What does a hand grenade have in common with a wife?

Take off the ring and your house is gone


This post sure "blew up"


Just like my house

Someone stole my mood ring

I don't know how I feel about that

What's the difference between my husband and Gollum?

A ring actually means something to Gollum.

If any of you here are thinking of getting married, consider the following before you do.

On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring.

On the other hand, you don’t.

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Having student loans is like being in a shitty marriage.

They fuck you once a month for 25 years,

they make you feel guilty about every dollar you spend,

and you spend an unhealthy amount of time wondering if you could fake your death to get out of the whole arrangement.

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Three days ago, I started with that new penis enlargement method where you have to put on 10 penis rings at once. And you know what: It works.

It's already turning black.

Phone rings. Poet friend. He asks, "Do you ever get shooting pains like someone's got a voodoo doll of you they're stabbing with a long needle agan and again?"

"No," I reply.

Long pause.

Sounding concerned, he says, "How about now?"

Last night, I had a dream that I wrote the Lord of the Rings books.

My wife said I was Tolkien in my sleep.

My girlfriend said, "I want a ring."

I said, "Take your phone off silent."

That's when the fight started.

I seem to have lost my mood ring

I'm not sure how I feel about it..

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Went to the doctors for a prostate exam

During the exam he said it's not unusual to become aroused or even ejaculate .......

But I still wish he hadn't

The teacher asks Billy, “If there are 5 birds on the fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?”

Billy says, “None, because the others would fly away.”

“The answer is 4, but I like the way you think,” says the teacher.

“Now I have a question for you,” says Billy, “If there are 3 women eating ice cream cones, and 1 is licking, 1 is biting, and 1 is sucking, which one is married?”...

I've been reading 'Lord Of The Rings' and apparently, Gollum was once a normal man, but wearing the ring drained him of his youth, energy and any joy in life...

Must be the same ring I put on when I got married...

While digging a hole in my garden, i found my lost wedding ring..

I rushed in to tell my wife, but remembered why i was digging the hole in the first place.

When Archie's fiancee put her engagement ring near her ear, she could faintly hear guitars, maracas, and soothing Spanish vocals.

It was a marry Archie band.

How are diamond rings and cocaine similar?

Both are purchases you'll spend a whole month's paycheck on, and probably end feeling regret.

There was a church that had a bell that no one could ring.

One day, a boy came and asked the priest if he could try. He went up into the tower and ran straight into the bell face-first. The bell tolled loud and clear. The priest gave him the job.
One Sunday, the boy ran straight toward the bell with his face and missed, so he fell off the tower and died....

A man rings the doorbell of a small house and an old woman answers.

“I’m sorry,” the man says, “but I’m afraid I’ve run over your cat. I’d like to replace it if I can.”



“All right,” the old woman says. “But how good are you at catching mice?”

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.” She thinks for a moment, then drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few sec...

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Staring at my girlfriend's ring, I can't believe it took me months to pluck up the courage to finally ask the big question...

"Can we try anal?"

I bought my wife a mood ring.

Found out if she's in a good mood it turns green.

If she's in a bad mood it leaves big red circles on my forehead.

I went to a Lord of the Rings themed restaurant. The food was horribly authentic and the waitress was as uglier than an Orc, but I have to give her credit. There was a table of 12 and it only took her ...

...one bring to gruel them all.

A blonde rings up an airline and asks: "How long are your flights from America to England?"

The woman on the other end of the phone replies: "Just a minute". The blonde thanks her and hangs up the phone.

A cell phone rings in a locker room, A man answers the phone...

*He puts it on speaker*

Man: "Hello!"

Woman: "Hi honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

Man: "Yes."

Woman: "I'm at the mall and I just saw this beautiful leather coat and it's only $2,000, can i have it?

Man: "Sure!"

Woman: "Oh, and I just stopped by at the L...

A blonde is in bed with her lover when suddenly the phone rings.

She answers and has a short conversation with the caller. When the call ends, she turns to her lover and says: “That was Frank. He told me not to worry and not to stay up and wait for him tonight cause he’s playing cards with you.”

A boy wants to ring a giant bell...

As a boy is walking down the street, he spots a bell tower. Seeing the bell, he makes his way to the very top of the tower. When he gets to the top, he finds a priest, just standing there.

The boy asked the priest "Is it okay if I ring the bell, Father?"

The priest replied "By all mea...

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They say if you like something you put a ring on it

So i bought a cock ring.

A woman is getting lunch ready when the phone rings.

“This is the middle school calling about your son Phillip. He’s been caught telling unbelievable lies.”

“I’ll say he has,” the woman replies. “I don’t have a son.”

Lord of the rings

An Elf, a Dwarf, and a Wizard walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "What is this, a joke?"

The new image shows the black hole having bright ring formed as photons from light gets drawn in the intense gravity around a black hole that is 6.5 billion times more massive than the Sun…

..but it still doesn't suck more than your Mom.

whats the difference between lord of the rings and new york?

two towers

I was at the supermarket, looked three freezers down and saw the most beautiful busty blonde picking out Asian dinners. I took a quick glance at her hand and saw no wedding ring! Well, as you can imagine, I promptly did what any virile, red-blooded man would do with this opportunity...

I got really nervous, said absolutely nothing, and strictly avoided eye-contact at all costs...

One dark night in Dublin, a fire started inside the local chemical plant . . .

In a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around. When the fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fireman in charge and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the centre of the...

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Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint, and the phone rings ...

He jumps up, shouting: "oh shit, I forgot to feed the dog!"

The 3 rings of a relationship

Engagement ring
Wedding ring
Suffering

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Here’s a joke my pastor told today.

So a pastor comes home from church one day while his wife stayed home. His wife asks,

“So what did you preach about today?”

The pastor talked about sex, but couldn’t bring himself to say it to his wife. He stutters and says

“S-s-ss Sailing!” And he leaves the room.

Later...

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When I was out today, I saw a phone on the table outside a coffee shop that had been left there, so I pocketed it. It started to ring....

I took it out of my pocket and the caller I.D. said 'Mom'.

I put it back on the table and slowly backed away.

How the fuck did she know I was up to no good?

What is an accountant’s favourite Lord of the Rings movie?

The Return of the King

Notre Dame joke: A priest advertises a job to ring the bell at Notre Dame and the only applicant is a hunchback with no arms...

The priest asks "How can you do the job? You can't pull the rope!" Hunchback: "I have a plan - but we have to go to the top of the tower to where the bell is." So they climb all those stairs to the top of the tower. The priest says "Ok, what's your plan?"

The hunchback runs and jumps at the b...

Did you hear about the kid who lost his lord of the rings LEGO set?

He was LEGO less.

A married couple is getting ready to go out for the evening. The husband is in the shower and the wife is just getting out of the bathtub when the doorbell rings.

The wife hurriedly wraps herself in a towel and answers the door. It’s their neighbor, Bob. Bob looks at the wife, who is quite beautiful, and says, “I’ll give you $800 to let that towel drop.” The wife thinks about if for a bit, then lets the towel fall. Bob gives her a thorough visual inspection,...

Why does Saturn have rings?

God liked it, so he put some rings on it.


That's your dad joke for the day!

A church puts an ad in the newspaper for a person to ring the bell in the belfry on Sunday mornings.

No one applies for the position except for a young man with no arms.

The church administrator isn’t sure he can handle the job, but the man climbs the tower and rings the bell using just his head. On his first Sunday on the job, the man gets a little too excited and hits the bell a little to...

A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Hanukkah.

After hearing about this extravagant gift, a friend of his says, “I thought she wanted one of those sporty four-wheel-drive vehicles.”



“She did,” he replies. “But where was I going to find a fake Jeep?”

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After my divorce, my friend asks "So how does it feel when you fiddle with your ring finger and realize that it's no longer there?"

Fuck... I swear I did not realize that she took the whole finger too!

What kind of ring isn't round?

A boxing ring

I hate going into jewellery stores with my girlfriend , all the staff always assume we're there for the engagement rings.

Mind you, the ski masks probably don't help.

Tom Brady has 6 rings...

... and now he can destroy half the NFL with one snap

They say a ring is the most expensive part of a wedding.

Nope. It's the divorce.

Stevie Wonder rings Tiger Woods and says

"how do you fancy a round of golf"

Tiger says "I didn't think you would be able to play Stevie"

Stevie explains how he had a caddy put a device in each hole that emits a constant high pitched tone and he can tune an earpiece into, which tells him the direction and distance to it.
...

Right ring for the right one

A: Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?
B: Yes I am, I married the wrong woman.

What do you call an amputee from Lord of the Rings?

Legoless

wife: can you to give me a ring for our wedding anniversary

husband: sure , why not

wife: can you give it to me like a surprise when i'm at work, i want everyone to know.

husband: sure

wife: on Friday morning we have a huge meeting and everyone at work will be there. i think that would be a good time .

husband: sure. keep your ph...

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I don't like the term 'Anal Bleaching'.

I prefer to call it 'changing my ringtone'.

Why do pigs have a ring through their nose?

To make pulled pork.

A man rings at the door of a flat. A lady opens the door.

He: "Hello, I'm a piano tuner."

She: "But I didn't ask for a tuner."

He: "I know, but your neigbours did."

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Congrats to the Patriots on their 7th ring,

Super Bowls XXXVI (2001), XXXVIII (2003), XXXIX (2004), XLIX (2014), LI (2016), LIII (2018), Prostitution Ring (2019)!

Why couldn't the one ring kill bilbo baggins?

Cuz old hobbits die hard

The elf in the Fellowship of the Ring must not have had that great of a childhood.

Since there's no plastic in Middle Earth, he was lego-less

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Telephone rings, woman answers.

Pervert, breathing heavily, says,

"I bet you have a tight arse with no hair?"

Woman replies, "Yes, I have,

He's watching the football ... Who shall I say is calling?"

A guy ring’s his new girlfriend’s doorbell

She sees him holding a very nice bouquet of flowers and drags him in.

She lies on the couch, pulls her skirt up, and rips her knickers off and says “This is for the flowers!”

“Don’t be silly” says her boyfriend, “you must have a vase somewhere!”

What do The Lord of the Rings and Brokeback Mountain have in common?

They're both movies about going to a mountain to destroy someone's ring.

A couple is making love. The phone rings.

The wife answers, “okay!” and hangs up, laughing.

- “Why are you laughing? Who was it?”
- “My husband. He said he will be late because he’s at a bar with you.”

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A man is watching TV in his living room one evening, and the doorbell rings.

He gets up and answers the door, but doesn't see anyone. He looks down and sees a large garden snail on his welcome mat. Without a word, he picks it up and chucks it as far as he can out into the street.

Six months later, same man is watching TV in his living room one evening and the doorbel...

My boyfriend bought me a diamond ring

The stone was cut in the shape of a four leaf clover. I wore it all the time to show how much it meant to me.

One day, I got curious and had it valued at a jeweller's. Unfortunately they told me that my boyfriend had been swindled, as the diamond was actually a cubic zirconia.

It was ...

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A man wakes up to find a ring around his penis.

He is worried he might have a dicease, so he takes the day off of work to go to the doctor. He quickly gats dressed and hops in his car.

When he got to the the doctor, he checked in and waited patiently. After 30 minutes or so, they call his name and he goes to a room.

Soon the doctor ...

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The American President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

'Hallo, Mr. President!' a heavily accented voice said. 'This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare , Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!'

'Well, Paddy,' the president replied, 'How big is your army?'

'Right now,' says Paddy, after a...

One day, a young man found a ring on the side of the street…

He picked it up and noticed words that ran around the ring saying “If found, please return to New Zealand.”

Finding it a bit odd that he had found this ring in America, he deduced that the ring was lost by a tourist. The man then decided, with the help of his best friend, Sean, to journey to ...

What's the difference between lord of the ring and brokeback mountain?

The color of the ring that gets destroyed

I broke my ring finger last week

On the other hand, I’m okay

A woman is in the middle of intercourse when her phone rings. "That was my husband," she tells her partner after answering it.

"He said he's going to be late tonight because he's gone out drinking with you."

I was once obsessed with "The Lord of the Rings". The books, the movies, the collectables, everything.

Finally I was able to kick the hobbit.

I would tell some good Lord of the Rings jokes

but all the good ones ara-gone.

The telephone rings in the Vatican in the middle of the night...

Acting Archbishop Lenny picks up. "Vatican, Lenny speaking, how can I help you?"

Lenny listens for a moment, then goes white as a sheet. "Yes sir. I'll get him, sir. Please hold."

Up in the Papal residence all is quiet. Lenny knocks gently on the door to the Pope's bedroom. The P...

A blind girl lost her pencil, her ring, and her dog, what did she lose first?

Her eye sight

What does Hannibal Lecter call the girl from The Ring?

a TV dinner

My girlfriend is mad because I keep getting free drinks around town by saying I'm engaged

She said "Why is it that every time you say your engaged people congratulate you and buy you a drink, but when I say it they charge me double?"

I told her that when she says it they expect to see a ring but when I say it they expect to see an empty wallet

How much does a pirate pay for ear rings?

A buck an ear

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I don’t like the term anal bleaching...

I prefer changing your ring tone

[NSFW] What's worse than fingering your sister and finding your dad's wedding ring?

Fingering your brother and finding your dad's watch.

A guy rings his boss at work and says

"Boss, I'm really sorry, but I can't come to work today. I'm Sick"

"Sick!" screams his boss. "I know your Sick, that's what you changed your goddamn name to."

"My nine year old thought it was funny."

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Jack rings the boss one Friday and says "I can't come in to work today, I'm sick"

so the boss says OK and Jack turns up as normal on Monday. Next Friday though Jack rings in again and says "I can't come in to work today, I'm sick". This pattern repeats every week for a couple of months and eventually the boss calls Jack into his office and asks him what's the matter.

"Well...

A young woman, let's call her Emma...

... Loses her arms in a tragic bear accident. After healing, she decides to go get a job. The local church decides to find her some work she can do even without arms. She is hired as the new organ player.

Needless to say, her first day as an organ player goes poorly. She quits in shame.
...

My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:

1. Murderer 2. Police telling me everyone is dead 3. That book I ordered about positive thinking

After that whole ring fiasco, Gandalf was in the Shire talking to Merry and Pippen..

"So, you went through the dark forest and met my friends the tree hearders. The Ents. Tell me about your journey."

Merry began. "They were all so big and mean and full of energy. All they did was rant and insult us!"

"Most of them, yes!" added Pippen. "Then we met old Gnarly Bark and h...

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