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What's the difference between a Grey Hound bus station and a lobster with boobs

One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean

After several months of hounding, a guy finally takes his wife golfing ....

On no. 8, she hits an errant shot right behind a barn. She asks her husband, "now what am I gonna do?" The husband replies, "don't worry, I'll just open the barn doors and you'll have a clear shot right to the pin!" He opens the doors and the wife lets fly a line drive that hits the support post,...

This Thanksgiving, when your family asks if you're joking when they hound you about having children...

...tell them you're not kidding.

If a dog works hard investigating and helps catches criminals and listens to a cop, it's a Police Hound

but if the dog did the same thing but listened to a Private Investigator it's a Snoop Dog

You've been warned

A stranger enters a store and spots a sign: DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! Inside, he sees a harmless old hound asleep on the floor.
"Is that the dog we're supposed to be aware of?" he asks the owner.
"That's him," comes the reply.
"He doesn't look at all dangerous to me. Why would you post t...

Why did Cersei cut off The Hound's balls?

Because a Lannister always spays his pets.

An Aussie walks into a British pub...

An Aussie walks into a British pub, saunters up to the bar and orders two beers: one for him and one for his four-legged friend. As the barman places the beers on the counter he glances at the beast lying at the Aussie's feet. The barman raises one eyebrow and says "That is surely the ugliest dog I...

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A fly is buzzing around a wolf hound.

Fly: What kind of dog are you?

Dog: I'm a wolf hound.

Fly: A wolf hound? Strange name . Why do they call you like that?

Dog: Well, it's quite obvious. My mother was a hound and my father was a wolf.

Fly: I see...

Dog: So, what kind of fly are you?

Fly: I'm a...

Why was Mozart hounded by creditors?

They did not appreciate being paid in Arias.

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A man reads an advertisement in the paper for the best raccoon hound ever and decides to go have a look.

The man reaches out to the person who placed the ad and scheduled a date and time to meet. Upon arriving at the agreed-upon location, a patch of woods in Mississippi, the owner of the raccoon hound informs the man that this is in fact the best coonhound he has ever seen or owned. However the owner e...

A man wakes up at 2:22 sharp and gets dressed.

He goes down to the coffee shop and his order comes to $2.22. He finds $2 on his windshield and arrives to work in exactly 2 minutes. “All these 2s” he thinks “ maybe it could mean something”

So he goes down to the hound racing at bets all his savings, his house and his car on #2 and watches ...

How do you eat the Flesh Hounds?

WH40K Humor: I don't know about you, but I prefer my Khorne Dogs with ketchup.

Two rabbits were chased by hounds

They ran until they couldn't run anymore. Holed up in a hollow log, the rabbits were safely out of reach while the hounds bayed outside.

The boy rabbit looked at the girl rabbit and asked, "What do we do now?"

"We stay here until we outnumber them."
- Woody Guthrie

Two old rednecks were sitting outside of a gas station...

Between them there was an old hound dog laying on the concrete, licking it's balls.

One redneck was looking at the dog and said "I really wish I could do that!"

The other redneck looks down and says, "Well, you can try, but he'll probably bite ya."

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There once was this guy......

There once was this guy who was going on a date to the movies with a beautiful girl. Before he went, he made the mistake of eating a jumbo can of beans. Right after he picked her up, he felt the need to fart, but he figured he could wait until they got to the movies.

When they got there, he a...

So Mama Rabbit and Papa Rabbit are trapped in this hollow log.

They had been chased by the old farmer's hound dogs across three field, two fences and a gulley. They never slowed down. They never gave up, but still they hadn't managed to get away. Seeing the log, they ran in as a last resort.

With a hound dog barking and yapping at either end, Mama Rabbit...

First Day in the Monastery

A young man joined an order of Benedictine monks. On his first day, the aged Abbott takes him on a tour of the monastery. The young novice is shown to the cells where the monks sleep, the chapel where the monks pray, the mess hall where they eat. Finally, the Abbott takes the new recruit to see t...

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Three dogs are chasing after a sexy poodle.

^^inb4 ^^flurries

Three dogs are chasing after a poodle because they desire her. They chase her down a few back alleys, and upon cornering her in a dead end, the poodle proposes something to the three.

"The one who can make me laugh with a joke shall be my lover."

Easy enough, r...

Is it possible to have the word ‘and’ five times in a row in an English sentence, while still being grammatically correct?

A man had just bought a pub, The Fox and Hound, and wanted a big new sign for it outside, so that potential customers would know that it was under new management and come a try it out.

So, he contracted a sign-maker to make the sign for him. A week later, the sign-maker came back to him with ...

An Irish Setter, a Dalmatian, and a Beagle were talking

The Irish Setter says to the Beagle: "I am excited for the party next weekend."
The Dalmatian says: "Me too."
The Beagle says to the Setter and the Dalmatian: "You guys weren't invited."
The Irish Setter and the Dalmatian both say: "What? Why not?"
The Beagle says: "Probably because you ...

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A dwarf is sent to prison for securities fraud

One night he is able to slip under the fence and escape. He runs into the woods for as long as he can, and decides to hide in a tree, in case the guards come to track him down. After some time he falls asleep, being exhausted from running so far. He dreams of freedom and spending his hidden fortune....

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Guy walks into a bar...NSFW

...he notices a jar stuffed full of cash sitting on the counter with a sign reading “Win This Jar of Cash!”

Guy asks Bartender: Hey, how do I win that jar of cash?

Bartender: Well you need to complete 3 tasks.

Guy: Okay. What are they?

Bartender: Number 1..See that gen...

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How Many Dogs Does It Take to Change a Light Bulb?

**Golden Retriever**: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?

**Border Collie**: Just one. And I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

**Dachshund**: I can't reach the stupid la...

I don't understand how Elvis got so fat

He ate nothing but a hound dog

You Get What You Pay For

A woman went out to her yard one morning and found her dog just laying there, not moving at all. She thought it might be dead, but since it was a basset hound and never moved much anyway, she wanted to be sure... after all, she didn't want to bury it and then find out it wasn't dead. So she took it ...

A 30 centimeter tall doctor

Goes to the captain of the ship he is in charge of. With genuine sadness in his eyes he asks:

- Captain why do I have to be so short? I can't handle it anymore, everyone keeps making fun of me.

The captain, understanding his problem, replies.

- Listen closely. This ship is spec...

The Pope visits Las Vegas

The Pope was making a widely publicised and controversial visit to Las Vegas. His publicity advisors warned him that the trip would be fraught with risks, but the holy man insisted that the gambling capital of the world was exactly the kind of place that the church should be trying to spread its mes...

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The Las Vegas Ice Cream Eating Contest

The Scooper Duper Creamery was a small ice cream shop on the Vegas Strip. They would hold ice cream eating contests on the weekends that, being in Vegas, would be bet on by the tourists.

Anyone could sign up to participate in the challenge if they were daring enough. To win, one would have t...

Collection of dog Jokes

what do you call batman's dog? a Bat Terrier

What do you call sleeping puppies? Hush Puppies

what do you call a magic dog? A; a labra-cadabra-brador

what do you call count draculas dog? a blood hound

why is it called a litter of puppies? because theyll trash the place
...

A Texan Is Walking Around Rural Ireland With A Very Aggressive & Dangerous Looking Pit Bull On A Leash.

He passes a ramshackle farm with an old man standing outside of it leaning on the gatepost & smoking a pipe who is looking very curiously at the pit bull.

Farmer:- "Bejaysus, what kind of dog is that??....NEVER seen one like it before!!"

Texan:- "Well sir, this here is what you cal...

So an elf walks into an animal shelter...

...and, being from the North Pole, he wants a hound dog to run a transport system. This particular shelter stocks only mutts.

On the first day, the elf says, "What type of dog is that one there?" he asks, pointing to a cage. "That's a cross between a Labrador and a Poodle," responds the clerk...

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