UPJOKE
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How many pathologists does it take to diagnose a malignancy?

10....because one less would benign.

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So there's this pathologist who's just walked into the morgue with his medical students

They walk over to a cadaver that's just arrived that morning.

"Please observe the following" he says. He takes his index finger and shoves it up the anus of the cadaver, pulls it out and sucks on his finger. "Now you all try" he says as each student puts their index finger up the anus and li...

What’s the worst thing you’ve ever heard a pathologist say?

I’ve lost a patient.

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A pathologist talks to his colleague

"You are not going to believe it but yesterday I had a woman on a table with a clit like a pickle."

"That big?" asks the other pathologist.

"No, that sour".

It's my cake day so lets celebrate with the dirtiest joke I know. :-)

Free Organic Pathologist Test

Go up to a tree and take a leak:

* If pee attracts ants, you've got diabetes.
* If it dries fast, your sodium is high.
* If it smells like meat, your cholesterol is high.
* If you forgot to unzip, it's Alzheimer's.
* If you missed the tree, Parkinson's.
* If you peed on your s...

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A pathologist is teaching her class how to do autopsies

The students are taken to the morgue and once in there they are shown the corpse of a dead man. The cadaver is bloated and old, several traumatic wounds are visible, its skin is pale and dried and the faint smell of chemicals and rot emanates from him. "To become a good pathologist you need to lear...

The Oklahoma D.O.T found over 200 dead crows on highways recently.

There was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu.

The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colou...

Me: I want to be a pathologist and help solve crimes doing autopsies.

Skeptical girlfriend: Autopsies are a dying profession.

Attention! Is there a Doctor on the Plane?!

I am a doctor.

-Please help him!!

But I'm a Pathologist.

-But he's dying!

Don't worry, I can wait.

Doctors

Three doctors are in the duck blind and a bird flies overhead. The general practitioner looks at it and says, Looks like a duck, flies like a duck... it's probably a duck, shoots at it but misses and the bird flies away. The next bird flies overhead, and the pathologist looks at it, then looks thro...

Why did the forensic pathologist take off from work?

She had the coroner-virus!

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The nation's top medical experts were asked today if it was time to ease the COVID restrictions.

Allergists were in favour of scratching it.

Dermatologists advised not to make any rash decisions.

Gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it.

Neurologists thought the government had a lot of nerve.

Obstetricians thought the government was labouring under a misconcept...

Defense!



In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining a pathologist:

Attorney: Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse? Coroner: No.

Attorney: Did you listen to the heart? Coroner: No.

Attorney: Did you check for breathing? Coroner: No. ...

The people who say that pathologists are “cold and unfeeling,” have it backwards . . . .

It’s their patients who are unfeeling and cold.

Four doctors are sitting in a boat in the reeds, duck hunting.

The family practitioner spots a flock of fowl flying overhead, turns to the specialist and says: "I think those are ducks. I need a second opinion."

The specialist says: "I can schedule you in for a consult in two months."

The surgeon picks up his shotgun. BLAM-BLAM-BLAM!!! Three of t...

How does it feel to work from home?

"I don't like working from home at all! My family isn't happy too." - Henry, 41, pathologist.

The doctor said I had the body of a man half my age...

...but the police pathologist said he was more like 2/3 once they'd defrosted him

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Two pathologists are in a morgue...

...one says to the other,

"Hey, you know the blonde stiff in container C-06?"

"Yeah?" the other replies.

"Well, there's a prawn in between her legs."

"What?!"

"Yes, I swear!"

"Bullshit, show me."

The pathologist leads the other to the container, pulls...

The three stuttering Irishmen..

A very attractive young female speech pathologist was presented with three young Irishmen, all of whom stuttered. She spent many long hours working with them both individually and as a group. She tried everything in the book. Finally, totally perplexed by their lack of progress she called them all ...

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A doctor joke

(You May only get if you understand the nature of the different medical specialties)

A surgeon, internist, radiologist, and pathologist go duck hunting for the first time.

They are huddled in the duck blind and the first bird goes flying in front of them, but they can’t clearly make o...

I tried to set up autopay for my hospital bill but I must have missed by one letter.

Instead I had my vital organs removed, toxicology tests, and a pathologist report on how I died.

What happened to E?

Detective: What happened to E?

Pathologist: Looking at the remains’ bone structures, all I can tell you is that E had to be a guy.

Detective: I guess that makes this case about a Mister E.

The man who invented the Kinder Surprise had died.

The pathologist who does his autopsy is in for a treat.

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An usual conversation on Tinder.

M: Wow, you’re beautiful, so, can you send me a pic of your titties?


W: Sure, send me 20$


Sending money.


M: Oh, they’re gorgeous! Now, can you also send me a pic of your butt?


W: No problems, send another 50$


After a while.

<...

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Four physicians are out in a field...

... a general internist, an emergency physician, a surgeon, and a pathologist. They see a bird fly overhead.

- The internist says "looks like a sparrow, sounds like a sparrow, its probably a sparrow.'

- The emergency physician says "it's not a falcon, it's not a hawk, I'm not sure ...

Identity Crises!

A man goes to the doctor's consultation room to get the results of his wife's tests.

The lady on duty tells him: "I'm terribly sorry Mr. but there was a bit of a problem that crept in.

We sent your wife's tests along with another lady with the same surname, to the pathologists. Resul...

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