UPJOKE
forestwoodshrubbarkeucalyptusoakbirchplantpinerootwaterbeechdeciduousevergreentrunk

There are two trees in the forest, a beech and a birch and one day, they notice a small tree has sprouted up in between them. The birch says, "Man, that really looks like a son of a beech!" The beech retorts, "No way! That's gotta be a son of a birch!"

So, they start arguing back and forth. "Son of a beech!" "Son of a birch!"

Eventually, a woodpecker flies by and hears the two trees fighting and he asks the two trees what's wrong and what are they are fighting about.

The trees explain to the woodpecker that they can't tell if the sma...

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Why don't you see elephants hiding in trees?

Why don't you see elephants hiding in trees? Because they are really good at it.

Why do elephants paint their balls red?
So they can hide in cherry trees.

What's the loudest sound in the jungle?
Giraffes eating cherries

Walking through the woods a man comes up to another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree.....

Seeing this he inquires, "Just out of curiosity, what the hell are you
doing?"

"I'm listening to the music of the tree."

"You gotta be kiddin' me."

"No, would you like to give it a try?"

"Well, OK..." So he wraps his arms around the tree and presses his ear up against ...

Two little boys stole a load of apples from a neighbours apple tree.

They decided to go to a quiet place to share the lot equally.
One of them suggested the nearby cemetery.
As they were jumping over the gate to enter the cemetery, they dropped two apples, but they didn't bother to pick them since they had enough.
A few minutes later, a drunk, on his way fro...

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A monkey is smoking a joint in a tree...

...when a small lizard comes and asks to join it. They get really high and at one point the small lizard says it's thirsty. The monkey tells him that there is a lake nearby and the lizard goes there.

At the lake there is an alligator, he sees the red eyes of the small lizard and says "heeeeyy...

What’s Big, Red and would kill you if it fell out of a tree?

A tractor.

a farmer walked into a magical forest to cut down a tree.

As he pulled back his axe to take a big swing, it cried out "Wait, I'm a talking tree!" The farmer just grinned and said "yes, and you will dialogue."

Did you hear about the axe that could cut trees instantly ?

It’s cutting hedge technology

Why should you never trust trees?

They’re shady

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Y'all hear about the guy who had a gorilla stuck up in his tree?

You didn't hear about the guy who had a gorilla stuck up in his tree?

This guy gets up one morning, goes outside to get the newspaper and sees this gorilla stitting up in his tree, and he says, "holy*shit*, there's a gorilla in my tree!" So he goes inside and calls the gorilla catchers.
<...

Name the kind of tree you can hold in your hand?

A palm tree!

A man was hanging upside down from a tree

A man was hanging upside down from a tree. His friend saw him and asked him, why are you hanging upside down! The man replied “i just took a tablet for my headache I’m afraid it will go to my stomach”

A lumberjack once told me he’s cut down 27,572 trees.

“How do ya know exactly how many?” I inquired.

“Easy. I keep a log.”

Do you know how to tell the difference between a male tree and a female tree?

Look for it's wood pecker.

What did the tree yell when it was bit by a dog?

Bark bark bark BARK!

What did the beaver say to the tree?

It's been nice gnawing you!

Did you know that tree branches are the best tools for catching bugs?

They're very sticky.

One Bored Tree to another...

I think I'll branch out...

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A city guy decides to pursue his dream to be a lumberjack

So he moves to a remote logging town in the northern woods. It's just 40 men in this little community, hundreds of miles from the nearest town of any size, and he wonders how they manage their "loneliness," if you know what I mean.

One evening in the spring, after the day's work has ended, a ...

What do you call a tree planted by a very mean woman?

A country

The emo kid tried to high-five a tree...

But unfortunately, the tree left him hanging.

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What's similar between boobs and Christmas trees?

When you see really nice ones, you can't tell if they're real or fake.

Watson: Which tree do we get lemons from?

Sherlock: Elementary, my dear Watson

How do trees access the internet?

they log on.

A tree is cut down...

When the lead detective arrives, he asks the tree, "do you have any idea who did this to you?"

The tree replied, "I have no idea. I'm stumped."

What do people from Alabama have instead of a family tree?

The circle of life!

What does a man who's had a vasectomy and a Christmas tree have in common?

Decorative balls.

Why was the almond tree on her last nerve?

Because every one of her kids were nuts

Blondes

A young blonde, out of money and down on her luck, needed some quick cash. Desperate, she decided to kidnap a child and hold it for ransom…

She went to the local playground, randomly grabbed a kid, took him behind a nearby building, and in a stern voice she told him, "You've been kidnapped, ...

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Six Lessons

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give y...

What’s big and white and will kill you if it lands on you after falling from a tree?

My fat sister who likes climbing trees

Jill sees a gorilla in a tree in her yard

So she calls the police informing them of what she has seen. The dispatch informed her to use the phone book to find a gorilla catcher near her.

Sure enough there is a section of gorilla catchers. So she calls and one arrives at her property. Bob shows up with handcuffs, pit bull, and a shot...

What is the scariest tree?

BamBOO

If a tree falls.....

A tree falls in the forest but doesn't make a sound.

Hunter in camouflage gear: "WHAT THE HECK???!"

Tree: "I mean, AAAAAARGH, I fell!"

Timbuktu (NSFW)

Two best friends, Dave and Tim, died in a car accident and went to heaven. St. Peter was at the gate and said "sorry, there's only room for one of you." The two friends were unsure on how to proceed, so St. Peter made them an offer.

"I will give you both one word and who ever makes up the bes...

What job position do tree trunks have?

They are branch managers

"There are three birds in this tree..."

"...one of them I know will peck, one possibly can peck and one is meant to peck but refuses."

"What species?"

"A would-pecker, a could-pecker and a should-pecker."

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?

Because they’re so good at it!

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Out of the blue, my son asked me, “Dad, do trees poop?” After thinking for a bit, I answered, "Well, yes, yes they do."

“Where do you think number 2 pencils come from!?"

My attractive female neighbor is completely paranoid. She thinks I'm following or even stalking her

She is worried that I may be obsessed with her and any time she hears a noise in her house she is...purified? Oh, wait: petrified. Sorry, it's not easy reading a diary through binoculars from a tree.

When the moon hits your knees, and you mispronounce trees

Sycamore

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A koala is sitting in a tree.

A koala is sitting in a tree smoking a blunt. A lizard comes walking by, smells the weed, looks up and says "hey man, can I hit that?"

Koala says "hell yeah man come on up and get you some"

Lizard runs up the tree and they start smoking together. The weed is incredible and before long ...

Why do you never see a pig in a tree?

Because pigs can't climb trees

What did the tree say when he caught the criminal stealing?

Stick your hands up.

Why did the Fox News Christmas tree catch fire?

They left it too close to the gaslight.

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Little Red riding hood is walking through the forest when she sees a wolf squatting by a tree..

She says "my what big eyes you have!"
The wolf responds, "would you fuck off, I'm trying to take a shit "

18 year old Maria went home happy, telling her mother about how she earned $20 by climbing a tree.

Her mom responded, “Maria, they just wanted to see your panties!” Maria replied, “See Mom, I was smart, I took them off!”

It had to be Australia

A gecko lizard is walking through the Australian bush, heading toward the river for a drink.

On his walk he comes across a koala sitting in a gum tree, smoking a joint and stops for a chat.

"Gidday, mate. What are you doing?"

The koala replies, "Smoking a joint, come up and join...

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Parrot, Monkey and Lizard sits in a tree somewhere in the jungle, smoking a joint.

After a while of blazing it up, Lizard starts struggling with cotton mouth, and says he needs to go drink some water down at the creek.

Stumbling up to the creek, Lizard starts drinking water like his life depends on it, bloodshot eyes and giggling all along.

Crocodile spots him and s...

A guy was driving down the road when he saw a farmer lifting a pig up to a tree to eat apples

Confused, and curious, the guy pulls over to watch as the farmer picked up pig after pig and held them up to the tree to eat an apple.

The man finally decided to speak up and asked the farmer “wouldn’t it save a lot of time if you shook the tree so the apples fell on the ground and the pigs j...

An atheist dies and goes to hell

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No need to say thank you, everyone gets a ...

The fictional scenarios in your head will die with you, like a tree falling in the forest with no one around to hear

Unless you post on TIFU

Me to a ninja: Hey, can you show me how you precisely cut off tree branches with those throwing stars?

“Shuriken.”

(Came up with this ex nihilo, please like)

What do you call an epileptic person in a tree?

Russell.

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Onions and Christmas Trees

A couple with a son and a daughter was having a meal together.

At a certain point, the son decides to ask the father:

“Dad, how many types of boobs are there?”

“Three.”

“How so?”

“When you’re 20, they’re like melons: gorgeous and round. When you’re 40, they’re like...

I went to buy a Christmas tree the other day, and the shop assistant said "Are you thinking if putting it up yourself?"

I said "no, i was thinking the living room".

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

Because it was dead.

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There’s a gorilla in my tree

A man comes home from work to discover that there is a gorilla in the tree in his backyard. Never having seen this before, he calls a friend to ask for advice. “Don’t worry about it,” his friend says. “I’ve got a guy who can take care of it for you. I’ll send him right over.

Fifteen minutes l...

What do oak trees and absentee fathers have in common?

Nuts and leaves.

A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree, when it shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!" The lumberjack nodded and grinned...

“And you will dialogue!"

Hated the view from my yard because of the tree...

So I called a tree guy to take it down. I asked him to remove the stump, and he said "Oh I can't, you have to call a stump guy."

So I call the stump guy, he takes out the stump, and I say "Aren't you gonna fill the hole?"

He said "Oh, no, you'll have to call a landscaper for that. ...

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly, the woman gathers courage to go ask him out. She walks over, takes a seat next to him, turns and says...

"Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure...but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"

"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were...

I told my dog to make like a tree.

She barked.

Who was asked to direct a gothic horror about a tree falling down?

Tiiiiiiiiiiiiimmmmmmbbbbbbbbbuuuuuurrrrrrrton.

A lumberjack walks into the company office to get paid.

The secretary says, “ I have a check here for cutting down 236 trees this week.”

The lumberjack replies, “I actually cut down 237 trees.”

”Are you sure?”, says the secretary, “Your foreman counted 236 on the truck.”

“Sure, I’m sure,” replies the lumberjack. “I kept a log”.

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What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?

Hold on to your nuts. This ain’t no ordinary blowjob.

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Social experiment

Social researchers from Oxford devised an experiment to place three men from diverse cultures on an otherwise deserted island. They decided on one man from France, one from Germany, and one from Japan.

The German was told he is in charge of shelter, the Frenchman was put in charge of meals, a...

Two loggers were arguing about the best way to saw down a tree...

There was a lot of back and forth, but they got through it.

How do you make a tree taller?

Get a lumber jack.

The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago.

The second best time was 20 years minus one Planck time ago.

Glossing Over a Criminal in the Family Tree

The Taylors were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had traveled to America as pilgrims on the Mayflower. They had included congressmen, successful entrepreneurs, famous sports figures and television stars. They decided to research and write a family history, something for their childr...

The car accident

George found his friend Tim, lying beside the road after a car accident.

Tim was crying hysterically.

George stopped his car and ran to him. "Tim! Are you all right?"

Sobbing, Tim moaned, "Look at my new car!"

Pointing to it, wrapped around a tree.

"Hey, man. ...

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A guy is lost in the forest, when suddenly a vampire jumps from behind a tree

A guy is lost in the forest, when suddenly a vampire jumps from behind a tree. "I'm thirsty", says the vampire, "I'm going to to bite you in the neck and drink your blood!"

"Nooo!!!" cries the man, "Please don't! I have a wife and kids! I'm too young to die!"

"I don't care" says the va...

How do you get a squirrel down from a tree?

Pull down your pants and show it your nuts.

A Lumberjack is about to Swing his axe right at a tree until he hears a noise

"Stop! Please don't kill me, I'm a talking tree!"
The Lumberjack stops, and says
"And you will Dialogue"

A collection of humorous anecdotes from the world of education

>TEACHER: Maria, please can you find North America on the map.
>
>MARIA: Here it is.
>
>TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
>
>CLASS: Maria.



>TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor? ...

Where to young trees go to school?

Elementree school!

i found a talking tree

i woke up one day and i heard a crying voice, i followed it and i found the source to be from a cut down tree

i said: "hello?"

the tree said crying: "what do you want?"

i asked: "you can talk?"

the tree answered: "yeah I'm a rare variant, now you answer my question: who...

What type of tree does a Satanist get for Christmas?

A Lucy Fir

A Leaf and an Emo fall from a tree, which hits the ground first?

The Leaf. Because the rope stopped the Emo.

There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting. He said...

"Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."

"What I want you to do...

A man finds a full grown gorilla in a tree.

Man comes home from work to find a big ole gorilla in a tree in his front yard. Thinking he's gonna need some help with this, he looks up gorilla removal services in the yellow pages. He finds Dave and Rosco's full time gorilla removal and calls them up.

Dave says he and Rosco will rush right...

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Two guys, Billy and Bob, head out in the woods, hunting for bear...

They hike to where their tree stand is, in the thickest part of the forest, set their bait, climb into the stand, hunker down and wait. Before too long, a small black bear comes by to check out the bait, and the hunters shoot it dead. They climb down and begin the work of butchering the carcass, whe...

somewhere there's a tree shaped exactly like a chicken and the locals pull on the branches for good luck...

The whole ceremony is called poultry or something like that...

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Three men, a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree.

Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.
"Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heave...

What do you call a dog that lives in the top of a palm tree.

A cocomutt.


Or a palmeranian.

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A monkey was smoking weed in a crooked tree...

A lizard, climbing up the tree, see the monkey rolling up a blunt and asks, "hey monkey! can I have a hit?"

The monkey promptly offers him some, and for some time they're smoking together. The lizard, feeling thristy, looks at the monkey, who's almost falling asleep, and says, "I'mma go drink...

My son looked up from his homework and asked me, "Dad, what’s an acorn?" I smiled and explained...

"Well, in a nutshell, it’s an oak tree!"

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Russian elementary school assignmen: "please tell us an anecdote that demonstrates the kindness of our great leader Putin"

On the due date, the teacher has some students stand up and read their assignments in front of the class.

Little Igor goes first : "one day President Putin was walking down the street when he noticed a crying little girl. He asked what was troubling her, and she told him that her cat went up ...

I want to tell you a joke about trees

*leaves*

When a girl changes her clothes in front of you, she's either really interested or you're level 99 friend-zoned

Or she hasn't spotted you in the tree yet!

An astronaut lands on an alien world.

Once upon a time an astronaut landed on an alien world. The world was full of trees and plants and wildlife. But one species in particular caught his eye. Short and round with huge feet, they were kind. They sang songs all day, drank, and made merry. After observing them from afar for many days, the...

A dog goes and licks a tree.

The dog exclaims ruff...bark

A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. "You can't cut me down," the tree complains. "I'm a talking tree!"

The man responds, "You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue."

Did you hear about the soldier who snuck behind enemy lines disguised as a Christmas tree?

He was a decorated veteran.

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It was a dark night in the cemetery..

..and Eric had, unwisely, elected to take a short cut. The leaves rustled in the trees, the shadows appeared to move around him, and then.. and then.. tap, tap, tap. Eric started to walk faster but the tapping was only getting louder. Eric grew scared, really scared, until he rounded a big old grave...

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A group of 3 friends go out to a club one night

and have the best time of their life.
They get pretty drunk, and by the end of the night they get in the car and leave.
Drunkenly, they hit a tree on the way home and all three of them are dead on impact.
When they arrive in Heaven, they're welcomed by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. ...

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What do you call a vibrator on a Christmas tree?

A pornament.

Three vampires enter into a competition

The first vampire tells the other 2:

\- “Hey! I have an idea! Let’s have a competition between the three of us to see who is the best at sucking blood!”

Since they have nothing to else to do, the other two vampires think it is a good idea and agree to the competition.

After tha...

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The screw and the bellybutton

So a guy I work with told us this joke on the plane, went on for full 30' which made it even funnier smh, this is a short version:

A boy is born and is perfectly normal, arms legs ears and stuff, except a tiny detail: He had a screw on his bellybutton. Parents send him to all doctors imagina...

Whats red and climbs trees?

Paul Walkers Porsche

There are 3 dogs, a Chihuahua, a Yorkshire Terrier and a Great Dane, in an animal hospital side-by-side in cages. They are talking to each other.

“So what are you in for?”

The chihuahua says:
“My owner had a birthday party for his little girl yesterday. There were so many kids at the party it was crazy. Some boys were chasing me and tormenting me. Finally they cornered me in one of the bedrooms. I lost it and I lunged out and I b...

A duke was hunting in the forest

A duke was hunting in the forest with his men-at-arms and servants; he came across a tree. Upon it, archery targets were painted and smack in the middle of each was an arrow.

"Who is this incredibly fine archer?" cried the duke. "I must find him!"

After continuing through the forest fo...

When God created Adam and Eve...

He said to them: I have two gifts to give you one is to do pee standing up and...

Adam, very anxious, interrupted him screaming: M E... M E...I want it, please Lord... please... please... please... This would make life a lot easier!

Eve agreed and said those things didn’t matter to her...

How do you get a boy with only one arm down from a tree?

you wave

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One old lady's poodle got lost during a photo safari...

..after chasing some butterflies and enjoying a frolic in the bushes.


Not before long, he discovers realises he's lost.

Wandering about, he notices a hungry-looking leopard heading rapidly in his direction.

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately sett...

What did the Tree say to the Grass

Nothing. Trees and Grass don't talk.

When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet.

I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

A father and his son go out to fell a tree for Christmas

When the tree is felled and being brought back, the son asks, "Dad are you going to put the tree up yourself?"

"No, son, I'm going to put it up in our living room"

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A panda walks into a restaurant and orders a plate of bamboo

When he’s finished with his meal, he hops up onto the table, pulls out two Glock 45s and unloads both magazines, blasting everything in sight.

When the guns are empty, he throws them down and starts walking towards the door. The bartender looks up from behind the bar and yells, “Hey! What th...

What is a dog’s favorite part of a tree?

Bark

My kids said this was the worst joke ever… but I liked it!!

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My friend's surname is Weaver, he's traced his family tree back to ancient cloth merchants.

My surname is Dickinson. I've decided to leave it.

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I can do anything better than you

Three Vampires trying to outdo one another. The first went away, come back with blood trickling out the side of his mouth. "I killed the whole family. The 2nd one went and comeback with even more blood. I killed the whole town. 3rd one goes away. Comes back, his whole body is saturated with blood. W...

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A Sloth was on the top of a tree smoking weed.

The Gecko saw it and went to ask for a hit and the Sloth said "Sure man! Take a big hit that's some good shit".
Almost immediately after taking a hit the Gecko started coughing like crazy. The Sloth then said to the Gecko "Damm go to the river and drink some water. I told you that's some good shi...

Saw a tree with 'Live, Laugh, Love' carved into it

It was a basic birch

Trees are like dogs

Some shed and some don't. Others just bark

Determination

A fellow stopped at a rural gas station and, after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and he watched a couple of men working along the roadside. One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along b...

Why does a fully decorated Christmas tree weigh less than a non decorated one?

Because it's lighter.

For her birthday, i took my girlfriend to an orchard we stood there looking at the trees for about an hour.

Not the apple watch she wanted apparently...

Why don’t people from Alabama have family trees?

Because it’s just one long branch.

What did the man get when he ran into a palm tree?

facepalm

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A little lizard is walking along a tree branch...

Something wonderful hit his nostrils. It was unlike anything he had ever smelled before. He followed the scent to another branch where he saw his friend, the Koala Bear, smoking the fattest joint he had ever seen.

"Damn, K-Bear, that's the dankest weed I've ever smelled!" said the lizard....

Never underestimate an old man

An elderly man had owned his large farm in Louisiana for many years.

Right at the back of the farm, there was a large pond that was ideal for swimming. The old farmer had fixed it up real nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the farmer d...

Two birds are on a tree branch in the middle of the night

Bird 1: "I'm hungry, I'm going to try to find a mouse to eat."

Bird 2: "You sure? It's pretty damn dark to find a mouse."

Bird 1: "There's no harm in trying."

Bird 2: "I guess.."

*So bird 1 flies off into the darkness. Some time passes and the sun begins to rise. Bird 2 s...

How do you get Donald Trump to cut down a tree?

Tell him it's one of the pillars of our democracy.

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A man is sitting in a cafe when suddenly someone he knows comes running to him in panic shouting "Quick, your wife is cheating on you with your best friend in the forest".

The man runs out of the cafe angry and furious to see for himself and returns after a short while and sits back down on his chair. The people in the cafe and the guy that told him are confused and ask what happened. The man says "this son of a bitch was just exaggerating, firstly, it was just a coup...

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Cut 100 Trees And No One Will Call You Woodcutter,

Cut 1000 Trees And No One Will Call You Woodcutter,

Cut 10000 Trees And No One Will Call You Woodcutter,

But Fuck One Sheep...

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What do you call a guy in a tree masturbating?

A hijacker.

Two tall trees - a birch and beech - are growing in the woods.



A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, ‘Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?’

The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, ‘Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son ...

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What did the hurricane say to the palm tree?

Hold on to your nuts this will be one hell of a blow job!

(My brother and I heard this in the school yard when we were 9&6 respectively. That night he told it at the dinner table when my grandma was over!)

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A man is like a tree. You spend a lifetime building yourself up,

just to be knocked on your ass by a little beaver.

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