UPJOKE
opticianophthalmologistophthalmologyunited kingdomdermatologistradiologistoncologistorthodontistchiropractoranesthesiologistobstetriciandentistpodiatristinternistgynecologist

A snake goes in to see the optometrist because his eyesight is failing.

“It’s actually affecting my life. I can’t hunt anymore because I can’t see.”



The doctor fits the snake for glasses and the snake immediately notices an improvement in his eyesight. A week later, the doctor calls the snake to check how the glasses are holding up.



“They’r...

Why did the cell phone go see an optometrist?

It needed contacts.

Why do optometrists live so long?

Because they dilate.

I broke up with my girlfriend, who is an Optometrist

She's a great lady, has a lot of my same interests, and is really a kind person. She's just really irritating in bed.

She's always saying, "So do like it better like this... or like this?"

My optometrist told me I have bad vision

I don't see the problem.

How many optometrists does it take to change a light bulb?

One...or two.

Went to the optometrist office today and bumped into an old friend!

I also bumped into the optometrist, the receptionist, and I knocked over their sunglasses display.

The Czech at the optometrist

The optometrist shows him the usual table, you know the kind, with the C Z R N H K...

"Can you read this?"

"Read? This moocher still owes me 50 bucks!"

I asked my dad what he was planning to do today.

He said he was going to the optometrist to pick up his new prescription then he'd see.

Guy walks in to an optometrist office and sais "Eye-Doctor"?...

Doctor sais, "oh what a coincidence,
I doctor too"

Guess who I bumped into on my way to the optometrist

Everyone

Had to drive my girlfriend to the optometrist because she was having issues with her vision

Turns out she was seeing other people

I asked my optometrist why he was starting to look like an eyeglass?

And he said it was in order to make a spectacle of himself.

A Polish man goes to the optometrists for an eye test.

The optometrist had his eye chart on the wall with several lines of scrambled letters of various type size. The optometrist points to a line of medium size letters and says,"Can you read this line?" The Polish man says, "Read it! Hell yeah, I know the guy!"

So I heard there's a group of optometrists who founded a colony on an archipelago off the coast of Alaska, but the islands themselves are very weird to look at.

They're called the Optical Aleutians.

I wouldn’t want to work as an optometrist

They have to make eye contacts

Jeffery Dahmer visits his optometrist.

Doc says, ”you should never rub your eyes”.

Jeffrey contemplates.

Did you hear of the optometrist that fell into the lens grinder?

He made a spectacle of himself. (Old joke)

I visited the optometrist yesterday

It was an eye opening experience.

What did the optometrist prescribe the star?

Sun Glasses - I'll show myself out

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Japanese man goes to the optometrist..

Optometrist gives him an examination and says “You have a cataract.”

Japanese man says “No, I drive a rincoln continentrr.”

John Cena walks into an Optometrist

Optometrist: Okay Mr. Cena, please read the top letter for me.

John Cena: U

Optometrist: Great! And the 2nd line.

John Cena: I can’t

Optometrist: So, you can’t see M E?

I once saw a grand opening of an optometrist office

It was quite the spectacle.

A man sitting next to me on the bus today showed me a picture of his wife.

He says to me "Isn't she beautiful"?

I replied to him "If you think she's pretty, you should see my wife"

He then asked "Oh, is your wife beautiful too"?, to which I replied "No, she's an optometrist".

What did the evil optometrist say

They’ll see they’ll all see

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Czech at the optometrist

He gets to look at the familiar board with the letters and is asked "Can you read this?"

"Read it? That bastard still owes me money!"

Why did the optometrist set his clock to military time?

To see 20:20

What do you call a Muslim optometrist who has no regards for his patients?

Asif Eyecare

I'm so glad I stumbled across that optometrist's webpage...

...it was a site for sore eyes.

My optometrist likes to make eye puns

they keep getting cornea and cornea

A Polish man goes to an optometrist.

He takes a seat. The optometrist shows him a sign that says:

SZCZPWSZRBWPWZTC
ZRTCWYBLSMSZTCZ

The optometrist asks, "Can you read the letters?"

The Polish man replies "Of course, I even know the guy!"

What do you call an optometrist in-training

A spec-u-later

I think my optometrist is evil. When I went for an appointment he came out to the waiting room and shouted:

You'll see! You'll all see!

What do you call an optometrist on a boat?

A see captain

An optimist says, “the glass is half full.” A pessimist says, “the glass is half empty.”

An optometrist says, “you both need glasses.”

What do you call an Eskimo optometrist?

...An optical Aleutian.





I actually made this one up.
But if someone else said it first, I wouldn't be surprised.

What did the wife tell the optometrist?

Stop, you’re making a spectacle.

A man goes to his optometrist...

He complains, "Doc, I can't see things far away. What can you do to help?" The optometrist says "Follow me." and heads outside.

He points to the sun and asks the man, "Can you tell me what you see there?" The man replies, "That's the sun, of course!"

The optometrist then says, "How mu...

A Polish man goes into the optometrist to get new glasses.

The optometrist holds up an eye chart and asks "What do you make of this?" The man responds, "I went to school with that guy."

A man goes to his friend for a free eye-test...

On the first visit he tells him:


"My eyesight has been blurry recently and my eyes are getting more painful"


"Don't worry, it's probably nothing. It'll get better on its own," says the friend, without examining him.


On the second visit he tells his friend his v...

An optometrist asks a woman out on a date

I have a couple of ideas:

1: Dinner
2: Movies

1 or 2? 1.. 2..? 1..... or 2?

What did the optometrist say when he walked into another doctor's prostate exam

How many fingers is he holding up?

The guy sat next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?"

I said, "If you think she's beautiful, you should see my wife!

He said, "Why? Is she super-hot too?

I said, "No, she's an optometrist!"

A patient walks into an optometrist's office.

The optometrist starts the eye exam and casually asks her if there's any particular reason she came in for a checkup.

"Doctor, I think am having hallucinations. Every time I open my eyes, I see really dark things. Evil. Malice. Hatred. Plague. I am seeing the worst in everything. Nothing look...

So I stopped by the optometrist yesterday, for an eye examine

He told me, my eyesight was so bad, 20/20 might be the only responsible way to describe it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did Hitler go to the Optometrist ?

Because he could Nazi

Went to a new optometrist today, but he was way too narcissistic.

Don’t know what I expected from an “I” expert.

What’s an optometrist’s favourite terrorist group?

Iris

It's half a year left before all the optometrists go out of business!

Because everyone will have 2020 vision!

A patient goes to a new optometrist.

“What seems to be the problem?”

“Well something is wrong with my left eye. It doesn’t seem right.”

“Well that’s because it’s your left. Any other questions?”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into an optometrist's office carrying a violin case

"I'd like to see the optometrist, please," he says to the receptionist.

"I can certainly help you with that," says the receptionist. "What's the reason for your visit?"

Proudly, the man places the violin case on the desk, and opens it. Inside - unbent, unbroken, and filling the case fr...

Mr Wong goes to the optometrist...

The optometrist says to him "I'm sorry, Mr Wong, I'm afraid I have some bad news: you have a cataract."

Mr Wong says confidently "No! I drive Rincoln Continentar!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A bomb went off near Hitler and some shrapnel got in his eyes. He went to the optometrist and when asked why Day was wrong he said

I can Nazi

I think my optometrist is in love with me.

Every time I leave his office he hands me a bottle of contact solution and says "Eye care for you"

"Doctor, doctor, I keep seeing green spots." "Have you seen an optometrist?"

"No, just green spots."

I was at the optometrist's office yesterday. I asked if we could pause the test because I really needed to go to the bathroom.

He asked, "Number one or number two?".

An Opthalmologist, an Optometrist, and an Optician walk into a bar...

nobody on reddit could see the difference

Did you hear about the Optometrist who helps police solve crimes?

He's a Private I

Did u know 70% of Chinese optometrists have cataracts

The other 30 drive Rincolns

(From Grandpa RIP) A Chinaman walks into an optometrist’s office. The optometrist says, “Well it seems like you have a cataract.”

The chinaman says “Nooooo, I drive a Rincoln Continental”

What’d the Australian optometrist say to his 20/20 patient?

“Good eye might”

I went to the Optometrists to buy some glasses the other day, you'll never guess who I ran into...

Everyone.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into his optometrist's office...

The optometrist says to him, "Sorry Steve, but you have to stop masturbating."

Steve says, "I knew it. I'm going blind aren't I? I overdid it."

The optometrist says, "You're not going blind, Steve, you're just freaking out everyone in the waiting room."

Why don't optometrists do drugs?

They're always contact high.

I went to the optometrist the other day and he told me I was colourblind...

It came right out of the purple

An optometrist was preparing an arranged marriage...

An optometrist was preparing an arranged marriage for his 18 year old daughter and needed to find a suitable husband. His daughter was extremely beautiful and has had many men across the world ask for her hand in marriage and her father began seeing which of these men would suit her. After searching...

The optometrist told me I had Gary Larson disease

I'm farsided

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An asian man walks into an optometrist's office...

An asian man walks into an optometrist's office and gets his eyes checked out. After the test is over the optometrist says "you've got a cataract". To which the asian man replies "a cataract?! no no. Ive got a rincoln continental!"

I used to work as an optometrist

It was a real eye-opening experience

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jack and Jill go up the hill to fetch a pail of water. Jack falls down and breaks his crown and Jill comes tumbling after.

Jill feels physically fine but is not able to see clearly. She decides to go to the optometrist nearby to get her eyes checked. She tells the optometrist about her blurred vision and the optometrist makes her sit in a chair and asks her to read the letters on the eye chart hanging on the wall across...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The nation's top medical experts were asked today if it was time to ease the COVID restrictions.

Allergists were in favour of scratching it.

Dermatologists advised not to make any rash decisions.

Gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it.

Neurologists thought the government had a lot of nerve.

Obstetricians thought the government was labouring under a misconcept...

Why did the man decide to go to the optometrist before trying ecstasy since he wasn't planning on going to the beach?

Eye before E except after Sea.

An Asian goes to the optometrist...

The optometrist says, after a moment or two: "I see what the problem is...you have a cataract."
The Asian immediately replies: "no no, it's a Rincon Continental."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Asian man walks into an optometrist's office

AFter testing the mans vision the doctor says to him
"Sir i belive you have a cataract"
"Nonsense" the man says "I drive a Rincoln"

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.