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Diamond Jokes

I told my wife that I will buy her a diamond necklace for her birthday

She said nothing will please her more

So I bought her nothing instead

What's the easiest way to cut a diamond's value in half?

Buy it.

My friend offered to show me a magic trick.

"Sure," I said.

My friend pulled out a deck of cards, shuffled it thoroughly, then gave it to me.

"Pick a card, any card. Look at it, then put it back," he said.

I was suspicious, so I asked him if I could shuffle the deck, too. He agreed, so I shuffled it five times, cut the de...

marriage is like a deck of cards

at the start you need a heart and a diamond, but by the end you wish you had a club and a spade.

I bought a diamond ring on St. Patricks day but found out it was a fake

They gave me a sham rock

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Three friends explore a cave

While in the cave, the friends find a genie’s lamp. Of course, as anyone in this situation would do, they excitedly rub the lamp. The genie of the lamp pours forth in a cloud of magical smoke.


The genie begins his spiel: “Gentlemen, for summoning me forth from the lamp, I shall give each...

My grandfather’s last wish was that we convert his ashes into a diamond.

That’s a lot of pressure.

A dad and his his 7 year old son

A dad and his so were playing Minecraft one day, and the son asked his dad what should he never do in Minecraft?

The dad answers, go into creative mode because that ruins the game.

He stares his dad dead in the eyes and says, No dad DON’T SPEND YOUR DIAMONDS ON HOES!

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Christmas gifts for the wives ----- CAUTION * MATURE HUMOR *

A poor man talks to a rich man around Christmas time.

The rich man says,

“I’m getting my wife two gifts this year: a sports car and a diamond ring.

If she doesn’t like the ring, she can drive back to the store to return it.”

The poor man thinks for a minute.

He sa...

A jewel

Mrs. Whembleton decided to have her portrait painted.

She told the artist, Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets and a ruby pendant.

But, Madam, you are not wearing any of those things.

True enough, said Mrs. Whembleton. If I should predecease...

Last Halloween, my friend Lucy dressed up like a cat burglar on a jewel heist.

Lucy….in disguise with diamonds.

Bought my wife a beautiful big diamond ring.

She asked, "Why didn't you buy me a new car ?"

I told her, "They don't make fake cars."

What do you call a gravestone made out of diamond?

A long term investment

If the government finds diamonds in your backyard it's theirs...

... but if they find drugs, then it's yours?

My girlfriend said nothing would make her happier than a diamond ring for her birthday

So I got her nothing

As we were driving down the road, "Sweet Caroline" came on the radio. I said to my son, "Little known fact, Neil Diamond used to be called Neil Coal."

"Until the pressure got to him."

Did you know that Neil Diamond used to be known as Neil Coal?

That was until the pressure got to him.

One Christmas Eve, a man and his wife were shopping in town and became separated...

The woman called him on her cell phone and said, "Where are you?" The guy said, "Remember that little jewelry store we went into last year and you found that diamond necklace that you wanted, but I couldn't afford to buy it for you?" The woman was overcome with emotion and said "Yes, yes ... I remem...

My wife's birthday is in two days, and she told me that she would be happy as long as I get her something with a lot of diamonds in it.

She's gonna love this pack of playing cards.

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Scottish blood

An Arab Sheik was admitted to the hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to have some of his blood type stored in case the need arose. As the gentleman had an extremely rare type of blood that couldn't be found locally, the call went out around the world.

...

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Two retired cat burglars are sharing a pint in the pub, telling old stories about the craziest things they did.

"One time," said old Gregg, "I got so close to the Millenium Diamond that I could've carved my initials on it, I could've nicked it but I had to leave it be or I'd get caught. Had to take something they wouldn't notice, you know?"

"Not bad," said old Mick, "but one time I got into Windsor and...

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A woman in a jewelers admiring a big diamond ring. As she leans down for a closer look a little fart slips out. Hoping nobody noticed she asks "how much is that one?"

The jeweler says "Madam, if you farted looking at it, you'll shit yourself when I tell you the price"

My boyfriend bought me a diamond ring The stone was cut in the shape of a four leaf clover. I wore it all the time to show how much it meant to me.

One day, I got curious and had it valued at a jeweller's. Unfortunately they told me that my boyfriend had been swindled, as the diamond was actually a cubic zirconia.

It was a sham rock.

Every evening, after they were finished with their work at the diamond mines, on their way home to their cottage, the seven dwarves would stop at a bar.

The bartender knew that the dwarves all liked hazelnut daiquiris, so every time the dwarves arrived at the bar, he would make sure that they all had hazelnut daiquiris.

One afternoon, when the bartender was making the daiquiris, he realized that he only had enough hazelnut extract to make six...

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George claims that his dick is the "Hardest Dick In The World!"

George will pay anyone $5000 cash to anyone who can bring him something absolutely harder than his dick.


One man brings a basketball-sized boulder. George easily smashes the boulder with his dick. The man picks up the boulder pieces and angrily walks off.


A second man brings a ...

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A rich guy and a poor guy are talking with each other....

Both of them are discussing what they got their wives for their anniversary.

The rich guy tells he got his wife a diamond ring and a Mercedes. The poor guy is amazed and asked him why he got two gifts for her.
The rich guy said, "Well, if she doesn't like the ring, she can go and return...

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A rich man & a poor man

There’s a rich man an a poor man sitting at a bar . Rich man says its my wife’s birthday day , i got her a big diamond ring an a Porsche . Poor man says why both ? Rich man says well I figured if she didn’t like the ring she could take it back in the Porsche an still be happy. Poor man says i got my...

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3 stoners buy a horse

They go home with the horse and make it stay in the living room.

One of the friends pull out a bong and they all take hits until they're stoned.

While stoned they come up with an idea to have fun with the horse.

They attach a feeding muzzle onto the horse and funnel in smoke fro...

I bought a used Volvo from Neil Diamond on Autotrader....

Swede car online.

John and Mary decided to go shopping together in the city for the first time in 20 years.

John and Mary decided to go shopping together in the city for the first time in 20 years. When they arrived in the downtown area where all the stores were, John said "How about we go our separate ways for a bit, and I'll call you in a while."

Mary amused herself window shopping for a couple...

Why Do Most Diamonds Look So Similar?

They're all just carbon copies of each other.

Diamond ad companies

Diamonds are forever

Diamonds will take her breath away

Diamonds will render her speechless

What they really mean,

diamonds, that'll shut her up!

Credit: Ron white

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Why was the diamond so good at sex?

Coz diamonds last forever

Fact, when you find diamonds, old coins or anything of value on your property, it belongs to the government.

But, if the police find drugs, they belong to you.

Wife comes home one day wearing a brand new diamond tennis bracelet.

Husband asked were she got it from. She tells him she won a raffle at work, than ask him to get a hot bath ready for her.
Not thinking to much about, the husband gets her bath ready.
A week later the wife comes home with a mink coat on. Again the husband asked were she got it from. She again...

A man and a blonde woman get engaged

A man and a blonde woman get engaged. The man presents her with a big, beautiful, expensive diamond ring. After a few months, the man notices that the ring is in rough shape - scuff marks, dents, and scratches. He asks her to take it to the jeweler.

So, the blonde woman brings the ring to th...

Against my wishes my son has gone and had a tattoo of a heart, a spade, a club and a diamond.

I'll deal with him later.

What do you and a diamond have in common

You can both be sold for a lot of money

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What do you call a prostitute that pegs men for jewelry?

Lucy in this Guy for Diamonds

I always listen to Neil Diamond during the holidays.

He’s got sweet carol lines.

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A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery.

He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?" The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens ...

Three men hold a contest in front of a panel of women to see who can pleasure a woman best.

The first man, a body builder, is brought up to the stage and announces that he can deadlift 550lbs and can bench 315lbs. Proving it true, the man completes the lifts with ease. Flexing his muscles in front of the women and winking, he leaves the stage.

The next man, a professional chef, impr...

Hey girl are you a diamond pick?

Cause I'm as hard as obsidian

Our problems are like diamonds

we inflate their value because we don't understand how many they have in Africa

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Not having sex tonight

One evening last week，my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well，the passion starts to heat up，and she eventually says，‘I don‘t feel like it，I just want you to hold me.‘

I said，‘WHAT??!! What was that?!‘

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear.... <...

So I asked my girlfriend what she would want for her birthday next week

She said: "Well, I dreamt of a golden ring with lots of small diamonds."

I asked her: "What do you think it means?"

She smiled and said: "I don't know..."

Flash forward to her birthday, with all our family members at the table, I gave her my present.

I still don't know wh...

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[Long] An ex-CIA operative named Arti had a younger sister always getting into mischief...

Arti's sister was beautiful, you see. She would use her looks to get things she wanted, but when she got in over her head, she'd always fall back on big brother Arti's special set of skills to help her out. And since he retired early (after becoming partially disabled saving the President's life fro...

Husband: "I'm getting you diamonds for our anniversary" - Wife: "Nothing would please me more"

Husband: *Gets her nothing instead*

A middle-aged guy is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her 40th birthday. He says: “So what would you like, Julie? A Jaguar? A sable coat? A diamond necklace?”

“Bernie,” she says. “I want a divorce”.

“My goodness,” he says. “I wasn’t planning on spending that much.”

How did the diamond find a girlfriend?

Carbon dating.

Why would an imitation diamond remind you of St. Patrick's Day?

Because it's a shamrock.

My heart is like a diamond

Cold, hard and has it's value artificially inflated because of a few select individuals

If diamonds are a girl's best friend, and dogs are man's best friend...

...then David Bowie is everyone's best friend.

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A woman visited an Amazonian tribe on a research trip...

She spent several days taking notes on the lifestyle and habits of the tribe and interviewing their ruler, King Paolo, via an interpreter. As the tribe's land was near several rich gold mines, the king and his people were extremely wealthy.

During the woman's time with him, the king fell hope...

Despite my major dislike of tattoos, my wife recently got one of a club, diamond, heart and spade

I just can't deal with it

I bought my wife a beautiful diamond ring for her birthday.

A friend of mine said, “I thought she wanted one of those pretty 4-wheel drive vehicles?”


“She did,” I replied, “But where in the world was I going to find a fake jeep!”

You are like an uncut diamond

Cheap

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Captain America and a Grammar Nazi are working for a diamond mine

Captain America and a Grammar Nazi are working for a diamond mine, and they have a meeting with a consultant. The consultant tells them that the mine is flooding the market with too many cheap diamonds, and their income is dropping as a result.

Captain America says, "Well, if you're correct, ...

Why did the archaeologist ask a diamond out to dinner?

Because of his enthusiasm for Carbon-Dating.

Why did the killer whale go to jail for stealing all the diamonds?

He’s the one that orca-strated the heist!

Diamonds are a girl's best friend.

Diamond Princess is a viruses best friend.

A women took a nap on New Years Eve...

A women took a nap on New Years Eve.

When she woke up, she told her husband, “I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond ring for a New Year’s present. What do you think it all means?”

He replied, “Aha, you’ll know tonight!” At midnight, her husband handed her a small gift-wrapped pres...

The only thing harder than diamonds

a redneck at his family reunion

I like my diamonds like I like my steak

Rare and Bloody

I like my men like I like my diamonds

Perfectly cut and hard as a rock

I bought a guitar made out of diamond..

now I can play some hard rock.

Wife: I just had a dream that you bought me a diamond necklace.

Husband: go back to sleep and wear it.

If minecraft taught me one thing...

It's to never spend diamonds on a hoe.

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Diamonds are the only thing in the natural world that can cut themselves...

I think someone should book them a therapist.

My family keeps telling me that when I die I should have my ashes made into a diamond

There's a lot of pressure

Lucy, In the Sky, With Diamonds…

John Lennon, proving he was a terrible Clue player…

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Why are dicks like Diamonds?

Massive oversupply with artificial market restrictions in place. Everyone who has one thinks they are unique, and if one is in your hand you’re expected to mention its size,

and fake ones are often just as good

I embedded my teeth with diamonds and gold and burned my tongue.

Lesson learned, don't put a grill in your mouth.

A journalist was visiting a completely isolated tribe for a documentary...

As she was leaving, she asks her translator to tell their leader that she had a great time, but needed to go now.

the leader seems to be sad, and her translator explains what he said: "he doesn't want you to leave, he really likes your company."

she apologizes, but insists she has to l...

An Irishman, by the name of O'Malley proposed to his girl on St. Patrick's Day.

He gave her a ring with a synthetic diamond. The excited young lass showed it to her father, a jeweler. He took one look at it and saw it wasn't real.

The young lass on learning it wasn't real returned to her future husband. She protested vehemently about his cheapness.

'It was in hono...

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Shopping at Tiffany’s

A lady walks into Tiffany’s, looks around, spots a beautiful diamond necklace and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely at it, she unexpectedly farts.
Very embarrassed she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little whoops and prays that a salesman wasn’...

Like A Diamond

Tom and his two best friends, Jerry and Bill, are talking.

“You know fellas,” said Tom, “the other day I heard this guy say to his crush that he always had to wear sunscreen and shades around her.”

“Why was that” asked Jerry

“Because she was too hot”

“And the shades?” ask...

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True facts....

\*\*\*\*True Facts\*\*\*\*

1. IN the 1400s, a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb, hence we have 'the rule of thumb'.

2. Many years ago, in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled 'Gentlemen Only, Ladies Fo...

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So my brother had this beautiful motor cycle.

So my brother had this beautiful motorcycle. For years he had that thing, shined like a diamond. It was his baby. Well, he's getting older now, just got married, has a kid on the way, big new promotion in the city, new house, the works. It's about time to settle down for him so he decided to pass it...

Kid: why is my cousin named Diamond?

Mother: because your auntie really loves diamonds

Kid: well what about my name?

Mother: never mind about that Richard.

What do you call a fake Irish diamond?

A shamrock.

Your guy didn't know any puns about colourful, diamond patterned socks.

But argyle know some.

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Golf on Christmas Morning

Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed, and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.

His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll m...

One day, the wife comes home with a spectacular diamond ring

"Where did you get that ring?" her husband asks.
"Well," she replies, "my boss and I played the lotto and we won, so I bought it with my share of the winnings."
A week later, his wife comes home with a long shiny fur coat. "Where did you get that coat?" her husband asks.
She replies, "My bo...

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Rich guy in a high end bar.

So a very wealthy man walks into a bar he frequents due to the fact it's only for the most wealthy patrons. One night he goes in and he notices the most beautiful woman he has ever seen decked out in the finest diamonds mixed with other precious gemstones throughout. He approached her and buys her a...

A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the mall was packed.

As the wife walked through the mall she was surprised to look up and see her husband was nowhere around. She was quite upset because they had a lot to do. Because she was so worried, she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.

In a calm voice, the husband said, "Honey, you rem...

What do you call two diamonds in a healthy relationship?

Carbon dating

A man gifted his wife a diamond necklace for their anniversary and then his wife didn't speak to him for 6 months.

Was the neclace fake?

No. That was deal!

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2 Southern belles

Two Southern Belles are sittin’ on the veranda,

when one points at the big shiny car in the driveway, and says, “my Daddy bought me that brand-new Cadillac”.

The other nods, sips her julep, and says, “how nice”.

They rock back and forth on the porch swing a moment, and the first...

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Hearts, diamonds, clubs, spades... oh? Looks like this house of cards has a fifth suit.

Sexual harassment suit.

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