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Ophthalmologist Jokes

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A man sits next to another man on the train and pulls out a photo of his wife “isn’t she beautiful?”

Other man: “If you think she’s beautiful you should see my wife”
First man: “Why? Is she a stunner?”
Other man: “No, she’s an ophthalmologist”

Ophthalmologist Tech Support

My ophthalmologist knows I’m good with computers and was asking if I could help with a little web design that could accommodate the accessibility needs of their patients.

So I built them a site for sore eyes.

I told my ophthalmologist father I didn’t want to hear anymore eye jokes.

They just get cornea and cornea...

A Polish goes to the ophthalmologist.

The doctor shows him:

C Z J W I N O S T A W C Z

"Can you read this?"

"Read? I know this guy!"

What do you call a radical ophthalmologist?

An eye-deologue

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!

Doctor: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude!

Priest: Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him.

Priest: Hi George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they?

George: Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighte...

How many ophthalmologists does it take to change a light bulb?

1... or 2? 1... or 2?

My ophthalmologist told me I have a lazy eye

I am glad he didn’t discovered about the rest of my body.

I got thrown out of the ophthalmologist's office today for singing the YMCA.

Turns out you aren't supposed to help people during the eye chart test.

I went to the ophthalmologist to treat my color blindless.

But they treated me so poorly I saw grey all the way home.

I just got a voice mail that my ophthalmologist is retiring....

I won't be seeing him anymore.

A Priest, a Doctor, and an Engineer are playing golf

An engineer, a priest, and a doctor are trying to enjoying a round of golf. Ahead of them is a group playing so slowly and inexpertly that in frustration the three ask the greenkeeper for an explanation. “That’s a group of blind firefighters,” they are told. “They lost their sight saving our clubhou...

So, apparently Rand Paul was sucker punched...

So Rand Paul, who happens to be an ophthalmologist, apparently got into a fight with his neighbor, an anesthesiologist. Paul claims he was sucker punched, but neither man was badly hurt.

Does make you wonder, though - an ophthalmologist who didn't see it coming and an anesthesiologist who fai...

A man is having LASIK eye surgery

**Ophthalmologist:** John, stay calm. This is a simple procedure and the odds of blindness are very low.

**Patient:** Thanks, but my name isn't John.

**Ophthalmologist:** I know, mine is.

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Whaddya call ophthalmologist porn?

Rods and Cones

I have a friend whose an ophthalmologist, and he thinks I’m not so enthusiastic about the idea of him going into business for himself...

In my words. I said “Open up a store for all eye care.”

Did you hear about the Ophthalmologist who told his patient that he has cataracts?

It was an eye-opening experience for him.

I told my friend: I have an appointment with an ophthalmologist today by noon.

Then he asked me: “and then what?”

Well, I said, then I’ll see...

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An Asian man goes to the Ophthalmologist...

(you gotta say this one out loud. Doesn't work so well written/read)

After some tests, the doctor comes back and tells him: "You have a cataract."

The patient looks at him, confused, and says: "No I don't. I drive a Rincoln."

What’s another name for an eye dropper ?

Clumsy ophthalmologist

A patient complained to his doctor that he kept seeing spots before his eyes.

The doctor was confused. "Why have you come to me? Have you seen the ophthalmologist?"

"No," replied the patient. "Just spots."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a GP's office with a fork stuck in his cheek.

'Help me, doctor!' he says in a desperate voice.

'I'm sorry, there's nothing I can do for you,' says the doctor while putting on his coat. 'My shift ends at 5 p.m. and it's already five past.'

'But doctor, please, there must be something you can do!', cries the man.

'No, sorry...

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Medical experts were asked if it is time to lift the COVID-19 lockdown restrictions.

There were mixed responses.

Allergists were in favor of scratching it altogether, but dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

Gastroenterologists had a gut feeling it was a bad idea, and neurologists claimed the government had a lot of nerve.

Obstetricians felt certai...

Golf jokes today is it? Here's mine

A three-man group, a doctor, a priest, and an engineer are playing a golf course on a beautiful summer day. After a few holes they realize the group ahead of them is progressing incredibly slowly; the doctor flags down the groundskeeper and asks "What's taking them so long? I've got patients to see ...

A cop gets shot while on duty

He goes into surgery, and falls into a coma.

His grieving wife is billed a few weeks later. She is confused to find part of her bill includes "a service from an ophthalmologist." She then decides to visit the hospital to see why they needed one.

Wife: Why did you need an ophthalmologis...

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