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Optometrist Jokes

A snake goes in to see the optometrist because his eyesight is failing.

“It’s actually affecting my life. I can’t hunt anymore because I can’t see.”



The doctor fits the snake for glasses and the snake immediately notices an improvement in his eyesight. A week later, the doctor calls the snake to check how the glasses are holding up.



“They’r...

Why did the cell phone go see an optometrist?

It needed contacts.

Guess who I bumped into on my way to the optometrist

Everyone

I broke up with my girlfriend, who is an Optometrist

She's a great lady, has a lot of my same interests, and is really a kind person. She's just really irritating in bed.

She's always saying, "So do like it better like this... or like this?"

I asked my optometrist if I could see my eye test results.

Probably not, he said.

Did you know optometrists don't have funerals?

They have *viewings.*
.

[I am *way* too proud and tickled for coming up with this one.]

How many Optometrists does it take to change a light bulb?

One.... or two.

Optometrist

After several months of “gentle encouragement” from my partner, I finally went to see the eye doctor.

First she did a pressure test, blowing a puff of air into each eye and carefully observing my responses on a monitor.
Then she examined each eye with the little hand-held lights.

Th...

Why do optometrists live so long?

Because they dilate.

what did the optometrist say to the tiny Australian insect?

"good eye, mite"

I asked the optometrist if I could use the bathroom.

“Number one, or number two?”

What's ironic about being late to your Optometrist appointment?

They can't see you.

Went to the optometrist office today and bumped into an old friend!

I also bumped into the optometrist, the receptionist, and I knocked over their sunglasses display.

Guy walks in to an optometrist office and sais "Eye-Doctor"?...

Doctor sais, "oh what a coincidence,
I doctor too"

The Czech at the optometrist

The optometrist shows him the usual table, you know the kind, with the C Z R N H K...

"Can you read this?"

"Read? This moocher still owes me 50 bucks!"

I wouldn’t want to work as an optometrist

They have to make eye contacts

So I heard there's a group of optometrists who founded a colony on an archipelago off the coast of Alaska, but the islands themselves are very weird to look at.

They're called the Optical Aleutians.

A blonde walks into a blind date

“Nice to meet you” she says to her date as they seat themselves in the booth

“So tell me about yourself. What do you do for work?” She asks the man

“Oh I’m an optometrist” he replies

The blonde flashes a big smile and says “I think this is going to work out after all, I’m a gl...

A Polish man goes to the optometrists for an eye test.

The optometrist had his eye chart on the wall with several lines of scrambled letters of various type size. The optometrist points to a line of medium size letters and says,"Can you read this line?" The Polish man says, "Read it! Hell yeah, I know the guy!"

I visited the optometrist yesterday

It was an eye opening experience.

A man goes to his optometrist...

He complains, "Doc, I can't see things far away. What can you do to help?" The optometrist says "Follow me." and heads outside.

He points to the sun and asks the man, "Can you tell me what you see there?" The man replies, "That's the sun, of course!"

The optometrist then says, "How mu...

I asked my optometrist why he was starting to look like an eyeglass?

And he said it was in order to make a spectacle of himself.

What did the optometrist prescribe the star?

Sun Glasses - I'll show myself out

Jeffery Dahmer visits his optometrist.

Doc says, ”you should never rub your eyes”.

Jeffrey contemplates.

Did you hear of the optometrist that fell into the lens grinder?

He made a spectacle of himself. (Old joke)

I once saw a grand opening of an optometrist office

It was quite the spectacle.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Czech at the optometrist

He gets to look at the familiar board with the letters and is asked "Can you read this?"

"Read it? That bastard still owes me money!"

What did the evil optometrist say to the near sighted convention?

”You will see! You will ALL see!!!”

What do you call a Muslim optometrist who has no regards for his patients?

Asif Eyecare

I'm so glad I stumbled across that optometrist's webpage...

...it was a site for sore eyes.

What do you call an Eskimo optometrist?

...An optical Aleutian.





I actually made this one up.
But if someone else said it first, I wouldn't be surprised.

My optometrist likes to make eye puns

they keep getting cornea and cornea

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Japanese man goes to the optometrist..

Optometrist gives him an examination and says “You have a cataract.”

Japanese man says “No, I drive a rincoln continentrr.”

John Cena walks into an Optometrist

Optometrist: Okay Mr. Cena, please read the top letter for me.

John Cena: U

Optometrist: Great! And the 2nd line.

John Cena: I can’t

Optometrist: So, you can’t see M E?

Why did the optometrist set his clock to military time?

To see 20:20

I think my optometrist is evil. When I went for an appointment he came out to the waiting room and shouted:

You'll see! You'll all see!

What do you call an optometrist on a boat?

A see captain

A patient walks into an optometrist's office.

The optometrist starts the eye exam and casually asks her if there's any particular reason she came in for a checkup.

"Doctor, I think am having hallucinations. Every time I open my eyes, I see really dark things. Evil. Malice. Hatred. Plague. I am seeing the worst in everything. Nothing look...

A Polish man goes to an optometrist.

He takes a seat. The optometrist shows him a sign that says:

SZCZPWSZRBWPWZTC
ZRTCWYBLSMSZTCZ

The optometrist asks, "Can you read the letters?"

The Polish man replies "Of course, I even know the guy!"

I think my optometrist is in love with me.

Every time I leave his office he hands me a bottle of contact solution and says "Eye care for you"

An optometrist asks a woman out on a date

I have a couple of ideas:

1: Dinner
2: Movies

1 or 2? 1.. 2..? 1..... or 2?

What did the wife tell the optometrist?

Stop, you’re making a spectacle.

A Polish man goes into the optometrist to get new glasses.

The optometrist holds up an eye chart and asks "What do you make of this?" The man responds, "I went to school with that guy."

What’s an optometrist’s favourite terrorist group?

Iris

Went to a new optometrist today, but he was way too narcissistic.

Don’t know what I expected from an “I” expert.

The optometrist said I have 2020 vision

Meaning it's all f*cked up and only getting worse.

"Doctor, doctor, I keep seeing green spots." "Have you seen an optometrist?"

"No, just green spots."

My optometrist told me I have bad vision

I don't see the problem

A patient goes to a new optometrist.

“What seems to be the problem?”

“Well something is wrong with my left eye. It doesn’t seem right.”

“Well that’s because it’s your left. Any other questions?”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into an optometrist's office carrying a violin case

"I'd like to see the optometrist, please," he says to the receptionist.

"I can certainly help you with that," says the receptionist. "What's the reason for your visit?"

Proudly, the man places the violin case on the desk, and opens it. Inside - unbent, unbroken, and filling the case fr...

So I stopped by the optometrist yesterday, for an eye examine

He told me, my eyesight was so bad, 20/20 might be the only responsible way to describe it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did Hitler go to the Optometrist ?

Because he could Nazi

[Long] An old man with a broken glasses went to see an Optometrist

He bring a newspaper with him and said that he can't read.

So the optometrist checked his eyes and give him a generic reading glasses.

"Can you read now?" Asked the optometrist.

"Nope. I can't read." Said the old man promptly.

Confused the optometrist go look for differ...

I was at the optometrist's office yesterday. I asked if we could pause the test because I really needed to go to the bathroom.

He asked, "Number one or number two?".

An Opthalmologist, an Optometrist, and an Optician walk into a bar...

nobody on reddit could see the difference

A man sitting next to me on the bus today showed me a picture of his wife.

He says to me "Isn't she beautiful"?

I replied to him "If you think she's pretty, you should see my wife"

He then asked "Oh, is your wife beautiful too"?, to which I replied "No, she's an optometrist".

Did you hear about the Optometrist who helps police solve crimes?

He's a Private I

Mr Wong goes to the optometrist...

The optometrist says to him "I'm sorry, Mr Wong, I'm afraid I have some bad news: you have a cataract."

Mr Wong says confidently "No! I drive Rincoln Continentar!"

Did u know 70% of Chinese optometrists have cataracts

The other 30 drive Rincolns

It's half a year left before all the optometrists go out of business!

Because everyone will have 2020 vision!

An optometrist was preparing an arranged marriage...

An optometrist was preparing an arranged marriage for his 18 year old daughter and needed to find a suitable husband. His daughter was extremely beautiful and has had many men across the world ask for her hand in marriage and her father began seeing which of these men would suit her. After searching...

I went to the Optometrists to buy some glasses the other day, you'll never guess who I ran into...

Everyone.

The optometrist told me I had Gary Larson disease

I'm farsided

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into his optometrist's office...

The optometrist says to him, "Sorry Steve, but you have to stop masturbating."

Steve says, "I knew it. I'm going blind aren't I? I overdid it."

The optometrist says, "You're not going blind, Steve, you're just freaking out everyone in the waiting room."

Why don't optometrists do drugs?

They're always contact high.

I went to the optometrist the other day and he told me I was colourblind...

It came right out of the purple

An optimist says, “the glass is half full.” A pessimist says, “the glass is half empty.”

An optometrist says, “you both need glasses.”

The guy sat next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?"

I said, "If you think she's beautiful, you should see my wife!

He said, "Why? Is she super-hot too?

I said, "No, she's an optometrist!"

I asked my dad what he was planning to do today.

He said he was going to the optometrist to pick up his new prescription then he'd see.

I used to work as an optometrist

It was a real eye-opening experience

Why did the man decide to go to the optometrist before trying ecstasy since he wasn't planning on going to the beach?

Eye before E except after Sea.

An Asian goes to the optometrist...

The optometrist says, after a moment or two: "I see what the problem is...you have a cataract."
The Asian immediately replies: "no no, it's a Rincon Continental."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Asian man walks into an optometrist's office

AFter testing the mans vision the doctor says to him
"Sir i belive you have a cataract"
"Nonsense" the man says "I drive a Rincoln"

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