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Belt Jokes

I was checking out at supermarket today when I noticed the man in front of me put only one thing on the conveyor belt...

A box of condoms. Not only did he notice me staring but decided to make super uncomfortable eye contact.

So to lighten the mood I put my bottle of ketchup on the belt and said "looks like we've both bought something to put on our sausages"

Some people really like Orion's Belt

But I think it's just a big waist of space.

I spent over 3 hours making a belt out of herbs, but in hindsight...

it's just a waist of thyme.

Wearing a seat belt

Men: /

Women: %

I put all my watches together to make a belt

It was a waist of time

What do you call a belt made out of lobsters?

A waist of good seafood

I know it’s bad but I heard it in a dream and had to share

My wife suddenly started wearing a chastity belt for reasons unknown

I can't quite put my finger in it

If that’s Orion’s belt….

Where’s his pants?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day, King Arthur had to leave Camelot to go for a diplomatic hunt. Worried about his wife's potential infidelity, he asks Merlin to fashion her a chastity belt...

Merlin assures the king that anything that is put through the hole in the chastity belt will be immediately cut off with magic.

Satisfied, King Arthur goes on his hunt. When he returns several days later, he immediately goes to the Knights of the Round Table and asks all of them to drop thei...

Bought my wife a new belt and bag for Valentines day,

The vacuum works just fine now.

Why did the second degree black belt go to jail?

He held up a pair of pants.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I get SO ANGRY whenever I see someone with their wallet chained to their belt

I can't fucking take it

What's the deal with Orions belt?

Waste of space!

Bad joke? Okay okay

3 stars

One day the sheriff sees Billy Bob walking around town with nothing on except his gun belt and his boots. The sheriff says, “Billy Bob, what the hell are you doing walking around town dressed like that?”

Billy Bob replies, “Well, sheriff, it’s a long story!”
The sheriff says he isn’t in a hurry and that Billy Bob should tell the story.

Billy Bob continues, “Well, sheriff, me and Mary Lou were down on the farm and we started cuddling. Mary Lou said we should go in the barn and we did.
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My father caught me jerking off to porn. Shocked, he took off his belt

pulled down his pants, and he joined.

The King was leaving his castle to fight in the Crusades. He left the key to his wife's chastity belt with his most trusted knight.

"God commands that I fight, but not even he can promise that I will return. If I die fighting in these holy wars, I leave it to you to release my wife to marry again." The king mounted his horse and rode off the horizon.

As he nearly rode out of sight, he turned back and looked at his kingdom...

The Knight and the chastity belt

Once upon a time a king was going off to war with his army. But he was worried about his wife's safety while he was away

"Sir Roger, you are my most trusted knight. I'm going to ask you to protect the Queen while I'm away. Here's the key to her chastity belt. It's only to be opened in case I ...

I spent yesterday afternoon making a belt out of watches,

It was a complete waist of time

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I met this sexy woman on a conveyor belt.

You know what it's like, one thing led to another.

I once made a belt out of $100 bills

Turns out it was just a waist of money

I tried to make a belt with a clock in it, but the belt was too big and the clock broke.

Overall it was just a huge waste of time.

If Jason Bateman were to become a black belt…

He would be known as Master Bateman.

The 10th Fast and Furious film should be called....

Fast 10 Your Seat Belt.

Conveyor Belt

A man was shopping at his local supermarket where he selected a half-gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon.

He unloaded his items on the conveyor belt to check out, and the cashier said "You ...

A police officer pulls over a speeding car.

The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir." The driver replies, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating." Not looking up from her knitting, the driver's wife says, "Now don't be silly, dear. You know that this car doesn't have cruise...

If you've spent ages figuring out how to hang herbs and spices off your belt...

You've probably waisted thyme.

I just beat a black belt at karate...

My next challenge is a green sock .

"How come your dad always has a belt on hand?"

"Beats me"

I just bought a belt made from coins.

Cost me 2 grand... it is a waste of money.

I want to invent a belt that tells what time it is.

Actually nevermind, it’ll be a waist of time.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I have got a black belt in eating pussy....

I am a tongue-fu master.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do cowboys put their name on the back of their belt?

So the trucker knows who he is fucking.

Just spent £100 on a belt that doesn’t fit.

Huge Waist.

Orion ordered a belt off Amazon.

It wasn't to his liking, so he decided to leave a review. It read, "This belt looks wonderful, but it doesn't fit well and can't be adjusted easily. I give it 3 stars."

Q: What do you call a laptop that belts out power ballads?

A: A *Dell*!

What do you call a cat in a gun belt?

Kitty kitty bang bang

I asked a Black Belt if he liked karate

He said hi-Yah!

*My gf woke me up to tell me she came up with a joke and I'd figure I'd see the reception, thank you for your time*

Did you hear about the cannibal who made a belt out of a man's intestines?

What a waist of food.

What do you call the Dr. Scholls conveyor belt used for cutting materials to various foot sizes?

*insert punchline*

What did the 0 say to the 8?

Nice belt!

D’y’ know why Batman has all those cool doodads in his utility belt: smoke bombs, grease slicks, nose plugs/filters for poison gas, breath mints?

Because he doesn’t have pockets.

A sophisticated-looking lady was returning by plane from Switzerland

She talked to the Father sitting next to her, "Excuse me, Father, may I ask you a favor?"


The priest replied, "Of course, my child, what can I do for you?"


The woman explained, "Here's my problem: I bought myself a new epilator and paid quite a lot of money for it. I thin...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Marine, A Navy SEAL, and a Delta Force member are sitting around a fire....

The marine says, "I once killed 50 enemy combatants with a single belt of my M249." The Navy SEAL says, "I wiped out an entire enemy compound with my K-Bar." The two look at the Delta Force and expect him to pipe up, but he just stares at the fire, stirring the coals with his penis.

Did you hear about the guy who spent six months making a belt out of watches?

He said it was a waist of time.

(as told to me last night by my 10 year old).

New fast and the Furious movie should be called... 'Fast 10: Your Seat belts'

Source: Wife's Facebook... made me chuckle.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Penguin blowjob

I asked a prostitute for sex but she refused because I only had $5. She instead offered me a 'penguin blowjob'.
I had no idea what it was but thought for $5, that was a pretty good deal.

She took off my belt and lowered my trousers and underpants to my ankles and began sucking. As things ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

He started slowly undoing his belt from under the table. She bit her lips. Was this really happening? Here? "Fuck it" she thought, and she started undoing her own belt from under the table.

He motioned to the waiter "another round of wings please"

They smiled at each other, knowing they both had room now.

So, these two engineers are trying to determine the height of a flagpole...

...A blonde woman wearing a tool belt and hardhat comes walking by, notices the engineers with their problem and goes over to help. She loosens the bolts at the base of the pole, lays it down on its side, then takes her tape measure and runs it down the side of the pole.

"26 feet 6 inches" S...

My dad used to beat me with his belt

while he was still wearing it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What gets long when you jerk it,fits between boobs,slides in a hole and loves to be pulled?

A seat belt you pervert

The other day I saw a pirate with a steering wheel on his belt

When I asked him about it he said “Arrgh, it’s drivin’ me nuts”

One more notch on his belt.

The Corona Virus wears a mask out of fear of Chuck Norris.

My father beat me with his belt..

>!.. while he was still wearing it.!<

Credit to Zack Galifanakis

What did Pete Townsend say when Roger Daltrey told him that he'd lost his favorite old lime-colored belt?

"Relax. It's only a green, aged, waistband."

I couldn't figure out how the seat belt worked.

Then it just clicked

What did my abusive father say to his leather belt?

Beats me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A construction foreman is interviewing three guys for a job.

He asks the first guy, "Can you take this hammer, throw it in the air, and catch it in your tool belt?"

The first guy says "I sure can!" and tosses the hammer 6 feet in the air. He catches it behind him right in his tool belt.

The foreman nods his head, and says to the second guy, "...

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, “Wanna hear a blonde joke?”

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something, our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde, Im a 6’ tall, 200lb black belt, the guy sitting next to me is 6’2”, weighs 225, and he’s a rugby player, the fella on your right is 6’5” pushing 300 and...

I have a watch on my belt.

It's so your mother isn't late to work.

Imagine making a belt out of a bunch of $100 bills tied together

That would be a huge waist of money.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Penises are like belts...

They go from hole to hole until the one that fits.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I am a black belt in Mexican Judo...

Judo know if I have a knife. Judo know if I have a gun. Judo know shit, guey.

What do you call a cardboard belt?

A waist of paper.

--

^(Credit: Shadow Warrior fortune cookie)

What causes black-belt heart attacks?

Karated arteries

Got the missus a new bag and belt for her birthday.

The Hoover works a treat now.

An old, blind Marine wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that ...

I think belts make people really attractive.

They can turn a 1 into a 10.

Needed to punch another hole in my belt.

I gave it my awl.

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