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What did Edward Newgate say when he sailed to the Middle East? [Fixed]

THE ONE PIECE ISRAEL

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The billionaire and the mermaid whisperer

A billionaire is sailing his yacht past a lighthouse, and he sees the elderly lighthouse keeper out on the rocks at the base of the lighthouse, getting a blowjob from a mermaid - the top half was a stunning, curvy redhead, and the bottom half was a tiger shark. As he watches, the pair finish the act...

Did you hear about the beakers that sailed the seven seas?

They were the Pyrex of the Caribbean

I bought a sail for my boat on Amazon the other day. Today it dawned on me that it's not the right size so I called to cancel. They said it's too late.

That sail has shipped.

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(NSFW) Two whales are swimming in the ocean and discover a little sailing boat...

one whale asks the other:

"Do you want to have some fun? Let's swim under the boat and blow air to make the boat capsize!"

He agrees. So they dive under the boat, blow air and the boat flips.

"This was fun. What do you think about eating the sailors? It would be a shame to let t...

A ship, sailing past a remote island, spots a man who has been stranded there for several years.

The captain goes ashore to rescue the man and notices three huts.

“What’s the first hut for?” he asks.

“That’s my house,” says the castaway.

“What’s the second hut for?”

“That’s my church.”

“And the third hut?”

“Oh, that?” sniffs the castaway. “That’...

One fine day, brave Captain Smith and his crew of sailors were sailing the ocean blue.

Suddenly, on the horizon, there loomed a ship with a skull and crossbones raised on the mast.

The crew was frantic, seeking refuge and asking the captain what to do.

Brave Captain Smith looked at the approaching ship for a moment and said: “Bring me my red shirt”.

The call was t...

Two Egyptians sailed far out, into the sea

"We've sailed too far from the port! I can't see anything familiar" Says one

"We can't have sailed too far" Says the other

They were in de-Nile

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Jesus, Moses, and a mutual friend play golf.

So Jesus, Moses, and a friend of theirs all go out for a round of golf.

Jesus steps up to the tee. Takes his swing, and it's a nice looking drive, but it ends up in the water hazard and floats to the top. He walks out onto the pond and chips up onto the green.

Moses steps up to the tee...

A Viking sailed across Europe challenging people to staring contests.

He was so confident in his abilities that he promised to hand over all of the gold he had pillaged to anyone who could defeat him. The news spread throughout Europe, catching the attention of a couple in Ireland whose daughter was born without eyelids.

Believing that their daughter was guaran...

Two ships crash into each other on a densely foggy day on the ocean.

The two captains (a man and a woman) wind up in the same hospital and they fall in love. They give up their sailing careers to raise a family.

When the wife was almost ready to give birth, they decided it would be really sweet if their child chose a career that would be helpful in preventing...

What did the Canadian say to the other Canadian when they saw a guy in a giant pink bathtub sailing around in circles in the middle of Lake Ontario?

"What's that, a boat?"

Hang-glider

Here in Kentucky, you don't see too many people hang-gliding.

Ol' Zeek decided to save up and get a hang-glider. He takes it to the highest mountain, and after struggling to the top, he gets ready to take flight.

He takes off running and reaches the edge--into the wind he goes!
<...

God will save me

A man was out swimming one morning when suddenly he was swept out to sea. The man didn't panic though, for he knew in his heart, that God would save him. After treading water some time, along comes a kid on a small sail boat.
The kid see the man, waves,

"Howdy mister! Need some help?" <...

Sunday off

Six girls, one guy, sailing a boat in the open ocean. Tragedy strikes, and the boat slowly starts to sink. None of the girls know how to swim and they desperately beg the guy to save them. The brawny guy indeed saves all of them.

They end up in a desert island, and wonder what they will do w...

Carnival is offering a new voyage where you set sail and leave a bunch of senior citizens behind in the snow.

It's called a Ted Cruise

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Captain Stutteter

There was once a pirate known as Captain Stutteter. One day he said to his crewmates.

"W-when I I I s-s-Say S-Sh-Shore! Eve-everybody jump offboard!"

Hours passed as they sailed the sea while Captain Stutteter scrutinized around with his spyglass. Then he shouted:

"SH-SH!"
<...

Oldest jokes in human history - Another s*x joke, Ancient Egypt, 1600 BC.

One of the world's oldest joke was found in the Ancient Egyptian story book known as the Westcar Papyrus

It goes:

# "How do you entertain a bored pharaoh?

# "You sail a boatload of young women dressed only in fishing nets down the Nile and urge the pharaoh to go catch a fish."

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A college professor gets offered a chance to teach sex education which is not what he usually teaches.

He’s a little embarrassed to tell his wife what he’s teaching so he tells her he’s teaching a class on sailing. A few months go by and his wife runs into a friend’s daughter who says, “I’m really enjoying your husbands class!”

The professor’s wife says, “Oh?…I’m surprised, he’s only done it o...

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A brave and fearsome pirate sailed toward a small island, in search for buried treasure.

He and his crew raced ahead in their rowboat, eagerly awaiting a massive payday. When they shortly came upon a large forest, they searched desperately for the last clue on the map.

As the first mate guided them carefully up to a clearing, he stopped suddenly and pointed at a crouched figure ...

Olympic sailing competition just finished. France got the gold, South Africa got the silver, and ...

Somalia got the boat.

The original red shirt story

There's this mighty sailing ship, a British frigate, cruising the Seven Seas, and one day the lookout shouts down from the crow's nest, "Captain! Captain! There's two pirate ships heading our way! They mean to attack! What should we do?"

And the captain, he says, "Bring me my red shirt."<...

Somalia swept the Olympic sailing podium

They earned gold, silver, and bronze despite starting the event with one entry

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A married couple are sailing with a young tour guide.

There's a sudden storm and the boat gets destroyed. Luckily, all three of them survive and manage to swim towards a small island.

Once they've caught their breath, the tour guide speaks. "Let's take turns keeping watch for any ships that come by for help. I'll climb up that palm tree and keep...

(A joke from ancient Rome) A wealthy idiot is sailing into a storm. It looks like the ship might sink, and his servants begin to cry in terror.

The man turns to his servant and says "If we sink and I die, don't worry. I'm freeing you in my will."

Golfing

There was this preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he could be found on the golf course swinging away. It was an obsession.

One Sunday was a picture perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, no clouds in the sky, and the temperature was just right. The preacher was in...

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Sailing aboard the new cruise liner SS Penis is by invitation only.

It's an exclusive member ship.

Thought I’d try translating a joke. Two foreigners are sailing to America for work.

Upon getting off the boat at the dock, one notices a hotdog stand. Sure, it sounds weird to them but they decide to try it.

As one unwraps the foil, he blushes and asks, “Which part of the dog did you get?”

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A grammar nazi pirate is sailing his ship getting ready to attack an enemy ship...

when one of his men comes up to him and hollers:

*"The cannons be ready, Captain!"*

The Captain looks at him and says:

*"Arrrrrrrrrre"*

As the first fleet rounded the headlands and sailed into Botany bay the local Aborigines could see several men looking towards them through big fancy telescopes. One of the Aborigines comments "stupid white man,

can't even play the didgeridoo".

Captain Flint and his crew of cutlass wielding marauders, set sail for Clew Bay, ready to take down the Filthy Five Hundred and collect upon their bounty.

Retrieving the heads of these skallywags will net him $1 per ear, and Captain Flint was ready to lay down his life for it. With $1000 he could buy an entire fleet with 50 men per ship. He'd be the most feared Pirate in the Atlantic!

After 2 days of fighting by sea and shore, Captain Flint an...

So a three masted sailing ship is leaving port...

... just a day out of port the captain is standing on the deck when the lookout calls down "Sir! There's an enemy ship on the horizon!"

The captain turns to his cabin boy and shouts "Bring me my red shirt!"

After the cabin boy brings him the red shirt and he puts it on, the two ships...

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A certain talk.

One day a vicar bumped into the headmistress of an exclusive girls' school.
"O Vicar, our girls are a certain age and we would like them to to have a Christian perspective on sex. Will you talk to them next Tuesday afternoon?"

The vicar agreed and decided he had better put the talk on his ...

Have you ever had the privilege of sailing across the North Atlantic Sea?

Neither has the Titanic.

I was sailing my boat when a massive hand rose out of the water and then slowly disappeared.

I thought, "Thats the biggest wave I’ve ever seen."

How do you make a tissue sail the seven seas?

Put some seamen in it

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I have built a thousand houses, yet nobody calls me Peter the House Builter. I have sailed across all the seas yet nobody calls me Peter the Sea Crosser

But i fuck ONE silly goat...

How do you know if you'll like sailing?

Put on a thick yellow raincoat, and stuff it with hundred dollar bills. Step into the shower, turn it on full blast and it's coldest temperature, and just start stuffing those bills down the drain. If you've managed to somehow enjoy yourself doing this, you might just be crazy enough to enjoy sailin...

Medical Emergency! A man goes to the doctor's with a pained expression on his face.

"Doctor", he says, "Last year I was on a sailing yacht and smoking my usual cigar when unfortunately I sat down on a box of emergency distress signals and got badly burned."

"Oh," replies the doctor, "that sounds very painful. But are you in pain now, even a year later?"

"Well", says t...

They say the Spinosaurus' sail acts like a radiator which dissipates all the heat away

Truly spine chilling

Pirates

A young man gets promoted to first mate on a rich merchant ship. One beautiful Caribbean day there’s a shout from the crows nest.
“Captain , there is one pirate ship on the horizon” to which the Captain yells to his first mate “ first mate, quick, get me my red shirt!!!!”
The first mate quickl...

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Alright guys, the Suez Canal jokes are getting a bit old now.

That ship has sailed.

Did you hear about Titanic II gearing up to set sail in 2022?

Good thing we melted all our glaciers in the preparation.

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves ...

Long ago,

when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship.

As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate: 'Bring me my red shirt!'

The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which t...

It's fine to be enthusiastic about sailing...

Just don't go overboard

Jennifer Aniston can't sail

But Lisa Kudrow

Sail on, sailor

Man to his wife: "If I died before you, would you remarry?".
Wife: "Oh well I'd have to think about it but yes, I probably would."
Man: "Would you stay in this house?"
Wife: "Well, it's a nice house dear, I think I would"
Man: "Would you sleep in this bed?"
Wife: "I like the bed, it's...

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It has been mentioned that when cruises start sailing again, the buffets will all be staffed with servers instead of just serving yourself.

The saddest job will be the person who has to push the buttons on the pop dispenser.   Why?   Because it is "soda pressing".


I will see myself out.

I always thought sailing around under thunderclouds was not desirable

But apparently this weather is foreboating

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2 Dinosaurs were sat on a beach watching as a ship sailed into the sunset

One dinosaur turns to the other and says "That Noah's a bit of a twat isn't he."

Why did pirates never sail down the River Thames?

'Scurvy

What did the pirate CEO say to his crew?

Argh you have to work harder! Our **sails** are down!

How long would you be sailing if you were to sail 220 yards at a speed of one nautical mile an hour?

Knot furlong.

It is a little risky to download “Come Sail Away” or “Satisfaction” from the internet. “Turn, Turn, Turn” is perfectly safe however.

Styx and Stones may break your phones, but The Byrds will never hurt you.

My wife didn't finish her Morse code lessons before going sailing.

She seems to alright though she keeps sending me messages to send her an SMS but I haven't got a reply yet.

Olympic Results for Sailing are out:

The British have taken the Gold medal.

The French have taken the Silver medal.

The Somalians have taken the boats.

The Captain's red shirt

Bored of living in poverty in the late 1700's, Finn decides he wants a slice of the pie in the high stakes world of pirates. He knows pirates dock down in the bay by his village, so once he spots them, he manages to sneak aboard one of the ships. He eventually gets discovered, and rather than throw ...

cruise ship, war ship, sail ship, cargo ship, battle ship, tanker ship, icebreaker ship

all kind of ship have made their trip to Liverpool

all except Premiership

My husband told me I could choose the name he'd paint on the back of his new boat with the condition it be nautical themed. So I named it...

For Sail.

Titanic jokes aren't funny anymore. They're so old and outdated.

That ship has sailed a long time ago.

3 sailors crash their boat while sailing close to the shore of an unexplored island.

After moving inland, they are captured by members of an indigenous tribe. The tribesmen take the sailors to their chief. The chief, in very broken English, speaks to them,

"You trespass here, now I have test for you. Go deep into forest. Pick for me 3 fruits, and return to me. The test begins...

Why do pirates avoid sailing in shallow water?

With only one eye, they have terrible depth perception.

A ship was sailing in the middle of the ocean....

A storm was developing in the distance. As the storm raged, the captain realised the ship was sinking fast.

He called out loud, "Anyone here knows how to pray?"

A man proudly raised his hand and came forward, "Aye Captain, I know how to pray."

The Captain replied, "Great, you ke...

What do you call a group of guys, sailing the sea, singing about looting and stealing?

21 pirates.

A US Ship was sailing through dense fog when it sees another light....

US Ship: Please divert your course 0.5 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

CND reply: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

US Ship: This is the Captain of a US Navy Ship. I say again, divert your course.

CND reply: No. I say again...

A cruise ship is sailing in the Caribbean..

The cruise ship passes by a remote island, and all the passengers see a bearded man with an eyepatch running around and waving his arms wildly.

“Captain,” one passenger asks, “who is that man over there?”

“I have no idea,” the captain says, “but he goes nuts every year when we pass him...

An ocean liner is sailing in the North Atlantic and hits an iceberg.

As the ship is sinking, one crewman runs to the ship’s captain and tells him to open the root beer caskets in the ship’s hold.

The captain is confused but has no other options, so he orders all of the ship’s root beer caskets cut open. The root beer floods the hold and the ship slowly stops s...

Last night, I dreamt that I was sailing in a sea of soda.

I wish I could go back to that Fanta sea.

How long does it take to sail from Dorne to Mereen?

It Varys.

A group of men are out sailing when they decide to see what the chef is cooking for dinner.

They walk in and, being that he doesn’t have a rolling pin, see him flattening biscuits with his armpit.

“That’s disgusting!” One guy says to the other.

“Yeah, well you should see how he makes donuts!”

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A man joins the crew of a sailing ship.

After a few days he gets restless and asks "What does one do about sex around here?"

The others direct him to a large barrel with a hole in it. At first he does not like the idea much but, when he tries it, he finds it surprisingly enjoyable. He has another go the next day, and again the d...

A pirate ship is sailing in the ocean when an enemy ship approaches...

"Captain, an enemy ship approaches!" A crew member shouted from the crow's nest.

The captain turned to his first mate and said, "Bring me my red shirt." The first mate, somewhat confused, ran to the captain's quarters and brought the captain his red shirt. They battled the enemy ship and won....

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I recently sailed around the world on one of those “once in a lifetime” cruises.

The cruise was scheduled to take 6 months, visit all 7 continents, and make port calls in over 30 different cities. I was very excited and could not wait.

The cruise began with several uneventful stops along the gulf off Mexico and down the Eastern side of South America. As we neared the sout...

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A man sails to visit a remote part on the coast of Ireland.

As he comes close to the harbor, he sees an enormous, absolutely gorgeous Barque, docked in its own reserved spot. He ogles it for a minute, before docking himself and running through his checklist of things to finish before he can leave his vessel.

He finishes, gets all his things, and goes...

Some pirates are sailing off the coast of Madagascar

The captain points to the shore and says to his first mate:

"Do you see those crazy looking lemur things?"

To which the first mate replied:

"Aye aye, I eye aye-aye"

Four men were stranded on a small island after surviving a shipwreck

20 year old, 30, 40 and a 60 year old.

After a short while they noticed another island nearby with many beautiful, naked women walking about.

The 20 year old said: "let's swim over there", swiftly jumped in the water and off he swam fast towards the other island.

The 30 year ol...

Why did the nun go to confession after sailing?

The boat was full of seamen.

Where do Mathematicians sail?

Indices.

An American is sailing in German waters when his boat starts to take in lots of water.

Realizing he won't be able to make it to shore, he calls the German Coast Guard.

"I'm sinking, I am sinking!"

The operator replies "Vhat are you sinking about?"

Our sailing trip in Maine was going great...

until we were capsized by Augusta wind.

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A young man traveled the world in search of buried treasure. After five years with no luck, he received a prophecy from an enchantress which told of a vast hoard of golden loot squirreled away in Bermuda by a famous privateer crew.

Sure enough, after sailing for another year, he came to the place the enchantress had spoken of and found a trove of coins and medallions, enough to make him wealthy beyond his wildest dreams.

He brought all of it on board his ship and through storms and turmoil returned home with his prize....

When I was a kid I wanted to become a pirate, and sail the open seas.

But instead, I just ended up downloading a lot of movies.

Olympic Sailing results are in!

Denmark have taken gold

Finland have taken silver

Somalia have taken a middle aged couple who were on a worldwide cruise

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My Dad's a retired Gynecologist.

He's out sailing the world, sipping cocktails and enjoying his spare time hopping from hobby to hobby. I'm so happy for him.

It's like he used to say to his old clients, "as long as I put the work in now, the day will come when i'll be able to enjoy the fruits of your labia".

People may think if its necessary for ships to have sails...

I would say its a mast.

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A USMC veteran decides he wants to die in a very badass way.

After some time thinking, he figures the most badass way to die is while rowing across the Atlantic (keep in mind, he's a Marine; not too bright). So he makes his way to the East Coast, buys a dingy, and gets to rowing.

"ONE! TWO! THREE! FOUR! MARINE CORPS! MARINE CORPS!" he eagerly chants as...

Q: You're sailing on a boat with a pack of cigarettes, but do not have a fire source, what do?

A: Throw one overboard to make the boat a cigarette lighter.

One knight a king, a queen, and a dog sailed on a boat. The queen and king fell off and drowned. The dog tried to rescue them but was eaten by a shark. Who survived?

The knight.

(It's a better oral joke since knight and night are interchangeable)

Pirates are sailing when...

... in the distance 2 ships are spotted, all the pirates are called to man their stations and prepare for battle. The captain tells his trusty shipmate to get his red vest. The ship is damaged but the battle against the two ships is won. After the battle the captain's mate says to him, "why dd you a...

A schooner, a clipper and a junk sail into a bar,

All hands lost.

An English navy ship is sailing off the coast of Germany...

When the ship runs into a giant boulder underwater and starts sinking.

The captain quickly gets on the radio and says "Mayday mayday. This is the English navy we are sinking. I repeat we are sinking." With no response from the German navy base.

After numerous attempts they finally he...

One day a King named Brof sailed to an archipelago

He had a large army and demanded that they prepare him the finest meal he could or his army would destroy them and he only gave them a week to do it. So 5 days later the 12 different islands in the archipelago held a cooking contest. Each island prepared a beautiful dish and after much delay the jud...

Got this one from a coworker the other day.

There was once this great pirate captain who refused to lose any battles no matter the cost. He would give up anything to secure victory in battle.

One day while sailing the open ocean he and his crew encounter an two enemy ships so he yells to his first mate “get me my red shirt!” So the fi...

A guide and a tourist are sailing past the coast...

They sail past a few sights and the guide gives some backstory on these.

Eventually they sail past a man and a woman making a ruckus in the bushes. The guide is embarrassed and says: "These people are just cycling."

The tourist grabs an oar and throws it at the guy's head.

The g...

Why don’t the Jedi have a navy?

Because sailing is a path to the dockside.

An admiral is sailing a ship...

and ahead of him, spots an incoming light. He radios the light, commanding, "Turn 10 degrees South to avoid a collision course." The radio squawked, "No, you are to turn 10 degrees South." This exchange happens about 3 or 4 more times until finally, the admiral yells into the radio, saying, "Do you ...

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I recently picked a new primary care doctor

After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I just turned forty in July) A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him,
"Do you think I'll live to be 80?"
He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?"<...

Why are fire trucks red?

Because they have eight wheels and four people, and eight plus four is twelve. Twelve inches is a foot, and a foot is a ruler. Queen Elizabeth is also a ruler, but queen Elizabeth is also a ship, and ships sail the seas, and seas have fish, and fish have fins, and the Fins fought the Russians, Russi...

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Retired US Marine...

... had decided, that he had enough. So he goes, gets a rowboat and goes rowing towards Atlantic Ocean chanting: "1 2 3 Marine Corps, Marine Corps".

God sees this and goes:"Huh, this guy wants to die, it seems. Well I am going to be a dong and make him die in a most roundabout way"

S...

Once, many many years ago, there was a fad among fast food restaurants

to put historical, sometimes military or industrial items in their front yards as a kind of attraction/plaything; an old howitzer or maybe even a train caboose that kids could inspect or climb on. Sometimes these unlikely things would be decorated with the characters or dishes of the food chain. For...

A retired marine wanted to die in a cool way...

So he decided: "I'm going to canoe across the Atlantic Ocean, a wave ought kill me!"

And so he went, with his little canoe paddling across the Atlantic Ocean, always screaming:

"One, Two, Three, Four, Marine Corps, Oh Rah Oh Rah, Marine Corps!"

God looks upon him and says: "He s...

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I almost got arrested on my way to a Pistons game

I recently moved to Michigan because of my new job. It was a step up from my previous dead-end one and of course, more pay meant more work which is why I try to enjoy the little free time that I have.

Being a huge NBA fan, I decided to catch a Pistons game at the Little Caesar's Arena. Howev...

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Dirty Whale joke

A male and female whale were swimming in an ocean. They noticed a whaling ship sailing nearby. The male whale told the female whale: "This is the same ship that was used to kill my dad."

Then he proceeded to say: "I have a plan. Let's swim right below the ship, and use our blowholes at once. ...

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