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Diamond Jokes

My boyfriend bought me a diamond ring

The stone was cut in the shape of a four leaf clover. I wore it all the time to show how much it meant to me.

One day, I got curious and had it valued at a jeweller's. Unfortunately they told me that my boyfriend had been swindled, as the diamond was actually a cubic zirconia.

It was ...

If minecraft taught me one thing...

It's to never spend diamonds on a hoe.

What's the easiest way to cut a diamond's value in half?

Buy it.

Fake diamonds should be illegal…

…after all, they’re “carbon copies.”

My wife's birthday is in two days, and she told me that she would be happy as long as I get her something with a lot of diamonds in it.

She's gonna love this pack of playing cards.

My grandfather’s last wishes was that we convert his ashes into a diamond.

That’s a lot of pressure.

I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday. She told me that nothing would make her happier than a diamond necklace.

So I bought her nothing.

Bought my wife a beautiful big diamond ring.

She asked, "Why didn't you buy me a new car ?"

I told her, "They don't make fake cars."

Neil Diamond used to be called Neil Coal…

… Until the pressure got to him.

As we were driving down the road, "Sweet Caroline" came on the radio. I said to my son, "Little known fact, Neil Diamond used to be called Neil Coal."

"Until the pressure got to him."

A young boy asks him mum why his cousin is named Diamond...

His mother replies "because your auntie loves Diamonds"

He replies "what about me?"

She responds "enough question Richard"

My wife told me over breakfast she dreamed I'd given her a diamond ring

"I wonder what it means," she said.

I smiled but said nothing and left for work.

That evening I brought her a small gift-wrapped package. Oh you should have seen how excited she was! Brought a tear to my eye.

She opened the present with trembling hands: a little book titled "How...

I bought a diamond ring on St. Patricks day but found out it was a fake

They gave me a sham rock

Our problems are like diamonds

we inflate their value because we don't understand how many they have in Africa

Marriage is like a deck of cards. At first it's all hearts and diamonds

Then you are in your garage looking for a club and a spade.

Husband: "I'm getting you diamonds for our anniversary" - Wife: "Nothing would please me more"

Husband: *Gets her nothing instead*

Diamond ad companies

Diamonds are forever

Diamonds will take her breath away

Diamonds will render her speechless

What they really mean,

diamonds, that'll shut her up!

Credit: Ron white

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Why was the diamond so good at sex?

Coz diamonds last forever

If the government finds diamonds in your backyard it's theirs...

... but if they find drugs, then it's yours?

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George claims that his dick is the "Hardest Dick In The World!"

George will pay anyone $5000 cash to anyone who can bring him something absolutely harder than his dick.


One man brings a basketball-sized boulder. George easily smashes the boulder with his dick. The man picks up the boulder pieces and angrily walks off.


A second man brings a ...

Husband and wife are shopping...

A Husband and Wife went shopping together just before Christmas. The wife quickly noticed that her husband was missing and because they had a lot to do she called him on his cell phone.
After the husband picked up the phone his wife said " Where are you, you know we have lots to do!"
He sa...

The only thing harder than diamonds

a redneck at his family reunion

"Oh, what a beautiful diamond ring! I've never seen it's like!"

...said the young woman.

"Really?!" said the much older woman. "This is the famous Hershfield diamond."

Amazed, the young woman said, "I'm so jealous."

"Don't be. It comes with a horrific curse!"

"A curse?" asked the younger woman. "What's that?"

"Sam Hershfield"

Hey girl are you a diamond pick?

Cause I'm as hard as obsidian

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3 stoners buy a horse

They go home with the horse and make it stay in the living room.

One of the friends pull out a bong and they all take hits until they're stoned.

While stoned they come up with an idea to have fun with the horse.

They attach a feeding muzzle onto the horse and funnel in smoke fro...

What do you and a diamond have in common

You can both be sold for a lot of money

Why did the archaeologist ask a diamond out to dinner?

Because of his enthusiasm for Carbon-Dating.

I bought my wife a beautiful diamond ring for her birthday.

A friend of mine said, “I thought she wanted one of those pretty 4-wheel drive vehicles?”


“She did,” I replied, “But where in the world was I going to find a fake jeep!”

I bought a used Volvo from Neil Diamond on Autotrader....

Swede car online.

I always listen to Neil Diamond during the holidays.

He’s got sweet carol lines.

How did the diamond find a girlfriend?

Carbon dating.

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Scottish blood

An Arab Sheik was admitted to the hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to have some of his blood type stored in case the need arose. As the gentleman had an extremely rare type of blood that couldn't be found locally, the call went out around the world.

...

My heart is like a diamond

Cold, hard and has it's value artificially inflated because of a few select individuals

Wife comes home one day wearing a brand new diamond tennis bracelet.

Husband asked were she got it from. She tells him she won a raffle at work, than ask him to get a hot bath ready for her.
Not thinking to much about, the husband gets her bath ready.
A week later the wife comes home with a mink coat on. Again the husband asked were she got it from. She again...

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A poor man and rich man

The poor man asks the rich man, "What are you getting your wife this Christmas?" The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Mercedes." The poor man asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange th...

You are like an uncut diamond

Cheap

Lucy, In the Sky, With Diamonds…

John Lennon, proving he was a terrible Clue player…

I bought a guitar made out of diamond..

now I can play some hard rock.

Why would an imitation diamond remind you of St. Patrick's Day?

Because it's a shamrock.

Like A Diamond

Tom and his two best friends, Jerry and Bill, are talking.

“You know fellas,” said Tom, “the other day I heard this guy say to his crush that he always had to wear sunscreen and shades around her.”

“Why was that” asked Jerry

“Because she was too hot”

“And the shades?” ask...

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Why are dicks like Diamonds?

Massive oversupply with artificial market restrictions in place. Everyone who has one thinks they are unique, and if one is in your hand you’re expected to mention its size,

and fake ones are often just as good

A jewel

Mrs. Whembleton decided to have her portrait painted.

She told the artist, Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets and a ruby pendant.

But, Madam, you are not wearing any of those things.

True enough, said Mrs. Whembleton. If I should predecease...

I like my diamonds like I like my steak

Rare and Bloody

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Southern Charm

Two informally dressed ladies happened to start up a conversation during an endless wait in the LAX airport.

The first lady was an arrogant California woman married to a wealthy man. The second was a well mannered elderly woman from the South.

When the conversation centered on whether ...

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What did your husband get YOU?

Three southern belles stood together gossiping. The topic of discussion were gifts from their husbands. Here's how it went.

Pointing at a house on top of a hill, the first southern belle boasts, "Y'all ain't never seen a house like that. My husband built me that there house!" The second south...

Why did the killer whale go to jail for stealing all the diamonds?

He’s the one that orca-strated the heist!

What do you call it when a dog swallowed a diamond?

A diamond in the ruff!

If diamonds are a girl's best friend, and dogs are man's best friend...

...then David Bowie is everyone's best friend.

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Oh, how nice (A joke from my 96 year old great-grandmother-in-law)

Two women are in the hospital. Their labor has started, but not progressed enough for delivery, so they are in a room waiting together.

"Is this your first child?" says the older woman.

"No," says the younger woman. "I have another."

"I have three." Continues the older woman. "A...

Fact, when you find diamonds, old coins or anything of value on your property, it belongs to the government.

But, if the police find drugs, they belong to you.

So I asked my girlfriend what she would want for her birthday next week

She said: "Well, I dreamt of a golden ring with lots of small diamonds."

I asked her: "What do you think it means?"

She smiled and said: "I don't know..."

Flash forward to her birthday, with all our family members at the table, I gave her my present.

I still don't know w...

Diamonds are a girl's best friend.

Diamond Princess is a viruses best friend.

I like my men like I like my diamonds

Perfectly cut and hard as a rock

What do you call a fake Irish diamond?

A shamrock.

Wife: I just had a dream that you bought me a diamond necklace.

Husband: go back to sleep and wear it.

Against my wishes my son has gone and had a tattoo of a heart, a spade, a club and a diamond.

I'll deal with him later.

Every evening, after they were finished with their work at the diamond mines, on their way home to their cottage, the seven dwarves would stop at a bar.

The bartender knew that the dwarves all liked hazelnut daiquiris, so every time the dwarves arrived at the bar, he would make sure that they all had hazelnut daiquiris.

One afternoon, when the bartender was making the daiquiris, he realized that he only had enough hazelnut extract to make six...

Despite my major dislike of tattoos, my wife recently got one of a club, diamond, heart and spade

I just can't deal with it

Your guy didn't know any puns about colourful, diamond patterned socks.

But argyle know some.

One day, the wife comes home with a spectacular diamond ring

"Where did you get that ring?" her husband asks.
"Well," she replies, "my boss and I played the lotto and we won, so I bought it with my share of the winnings."
A week later, his wife comes home with a long shiny fur coat. "Where did you get that coat?" her husband asks.
She replies, "My bo...

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A woman in a jewelers admiring a big diamond ring. As she leans down for a closer look a little fart slips out. Hoping nobody noticed she asks "how much is that one?"

The jeweler says "Madam, if you farted looking at it, you'll shit yourself when I tell you the price"

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Diamonds are the only thing in the natural world that can cut themselves...

I think someone should book them a therapist.

Why was the little boy crying at the diamond store?

He went to Jared

A husband and wife are having dinner...

A husband and wife are having dinner at a very fine restaurant when an absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away. ‪‪ The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who in the hell was that?" "Oh," r...

Two children pieces of graphite are playing with a diamond.....

...Mummy piece of graphite walks in and says "Leave your Father alone - he's been under a lot of pressure"

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Took a diamond ring to the jeweler for appraisal, but all he had was a child’s plastic magnifying glass. I had no choice but to give him a negative review on Yelp,

but I still felt bad that I knocked him for a loupe.

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No Sex Tonight !

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion started to heat up, but then she said "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she said the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear..."You're just...

My family keeps telling me that when I die I should have my ashes made into a diamond

There's a lot of pressure

What do you call two diamonds in a healthy relationship?

Carbon dating

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Hearts, diamonds, clubs, spades... oh? Looks like this house of cards has a fifth suit.

Sexual harassment suit.

A women took a nap on New Years Eve...

A women took a nap on New Years Eve.

When she woke up, she told her husband, “I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond ring for a New Year’s present. What do you think it all means?”

He replied, “Aha, you’ll know tonight!” At midnight, her husband handed her a small gift-wrapped pres...

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