UPJOKE
medicophysiciandoctordocgpharveysurgeonveterinarianrossveterinaryspecialistmansonjennergilbertinternist

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I eat p***y like I smoke cigarettes…

All the way to the butt.

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MD Visit



A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a Gynecologist.

The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window.

He immediately told her to undress, and after she had disrobed, the doctor

began to stroke her thigh.



Doing so, ...

Who is smarter, a robot maid or a robot MD?

A robot maid, because she's got her AI.

I accidentally typed my symptoms into IMDB instead of WebMD

and found out I have Gary Busey

Got sick so I typed my symptoms into WebMD

Was told I may have connectivity issues

WebMD is updating its server

WebMD is updating its server because of a virus. Well, they think it was a virus, but it could also be malaria, kidney failure, cardiovascular diseases, dengue, or worst final stage of cancer with -30 days to live.

I was trying to self diagnose my skin condition by using WebMD...

...then I thought, without professional advice its best not to make any rash decisions.

Doctor twin visits pastor twin

A couple has identical twin sons.

After they finish school, they go to separate cities for university: one studies medicine and eventually gets his MD degree; the other decides to become a man of the cloth and gets his DD (Doctor of Divinity).

The doctor settles down near the city wher...

WebMD has integrated Google's Deepmind.

On startup it performed a self diagnostic test.

Turns out, it's cancer.

WebMD just released the entire catalog of human diseases...

* cancer
* flu

Seven wise men, with knowledge so fine, made something special of their design.

The first was a butcher, all full of wit. With some meat and a knife, he made a small slit.

The second, a blacksmith, quite strong and quite bold, hit the slit with a hammer and made a hole.

The third was a tailor, quite tall and quite thin. With a piece of red ribbon, he lined it with...

Agency: "Sir, we found 3 candidates as per your requirements.

How do you want their placements, sir?"

MD: "Put about 100 bricks in a closed room. Then send the candidates into the room and close the door, leave them alone and come back after a few hours and analyse the situation:

1. If they are counting the bricks, put them in Accounts departmen...

A local law enforcement officer stops a car

for traveling faster than the speed limit. Since he was in a good mood that day, he decides to give the poor guy a break and give him a warning instead of a ticket. So, he asks the man his name.

“Fred,” he replies.

“Fred what?” the officer asks.

“Just Fred,” the man responds....

How is looking up your symptoms on WebMD like your July Horoscope?

It's probably cancer.

What does WebMD have in common with the rest of the internet?

They think everything is cancer.

Have you heard about the new Web MD zodiac?

All the signs say Cancer.

Where do spiders seek health advice

WebMD

My doctor’s name is Peter Parker

But I just call him Web MD

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Me: i have a headache

**WebMD:** you're fucked.

A guy calls the doctor after reading WebMD all night...

He says, "Doc, I think I might be a hypochondriac."

EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy

WEB MD: Cancer.

So you’ve got a green beret, a Navy Seal, and a sister from Brooklyn

A general is recruiting for a team of his. The general hands each of them a gun and says your spouse is seated next door, in a room, in a chair. In order to pass this test you must go inside and kill them.

Immediately the green beret says ‘No sir, I could never kill my wife. I just can't do i...

A doctor who was proud of his degrees...

always had them hanging in his office. His BS in Biology, PhD in Microbiology, and his MD were framed and hung behind him.

One day his clinic caught fire and he was caught inside the burning building. They were finally able to pull his unconscious body from the rubble and rushed him to the em...

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Fred

A biker was blazing down the freeway and was pulled over by a cop. The cop came up to the biker and pulled out his ticket pad.

He asked the biker, "What's your name?"

The biker replies, "Fred."

The cop asks again, No, what's your full name?"

The biker again says, "Fred."<...

Did you know it’s a requirement for MIT doctorates program to know how to make Ecstasy?

They need it so they can get their MD in MA.

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Working Jim

One day, Jim goes to work.

First thing when he walks through the door, the receptionist says "Wow Jim, you look awful. You feeling okay?" Jim replies the he feels good and keeps going.

He gets to the factory floor and his line neighbor also comments how bad he looks, but again Jim say...

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Talking Dog for Sale

A guy is driving around the back woods and he sees a sign in front of a broken down, shanty-style house: Talking Dog For Sale. He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting th...

What does Spider-Man do after he gets hurt?

He checks Web MD

His palms are sweaty...

His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There's vomit on his sweater already.

WebMD: *TYPHOID FEVER*

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Medical Humor

1...A man comes into the ER and yells . . .'
My wife's going to have her baby in the cab.'
I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab,
lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear.
Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - - - and I was in the wrong one.
...

Funniest Doctor Joke I've read in years (supposedly true):

As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB-GYN,

I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams...
To cover my embarrassment
I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.

The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam
suddenly burst out...

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