a man is chopping down a tree

the tree says “Wait, i’m a talking tree”

the man proceeds chopping down the tree and says “and you will dialogue.”

As a soldier running through the forest you don't need to be concerned about running into an adult tree..

It's the infantree that's deadly!

A man is home and sees a gorilla hanging on his backyard tree.

So he naturally picks up the yellow pages and calls the Gorilla Removal services. The professional arrives in less than ten minutes, and gets off his van with a pole, a ladder, a dog, a shotgun and handcuffs. He says "I see it's a male gorilla, so I'm taking the ladder up the tree and poke him with ...

Once, in the forest, a sapling grew between two trees...

One tree was a birch tree, and proudly said, "That sapling is a son of a birch!"

The other tree was a beech tree, and proudly said, "No, that sapling is a son of a beech!"

The two trees argued day in and day out, but couldn't settle the matter. Finally, they decided to ask the true exp...

What’s blue and would kill you if it fell out of a tree?

A really fast apple.

What’s green, fuzzy, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?

A pool table

Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural America. Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the disaster was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hull left smouldering in a tree line that bordered a farm.

The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but did not find the remains of anyone, including the President. They spotted a lone farmer ploughing a field not too far away as if nothing at all happened. They hurried over to the man's tractor.

"Hank," the sheriff yelled, panting and out of...

If a tree falls in the forest and no-one is around to hear it..

Then my illegal logging business is a success.

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Three men, a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree.

Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby. "Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. ...

What is the meanest kind of tree?

A country

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What did the hurricane say to the palm tree?

Hold on to your nuts. It's going to be one hell of a blow job.

What do you call a tree with a muzzle?

All bark and no bite

Good friends are like trees

They both fall if you hit them hard enough with an axe.

I dont have a family tree.

Its more like a family cactus,
Cause they’re all pricks.

A lumberjack went into a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree. It shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree”

The lumberjack smiled, “and you will dialogue”.

A tree house is the biggest insult to a tree

"Here, I killed your friend. Hold him"

A young teacher confronts her math class of young kids with a simple question: “Three birds are sitting on a tree when a hunter comes and shoots one down, how many birds are left on the tree?”

“None!” shouts a boy across the classroom.

“Come here” says the teacher while the kid is approaching her through the weird looks of their classmates. The teacher calmly repeats the question again this time holding three fingers up for the sitting birds and removing one for the hunter’s victim...

My friend told me, "did you know trees drop edible stuff that's not fruit?"

"that's nuts" I replied.

What is the favourite month for trees?

Oaktober.

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Steve Jobs named his company after the apple Adam and Eve ate from the tree of knowledge.

Bill Gates named his company after his penis.

Why do trees never get Christmas presents?

Cause they’re so knotty.

A teacher asked Sam what the outside of a tree is called.

Sam: I don't know.

Teacher: Bark, Sam! Bark!

Sam: Woof Woof!

What's a baker's favourite tree?

A pastry.

What's yellow and hangs from an apple tree?

A stupid banana!

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The best joke I’ve ever heard which never fails to make me smile whenever I remember it.(NSFW)

Three explorers get lost in a huge jungle. After wandering around for days, they are found and captured by a jungle tribe. The tribesmen take the explorers to their leader and drop them at his feet. The chieftain looks at them for a moment and says, “ The three of you will die unless you manage to d...

If an apple and an emo kid fall off a tree what hits the ground first?

The apple bc the rope caught the emo kid

How do lumberjacks know how many trees they have cut down?

They keep a log!

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A man goes to the hardware store and tells the clerk he needs to cut down some trees.

The clerk sells him a chain saw. About three hours later the man returns, covered in sweat.

He tells the clerk, "This didn't work at all. It took me two hours to cut down one medium size tree"

The clerk takes the saw and says ,"Let's see what is wrong with it", then starts up the saw...

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What do boobs on talking trees and spirits have in common?

They are both entitties.

Getting my drone stuck in a tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.

But it is definitely up there.

One day a man decided to retire. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank...

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How d...

what do my dad and a tree have in common?

leaves

I’ve been doing some research into my family tree, and it turns out my Great Grandfather was a terrible dictator.

Apparently none of his secretaries understood a word he said.

In my career as a lumberjack, I cut down exactly 82,546 trees.

I know, because I kept a log.

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How does a tree watch porn?

Paper-view

What kind of tree does a chicken grow on?

A poultry.

(came up with that in the shower)

How do you get a one-armed beauty queen out of a tree?

Wave at her.

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

He was dead!!

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I am the Lorax, I speak for the trees.

And for some fucking reason, they speak Vietnamese.

When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet.

I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

The Girl Below The Apple Tree

A girl wearing a skirt was reading her favourite book under an apple tree. A boy suddenly approached her and said "I would pay you $5 if you would help me climb the tree and pluck me an apple". The girl replied, "Sure! I'll help you." The boy then handed her the $5 after receiving the apple. Later t...

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Two owls siting on a tree branch during a quiet night.

One if them suddenly says: "hoooo hoooooooo"

The other one turns and replies: "Fuck you Garry, you scared the shit out of me. "

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What did the Hurricane say to the Coconut tree?

"Better hold on to your nuts, cause this ain't gonna be an ordinary blowjob."

Apples have been cultivated by taking off branches of one tree and splicing them into another trees.

Luckily, animal breeders took another approach.

Two trees, a birch tree and a beech tree, grow up right next to each other...

One day a sapling starts growing in between them. They start arguing about what type of tree it is.

"It's a son of a birch tree!"

"No! It's a son of a beech tree!"

It goes on for a few years, and then one day a woodpecker lands lands on the beech tree.

"Hey Woodpecker! Yo...

What lives in a tree, is very religious and is sometimes able to open doors?

A Monk-Key

Why did the Koala fall out of the tree?

Because it was dead.

Why did the second koala fall out of the tree?

Because it too, was dead.

Why did the third Koala fall out of the tree?

Peer pressure.

Little Johnny's teacher asks, "George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Do any of you know why his father didn't punish him?"

Little Johnny replies, "Because George was the one holding the axe?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Your ex told me you remind her of her Christmas tree...

Your balls are only there for decoration purposes!

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A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in a tree in his garden.

He flicks through the phone book until he finds an animal removal service, gives them a call and explains his situation. 15 minutes later, a guy turns up in a van and takes out a ladder, a long stick, a shotgun, a pair of handcuffs and a pitbull.

The worker says to the man "Right, here's the ...

My wife swears the CIA put a listening device in our yard disguised as a tree.

I told her it's just a plant

We went to visit my brother in hospital because he had crashed his motorbike into a tree and impaled himself onto a tree branch i asked the doctor "How is he?"...

The doctor said "He's not out of the woods yet"....

What do you call a religious tropical tree?

A psalm tree.

Why are oak trees so naughty?

They nut all over the place

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I want to try translating an Iraqi joke to English and see if it works. A man is sitting in a cafe...

A man is sitting in a cafe when suddenly someone he knows comes running to him in panic shouting "Quick, your wife is cheating on you with your best friend in the forest". The man runs out of the cafe angry and furious to see for himself and returns after a short while and sits back down on his chai...

There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting...

He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."

"What I want ...

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A wise old monk was planting a date tree in his garden when a young man walked by.

This confused the man, who knew date trees take 80 years to bear fruit, so he asked the monk:

"Why are you planting a date tree, when you will never live to enjoy its fruit?"

The old monk smiled amicably at the young man and answered:

"My son. Go eat a fat dick. It's my garden, ...

I fell out of a dogwood tree last night.

Luckily it was all bark and no height

People say some pine trees are better than others.

I say it’s a matter of a pinyon.

A new sapling popped up between a maple and a pine tree in the forest and they got into an argument over what kind of tree it was. The maple thinks it's a son of a birch and the pine thinks it's a son of a beech. Neither one was willing to concede to the other...

The maple barked, "It's a son of a birch!"

The pine bristled, "It's a son of a beech!"

"Son of a birch!"

"Son of a beech!"

After arguing back and forth for a while, they decided that they needed someone else to sort out what kind of tree it was.

They called Mr. Woo...

You wouldn't think that a pastry frosting would pair well with magical trees

but it's actually enticing!

How do you get a Polish guy with one arm to get off the tree?

You wave at him.

(Heard in the film, "You Kill Me")

Two cowboys are lost in a desert. One cowboy sees a tree full of bacon and shouts, “It’s a bacon tree, we’re saved!” He runs toward the tree and gets shot.

It wasn’t a bacon tree, it was a hambush.

Why does no one ever see hippos hiding in a tree?

Because they're so good at it

How did the trees feel when winter was finally over

Releafed

What weighs 6 ounces, sits on a tree, and highly dangerous

A sparrow with a machine gun

What sits up in a tree and goes "Aaaaaargh"

An owl with a speech impediment

A man was waiting for a bus one day, when he noticed a young blonde woman digging a hole...

...and another blonde immediately filling the hole back in with dirt. He watches as they move up the street doing this over and over again. The first blonde digs a hole, and the second one fills the dirt right back in. After a few minutes, he decides to ask them "excuse me, what are you ladies doing...

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Two explorers are walking down a path in a jungle. One signals the other to stop and come over with his hand. "Don't make a noise." he whispers, and points to a place between two trees...

... they slowly come close to find a steaming pile of shit. "What does this mean?" he asks taking off his hat and fanning the smell away.


"Well Bill, if you find a piece of stinky shit sure enough there is an asshole nearby!"

I put the punchline to this on top of a Conifer tree.

If you don't get it, joke's on yew.

A tree randomly falls on a lady.

A tree randomly falls on a lady. A nearby spectator asks, "What was the tree doing in the kitchen?"

Needless to say the search for the stolen lemon tree

Remained Fruitless

A lady walked into a tattoo parlor and said, "Can you do a tattoo of a turkey on my right inner thigh and one of a Christmas tree on my left inner thigh?"

"Sure,* the tattoo artist said. "But if you
don't mind me asking, why did you choose
those two designs?"
The lady smiled. "My husband' she explained. "He says there's never anything to eat
between Thanksgiving and Christmas!"

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?

Because they’re so good at it.

My memorial service for all the trees burnt down in the Amazon Rainforest didn't have any female attendees

It was full of guys mourning wood.

He walks through the midday heat, an occasional shot clips through the trees overhead.

He and many men like him question their logic to sign up. They could be home, spending time with their families but instead they are outside, dehydrated, fighting a battle they probably won't win. Their frustration mounts as they realize it's nothing at all like all the games they played as kids. ...

Whats a racists favourite type of tree?

Bigotry.

What are the strongest types of trees?

The ones in Vietnam.

Your cat climbed up a tree

One day, my girlfriend went on a trip and left me in charge of her cat.


Two days later, the cat ran away from home and was hit by a car, dying on the spot.
I called my girlfriend and gave her the news:


\- Hello Darling. Your cat is dead.


She burst into te...

I found a Justin Bieber concert ticket nailed to a tree, so I took it.

You never know when you might need a nail.

What’s yellow and hangs from a tree?

Me if I was yellow and hung from a tree.

What’s green and hangs from a tree?



Leaves you idiot.

What kind of tree fits in your hand?

A palm tree.

What happens when you play Russian hardbass to a tree?

It becomes DIMItree.

Three elderly ladies are sitting on a park bench in Central Park. Suddenly, a man dressed in an overcoat appears from behind a tree. The man casually opens his coat and flashes the unsuspecting ladies.

Surprised, the first lady had a stroke. The second lady also had a stroke. The third lady, though, declined to touch it.

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#NSFW What do you get when you fuck a peach tree?

Peaches and cream

Yoda's been tracing his family tree.

It's an evergreen.

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out.

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time." Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?" ...

What you call a tree that grows fingers?

A palm tree

Does anyone know any good tree puns?

I'm pining fir a new one, but they're not that poplar.

Saw a right angle resting under a tree this afternoon and thought....

Wow! 90 degrees in the shade!!

I got a Christmas tree

The man said, " Are you gonna put it up yerself?"

I said "No, I was thinking in the Loungeroom"

Trees are kinda weird

They just nut on the ground and sometime later their child pops up

I have a pet tree

It’s like a pet dog but the bark is quieter.

What do you call a tree drinking alcohol in a pool?

Root beer float

Can trees walk?

No. They lumber.

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Jane always had a certain attraction to Tarzan. So during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex.

"Tarzan not know what is sex" he replied.

Jane then explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said ...."Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Stunned by his response, Jane said: "Tarzan you have it all wrong, you don't shag a tree to get yourself off. Tell you what, I will show yo...

I can cut down a tree just by looking at it.

It’s true! I saw it with my own eyes.

My epileptic son loves our new Christmas Tree

You should see how excited he gets when we turn on the lights.

Why don’t introverted trees want to be chopped down?

They don’t want to dialog

Why is it wrong to remove the leaves from a tree?

It's shear madness.

Read an article where a girl plans on marrying a tree.

That's so crazy but what if he leaves you.

Southern family trees are like palm trees...

No branches and the family members are fronds with benefits

A monkey is smoking a joint

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says "Hey, what are you doing?" The monkey says "Smoking a joint. Come up and join me"

So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey, and they have another joint. After a while, the lizard ...

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What is the sexiest type of tree in the world?

The chestnut.

A man goes into confession on his way home from the gold course

Forgive me Father I have sinned.

*Tell me what happened son*

Well, I used the Lords name in vain. I was out golfing this morning and hit the most beautiful drive of my life, straight as an arrow, it must've carried 300 yards, right down the middle of the fairway.

*So you got a l...

A tree's first winter must be terrifying.

Imagine the releaf they feel in spring.

Why did the first koala fall out the tree

It was dead

Why did the second koala fall out the tree?

It got hit by the first koala

Why did the third koala fall out the tree?

Thought it was a race to the bottom

Why did the fourth koala fall out of the tree?

Peer pressure

Why did the kangaroo die...

How do you get a squirrel down the tree?

You pull down your pants and show em your nuts.

George Washington's Cherry Tree

A man approaches his son and asks, "Did you push our outhouse into the ditch yesterday?"

The boy replies "No, father; I didn't push the outhouse into the ditch."

The man says "Did I ever tell you about George Washington, a great American hero? When George Washington was a child, he g...

When I see lovers' nαmes cαrved in α tree, I don't think it's sweet.

I just think it's surprising how mαny people bring a knife on a dαte.

EDIT I removed comments with α since some of you didn't like it.

Also this is an old joke . Look some posts from several years ago. https://twitter.com/biiimurray/status/361654153811996672.

http://www.su...

Why shouldn't you trust trees?

Because they're shady af

I saw a poster on a tree with a man's face. It read: "MISSING PERSON! REWARD £150".

Would you believe it...I was out on a pleasant walk the day after when I found that very guy tied up in the woods down by the river.



So regretfully, I had to give him the £150.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three neighboring sentient trees, an oak a maple, and an elm are cut down in the forest

They are taken to a local saw mill and turned into boards for housing. Miraculously wood from all three trees is used to build a roof on a barn. The oak is turned into a sturdy beam in the center of the roof, and despite the cutting and processing of the wood, thinks he can recognize the boards that...

What kind of tree holds the widest variety of fruit?

The pantry.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man and a woman were dating. She, being of a religious nature, had held back the worldly pleasure that he wanted from her so badly. In fact, he had never even seen her naked.

One day, as they slowly drove down the freeway, she remarked about his slow driving habits. "I can't stand it anymore," she told him. "Let's play a game. For every 5 miles per hour over the speed limit [60 MPH] you drive, I'll remove one piece of clothing."

He enthusiastically agreed and sped...

What did the beaver say to the tree?

"It's been nice gnawing you!"

If you walk into the forest and chop down a tree, but the tree doesn't understand why you chopped it down,

Do you think it's stumped?

An atheist is hiking in the woods...

So an atheist is hiking in the woods when he stumbles across a huge hungry grizzly bear. The bear rears up to full height and gives a roar as it leans in toward the man. The atheist screams in terror "Oh God, help me!!!"

Suddenly, everything--> the bear, the trees, the birds, everything bu...

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An airplane crashed into a jungle

An airplane crashed into a jungle and only two friends sorvived, as they ware walking in the forest, they find the camp of the jungle tribe, their leader sees them and shouts loudly: "FUCK THEM! " and the whole tribe started runing towards them, and they started runing away from them, after a while ...

Today a large tree suddenly fell over right in front of me.

I was stumped.

What do I know about bonsai trees?

Very little. (Edit: wow! Silver, gold, and platinum! Thanks, anonymous Redditor(s). And six (6!) upvotes!)

Did you hear about the pine trees that fought in the forest?

It was a pitched battle.

An atheist dies and goes to hell

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No need to say thank you, everyone gets a ...

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A gecko was walking through the forest, when he saw a lot of smoke at the top of the tree where his friend monkey lived.

"He's got some good stuff there", he thought. He climbed up the tree and met his friend monkey, who was already high.

They smoked together for a while, then the gecko felt very thirsty. "I'll go down to the river and get some water, brb", he said to his friend.

As he was having his fre...

A librarian is working away at her desk when she notices that a chicken has come into the library and is patiently waiting in front of the desk.

A librarian is working away at her desk when she notices that a chicken has come into the library and is patiently waiting in front of the desk. When the chicken sees that it has the librarian's attention, it squawks, "Book, book, book, BOOK!"

The librarian complies, putting a couple of books...

I 3D printed a tree branch today

It's PLA stick

My friend's hobbies include photography and playing in an 80's band. He's a lot like a tree in that way

they both like to photo synthesize

I don’t trust those trees, son.

Son: What?! Why not?

They seem kinda shady to me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two men are walking through the woods when suddenly voices ring out from the trees.

"You call those muscles?" "I bet your grandma is stronger than you" "I could beat you with one flick"

One of the men shouted into the woods, "Oh yeah? You wanna fight? Show yourself cowards!"

His friend laughed and said, "Just ignore them, those are just the Shit-talking mushrooms."

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