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Why was the diamond so good at sex?

Coz diamonds last forever

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A woman in a jewelers admiring a big diamond ring. As she leans down for a closer look a little fart slips out. Hoping nobody noticed she asks "how much is that one?"

The jeweler says "Madam, if you farted looking at it, you'll shit yourself when I tell you the price"

How did the diamond find a girlfriend?

Carbon dating.

As we were driving down the road, "Sweet Caroline" came on the radio. I said to my son, "Little known fact, Neil Diamond used to be called Neil Coal."

"Until the pressure got to him."

Lucy, In the Sky, With Diamonds…

John Lennon, proving he was a terrible Clue player…

You are like an uncut diamond

Cheap

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Captain America and a Grammar Nazi are working for a diamond mine

Captain America and a Grammar Nazi are working for a diamond mine, and they have a meeting with a consultant. The consultant tells them that the mine is flooding the market with too many cheap diamonds, and their income is dropping as a result.

Captain America says, "Well, if you're correct, ...

I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday.....

She said "Nothing would make me happier than a pair of diamond earrings" so I got her nothing

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A plane has engine failure and starts to go down.

A White woman jumps out of her seat and grabs her bag and starts putting on all her make-up.  When people asked what the hell she is doing. She said, "when planes crash, they find the pretty women first!"


A Mexican woman hears that and jumps out of her seat. She grabs her bag and starts p...

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A woman visited an Amazonian tribe on a research trip...

She spent several days taking notes on the lifestyle and habits of the tribe and interviewing their ruler, King Paolo, via an interpreter. As the tribe's land was near several rich gold mines, the king and his people were extremely wealthy.

During the woman's time with him, the king fell hop...

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Diamonds are the only thing in the natural world that can cut themselves...

I think someone should book them a therapist.

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NO SEX TONIGHT!

I've never quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women differ so much.

And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing or why men think with their head and women with their heart.

For example… One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed.

We...

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What could possibly be making such a seductive sound?

A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he he...

My boyfriend bought me a diamond ring

The stone was cut in the shape of a four leaf clover. I wore it all the time to show how much it meant to me.

One day, I got curious and had it valued at a jeweller's. Unfortunately they told me that my boyfriend had been swindled, as the diamond was actually a cubic zirconia.

It was ...

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The Rich Man and The Poor Man

Tony tells this in an episode of The Sopranos:

A rich man and a poor man have the same wedding anniversary. Every year they meet on Madison Avenue, when they're shopping for their wives. The poor man says to the rich man, "What'd you get your wife this year?" Rich man says, "I got her a huge ...

A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Hanukkah.

After hearing about this extravagant gift, a friend of his says, “I thought she wanted one of those sporty four-wheel-drive vehicles.”



“She did,” he replies. “But where was I going to find a fake Jeep?”

Why did the killer whale go to jail for stealing all the diamonds?

He’s the one that orca-strated the heist!

My wife's birthday is in two days, and she told me that she would be happy as long as I get her something with a lot of diamonds in it.

She's gonna love this pack of playing cards.

Just bought a Volvo from Neil Diamond on eBay.....

Swede car online

Wife: I just had a dream that you bought me a diamond necklace.

Husband: go back to sleep and wear it.

If diamonds are a girl's best friend, and dogs are man's best friend...

...then David Bowie is everyone's best friend.

Why would an imitation diamond remind you of St. Patrick's Day?

Because it's a shamrock.

My grandpa’s last wish is that we should convert his ashes into a diamond.

That’s a lot of pressure.

I bought a guitar made out of diamond..

now I can play some hard rock.

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A homeless man meets a rich man on Christmas Eve

The homeless man asks the rich man, "What'd ya get for your wife this year?" The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Tesla." The homelesa man asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange them....

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"Well isn't that nice"

Three old ladies were sitting at a table playing bridge and talking about their Anniversaries...

Lady 1: My husband bought me this beautiful diamond necklace

Lady 2: Ooo pretty

Lady 3: Well isn't that nice

Lady 2: well my husband bought me this stunning bracelet

La...

What do you call an egg made of gold and diamonds?

Eggspensive!

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An Arab Sheik was admitted to Hospital for heart surgery....

But prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store some blood in case a need arose.

As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so the call went out.

Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for th...

My heart is like a diamond

Cold, hard and has it's value artificially inflated because of a few select individuals

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Oh, how nice (A joke from my 96 year old great-grandmother-in-law)

Two women are in the hospital. Their labor has started, but not progressed enough for delivery, so they are in a room waiting together.

"Is this your first child?" says the older woman.

"No," says the younger woman. "I have another."

"I have three." Continues the older woman. "A...

A woman goes to an artist to have her portrait painted

She tells the artist that she wants him to paint her wearing lots expensive jewelry. Diamonds, gold, pearls, Etc.

The artist says, "But you aren't wearing any."

She replies, "I know, I don't own any either. But if I die, my husband is the kind of man that will get remarried right away...

Marriage is like a game of poker

At first you have two hearts and a diamond
By the end all you want is a club and spade

I like my men like I like my diamonds

Perfectly cut and hard as a rock

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Two men are walking through the desert and stumble across a big rock

- Hey, what a weird rock!

- Yes, it looks like a pyramid!

They both dig and discover a huge pyramid.

- Shit! It's a giant pyramid!

- What do we do with this?

- We should notify the American archaeological team. These people are professional and I'm sure they'l...

Our problems are like diamonds

we inflate their value because we don't understand how many they have in Africa

Husband: I'm getting you diamonds for our anniversary

Wife: Nothing will please me more

Husband: *Gets her nothing instead*

Judy walks into a dinner party with a much older man.

At dinner, the lady sitting next to the woman turns to her and says, "My, that's a beautiful diamond you're wearing. In fact, I think it's the most beautiful diamond I have ever seen!"

"Thank you," replies Judy. "This is the Plotnick Diamond."

"The Plotnick Diamond? Is there a story to...

Why did the carbon boy turn into diamond?

Peer pressure at school

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A lady walks into Tiffany's...

A lady walks into Tiffany's...she looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it.

As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little toot and prays that a salesperso...

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A guy was recruited for the first settlement on another planet....

The Settlement Chief met him on the landing site.

"This place is going to take some getting used to. It's like a mirror version of Earth. The elements which are rare on Earth are the most abundant here while the common elements are extremely rare."

"So why are we here then," the guy a...

The Mood Ring

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring so he would be able to monitor my feelings.
We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green.
When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big old red mark on his forehead.
Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.

A couple...

A couple were Christmas shopping. The shopping centre was packed and as the wife walked around she discover that her husband was nowhere to be seen.

She was quite upset because they had a lot to do, and hence she became so worried that she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where ...

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Why are dicks like Diamonds?

Massive oversupply with artificial market restrictions in place. Everyone who has one thinks they are unique, and if one is in your hand you’re expected to mention its size,

and fake ones are often just as good

Wife: "In my dream, I saw you in a jewelry store and you bought me a diamond ring."

Husband: "I had the same dream and I saw your dad paying the bill."

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If Hitler were alive today, he'd hate playing Minecraft

Whenever he'd start mining diamonds, his generals would yell out "mine fewer!"

A middle aged guy and his teenage daughter were riding a motor bike

and taking a shortcut through a darkened park when they were stopped by a gang of muggers. They searched them and took the guys wallet, his watch and the motorbike but couldn’t find any jewelry from the girl.When the muggers had gone, the guy asked his daughter; “Did they take your new diamond ring ...

Just got a diamond ring for my girlfriend

Fair trade if you ask me

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Three friends find a magical pool in the forest.

The magical inscription beside it says "Run at this pool and jump in while screaming your desire. The pool shall be filled with whatever you wish for."

The first guy, being the sensible one, ran straight at it and shouted "MONEY!!!" True enough, he landed in a pool of cash up to his neck. Bag...

If Minecraft has ever taught us anything...

It’s that you shouldn’t spend diamonds on hoes

A New Metal has been added to Chemistry

Name: Woman
Symbol: Wm
Atomic mass: Light when first found... tends to get heavier with time.


**PHYSICAL PROPERTIES**

- Boils at any time
- Can freeze at any time
- Melts if treated with love
- Very Bitter if Mishandled


**CHEMICAL PROPERTIES** ...

Ladder to Success

A man falls asleep one night with depressing thoughts of his failures in life; never has he been able to provide for his family what he wants them to have. He wakes up the next morning on the floor of a room with only a white painted ceiling and floor. No walls. Just clouds as far as he can see. In ...

My son just got a tattoo of a heart, a spade, a club, and a diamond, all without my permission.

I guess I'll deal with him later.

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Queen Elizabeth and Lady Di are out for a drive in the royal car on a Sunday afternoon, and they slow down when they see a man by the roadside signaling for help.

But no sooner has the car come to a stop than he springs to the door, pulls out a gun, and orders them both out of the car. "Queen Elizabeth," he snarls, "hand over that snazzy diamond tiara you're always wearing."

"I'm terribly sorry, my good man," says the queen, "but I'm afraid I don't wea...

The only thing harder than diamonds

a redneck at his family reunion

Your guy didn't know any puns about colourful, diamond patterned socks.

But argyle know some.

What do you call it when a dog swallowed a diamond?

A diamond in the ruff!

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At a Sunday family lunch, a daughter, good student aged 20, announces that she is pregnant.

Father drops the fork and knife in shock. Mother looks at her in total disbelief. None of them are able to say a word for couple of seconds, before yelling starts... What was she thinking about? Of course she does not plan to keep it? They invested so much in her education, how could she do this? Wh...

Why did the archaeologist ask a diamond out to dinner?

Because of his enthusiasm for Carbon-Dating.

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Hearts, diamonds, clubs, spades... oh? Looks like this house of cards has a fifth suit.

Sexual harassment suit.

A man gifted his wife a diamond necklace for their anniversary and then his wife didn't speak to him for 6 months.

Was the neclace fake?

No. That was deal!

A man hands his girlfriend a small package on Christmas morning, the size of a jewelry box.

The woman gets incredibly excited and rips the package open to find a deck of playing cards.

“What the heck is this?” she yells and throws the deck of cards into the man’s lap. “What?” the man responds. “You said all you wanted for Christmas was something with diamonds in it!”

My family keeps telling me that when I die I should have my ashes made into a diamond

There's a lot of pressure

Kid: why is my cousin named Diamond?

Mother: because your auntie really loves diamonds

Kid: well what about my name?

Mother: never mind about that Richard.

An officer pulls over a man and a woman for driving their late-model Mercedes coupe 20 miles per hour over the posted speed limit.

The officer approaches the car, seeing an affluent-looking late-50s gentleman behind the wheel and a striking woman at least 20 years younger—and bearing a diamond on her left ring finger worth at least a year of the officer's salary—in the passenger seat.

"I stopped you because you were goin...

My friends found a cool racing game.

Recently my friends and I found an interesting new game, it’s sort of like a mix of an MMORPG and a racing game. You play as a car and you level up and get cool new gear and it makes you better and also looks cooler.

Anyway, we played this game for quite a while, slowly improving and getting ...

"When you wife asked you to buy her car, why did you buy her a diamond instead?"

"Because I couldn't find a fake car."

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Old man goes to the doctor...

An older gentleman goes to the doctor and tells him he has erectile dysfunction. The doc scratches his chin, and then snaps his fingers.

"I've got just the thing for you! This is a new medicine; just cleared clinical trials. You'll feel like you're twenty again!"

"Anything to get me ba...

One day, the wife comes home with a spectacular diamond ring

"Where did you get that ring?" her husband asks.
"Well," she replies, "my boss and I played the lotto and we won, so I bought it with my share of the winnings."
A week later, his wife comes home with a long shiny fur coat. "Where did you get that coat?" her husband asks.
She replies, "My bo...

It’s my wife’s birthday tomorrow.

Last week, I asked her what she wanted for her birthday present.




“Oh, I don’t know,” she said. “Just give me something with diamonds.”




That’s why I’m giving her a pack of playing cards.

A Welshman an Irishman and an Englishman walk into a park,

they see a slide, but this is no ordinary slide, this slide is magic, as anything you say going down the slide is what you will land in, so the Irishman goes first "A POT OF GOLD" he yells as he slides down the slide, and he lands in a pot of gold, the Welshman next "POT OF DIAMONDS" yells just as l...

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An actor, a businessman and a redneck

An actor, a businessman and a redneck are sitting in a bar on Christmas eve. The actor says, "I got my wife the perfect gift. A dress and a diamond necklace. That way if she doesn't like dress she has a diamond necklace."

The business man says, "I got my wife a new sweater and a ring. That wa...

A man walks through the African wild lands and sees an elephant in distress.

He goes close to it but slowly, knowing that they can become enraged very quickly. Upon closing in on it, the elephant stops trumpeting and looks at the man. There was a minute of intense staring between the two, the man noticed an obvious mark on one of its tusks like a tiny dark grey diamond. Slow...

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The beautiful secretary of the president of a bank goes on a sight-seeing tour with a very rich African king who was a very important client.

The client, out of the blue, suddenly asks her to marry him. Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback. However, she remembers what her boss told her, ...don't reject the guy outright.

So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the businessman from wanting to marry her. After a few minut...

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A woman walks into a fancy and very expensive jewellery store.

She browses around and spots a beautiful diamond necklace. Curious, she walks over to inspect it.

As she bends over to take a closer look, she accidentally and unexpectedly farts.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously and hopes that no one noticed or heard her little accident....

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Pop your finger in and see if she's done

Okay so there's this guy, let's call him Brad. He's cooking with his wife's Uncle on thanksgiving, let's call him Lenny. Lenny pulls a Pumpkin Pie out of the oven and is like "Hmm... I dunno, I've never been too good with these things, can neeeever tell if it's fully cooked."

So Brad's like "...

What do you call a fake Irish diamond?

A shamrock.

Once upon a time there lived a king.

The king had a beautiful daughter. There was a problem though – everything the princess touched would melt. It didn’t matter what it was made of: metal, wood, stone… anything she touched would melt.

Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her. The king despaired. What...

A woman introduces her boyfriend to her parents.

A woman has her boyfriend meet her parents.

The father of the woman and the boyfriend then have a discussion at a Catholic Bible Study:

Father: “What do you do for a living?”

Boyfriend: “I am a Biblical Scholar.”

Father: “A Biblical scholar, huh? How will you provide for ...

What do you call two diamonds in a healthy relationship?

Carbon dating

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