A snake goes in to see the optometrist because his eyesight is failing.

“It’s actually affecting my life. I can’t hunt anymore because I can’t see.”



The doctor fits the snake for glasses and the snake immediately notices an improvement in his eyesight. A week later, the doctor calls the snake to check how the glasses are holding up.



“They’r...

How many optometrist does it take to change a light bulb?

One . . . Or two? . . . One . . . . . . . . Or two?

A Man walks into an optometrist shop

He says," I think my vision is a little blurry, I may need glasses"

"Oh you need glasses for sure"

The man is perplexed," how can you be so sure without testing,?"

"Oh, I am sure, because this is the bank"

The optometrist said to his patient, "Your results are in."

The patient asked, "Can I see them?"

*"Probably not."*

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I was dating an Optometrist, but finally needed to break up with her

She was sexy and had a great personality, but after a while she was just too annoying in bed.

She was always saying, "So, do you like it better like this?... or like this?"

What happened to the optometrist that fell into the eyeglass making machine?

He made a spectacle of himself

How many optometrists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

1 or 2?

1... or 2?

What do you call a blind optometrist

Eyeronic

Why did the cell phone go see an optometrist?

It needed contacts.

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A Czech at the optometrist

He gets to look at the familiar board with the letters and is asked "Can you read this?"

"Read it? That bastard still owes me money!"

I visited the optometrist yesterday

It was an eye opening experience.

Guess who I bumped into on my way to the optometrist

Everyone

So I stopped by the optometrist yesterday, for an eye examine

He told me, my eyesight was so bad, 20/20 might be the only responsible way to describe it.

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A bomb went off near Hitler and some shrapnel got in his eyes. He went to the optometrist and when asked why Day was wrong he said

I can Nazi

Went to the optometrist office today and bumped into an old friend!

I also bumped into the optometrist, the receptionist and I knocked over their sunglasses display.

Had to drive my girlfriend to the optometrist because she was having issues with her vision

Turns out she was seeing other people

A patient walks into an optometrist's office.

The optometrist starts the eye exam and casually asks her if there's any particular reason she came in for a checkup.

"Doctor, I think am having hallucinations. Every time I open my eyes, I see really dark things. Evil. Malice. Hatred. Plague. I am seeing the worst in everything. Nothing look...

A Polish man goes into the optometrist to get new glasses.

The optometrist holds up an eye chart and asks "What do you make of this?" The man responds, "I went to school with that guy."

A Polish man goes to an optometrist.

He takes a seat. The optometrist shows him a sign that says:

SZCZPWSZRBWPWZTC
ZRTCWYBLSMSZTCZ

The optometrist asks, "Can you read the letters?"

The Polish man replies "Of course, I even know the guy!"

Why did the optometrist set his clock to military time?

To see 20:20

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Why did Hitler go to the Optometrist ?

Because he could Nazi

My optometrist told me I have bad vision

I don't see the problem.

It's half a year left before all the optometrists go out of business!

Because everyone will have 2020 vision!

What did the wife tell the optometrist?

Stop, you’re making a spectacle.

Went to a new optometrist today, but he was way too narcissistic.

Don’t know what I expected from an “I” expert.

I think my optometrist is evil. When I went for an appointment he came out to the waiting room and shouted:

You'll see! You'll all see!

What do you call an optometrist on a boat?

A see captain

My best friend used to be an optometrist,

he fell into a lens grinder and made a spectacle of himself.

Optometrists always live long lives

It's because they dilate

What did the optometrist say when he walked into another doctor's prostate exam

How many fingers is he holding up?

You ever been to an optimistic optometrist?

They’ll tell you that your glasses are half full.

What is a Chinese Optometrist’s favorite car?

Cadillac

I'm so glad I stumbled across that optometrist's webpage...

...it was a site for sore eyes.

Did u know 70% of Chinese optometrists have cataracts

The other 30 drive Rincolns

What’s an optometrist’s favourite terrorist group?

Iris

I think my optometrist is in love with me.

Every time I leave his office he hands me a bottle of contact solution and says "Eye care for you"

A couple getting married are standing at the altar saying their vows...

"Do you, Linda, take David the optometrist for better or worse. Better.... Or worse? Better.... Or worse?"

My optometrist likes to make eye puns

they keep getting cornea and cornea

What’d the Australian optometrist say to his 20/20 patient?

“Good eye might”

What do you call a Muslim optometrist who has no regards for his patients?

Asif Eyecare

I was at the optometrist's office yesterday. I asked if we could pause the test because I really needed to go to the bathroom.

He asked, "Number one or number two?".

An optometrist asks a woman out on a date

I have a couple of ideas:

1: Dinner
2: Movies

1 or 2? 1.. 2..? 1..... or 2?

A patient goes to a new optometrist.

“What seems to be the problem?”

“Well something is wrong with my left eye. It doesn’t seem right.”

“Well that’s because it’s your left. Any other questions?”

An Opthalmologist, an Optometrist, and an Optician walk into a bar...

nobody on reddit could see the difference

What do you call an Eskimo optometrist?

...An optical Aleutian.





I actually made this one up.
But if someone else said it first, I wouldn't be surprised.

The optometrist told me I had Gary Larson disease

I'm farsided

A man goes to his optometrist...

He complains, "Doc, I can't see things far away. What can you do to help?" The optometrist says "Follow me." and heads outside.

He points to the sun and asks the man, "Can you tell me what you see there?" The man replies, "That's the sun, of course!"

The optometrist then says, "How mu...

A doctor, a priest and an engineer go golfing...

After only a few rounds, they get caught behind the worst group of golfers they've ever seen. After growing impatient from waiting for them to finish their holes, they go into the clubhouse to complain.

"Let me explain," says the manager. "You see, those men all used to be firefighters, s...

(From Grandpa RIP) A Chinaman walks into an optometrist’s office. The optometrist says, “Well it seems like you have a cataract.”

The chinaman says “Nooooo, I drive a Rincoln Continental”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Asian man walks into an optometrist's office

AFter testing the mans vision the doctor says to him
"Sir i belive you have a cataract"
"Nonsense" the man says "I drive a Rincoln"

A chinaman goes to see his optometrist

A chinaman goes to see his optometrist and the doctor says, "Well sir, I think I see you're problem, you seem to have a cataract." The patient replies, "No, you're wrong, I drive a Rincoln Continentu."

"Doctor, doctor, I keep seeing green spots." "Have you seen an optometrist?"

"No, just green spots."

Did you hear about the Optometrist who helps police solve crimes?

He's a Private I

My polish friend went to the Optometrist the other day.

The Dr. Asked him to read the 6th line down. The letters were "GOLVIJKSTRL". My friend said "Read it? I know the guy!"...

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A man walks into his optometrist's office...

The optometrist says to him, "Sorry Steve, but you have to stop masturbating."

Steve says, "I knew it. I'm going blind aren't I? I overdid it."

The optometrist says, "You're not going blind, Steve, you're just freaking out everyone in the waiting room."

Where does a transformer get his glasses from?

Optometrist Prime

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A joke I made up that's funny only when you look back at it.

This guy shows up to his optometrist and says "I have a weird problem",



The Optometrists replies, "What seems to be the trouble?"



The guys says, "Everything's blurry. My vision is horrible!"



"That's pretty common", the Optometrist replies. "We can certai...

A friend showed me a photo of his wife.

“Isn’t she stunning?” He said.

“You should see my wife,” I replied.

“What, is she stunning, too?” He asked.

I said: “No, she’s an optometrist.”

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2 Guys Were Sitting On The Train

When one guy pulls out his phone and shows a picture of his girlfriend and says to the other guy “hey man check out my gf, isn’t she beautiful?”

The second man, somewhat confused at why this guy is showing him a photo of his girlfriend replies “Wow if you think she’s beautiful you should see...

Why did the man decide to go to the optometrist before trying ecstasy since he wasn't planning on going to the beach?

Eye before E except after Sea.

I went to the Optometrists to buy some glasses the other day, you'll never guess who I ran into...

Everyone.

How does an optometrist make love?

Better like this ... or better like this?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend's boyfriend is an optometrist and a sadomasochist.

She says he's a real sight for sore eyes even though he can be a pain in the ass.

I went to the optometrist the other day and he told me I was colourblind...

It came right out of the purple

The pessimist says the glass is half empty.

The optometrist says you need new glasses.

An optometrist was preparing an arranged marriage...

An optometrist was preparing an arranged marriage for his 18 year old daughter and needed to find a suitable husband. His daughter was extremely beautiful and has had many men across the world ask for her hand in marriage and her father began seeing which of these men would suit her. After searching...

I used to work as an optometrist

It was a real eye-opening experience

What do you call a vegetable optometrist?

A sea cucumber.

Why should optometrists never tell jokes?

Because they're too cornea.

A stressed Referee goes to a psychologist

He breaks down in front of the doctor, complaining about feeling depressed, and loathed, always disappointing somebody no matter what he does. The doctor is highly sympathetic, and offers comfort - "It must be so hard, I'm glad you came to me. I can help" The doctor starts writing something on a pie...

A Ukrainian guy goes to the eye doctor.

The bottom line of the eye chart has the letters:

C Z Y N Q S T A S Z.

The Optometrist asks, "Can you read this?"

"Read it?" the guy replies, "I know the guy!"

I took a Color blind test...

Damn optometrist thinks I didn’t realize she showed a bunch of green circles without numbers

My wife went to the doctor

As she laid on the table naked, she had to tell the Optometrist "My eyes are up here!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My ex-girlfriend said I’m unattractive, when I look the same as when we dated.

I’ve determined that this could be due to one of three possibilities.
1. She’s lying to bum me out.
2. She willingly dates people she doesn’t find attractive.
3. She got a new optometrist.

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