Wearing a seat belt

Men: /

Women: %

One day the sheriff sees Billy Bob walking around town with nothing on except his gun belt and his boots. The sheriff says, “Billy Bob, what the hell are you doing walking around town dressed like that?”

Billy Bob replies, “Well, sheriff, it’s a long story!”
The sheriff says he isn’t in a hurry and that Billy Bob should tell the story.

Billy Bob continues, “Well, sheriff, me and Mary Lou were down on the farm and we started cuddling. Mary Lou said we should go in the barn and we did.
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

He started slowly undoing his belt from under the table. She bit her lips. Was this really happening? Here? "Fuck it" she thought, and she started undoing her own belt from under the table.

He motioned to the waiter "another round of wings please"

They smiled at each other, knowing they both had room now.

Imagine making a belt out of a bunch of $100 bills tied together

That would be a huge waist of money.

The 10th Fast and Furious film should be called....

Fast 10 Your Seat Belt.

Who wears a cowboy hat, black leather jacket with studs, cowboy boots, a big silver belt buckle, and black lipstick?

Goth Brooks

I bought a belt with a clock as a buckle.

When I put it on I couldn't read it.

What a waist of time!!!!

"How come your dad always has a belt on hand?"

"Beats me"

Some people really like Orion's Belt

But I think it's just a big waist of space.

I tried to make a belt of Joules...

It was a waste of energy.

I decided to put a bunch of 1 dollar bis around a string then wore it like a belt.

My mother called it a waist of money

They make wrist watches, and pocket watches. I finally figured out why they don't make belt buckle watches:

It's a waist of time.

Orion’s Belt

You know what I think of Orion’s Belt? I think it’s a waste of space.

Okay, that was a pretty bad joke. I’ll give it three stars.

What's the first thing that goes through your head, when you find yourself in a car accident without a seat belt?

The windshield

I asked a Black Belt if he liked karate

He said hi-Yah!

*My gf woke me up to tell me she came up with a joke and I'd figure I'd see the reception, thank you for your time*

Got the missus a new bag and belt for her birthday.

The Hoover works a treat now.

I couldn't figure out how the seat belt worked.

Then it just clicked

My father beat me with his belt..

>!.. while he was still wearing it.!<

Credit to Zack Galifanakis

I’m making a belt decorated with herbs

My friends tell me it’s a waste of thyme

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The nun and the blind man.

A nun is taking a bath and hears a knock on the door. The nun asks, “Who is it?”
A man replies, “It’s the blind man!”
Thinking, oh he’s blind what harm could it do she then responds “Come in.”
A man comes through the door with a utility belt around his waist and tape measure in hand. He loo...

There was once a hillbilly in first grade

His teacher once asked him:

"Do you know what the chicken gives us?"

"Eggs" he answered

"Correct, anything else?"

"More eggs"

"Beside the eggs, what does the chicken give us?"

"Even more eggs, ma'am"

"I'll give you a hint - it's something fluffy"
<...

King Arthur is on a mission and must leave the castle.

He worries that his wife, Queen Guinevere, may not stay faithful to him while he goes on his journey. So, he devises a belt that would poison the member of any man who attempts to have intercourse with her. The flesh will rot away, and it will need to be chopped off. With everything in place, he lea...

Jim and Mary were both patients in a mental hospital

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into
the deep end.
He sunk to the bottom and stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he i...

One more notch on his belt.

The Corona Virus wears a mask out of fear of Chuck Norris.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A dude sits in a pub, watching this guy guarding a stretch of floor.

Every so often somebody tries to cross it when he socks them in the face and sends them staggering backwards. The stretch he's guarding is so long that he has to leap backwards and forwards along it, building up a sweat.

Perplexed, the dude watches while this happens six times, and in the end...

I spent $80 on a belt that didn't fit...

My wife said it was a huge waist.

I invented a utility belt that holds one type of spice.

Everyone told me it was a waist of thyme.

Wrestling is so stupid;

men with no pants, fighting for a belt.

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.....

...in a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

"Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

* The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
* The bouncer is a blonde girl.
* I'm a 6...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I am a black belt in Mexican Judo...

Judo know if I have a knife. Judo know if I have a gun. Judo know shit, guey.

Blind/blonde joke

A blind guy walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink. After a while, he asks the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bartender replies, "Sure, but before you start you should know, I'm blonde. The woman on your left is a blonde, and the man on your right has a black belt in karate and ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The worst part about getting caught jerking off at work is having to explain the belt wrapped around your neck to the new intern.

Was too high on nitrous and forgot to lock my office door...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Knight and the lady (NSFW)

There was a knight married to a beautiful lady. One day, a crusade is called and the knight is forced to leave his castle and head off to the crusades. Before he goes he arranged for his wife to wear a chastity belt, to ensure that none of his servants try anything with her in his absence. Yet this ...

My friend drowned, so at the funeral we got him a wreathe in the shape of a life belt

It’s what he would have wanted.

I saw an oversized belt in the trash but otherwise it was perfect.

I thought, "what a waist."

What did the Zero say to the Eight?

Nice belt.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Blonde Helping a Trucker

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down……

The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"

"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"

"Not for me. I'll be spending th...

An Engineer goes to Hell.

The first thing he notices is, it's awful hot. So he goes and checks the A/C system, and notices a missing belt. He replaces it, and soon it's a cool 78F.

The next thing he notices, is that all the TVs are showing nothing but static. He checks the satellite dish, and sees it's misaligned. He...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So this guy is talking to his buddy about his flying lessons.

My first time in the air, my instructor informed me but he was an 8th degree black belt and homosexual, and if I don’t succumb to his sexual advances I would have to jump out of the plane.

His buddy says "well did you jump?"

The guy says yeah, a little at first.

A Corvette is pulled over for speeding. At the wheel is a 40's guy and in the other bucket seat is his wife, quietly crocheting an afghan.

The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 mph, sir." The driver says, "Sorry, officer, I had it on cruise control set at 65; perhaps your radar needs calibrating." Not looking up from the afghan, his wife says sweetly, "Now don't be silly dear, you know very well this car doesn't even have cruise contr...

You ever misplace your belt when you're in a hurry?

I was rushing to work this morning and I couldn't find my belt for the life of me. I really couldn't leave without one so I thought "Hey, I have a lot of watches so maybe I could MacGyver a belt from these!" Well let me tell you... when I got to work I was fired for one, being late, and two, looking...

A joke my Dad told me (Long)

A man's car breaks down in the middle of nowhere surrounded by fields on a sunny day. He lifts up the bonnet of the car and checks the engine, but can't find the problem.

He hears: "Check your fan belt"

Looking around, he finds nobody around him and thinks the heat is getting to his he...

I told my friend I was an origami black belt? He laughed..

He wasn't laughing any more when I folded him into a &@#%ing yacht...

I think belts make people really attractive.

They can turn a 1 into a 10.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It’s a post office workers last day delivering mail.

At each of the houses he gets a little present.

At one house, a lady opens the door only wearing a garter belt and stockings.

She gives the mailman a long kiss, walks him upstairs and gives him a ride to remember.

Afterwards, she makes home a nice lunch and gives him a dollar bi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A king is about to go on a journey...

...and he gathers his knights. He informs them that he is leaving seven men to guard his queen. He tells these seven knights Ive given my queen a chastity belt. When I return the man who didnt try to sleep with her will be my trusted general and advisor. Upon the kings return he gathers the seven an...

I have a watch on my belt.

It's so your mother isn't late to work.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Becoming White

A 5 year old African American wanted to see what it was like to be white so he covered himself in sugar. He went up to his mother and said “look mama I’m a white boy now!” and she punches him in the face and he then goes to his father and says “look pops I’m a white boy now!” and he takes off his be...

I was at the nightclub and a lady said "That is a nice looking belt buckle"

I told her "Thanks, but it will look even better pressed against your forehead."

A man was helping his friend clean out his garage.

He noticed an amazing looking belt in the garbage can. It was black, with numerous stars and galaxies etched into it in intricate detail.

"Why are you throwing this out?" He asked.

His friend replied, "It is just such a waist of space."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My father caught me jerking off to porn. Shocked, he took off his belt

pulled down his pants, and he joined.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Post-humor

A country man milks a cow. Only the bucket was half full the cow jerks its leg and knocks over the bucket. Then the man found some rope and standing on a stool tied the cow by the leg to the crossbar on
the ceiling.

When the bucket is half full again the cow kicks the bucket again and it o...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day, King Arthur had to leave Camelot to go for a diplomatic hunt. Worried about his wife's potential infidelity, he asks Merlin to fashion her a chastity belt...

Merlin assures the king that anything that is put through the hole in the chastity belt will be immediately cut off with magic.

Satisfied, King Arthur goes on his hunt. When he returns several days later, he immediately goes to the Knights of the Round Table and asks all of them to drop thei...

I went on a diet so I could wear a watch instead of a belt!

Total waist of time.

A married couple touring Israel sat outside at a Bethlehem sidewalk cafe, waiting for their friends. A peddler approached them, his arm loaded with belts.

After an impassioned sales plea yielded nothing, he asked where they were from. “America,” the husband replied.

Looking at her dark hair and olive skin, the Arab responded, “She’s not from the States.” “Yes, I am,” said the wife. He pointed to her husband and asked her, “Is he your husband?” ...

A new group of auto thieves have been pickpocketing keychains clipped to tourists' bags and belts.

Authorities say to be on the lookout for these Pirates of the Carabiners.

Brave Knight Edward is going to crusade

He doesn't know if he will ever come back or not. So, he puts on an iron chastity belt on his wife, gives the key to his best friend Micheal and says,

"If I don't come back in 3 years, set her free". Michael agrees and brave Knight Edward sets out on his big black horse. He gallops toward th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No! It's.........

My dad's belt! ^Oh ^shit

My overweight uncle spend months making a belt out of used pocket watches.

When he finished it, he realized it was a huge waist of time.

Ovinophobic drunk dad comes home late at night, belt in hand.

I pretended to be asheep.

There was once a tailor in London renowned for his expertise and craftsmanship.

One day, a very rich, very round man entered his store carrying a heavy bag. The man immediately approached the counter and, much to the surprise of the tailor, dumped out the contents of the bag, which turned out to be a pile of expensive Rolex watches.

“Good sir, I would like to have a suit...

If you've spent ages figuring out how to put herbs and spices on your belt loop...

...you've waisted thyme.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I get SO ANGRY whenever I see someone with their wallet chained to their belt

I can't fucking take it

No matter how hard I try and buy supermarket conveyor belt dividers...

...the cashier keeps on putting them back.

Did you hear about the guy who spent six months making a belt out of watches?

He said it was a waist of time.

(as told to me last night by my 10 year old).

Why did the belt go to jail?

He held up a pair of pants.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A blind man walks into a biker bar andvorders a beer

While supping on his beverage, he asks the barmaid if she would like to hear a blonde joke.

The barmaid, in a rather gruff tone says
"Listen here sir, because of your disability, i will warn you now, im 6'2", weigh 300 LBS and lift weights in my free time. Im also blonde, the young ...

When I was a kid and got into trouble, my dad would bring me to the garage and whip me with a belt.

Along with the alternator, and water pump too.

Breaking news!

Corona Virus claims a black belt. Chuck Norris, Dead at 80.

Carlos Ray “Chuck” Norris, famous actor and fighter, died yesterday afternoon at his home in Northwood Hills, TX at the age of 80.

Chuck Starred in dozens of movies and Tv series which have, and continue to entertain millions ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman checking out at the register of the grocery store puts bacon, milk, frozen peas, butter, and a can of soup on the conveyor belt. The man behind her in line see all this and says: “You must be single.” “Why, yes, I am, how did you know?” she asks.

“Cause you’re the ugliest woman I’ve ever seen in my entire life,” he says.

A crusty, old pirate walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender notices a giant ship's wheel protruding from his belt buckle.

As the bartender sets down the drink, his curiosity gets the better of him, so he says, "Hey, forgive me for staring, but I couldn't help but notice that giant ship's wheel on your crotch. What's that all about?"

To which the pirate replies, "Aye matey, 'tis no real mystery you see, but it's ...

Needed to punch another hole in my belt.

I gave it my awl.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An airline pilot, who didn't realize his microphone was live, said to the co-pilot:

"Man I could sure use a hot cup of coffee and a blow job from that red-headed flight attendant!"

That statement was heard throughout the plane and the furious red-headed flight attendant unbuckled her seat-belt and stormed off toward the cockpit.

Seeing this, a passenger shouts, "Miss!...

My father never hit me but when I was bad he would take off his belt...

And then he would take off his pants. Needless to say, I didn't like the way I was reared.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I forgot to put the seat belt on my five-year-old boy this morning and as we were leaving the trailer park, somebody shouted, "You're an irresponsible father!"

I shot back, “Who the fuck said that?! Stop the car, son!"

What causes black-belt heart attacks?

Karated arteries

Bought my wife a matching bag and belt for Valentine’s Day.

She should be able to fix the vacuum cleaner and get it running now.

Why do Americans become fat by choice?

So they can add more bullets to their ammo belt.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.