If any of you here are thinking of getting married, consider the following before you do.

On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring.

On the other hand, you don’t.

I've been reading 'Lord Of The Rings' and apparently, Gollum was once a normal man, but wearing the ring drained him of his youth, energy and any joy in life...

Must be the same ring I put on when I got married...

A man rings the doorbell of a small house and an old woman answers.

“I’m sorry,” the man says, “but I’m afraid I’ve run over your cat. I’d like to replace it if I can.”

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“All right,” the old woman says. “But how good are you at catching mice?”

I went to a Lord of the Rings themed restaurant. The food was horribly authentic and the waitress was as uglier than an Orc, but I have to give her credit. There was a table of 12 and it only took her ...

...one bring to gruel them all.

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.” She thinks for a moment, then drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few sec...

A wife is like a hand grenade.

Pull the ring and your house is gone

A woman is getting lunch ready when the phone rings.

“This is the middle school calling about your son Phillip. He’s been caught telling unbelievable lies.”

“I’ll say he has,” the woman replies. “I don’t have a son.”

A blonde rings up an airline and asks: "How long are your flights from America to England?"

The woman on the other end of the phone replies: "Just a minute". The blonde thanks her and hangs up the phone.

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Notre Dame joke: A priest advertises a job to ring the bell at Notre Dame and the only applicant is a hunchback with no arms...

The priest asks "How can you do the job? You can't pull the rope!" Hunchback: "I have a plan - but we have to go to the top of the tower to where the bell is." So they climb all those stairs to the top of the tower. The priest says "Ok, what's your plan?"

The hunchback runs and jumps at the b...

There was a church that had a bell that no one could ring.

One day, a boy came and asked the priest if he could try. He went up into the tower and ran straight into the bell face-first. The bell tolled loud and clear. The priest gave him the job.
One Sunday, the boy ran straight toward the bell with his face and missed, so he fell off the tower and died....

A boy wants to ring a giant bell...

As a boy is walking down the street, he spots a bell tower. Seeing the bell, he makes his way to the very top of the tower. When he gets to the top, he finds a priest, just standing there.

The boy asked the priest "Is it okay if I ring the bell, Father?"

The priest replied "By all mea...

The new image shows the black hole having bright ring formed as photons from light gets drawn in the intense gravity around a black hole that is 6.5 billion times more massive than the Sun…

..but it still doesn't suck more than your Mom.

I bought my wife a mood ring.

Found out if she's in a good mood it turns green.

If she's in a bad mood it leaves big red circles on my forehead.

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whats the difference between lord of the rings and new york?

two towers

What is an accountant’s favourite Lord of the Rings movie?

The Return of the King

The 3 rings of a relationship

Engagement ring
Wedding ring
Suffering

Did you hear about the kid who lost his lord of the rings LEGO set?

He was LEGO less.

I lost my mood ring the other day.

I don’t exactly know how to feel about it.

Everytime a bell rings my dog comes out swinging.

That's because he's a Boxer.

I was at the supermarket, looked three freezers down and saw the most beautiful busty blonde picking out Asian dinners. I took a quick glance at her hand and saw no wedding ring! Well, as you can imagine, I promptly did what any virile, red-blooded man would do with this opportunity...

I got really nervous, said absolutely nothing, and strictly avoided eye-contact at all costs...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

When I was out today, I saw a phone on the table outside a coffee shop that had been left there, so I pocketed it. It started to ring....

I took it out of my pocket and the caller I.D. said 'Mom'.

I put it back on the table and slowly backed away.

How the fuck did she know I was up to no good?

A church puts an ad in the newspaper for a person to ring the bell in the belfry on Sunday mornings.

No one applies for the position except for a young man with no arms.

The church administrator isn’t sure he can handle the job, but the man climbs the tower and rings the bell using just his head. On his first Sunday on the job, the man gets a little too excited and hits the bell a little to...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint, and the phone rings ...

He jumps up, shouting: "oh shit, I forgot to feed the dog!"

A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Hanukkah.

After hearing about this extravagant gift, a friend of his says, “I thought she wanted one of those sporty four-wheel-drive vehicles.”

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“She did,” he replies. “But where was I going to find a fake Jeep?”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

After my divorce, my friend asks "So how does it feel when you fiddle with your ring finger and realize that it's no longer there?"

Fuck... I swear I did not realize that she took the whole finger too!

I was at a Lord Of The Rings themed disco last night.

It was Mordor on the dance-floor.

A mugger stole my mood ring from me, but luckily, I wasn't hurt.

I really don't know how to feel about it.

A woman said if you want to finger me take off your ring?

I don't have a a ring I have a watch

I hate going into jewellery stores with my girlfriend , all the staff always assume we're there for the engagement rings.

Mind you, the ski masks probably don't help.

One dark night in Dublin, a fire started inside the local chemical plant . . .

In a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around. When the fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fireman in charge and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the centre of the...

Why does Saturn have rings?

God liked it, so he put some rings on it.


That's your dad joke for the day!

A cell phone rings in a locker room, A man answers the phone...

*He puts it on speaker*

Man: "Hello!"

Woman: "Hi honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

Man: "Yes."

Woman: "I'm at the mall and I just saw this beautiful leather coat and it's only $2,000, can i have it?

Man: "Sure!"

Woman: "Oh, and I just stopped by at the L...

What kind of ring isn't round?

A boxing ring

Tom Brady has 6 rings...

... and now he can destroy half the NFL with one snap

Why do pigs have a ring through their nose?

To make pulled pork.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Congrats to the Patriots on their 7th ring,

Super Bowls XXXVI (2001), XXXVIII (2003), XXXIX (2004), XLIX (2014), LI (2016), LIII (2018), Prostitution Ring (2019)!

The elf in the Fellowship of the Ring must not have had that great of a childhood.

Since there's no plastic in Middle Earth, he was lego-less

wife: can you to give me a ring for our wedding anniversary

husband: sure , why not

wife: can you give it to me like a surprise when i'm at work, i want everyone to know.

husband: sure

wife: on Friday morning we have a huge meeting and everyone at work will be there. i think that would be a good time .

husband: sure. keep your ph...

Why couldn't the one ring kill bilbo baggins?

Cuz old hobbits die hard

A man rings at the door of a flat. A lady opens the door.

He: "Hello, I'm a piano tuner."

She: "But I didn't ask for a tuner."

He: "I know, but your neigbours did."

A married couple is getting ready to go out for the evening. The husband is in the shower and the wife is just getting out of the bathtub when the doorbell rings.

The wife hurriedly wraps herself in a towel and answers the door. It’s their neighbor, Bob. Bob looks at the wife, who is quite beautiful, and says, “I’ll give you $800 to let that towel drop.” The wife thinks about if for a bit, then lets the towel fall. Bob gives her a thorough visual inspection,...

Stevie Wonder rings Tiger Woods and says

"how do you fancy a round of golf"

Tiger says "I didn't think you would be able to play Stevie"

Stevie explains how he had a caddy put a device in each hole that emits a constant high pitched tone and he can tune an earpiece into, which tells him the direction and distance to it.
...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Telephone rings, woman answers.

Pervert, breathing heavily, says,

"I bet you have a tight arse with no hair?"

Woman replies, "Yes, I have,

He's watching the football ... Who shall I say is calling?"

What do The Lord of the Rings and Brokeback Mountain have in common?

They're both movies about going to a mountain to destroy someone's ring.

What do you call an amputee from Lord of the Rings?

Legoless

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I don't like the term 'Anal Bleaching'.

I prefer to call it 'changing my ringtone'.

My boyfriend bought me a diamond ring

The stone was cut in the shape of a four leaf clover. I wore it all the time to show how much it meant to me.

One day, I got curious and had it valued at a jeweller's. Unfortunately they told me that my boyfriend had been swindled, as the diamond was actually a cubic zirconia.

It was ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man wakes up to find a ring around his penis.

He is worried he might have a dicease, so he takes the day off of work to go to the doctor. He quickly gats dressed and hops in his car.

When he got to the the doctor, he checked in and waited patiently. After 30 minutes or so, they call his name and he goes to a room.

Soon the doctor ...

What's the difference between lord of the ring and brokeback mountain?

The color of the ring that gets destroyed

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man is watching TV in his living room one evening, and the doorbell rings.

He gets up and answers the door, but doesn't see anyone. He looks down and sees a large garden snail on his welcome mat. Without a word, he picks it up and chucks it as far as he can out into the street.

Six months later, same man is watching TV in his living room one evening and the doorbel...

A couple is making love. The phone rings.

The wife answers, “okay!” and hangs up, laughing.

- “Why are you laughing? Who was it?”
- “My husband. He said he will be late because he’s at a bar with you.”

A guy ring’s his new girlfriend’s doorbell

She sees him holding a very nice bouquet of flowers and drags him in.

She lies on the couch, pulls her skirt up, and rips her knickers off and says “This is for the flowers!”

“Don’t be silly” says her boyfriend, “you must have a vase somewhere!”

I would tell some good Lord of the Rings jokes

but all the good ones ara-gone.

What does Hannibal Lecter call the girl from The Ring?

a TV dinner

I broke my ring finger last week

On the other hand, I’m okay

A woman is in the middle of intercourse when her phone rings. "That was my husband," she tells her partner after answering it.

"He said he's going to be late tonight because he's gone out drinking with you."

I was once obsessed with "The Lord of the Rings". The books, the movies, the collectables, everything.

Finally I was able to kick the hobbit.

One day, a young man found a ring on the side of the street…

He picked it up and noticed words that ran around the ring saying “If found, please return to New Zealand.”

Finding it a bit odd that he had found this ring in America, he deduced that the ring was lost by a tourist. The man then decided, with the help of his best friend, Sean, to journey to ...

[NSFW] What's worse than fingering your sister and finding your dad's wedding ring?

Fingering your brother and finding your dad's watch.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The American President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

'Hallo, Mr. President!' a heavily accented voice said. 'This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare , Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!'

'Well, Paddy,' the president replied, 'How big is your army?'

'Right now,' says Paddy, after a...

How much does a pirate pay for ear rings?

A buck an ear

A blind girl lost her pencil, her ring, and her dog, what did she lose first?

Her eye sight

My girlfriend is mad because I keep getting free drinks around town by saying I'm engaged

She said "Why is it that every time you say your engaged people congratulate you and buy you a drink, but when I say it they charge me double?"

I told her that when she says it they expect to see a ring but when I say it they expect to see an empty wallet

The telephone rings in the Vatican in the middle of the night...

Acting Archbishop Lenny picks up. "Vatican, Lenny speaking, how can I help you?"

Lenny listens for a moment, then goes white as a sheet. "Yes sir. I'll get him, sir. Please hold."

Up in the Papal residence all is quiet. Lenny knocks gently on the door to the Pope's bedroom. The P...

A guy rings his boss at work and says

"Boss, I'm really sorry, but I can't come to work today. I'm Sick"

"Sick!" screams his boss. "I know your Sick, that's what you changed your goddamn name to."

"My nine year old thought it was funny."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I don’t like the term anal bleaching...

I prefer changing your ring tone

A drunk guy rings at my door, it’s 3am...

So a drunk guy rings at my door and it is 3am. I go at the door, open it and ask, a bit irritated:

« What is this about ? »
The guy replies: « I am stuck there, you have to push me »

I: « Dude, you stand here drunk at my door, I don’t know you and it is 3am, do you really think I am...

After that whole ring fiasco, Gandalf was in the Shire talking to Merry and Pippen..

"So, you went through the dark forest and met my friends the tree hearders. The Ents. Tell me about your journey."

Merry began. "They were all so big and mean and full of energy. All they did was rant and insult us!"

"Most of them, yes!" added Pippen. "Then we met old Gnarly Bark and h...

Why did the Lord of the Rings author get kicked out of the movie theatre.

He was Tolkien all the way through.

Recent mobile phone technology has linked up with micro chip brain implant technology so that when your phone rings it can immediately connect without making a ringing sound.

It just won the Nobel peace prize.

My girlfriend kept insisting that I give her a ring...

It took a while to get comfortable with the idea \(it was a really big decision for me\), but finally I got enough courage to dial the number and have an actual telephone conversation with her.

I just found out about this underground science ring

It's called the Large Hadron Collider

A young woman, let's call her Emma...

... Loses her arms in a tragic bear accident. After healing, she decides to go get a job. The local church decides to find her some work she can do even without arms. She is hired as the new organ player.

Needless to say, her first day as an organ player goes poorly. She quits in shame.
...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Jack rings the boss one Friday and says "I can't come in to work today, I'm sick"

so the boss says OK and Jack turns up as normal on Monday. Next Friday though Jack rings in again and says "I can't come in to work today, I'm sick". This pattern repeats every week for a couple of months and eventually the boss calls Jack into his office and asks him what's the matter.

"Well...

Lord of the Rings: What did Galadriel say to Celeborn when he asked what her ring was called?

"Nenya Business."

Gandalf choked out "Narya kidding me?"

To which Elrond interjected "Vilya please be quiet?"

Shamelessly taken from lotr sub (links not allowed, sorry.)

What do chemists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms?

A ferrous wheel

I found five orphaned kittens and decided to foster them. I named them Thumb, Index, Middle, Ring, and Pinky.

They sure are a handful to raise.

My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:

1. Murderer 2. Police telling me everyone is dead 3. That book I ordered about positive thinking

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Lady jumps out of the shower and door bell rings...

\- "Who is it?" she yells, trying to find her robe.

\- "It's the blind man"

The lady goes to the door topless and opens it.

\- "Nice tits lady! Now, where do you want your blinds installed?"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

This Saturday, Jake Paul will be duking it out with KSIs brother Deji in the ring

In the event that one of the combatants dies in the ring, Logan Paul will be there to record their body.

The police arrested a pilot and a customs agent for running a smuggling ring

They thought they were being careful. But after being shown the evidence, complete with fingerprints, they confessed.

​

Pilot: "How'd you catch us anyway?"

​

Detective: "Everything was hidden in plane site."

The teacher told her class to draw a ring.

Johnny drew a perfect square.

The teaches said,”Johnny why didn’t you draw a ring??”

“I did. It’s a boxing ring!!”

What's black and screams?

Stevie Wonder answering the iron.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I’ve got a porn parody idea for Lord of the Rings. The main character.....

Dildo Gaggins

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A married couple is asleep when the phone rings at 3AM.

The wife answers it, and after a few seconds she replies, "How should I know? We're 300 miles inland."

The husband asks, "Who was that, dear?"

"I don't know. Some dumb bitch asking if the coast is clear."

Lord of the rings must be about marriage

Because when you put the ring on, you disappear

A man was hired to ring a church bell...

...but he wasn't very good at it. Every time he rung the bell it came back and smacked him in the face. He kept trying to duck under the bell but it kept hitting him.

Eventually, at the end of his shift he rang the bell one last time. Again, the bell hit him in his aching face, but this time ...

My wife made me promise that I'd bury her with her rings if she passes first.

Of course I will. How else would I pay for it?