I saw a roadside stand with a sign that said "Lobster Tails-$2". So I stopped in and paid my $2.

Then the proprietor says, "Once upon a time, there was this lobster..."

Irish Lobsters

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, a Claddaghduff, Ireland man answered his door to find a grim-faced Constable & one waiting in the front yard.

"We're sorry, Mr. O’Flynn, but we have some information about your dear wife, Maureen" said one of the officers.” ...

What's the difference between a lobster and a Chinese man who's been run over by a bus?

One's a crustacean, the other's a crushed Asian.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Whats the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with tits?

Ones a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.

If you bring lobster to class, you better share.

Or else it would be shellfish

What do you call a lobster from China?

A crust-asian

I dated a woman who thought she was a lobster.

She was the most shellfish person I ever met.

Have you heard about the lobster that rode a sea mammal into battle?

He did it on Porpoise.

What worse than a lobster on your piano?

Crabs on your organ..

A man is caught fishing illegally for lobsters.

A man is caught fishing illegally for lobsters.

He has two in his boat when the police approach him.

The man claims he's not poaching them and they are his pet lobsters, he's just taking them for a swim.

"I let them play in the water for a few minutes but when I whistle they ...

Why are lobsters bad at relationships?

Too shellfish.

Did ya hear about the lobster that went to the party??

It pulled a mussel

My wife was only thinking of herself when she spent all of our life savings on court fees to legally be considered a lobster.

She is lawfully shellfish.

I swiped right on a girl without a picture, and we matched.

So after a brief chat i went to go pick her up. I wasn't expecting much, probably 300 lbs with bad skin, but hey, I was so desperate it was this or join an incel chatroom.

I walked up to the door and lo and behold, 5'2", baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde hair, all the right curves in all the...

One night, a Boston police officer knocked on a woman's door.

"Ma'am", he said, removing his hat, "I'm here about your husband. We have bad and good news".

"Please, give me the bad news first", the woman replies.

The officer replied: "I'm sorry, but somone stabbed your husband, cut his skin off and threw his corpse in the harbor."

The woma...

A newfie was walking up the wharf with a small lobster in each hand.

He was half way up to his truck when he saw a fishery officer approaching him.
"Ha we got ya now buddy, that's a $10000 fine in each hand!" exclaimed the officer.
"Naw these aint no ordinary lobsters b'y, dese are me pet lobsters!" George said calmly.
"I takes em for a dip here e'ry day ...

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What's the difference between Korean women with large breasts and lobsters?

One group is Busty asians and the other is Crustaceans.

A Lobster Walks Into a Bar

He goes up to the bartender and says: "Look, before you can serve me, I need to advise you that I'm a lawyer."

"Blimey... A lobster lawyer? That is impressive," says the bartender.

The Lobster puts his briefcase up on the bar, deftly opens it with his claws, and produces a document tha...

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A man goes to a $5 prostitute

He finds out a few days later that he has crabs. Angry, he returns and confronts her.

The prostitute replies, “hey for $5 what did you expect? Lobster?”

You hear about the fight at red lobster?

Four fish were battered!

I wouldn't let Sean Connery play with my pet lobsters.

He called me a "Shellfish Basterd."

There are no hipster lobsters...

...In a Maine stream

Larry Lobster and Sam Clam where best friends.

They did everything together. The only difference between them is that Larry was the nicest Lobster ever and Sam, well lets just say he was not so good.

Larry and Sam did so much together that they even died together.

Larry went to heaven and Sam went to hell.

Larry was doing we...

What music does a lobster listen to?

Bisque-o

Hi everyone, if you know someone who has animals to give up for adoption, tell them to contact me before Christmas.

I'm interested in:
Turkeys, chickens, snappers, bream, lobsters, prawns and lobsters.
Thanks

Few people know this, but the man in the famous Tiennaman Square photo was actually run over by a tank. While English-speaking people generally refer to him as the "Tank Man," in Chinese he's known as "Lobster"...

Because he was a crushed Asian.

What did the tied up lobster fear more than boiling water?

Claw-Strophobia

Given the terms “crab”, “tuna”, “lobster”, and “Chinese guy caught in an avalanche of boulders”, which does not fit?

Ans: “tuna”. The other 3 are crushed asians.

TIL that while little is known about the Tiananmen Square "Tank Man," many eyewitnesses claim that he was actually run over shortly after the famous footage was taken. Indeed, the Mandarin nickname for this folk hero is "The Lobster"...

...because he was a crushed Asian.

Who brings presents to lobsters?

Santa Claws

What Did Sean Connery Say When He Received A Free Order Of Lobster?

"Would you like a bite? I'm not feeling shellfish today."

A man ordered lobster for dinner...

And when the waiter brought it to him, he complained, “Hey, this lobster has only one claw!”


The waiter said, “That lobster was in a fight.”


“Okay then,” replied the man, “Bring me the winner!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy wants to get laid

A guy is super horny and wants to get laid however he doesn't want to put much effort into it so he goes down to china town and looks for a hooker. He ends up finding this beautiful girl she said she would do anything oral, anal anything he wanted for just 5 Dollars. He takes her back to the hotel a...

I'm like a lobster,

You can always find me near the pot.

I had a favorite fish once.

She would come and visit me in the same spot each day when I was diving until suddenly she disappeared. I was devastated! I lobster! But luckily I flounder.

In a small fishing village, a fisherman was walking up the wharf carrying two - at least three-pound live lobsters - one in each hand....

It was three weeks after the season closed! Whom should he meet at the end of the wharf but the Federal Fisheries Officer who, upon viewing the live and wiggling lobsters, says: "Well me Laddie I got you this time - with two live lobsters three weeks after the season closed!"

The fisherman s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Teresa May dies...

Her soul arrives in heaven and she is met by St.Peter at the Pearly Gates. Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there's a problem: We seldom see a Conservative here and we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in; I'm a believer." says May. ...

I went to a Mary Poppins themed restaurant last night..

Super cauliflower cheese, but the lobster was atrocious!

In which part of the bread factory do lobsters work?

The crust station.

I was boiling a lobster, and it started screaming...

I felt bad, so I drove it to the woods and set it free.

Why was Sean Connery giving away his lobster costume?

He was trying to be a little less shellfish.

Which one is the odd one out; a Crab, a Tuna, a Chinese man run over by a bus or a Lobster?

A tuna, because the rest of them are crustaceans.

What do you call a creature with the head of a seahorse, body of a lobster, the hind legs of an octopus, the front legs of a penguin, and claws?

A crabomination

A girl lobster meets a crab boy...

...they quickly hit it off and start dating. Unfortunately, the girl lobsters father is dead set against interspecies relationships and tells his daughter "If you keep seeing that crab boy, I'm cutting you off, no daughter of mine will be with a 'sideways walker', I will not stand for it." Upset, ...

Dad joke alert: why didn't the crab and lobster get along?

They were too shellfish.

I asked my girlfriend if they serve whales at red lobster.

That way next time we go we know if we can bring her mother.

What's a lobster's favorite part of a build-your-own-pizza bar?

The crust station.

An HR manager was knocked down (tragically) by a bus and was killed. Her soul arrived at the Pearly Gates, where St.Peter welcomed her.

“Before you get settled in” he said, “We have a little problem…you see, we’ve never had a HR manager make it this far before and we’re not really sure what to do with you.”

“Oh, I see,” said the woman, “can’t you just let me in?”

“Well, I’d like to,” said St Peter, “But I have higher o...

Lobsters are greedy. They never give anything to charity. They're just shellfish.

But that's being too hard on them. Not everyone can afford to be a philanthropod.

Which of these three does not belong: (A) a lobster, (B) a flounder, or (C) a Korean man who has just been run over by a bus?

The answer is (B) a flounder.

The other two are crushedAsians.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man visits a lady of the night, she only wants 5 dollars.

The next day he wakes up, and realizes he has crabs. The man goes back to the prostitute and tells her “Hey, you gave me crabs”. She responds, “for 5 dollars did you expect Lobster?”

Sorry just watching the office for the first time.

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