My grandfather’s last wish was that we convert his ashes into a diamond.

That’s a lot of pressure.

Every evening, after they were finished with their work at the diamond mines, on their way home to their cottage, the seven dwarves would stop at a bar.

The bartender knew that the dwarves all liked hazelnut daiquiris, so every time the dwarves arrived at the bar, he would make sure that they all had hazelnut daiquiris.

One afternoon, when the bartender was making the daiquiris, he realized that he only had enough hazelnut extract to make six...

What do you call a gravestone made out of diamond?

A long term investment

If the government finds diamonds in your backyard it's theirs...

... but if they find drugs, then it's yours?

My boyfriend bought me a diamond ring The stone was cut in the shape of a four leaf clover. I wore it all the time to show how much it meant to me.

One day, I got curious and had it valued at a jeweller's. Unfortunately they told me that my boyfriend had been swindled, as the diamond was actually a cubic zirconia.

It was a sham rock.

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True facts....

\*\*\*\*True Facts\*\*\*\*

1. IN the 1400s, a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb, hence we have 'the rule of thumb'.

2. Many years ago, in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled 'Gentlemen Only, Ladies Fo...

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Shopping at Tiffany’s

A lady walks into Tiffany’s, looks around, spots a beautiful diamond necklace and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely at it, she unexpectedly farts.
Very embarrassed she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little whoops and prays that a salesman wasn’...

A guy tells his friend, "I bought my wife a diamond ring."

"You told me she wanted a car," the friend replies.
"Yeah," says the first guy, "but where would I find a fake car?"

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Scottish blood

An Arab Sheik was admitted to the Hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery,
the doctors needed to have some of his blood type stored in case the need a transfusion.

 

As the gentleman had an extremely rare type of blood that couldn't be found locally,
the ...

Diamond ad companies

Diamonds are forever

Diamonds will take her breath away

Diamonds will render her speechless

What they really mean,

diamonds, that'll shut her up!

Credit: Ron white

Against my wishes my son has gone and had a tattoo of a heart, a spade, a club and a diamond.

I'll deal with him later.

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A man was driving down the road when his car breaks down near a monastery.

He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?" The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before.

...

As we were driving down the road, "Sweet Caroline" came on the radio. I said to my son, "Little known fact, Neil Diamond used to be called Neil Coal."

"Until the pressure got to him."

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Not having sex tonight

One evening last week,my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well,the passion starts to heat up,and she eventually says,‘I don‘t feel like it,I just want you to hold me.‘

I said,‘WHAT??!! What was that?!‘

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear.... <...

Fact, when you find diamonds, old coins or anything of value on your property, it belongs to the government.

But, if the police find drugs, they belong to you.

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A woman in a jewelers admiring a big diamond ring. As she leans down for a closer look a little fart slips out. Hoping nobody noticed she asks "how much is that one?"

The jeweler says "Madam, if you farted looking at it, you'll shit yourself when I tell you the price"

Wife comes home one day wearing a brand new diamond tennis bracelet.

Husband asked were she got it from. She tells him she won a raffle at work, than ask him to get a hot bath ready for her.
Not thinking to much about, the husband gets her bath ready.
A week later the wife comes home with a mink coat on. Again the husband asked were she got it from. She again...

For her birthday, my wife asked for "something with diamonds".

I gave her a pack of playing cards.

She's my ex-wife now.

Why Do Most Diamonds Look So Similar?

They're all just carbon copies of each other.

I bought a volvo from Neil Diamond on eBay...

Swede car online!

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A man is like a deck of playing cards

A woman once said, " a man is like a deck of playing cards ...you need :

**A Heart** to love him,

**A Diamond** to marry him,

**A Club** to smash his fucking head in, and

**A Spade** to bury the prick.

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A rich man and a poor man have the same wedding anniversary

so they decide to go shopping at Madison avenue for their wives.

So the poor man asks the rich man "what did you get your wife this year?"

Rich man says " I got her a Huge diamond ring and a brand new Mercedes".

So the poor man asks the rich man "why did you get her both for?"...

I always listen to Neil Diamond during the holidays.

He’s got sweet carol lines.

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A poor man meets a rich man around Christmas......

The poor man asks the rich man, "What are you getting your wife this Christmas?" The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Mercedes." The poor man asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange th...

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Why was the diamond so good at sex?

Coz diamonds last forever

My wife said nothing would make her happier than a diamond necklace.

So I bought her nothing.

What do you and a diamond have in common

You can both be sold for a lot of money

If you apply enough heat and pressure to Kid Rock...

he turns into Neil Diamond.

My wife's birthday is in two days, and she told me that she would be happy as long as I get her something with a lot of diamonds in it.

She's gonna love this pack of playing cards.

Three priests walk into a bar.

"I'm glad you're here." Says the barwoman. "I lost my precious diamond brooch. Would you please pray for me to find it?"

The first priest sits down. After a minute, he stands up, clutches his head and chants "Oh Lord, show mercy to Your maid servant, return that which she lost."

"What ...

A middle-aged guy is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her 40th birthday. He says: “So what would you like, Julie? A Jaguar? A sable coat? A diamond necklace?”

“Bernie,” she says. “I want a divorce”.

“My goodness,” he says. “I wasn’t planning on spending that much.”

Boss hired a secretary

10 days later the Boss *committed suicide* by jumping from his 27th floor office...

Police : Who was there at that time in the room ?


Secretary : I was there.


Police :What happened ? Why did he commit suicide ?


Secretary :He was a good man. One day he bought ...

Like A Diamond

Tom and his two best friends, Jerry and Bill, are talking.

“You know fellas,” said Tom, “the other day I heard this guy say to his crush that he always had to wear sunscreen and shades around her.”

“Why was that” asked Jerry

“Because she was too hot”

“And the shades?” ask...

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Two old southern bells are having iced tea

They are reminiscing of their younger years on their wraparound porch of an 18th century plantation home.


The first lady recounts in a charming antebellum drawl: "You see these earrings? These 24k gold diamond earrings? My husband got me these on our 5th anniversary."


The seco...

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Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of new space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all ot...

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A banker a biker and a lawyer walk into a bar....

They're all buddies who coincidentally have the same wedding anniversary. So they all grab a drink and discuss what they got their wives as wedding anniversary gifts. Banker takes a sip of his scotch and says for our anniversary I got her a string of the finest pearls and a brand new Mercedes so if ...

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[long] So this guy is working at his jewelry store when a little guy walks in with a stunning, beautiful girl

The jeweler helps the odd couple and keeps showing them all kinds of jewelry. It's the first time he sees this guy, so he pushes the typical, "most affordable" stuff, but the guy doesn't seem to concerned about the prices so he continues showing them even more expensive stuff.

After almost a...

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A man's car breaks down in Tibet..

A man's car breaks down in Tibet, and wouldn't you know it? His phone gets no service. So he walks up a long windy road to a huge monastery at the top of the hill. He knocks at the reinforced double doors and a Tibetan monk after some minutes finally opens.

"My car broke down. Do you...

Our problems are like diamonds

we inflate their value because we don't understand how many they have in Africa

Despite my major dislike of tattoos, my wife recently got one of a club, diamond, heart and spade

I just can't deal with it

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An innocent young woman is sitting with her mother before going to spend the night with her boyfriend.

She is nervous about what's going to happen because the man is her first boyfriend and the first time she'll ever spend a night away from home.

Her overly protective mother looks meaningfully into her daughter's eyes and said, "Honey, when you go to bed tonight, your boyfriend is going to wan...

How did the diamond find a girlfriend?

Carbon dating.

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There are two old ladies at a park. One is rich while the other one is poor. It was the Rich lady's birthday last week.

"my husband got me a diamond ring for my birthday" says the rich lady

"that's nice!" says the poor lady

"he also got me a Mercedes C class" says the rich lady

"that's nice!" says the poor lady

"so what did yours get you?" asks the rich lady

"a book about anger mana...

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Two delicate blossoms of Southern femininity, one from Mississippi and the other from Texas....

were conversing on the porch swing of a large white-pillared mansion. The Mississippian said, "When my first child was born, my husband built this beautiful mansion for me."

The Texan lady commented, "Well, isn't that nice?"

The lady from Mississippi continued, "When my second child wa...

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A wife woke up one morning after a long restful sleep......

She stretches, and turns to her husband and says, “you know, I had the weirdest dream! I dreamt that you gave me a diamond necklace! What do you think my dream means?”
The husband thoughtfully responds “well, you’ll know tonight!”
Later that evening, the husband comes home with a tiny packag...

You are like an uncut diamond

Cheap

Husband: "I'm getting you diamonds for our anniversary" - Wife: "Nothing would please me more"

Husband: *Gets her nothing instead*

Just remembered a classic from my childhood

When I say childhood, I mean from the playground at primary school.

3 men are out for a walk when a man approaches them.

"Come with me, I have a magic slide. Whatever you shout as you slide down it, you will land in"

The first man climbed into the slide "Gold!" He shouted and la...

An elderly couple are having dinner at a restaurant ....

An elderly couple are having dinner at their favorite 4 star restaurant when a gorgeous blonde walks up says "Hey babY!" , plants a kiss on the mans cheek and walks away .

His wife looks over at him and says "Who was that ?"

The man calmly replies" oh her ? That's my mistress"
...

Why would an imitation diamond remind you of St. Patrick's Day?

Because it's a shamrock.

Just got a diamond ring for my girlfriend

Fair trade if you ask me

If diamonds are a girl's best friend, and dogs are man's best friend...

...then David Bowie is everyone's best friend.

My heart is like a diamond

Cold, hard and has it's value artificially inflated because of a few select individuals

If minecraft taught me one thing...

It's to never spend diamonds on a hoe.

So I asked my girlfriend what she would want for her birthday next week

She said: "Well, I dreamt of a golden ring with lots of small diamonds."

I asked her: "What do you think it means?"

She smiled and said: "I don't know..."

Flash forward to her birthday, with all our family members at the table, I gave her my present.

I still don't know w...

Diamonds are a girl's best friend.

Diamond Princess is a viruses best friend.

In my past life, I was a warrior for an Indian Tribe, and was madly in love with the chiefs daughter

In this tribe we were named after the first thing our mothers saw when we were born. And His daughter, Lily Petal, was absolutely beautiful, and everyday I sighed knowing there was nothing I could do to ever win her attention. I was just boring old Falling Rock, a nobody warrior.

But one day,...

Two friends were talking to each other in a bar...

"I bought my wife a diamond ring for her birthday!", one man proudly exclaimed.



"I thought you said that you were buying her a new car," the other questioned.



"Yeah, but where was I gonna find a fake car?"

Why did the killer whale go to jail for stealing all the diamonds?

He’s the one that orca-strated the heist!

Lucy, In the Sky, With Diamonds…

John Lennon, proving he was a terrible Clue player…

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A guy walks into a bar on Valentine's Day and orders a beer.

A guy walks into a bar on Valentine's Day and orders a beer. "Last night my wife woke me up to tell me that she dreamed that I bought her a big, expensive diamond ring for Valentine's Day, and she wondered if that dream meant anything." "What did you tell her?" the bartender asks. "I gave her a pass...

I bought a guitar made out of diamond..

now I can play some hard rock.

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Diamonds are the only thing in the natural world that can cut themselves...

I think someone should book them a therapist.

I bought my wife a beautiful diamond ring for her birthday.

A friend of mine said, “I thought she wanted one of those pretty 4-wheel drive vehicles?”


“She did,” I replied, “But where in the world was I going to find a fake jeep!”

I like my men like I like my diamonds

Perfectly cut and hard as a rock

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A lesson in etiquette

Three sophisticated southern women sit together at a country club, Eliza, Josephine, and Isabelle.

Eliza says to the other two, "You know girls, my husband bought me the most wonderful jewelry for our anniversary. A lavish diamond necklace and some beautiful earrings."

"How wonderful!...

The only thing harder than diamonds

a redneck at his family reunion

A couple were in a busy shopping center just before Christmas.

The husband wandered off as she was standing in line, saying something about being back in a little bit.

After getting through the line, the husband wasn't back yet and since they still had more shopping to do, the wife called him on the mobile. The wife said, "Where are you?"

He said,...

This guy was shopping in town with his wife on Christmas Eve.

They got separated so she called him on his phone and said: "Where are you?" The guy said, "Do you remember that little jewelry store we went to last year where you saw the diamond bracelet that you loved but I didn't have enough money to buy it?" She said "Yes! Yes! I remember!" So the guy said, "I...

The wife comes home and has $5000 in cash.

When her husband asks, “Where did that come from?”

She replies, “I won it in a lottery!”

To which he replies, “That’s great! Let’s go celebrate.”

The next day she comes home with a full-length mink coat.

Again the husband asks, “Where did that come from?”

She says,...

Taking a nap

sorry for bad English

in the afternoon after having lunch ... The wife's taking a nap while her husband is siting on the chair reading his book. a moment later wife is awaken by the dream and reach him

wife: honey! i had a dream you got me a set of brand new diamond jewelry .... is i...

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This guy wants to get laid and is trying to figure out how to impress the woman he's with.

They walk past a shoe store and the woman says, "Wow. If you get me those shoes, I'll give you a hand job." So the guy sees a brick on the sidewalk, smashes the window and gets the shoes." A few minutes later, they pass a fur store and she says, "If you get me that mink stole, I'll blow you." So the...

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Why are dicks like Diamonds?

Massive oversupply with artificial market restrictions in place. Everyone who has one thinks they are unique, and if one is in your hand you’re expected to mention its size,

and fake ones are often just as good

Why did the archaeologist ask a diamond out to dinner?

Because of his enthusiasm for Carbon-Dating.

Some African animals playing cards in Las Vegas.

Lion: Stop taking extremely quick glances at my card, you're a cheetah!

Cheetah: No, your Lion!

Warthog: You guys are just ignoring the guy with the super long nose who can suck up cards while nobody notices.

Elephant: Well I wouldn't be so hungry for cards if you weren't HOGGIN...

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Oh, how nice (A joke from my 96 year old great-grandmother-in-law)

Two women are in the hospital. Their labor has started, but not progressed enough for delivery, so they are in a room waiting together.

"Is this your first child?" says the older woman.

"No," says the younger woman. "I have another."

"I have three." Continues the older woman. "A...

Dad said

Wife: "In my dream, I saw you in a jewelry store and you bought me a diamond ring."
Husband: "I had the same dream and I saw your dad paying the bill."

Leprechaun's Lucky Rainbow

Three men find a Leprechaun and he says, "I will snap my fingers and we will be at the top of my rainbow." With a quick snap the men are on the rainbow.

The Leprechaun then says, "As you slide down the rainbow, yell out what you want and it will appear at the bottom."

The first man sli...

My family keeps telling me that when I die I should have my ashes made into a diamond

There's a lot of pressure

Born and bred in Manhattan Larry and Gene left the city to buy a cat cattle ranch in Wyoming.

Months later a friend flew out for a visit, “so what did you name the ranch,”he asked.

“At first we couldn’t agree on anything”said the new cowboy, “we finally settled on the Double R Lazy L Triple Horseshoe Bar-7 Lucky Diamond Ranch”

Wow! his friend was impressed but looking around h...

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A woman visited an Amazonian tribe on a research trip...

She spent several days taking notes on the lifestyle and habits of the tribe and interviewing their ruler, King Paolo, via an interpreter. As the tribe's land was near several rich gold mines, the king and his people were extremely wealthy.

During the woman's time with him, the king fell hop...

Your guy didn't know any puns about colourful, diamond patterned socks.

But argyle know some.

Have you ever seen ....

I've been saving these to send to my grandsons. The more the merrier - feel free to add your own.

A horse *fly*?

A goldfish *bowl*?

A shoe *box*?

A floor *mop*?

A cat *fish*?

A spelling *bee*?

A chimney *sweep*?

A chicken *strip*?

A monk...

Kid: why is my cousin named Diamond?

Mother: because your auntie really loves diamonds

Kid: well what about my name?

Mother: never mind about that Richard.

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Hearts, diamonds, clubs, spades... oh? Looks like this house of cards has a fifth suit.

Sexual harassment suit.

Our dog accidentally swallowed my wife's wedding ring.

Now we have a diamond in the ruff.

A man's car breaks down outside of a monastery.

A man is driving home from a buisness trip. As he has a pretty low paying job, he doesn't have the best of cars.

After a few hours of driving, he drives past a monastery.

Unfortunately his car breaks down right in front of the monastery.

Being a man of God, he obviously figures...

A group of movie producers are working on the next avengers/MCU movie

Producer 1: Does anyone have any ideas for the villain?

Producer 2: Ok, how about a 14 foot tall, flaming eye-ball, with poison swords for arms, who shoots lasers from his feet, and has a pet llama made of diamonds

Head producer: You’re over-thinking this, let’s just keep it low-key

Two men, Mark and Steve and a woman were having a threesome

And suddenly they hear the woman's husband pulling into drive way. Startled, men could not find proper places to hide. Mark goes into cupboard and Steve climbs into attic, hoping that husband wouldn't notice.

Husband enters the bedroom, sees his wife lying naked and goes into bed with her. Fe...

A man gifted his wife a diamond necklace for their anniversary and then his wife didn't speak to him for 6 months.

Was the neclace fake?

No. That was deal!

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