The Wine Taster At An Old Vineyard Died. A Homeless Guy, Looking Ragged And Dirty, Came To Apply. He Persuaded The Manager To Give Him A Try.

The guy was given a glass of wine. He swirled, smelled, sipped and spit. “It's a red wine, Merlot, three years old, grown on the South Slope and matured in oak barrels." He said. "Impressive," said the manager.

The man is given another. "Still a red wine, Cabernet, eight years old, from the N...

A man in rags parks a 40-year-old pickup truck next to a printing store and walks up to the counter.

He says:

- I need 20 pictures of Kim Kardashian. I'll pay later.

The store clerk agrees and makes the prints. The truck guy drives away with them. Some time later, he comes back in decent clothes and a 20-year-old truck, pays for the 20 pictures and says:

- I need 50 pictures of...

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Rags To Riches Success Story

A real touching success story! 

Every morning, the CEO of a large bank in Manhattan walks to the corner for a shoe shine.  He sits in an armchair, examines the Wall Street Journal and the shoe shiner buffs his shoes to a mirror shine. 

One morning the shoe shiner asks the CEO: "What do...

An innocent joke to cheer you up...

Lulu, a little girl asks her mum, "Mum, can I take Daisy (a dog) for a walk around the block?"

Mum replies "No, because she is in heat."

"What does that mean?" asked Lulu.

"Go and ask your father. I think he's in the garage."

Lulu goes out to the garage and says,
"Dad,...

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In an alcohol factory the regular tester died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.

A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position. The director of the factory wondered how to send him away. They tested him. They gave him a glass with a drink. He tried it and said,”It’s red wine, a muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers.” “...

I went from rags to riches

While reading the dictionary

‌‌A R‌‌oman s‌‌oldier i‌‌s b‌‌ragging t‌‌o h‌‌is f‌‌riend, "‌‌You'll n‌‌ever g‌‌uess w‌‌ith h‌‌ow m‌‌any w‌‌omen I‌‌'ve s‌‌lept!"

"Mmm?"

"Nah, n‌‌ot t‌‌hat m‌‌any"

Today I saw a little boy wearing rags sitting on a curb

I said, "Awww, are you an orphan"? He said, "Yes, what gave me away?" I said, "Your parents."

A ragged looking teen is begging for food on the street

A guy comes along and buys him a sandwich. He asks the kid, “are you an orphan?”

The kid replies, “yes I am. What gave me away?”

The guy says, “obviously, your parents”

Guy and his comforter.

A newly married guy from a village went back to the city for his job. He went alone so that he could make living arrangements for him and his wife and then he'd take his wife as well. Once he got a decent apartment, he wrote a letter to his father in the village saying that father, please send my wi...

While walking down the street one day, a senator is tragically hit by a truck and killed.

His soul arrives in Heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.


"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."


"No problem, just let ...

A competition is held to determine who is the world's best magician

David Blaine performs first with his famous trick. He waves his hand, and, *poof*, the card disappears.

David Copperfield performs next. He waves his hand, and, *poof*, the Statue of Liberty disappears.

Finally, a guy with a beard dressed in rags and sandals comes on stage. Nobody expe...

It was a dark time on the street.

War had come to Sesame Street. Big Bird lay bleeding with a piece of shrapnel sticking out of his side. As he lay there. Oscar the grouch came over to speak with him.
Oscar: How are you doing general bird?
Big Bird: Never mind that now commander what is the letter and number of the day?
Osc...

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Through a poorly-worded genie wish, a man now has a 20-inch-long penis.

While the bragging rights were good for a few days, the man soon realizes that his dick is uncomfortable and unusable, and he must find a solution. He begins asking the local enchanters and witches if they have any suggestions, and finally gets a lead that the enchanted forest over yonder is home to...

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Over the last few months I became a victim of a clever scam while shopping at Home Depot.

Simply going out to get supplies


has turned out to be very traumatic for me. Don't be


naïve enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your


friends. Here's how the scam works:


Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over

...

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An elderly Jewish man is sitting on a park bench reading the Tehran Times

A friend sees him and says, "Oy, Moishe! How can you read that rag? Don't you know the things they say about us?"

To which the man replies, "Well, I used to read to read the Jewish papers, but they're so depressing. Every headline is 'Jews Being Persecuted!' 'Jews Living in Poverty!' 'Jews Be...

What’s the best part of fingering a gypsy on her rag?

You get your palm red for free

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Odin and Thor were walking through a canyon with a large group of warriors when Odin stopped Thor and signaled him to be quiet and listen.

After a moment, Odin shouted into the wilderness, “IS THAT YOU, VAL?”

Thor stood waiting and listenin, then whispered, “All-Father, I didn’t hear anything.”

Odin replied, “I thought I heard Val holla.”

Thor listened again. “What did Val say?”

Odin replied, “It was just...

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I wake up at around 7am to hear this pounding at my door as if it’s about to cave in

So I open the door and I see this 6ft cockroach. Before I can even ask him how’s he doing he picks me up and flings me across the hallway of my house. Moving at rapid speed he’s got me in a headlock and delivers some devastating punches. I’m gutted to say I passed out from the sheer pain. Next day w...

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Two Israelis are sitting on the beach in Tel Aviv...

... reading newspapers. One is reading a reputed newspaper published in Tel Aviv, but the other is reading an anti-Semitic propaganda paper published by Iranian subverts.

The first guy asks the second: "why in God's name are you reading that anti-Semitic rag?"

The second guy responded...

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La Tonga (NSFW)

Once upon a time there were two explorers, John Smith and James errmm..Smith ,doing what they did best....exploring. After 2 weeks of sailing they came to shore on what looked like a deserted island.

Hopping off, they eagerly went on a trek through the beautiful tropical forest before them. ...

So a politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

‟So, you’re a politician...”
‟Well, yes, is that a problem?”
‟Oh no, no problem. But we have recently adopted a new system for people in your line of wo...

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I finally bought myself a new cum rag

I splurged

What do you call a Canadian rag?

Reggae

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What a beach!

A flea is lying on the beach, getting some sun and relaxation when he sees another flea approaching. This second flea is ragged, worn out looking and seems very exhausted.
The first flea, curious, asks the second flea what his problems were?
The second flea replies “I’ve hopped from th...

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So, two guys emigrate from Afghanistan to the US

They say, let's meet in 10 years and see who has become more American. 10 years pass and they meet. One guy says " Today I mowed the lawn, took my son to little league, and went to McDonalds. Let's see you top that." The other guy says "you fucking rag head."

The rain was pouring and there was a big puddle in front of the pub.

A ragged old man was standing there with a rod and hanging a string into the puddle.
A curious gentleman came over and asked what he was doing. "Fishing", the old man said simply. "Poor old fool", the gentleman thought, and he invited the ragged old man to a drink in the pub.

He felt he ...

One Sunday morning an old ragged cowboy entered a church just before services were to begin.

Although the old man and his clothes were spotlessly clean, he wore jeans, a denim shirt and boots that were very worn and ragged.

In his hand he carried a worn out old hat and a equally worn out Bible. The church he entered was in a very upscale and exclusive part of the city. It was the lar...

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A lone traveler needed to stop and wait out a storm.

A lone traveler needed to stop and wait out a storm. She came across a church settled near the top of a mountain far away from civilization, and decided to ask for them to lend hospitality to her. A nun greeted her at the entrance when she approached the church, and lead her inside. There, she was g...

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Boris Johnson dies...

His soul arrives in heaven and he is met by St.Peter at the Pearly Gates. Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there's a problem: We seldom see a Conservative here and we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in; I'm a believer," says Johnso...

I'm writing a musical about a rag-tag team of Breitbart columnists standing up to the mainstream media elites.

It's called Fake Newsies.

Mechanic vs. heart surgeon ... similar jobs?

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop.

The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike when the

mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I as...

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Another World War II political joke that my grandfather told me.

You guys seem to like my last one so here's another one of my grandad's World War II jokes. Like I said I'll try to retell it like he did.

>There's this rabbi sitting down at a cafe reading a newspaper. One of his congregants notices that he's reading the Daily Stormer, which was the Nazi ...

A hobo, all rags and dirty face walks into a fine restaurant.

He approaches the waiter and politely asks: "Excuse me, Sir. I know I don't belong here, but may I ask you for a fork, please?"

The waiter, obviously relieved the hobo doesn't intent to stay, agrees and gives him a fork. The hobo thanks the waiter and leaves with his fork.

Only seconds...

A muscular man walks into the bar with a tiny ragged doll

"What can I get you?" the bartender asks.
“A whiskey, neat, keep it coming” the muscular man orders.
Drink after drink, the bartender finally gathered the courage to ask;
"Why did you carry that tiny ragged doll around?
No offence sir, but one would normally assume it’s not your...

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A man smelling of alcohol and weed sat next to a priest on a bus.

The man’s clothes were ragged and dirty, there was pink lipstick on his collar, and an almost empty bottle of rum stuck out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

A few minutes later he turned to the priest and said, "Tell me Father, do you happen to know what causes arthr...

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Blood rags.

What did one tampon say to the other tampon?
Nothing they're both stuck up cunts!

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A man walks into a pub [NSFW]

As he sits down, a man in rags walks in. All the people start chanting, with hostility, "rat fucker! Rat fucker!" The stranger sits down next to the man, ignoring all the insults, orders a pint, then splits.

The second day, the man comes back, and the same stranger walks in, to the chants of ...

My window cleaner was banging on my window shouting and swearing!

I thought to myself: He’s lost his rag.

A Mouse and A Lion walk into a Bar

They’re sitting there chugging away at a few beers when a giraffe walks in. “Get a load of her” says the mouse, “I fancy that!”

“Well, why not try your luck?” says the lion.

So the mouse goes over to the giraffe and starts talking to her, and within five minutes they’re out the door an...

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A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender,

"If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. ...

- Hello. I want to return the robot vacuum cleaner I bought from you a week ago. The agreement allows it?

\- Yes, just tell me what you didn't like, we will inform the manufacturer.

\- Everything is in order, I just no longer need a vacuum cleaner. After he sucked the cat three times, My cat learned to use a brush, rag, scoop, and report a full bin.

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Moe’s Saloon in the Old West was seeing a lot of customers lately...

It was getting busier and busier by the day, so much so that there was barely a seat left in the whole joint. The hotshots were playing poker, the 49-ers were drinking and cat-calling the dames. The piano was playing, the whiskey was flowing, everyone was having the time of their lives. Suddenly, th...

They lifted there blades, in one last final assault...

The battle was long, perilous, and gruesome. The twins made it through nearly three quarters of the enemy battalion before reaching the final lines of the fray. Wielding naught but rags and broken tools after their endless nightmare, they saw the end stretching over the thin horizon.

One last...

The creator of the Sham Wow:

A true rags to riches story.

How to get out of friendzone

"Hey does this rag smell like chloroform to you?" Works everytime

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Tarzan knew nothing about sex when he met Jane

So Jane decide to teach him in a way that he would understand.
"listen Tarzan, what you've got between your legs is a dirty rag and what I have between my legs is a washing machine. So you just have to wash your rag in my washing machine."
Tarzan began to grow extremely fond of his newfound se...

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A farmer goes out and buys a new, young rooster. As soon as he brings him home, the young rooster rushes and screws all 150 of the farmers hens. The farmer is impressed.

At lunchtime, the young rooster again screws all 150 hens. The farmer is not just impressed anymore,he is worried. Next morning,not only is the rooster screwing the hens but he is screwing the turkeys,ducks even the cow. Later farmer looks out into the barnyard and finds the rooster stretched out, l...

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A young punker gets on a cross-town bus.

He's got spiked, multi-colored hair that's green, purple and orange. His clothes are a tattered mix of leather rags. His legs are bare and he's without shoes. His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewelry and his ear-rings are big, bright feathers. He sits down in the only vacant seat, d...

Two Israelis are sitting on the beach in Tel Aviv, reading.

One has got a quality newspaper, the other an antisemitic rag. "Why on earth are you reading that?" one asks. "I used to read a quality paper like you," the other sighs, "but I couldn't handle it any more – the rockets from Gaza and Hezbollah getting stronger every day and the Iranian nuclear progra...

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A man's lifelong dream was to meet the pope.

For years and years, he scrimped, scrounged, and saved up all his money for a lavish trip to Italy.

Wanting to look his best for the pontiff, he had a custom-fitted suit tailored to his exact measurements and bought the finest Italian leather boots money could buy.

The next morning h...

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Merkel, Trump, and Putin are at a military inspection

They are standing at a dock. Trump points at an American submarine: "Our American submarines are so well-made, they can last half a year under water without having to resurface a single time in-between!". Putin shows himself unimpressed and points at a Russian submarine: "That's nothing, our Russian...

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A manager of a small restaurant just discovered that someone in their town tested positive for COVID-19

The manager calls a meeting of his three employees--an Italian, a Scottsman, and a Japanese man.

The manager says to the Italian, "Sanitize everything in the kitchen!"

The manager then says to the Scottsman, "Make new to-go flyers! All our new dishes need to be on there!"

The ma...

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Three drunk hobos were having an argument over who has the dirtiest underwear

"I have the dirtiest boxers in the entire city," says the first hobo.

As proof, he takes off his filthy brown stained boxers and throws it at a nearby wall.

The boxers stuck to the wall for 10 seconds, before peeling off and landing on the ground with a sickening plop.

Unimpress...

A man walks into a bar, “wanna hear a trump joke?”

The bartender puts down the rag he was cleaning with and looks up. “Buddy, before you go and tell that joke I think you ought to know I voted for mr. Trump... see those big guys down at the end of the bar? They voted Trump as well. Now, are you sure you wanna tell your little joke?”

The man l...

Santa spots a girl atop a tree...

He notices her ragged clothes and lack of undergarments.

Pitying the girl and in Christmas spirit, he asks her to come back down and gives her a crisp €5 bill. He implores her to splurge on a fresh set of underwear and have a great Christmas.

The girl, greatly delighted, heads back hom...

Three married businessmen meet for their annual camping trip.

As they see each other only this time of the year, they have a lot to talk about. On their last day in the woods, the men decide to go for a little walk. Suddenly, they hear someone whimper. They follow the noise to a well and with combined efforts, they rescue a little fairy from its ground.
...

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A guy desperately wants to meet the pope.

A guy desperately wants to meet the pope. He travels to the Vatican and stands in the plaza waiting for the pope to appear. The pope walks right past him. Disappointed, he thinks 'I have to stand out! I have to look good so the pope sees me!' He goes to the finest tailor in Italy and gets the works....

Professional taster

In a winery in Napa Valley, California, a new wine tester has just died. The president of the company worriedly published the newspaper, looking for a replacement. A mysterious drunk, ragged clothes came to apply for a job. The employer wanted to kick him drunk and go away but still wanted to test ...

Damn Dirty Hippie

I live near a small store way out in the country close to a hippie commune. They're good people for the most part, although a bit smelly sometimes.

I was in there one day and a long-haired, scraggly looking fellow came in. He had a ten-dollar bill in one hand and was naked as the day he was b...

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Old Men Scam

>**Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc.  This is the first warning I have seen for men.  I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it.  A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at Lowe's, Home Depot, Sam’s ...

A citizen was cited for a tax investigation in the IRS.

Frightened, he asked his accountant how to dress.


-"Use rags, they'll think you're a beggar," the accountant replied.

When he asked his lawyer, he told him the exact opposite:

-'Don't let them intimidate you. Wear your best suit and most elegant tie'


Confused, t...

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[NSFW] A homeless man walked into a piano bar

No one was playing the piano so he asked the manager if he could play.
The manager, seeing the ragged dirty old man refused, but he was persistent and begged
“Oh please just one song, I’m REALLY good I promise”
So he allowed him, “Okay one song, but then you must leave”
The homeless ma...

I met a little boy today.

He was sitting on the curb, dressed in rags. He had his face in his hands and it looked like he was crying.


I felt kinda bad he was all alone, so I went and sat down beside him.


I said, "Are you an orphan, little guy?"


As he looked up, his eyes were still red and his...

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I want to live my next life backwards....

You start out dead and get that out of the way right off the bat.

Then, you wake up in a nursing home feeling better every day.

When you are kicked out of the home for being too healthy, you spend several years enjoying your retirement and collecting benefit checks.

When you sta...

Twin sisters just turned 100 years old

Twin sisters just turned one hundred years old in St. Luke's Nursing Home and the editor of the Cambridge rag, "The Cambridge Distorter," told a photographer to get over there and take the pictures of these 100 year old twin bitteys.

One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could h...

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Two guys get captured by a primitive tribe on a remote island.

The first guy is taken to the tribe chief.

The chief says: You have two options: Giri-Giri or death

The first guy thinks to himself: "Anything is better than death."

Guy 1: I choose Giri-Giri

The whole tribe fucks him in the ass for the entire day

He comes to guy 2...

A young altar boy walks into a room with a priest

The priest instructs him to observe his surroundings.

"What do you see"

"I see a light, and some walls, and a door."

"Now, what do you hear"

"I hear birds chirping and the wind blowing."

The priest gestured to the boy and showed him a small rag.

"Now, what d...

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A man wakes up after a plane crash

he finds himself on a beach with nothing around but palm trees, sand and the noise of the water hitting the sand bay.

Despite his pain in every single part of his body, he manages to get up and walk along the beach. Some airplane parts are lying around too and slowly the man realises, he must...

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A man is lost in the desert [nsfw]

He has plenty of food and water, enough to survive for a long time; what is really bothering him is that since he hasn't seen another soul for weeks, he is really, really horny.

In the distance he spots a camel and decides he's going to fuck it. He's pretty good at catching up to the camel, ...

What’s the most effective chat up line in the world?

Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

She hurried to the pharmacy to get medication,

got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys inside. The woman found an old rusty coat hanger on the ground. She looked at it and said, "I don't know how to use this."

She bowed her head and asked God to send her some help. Within 5 minutes a beat-up old motorcycle pulled up, ...

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Worst Injury Imaginable

A South American guy gets into a terrible accident. When he comes to in the hospital, he looks down and sees a bloody rag covering his groin, and notices he can't feel his penis.

A doctor walks into his hospital room and the guy looks at him, and says, through tears "Give it to me straight, D...

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Veteran Wine Taster

At a wine merchant's warehouse the regular taster died, and the director started looking for a new one to hire. He posted a sign at the entrance to the building... EXPERIENCED WINE TASTER NEEDED --POSITION STARTS IMMEDIATELY.

A retired veteran named "Ace," drunk and with a ragged dirty look a...

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A cowboy walks into a deserted saloon...

And there's no tinkling waltz on the piano, no gentle buzzing about the days activities, it's empty. A mournful bartender polishes an immaculate glass and halfheartedly waves away a fat, clueless fly.

The cowboy sidled into a stool and fished a coin out of his pocket. He flicked it with his t...

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