Shred Jokes - 55 Hilarious Shred Jokes

Trump wants to ban the sale of pre-shredded cheese.

He wants to make America grate again.

What do you call a Bigfoot shredding guitar in the woods?

Yeti Van Halen

Donald Trump is introducing a 30% tax on shredded cheese.

It's part of his plan to Make America Grate Again.

How did Jesus get so shredded?

CrossFit

Murphy's Law states that anything that can happen, will happen. But are you familiar with Cole's Law?

It's finely-shredded raw cabbage with a salad dressing, commonly either vinaigrette or mayonnaise.

I had a job where I had to put shredded cheese back together

It was the most degrating job I've ever had.

When we make pizza at home it's my wife's job to shred the cheese.

She's the gratist.

Apparently loads of people turned away from voting for Trump coz he wanted to ban shredded cheese

He wanted to Make America Grate again.

So a German, an Englishman and an Irishman

were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when they were arrested by Saudi police. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so they are all sentenced to death!

However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to app...

What do you call a hen staring at a bowl of shredded lettuce?

Chicken sees a salad

What did the chefs say when they allow the cheese to be shred?

Parmesan grated.

What do you get if you shred a PlayStation 5's retail packaging?

An ex-box.

I don't have anything I can use to shred my cheese

But if I did that'd be grate

A man walks into a bar and sees another man at the bar with a dog next to him.

He says to him, "Hey there, does your dog bite?" and the man says "No mate, my dog's the friendliest creature in the world, you can do anything with him."

So he goes to pat the dog and it absolutely goes for him and by the time three other men in the bar manage to get it off him he's bleeding...

just threw out a bag of shredded cheese.

the label said "since 1904"... there's no way it was still good to eat

A man tried to start a fight by throwing dough, shredded cheese, and tomato sauce at me.

So I said, “You wanna pizza me?”

Three students at the CIA Academy were about to graduate.

The instructor called them into a room and said to the first one,

“Take this gun and go into the next room. I want you to assassinate whomever you find there. If you don’t do this, you don’t graduate.”

The man took the gun and went into the next room, where he found his wife. Taking o...

You know Murphy's Law. It's "If something can go wrong, it will", but do you know Cole's law? It's...

shredded cabbage, mayonnaise, maybe some carrot.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Karma is a weird name...

They should rename "karma" to "creddit"

They should also rename the "share" button to "spreaddit"

They should then also rename the "delete" button to "shreddit"

But they don't, and I don't geddit

* Eddit: Wow, I did not expect to get gold for that one...

Because of his loss in Wisconsin, Trump has put a ban on all shredded cheese.

It's the only way he can make America GRATE again.

Credit to my 12 year old son.

Have you ever tried shredding cheese yourself?

There is no grater pleasure.

My dad always said: "When life gets you down, shred cheese."

That was grate advice.

Why aren’t more conservatives protesting the sales of pre-shredded cheese?

I thought we were trying to make America grate again.

What do you call an inventory list of to-be-shredded media?

A shredsheet

My local Trump-supporting grocery store has stopped selling all pre-shredded cheeses

... they want to make America grate again

Republicans are trying to put an ammendment into relief bill to outlaw prepackaged shredded cheese...

...in an attempt to make America grate again.

Q. Which shredding guitarist is best for putting out electrical fires?

A. Eddie Van Halon.

The very last thing my dad said to me before he died was 'You need one of those things that you can shred cheese with'...

That was some grate advice.

[Political] I'm surprised Trump hasn't banned the sale of shredded cheese yet.

He said he would "Make America Grate Again"
(Sorry, that was a cheesy joke)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A wife says to her husband, "I called the surgery saying I think I'm pregnant, and they said to bring in a specimen. What do they mean?"

He says "I don't know, but Mary next door has been pregnant loads of times, so why not go and ask her?"

So off she goes, and she comes back later with a fat lip, a thick ear, a nosebleed, a black eye, and half her clothing ripped to shreds, and her husband says "What in the name of Jesus, Mar...

Yesterday I had to throw out my moldy shredded cheese

It was for the grater good.

THIS JUST IN: Foreign suppliers of shredded cheese on strike.

Eyewitnesses report protesting workers holding signs that read: "MAKE AMERICA GRATE AGAIN"

I bought some Shredded wheat, but I think it's a bit of a con.

It's no more muscular than regular wheat.

Why was the shredded cheddar mad when the teacher gave him an F on the test?

He felt he had been unfairly grated.

Some of my clothes are getting ripped to shreds when I use the washing machine.

It keeps happening every time. I think it's a vicious cycle.

What does a Chicago police officer and a professional skateboarder have in common?

They both shred footage.

(*be gentle, it's my first time.*)

My friend who’s a werewolf brought his kids over to my BBQ. They tore my new couch into shreds

No wonder it’s called a litter

Since starting the quarantine two weeks ago, I’ve been shredding all my old CVS receipts. I’m about halfway done...

...with the first one.

A a famous lion in a zoo recently died

Given the popularity of the lion, the zoo doesn't want the public to know this so they make a lion costume and have one of the employees pretend to be the lion.

The employee is very afraid since he would be pretending to be a lion among other lions, if he is found out, the other lions could ...

Why do you never see pieces of paper at bodybuilding competitions?

Because they would have to get shredded.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you get when you grind up Kim Jung Un's junk, mix in some shredded potatoes, ball them up and deep fry them?

dicktator tots

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it.

He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"

"Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Ferrari."

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?"...

At my restaurant job, everyone who works in the kitchen is also a musician.

The dishwasher plays guitar OK, but the prep cook shreds on the mandoline.

The pressure of a gas is inversely proportional to its volume—Boyle’s Law.

Any leftover cabbage must be shredded and mixed with mayonnaise.

—-Cole’s Law.

The Story of How The Angel Went on Top of The Christmas Tree

Santa was having a terrible day. The toy factory was broken. Elves weren’t working. Mrs Claus was bugging him about something. He was having to manually make toys out of wood. He was over it. And just as he was hanging on to his lead shred of sanity, he smashed his thumb with a hammer.
And just ...

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A young engineer was leaving work one evening when he saw his boss standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. "Listen," said his boss, "this is important, and my assistant has left. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly" replied the young engineer. He turned the
machine on, inserted the paper and pressed the start button.

"Well done, Well done!" said his boss as his paper disappeared
inside the machine. "I just need one copy."

A German soldier walks into a BAR…

He is immediately shredded by multiple rounds of .30-06

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Spectre pool party

So Blofeld is holding a pool party for Spectre. There is the usual laughing, drinking, catalogues of secret weapons and torture devices etc.

And Blofeld announces “for entertainment tonight I am offering a million dollars for anyone who will swim across my swimming pool full of man-eating ...

A man walks into a gym and kills everyone there brutally

After the investigation, the police state that the victims could only be described as ripped and shredded

What kind of cheese do skateboarders eat?

Shredded cheese.

What brand of cereal is the strongest??

Mini Wheats, because they’re shredded.

"For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.." - Newton's Law

"Shredded cabbage and carrot make a great salad." - Cole's Law

Three vampires sit in a cave in the black of night, sharing a drink, laughing, and generally having a good time that one would not associate with the undead.

The night grew longer, and an observer, should they be careful enough, would learn that vampires can indeed get drunk.

Eventually, the three begin to bicker about which of them is the most powerful and deadly.

The youngest suddenly gets up, and flies off into the night. Almost instantl...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young stock broker had just parked his BMW

As he opened the door, a car zoomed past ripping the door from his car. A police officer happened to be walking past, and quickly ran over to the driver. “Are you alright?”, he asked. The stock broker whined, “My Beemer! Look what he did to my Beemer!” Disgusted the officer growled, “You greedy Wall...

Do you think Mr. Cheese has been going to the gym?

I mean look at him, he's shredded!

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