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Lobster Jokes

A drunk man hails a taxi. When the cab pulls over, the drunk sticks his head in the passenger side window and asks the driver, "Have you got room here for a whole lobster and three bottles of wine?" "Sure." replies the driver.

"Fantastic!" and throws up on the passenger seat.

A man walked into a seafood restaurant and asked for a lobster tail.

The waitress smiled sweetly and said - "Once upon a time, there was this handsome lobster......"

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What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with boobs?

One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean!

What do you call a belt made out of lobsters?

A waist of good seafood

I know it’s bad but I heard it in a dream and had to share

I matched with a tinder profile that had no pics.

We chatted a bit. Smart and funny so i asked for a date. She said yes!

I'm not expecting much, probably 400lbs. But she answered the door, this little strawberry blomde with a head full of curls and all the right curves in all the right places. We exchanged our real names and i asked what sh...

Stopped by a roadside stand that said “lobster tails 2$”. I paid my 2$ and he said...

Unce upon a time there was a lobster...

A lobster trapper

In a small fishing village, a Newfoundlander was walking Up the wharf carrying two at-least-three-pound live lobsters, one in each hand.

It was three weeks after the season closed! Whom should he meet at the end of the wharf but the Federal Fisheries Officer who, upon viewing the live and wig...

Which one is the odd one out; a Crab, a Tuna, a Chinese man run over by a bus or a Lobster?

A tuna, because the rest of them are crustaceans.

Why didn't the lobster give his seat to the old lady on the bus?

Because he was shellfish.

While walking down the street one day, a senator is tragically hit by a truck and killed.

His soul arrives in Heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.


"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."


"No problem, just let ...

Lobster Tails

A man was driving through town with his windows down when he heard a man at a small roadside stand yelling, "Lobster tails! Get your lobster tails here only two dollars!"

The man hit his brakes and pulled over. He walked up to the salesman thinking this must be too good to be true.

"Ar...

A man and his wife went out fishing for lobster

After several hours, they had not caught anything.

As the weather turned bad, a major wave struck the boat and washed the wife overboard. The man searched and searched for her but could not see his wife anywhere.

So the man immediately turned towards shore and tried to flag down the C...

A man is caught fishing illegally for lobsters.

A man is caught fishing illegally for lobsters.

He has two in his boat when the police approach him.

The man claims he's not poaching them and they are his pet lobsters, he's just taking them for a swim.

"I let them play in the water for a few minutes but when I whistle they ...

Given the terms “crab”, “tuna”, “lobster”, and “Chinese guy caught in an avalanche of boulders”, which does not fit?

Ans: “tuna”. The other 3 are crushed asians.

What's different between Red Lobster and Facebook ?

At Red Lobster, the servers are responding.

A Newfie had caught two lobsters and was walking home along the coast ...

... when a cop drove by and saw him. The cop pulled over and stopped the man.

"Sir, are you aware it's not lobster season, and it's illegal to fish lobsters?"

"Me son," the Newfie said. "I didn't fish 'em. Deez lobsters are me pets."

"Sir, no one keeps lobsters as pets. I'll ha...

I went into a sandwich shop and saw a lobster. It looked happy, so I asked it why and it replied;

"I'm on a roll!"

A man walks into a seafood restaurant and was told they had Lobster Tails on offer for $1.

“They must be small," he says.

"No, they're normal size," replies the waitress.

"Well they're old then."

"Fresh today," she answers.

"Then I'll have one," says the man, smiling.

The waitress takes him to table and he sits down.

"Once upon a time,...

A joke I came up with that I told people in a dream this morning...

A ship belonging to a seafood company from Italy accidentally drops tons upon tons of live lobsters overboard off the coast of Maine. Upon hearing this news, a lobster-catcher from Maine down on his luck jumps on his boat to catch as many of the lobsters as he can and sell them before the Italian co...

What's worse than a lobster on your piano?

Crabs on your organ.

Did you hear about the lobster that got a job at pizza hut?

He's working in the crust station.

Larry Lobster and Sam Clam were best friends and they did everything together. The only difference between them was that Larry was the nicest lobster ever and Sam, well lets just say he was not so good...

Larry and Sam did so much together, that they even died together.

Larry went to Heaven and Sam went to Hell.

Larry was doing well in Heaven and one day St. Peter came up to him and said, "Larry, you know you are the nicest clam we ever had up here. Everyone likes you, but you seem to b...

If you bring lobster to class, you better share.

Or else it would be shellfish

I went to the beach yesterday and stopped at this stall with a sign that said "Lobster Tales $10".

I thought that was a good deal, so I gave the man the money and he said "Once upon a time there was a lobster..."

A guy asked a waiter "How do you prepare the lobster?"

and the waiter said, "We just flat out tell them that this is the end of the line."

What's the difference between a lobster and a Chinese man who's been run over by a bus?

One's a crustacean, the other's a crushed Asian.

A Lobster Walks Into a Bar

He goes up to the bartender and says: "Look, before you can serve me, I need to advise you that I'm a lawyer."

"Blimey... A lobster lawyer? That is impressive," says the bartender.

The Lobster puts his briefcase up on the bar, deftly opens it with his claws, and produces a document tha...

What do you call a lobster from China?

A crust-asian

Why does nobody like a lobster with a lisp?

They are way too shellfish.

Lobster tail and beer.

My 3 favorite things.

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The crab and the lobster

One there was a crab called David and a lobster called Lucy and they were very much in love.

One day, Lucy comes running to David, crying her eyes out.

“What’s the matter?” David asks.

“It’s my father, the King. He’s banned me from ever seeing you again!” cried Princess Lucy....

A newfie was walking up the wharf with a small lobster in each hand.

He was half way up to his truck when he saw a fishery officer approaching him.
"Ha we got ya now buddy, that's a $10000 fine in each hand!" exclaimed the officer.
"Naw these aint no ordinary lobsters b'y, dese are me pet lobsters!" George said calmly.
"I takes em for a dip here e'ry day ...

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The other day while scuba diving for seafood it dawned on me that everytime I saw a crab or lobster with a scrap of food, it was frantically seaching for a place to hide so it could eat alone. Then I thought to myself,

that's shellfish.

Two lobsters were in a tank.



The one said to the other, "It sure would be easier driving this thing without rubber bands on our claws."

Have you heard about the lobster that rode a sea mammal into battle?

He did it on Porpoise.

Did ya hear about the lobster that went to the party??

It pulled a mussel

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Just saw a guy buying all the crab, lobster, shrimp, and oysters from my local supermarket while others were left without any and I couldn't help but think..

...You shellfish bastard.

What did the tied up lobster fear more than boiling water?

Claw-Strophobia

I ate at Mary Poppin's Restaurant last night...

Super cauliflower cheese but the lobster was atrocious

I dated a woman who thought she was a lobster.

She was the most shellfish person I ever met.

You hear about the fight at red lobster?

Four fish were battered!

Few people know this, but the man in the famous Tiennaman Square photo was actually run over by a tank. While English-speaking people generally refer to him as the "Tank Man," in Chinese he's known as "Lobster"...

Because he was a crushed Asian.

TIL that while little is known about the Tiananmen Square "Tank Man," many eyewitnesses claim that he was actually run over shortly after the famous footage was taken. Indeed, the Mandarin nickname for this folk hero is "The Lobster"...

...because he was a crushed Asian.

What Did Sean Connery Say When He Received A Free Order Of Lobster?

"Would you like a bite? I'm not feeling shellfish today."

Which of these three does not belong: (A) a lobster, (B) a flounder, or (C) a Korean man who has just been run over by a bus?

The answer is (B) a flounder.

The other two are crushedAsians.

Dad joke alert: why didn't the crab and lobster get along?

They were too shellfish.

Why was Sean Connery giving away his lobster costume?

He was trying to be a little less shellfish.

I was boiling a lobster, and it started screaming...

I felt bad, so I drove it to the woods and set it free.

I asked my girlfriend if they serve whales at red lobster.

That way next time we go we know if we can bring her mother.

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