Boss: You're fired. Me: *turns in my gun and my badge *

Boss: You're a waiter where did you get those

Ass hat with a badge

Been around for a while but haven't seen it lately.

One hot summer afternoon a police officer pulls into a yard, gets out, and asks an old gentleman, "who owns the property?" The old fella tells the officer that he does, and asks what he can do for him.

The officer, “I’m here to insp...

On the badge you......

My 85-year-old grandfather was rushed to the hospital with a possible concussion. The doctor asked him a series of questions: “Do you know where you are?” “I’m at Rex Hospital.” “What city are you in?” “Raleigh.” “Do you know who I am?” “Dr. Hamilton.” My grandfather then turned to the nurse and sai...

Son: | was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school.

Me: What's that?


Son: A big building with lots of kids.

After 35 years of carrying a gun and a badge.

I’ve decided it’s time to stop impersonating a police officer.

My boss stared at me coldly and grumbled, “You’re fired!" Dejected, I slowly placed my gun and badge on the table. Apparently, he wasn't finished because then he shouted...

“You’re a waiter, brah! Where did you get those!?"

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DEA agent stopped at our farm yesterday.

“We are going to need to search your land for illegally grown drugs.” He said

“That’s fine, but don’t go into that field over there” I replied.

Agitated by this, the officer explodes saying, “do you see this god damn badge son?! This badge means I can go where I please, when I please,...

What do you call the alligator that got it's detective badge?

An investigator.

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How do you turn a pussy into an asshole?

Give him a badge.

I went to Burger King for dinner yesterday and the woman taking my order had a badge near her left breast that said Pat...

Long story short, I got banned from Burger King.

How did Snoop Dogg get his Knot Tying merit badge?

With his hitches and bows.

Two of my married (to each other) geeky friends enjoy couples-themed cosplay.

Every convention I see them in different outfits. One year it was Doctor McCoy and Nurse Chapel. The next they went as Luke and Leia. Then they went as the 4th Doctor and Sarah Jane Smith.

Well, the lady had a baby after that. The next time I saw them, He was dressed up as Number 6 Patr...

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A man is late for dinner and speeding home.

He is pulled over by a cop that had been hiding on the far side of an underpass. While questioning the motorist he asks what the man does for a living.
“Well sir, I’m a rectum stretcher”
Confused the cop asks “what’s exactly does that mean?”
The man explains “well first you start with one ...

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Little Billy was excited to get his Eagle badge but had to pass a final test

Billy and his mates are on a camping trip, when the troop leader said "I have one final test for you, Billy," as he pointed towards a tree. "I need you to identify the front of this tree."

Little Billy walks around the tree, studying it, the troop leader is stumped as Billy proclaims, "obviou...

Yesterday, two young men wearing name badges knocked upon my door. Naturally, I told them to come in, sit upon the sofa and make themselves comfortable.

But when I proceeded to lie down across them, I discovered that they had not succeeded.

I wanted to chat-up the girl serving in the coffee shop, so I looked at her name badge and said:

"That's a beautiful name... Trainee"

I went to park in a parking garage at a hospital the other day and the security guard stopped me and said "sir this garage is for badge holders only"

I said "I have a bad shoulder... That's why I'm here"

So the thing about police badges.

Wouldn't it be great if they were made from "copper"?

An astronomer walked into a bar.

He sat down and ordered a Guinness. The bartender got it for him and, hoping to get a better tip since the bar was slow, decided to make some small talk. Looking him over, the bartender noticed he was wearing a badge from a local observatory.

B: So, you work at the observatory, huh?

...

How did the badge get away with murder?

He pinned it on someone else.

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Modern Day Cowboy

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Texas plains without water.


His horse has already died of thirst.


He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards a...

So if a Chicken carries salmonella, and a Cow carries e-coli, what does a pig carry?

A gun, a badge, and a "get out of jail free" card.

A person calls 911

Operator: 911, what's your emergency?

Caller: I saw a black guy get shot!

Operator: Did you get the shooter's badge number?

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A guy is driving to work one morning, going well over the speed limit, when he gets pulled over.

The cop strides arrogantly over to the man, knowing that he's about to write a huge fine, and asks him why he was driving so fast.

"Sorry officer", the man replies, "but I'm late for work and I have an incredibly important job"

"Oh yeah?", the officer replies, "and just what work do yo...

As a Boy Scout, I failed my cooking badge.

I kept eating the Brownies before they were ready.

Which animal was the best at girls scout club

A Badge-r

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I took so much camp counsellor dick

I got a woodworking badge

Where's the best place to hide after committing a murder?

Behind a badge.

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So I walked into a pub yesterday

I immediately asked the manager if I could be served by the most attractive staff member he had working there.

A lady wearing a habit and a cross round her neck with a name badge saying 'Sister Janet' came and poured me my beer.

I shouted to the manager: "excuse me is this really the s...

A couple walks down the street.

They talk about many things as they walk but eventually shift the topic of conversation to the weather.

The husband says, "Honey, we should hurry up before it starts to rain."

To which the wife replies, "I know these clouds dear, it is not going to rain."

The discussion goes on ...

An old lady is turning 100

She is in great health for her age and regularly walks to the market, post office an the bank with no problems. Since she is living in a small town it is a big deal for the town. On her birthday she is visited by the mayor who presents her with a badge honoring her as the oldest person in the town. ...

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A black man was driving a brand new mercedes

He saw cop lights in his rear view mirror and pulled over. He calmly pulls over to the shoulder of the road and waits for the police officer to knock on the window.

“Goin’ a little fast back there, yeah? License and registration.”

The black man hands over the information and says “Sir...

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A frog walks into a bank to apply for a loan

He addresses the teller by the name on her name badge and says "excuse me, Ms. Whack. I need a loan."

She says "Holy shit, a talking frog!"

"Actually my name is Kermit. And I need a loan."

"You're Kermit the frog?"

"No but I was named after him. My dad is Mick Jagger. He...

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Family reunion with Dad and stepmom

Dear Mom,


We are having a great time here at Camp Hazardous Hills. Grandpa is making me write to you in case you saw the flood on TV and worried. We are OK. Only 1 of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away.


Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on th...

Maraijuana Inspector

A DEA inspector is visiting a farm in Colorado. He introduces himself to the farmer and says "I am here to inspect your farm for maraijuana cultivation". The farmer say "sure you can look around, just DON'T GO to the farm behind the BARN."

The inspector is FURIOUS, whips out his badge and sh...

What do you get when you cross a road with an old lady?

A Boy Scouts badge.

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A black man is driving his Mercedes when he gets pulled over by a cop.

The cop asks him for his license and regristration and begins to question him about his car. "Where'd you get the money to buy such a nice Benz?" The man replies, "I'm a specialty surgeon, I enlarge assholes." Skeptical, the officer asks more about the procedure. The man explains, "First you work a ...

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I recently sailed around the world on one of those “once in a lifetime” cruises.

The cruise was scheduled to take 6 months, visit all 7 continents, and make port calls in over 30 different cities. I was very excited and could not wait.

The cruise began with several uneventful stops along the gulf off Mexico and down the Eastern side of South America. As we neared the sout...

It's like my uncle always said: "The day I can't do my job drunk..."

"...is the day I hand in my badge and gun."

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I told my girlfriend to roleplay as a a Lvl 100 Charizard while we were having sex.

She scratched me and told me that I didn't have enough badges to train her.

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A Doctor is pulled over for speeding...

A doctor is speeding and goes through a blind corner only to find a cop standing there with a radar gun. The cop chases him down and pulls him over. The cop says, "Sir I pulled you over because you were doing almost double the speed limit through that turn."
The doctor replies, "Look I'm an im...

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NSA

In some small town, there was a military base next to a small farm. The NSA got reports that the farm has been listening all the bases communications. So bunch of NSA agents show at the doorstep of the farm. One young agent goes to the farmer and tells him:

"I am from the NSA and we have repo...

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A gentleman gets pulled over by a State Trooper for speeding.

The Trooper walks up to the window. He demands license and insurance and asks, "Why were you going so fast? I clocked you at 82 in a 60".

The gentleman replies, "I'm late for work, and my job is pretty important".

The Trooper is pretty frustrated at this point, thinking "Another prick ...

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A DEA agent is investigating some farms...

On one particular farm he walks up to the farmer who was doing some work in one of his fields and says, "Sir, I'm from the DEA and I'm inspecting some farms in the area to make sure there are no illegal drugs being grown"
The farmer replies, "Alright, but just don't go in that field"
The DEA a...

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A police officer is returning home drunk..

A police officer returns home drunk in his car from a colleague's house. He is driving safely, until suddenly a patrol on the side of the road motions him to stop by for a check. He quickly draws out his badge, confident that his colleagues will believe it and says: ''Don't worry colleagues, I've dr...

The police chief is interviewing applicants for a detective job.

The chief says to the three applicants "Alright, one of the most important things for a detective is to have good observational skills, so I'm going to give you all a little test. You'll each get a photo to examine for just five seconds, then you have to tell me what you notice about the subject's a...

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A cop shows up at a farmer's farm,

A cop shows up at a farmer's farm and asks if he can check his land for any illegal activities. The farmer tells him that is fine as long as he doesn't go to the field next to the barn. The cop gets angry and shouts at the farmer and takes out his badge. "YOU SEE THIS BADGE !THIS BADGE GIVES ME PERM...

A week before Memorial Day, kids bring pictures of veteran family members to school for show and tell.

First up was Mary. "My daddy served in Afghanistan. He was a paratrooper."

"A paratrooper?" Asked the teacher, who was awed.

"Yes, please look closer -- you can see his jump badge."

Second was Joe. "My granny served in Vietnam. She was a doctor."

"A doctor?" Asked the tea...

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LONG: Border Patrol at the Ranch (Cursing)

Once, my Grandfather and I were outside working on a tractor when a Border Patrol Agent comes screaming up the road to a sliding stop right in front of the barn.

A short little man gets out and walks up to Granddad and says, "Sir. I'm Officer Carson. We've had a report that you are using ille...

The power of authority

A cop agent goes to a property and tells the owner, an old farmer:

"I need to inspect your property." There's a complaint that you have an illegal plantation

The farmer says:

"Okay, inspect whatever you want, but do not go to that camp there. And points to a certain area.
...

A compass, a cough drop, and a match.

As a Boy Scout, we would camp a lot and go on hikes.


One night, we had to do a night hike, alone, for a merit badge. I had left the campsite about an hour earlier and a terrible storm rolled in. The sky opened up and the ground was quickly saturated. I tried to continue my hike for anothe...

[Long] An FBI agent pulls up to a farm...

An FBI agent pulls up to a farm and tells the farmer there that he's conducting a search warrant on the premises that there has been illegal activity reported at the farm.
The farmer looks at the warrant and tells the FBI officer to proceed. After looking around for a while the FBI points out to ...

Home Loan Troubles

So one day Kermit the frog decides that he wanted to buy this new condo by the beach. He goes into the nearest bank and strolls up to the counter. In front of him there was this teller with name badge blaring "Paddywhack".
Kermit says "I want a loan". She goes through usual procedure then asks hi...

Literary alcohol puns

I saw someone post some the other day. Has anyone thought of any new ones?

Here are a couple my friends and I thought of...

50 Shades of Grey Goose,
Into the Wild Turkey,
Beer and Present Danger,
Patriot Drinking Games,
The Sum of All Beers (I like Tom Clancy),
The Red B...

Texas Sheriff's Exam

A young Texan grew up wanting to be a lawman.

He grew up big, 6' 2", strong as a longhorn, and fast as a mustang. He could shoot a bottle cap tossed in the air at 40 paces.

When he finally came of age, he applied to where he had only dreamed of working: the West Texas Sheriff's Depart...

Short comical narrative I wrote

The detective’s heels clicked on the cement steps as he approached the door. The deputy ducked under the police line behind him. He knocked and the door was slowly opened by the woman. The blue and red lights were reflected in her wet eyes.
“Mrs. Johnson?” He asked.
“Yes. . . ?” The wo...

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Sex

A Hell's Angel is doing the deed with his girl in the back seat of a car. He hears a tap-tap-tap on the window, looks up, sees a flashlight shine on a badge and then into the back seat, and a gravely voice say, "I'm next."

He starts quivering and shaking, and his girl asks him what is the mat...

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The teacher asks little Johnny to tell the class what he thinks sex is

Little Johnny was getting to that age, so in class the teacher wanted to know how much each student knew about sex. For that, she asked everyone to explain sex as they understood it.

First, little Mary explained it with the classic Birds and the Bees speech. "Good job, Mary", said the teache...

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