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A monkey walks up to the lion and starts taunting him

"You stupid jerk! You cannot do anything to me", the lioness looks at the lion hearing that and gets surprised of his lack of reaction.

The monkey goes on "Imma fuck your momma you stupid lion!", the lion keeps ignoring the monkey, so the lioness asks "honey are you going to allow this peasa...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Pornhub promised to plant 1 tree for every 100 views. Guess what I will do.

I will single handedly save the plant.

Son asked his dad “Dad, what is an alcoholic?”

Dad replied “You see those four trees over there? Well an alcoholic would see eight.”

“Dad, I only see two trees”

When a girl changes her clothes in front of you, she's either really interested or you're level 99 friend-zoned

Or she hasn't spotted you in the tree yet

Why don't you ever see hippos hiding in trees?

Because they're really good at it.

A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree, when it shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!"

The lumberjack grinned, “And you will dialogue!"

I drove my car into a tree the other day...

I wanted to see how my Mercedes Benz.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A turkey was chatting with a bull "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next say, after eating more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally, ...

What’s green, fuzzy, has 4 legs and can kill you if it falls out a tree?

A pool table

What do you call a fish stuck in a tree?

A fish stick!

My 4 year olds first joke.

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

"One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One ...

What's worse than a dead baby nailed to a tree?

A dead baby nailed to three trees.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

3 vampires are having a competition to prove who's the most vicious vampire among them.

3 vampires are having a competition to prove who's the most vicious vampire among them.
The strongest one started 1st, "watch this," He said as he flies so fast, about 100 miles/hour. After only 10 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth. "what happened?" they asked. "did you see tha...

Last Christmas we bought a fake Christmas tree

The guy behind the counter said "Are you going to put it up yourself?" My dad said, "Don't be disgusting. I'm going to put it in the living room."

If you cut down a confused tree,

Then is it stumped?

What did the guy who cut a tree in half by just looking at it say?

I saw it with my own two eyes

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Simple Math (Read out loud for best effect)

Teacher: A guy plants 3 saplings and they all grow up. How many trees are there?

Student: Easy, 3.

Teacher: No, Tree plus Tree plus Tree equals 9.

Student: Wha-

Teacher: Now a truck drives by and splats mud on all the trees. How many trees now?

Student: 9?

T...

A child walks up to his dad and asks: "Dad, what's an alcoholic?"

The father answers: "See those 4 trees over there, son? An alcoholic would see 8".

And the son replied: "But dad, there are only 2 trees".

And the mother: "Why are you guys staring at a tree?"

Tree hugger

A woman from Los Angeles , who was a tree hugger and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland near Grants Pass , Oregon . There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendour of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she ...

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What do you call a tree dick?

A woodpecker.

How do you get a tree-hugger pregnant?

Cedar

What do Alabamans use to show their family tree?

A telephone pole. No branches

went to the garden center today and bought a Christmas Tree. The assistant asked me, “Will you be putting that up yourself?”

I replied, “No, I’ll be putting it up in my living room.”

How does a tree access the internet?

It logs in

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What did the hurricane say to the palm tree?

"You better hold onto your nuts, cause this aint no regular blowjob".

What is the most popular type of tree in California?

Ash.

Why would a tree make an awful Uber?

They can’t decide on a route.

Why don’t you ever see a hippopotamus hiding in a tree?

Because they are awesome at it.

What do you call it when you attend a tree's funeral?

Mourning wood.

What did Groot say when he fell in love with another tree?

I am Groot.

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past.

The lizard looks up and says to the monkey “Hey! what are you doing?” The monkey says “Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold- blooded friend.” So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is ‘dry’, and that he’s goin...

How does a frog get its leaves from a tree?

They rippit

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A koala bear and a lizard are sitting in a tree smoking a joint...

The koala bear eats a lot of eucalyptus and is a little bit bigger so his tolerance is pretty good. The lizard however is a lightweight and loses his shit very quickly. He says to the koala bear “I’m gonna need a drink of water.” So he walks down the branch and takes a drink out of the river. All of...

When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet.

When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet. I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

How did the tree find his wife?

He branched out.

Two police officers crash their car into a tree

. After a moment of silence, one of them says, “Wow, that’s got to be the fastest we ever got to the accident site.”

A truck driver sees a naked man tied to a tree off to the side of the road.

He pulls his rig to the side and approaches the man. The man says to him, "Oh, thank God you're here. I pulled into a gas station to get some gas. I was robbed at gun point, thrown into the trunk of my car and then driven here. Then they stripped me of all of my clothes, took my wedding ring and dro...

If a tree falls in the forest with nobody around to hear it...

Wood someone make a pun out of it?

What’s green, hangs in a tree and shouts: I am an apple! I am an apple!

A crazy pear!

Why was the copper up a tree?

Because he was Special Branch.

If a tree falls...

If a tree falls in the woods and kills someone, did they die of natural causes?

Two hunters lost in the woods

They had been lost for a long time and were both starving. While walking, one of the hunters notices a tree that has thin slices of meat hanging from it. He yells to the other and points towards the tree: "Look, we're saved!!! There's a BACON TREE!!!". He starts running for the tree when all of a su...

What did the dying tree say to the young tree?

I love you... tree thousand

​

:(

A boy asked his uncle, “why did you plant a walnut tree when I was born?”

“Well,” The uncle replied, “I figure you’d both take about 13 years to start nutting”

A man is chopping down a tree

Tree: Oww!

Man: Stop Screaming

Tree: Stop chopping me!

Man: This is my job

Tree: But Im a talking tree

Man: Then you must certainly dialogue..

How Do You Get A One-Armed Man Out Of a Tree?

You Wave.

When I die, I want an almond tree seed to be planted with my body ...

and several years from then, when that tree is full grown, you can all eat my nuts.

Beware the Bacon Tree.

Two men wanted to be the first ones to cross a large desert near their home town. Everyone who has ever tried had either returned exhausted and near death, or hadn't returned at all. Because of this, the men knew that they needed to seek guidance. They had heard of a shaman who would give advice to ...

Why is it easy to come up with nicknames for a tree?

Because they stick.

I came up with this one, I hope it's good cause it's my only achievement in life.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I had sex with an almond tree once

It was at that point in my life i realized i was fucking nuts.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An 8-year-old knocks on the door of a brothel...

The Madam opens it up, looks down and sees the kid. “What do you want?”

The kid says, “I wanna get laid!”

The Madam says, “Yeah, come back in ten years.”

“But I wanna get laid.”

The Madam bends down and says, “Kid, get out of here, come back in ten years. Tell you what, g...

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Two monkeys were sitting in a tree

and a lion was sleeping below them. One monkey said to the other monkey "I dare you to go down there and fuck that lion in the ass."

The other monkey said o.k.

So he goes down the tree and fucks the lion in the ass.

When the lion realized what was happening, he shook the monke...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Carving a boob from a tree would be pretty cool

Wooden tit

Kindergarten janitor, Juan keeps running off to the tree outside because

123.

What do you call trees who are sad about the death of a fellow tree?

Mourning wood

While high on LSD a talking tree told me to overthrow the government.

I said “I can’t”

“That would be treeson”

As a lumberjack i know i have cut down 2,718 trees.

Because every time I cut one down I keep a log.

What do you call a palm tree that wants to be a rapper?

Slim Shady.

Have you ever met a tree surgeon?

They arboring

What does a French lumberjack yell just before the tree falls?

Tomber!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

On the lowest branch of a tree, there is a caterpillar looking at a bud. Hungrily, it says: "I'll be damned if don't eat this bud. But I'll wait until it has bloomed so that I can go and fill my belly !!" and then it waits patiently for the bud to bloom.

Higher on that tree, a sparrow is looking at the caterpillar and says: "I'll be damned if don't eat this caterpillar. But I'll wait until it has eaten the bud so that I can go and fill my belly!! " and then it waits patiently for the caterpillar to eat the bud.

Watching from another branch, ...

What is 1 elephant in a tree?

1 elephant less on the ground!

What is 2 elephants in a tree?

2 elephants less on the ground!

What is 3 elephants in a tree?

A very strong tree!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three men, a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree.

Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby. "Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. ...

What is a tree’s favorite drink?

Root beer!


I need help

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

This guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in his tree.

He looks in the phone book for a gorilla removal service until he finds one.

     "Is it a boy or girl Gorilla?" the service guy asks.

     "Boy," is the man's response.

     "Oh yeah, I can do it. I'll be right there", says the service guy. An hour later the service guy shows u...

Outside my school there is an unfortunate tree

It has been hit by a car, struck by lightning, and now infested with termites.

What a poor sap

A monkey is sitting on a tree, smoking weed...

The lizard walks by, gazes at him in amazement, then asks:

“Hey monkey, what are you doing up there?”

“I’m smoking bud. Come up here bro, sharing is caring.”

So the lizard climbs up the tree and the two smoke a few joints. The lizard isn’t really used to the effects, so he gets ...

Bacon tree

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says.........

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Si, Luis, eet sure sme...

My attractive female neighbor is completely paranoid.

She thinks I'm stalking her or following her.

She's worried that I may be obsessed with her and anytime she hears a noise in her house she is... purified.

Wait, hold on: "petrified".

Sorry, it's not easy reading a diary through binoculars from a tree.

I witnessed a motorcyclist hit a tree today.

The driver walked away without injury though.

I guess the tree was all bark and no bite.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What's the similarity between a vasectomized man and a Christmas tree?

The balls are just for show.

If a tree falls in the forest and nobody hears

my illegal logging business is a success.

What is it called when a tree betrays another tree?

Treeson

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

John is walking through the forest and sees a guy sitting on top of a tree.

The guy has his hands forward like holding a handlebar and going " Vrooom, Vrooom, Vrooooooommm "

John is confused but keeps moving forward and comes across another man on a tree ahead doing the same thing. He too has his hands infront of him like holding an imaginary handlebar and going " Vr...

The koala tree joke.

Why did the koala fall out of the tree?
Because it was drunk.

Why did the second koala fall out of the tree?
Because it was hit by the first.

Why did the third koala fall out of the tree?
Because it thought it was a game and wanted to join in.

Why did the bushman go to ...

What do you call a hillbilly family tree?

A wreath

Two bats sat in a tree...

...One was hungry for blood, so he flew out.

A minute later he came back with his whole face covered in blood.

"Where did you get all that blood?" Asked the second bat eagerly.

"You see that tree over there?"

"No..."

"Me neither."

Why do you never find a Hippopotamus hiding in a tree?

It's really good at it.

Why do people from Alabama not have a family tree?

Because there it's called a family ladder.

I found a Justin Bieber concert ticket nailed to a tree, so I took it...

...You never know when you might need a nail.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

When Jane first met Tarzan in the jungle, she was instantly attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him if he had ever had sex. "Tarzan not know sex." he replied.

Jane explained to him what it was.

Tarzan said, "Ohhh...Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified, Jane said, "Tarzan, you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground.

"Here." she said, pointi...

Why did the tree fall on the computer?

It wanted to log in.

What do you call the lowest fruit on a lime tree?

Sublime

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The panda bear and the lizard were smoking pot in a tree.

At some point the lizard gets thirsty and heads to the river for a drink. Once the lizard gets there he meets the crocodile.

" what's the matter with you ? " asks the crocodile

" I've been smoking pot with the panda bear ,_hi hi_ "

"How dare he giving you drugs ?
that bas...

They say that one tree can make a million matches.

I wonder if this is true. Since I disguised myself as a tree on Tinder, I don't make any matches at all.

Why was the Christmas tree sent to the psych ward?

Because it was suffering from ornamental health issues.

How do you know a palm tree is getting old?

It’s coconuts hang lower than its trunk.

Three monkeys in a tree

Why did the first monkey fall out of the tree?

Because he was dead.

​

Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?

Because he was glued to the first monkey.

​

Why did the third monkey fall out of the three?

Peer pressure.
<...

What does a racist joke and crossing the street have in common?

White people look both ways before they start...

Your mom is like a Christmas Tree...

she gets lit and covered in balls

Crossing the street

Q: Why did the one-handed man cross the street?

A: To get to the second-hand store.

Whats red and white and sits in a tree?

A sanitary owl

3 bucks for climbing a tree

A mom picked up her daughter at an elementary school.
The daughter happily hop in the car and said,"Mommy! I earned 30 bucks today!"

"How?" the mom was both surprised and confused.

"My classmate John paid me 3 bucks to climb a tree, and I climbed 10 times!" the daughter replied. ...

Disappointed by my family tree

Turns out it is a cactus, there's a prick on every branch.

Tree joke (long)

This was told to me by an older Iroqouis man when I was in college: Woodpecker was out foraging for food in the forest when he overheard two trees arguing. It was hard to make out what the trees were saying, so woodpecker flew in closer to listen. He came upon a large beech and a large birch, argu...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A family is having dinner at the table one evening, when the son asks the father, "Dad, how many different kinds of boobs are there?" The father is a little taken aback, but he ponders for a moment before answering...

"Well, my son, a woman goes through three phases in life. In her 20s, her breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they become like pears, still nice, but hanging a bit. But after 50, her breasts become like onions."

The son is confused and asks, "Onions?"

The fathe...

A man walks into a talent agency with his dog claiming it can talk. The agent says, “ok, let’s see if this dog is gonna make us rich”. The guy says, “ Fido, what’s the top of a house called”? Roof! “What’s on a tree”? Bark! “How does sandpaper feel”? Ruff!

The talent agent tells the man off and kicks him out of his office. As the man and the dog are walking down the street the dog looks up at the man and says, “Gee Bob, maybe you should have asked some harder questions “.

Two old ladies that lived in a nursing home always went out to smoke a cigarette under a shade tree once a day.

One day it was raining when the ladies went out to smoke.

One of the ladies pulls out a condom and puts it over her cigarette.

The first lady says, “What are you doing? What’s the condom for?”

The second lady responds, “It keeps the cigarette dry when it it’s raining.”

So...

An old lady phoned the police about her neighbour stripping off in his bedroom with light on and curtains open, the police came round and checked, they said but mam there is a tree blocking the view you cannot see his bedroom window, she replied.

You can if you stand on top of the wardrobe.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A monkey is smoking weed in a tree

and an iguana comes by and sees the monkey and decides to smoke with the monkey.

A while later the iguana suffering from cotton mouth decides to go to the river to drink some water. At the river the iguana runs into an alligator. The alligator sees the Iguana and says “Hey man, whats wrong w...

How are a dog and a tree similar?

They both lose their bark when they’re dead.

Being a professional tree mover must be hard

They always have to uproot their entire operation

What does a tree that’s about to fall need?

Lumber Support

What did one tree say to the other?

Nice trunks.

2 Birds are arguing over what type of tree they are roosted in

The Whippoorwill insists its a Son of a Birch, the Cardinal insists its a Son of a Beech.

They ask their friend, a Woodpecker to settle their argument.

He responds, It's the finest piece of Ash i've ever stuck my pecker in

What do you call two crows being intimate on a tree?

Dichromate

What has six legs, green fur, red balls, and can kill you if it drops on you from a tree?

A snooker table.

What do you call a pear tree that walks, talks, and has a son?

Isn't it obvious? I think it's a pear Ent.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A monkey was smoking a blunt at the top of a tree...

When a lizard walking by smells the weed. She looks up and yells "Hey Monkey! Is that you?"

The monkey looks down and says "Oh hey man, come on up and take some hits."

After climbing up, the lizard starts to toke away with the monkey when she starts to get hungry.
She takes a puff a...

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