I saw a roadside stand with a sign that said "Lobster Tails-$2". So I stopped in and paid my $2.

Then the proprietor says, "Once upon a time, there was this lobster..."

Irish Lobsters

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, a Claddaghduff, Ireland man answered his door to find a grim-faced Constable & one waiting in the front yard.

"We're sorry, Mr. O’Flynn, but we have some information about your dear wife, Maureen" said one of the officers.” ...

What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?

One’s a crusty bus station and one’s a busty crustacean

A man is caught fishing illegally for lobsters.

A man is caught fishing illegally for lobsters.

He has two in his boat when the police approach him.

The man claims he's not poaching them and they are his pet lobsters, he's just taking them for a swim.

"I let them play in the water for a few minutes but when I whistle they ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between Korean women with large breasts and lobsters?

One group is Busty asians and the other is Crustaceans.

Hi everyone, if you know someone who has animals to give up for adoption, tell them to contact me before Christmas.

I'm interested in:
Turkeys, chickens, snappers, bream, lobsters, prawns and lobsters.
Thanks

If you bring lobster to class, you better share.

Or else it would be shellfish

A man goes to a $10 hooker and contracts crabs.

When he goes back to complain, the hooker laughs and says, "What do you expect for $10 -- lobster?"

Did ya hear about the lobster that went to the party??

It pulled a mussel

You hear about the fight at red lobster?

Four fish were battered!

What's worse than lobsters on your piano?

Crabs on your organ.

A Lobster Walks Into a Bar

He goes up to the bartender and says: "Look, before you can serve me, I need to advise you that I'm a lawyer."

"Blimey... A lobster lawyer? That is impressive," says the bartender.

The Lobster puts his briefcase up on the bar, deftly opens it with his claws, and produces a document tha...

A newfie was walking up the wharf with a small lobster in each hand.

He was half way up to his truck when he saw a fishery officer approaching him.
"Ha we got ya now buddy, that's a $10000 fine in each hand!" exclaimed the officer.
"Naw these aint no ordinary lobsters b'y, dese are me pet lobsters!" George said calmly.
"I takes em for a dip here e'ry day ...

I wouldn't let Sean Connery play with my pet lobsters.

He called me a "Shellfish Basterd."

The chief of police knocks on a woman's door

"Ma'am", he says, removing his hat:

"we have bad and good news"

"bad news first" the woman replies.

"I'm sorry, but a serial killer attacked your husband, cut his skin off and threw his corpse in the harbor"

The woman begins crying. "so what's the good news?"

"When...

Few people know this, but the man in the famous Tiennaman Square photo was actually run over by a tank. While English-speaking people generally refer to him as the "Tank Man," in Chinese he's known as "Lobster"...

Because he was a crushed Asian.

There's only one thing worse than finding a lobster on your piano

Crabs on your organ

If the salmon come in on the salmon boat and the lobsters come in on the lobster boat, what boat do the crabs come in on?

The captain's dinghy

What do you call a Chinese lobster?

A Crust-Asian

There are no hipster lobsters...

...In a Maine stream

What did the tied up lobster fear more than boiling water?

Claw-Strophobia

TIL that while little is known about the Tiananmen Square "Tank Man," many eyewitnesses claim that he was actually run over shortly after the famous footage was taken. Indeed, the Mandarin nickname for this folk hero is "The Lobster"...

...because he was a crushed Asian.

Given the terms “crab”, “tuna”, “lobster”, and “Chinese guy caught in an avalanche of boulders”, which does not fit?

Ans: “tuna”. The other 3 are crushed asians.

Larry Lobster and Sam Clam where best friends.

They did everything together. The only difference between them is that Larry was the nicest Lobster ever and Sam, well lets just say he was not so good.

Larry and Sam did so much together that they even died together.

Larry went to heaven and Sam went to hell.

Larry was doing we...

Who brings presents to lobsters?

Santa Claws

I was boiling a lobster, and it started screaming...

I felt bad, so I drove it to the woods and set it free.

What Did Sean Connery Say When He Received A Free Order Of Lobster?

"Would you like a bite? I'm not feeling shellfish today."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Teresa May dies...

Her soul arrives in heaven and she is met by St.Peter at the Pearly Gates. Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there's a problem: We seldom see a Conservative here and we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in; I'm a believer." says May. ...

What do you call a creature with the head of a seahorse, body of a lobster, the hind legs of an octopus, the front legs of a penguin, and claws?

A crabomination

What's the difference between a lobster and a Chinese man who's been run over by a bus?

One's a crustacean, the other's a crushed Asian.

In a small fishing village, a fisherman was walking up the wharf carrying two - at least three-pound live lobsters - one in each hand....

It was three weeks after the season closed! Whom should he meet at the end of the wharf but the Federal Fisheries Officer who, upon viewing the live and wiggling lobsters, says: "Well me Laddie I got you this time - with two live lobsters three weeks after the season closed!"

The fisherman s...

Why was Sean Connery giving away his lobster costume?

He was trying to be a little less shellfish.

A crab, a tuna, a lobster, and a Chinese man being run over by a steam roller. What doesn't belong?

The Tuna, since all of the others are crushedasians.

I asked my girlfriend if they serve whales at red lobster.

That way next time we go we know if we can bring her mother.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man visits a lady of the night, she only wants 5 dollars.

The next day he wakes up, and realizes he has crabs. The man goes back to the prostitute and tells her “Hey, you gave me crabs”. She responds, “for 5 dollars did you expect Lobster?”

Sorry just watching the office for the first time.

Dad joke alert: why didn't the crab and lobster get along?

They were too shellfish.

An HR manager was knocked down (tragically) by a bus and was killed. Her soul arrived at the Pearly Gates, where St.Peter welcomed her.

“Before you get settled in” he said, “We have a little problem…you see, we’ve never had a HR manager make it this far before and we’re not really sure what to do with you.”

“Oh, I see,” said the woman, “can’t you just let me in?”

“Well, I’d like to,” said St Peter, “But I have higher o...

What's a lobster's favorite part of a build-your-own-pizza bar?

The crust station.

So a mentally challenged man walks into a seafood restaurant...

...and sees a tank of live creatures. As an employee walks by, he grabs her attention, and asks, “Is that a breakdancing lobster?” He points at one of the creatures wildly flipping around and acting insane. The worker takes a moment and responds, saying, “No, that’s just a cray fish...”

In which part of the bread factory do lobsters work?

The crust station.

Which of these three does not belong: (A) a lobster, (B) a flounder, or (C) a Korean man who has just been run over by a bus?

The answer is (B) a flounder.

The other two are crushedAsians.

Lobsters are greedy. They never give anything to charity. They're just shellfish.

But that's being too hard on them. Not everyone can afford to be a philanthropod.

A girl lobster meets a crab boy...

...they quickly hit it off and start dating. Unfortunately, the girl lobsters father is dead set against interspecies relationships and tells his daughter "If you keep seeing that crab boy, I'm cutting you off, no daughter of mine will be with a 'sideways walker', I will not stand for it." Upset, ...

Dorthy and Edna...

...two "senior" widows, are talking.

Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."

Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 P.M.,...

$5 Hooker

A man goes to see a 5 dollar hooker, he does his business and the goes home. The next day he was furious, he got crabs from the hooker. He decides to go back to the hooker and complain.

Man: This is outrageous I pay you and I get crabs!!!

Hooker: Well what did you expect for 5 dollars?...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A crab, a lobster, a dolphin...

and a Japanese dude run over by a truck. Which one doesn't match up?

[The dolphin. The other three are all crustaceans/crushed Asians](#s)

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