Why do hockey rinks have curved corners?

Because if they were 90 degrees, the ice would melt.

They say that if enough Antarctic ice melts more and more viruses will emerge...

I guess that means COVID is only the tip of the iceberg!

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A guy from IRS shows up at the rabbi's house

"So, you produce a lot of waste during your ceremonies that could potentially be sold for profit but it's missing from your books, how do you account for that?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, the matzo bread you eat... It's awfully dry, it must surely leave a lot of crumbs... What do you d...

Have you ever seen something so attractive and so hot that it makes you melt like ice cream when you see try to get close to it?

I haven't. I think I'm seeing stars.

They say America is a great big melting pot...

But nobody bothered to mix it

What’s the best way to melt a snowflake?

Ask him to wear a mask.

Did you hear about the prisoners who got melted together?

It was Con-fusing to say the least.

I’m tired of people saying bears are like humans and that’s why you should care about the polar icecaps melting.

If bears were like humans they would be fine. The polar bears would steal land from the grizzly bears, have all the panda bears build them railroads. Send all the koala bears to Australia, all the gummy bears to San Francisco they’ll be fine. They’re start a country called Bearica and have a half bl...

An ice cube fell in love with a Bunsen burner.

“Bunsen... My flame...I melt whenever I see you," confessed the ice cube.

*“Chill, it’s just a phase you’re going through.”*

After six months of winter all the snow finally melted.

Noice

What do you get when you melt the wizard of oz?

The wizard of fl.oz.

Today I learned that I can make an ice cube melt just by concentrating on it and thinking ''Melt.''

I have to admit that it takes a lot longer than I expected.

What does a popsicle become when it melts?

Sticky.

If Trump were captain of the RMs Titanic

Captain Trump of the RMS Titanic:

There isn't any iceberg.
There was an iceberg but it's in a totally different ocean.
The iceberg is in this ocean but it will melt very soon.
There is an iceberg but we didn't hit the iceberg.
We hit the iceberg, but the damage will be ...

How do you make a patty melt?

I dunno...just say nice things to her, take her out to dinner, and tell her you love her over a candlelight dinner. Worth a shot.

Am I the only one to realise that,

if we all worked together to accelerate climate change, the melting polar ice caps would put out the bush fires in Australia?

One day a man decided to retire. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank...

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How d...

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There was this famous cheese maker

He made this cheese that would expanded grow when melted.
He was driving while drinking scotch and got into a accident with a school bus. The court case going as expected he was sentenced to death by electrocution. As a last meal request he asked for a quarter of a wheel of his world famous chee...

Did you know I can melt an ice cube using the power of my mind.

Takes quite a white though.

Jet fuel cant melt steel beams...

But an oxy-acetylene torch can burn down 600 years of French heritage in 12 hours.

How did the ice cream man sell all of his melting product on a hot summer day?

He had a liquidation sale.

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If you have protected sex for 365 days straight, then melt the condoms down and mold a tire from them, what would you call it?

A Fucking GoodYear.

Also from my 7 year old nephew: What is it called when Olaf is crying?

A meltdown.

I pulled up to the drive-thru of a fast-food restaurant and ordered coffee.

I asked the clerk to put some ice cubes into the cup so that I could drink the cool coffee quickly.

At the window, there was a delay.

Finally, a teen-aged girl came to the window looking frustrated.

"I'm having a problem," she announced. "The ice keeps melting."

Why did Niki Minaj start melting when she used vaseline?

Because vaseline breaks down plastic

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A ramdom girl is giving me a blowjob and i'm melting

Seriously i'm melting.Someone please bring me back to the freezer with other popsicles or i'm gonna die

A penguin takes his car to the garage

A penguin takes his car in to the garage to get fixed and he goes to have an ice cream. The ice cream starts to melt and goes all over his face.

When he goes to pick his car up the mechanic says “you blew a seal”

The penguin says “nah it’s just ice cream!”

What do you call a melted piece of cheese nearby?

A hot single in your area

Jet Fuel can't melt Ellen Pao

[User was banned for this post]

For my chemistry homework, I was supposed to write a thousand words on acid.

I tried, but my pen turned into a rainbow-coloured giraffe and then the desk melted.

Spring Fishing

Three guys were out fishing and drinking beer one fine early Spring morning. The lake's ice was now completely melted and the sun shone bright. As one of the guys stood to pee he lost his balance and teetered overboard. When he hadn't surfaced after a few moments one of his friends dove in to try ...

My plan was to skip shoveling and just let the snow melt.

It wasnt well thawed out.

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Chemical Analysis of Women

Item: Chemical Analysis



Subject: Women



Symbol: Wo



Discovered by: Adam



Atomic Weight: Average expected as 150lb, but there are known isotopes ranging from 100lb to 250lb.


Occurrence: Surplus quanti...

I don’t get it. What’s the problem with climate change, ice bergs melting and the sea level rising?

I mean the excess water just flows down the edge of the Earth.

my brain is like an overclocked cpu

it runs 2000 fps for a couple seconds then melts

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The year is 2100. Earth has been ravaged by a variety of natural and man-made disasters. All the flatlands are now seabeds after the ice caps have melted. Most of the planet's land is barren wasteland. Barely any oxygen is produced, and most animal life has died out.

All you can hear is cockroaches and The Rolling Stones 2100 Tour.

I just melted an ice cube by staring at it.

Took a bit longer than I thought it would, though.

How to make an ice cube melt faster?

Talk to it and get into a heated argument

Why did the blonde leave the ice pick in the freezer?

Because she thought if she left it out for too long it would melt

Ice Cube is 48 years old, but still hasn't melted. Do you know why?

Man's not hot.

I don't like it when snow melts

Icy it as snow unsettling.

(OC)

Did you know global warming is reducing terrorism?

The ISIS melting.

I got arrested the other day after police found me covering a boy with melted sugar

I was charged with child molassation

What's the worst thing about the poles melting?

Santa is drowning...

Once this whole "global warming thing" melts the ice caps

We're gonna have a canoe world order.

The Trophy Maker (OC - long)

Old Rick Giuseppe was a fifth-generation trophy maker – like his father, grandfather, great grandfather and great great great grandfather before him. Alas, Old Rick Giuseppe’s wife had died a few years ago, and the man lived in solitude, apart from a cat named Jeffery, who was his late wife’s belove...

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Dear Midwest Diary...

Aug. 1

Moved to our new home in Chicago. It is so beautiful here.

The city is so picturesque. Can hardly wait to see it covered

with snow. I LOVE IT HERE!

Oct. 14

Chicago is the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves are

turning all different colo...

Irish

Being upset that the world is making jokes about them.. the Irish government decided to launch a massive campaign to show the world that they are not actually simple...

So they announced a media conference telling the world that they will send a rocket onto the sun.....

Someone asked i...

Why was no one sad when the headless snowman melted?

He was a snowbody.

Why don't people like talking about the melting sea ice?

It's a polarizing issue.

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If someone woke you up by throwing melted butter and flour on you...

It'd be a rouxed awakening.

A politician was crossing a pasture when he stepped into something soft.

He immediately stopped and looked down to see his foot completely covered in a large cow-pie.

Standing still, he cried out in terror, "Please someone help me, I'm melting!"

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Two Scotsmen go to Hell

[I know this joke has been shared a few times before but I thought I would share my Scottish cultural adaptation of it]

A demon approaches the devil and says "Dark lord! Two men from Glasgow in Scotland have been sent here. What should be done with them?"

The devil says "Glaswegians? T...

Did you hear what they did with Michael Jackson’s body?

Since he was like 90% plastic they melted him into legos and let little boys play with him for once.

A man walks into a bar

And orders a drink. Whilst drinking it, a massively scarred Asian dude stumbles in the bar.

"What happened?" The man asks as he downs his drink.

"There's a dragon 10km east from here." The Asian dude rasps before passing out.

So the Man gets on his bike and travels 10km east an...

Did you hear about the witch that died while melting down armor?

Her last words were: "I'm smeltinggg"

A man was recruited for a space colony

He had been posted to a planet 14 lightyears from Sol. As his ship landed on the planet's glowing surface, he saw a car waiting for him.

"Welcome to Anti-Earth," The driver said, "don't worry we are going to change the name soon. I am here to take you to your quarters and show you the colony ...

This is how the first tire was invented.

A guy had 365 used condoms. So he melted them down, made a tire, and called it a goodyear.

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A joke about explorers.

Three men are exploring the jungle and are quickly caught by natives. The leader of the natives asks the first explorer:
“What do you do for a living?”
He replies “Im a butcher”
The natives drop down his pants and cut off his dick with a cleaver.
The leader asks the second one the same q...

What did the sun say after melting Frosty the Snowman?

I came, I thaw, I conquered .

What did they do with Michael Jackson when he died?

Well, he had so many plastic surgeries that they melted him down into LEGOs... Now kids play with him for a change.

A supervillain and his henchman are sitting in the control room in the supervillain's volcanic lair.

Suddenly alarms start going off all over the place.

Supervillain: "What the heck is going on? Are the sharks with lasers loose again? Is it the IRS? Is there a leak in the reactor?"

The Henchman looks behind him to see a chair melting into the ground. "No, sir, the flaw is lava."

How do you make a patty melt?

Give Marcie a strap-on.

War Story

When I was 19 I joined the Navy cause, why not?

I ended up as a Navy Seal and get deployed to Iraq for 6 years.

Not even sure who we're fighting at this point.
Lose half my friends I had in the Navy but come home.

My family hardly talks to me now, but at least my dog still re...

A woman decides to go home with a guy she met at a club one night

He's tall, tanned, strikingly handsome, and seems different than most other guys she meets.

Upon arrival at his place they head straight to the bedroom where she can't help but notice a shelf full of teddy bears.

On the bottom are small teddy bears, on the middle shelf are medium-siz...

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A TV crew was on a remote village making a documentary…

…they stopped a villager and asked him if he would tell a happy anecdote for the camera. The man smiled, gave a deep, longing breath and told “well, there was this time when Sven’s sheep got lost, so it wandered up the mountain, so we got together to look for it. We searched and searched all day lon...

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Dave's wife is out for the night and he decides to eat some shrooms. He passes out and wakes up at the pearly gates of heaven.

St Peter greets him and explains that he's actually died from eating some bad shrooms. However, if he makes dinner for Jesus and his 12 disciples *AND* they happen to like it, he'll be revived back on earth.

He enters a huge kitchen, packed with every kind of ingredient imaginable. Dave coul...

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A man and his wife visit Las Vegas for their 15th anniversary. Being the spontaneous couple they always have been the husband decides that their first night he will do all the planning.

They go out a fancy steak dinner and he pays extra to have the band sing their wedding song tableside and serenade his wife. She melts.

He then takes her to a magic show and pays extra to have her involved in the main act as the woman who disappears within the act. She is beaming with joy....

Kylie Jenner asked me to roast her.

I said platics don't roast they melt.

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A guy was recruited for the first settlement on another planet....

The Settlement Chief met him on the landing site.

"This place is going to take some getting used to. It's like a mirror version of Earth. The elements which are rare on Earth are the most abundant here while the common elements are extremely rare."

"So why are we here then," the guy a...

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A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde entered into a high-stakes TV culinary contest of the ages...

After the three women finished their cooking procedures, they individually lined up behind the curtain of the main stage and each rolled out a cart with their respective dish. To elaborate, three judges would be grading these women on their cooking capabilities.

When the time came for the pre...

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The mosquito that brings disease...

A village elder is brought a mosquito caught from a swarm. The townsfolks fear it may bring disease. So the elder says - "I will take this mosquito, and I will determine the aspects of the disease that it may bring." The elder rips up the mosquito into pieces. He places each one into a tiny square d...

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Why does M&Ms prefer blowjobs over handjobs?

They melt in your mouth, not in your hand

A little girl goes into a pet store.

She asked the shopkeeper in the sweetest little lisp: ‘Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?’

As the shopkeeper’s heart melted, he got down on his knees to her level and asked: ‘Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit or maybe one like this cute widdle b...

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2020 one-ish liners

2020 so far:
-Welp, I guess somebody finally fracked their way through the wrong Native burial site.

-You think 7 years bad luck for breaking a mirror is bad? You should see what happens when you let polar ice caps melt.

-Nobody’s trying to keep the Jews as slaves again are they? ‘...

Why did the Ancient Egyptians build Great Pyramids?

Because their Great Igloos melted.

Once upon a time there lived a king.

The king had a beautiful daughter. There was a problem though – everything the princess touched would melt. It didn’t matter what it was made of: metal, wood, stone… anything she touched would melt.

Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her. The king despaired. What...

There was an uber driver

He picked up an elderly woman. It was an average trip, 30 minutes. They were having a pleasant conversation when she offered him a peanut. Quite shocked, he took it, ate it and thanked her. Moments later she offered another, and another and he kept eating them.
After a while he began to wonder wh...

NSFW A penguin is driving in the desert...

...when steam and smoke start pouring out from under the hood of his car. The car has just enough life in it to roll into the service station in the next town.

The repairman says it will take a while to figure out what's wrong, so the penguin goes for a walk around town. The sun is beating do...

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The consolation in misery

The caliph of Basra, in the Arabian Thousand and One Nights, had earned a reputation as a cruel and harsh man. His sentences were exceedingly rigorous, his punishments merciless.

The Janissaries presented him inmates every day, and the caliph, after knowing the guilt of each one, decreed the...

Donald Trump is like a marshmallow...

He's easy to roast, a little orange on top, catches fire easily, and will melt down when he gets under too much heat.

There was once a Musician in North Korea

One day, Kim Jong Un himself calls the musician and asks him to direct a concert for his entertainment. Not daring to say no to the Supreme Leader, he agreed.

So the man assembled the best orchestra in all of Korea to play the piece he composed for the Leader. However when it was time to perf...

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