Donald Trump was asked if he could quote any Bible verses.

He replied,"Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Deport him and you do not have to feed him again."

Trump 20:16

What’s a priest’s favorite non-bible verse?

It’s not adultery if they’re not adults

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Salman Rushdie enjoyed the response to his book The Satanic Verses so much that he has written a sequel.

It will be called "Buddha, You Fat Fuck"

Today's Bible verse would be according to Psalm-

-BODY once told me

Not many people know this but there's actually a bible verse about Shrek

It's called Psalm-BODY ONCE TOLD ME!!!

A poet writes in verse.

A backwards poet writes inverse.

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Every N.W.A song

Verse 1: Sellin' crack rocks and shootin' muthafuckas!

Verse 2: Police pull me over just 'cause I'm brown.

A banjo asked a fiddle to marry him. "Don't frett," he said. "Just duet and we'll live in harmony until the end of the verse."

Six months later, the fiddle started to tip the scales. Her belly was noticeably bowed, and before you could say concerto, out popped a minor.

Daddy banjo went to the Hyundai dealer and traded in his old Accent for a brand new Sonata. Unfortunately, after just a month, mama fiddle lost her k...

What Bible verse keeps every student going?

Lunch 11:35.

A young man was in love with two women and could not decide which of them to marry.

Finally he went to a marriage counselor. When asked to describe his two loves, he noted that one was a great poet and the other made delicious pancakes.

"Oh" said the counselor, "I see what the problem is. You can't decide whether to marry for batter or verse."

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Was in the pub with a mate last week...

... and these four huge bastards started mouthing off at us.

My mate said "pretend we're the police, that'll get them to leave us alone".

I only got halfway through the first verse of "Roxanne" before they kicked the shit out of us.

Why can't you ever sing the last verse of a Swedish song?

Because it's not Finnish.

Yesterday an ISIS member stopped the car of a Christian couple

ISIS member: Are you Muslim?

Christian man: Yes, I'm Muslim.

ISIS member: If you are a Muslim, then recite a verse of Quran.

Christian man recited a verse from the Bible.

ISIS member: Ok yallah go.

Later his wife tells him: "I cannot believe the risk you just took....

Poet competition

It is a great poet competition in England. The final is coming up and only two men are on stage. On one side an Irish country pastor. On the other an American globetrotter.

The jury announces the last competition: There must be a quatrain that ends in Timbuktu. Whoever speaks first, will win....

A new pastor was visiting the homes of his parishioners

At one house it seemed obvious that someone was home but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took at a card and wrote “Revelations 3:20” on the back of it and stuck it to the door.

When the offering was taken the following Sunday, the pastor found his card had bee...

chapter 7 verse 7

GUYs i saw a catholic sister last
night and decided
to
give her a lift in my car. As the car
was
moving, then i placed my hand on
the
sister's laps pretending i was
looking for
the gear lever.
The sister cast a glance at me and
said;
Mtcheew
"matthew
chapter...

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Four Jewish brothers left home for college...

Four Jewish brothers left home for college to become a lawyer, a doctor, a hedge fund operator, and a retailer. They all prospered. Some years later, chatting after a Channukah dinner, they discussed the gifts
that they were able to give to their elderly mother.

The first said, "I had a b...

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So this kid likes this song and keeps singing the chorus excessively...

He only knows the chorus,nwhich goes “If my father was a king, my mother would be the queen, and I would be a prince.” And he sings this to himself constantly, on a loop.

One day, he’s riding in a cab and the taxi driver says, “Hey, buddy...don’t you know any more words to that song?”

...

It was scripture class time...

And as per usual, the teacher formed a circle and asked everyone to take turns reciting some verses from the bible.

“To answer before listening — that is folly and shame.”

“Fight the good fight of the faith. Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called when you made your goo...

This morning was all about Shakespeare. This afternoon it's all about his poetry.

Things are going from Bard to Verse

​

*^(Credit to my mate, Martin)*

A Buddhist, a Muslim, and a Christian all jump off from the top of a 100-floor building to prove their faith can save them.

The Buddhist jumps first. As he's falling, he chants "Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha." Sure enough, about halfway into falling down, he magically starts slowing down and he gently lands on the sidewalk. "Thank you, Buddha." he says with tears.

T...

In his later years Bruce Wayne retired and became a famous poet

Apparently, he went from bat to verse.

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One sultry Sunday afternoon in Rome

On one sultry Sunday afternoon in Rome, there was a beautiful young nun walking back home after the service in the church. The priest who was driving back home in his wagon spots the poor nun walking home in the sweltering heat. Being the gentleman that he was and a servant of the Lord, he stops by ...

How do you summarize a bawdy song?

Per verse.

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The Bible does not condemn homosexuality

The verse most people bring up is Leviticus 18:22, which says "Thou shall not lie with a man as thou would with a woman." This line has nothing to do with homosexuality.

What the verse actually means is that it's ok to lie when your wife asks if she looks fat but not when your buddy does.

Not only is Pop music disgusting by the chorus,

but also per verse.

Hidden desire

A girl at a bus stop spotted a handsome man and without hesitation went to him and said ” you look cute.. I like you.”…. The man out of shock simply placed his hand on her shoulder and said “My dear, this love and infatuation are all nothing. You are too young to be behaving like this. Pls go home a...

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A man was pulled over by a terrorist

The terrorist said " If you are not Islam, you will die"

The man raised his hands and said "I am a muslim"

The terrorist then shouted "Prove it, recite a verse from the Quran"

The man recited "But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given t...

A bride was planning her wedding

A young and nervous bride planning her wedding was terrified about her upcoming marriage.
To calm her nerves, she decided to have her mother's favourite Bible verse:
**1 John 4:18**, **“There is no fear in love; for perfect love casts out fear”**
engraved on her wedding cake. ...

[Long] A couple go to a bar during karaoke night...

and they hear a man sing to most beautiful cover of Stairway to Heaven they had ever heard. Since they were planning their wedding at this time, they approach the man after his performance.

"Wow, that was an amazing cover! Would you like to come perform at the reception of our wedding?" they...

How do creepy songwriters get paid?

Per verse

Mom's birthday gifts

3 guys, who were brothers, were all discussing what gifts they were getting for their elderly mother for her birthday.

The first brother, named Michael, said, "I bought mom her very own Lexus and chauffeur. She was always complaining about not being able to drive well."

Jeremy, the se...

Three blondes die and go to Heaven.

Stop laughing, that's not the whole joke.

They're standing outside the Pearly Gates when St. Peter comes out and says, "Welcome to Heaven. We've been having some problems with break-ins lately, so I just need you to answer one simple question, and you can get in to Heaven. What is Easter?"...

a soldier finds himself outside after night fall

A soldier finds himself outside his base of operations in a foreign country after night fall. He managed to find himself back at the main gate of entry but was unable to produce any physical evidence that he was in fact born and raised in the USA. The guard at the gate was not allowed to let anyone ...

A Roman Catholic priest, a Southern Baptist minister, and a Rabbi were all at a bar...

They were all arguing over who could convert the most followers to his respective religion.

A rather drunk man at the bar yells, "Anyone can convert a person! It takes real skill to convert a bear!"

The three religious mean agree, and set out to prove who could most effectively convert...

Our priest decided to let us play video game music in church...

...but it was Contra-verse-al.

An elderly woman had just returned

to her home from an evening worship service and was startled to find an intruder in her house.

Catching the man in the act of burglarizing her home, she yelled:

“STOP! Acts 2:38!” (”Repent and be baptized, every one of you, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven....

A Preacher

A preacher is making his weekly rounds to people's houses, trying to get them to convert. He reaches one home in the afternoon, and rings the doorbell. He distinctively hears someone inside, but no one comes to answer the door, so after waiting a few minutes of knocking and asking if anyone was home...

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Topical Jokes (5/19)

Good evening, folks! It is once again time to relay the jokes.

First up, if you're not following this story, you're missing out. The IRS scandal continues to get stickier. According to a White House insider, President Obama learned about the IRS scandal by watching TV news. As shocking as tha...

One fine day, in the middle of the night...

*This is a humours verse I've known since I was a kid. I don't know where it came from, and my googling has failed me. If anyone else knows the origin, that would be great!*

One fine day, in the middle of the night,

Two dead men, got up to fight,

One lame man, rang up to call an...

Timbuktu

Once in a quizshow. There were an Australian and a priest competing against each other. Their scores were equal, so they had to create a verse about "Timbuktu".
The priest began:
"I was a father, all my life,
had no children, had no wife.
I read the Bible, through and through.
On...

Not much of a joke but a parody of American Pie for the events happening today

I know it won't be the best and probably has been done before but feel free to continue it on since I only did the first verse.


A long long time ago

I can still remember how Reddit used to make me smile,
And I knew if I had my chance,
That I could make those people dance,
...

Did you hear the Russians tried to invent a new sport?

They had such success with [chessboxing](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chessboxing), where you box one round then play a game of chess, they tried to created another combination sport called baseball poetry. You play an inning of baseball, then compose one poem.

"Ve vere not so gut at it ven v...

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Ze Magic Octopus (Story Length)

Sorry if its long, I heard it from some dude at guitar center so if I write it wrong I apologize

There was once a Man who traveled with the local fair, portraying his Magical Octopus.

One fair a little boy cam up and said "how is he magical?"
the man replied with " he can sing and p...

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A young couple's anniversary is coming up.....

...and the girl decides to get a Beach Boys tattoo because her boyfriend is a huge fan. So she goes to the tattoo parlor and asks how much will a tattoo of a verse from her boyfriend's favorite song will cost. The tattoo artist tells her a price, which is too much for her. She then asks how much ...