How do you make a patty melt?

I dunno...just say nice things to her, take her out to dinner, and tell her you love her over a candlelight dinner. Worth a shot.

Today I learned that I can make an ice cube melt just by concentrating on it and thinking ''Melt.''

I have to admit that it takes a lot longer than I expected.

What did the sign on the way to Aspen say after the snow melted?

Nothing to ski here!

Did you know I can melt an ice cube using the power of my mind.

Takes quite a white though.

Jet fuel cant melt steel beams...

But an oxy-acetylene torch can burn down 600 years of French heritage in 12 hours.

I don’t get it. What’s the problem with climate change, ice bergs melting and the sea level rising?

I mean the excess water just flows down the edge of the Earth.

What do you get when you melt the wizard of oz?

The wizard of fl.oz.

What do you call a melted piece of cheese nearby?

A hot single in your area

A little girl goes into a pet store.

She asked the shopkeeper in the sweetest little lisp: ‘Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?’

As the shopkeeper’s heart melted, he got down on his knees to her level and asked: ‘Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit or maybe one like this cute widdle b...

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Why does M&Ms prefer blowjobs over handjobs?

They melt in your mouth, not in your hand

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The year is 2100. Earth has been ravaged by a variety of natural and man-made disasters. All the flatlands are now seabeds after the ice caps have melted. Most of the planet's land is barren wasteland. Barely any oxygen is produced, and most animal life has died out.

All you can hear is cockroaches and The Rolling Stones 2100 Tour.

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A ramdom girl is giving me a blowjob and i'm melting

Seriously i'm melting.Someone please bring me back to the freezer with other popsicles or i'm gonna die

My plan was to skip shoveling and just let the snow melt.

It wasnt well thawed out.

When I was at university I was told to write 1500 words on acid.

It all went well until the floor melted and my pen turned into a carrot

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If you have protected sex for 365 days straight, then melt the condoms down and mold a tire from them, what would you call it?

A Fucking GoodYear.

NSFW A penguin is driving in the desert...

...when steam and smoke start pouring out from under the hood of his car. The car has just enough life in it to roll into the service station in the next town.

The repairman says it will take a while to figure out what's wrong, so the penguin goes for a walk around town. The sun is beating do...

How to make an ice cube melt faster?

Talk to it and get into a heated argument

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A man goes to a casino

He stays there the whole day and he's always losing. The next day he comes once again and loses everything. The third day he does the same and the dealer asks him what his job was so he could afford to lose so much money and he says that earning money has to do with personality. He says: "I for exam...

I am ironman.

God and Adam are having an argument one day over who is the strongest and most versatile creature in creation.

"The leopard can run faster than anything on land and the elephant contains the strength of one hundred of you," God told Adam.

Adam glared at God defiantly, "But I can outthi...

A man was recruited for a space colony

He had been posted to a planet 14 lightyears from Sol. As his ship landed on the planet's glowing surface, he saw a car waiting for him.

"Welcome to Anti-Earth," The driver said, "don't worry we are going to change the name soon.I am here to take you to your quarters and show you the colony o...

How do you melt a snowflake?

Take a knee

What happens when you go inside in a snow suit?

It melts.

There was once a Musician in North Korea

One day, Kim Jong Un himself calls the musician and asks him to direct a concert for his entertainment. Not daring to say no to the Supreme Leader, he agreed.

So the man assembled the best orchestra in all of Korea to play the piece he composed for the Leader. However when it was time to perf...

Jet Fuel can't melt Ellen Pao

[User was banned for this post]

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A guy was recruited for the first settlement on another planet....

The Settlement Chief met him on the landing site.

"This place is going to take some getting used to. It's like a mirror version of Earth. The elements which are rare on Earth are the most abundant here while the common elements are extremely rare."

"So why are we here then," the guy a...

I was giving my cat a bath for the first time.

She just loved it.It was good for me, it was good for the cat.It gave us some precious time together we desperately needed.Ahh,the look on her cute little face was enough to make a trucker melt.The fur got stuck to my tounge,but other than that it was ok.

Ice Cube is 48 years old, but still hasn't melted. Do you know why?

Man's not hot.

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The auditor goes to the synagogue

The auditor is on a fining spree; he went through his list and every business in town got fined for irregularities. He checks is list

done

done

done

not yet done

"What's that?" he thinks. He reads: synagogue. "I'll go there NOW"

The rabbi and all the adminis...

What do you do with 365 used condoms?

Melt them down, make a tyre and call it a good year.

What do you call a snowman playing piano next to the fire

Melting John

I just melted an ice cube by staring at it.

Took a bit longer than I thought it would, though.

Once there was champion of all candles. Undefeated by all challengers, it was thought to be invincible. When suddenly, at the peak of it's powers, it was found melted to a mere puddle. There was outrage; cries of conspiracy, murder...

Really, I think it just met its match.

I got arrested the other day after police found me covering a boy with melted sugar

I was charged with child molassation

A woman decides to go home with a guy she met at a club one night

He's tall, tanned, strikingly handsome, and seems different than most other guys she meets.

Upon arrival at his place they head straight to the bedroom where she can't help but notice a shelf full of teddy bears.

On the bottom are small teddy bears, on the middle shelf are medium-siz...

Why was no one sad when the headless snowman melted?

He was a snowbody.

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When Solomon the Wise received the Queen of Sheba at his palace, he needed grand new thrones for him and for her.

So by the power of the Seal of Solomon he summoned *djinn* and he said to them: Craft me a pair of thrones that shall be the wonder of all the ages, exquisite in both materials and workmanship and of a value surpassing all the treasures of the earth. And the *djinn*, bound under the Seal, bowed low ...

A New Metal has been added to Chemistry

Name: Woman
Symbol: Wm
Atomic mass: Light when first found... tends to get heavier with time.


**PHYSICAL PROPERTIES**

- Boils at any time
- Can freeze at any time
- Melts if treated with love
- Very Bitter if Mishandled


**CHEMICAL PROPERTIES** ...

Why didn't Confucius wear condoms

Because he who has a hot iron, melts rubber

Did you hear about Titanic II gearing up to set sail in 2022?

Good thing we melted all our glaciers in the preparation.

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If someone woke you up by throwing melted butter and flour on you...

It'd be a rouxed awakening.

Why don't people like talking about the melting sea ice?

It's a polarizing issue.

A man walks into a bar

And orders a drink. Whilst drinking it, a massively scarred Asian dude stumbles in the bar.

"What happened?" The man asks as he downs his drink.

"There's a dragon 10km east from here." The Asian dude rasps before passing out.

So the Man gets on his bike and travels 10km east an...

Why don’t igloos have corners?

Corners are 90 degrees, the igloo would melt.

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Shipwrecked Australian

A typical Australian guy, having split from his latest girlfriend, decided to take a holiday. He booked himself on a cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life. That is, until the ship sank! He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts...

The man, the donkey, and the dog.

A man is walking alongside a donkey and a dog on a very hot day. Feeling the sun beating down on him, he looks up at the sky and says, "It sure is hot today, never seen a day this hot in my life". The donkey says, "I'm with you man, I feel like I'm going to melt". The man, surprised and terrified th...

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Tech support call.

Customer: "I got this problem. You people sent me this install disk, and now my A: drive won't work."

Tech Support: "Your A drive won't work?"

Customer: "That's what I said. You sent me a bad disk, it got stuck in my drive, now it won't work at all."

Tech Support: "Did it not in...

Fat people never go to hell

It all burns and melts by the time they get there

An engineer, a physician and an economist are in the middle of the desert with only a tin can. [long]

They are starving and far away from civilisation, but they have no way to open it.

The engineer says:
To open the can we need to build this specific machine! It will do the job quickly and efficiently!

The physician and economist mock him:
Yeah, right, we’re in the middle of the ...

The Jackson estate recently made an announcement...

That upon his death, they'd had Michael's body melted down and cast into pieces of LEGO.

So now it's finally safe for the kids to play with Michael.

I called my repairman to complain about a faulty icemaker that had been leaking ...

When he came back out to the house, he discovered it was just some ice that had fallen and melted on the floor. I offered my apologies for the mistake. The repairman told me not to worry, as far as he was concerned, it was water under the fridge.

A penguin on a road trip through...

...the desert noticed steam coming out from under the hood of his car pulled over in a small town. He found a walrus working in a service station who said he could fix it straight away. Penguin was understandably hot and asked where he could find a cool treat. Walrus mechanic told him about an ice ...

A plane was flying when the pilot announced over the intercom

'I got some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that the wings are iced over. The good news is that the engine fires will soon melt the ice'

Once upon a time there lived a king.

The king had a beautiful daughter. There was a problem though – everything the princess touched would melt. It didn’t matter what it was made of: metal, wood, stone… anything she touched would melt.

Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her. The king despaired. What...

Three guys went to a ski lodge after a tiresome day of skiing.

There was only one bed, so they had to share it. When they woke up the next morning, the guy on the left side of the bed said he saw the most amazing dream. "This beautiful lady gave me a wonderful handjob". The guy on the right said; "I had the exact same dream! It felt so real!" The guy in the mid...

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A young boy asks the girl of his dreams to prom.

She was the most beautiful girl he had ever seen. Just the sight of her turned his stomach into a butterfly exhibit and caused his heart to melt through his chest. She was the sweetest, funniest, and nicest girl he had ever met. She was truly an angel. However, as is the case with most guys when try...

A penguin is driving down the road and her car starts making a funny noise...

She finds a repair shop and drops it off to get it repaired. While she’s waiting, she notices an ice cream shop nearby, so she goes over to get a cone. On her way back, the ice cream starts to melt and ends up getting on her lips and around her mouth. Walking up to her car, the mechanic lifts his h...

A penguin is driving through town on a hot summer day.

Unfortunately, his car breaks down and he's forced to take it to a mechanic. The mechanic says "I'll have a look, just go do something for a bit and come back. I'll let you know what I find when you get back."

So, with some time to kill the penguin goes across the road to get some ice cream....

Have you ever seen a baby dragon eating ice cream?

It'll melt your heart.

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Dave's wife is out for the night and he decides to eat some shrooms. He passes out and wakes up at the pearly gates of heaven.

St Peter greets him and explains that he's actually died from eating some bad shrooms. However, if he makes dinner for Jesus and his 12 disciples *AND* they happen to like it, he'll be revived back on earth.

He enters a huge kitchen, packed with every kind of ingredient imaginable. Dave coul...

How did i know for sure global warming was real?

On the day Trump got elected over 50 million snowflakes melted at once.

A Republican and a scientist were together during the last moments of the Titanic...

The scientist said "In a hundred years that giant iceberg would melt and contribute in the rising of the sea level."

Then the Republican said "If we're sinking, why are we a hundred feet up in the air?"

Why do hockey rinks have rounded corners instead of 90 degree angles?

If they were 90 degrees the ice would melt.

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A dragon catches three men

A German, a Japanese and a Russian. Tells them he'll give them a chance to live if they survive his fire blow. They can also hide behind one object.

German goes first and decides to hide behind a steel plate, claiming he believes in manufacturing and quality of products. Dragon blows at him a...

How is global warming reducing terrorism?

The ISIS melting.

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It is the year 2200

In a small city lived a master fisherman. This fisherman was famous throughout the world for being able to catch numerous amounts of fish in any body of water. Now, fish these days have mutated and changed quite a bit, but this fisherman was able to catch them all with little to no effort.

On...

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A very depressed looking man is sitting at a bar, his shirt front covered in vomit.

The bartender asks him, "What's wrong friend? What's got you looking so down?"

The man replies, "Things aren't going well for me today. I promised my wife I'd cut down on my drinking. When I get home and she sees my shirt like this, she's gonna know I got boozed up and vomited all down my ...

Penguin driving through the desert

It's 100* day and he's cruising along until his car starts smoking. He takes it easy until he makes it to a small town and finds a mechanic. The mechanic says to come back in an hour, so the penguin decides to explore the small town.

There's not much to see but he does find an ice cream shop...

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Pet shop

A little girl walks in to a pet shop and ask the owner for a rabbit the owner heart melts and says what kind of rabbit do you want a white rabbit a brown rabbit or a grey rabbit and the little girl says "I don't think my python gives a fuck "

If someone calls me a snowflake one more time...

I’m going to melt down.

When Kim Kardashian dies...

Will she be put in a grave or melted along with the rest of the plastic?

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