turn the tables on his enemies.


The next day simon has been turned into a Great white shark and has great fun chasing all his enemies round, but soon starts to enjoy bullying all the other creatures too.

After a few days the no...

What's the difference between chasing a car on foot or being chased by a car on foot?

If you're chasing a car you eventually get exhausted

If you're getting chased by a car eventually you get tired

My dogs chase people on bikes

Never get your dogs from the circus

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A kid gets back from his field trip to the zoo where his dad is at the school waiting for him

Dad - “hey son how was your trip”

Son - “it was so cool I got chased by a lion”

Dad - “omg son what happened”

Son - “I saw it chasing some so I ran as fast as I could”

Dad - “and then what happened”

Son - “right as it was catching up, it slipped!”

Dad ...

A man crashed and burned to death last night during a police chase.

He was incarcinerated.

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A lion sees a spring running while wandering through the jungle.

He leans in to take a drink, head down, rear up and his tail swaying in the air. A gorilla wanders by and gives the lion the old Liberace and runs off. The lion gives chase through the jungle. The gorilla comes upon a campsite at the edge of the jungle and dashes into a tent. He grabs a hat, puts it...

A Czech and a Pole go hiking

They wander upon two bears having relations. They try to run but the bears easily chase them down and eat them. A ranger hears the commotion and runs in and shoots the bears. Police arrive and they dissect the female bear and find the Pole. The ranger sighs and says, "Well, I guess the Czech is in t...

Two boys play in a stream

Two boys are bored on a hot summer day, so they decide to go down to a local stream to play and cool off. They’re walking down the trail through the woods when they notice there’s somebody in their normal play spot. Curious, the boys sneak closer to the water and hide behind a bush as not to be seen...

Whats round and green and chases sheep?

A Melon-collie!

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A redditor with three sons remarries

The boys have never had a step mother before. So they spend 19 hours researching pornhub, to learn how step mother/son relationships work. When their father goes to work the next day, the first son starts furiously jerking off with his bedroom door wide open. His new mother sees him, screams, and r...

A man, a dog, and a cow were on a cruise when their ship sank.

The man, the dog, and the cow were the only survivors. They swam to a deserted island covered with a thick jungle.

They started to explore the jungle. There was enough food in the jungle to feed the three of them, and the man could build a shelter out of the trees. "We can live here for years...

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Soon after 9/11, an Arab leaves behind a suitcase at a train station

Standing nearby is a blond-haired blue-eyed white man who immediately notices this. He walks up to the suitcase and the zipper's not completely closed, so he takes a peek inside.

He sees electronic gizmos, what looks like a timer, and a huge pile of cash. He grabs the suitcase and chases down...

A scientist and a philosopher are being chased by a hungry lion.

The scientist makes some quick calculations and says, “It's no good trying to outrun it. It's catching up!”


The philosopher keeps a little ahead and replies, “I'm not trying to outrun the lion, I'm trying to outrun you!”

A Secluded Beach Spot

I was at the beach with my wife the other day and we took a walk around an area with some pretty big rock bluffs and boulders and things. It was really nice, and surprisingly secluded for the area. Nobody was around but a bunch of seagulls. Terns, actually, my wife corrected me.

We find a spo...

What did the german say when he wanted to chase someone with a piece of bread?

Gluten tag

I've said this joke so many times to my friends I get to "do you wanna" and they just stop me

Two rabbits were being chased by a pack of wolves.........?

Two rabbits were being chased by a pack of wolves. The wolves chased the rabbits into a thicket. After a few minutes, one rabbit turned to the other and said, "Well, do you want to make a run for it or stay here a few days and outnumber them?"

Nuts chasing each other

What did one nut say as he chased another nut?



"I'm a cashew!"

A fat man sees a sign on a door: lose 1 pound for $1...

He puts a dollar in the slot and enters. There is a jogging track with a beautiful naked woman wearing jogging shoes. "Better start running" she says, beckoning him. Excited, he chases her around the track for an hour. Finally he catches her, she... ahem... rewards him... then he steps on the scale....

A killer chases a blonde, a brunette and a redhead.

The three finds three potato sacks to hide in. The killer finds the sacks and decided to poke each one.
When the killer poked the brunette, the brunette goes “meow, meow.” Then the killer pokes the red head, and she goes “bark! bark!” Finally, the killer pokes the blonde in the potato sack and sh...

Trump, Merkel and Kim Jong-un are in the Middle East being chased by ISIS:

Trump turns to them and shouts: "Stop chasing us and I'll pay you a million dollars!" The terrorists continued.

Then Merkel turns to them and shouts: "Stop chasing us and I'll give you German citizenship!" The terrorists still kept chasing.

Then Kim Jong-un turns and shouts: "You are a...

What do you get when a soviet paraplegic chases an American double-amputee?

An arms race.

Very long.

First off, let me describe to you a little creature.

There lives in the forest a little guy known as a 'Twid'. A Twid resembles nothing so much as a Smurf on psychedelics. They have punked out hair, multi-colored skin, tattoos and piercings. Also, the sole reason for a Twid's existence on th...

If you ever find yourself being chased by a pack of Taxidermists

Never play dead.

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Two Jews die and wait outside the pearly gates.

While waiting they realise that they both survived the same concentration camp.

After some chatting, one says to the other: "remember that time when the guard pushed you onto the electric fence and you almost died?" A second of silence passes and suddenly they both start laughing hystericall...

Do you know what happened to the guy who tried to chase a car?

He was exhausted.

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A DEA agent stopped by my farm yesterday.

“I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs”, he said.

“By all means officer, just don’t go in that field over there”, I replied.

The DEA officer exploded, saying “Do you know who the fuck I am?! I have the authority of the federal government with me!”, he shouted before pul...

I was being chased by a criminal but thankfully I had some strawberry spread

I was able to jam the door shut

As Colombian authorities chased down drug kingpin Pablo Escobar, his last words before they shot him were:

"I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for you Medellín kids"

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A couple was going out for the evening. They had gotten ready, all dolled-up, dog put out, etc.

The taxi arrives and as they start out, the dog jumps back into the house. They don't want the dog shut in, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the dog out.

The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver, "He's jus...

Did you know that dogs chase their tails clockwise in the southern hemisphere and counter-clockwise in the northern hemisphere?

It’s called the Corgi-olis Effect.

My friend asked me why would you chase a girl that already has a boyfriend?

I replied I would rather compete against one guy than the whole world

Why did the cat chase the mouse?

He was in purrrrrrrrrrsuit

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Three dogs are chasing after a sexy poodle.

^^inb4 ^^flurries

Three dogs are chasing after a poodle because they desire her. They chase her down a few back alleys, and upon cornering her in a dead end, the poodle proposes something to the three.

"The one who can make me laugh with a joke shall be my lover."

Easy enough, r...

Everyone knows the story of the three little pigs... here's another version:



The first little pig was playing in the forest, when the big bad wolf

spotted him and chased him back to his straw house. The pig hid inside,

peeking out at the wolf, who looked at the house, laughed, then huffed

and puffed and blew the house down. The pig, scared witles...

As I am walking through the park and the police is stopping me asking "Does your dog chase the people on a bicycle?"

-??? My dog does not even have a bicycle

When the nurse does not listen

I went to visit a friend in hospital and was surprised to find him running terror stricken and stark naked down the corridor in the ward, chased by a nurse wielding a pair of scissors. Down the hall was the doctor, shouting " No, nurse, I said slip off his spectacles"

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You're riding a horse full speed..there's a giraffe beside you..and you're being chase by a lion..what do you do?

....get your drunk ass off the carousel.

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