Joke from my 12 year old “why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?”

Because they’re so good at it!

Please don’t ban me

If a tree falls.....

A tree falls in the forest but doesn't make a sound.

Hunter in camouflage gear: "WHAT THE HECK???!"

Tree: "I mean, AAAAAARGH, I fell!"

What is green, fuzzy, and if it falls out of a tree it’ll kill you?

A pool table

A lumberjack once told me he’s cut down 27,572 trees.

“How do ya know exactly how many?” I inquired.

“Easy. I keep a log.”

mexican bacon tree

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States
wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says........."Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."
"Si,Luis, eet sure smells like bac...

Two men are lost in the desert when they spot a tree covered in bacon.

One of the men exclaims "a bacon tree! we're saved". However as he rushes over to it he dies in a hail of bullets. It turns out that it wasn't a bacon tree, it was a ham bush.

A tree... In a forest? And no one is around?!

That's unheard of!

I cut down a tree by just staring at it.

I saw it with my own eyes.

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it…

…then my illegal logging business is a success

I couldn't remember what the brown rough stuff was on the outside layer of tree trunks...

I asked my cat and she said, "Meow". No help.

I asked my bird and he said, "Tweet". Useless.

I asked my dog and they said "Rhytidome, you buffoon."

A Dad and Son were busy chopping down a tree out the front of their house...

Once chopped down, they began putting the branches into a wood chipper.

“Careful!” the Dad snapped, “I’ve told you before, don’t stand too close otherwise you’ll be completely covered in wood chips and dust.”

“Yes Dad,” sighed the Son. He’d been told off all day.

An Irishman,...

A bus filled with politicians is speeding down a country road when it swerves into a field and hits a tree.

The farmer who owns the field and tree comes out to investigate. Then he digs a hole and buries the politicians. A few days later the sheriff drives by and sees the bus. He goes and gets the farmer and asks him where the politicians are. He says he buried them. The sheriff asks if they were all dead...

What's Green and if it fell out of a tree it'll kill you?

My Car

I have a pet tree...

It's like a pet dog, but the bark is quieter.

I told my brother not to stand too close to the trees in our backyard.

I don't know why, but they seem shady.

What does a Chestnut tree and an asylum have in common

They're both full of nuts

A tree says to another tree, her boyfriend, "I think we should break up"

The other tree: "why wood you do this"

Did you hear about the guy building an electric vehicle in a tree

I’m gonna go out on a limb

and say he succeeds

When I see couple’s names carved into a tree, I don’t think it’s sweet.

I think it’s strange how many people take a knife on a date.

What do Canadians say when they see an oak tree?

Ok (oak-eh)

A police officer arrives at the scene of an accident, in which a car smashed into a tree.

The cop rushes over to the vehicle and asks the driver, 'Are you seriously hurt?'

'How should I know?' the man answers, 'I'm not a lawyer!'

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A Bacon Tree

Way back in the cowboy days, a wagon train was travelling West and hadn't seen anyone in days. One day, they came across an old Jewish man sitting under a tree, all by himself. The leader of the wagon went over to the Jew and said "Hey, what are you doing way out here?" The Jew replied, and told the...

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What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?

Hold on to your nuts, this ain’t no ordinary blowjob!

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Imagine having sex with a genuine tree nymph.

That'd be strange. Wooden tit.

The man hobbled as he walked up to the Talking Tree on the edge of the clearing...

The man hobbled as he walked up to the Talking Tree on the edge of the clearing at the end of the path, as he had done at the close of every day for the last 73 turnings of the Earth. Never farther, for it was as far North as he ever went, and he came this far only to pour out his sorrows to the fin...

What’s red and sits in a tree?

A sanitary owl.


🩸 🦉

What type of tree fits in the palm of your hand?

A seedling


If you thought a palm tree... well... I don’t know what to tell you

A lumberjack chooses a tree to chop down. Before he has a chance to swing his axe, the tree exclaims, "WAIT! Don't do this! I'm a talking tree!"

The lumberjack responds, "Good. Then you will dialogue."

How do trees feel in the Spring?

Relieved.

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What are some of the same things you can say while decorating a Christmas tree and while having sex?

"It's a shame we only do it only once a year!"

"It's so goddamn prickly."

"Put the balls on very carefully"

"Enough on this side, turn it around"

"Fake one just doesn't have the smell and feel right."

a man is chopping down a tree

the tree says “Wait, i’m a talking tree”

the man proceeds chopping down the tree and says “and you will dialogue.”

What do trump and a Christmas tree both have in common ?

They both get thrown out in January

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence.

One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he pas...

I thought all the trees had broken when they lost their leaves last year. They're coming back now though.

What a re-leaf.

Getting my drone stuck in a tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.

But it’s definitely up there.

My 3 year old's first joke: what did the lumberjack say to the tree?

I saw you.

How do you get a one armed man out of a tree?

Wave to him!

How do trees access the internet?

They log in.

A Tree Falls In A Rainforest And Nobody Notices But Me

"Ha ha ha! My illegal tree cutting business is working!"

Person 1: Ask me if I am a tree.

Person 2: Are you a tree?
Person 1: No

My favorite joke of all time (Russian I think?), but thought I would share it for my first cake day.

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Did you know trees poop?

Well, where do you think #2 pencils come from? Sorry, thats was crappy. I’ll leaf now

A koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said, "Hey Koala! What are you doing?"

The koala said, "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."

So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints.

After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was dry and that he was going to get a drink from the river.

The little lizard...

Q: How did the tree feel in the spring?

A: Releaved.

A little turtle begins to climb a tree slowly.

After long hours of effort, he reaches the top, jumps into the air waving his front legs, until he crashes heavily into the ground with a hard knock on his shell.

After recovering his consciousness, he starts to climb the tree again, jumps again, and knocks the ground heavily again.

Th...

How do you get a squirrel down from a tree?

You pull down you pants and show him your nuts.

What's the difference between a Christmas tree and a man?

A Christmas tree will stay up for weeks, has cute balls, and looks good with the lights on.

Courtesy of my seven year old:. What kind of trees can you find snacks in?

Pantries.

What do you call a family tree in Alabama?

A family wreath.

There is a tree named after the rabbi who does circumcisions.

It's the juniper.

Joke from my dad.

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Why do squirrels live in trees?

Because they’re fucking nuts!

I don't understand why people think money grows on trees when clearly, it actually grows on shrubbery.

That's where hedge funds come from!

What is something you can say to praise a Christmas tree but shouldn't say about a woman?

Looks pretty in the darkness.

I didn't know Mariah Carey liked trees so much.

But apparently all she wants for Christmas is yew.

Why is that palm tree reading out your dead grandfather's will?

Isn't it obvious? He's the Exeggutor of the estate.

Saw this notice posted outside a volunteer fire company in December... "Remember to water your Christmas tree..."

..."or we will come and water it for you."

My talking dog scratched his back on a tree

When he was done, he said "Woof, that bark was ruff."

A tree fell on my brother today, completely crushing his left side.

He’s all right.

How do trees express their opinion?

They hand out leaflets

What do you call a pleasant bug on a tree

Wood ant you like to know

Why was Luke under the Christmas tree?

He wanted to feel Obi Wan's presents.

My Christmas tree wss very happy when I removed the decorations from it.

It was absolutely delighted.

Cutting down a tree with a block of cheese is easy.

You just gotta make sure it's extra sharp.

What do you call a tree that does martial arts?

Spruce Lee

What do you call a guy who makes movies about trees?

Timber Ton

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Forgot the tree this year, so I'm putting up a 6 foot, tinsel covered Tampon.

Just for the festive period.

If you chop a tree down in the middle of the forest, but the tree doesn't understand why you chopped it down

Do you think it's stumped?

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When Jane first met Tarzan in the jungle, she was instantly attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him if he had ever had sex. "Tarzan not know sex." he replied. Jane explained to him what it was.

Tarzan said, "Ohhh...Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified, Jane said, "Tarzan, you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground.

"Here." she said, pointing to her privates. "You must put it in he...

A tree fell over where I was standing

What a re-leaf I moved out of the way in time

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out...

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so ...

Whenever I see some initials carved into a tree with some hearts, I also think it's romantic.

Two lovers on a date in the wood and one of them carrying a knife for some reason.

After hours of research i still cant make puns about trees

You'd think everything I've Redwood help

Me and my dyslexic girlfriend sitting in a tree

K S I S I N G

What type of tree sings the best?

A karaoaky

What did they yell at Edgar Allen Poe when he nearly walked into a tree?

Poetry!

Melania Trump greeted the White House Christmas Tree.

First natural wood she's seen in years.

What's worse than 10 babies nailed to a tree?

1 baby nailed to 10 trees!

Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural America. Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the disaster was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hull left smouldering in a tree line that bordered a farm.

The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but did not find the remains of anyone, including the President. They spotted a lone farmer ploughing a field not too far away as if nothing at all happened. They hurried over to the man's tractor.

"Hank," the sheriff yelled, panting and out of...

I bought a Christmas tree today.

The guy asked if I was going to put it up myself and I said no, in my living room.

Two blondes are walking in forest searching for a Christmas tree

They both walk a long time but couldn't find a good one. Hour by hour passes but still none of them are good enough. It's already getting pitch dark. It's already midnight and finally one of them suddenly says "ugh, let's just pick one without decorations"

Do you guys know about the tree that was cut down for learning to speak?

She dialog.

Which tree has the least amount of education?

A lemon tree

An apple and an emo kid fall out of a tree which one hits the ground first?

The apple, the rope caught the emo kid.

What does a tree say when its rather well?

I'm Oakay

Just looked into my family tree and found out both great great grand parents are related...

It's not every day you get to learn about your incestors

What’s blue and would kill you if it fell out of a tree?

A really fast apple.

A lumberjack went into a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree. It shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree”

The lumberjack smiled, “and you will dialogue”.

A man is home and sees a gorilla hanging on his backyard tree.

So he naturally picks up the yellow pages and calls the Gorilla Removal services. The professional arrives in less than ten minutes, and gets off his van with a pole, a ladder, a dog, a shotgun and handcuffs. He says "I see it's a male gorilla, so I'm taking the ladder up the tree and poke him with ...

How do you get a depressed person out of a tree?

You cut the rope…

Why was the tree executed

Treeson

My friend told me he is attracted to Christmas trees and people in animal costumes

He identifies as a douglas furry

The walnut tree (idk what to put for title lol)

One day, Johnny and his friend Bobby walked into the cemetery. There were a lot of fallen walnuts from the walnut tree that they wanted to share. They started splitting them and Johnny said "One for you, one for me! One for you, one for me!"

At this time, a little boy was biking along the roa...

What did Darth Vader say under the tree?

Luke... I feel your presents...

My sister just told this to me, and I genuinely laughed at it so I thought it belonged here!

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A family is at the dinner table.

The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like...

I don't understand why cats climb Christmas trees...

they should be afraid of the BARK.

What do you yell after chopping down a haunted tree?

Tim Burton!!!

As a soldier running through the forest you don't need to be concerned about running into an adult tree..

It's the infantree that's deadly!

What month does a Christmas tree hate the most?

Sep-timber!

What's Sherlock Holmes' favourite tree?

A lemon tree

I don't trust the tree in my front yard.

It seems kind of shady.

Two adult trees fell on top of my house and made a big mess

It's the first time my house ever got a treesome

Once, in the forest, a sapling grew between two trees...

One tree was a birch tree, and proudly said, "That sapling is a son of a birch!"

The other tree was a beech tree, and proudly said, "No, that sapling is a son of a beech!"

The two trees argued day in and day out, but couldn't settle the matter. Finally, they decided to ask the true exp...

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3 men standing in front of the gates of heaven

Peter says: "Sorry guys. We're closed."
"But Peter.. We're dead. You have to let us in."
Peter: "I'll make you a deal: If the story of how you died is awesome, I'll let you in."

So the first man begins to tell his story:
"I am an attorney and I work every day from 6am to 8pm but THI...

I wonder what trees are scared of ...

... given there are so many that are petrified

What was the dying tree's reaction to a 2nd chance to grow?

Re-leaf.

A turtle is standing on tree branch and looks around

Then she jumps. But no matter how much she waves her limbs she of course falls down. Undeterred she climbs up again, climbs on tree branch and jumps again. And of course crashes to the ground again. Yet again she climbs up, ready to jump again. Two pigeons are looking at her and one turns to other "...

Why is Christmas a tree's worst nightmare?

They watch their friend's corpse get decorated.

What does an Italian say when they see a large, prejudice tree?

That's a Big a tree!

Johnny was in class when his teacher asks

Johnny was in class when his teacher asks:

-Johnny, there are five birds on a tree. You shoot one, how many are left.

-None, miss. The others will fly away!

-The right answer is four, but i like the way you think.

Johnny goes quiet, and then raises his hand.

-Yes?<...

What kind of trees do you pee on?

Toiletries

Little Jenny loved climbing trees

When her mother came to pick her up from school, Jenny was at it again climbing the tallest tree she could find, oblivious to the group of disgusting boys looking up her skirt! The mom quickly waved her to get into the car, then in a stern voice warned her about the boys who just wanted to look at h...

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Three men, a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree.

Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby. "Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. ...

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For my first cake day I want to share a joke my dad told me when I was probably too young to really understand it. How does an elephant hide in the jungle?

Climbs to the top of a cherry tree and paints his balls red.

What’s the loudest sound in the jungle?

Giraffes eating cherries!

(Apologies if you’ve heard it before fellow Redditors! Maybe by next cake day I’ll get better material)

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before".

So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm...that was some good lion meat!".

The lion abruptly stops and says " woah! This guy seems tougher then he ...

What is a trees favorite dating App?

Timber

As told by my 11 year old

If you ever need a friend, look no further than trees.

They wood never leaf you and always stick together.

What happened to the two apple trees that were planted together?

They lived appley ever after.

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