Jim, who was late to everything, was drafted. Sure enough, in boot camp, he was last in line to get a rifle.

When it was his turn, the quartermaster said, “I’m sorry but we’re all out of rifles.” Jim said, “How can I do the drills then?” The quartermaster replied, “Take this stick and when it’s time to shoot, yell ‘Bangety Bang Bang!’ Go get a bayonet on it and maybe it’ll look better.” But, again, Jim was...

What do you call a soldier who never made it past boot camp

A cop

New boots

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas .

Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on
sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife,
"Notice anything different about me?"
...

Christopher Reeves went to the cobbler to pick up a pair of boots he was having custom made...

...he asked the cobbler if the pair he was working on was his to which the cobbler replied, "No, wrong Christopher. These boots were made for Walken."

During boot camp training, a young mathematician is instructed to pull the pin of a grenade, count down from three and then throw.

He died by -6.

A blonde walks into a shop and wants a pair of alligator boots.

The shopkeeper tells her they do not sell expensive items to blondes.

After becoming very frustrated with the shopkeepers attitude the blonde declares. FINE ILL JUST GO CATCH AN ALLIGATOR AND GET MY OWN BOOTS!

The shopkeeper replied why don't you just try young lady with a smirk.
...

I have just come back from Boots Pharmacy...

...to get a thermometer, but was told they were sold out by 8am that morning. I was told they had plenty of barometers on the shelves, but i said sorry, i don't give in to pressure sales.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

“Hey Watson, is that mud on our boots?”

“No, shit, Sherlock.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just saw a council worker squash a Snail under his boot.

I asked him "what the fuck did you do that for?"

He replied "I'm sick to death of him following me around all day".

[NSFW] A cowboy is walking down main street in nothing but his boots and hat...

Shortly after he got into town, a sheriff stops him.

"Sir, why in the hell are you walkin down the street naked as a jaybird?"

"I can explain! See I met this girl named Sally. Well, I took her back to my place and she took her shirt off... So I took off mine. Then she took her pants of...

I went to a car boot sale yesterday and bought a box of second hand newspapers,

They may be old but they’re news to me.

In a crowded city at a bus stop, a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt, with matching tight leather boots and jacket...

As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind and unzipped her skirt a little, think...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman walks into a saloon and stands on a chair.

"Fellas! My p***y is so big that I'll give $100 to anyone who has something that I can't take."

A big cowboy gets up and takes off his size 16 cowboy boots and shoves them into her p***y.

The boots are sucked right in.

He grabs a flashlight and, that too, is sucked in.

He...

A beautiful blond woman was driving down a curvy back country road in her pink Cadillac.

As she comes around a corner, she sees an extremely large rabbit lying dead in the middle of the road. It looked to be about three feet tall. The rabbit had a blue and pink vest on. On the ground next to the bunny was a large wicker basket, and strewn about the road was an abundance of candy, small ...

I was at a local bar last night when a woman at a table a few feet away from me sneezed

I was at a local bar when a woman at a table a few feet away from me sneezed and her glass eye came out and I caught it.

I handed it back to her and she popped it in and said thank you. She was a beautiful woman. Gorgeous face stunning body and a beautiful smile to boot. The woman of my dre...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

THE BLONDE COWBOY

The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blonde
Cowboy coming down the street with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun,
And his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure.

As he is locking him up, he asks 'Why in the world are you dressed like
This?'

T...

A cop is speeding on the highway when he notices in his rear view mirror that he is being followed by an old lady.

Going over 100 mph, he realizes the civilian's car is going way too fast and needs to slow down. The cop begins to decelerate and the car follows suit. Eventually, the cop pulls over and the car pulls over as well. An old lady comes out of the car and stumbles up to the cop's window, almost tripping...

A homeless man buys a lottery ticket

He made a few £ more today than normal, so decided to treat himself to a lottery ticket.

Low and behold, he actually wins the jackpot, £5,000,000! The man could hardly believe it!

He says to himself, I have been on the streets for years, I forgot what comfortable shoes feel like, I wan...

So as predicted the economic crisis has hit my local area and all attention has turned to the hardship caused to small business. Its been a simply disastrous start to the week.....

Our bra manufacturer has gone bust.

The specialist in submersibles has gone under.

A dog kennel has had to call in the retrievers.

The suppliers of paper for origami enthusiasts has folded.

The Heinz factory has been canned as they couldn’t ketchup with orders.

A t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A little Texas joke

A young man in Oklahoma turns 21. Excited, he tells his father, “I want to finally go to Texas.”

His father warns, “Scooter, you’re a full-grown man, now. I can’t stop you from going to Texas. But I have to warn you… **EVERYTHING IS BIG IN TEXAS!** You can’t be prepared for how absolutely hug...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three cowboys are out on the range (long).

It's been a long day and all are hungry. The first cowboy rummages in his saddlebags and pulls out a strip of meat to munch on.

"Got any more of that?" asks the second

"Nope. But I can show you where to get some: the bacon-tree."

"The whut?"

"The bacon-tree. It's two hour...

A Young man comes home from boot camp is telling his dad all about it...

...He proceeds to tell him about the part of boot camp where they learn to jump out of a plane.

The son says, "Everyone was jumping out of the plane but I was too scared so I just held onto the door. We had a big, black drill sergeant that was screaming at me to jump but I just couldn't do i...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A farmer and his laborer are out on the field doing some fencing.

The laborer says: "Uhm, farmer, it looks like rain."

Farmer: "I think you're right, go get my rubber boots for me!'

Laborer: "Do I have to?"

Farmer: "Listen, as you are more standing around than working, you have to."

The laborer goes to the farm house and enters the kitc...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man's lifelong dream was to meet the pope.

For years and years, he scrimped, scrounged, and saved up all his money for a lavish trip to Italy.

Wanting to look his best for the pontiff, he had a custom-fitted suit tailored to his exact measurements and bought the finest Italian leather boots money could buy.

The next morning h...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Q: Why is Italy shaped like a boot?

A: Because you can't fit that much shit in a shoe.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Black Rider is coming!

So a man is doing Route 66, road trippin’ through through western America when he finds a bar on the side of the road that has all the makings of an old spaghetti western. He decides he needs a drink.

He swings open the doors and asks the barman for a whiskey.

“We’re about to close” sa...

I swiped right on a girl without a picture, and we matched.

So after a brief chat i went to go pick her up. I wasn't expecting much, probably 300 lbs with bad skin, but hey, I was so desperate it was this or join an incel chatroom.

I walked up to the door and lo and behold, 5'2", baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde hair, all the right curves in all the...

I was told I was going to a Military boot camp

So I showed up in Yaddas

What song did Kenny Rogers write after his cowboy boot broke?

“You picked a fine time to leave me, Loose Heel.”

I was at a car boot the other day, and saw a vintage cup with a hole in it

People were throwing prices around, like $250 and $300, but I don't think those prices hold any water.

I bought some boots from a drug dealer once.

Dunno what he laced em with but I was tripping for days.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 Cowboys NSFW

Three cowboys sat around a campfire, all exchanging tall tales about how tough they all were.

The first cowboy says “I’m the toughest of the bunch. I was out in the tall grass, looking for a good spot to take a piss. All the sudden this snake appears. And you can see in its eyes, it’s out fo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did Obama wear shoes, but Trump wears boots?

During the Obama years the shit was only ankle deep.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman walks into a Boots

And notices that the cashier was a cheerleader at her old high school. So to impress her, she decides to buy a pack of extra-large condoms, so that the cashier'll think her boyfriend has a huge dick.


She puts her items through, and the cashier scans them without a word. Disappointed at th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Farmers daughters

A farmer and his employee are working on his field.
After a while, it starts to rain.

The farmer says: "Go in my house and get my boots".

The employee runs in the house and sees the farmers twin daughters.

The employee: "Your dad told me to go in and fuck you both".

Da...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Me and my girlfriend were going to a Halloween party last year and my girlfriend came down the stairs wearing nothing but boots.

I asked her "What are you suppose to be?"

She said, "Puss in boots."

So I went into the kitchen and put a potato on my penis. When I came back out, she asked me, "Who the fuck are you suppose to be?"

I said, "If you can be puss in boots, then I can be a dictator..."

TV crew decides to visit a hundred years old man living alone in a cabin in the woods

When they go there they see he is chopping wood and carrying it all by himself. He is active and healthy and has a body of a forty year old man.

They ask him "What is your secret?" and the old man tells them a story:

"Seventy years ago, there was a huge blizzard that came out of nowher...

A Cowboy Walks Into a Saloon, Naked . . .

. . . except for his boots.

“Where your clothes at, Slim?”

“Back at the barn. I was feeding the horses when a beautiful blonde drove up. She says, ‘I wanna show you something in the barn. Follow me.’

So I followed her. She says, ‘Take off all your clothes.’ So I do. Then she tak...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the Nazi boot say to the other Nazi boot?

“We must kill all the shoes.”

So, I was driving home from work and I noticed this man at the side of the road eating grass on the verge. On the verge of throwing-up, maybe...

Anyway, I pulled up next to him and said "What are you doing man?" he replied "I'm starving".

I told him "Now, listen- there is no need to do that here. You can come to my house and eat as much as you like.".

He said "But I have a wife" so I said "that's fine she can come along too- f...

"There's a great deal of noise coming from your boot," said the policeman.

"It's my subwoofer, officer. Rather bassy isn't it?"

He frowned and said, "Sir, I've never heard a subwoofer scream for help before."

So an Army Ranger wants himself a pair of Gator Boots...

But this being an Army Ranger, he's not just going to buy himself a pair of boots, no, he's gonna make his own. So he heads down to Louisiana and makes his way to the bayou. He finds a nice little bait shop, buys himself a nice knife, and asks the shop owner where he can find himself a decent size g...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A new soldier, fresh out of boot camp, is deployed to a remote base in Afghanistan.

After about a week, the young soldier is approached by his Staff Sergeant.

"Private, how is everything?" he asks.

"It's ok sir, it's just so desolate out here. Some of the guys have been deployed here for months... there's no women anywhere... what do they do.... you know, for women...

Little Tommy was born as just a head, no arms, no legs, no body.

One day he turns to his Mom and says, “Mommy Mommy, if I’m a good boy all year and I eat all my vegetables will Santa bring me a body for Christmas?” “We’ll see!”, says Mom. The year goes by and Christmas arrives, Little Tommy wakes up bright and early to discover, right below his neck, a torso. He ...

I got booted off the plane today and put on the no-fly list.

All I did was greet my friend Jack.

Two physicists go hiking

A theoretical physicist and an applied physicist go hiking on the Appalachian Trail. Suddenly they spot a black bear running towards them. The applied physicist starts taking off his boots.

The theoretical physicist says, "It's not possible to outrun a bear."

The applied physicist say...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Australian Army Recruit sends home a letter . . .

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope you're are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin’ on the farm - tell them to get in quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don’t hafta get outta bed until 6am. B...

A joke my grandpa told me

I was in the army a few years ago i was walking by the medical tent when this guy said he got hi toes blown off by a mine and asked if i wanted to see them i agreed. He took off his boot and i puked everywhere he said what's wrong boy you lack toes intolerant

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

At Pirate boot camp

BOATSWAIN: "That concludes orientation. Any questions?"

ME: (raises rubber hook hand) "Why do they call it trimming the mainsail? Why not mast abating?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did Laura Bush wear shoes as first lady but Melania wears boots?

During the Bush administration the bullshit only came up to your ankles.

A naked man is walking through the streets in the middle of the night with nothing but cowboy boots on...

The local sheriff pulls up in his cop car.

‘’Sir, what are you doing?!’’ The cop says

‘’Well officer’’ replies the man ‘I met this sweet old lady at the bar earlier and she bought be a drink, we talked for a little bit, she told me to order another drink on her tab, so I did, she star...

An English man and an Irish man are driving head-on, at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving too fast

for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Englishman goes to the boot and fe...

Yesterday I saw a car with a boot sticker saying, “I’m a vet, therefore I can drive like an animal.”

It was at that moment that I suddenly realized just how many gynecologists there are on the roads.

To the person who has stolen my 5 tonne concrete boots and my invisibility cloak...

You can't run but you can hide

A lady went into a bar and saw a man with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen.

The woman asked the man if it's true what they say about men with big feet are well endowed. The man grinned and said, "Sure is, little lady. Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you"...?
The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him.
...

I got boots for my birthday then regifted them

It was a reboot

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man get caught by the police speeding.

The officer asked the man if he knows why he got pulled over. The man replys that he was speeding because the cars stolen and he has a big package of drugs in th boot. The officer feeling scared called for backup.

Backup arive and search the car to find nothing illegal. Then check the cars in...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After work, a man gets pulled over by a cop.

The policeman approaches the drivers' door.

"Is there a problem, Officer?"

The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?"

The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."

"You don't have one?"

The man responds, "I lost i...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The thing I love most about this fall weather is the UGG boots and yoga pants..

... Though, they do make me look a bit gay.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A redneck and an annoying stranger are sitting next to each other on a 12 hour plane ride...

The stranger is pretty well dressed and, after a few drinks becomes very loud and disruptive. He starts boasting that hes the smartest man on the plane. After a few minutes of unsuccessfully trying to get people to engage with him, a stewardess tells the stranger he needs to be quiet and stop distur...

I got some boots from my drug dealer..

I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been trippin' all day.

My grandad walked into the room with his tackle out, smothered in boot polish.

Bless him, he misheard when we told him to turn his clock back.

A sheriff walks into a bar...

A sheriff walks into a bar and says, "Has anyone seen Brown Paper Jake?  He wears a brown paper hat, a brown paper waistcoat, a brown paper shirt, brown paper boots, brown paper pants and a brown paper jacket."


The bartender says, "What's he wanted for?"


"Rustlin'."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Fancy Chicago lawyer goes duck hunting in LA (Lower Alabama) (very long)

This lawyer had heard about the exceptional duck hunting in lower Alabama so he made plans to go one year. He left his hotel early and found a good spot by sun-up. He had the most expensive equipment money could buy.

He missed a few ducks, but then shot one. It flapped a couple times and lan...

So I booted up Fortnite twice simultaneously, and it turned into a zombie survival game

It was 28 Days Later

Two Marines walk into a bar in Louisiana...

They see a guy with nice boots. Really nice boots. They ask the guy about them and he says they're alligator boots. They accept this and keep drinking. The Marines leave. The guy with the boots eventually leaves and as he's driving he sees their truck. He stops and looks for them. As he walks into ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear the story about Joe Shitter?

Did you hear the story about Joe Shitter? Poor schmuck was bullied for his name as far back as grade school. Everyone anticipated daily roll call just to hear the teacher call out his name and burst in uncontrolled laughter. Even the teachers giggled. It didn't end after school, he joined the army h...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A group of blokes were down the pub downing a few schooners.

One of the blokes goes "I don't understand. I roll into the garage all quiet. Nice and light on the breaks. Get to the door and gently move the cat. Quietly open the door head inside and shut it with hardly a sound. Take my boots off and tip toe down the hall and slip into bed and every time the wif...

You know what's easy to make? Shoe jokes.

Too bad they have no sole. They just seem to cobbled together. I'd like to boot anyone making shoe jokes from my life.


I assume you guys didn't get a kick out of that string of jokes, so I'll just sneak away.

It's kinda embarrassing, but I have a fetish for business software. So today I booted up my computer and started the dirty talk.

... unfortunately, it wasn't Intuit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A salesman comes knocking...

After a fair bit of time and some noises that sounded like stumbling about, the door opens.

Coming from the house was loud jazz flute music and the distinct smell of weed.

The salesman looked down to see a kid standing impatiently at the door with what looked to be an exhausted meth-h...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got my penis stuck in my zipper today

That's the last time I wear zip up boots

A bloke arrives at a nightclub door and the bouncers say he can't come in without a tie.

He goes to the boot of his car and gets a pair of jump leads, wraps them around his neck and goes back to the doormen.

"Can I come in now,' he says to the bouncers. 'Yeah, but don't start anything''.

Seems a guy in Texas makes a rolling stop at a stop sign, and gets pulled over by a local policeman.

Guy hands the cop his driver's license, insurance verification, plus his concealed carry permit.

"Okay, Mr. Smith," the cop says, "I see your CCW permit. Are you carrying today?"

"Yes, I am."

"Well then, better tell me what you got."

Smith says, "Well, I got a .357 revolv...

What did the one U-Boot officer say to the other U-Boot officer?

'Are you sinking what I'm sinking?'

A man and his family are driving along when they're pulled over by a policeman who informs them that they're the one-millionth car to drive past his checkout, and hands them a prize check for 1000 dollars.

"What are you going to do with your winnings?" Asks the policeman.
"I think I'll use it to finally get some driving lessons!" says the husband
"Don't listen to him, he's drunk!" Barks the wife, which wakes the mother-in-law in the backseat
Upon seeing the policeman, she exclaims "Gah,...

How does a Welsh man pleasure himself at the cliff edge with a pair of large Wellington boots?

He puts the back legs of a sheep into his boots and walks towards the edge.

Guy walks into the bar with his new boots.

One of the residents notices his shoes and comments on them.
The guy replies: 'yep, they are genuine Crocodile leather'.
He pulls his gun out of his holster and says, 'I have killed the croc myself with this gun'.
The resident is in awe and asks if he can get boots like that. 'Of course'...

Don't believe everything you hear

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Cowra.

He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator r...

A hunter shoots a deer and is pulling it back to his truck

A hunter shoots a deer and is pulling it back to his truck

A farmer passes by and says, "Hey you shot that deer on my property. That makes that deer mine."
The hunter says, "No way, I tracked it, I shot it, it's mine."
The farmer says, "Ok Ok...we'll settle this the old way."
"The ol...

A teacher was helping one of her pupils put on his boots...

He had asked for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling, and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on.

By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.

She almost cried when the little boy said, 'Teacher, they're on the wrong feet.'
...

Aligator boots

A man was on holiday in the depths of Louisiana, where he tried to buy some Alligator shoes. However he was not prepared to pay the high prices, and after having failed to haggle the vendor down to a reasonable price level, ended up shouting "I don't give two hoots for your shoes man, I'll go and ki...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A late Halloween political joke.

The president and his wife were invited to a Halloween costume party. The Donald enters their apartment and notices Melania is wearing nothing but a pair of hip boots. "What the hell is that?"

Melania looks at him and says, "It's my costume: I'm going as Puss In Boots."

Donald nods a...

A man gets pulled over by the cops, but rather than a ticket, the cop approaches him with a check...

"Congratulations!" The cop says, handing him the check "You're the one millionth driver to pass by our checkpoint. What are you going to do with your winnings?"
"Probably get my license" The man says
"Don't listen him to him! he's drunk!" Says the wife
"Heh?" Says the man's mother who...

I just caught my pecker in my zipper and man it hurts.

No more zip up boots for me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

WHY PEOPLE HATE SCHOOL RE-UNIONS

Jan, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since leaving school.

They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar.

Jan arrives first, wearing a beige Versace. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio.

Sue arrives shortly afterward, in grey...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Like my Father always said, "I put my ass kicking boots on every morning"

"Then after a long day of getting my ass kicked, I come home from work and take them off."

Doctor Frankenstein created life, via great skill with a surgeon's knife. Igor loved to say, an easier way,

Would have been knocking boots with his wife.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So, a really, really, REALLY ugly woman, ugliest you will ever see, with a terrible attitude to boot, walks into a department store...

...with her two kids in tow. The manager of the store gets close to her and asks:
"Twins?"
The mother makes a huge, contorted face, and, incredible as it might seem, looks even uglier.
"No, you imbecilic twat. Bruce, that's the oldest, is nine, and Miranda is seven. What sort of questio...

What do you get when you have Windows and Mac OS X dual booting from the same computer?

A co-operating system.

On the first day of Juvenal court, the judge was sitting down to start reviewing the day's cases.

"Bring out the first defendant," He said to the new bailiff. He left, and came back a moment later with young boy who was accused of shoplifting. He was covered in black soot, wore tattered overalls, and over-sized work boots and gloves.

The judged asked the boy why he came to court ...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.