Irish Lobsters

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, a Claddaghduff, Ireland man answered his door to find a grim-faced Constable & one waiting in the front yard.

"We're sorry, Mr. O’Flynn, but we have some information about your dear wife, Maureen" said one of the officers.” ...

What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?

One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean

A newfie was walking up the wharf with a small lobster in each hand.

He was half way up to his truck when he saw a fishery officer approaching him.
"Ha we got ya now buddy, that's a $10000 fine in each hand!" exclaimed the officer.
"Naw these aint no ordinary lobsters b'y, dese are me pet lobsters!" George said calmly.
"I takes em for a dip here e'ry day ...

Larry Lobster and Sam Clam where best friends.

They did everything together. The only difference between them is that Larry was the nicest Lobster ever and Sam, well lets just say he was not so good.

Larry and Sam did so much together that they even died together.

Larry went to heaven and Sam went to hell.

Larry was doing we...

If the salmon come in on the salmon boat and the lobsters come in on the lobster boat, what boat do the crabs come in on?

The captain's dinghy

I asked my girlfriend if they serve whales at red lobster.

That way next time we go we know if we can bring her mother.

TIL that while little is known about the Tiananmen Square "Tank Man," many eyewitnesses claim that he was actually run over shortly after the famous footage was taken. Indeed, the Mandarin nickname for this folk hero is "The Lobster"...

...because he was a crushed Asian.

There are no hipster lobsters...

...In a Maine stream

What do you call a Chinese lobster?

A Crust-asian

A man is caught fishing illegally for lobsters

He has two in his boat when the police approach him.

The man claims he's not poaching them and they are his pet lobsters, he's just taking them for a swim.

"I let them play in the water for a few minutes but when I whistle they come back to me."

So the police let him place the l...

Life is all about perspective

The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship's kitchen.

What's the difference between a lobster and a Chinese man who's been run over by a bus?

One's a crustacean, the other's a crushed Asian.

Who brings presents to lobsters?

Santa Claws

I was boiling a lobster, and it started screaming...

I felt bad, so I drove it to the woods and set it free.

Given the terms “crab”, “tuna”, “lobster”, and “Chinese guy caught in an avalanche of boulders”, which does not fit?

Ans: “tuna”. The other 3 are crushed asians.

There's only one thing worse than finding a lobster on your piano

Crabs on your organ

The chief of police knocks on a woman's door

"Ma'am", he says, removing his hat:

"we have bad and good news"

"bad news first" the woman replies.

"I'm sorry, but a serial killer attacked your husband, cut his skin off and threw his corpse in the harbor"

The woman begins crying. "so what's the good news?"

"When...

What Did Sean Connery Say When He Received A Free Order Of Lobster?

"Would you like a bite? I'm not feeling shellfish today."

What do you call a creature with the head of a seahorse, body of a lobster, the hind legs of an octopus, the front legs of a penguin, and claws?

A crabomination

Why was Sean Connery giving away his lobster costume?

He was trying to be a little less shellfish.

In which part of the bread factory do lobsters work?

The crust station.

Lobsters are greedy. They never give anything to charity. They're just shellfish.

But that's being too hard on them. Not everyone can afford to be a philanthropod.

What's the difference between a $62 and a $285,000 hooker?

You'll get crabs from the cheap one, and lobsters from the other.

What's a lobster's favorite part of a build-your-own-pizza bar?

The crust station.

What do you call a lobster with a nutcracker?

A castration crustacean.

A crab, a tuna, a lobster, and a Chinese man being run over by a steam roller. What doesn't belong?

The Tuna, since all of the others are crushedasians.

Dad joke alert: why didn't the crab and lobster get along?

They were too shellfish.

A girl lobster meets a crab boy...

...they quickly hit it off and start dating. Unfortunately, the girl lobsters father is dead set against interspecies relationships and tells his daughter "If you keep seeing that crab boy, I'm cutting you off, no daughter of mine will be with a 'sideways walker', I will not stand for it." Upset, ...

In a small fishing village, a fisherman was walking up the wharf carrying two - at least three-pound live lobsters - one in each hand....

It was three weeks after the season closed! Whom should he meet at the end of the wharf but the Federal Fisheries Officer who, upon viewing the live and wiggling lobsters, says: "Well me Laddie I got you this time - with two live lobsters three weeks after the season closed!"

The fisherman s...

Which of these three does not belong: (A) a lobster, (B) a flounder, or (C) a Korean man who has just been run over by a bus?

The answer is (B) a flounder.

The other two are crushedAsians.

$10 Complaint

A man goes to a $10 hooker and contracts crabs.

When he goes back to complain, the hooker laughs and says, "What do you expect for $10 -- lobster?"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A crab, a lobster, a dolphin...

and a Japanese dude run over by a truck. Which one doesn't match up?

[The dolphin. The other three are all crustaceans/crushed Asians](#s)

A guy goes to a $5 lady of the night...

... and he gets crabs. So the next day, he goes back to complain.

And the woman says, "Hey, it was only $5. What did you expect, lobster?"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Today needs to be Lobster or steak day...

Because this groundhog tastes like crap!

How do you get a lobster to care about others?

You can't. They're shellfish.

What did Sean Connery say to a couple of lobsters he saw take up an extra parking space?

"You're two shellfish."

While walking down the street a politician was tragically hit by a car and died.

His soul arrives in Heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. "Welcome to Heaven", says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem. Just let me in," says ...