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After the death of her husband, a woman puts a sign on her front porch...

The sign states that any man who: 1. Will treat her nicely, 2. Won't leave her, and 3. Who is good in bed can stay with her. A few days later, the doorbell rings and she opens it to find a man in a wheelchair with no arms and legs. He says, "I'm here regarding the sign on your front porch. As you ca...

You know what the 3 rings of marriage are?

The engagement ring.
The wedding ring.
And the suffering.

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I couldn’t decide whether to masturbate to the weather forecast or to The Lord of The Rings.

I guess it doesn’t matter. Either way we’re looking at 9 inches in Orlando.

The day before my wedding, my dad sat me down and said, “Before you get married tomorrow, consider the following carefully. On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring...”

“And on the other hand, you don’t.”

A salesman rings the doorbell.

An eight year old boy answers the door. He is naked, except for his father's hat, his mother's panties, and a cape. He has a martini glass in one hand and a fat, Cuban cigar in the other.

"A-a-are your parents home?", the man stutters.

"What the Hell do you think?"

What does the date on the wedding ring mean?

- Best before.

(My first post)

The Mood Ring

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring so he would be able to monitor my feelings.
We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green.
When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big old red mark on his forehead.
Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.

I've been reading 'Lord Of The Rings' and apparently, Gollum was once a normal man, but wearing the ring drained him of his youth, energy and any joy in life...

Must be the same ring I put on when I got married...

Ever get punched in the face by someone wearing a ring?

It leaves a lasting impression

She got drunk after I gave her a ring

Apparently it was De Beers

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Three days ago, I started with that new penis enlargement method where you have to put on 10 penis rings at once. And you know what: It works.

It's already turning black.

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Having student loans is like being in a shitty marriage.

They fuck you once a month for 25 years,

they make you feel guilty about every dollar you spend,

and you spend an unhealthy amount of time wondering if you could fake your death to get out of the whole arrangement.

What does a hand grenade have in common with a wife?

Take off the ring and your house is gone


This post sure "blew up"


Just like my house

Today I lost my mood ring

I'm not sure how I feel about it.

“Ring!”

Whoever invents knock knock jokes should be awarded a no bell prize.

Phone rings. Poet friend. He asks, "Do you ever get shooting pains like someone's got a voodoo doll of you they're stabbing with a long needle agan and again?"

"No," I reply.

Long pause.

Sounding concerned, he says, "How about now?"

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*ring ring*

It's the jerk store. They say they're running out of you.

While digging a hole in my garden, i found my lost wedding ring..

I rushed in to tell my wife, but remembered why i was digging the hole in the first place.

Just watched the news and a guy in the UK proposed to his wife with the ring on the udder of a cow.

How dairy.

My girlfriend said, "I want a ring."

I said, "Take your phone off silent."

That's when the fight started.

Last night, I had a dream that I wrote the Lord of the Rings books.

My wife said I was Tolkien in my sleep.

What's the difference between my husband and Gollum?

A ring actually means something to Gollum.

The teacher asks Billy, “If there are 5 birds on the fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?”

Billy says, “None, because the others would fly away.”

“The answer is 4, but I like the way you think,” says the teacher.

“Now I have a question for you,” says Billy, “If there are 3 women eating ice cream cones, and 1 is licking, 1 is biting, and 1 is sucking, which one is married?”...

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Staring at my girlfriend's ring, I can't believe it took me months to pluck up the courage to finally ask the big question...

"Can we try anal?"

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Went to the doctors for a prostate exam

During the exam he said it's not unusual to become aroused or even ejaculate .......

But I still wish he hadn't

A cell phone rings in a locker room, A man answers the phone...

*He puts it on speaker*

Man: "Hello!"

Woman: "Hi honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

Man: "Yes."

Woman: "I'm at the mall and I just saw this beautiful leather coat and it's only $2,000, can i have it?

Man: "Sure!"

Woman: "Oh, and I just stopped by at the L...

A man rings the doorbell of a small house and an old woman answers.

“I’m sorry,” the man says, “but I’m afraid I’ve run over your cat. I’d like to replace it if I can.”



“All right,” the old woman says. “But how good are you at catching mice?”

How are diamond rings and cocaine similar?

Both are purchases you'll spend a whole month's paycheck on, and probably end feeling regret.

You know how you catch a polar bear? You go out on a frozen tundra and cut a hole in the ice. Then put a ring of peas around the hole.

When the bear comes up to take a pea you kick him in the ice-hole.

I went to a Lord of the Rings themed restaurant. The food was horribly authentic and the waitress was as uglier than an Orc, but I have to give her credit. There was a table of 12 and it only took her ...

...one bring to gruel them all.

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.” She thinks for a moment, then drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few sec...

There was a church that had a bell that no one could ring.

One day, a boy came and asked the priest if he could try. He went up into the tower and ran straight into the bell face-first. The bell tolled loud and clear. The priest gave him the job.
One Sunday, the boy ran straight toward the bell with his face and missed, so he fell off the tower and died....

One dark night in Dublin, a fire started inside the local chemical plant . . .

In a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around. When the fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fireman in charge and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the centre of the...

A boy wants to ring a giant bell...

As a boy is walking down the street, he spots a bell tower. Seeing the bell, he makes his way to the very top of the tower. When he gets to the top, he finds a priest, just standing there.

The boy asked the priest "Is it okay if I ring the bell, Father?"

The priest replied "By all mea...

whats the difference between lord of the rings and new york?

two towers

I was at the supermarket, looked three freezers down and saw the most beautiful busty blonde picking out Asian dinners. I took a quick glance at her hand and saw no wedding ring! Well, as you can imagine, I promptly did what any virile, red-blooded man would do with this opportunity...

I got really nervous, said absolutely nothing, and strictly avoided eye-contact at all costs...

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Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint, and the phone rings ...

He jumps up, shouting: "oh shit, I forgot to feed the dog!"

A woman is getting lunch ready when the phone rings.

“This is the middle school calling about your son Phillip. He’s been caught telling unbelievable lies.”

“I’ll say he has,” the woman replies. “I don’t have a son.”

The new image shows the black hole having bright ring formed as photons from light gets drawn in the intense gravity around a black hole that is 6.5 billion times more massive than the Sun…

..but it still doesn't suck more than your Mom.

A blonde rings up an airline and asks: "How long are your flights from America to England?"

The woman on the other end of the phone replies: "Just a minute". The blonde thanks her and hangs up the phone.

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Did you know Tolkien typed the entire Lord of the Rings manuscript with only two fingers.

It must have been bloody Mordor.

Notre Dame joke: A priest advertises a job to ring the bell at Notre Dame and the only applicant is a hunchback with no arms...

The priest asks "How can you do the job? You can't pull the rope!" Hunchback: "I have a plan - but we have to go to the top of the tower to where the bell is." So they climb all those stairs to the top of the tower. The priest says "Ok, what's your plan?"

The hunchback runs and jumps at the b...

A married couple is getting ready to go out for the evening. The husband is in the shower and the wife is just getting out of the bathtub when the doorbell rings.

The wife hurriedly wraps herself in a towel and answers the door. It’s their neighbor, Bob. Bob looks at the wife, who is quite beautiful, and says, “I’ll give you $800 to let that towel drop.” The wife thinks about if for a bit, then lets the towel fall. Bob gives her a thorough visual inspection,...

A blonde is in bed with her lover when suddenly the phone rings.

She answers and has a short conversation with the caller. When the call ends, she turns to her lover and says: “That was Frank. He told me not to worry and not to stay up and wait for him tonight cause he’s playing cards with you.”

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They say if you like something you put a ring on it

So i bought a cock ring.

Lord of the rings

An Elf, a Dwarf, and a Wizard walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "What is this, a joke?"

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When I was out today, I saw a phone on the table outside a coffee shop that had been left there, so I pocketed it. It started to ring....

I took it out of my pocket and the caller I.D. said 'Mom'.

I put it back on the table and slowly backed away.

How the fuck did she know I was up to no good?

Did you hear about the kid who lost his lord of the rings LEGO set?

He was LEGO less.

Stevie Wonder rings Tiger Woods and says

"how do you fancy a round of golf"

Tiger says "I didn't think you would be able to play Stevie"

Stevie explains how he had a caddy put a device in each hole that emits a constant high pitched tone and he can tune an earpiece into, which tells him the direction and distance to it.
...

Why does Saturn have rings?

God liked it, so he put some rings on it.


That's your dad joke for the day!

Tom Brady has 6 rings...

... and now he can destroy half the NFL with one snap

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I don't like the term 'Anal Bleaching'.

I prefer to call it 'changing my ringtone'.

A church puts an ad in the newspaper for a person to ring the bell in the belfry on Sunday mornings.

No one applies for the position except for a young man with no arms.

The church administrator isn’t sure he can handle the job, but the man climbs the tower and rings the bell using just his head. On his first Sunday on the job, the man gets a little too excited and hits the bell a little to...

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Here’s a joke my pastor told today.

So a pastor comes home from church one day while his wife stayed home. His wife asks,

“So what did you preach about today?”

The pastor talked about sex, but couldn’t bring himself to say it to his wife. He stutters and says

“S-s-ss Sailing!” And he leaves the room.

Later...

A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Hanukkah.

After hearing about this extravagant gift, a friend of his says, “I thought she wanted one of those sporty four-wheel-drive vehicles.”



“She did,” he replies. “But where was I going to find a fake Jeep?”

What is an accountant’s favourite Lord of the Rings movie?

The Return of the King

What kind of ring isn't round?

A boxing ring

My boyfriend bought me a diamond ring

The stone was cut in the shape of a four leaf clover. I wore it all the time to show how much it meant to me.

One day, I got curious and had it valued at a jeweller's. Unfortunately they told me that my boyfriend had been swindled, as the diamond was actually a cubic zirconia.

It was ...

I hate going into jewellery stores with my girlfriend , all the staff always assume we're there for the engagement rings.

Mind you, the ski masks probably don't help.

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Congrats to the Patriots on their 7th ring,

Super Bowls XXXVI (2001), XXXVIII (2003), XXXIX (2004), XLIX (2014), LI (2016), LIII (2018), Prostitution Ring (2019)!

A guy ring’s his new girlfriend’s doorbell

She sees him holding a very nice bouquet of flowers and drags him in.

She lies on the couch, pulls her skirt up, and rips her knickers off and says “This is for the flowers!”

“Don’t be silly” says her boyfriend, “you must have a vase somewhere!”

What do you call an amputee from Lord of the Rings?

Legoless

wife: can you to give me a ring for our wedding anniversary

husband: sure , why not

wife: can you give it to me like a surprise when i'm at work, i want everyone to know.

husband: sure

wife: on Friday morning we have a huge meeting and everyone at work will be there. i think that would be a good time .

husband: sure. keep your ph...

A man rings at the door of a flat. A lady opens the door.

He: "Hello, I'm a piano tuner."

She: "But I didn't ask for a tuner."

He: "I know, but your neigbours did."

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After my divorce, my friend asks "So how does it feel when you fiddle with your ring finger and realize that it's no longer there?"

Fuck... I swear I did not realize that she took the whole finger too!

The elf in the Fellowship of the Ring must not have had that great of a childhood.

Since there's no plastic in Middle Earth, he was lego-less

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Telephone rings, woman answers.

Pervert, breathing heavily, says,

"I bet you have a tight arse with no hair?"

Woman replies, "Yes, I have,

He's watching the football ... Who shall I say is calling?"

Why couldn't the one ring kill bilbo baggins?

Cuz old hobbits die hard

So this hot babe goes to a fancy dress party stark naked and rings the bell.

———————————————————
———————————————————
———————————————————
———————————————————
———————————————————

The host opens the door and sees her standing there brazenly, tapping her forefinger on her chin.
Host: “ What are you?”
Hot babe: “A self-tapping screw!”

A couple is making love. The phone rings.

The wife answers, “okay!” and hangs up, laughing.

- “Why are you laughing? Who was it?”
- “My husband. He said he will be late because he’s at a bar with you.”

What do The Lord of the Rings and Brokeback Mountain have in common?

They're both movies about going to a mountain to destroy someone's ring.

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The American President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

'Hallo, Mr. President!' a heavily accented voice said. 'This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare , Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!'

'Well, Paddy,' the president replied, 'How big is your army?'

'Right now,' says Paddy, after a...

What's the difference between lord of the ring and brokeback mountain?

The color of the ring that gets destroyed

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A man is watching TV in his living room one evening, and the doorbell rings.

He gets up and answers the door, but doesn't see anyone. He looks down and sees a large garden snail on his welcome mat. Without a word, he picks it up and chucks it as far as he can out into the street.

Six months later, same man is watching TV in his living room one evening and the doorbel...

A blind girl lost her pencil, her ring, and her dog, what did she lose first?

Her eye sight

I broke my ring finger last week

On the other hand, I’m okay

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A man wakes up to find a ring around his penis.

He is worried he might have a dicease, so he takes the day off of work to go to the doctor. He quickly gats dressed and hops in his car.

When he got to the the doctor, he checked in and waited patiently. After 30 minutes or so, they call his name and he goes to a room.

Soon the doctor ...

A woman is in the middle of intercourse when her phone rings. "That was my husband," she tells her partner after answering it.

"He said he's going to be late tonight because he's gone out drinking with you."

I was once obsessed with "The Lord of the Rings". The books, the movies, the collectables, everything.

Finally I was able to kick the hobbit.

One day, a young man found a ring on the side of the street…

He picked it up and noticed words that ran around the ring saying “If found, please return to New Zealand.”

Finding it a bit odd that he had found this ring in America, he deduced that the ring was lost by a tourist. The man then decided, with the help of his best friend, Sean, to journey to ...

[NSFW] What's worse than fingering your sister and finding your dad's wedding ring?

Fingering your brother and finding your dad's watch.

I would tell some good Lord of the Rings jokes

but all the good ones ara-gone.

My girlfriend is mad because I keep getting free drinks around town by saying I'm engaged

She said "Why is it that every time you say your engaged people congratulate you and buy you a drink, but when I say it they charge me double?"

I told her that when she says it they expect to see a ring but when I say it they expect to see an empty wallet

What does Hannibal Lecter call the girl from The Ring?

a TV dinner

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I don’t like the term anal bleaching...

I prefer changing your ring tone

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