Had to drive my girlfriend to the optometrist because she was having issues with her vision

Turns out she was seeing other people

A snake goes in to see the optometrist because his eyesight is failing.

“It’s actually affecting my life. I can’t hunt anymore because I can’t see.”



The doctor fits the snake for glasses and the snake immediately notices an improvement in his eyesight. A week later, the doctor calls the snake to check how the glasses are holding up.



“They’r...

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I went to the optometrists office and the doctor said "my god sir you have to stop masturbating"

I said: Why doc am I going blind?"

He said: no, but you're upsetting my other patients!

A doctor, a priest and an engineer go golfing...

After only a few rounds, they get caught behind the worst group of golfers they've ever seen. After growing impatient from waiting for them to finish their holes, they go into the clubhouse to complain.

"Let me explain," says the manager. "You see, those men all used to be firefighters, s...

Optometrists always live long lives

It's because they dilate

What does the evil optometrist say?

"you'll see. You'll all see! Muahahahaha!"

It's half a year left before all the optometrists go out of business!

Because everyone will have 2020 vision!

I needed to go to the optometrist the other day, guess who I bumped into?

Everyone

You ever been to an optimistic optometrist?

They’ll tell you that your glasses are half full.

This fellow walks by an optometrist's shop.

Displayed in the storefront is a gigantic pair of sunglasses accompanied by a sign, "Nudie Sunglasses!" The chap is intrigued, goes inside and asks the optometrist about them. The optometrist says, "Try them on and see for yourself."

The guy tries on the giant sunglasses, looks at the optomet...

What did the wife tell the optometrist?

Stop, you’re making a spectacle.

How many optometrists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

1 or 2?

1? or 2?

My optometrist told me I have bad vision

I don't see the problem

I love my optometrist

He’s a true visionary.

Why did the cell phone go see an optometrist?

It needed contacts.

What did the optometrist say when he walked into another doctor's prostate exam

How many fingers is he holding up?

What’s an optometrist’s favourite terrorist group?

Iris

What’d the Australian optometrist say to his 20/20 patient?

“Good eye might”

I'm so glad I stumbled across that optometrist's webpage...

...it was a site for sore eyes.

Why did the man decide to go to the optometrist before trying ecstasy since he wasn't planning on going to the beach?

Eye before E except after Sea.

A patient goes to a new optometrist.

“What seems to be the problem?”

“Well something is wrong with my left eye. It doesn’t seem right.”

“Well that’s because it’s your left. Any other questions?”

I think my optometrist is in love with me.

Every time I leave his office he hands me a bottle of contact solution and says "Eye care for you"

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An Asian man walks into an optometrist's office

AFter testing the mans vision the doctor says to him
"Sir i belive you have a cataract"
"Nonsense" the man says "I drive a Rincoln"

(From Grandpa RIP) A Chinaman walks into an optometrist’s office. The optometrist says, “Well it seems like you have a cataract.”

The chinaman says “Nooooo, I drive a Rincoln Continental”

I was at the optometrist's office yesterday. I asked if we could pause the test because I really needed to go to the bathroom.

He asked, "Number one or number two?".

What do you call a Muslim optometrist who has no regards for his patients?

Asif Eyecare

An optometrist asks a woman out on a date

I have a couple of ideas:

1: Dinner
2: Movies

1 or 2? 1.. 2..? 1..... or 2?

Did you hear about the Optometrist who helps police solve crimes?

He's a Private I

A chinaman goes to see his optometrist

A chinaman goes to see his optometrist and the doctor says, "Well sir, I think I see you're problem, you seem to have a cataract." The patient replies, "No, you're wrong, I drive a Rincoln Continentu."

As my mother got older, her vision got worse so her optometrist prescribed her progressive lenses...

Now she can't see race.

An Opthalmologist, an Optometrist, and an Optician walk into a bar...

nobody on reddit could see the difference

I broke up with my girlfriend, who is an Optometrist

She meant well, but she was just too annoying in bed. She was always saying, "So, do you like it better like this.... or like this?"

Why don't optometrists do drugs?

They're always contact high.

My optometrist likes to make eye puns

they keep getting cornea and cornea

An optometrist was preparing an arranged marriage...

An optometrist was preparing an arranged marriage for his 18 year old daughter and needed to find a suitable husband. His daughter was extremely beautiful and has had many men across the world ask for her hand in marriage and her father began seeing which of these men would suit her. After searching...

"Doctor, doctor, I keep seeing green spots." "Have you seen an optometrist?"

"No, just green spots."

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A man walks into his optometrist's office...

The optometrist says to him, "Sorry Steve, but you have to stop masturbating."

Steve says, "I knew it. I'm going blind aren't I? I overdid it."

The optometrist says, "You're not going blind, Steve, you're just freaking out everyone in the waiting room."

I used to work as an optometrist

It was a real eye-opening experience

The optometrist told me I had Gary Larson disease

I'm farsided

My friend's boyfriend is an optometrist and a sadomasochist.

She says he's a real sight for sore eyes even though he can be a pain in the ass.

How does an optometrist make love?

Better like this ... or better like this?

What do you call a vegetable optometrist?

A sea cucumber.

What do you call an Eskimo optometrist?

...An optical Aleutian.





I actually made this one up.
But if someone else said it first, I wouldn't be surprised.

I went to the Optometrists to buy some glasses the other day, you'll never guess who I ran into...

Everyone.

A man goes to his optometrist...

He complains, "Doc, I can't see things far away. What can you do to help?" The optometrist says "Follow me." and heads outside.

He points to the sun and asks the man, "Can you tell me what you see there?" The man replies, "That's the sun, of course!"

The optometrist then says, "How mu...

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Why did Hitler visit the optometrist so much?

cause he could nazi

A friend showed me a photo of his wife.

“Isn’t she stunning?” He said.

“You should see my wife,” I replied.

“What, is she stunning, too?” He asked.

I said: “No, she’s an optometrist.”

What do you call a Transformer that's also an optometrist?

Oculus Prime.

I should have gone to see the optometrist

I can't anymore

Why should optometrists never tell jokes?

Because they're too cornea.

Eye doctor...

A world famous painter is diagnosed with a serious eye disease and is sure to lose his sight. He goes to a local eye doctor in desperation and after giving it some thought, he is able to reverse the disease and cure the man.

In gratitude, the painter goes to work painting a large rendition o...

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My ex-girlfriend said I’m unattractive, when I look the same as when we dated.

I’ve determined that this could be due to one of three possibilities.
1. She’s lying to bum me out.
2. She willingly dates people she doesn’t find attractive.
3. She got a new optometrist.

2 Guys Were Sitting On The Train

When one guy pulls out his phone and shows a picture of his girlfriend and says to the other guy “hey man check out my gf, isn’t she beautiful?”

The second man, somewhat confused at why this guy is showing him a photo of his girlfriend replies “Wow if you think she’s beautiful you should see...

A stressed Referee goes to a psychologist

He breaks down in front of the doctor, complaining about feeling depressed, and loathed, always disappointing somebody no matter what he does. The doctor is highly sympathetic, and offers comfort - "It must be so hard, I'm glad you came to me. I can help" The doctor starts writing something on a pie...

I went to the optometrist the other day and he told me I was colourblind...

It came right out of the purple

I bumped into an old school friend at the store today.

I bumped into an old school friend at the store today. He started showing off, talking about his well-paid job and expensive sports cars.
Then he pulled out his phone and showed me a photo of his wife and said, “She’s beautiful, isn’t she?”
I said, “If you think she’s gorgeous, you should see ...

My wife went to the doctor

As she laid on the table naked, she had to tell the Optometrist "My eyes are up here!"

Doc: "Is this better, or is this better?"

Patient: "They're both terrible..."
Doc: "OK, C.... or D?"
Patient: "Why does it even matter?"
Doc: "E... or F?"
Patient: "Who cares... Everything is awful..."
Doc: "Okay sir, you're going to have to leave."
Patient: "Whatever"

And that, my friends, illustrates t...

The other day I went to get my eyes tested.

I am quite an anxious person and thought I would try to crack a joke to break the awkward silence.


'Would you like to hear a joke?' I asked


The optometrist replied 'Sure! The cornea the better.'

I took a Color blind test...

Damn optometrist thinks I didn’t realize she showed a bunch of green circles without numbers

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went to get an eye exam...

The optometrist told me to stop masterbating.

I asked, “Why, does it really cause blindness?”

He said, “No, it’s just really an unprofessional thing to be doing right now. “

A Polish man goes to the eye doctor...

A Polish man goes to the eye doctor. The bottom line of the eye chart has the letters:

C Z Y N Q S T A S Z

The Optometrist asks „Can you read this?”

„Read it?”, the Pole replies, „I know the guy!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I saw 2 guys wearing matching clothing and asked if they were gay

Turns out he was just my optometrist

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A butt goes to an eyeglasses place.

He waits in line until the optometrist finally steps out and says "Sir, I will not be giving you an exam."

The butt is outraged: "Why not?!"

"Because hind-sight is always 20/20."

I made this joke up when I was falling asleep!

What do you call a blind optometrist?

"Eye-rony" !!!!

An old Chinese lady goes to see the eye doctor...

The optometrist gives her the regular eye exam then proceeds to do a few more tests because of her advanced age. After peering through one of his instruments into her eyes, he says "Well ma'am, I'm sorry to tell you this, but you've got cataracts." To which the Chinese woman replied, "No cataracts, ...

Engineering

A doctor, a priest, and an engineer are out golfing one day. To their dismay, they are stuck behind a very very slow threesome of men who cannot hit the ball in the right direction no matter what they do. The doctor flags over the course owner and asks him why these guys are so terrible, and if it w...

A pessimist sees the glass half empty

An optometrist sees the glass in focus.

Asian eye problems

So a Chinese man is having trouble with one of his eyes and goes to see the optometrist. When the testing is over, the optometrist tells the man, "I'm sorry, you have a cataract" in which the Chinese man replies "No I dont! I have a rinkoln continental!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

At The Eye Doctor's

A woman went to her optometrist for an exam. The doctor turned the exam chart on the wall and asked her to read it. she replied that she couldn’t see anything. He increased the size to 6″ and asked her to try again. Still nothing.

So he enlarged it again to a foot. Still cant see it. out of f...

Did you hear about...

...the optometrist who fell in his lens grinder?

He made a spectacle of himself.

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