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Identification Jokes

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A blond cop pulls over a blond and asks for identification.

The blond asks, “What’s that?”

The blond cop replies, “It’s the thing in your purse with your picture on it.”

The blond reaches into her purse, pulls out her compact mirror, and hands it over.

The blond cop opens it, takes a look, and says, “I’m sorry mam. If I knew you were an ...

Criminal suspect identification.

Police detective: 'What can you remember about your mugger?'

Victim: 'He was slim built, with dark hair and wore a cap.'

Police detective: 'Anything else you remember?'

Victim: 'He had a moustache, about 6 foot 2.'

Police detective: That's one hell of a moustache

A blonde cop stops a blonde motorist...

A blonde cop stops blonde motorist and asks for her driving license.

The Motorist scuffles around in her purse and can't find it. She says to the cop, "I must have left it at home officer."

The cop says, "Well, do you have any kind of identification?" The motorist scuffles around in ...

From my handwriting identification skills.

I have carefully deduced that Santa is my secret Valentine every year.

What do you call an Apple product's identification code?

A 'sirial' number.

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UNCLE CASEY'S GUIDE TO BEAR IDENTIFICATION WHILE BEING CHASED:

UNCLE CASEY'S GUIDE TO BEAR IDENTIFICATION WHILE BEING CHASED:
If you're running& running and wind up in a tree and the fucker follows you...it's a black bear.

If you're running& running and wind up in a tree and the fucker shakes you out...it's a brown bear.

If you're runni...

Not sure how the iPhone X facial identification would work for my ex-girlfriend

Because she's so two-faced

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Louisiana Highway Department employees stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer.

The man in charge told the farmer, 'We need to inspect your farm for a possible new road.'
The old farmer said, 'OK, but don't get out in that pasture over there.'
The Highway Dept. employee flashed out his identification card andsaid, 'I have the authority of the State of Louisiana to go anyw...

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Ed gets in a car accident...

Ed gets in a car accident, and dies in a fiery explosion. His body is horribly burned, and no identification can be found. The mortician needs help positively identifying his body, so he he calls Ed's two best friends.

The first friend comes into the morgue, looks at the body, and says "Wow, ...

An English Pilot is Stranded Behind Axis Lines

After a week without hearing anything from his side, he begins to despair. Just when he's about to give up, he manages to find a plane in pristine condition! After familiarizing himself with the controls, he takes off towards home, with the enemy none the wiser.

However, on the way back, he i...

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[long] A man is speeding on the highway and he hears the sudden sound of police sirens. He angrily stops his vehicle on the side of the road and rolls down his window.

The officer greets him and asks him for an identification, to which the man has no choice but to reply: “look officer, I immigrated illegally just this week so I don’t own an identification.”

The officer then asks him for his driver’s license, to which the man hastily replies:
“I- I don’t...

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Three men, Joe, Bro, and Buddy, all lived in a small town.

One day, Joe went hunting alone, and for the next few days no one heard from him. About a week afterwards, a body was found and brought into the coroner’s office.

The coroner, after thoroughly examining the body, needed a positive identification in order to verify that the body was indeed Jo...

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In hard times, a young woman turns to prostitution...

For obvious reasons, she tries to keep this hidden from her only relative, her old grandma.

One cold evening, the brothel that the prostitute works in is raided by police. All sex workers are forced to wait in a line outside to show identification and documents.

As luck would have it, ...

Three individuals go into a bar.

The bouncer said, “Sorry, if you are going any further, you need some sort of identification.”

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A guy traveling through Mexico

on vacation lost his wallet and all of his identification. Cutting his trip short, he attempted to make his way home but was stopped by the U.S. Customs Agent at the border.

May I see your identification, please?" asked the agent.

"I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet," replied the guy...

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Two Ditzy blondes...

A ditzy blonde is driving 80 mph down the highway, 20 miles over the speed limit. A ditzy blonde police officer pulls her over. The police officer asks to see her license, but the ditzy blonde driver has no idea what a license is. The officer tells her it is an identification card with her pictur...

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A man lost two buttons from his shirt and put them in his pants pocket.

But the pocket had a hole, so the buttons fell into his shoe. Unfortunately, the shoe sole also had a hole, so he lost the buttons. Since pockets with holes, holes without buttons, and shoe soles with holes are useless, the man ripped the buttonholes out of his shirt and the pocket from his pants an...

Ogden Nash and Robert Frost die and are facing St. Peter at the Pearly Gates...

St. Peter doesn't recognize them and asks for identification. They both respond that they are great poets from Earth and are surprised that they're not recognized. St. Peter challenges them - "If you're such great poets. let me hear you form a rhyme for "Timbuktu".

The poets think for a mom...

Two forensic officers were reviewing their examination the stomach of a murder victim that week.

"Another case solved," concluded the chief officer.

*"Hmm-mmm" her partner agreed.*

"Quite a simple one to work out, too." She savoured a sip of coffee.

*"Oh? How so?" queried the young man, raising an eyebrow.*

"Hmmm. The contents reminded me of my husband's attempt at t...

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Showing His Age

Retired gentlemen went to apply for social security. After waiting in line for quite a long time, he arrived at the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his identification to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he has left his wallet at home. He told the woman that h...

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Two FBI agents are investigating the murder of a young woman.

"I can't seem to find any identification on the body. No wallet, purse, phone, or other means of identifying who this poor thing was. The vic looks to be in her early twenties. Dark brown curly hair, and hazel eyes. Pretty thing." says the first FBI agent.

"We'll get this bastard, don't you w...

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Plastic horses joke

A man is admitted to the emergency room with six plastic horses shoved up his ass. He has no identification, but one of the nurses there recognizes him and calls his wife.

The doctor is reluctant at first to tell the man's wife what's wrong with him, but she says she knows he's got some stra...

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Bob gets a job at a Japanese restaurant...

In the kitchen he notices all the pots, pans, plates, etc have names stamped on them. His boss says it's for easy identification.

One day the cook asks him to go get a wok. So Bob goes into the back and grabs the first thing he can find that resembles a wok with the name "Peter" in bold lette...

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Stanley was killed in a freak explosion in his garage...

There was nothing Stanley liked better than drinking beer, smoking cigarettes, and hunting. At least twice a week, Stanley went out in the woods with his hunting buddies Cletus and Jimmy. They never shot much, but they always had a few cases handy and always had a good time. They were practically in...

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So this guy is having penis issues....

and heads to the doctor to find out what is going on. The doc tells him to drop is pants so he can have a look at the man's member. The doctor see not just a penis, but a bright orange penis. The doctor is baffled. He takes sample of the infection and sends them to the lab for identification. H...

A Lobster Walks Into a Bar

He goes up to the bartender and says: "Look, before you can serve me, I need to advise you that I'm a lawyer."

"Blimey... A lobster lawyer? That is impressive," says the bartender.

The Lobster puts his briefcase up on the bar, deftly opens it with his claws, and produces a document tha...

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Give the frog a loan.

A frog hops into a bank and approaches the teller, "Please, ma'am," he says. "I need to take out a loan so I can feed my family."

"Do you have any sort of photo-ID?" The teller asks.

"No," the frog replies. "But I do have this!" The frog pulls out a small golden elephant.

The te...

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