Against my wishes my son has gone and had a tattoo of a heart, a spade, a club and a diamond.

I'll deal with him later.

I always listen to Neil Diamond during the holidays.

He’s got sweet carol lines.

I bought a volvo from Neil Diamond on eBay...

Swede car online!

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Not having sex tonight

One evening last week,my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well,the passion starts to heat up,and she eventually says,‘I don‘t feel like it,I just want you to hold me.‘

I said,‘WHAT??!! What was that?!‘

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear.... <...

If the government finds diamonds in your backyard it's theirs...

... but if they find drugs, then it's yours?

Hey girl are you a diamond pick?

Cause I'm as hard as obsidian

Marriage is like a deck of cards.

At the start you need a diamond and a heart but at the end you need a club and a spade.

My grandfather’s last wish was that we convert his ashes into a diamond.

That’s a lot of pressure.

As we were driving down the road, "Sweet Caroline" came on the radio. I said to my son, "Little known fact, Neil Diamond used to be called Neil Coal."

"Until the pressure got to him."

A middle-aged guy is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her 40th birthday. He says: “So what would you like, Julie? A Jaguar? A sable coat? A diamond necklace?”

“Bernie,” she says. “I want a divorce”.

“My goodness,” he says. “I wasn’t planning on spending that much.”

Fact, when you find diamonds, old coins or anything of value on your property, it belongs to the government.

But, if the police find drugs, they belong to you.

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A woman in a jewelers admiring a big diamond ring. As she leans down for a closer look a little fart slips out. Hoping nobody noticed she asks "how much is that one?"

The jeweler says "Madam, if you farted looking at it, you'll shit yourself when I tell you the price"

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Why was the diamond so good at sex?

Coz diamonds last forever

My wife said nothing would make her happier than a diamond necklace.

So I bought her nothing.

What do you and a diamond have in common

You can both be sold for a lot of money

Like A Diamond

Tom and his two best friends, Jerry and Bill, are talking.

“You know fellas,” said Tom, “the other day I heard this guy say to his crush that he always had to wear sunscreen and shades around her.”

“Why was that” asked Jerry

“Because she was too hot”

“And the shades?” ask...

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A lesson in etiquette

Three sophisticated southern women sit together at a country club, Eliza, Josephine, and Isabelle.

Eliza says to the other two, "You know girls, my husband bought me the most wonderful jewelry for our anniversary. A lavish diamond necklace and some beautiful earrings."

"How wonderful!...

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Took a diamond ring to the jeweler for appraisal, but all he had was a child’s plastic magnifying glass. I had no choice but to give him a negative review on Yelp,

but I still felt bad that I knocked him for a loupe.

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A Rich man and a poor man.

Rich man and a poor man, got the same wedding anniversary. standing on Madison Ave. shopping and talking about gifts. The poor man asks the rich man what he got his wife, and he says he got her a diamond ring and a Mercedes.

The poor man asks why, to which the rich man responds "if she dont l...

My boyfriend bought me a diamond ring

The stone was cut in the shape of a four leaf clover. I wore it all the time to show how much it meant to me.

One day, I got curious and had it valued at a jeweller's. Unfortunately they told me that my boyfriend had been swindled, as the diamond was actually a cubic zirconia.

It was ...

The wife comes home and has $5000 in cash.

When her husband asks, “Where did that come from?”

She replies, “I won it in a lottery!”

To which he replies, “That’s great! Let’s go celebrate.”

The next day she comes home with a full-length mink coat.

Again the husband asks, “Where did that come from?”

She says,...

Leprechaun's Lucky Rainbow

Three men find a Leprechaun and he says, "I will snap my fingers and we will be at the top of my rainbow." With a quick snap the men are on the rainbow.

The Leprechaun then says, "As you slide down the rainbow, yell out what you want and it will appear at the bottom."

The first man sli...

Born and bred in Manhattan Larry and Gene left the city to buy a cat cattle ranch in Wyoming.

Months later a friend flew out for a visit, “so what did you name the ranch,”he asked.

“At first we couldn’t agree on anything”said the new cowboy, “we finally settled on the Double R Lazy L Triple Horseshoe Bar-7 Lucky Diamond Ranch”

Wow! his friend was impressed but looking around h...

Despite my major dislike of tattoos, my wife recently got one of a club, diamond, heart and spade

I just can't deal with it

My wife's birthday is in two days, and she told me that she would be happy as long as I get her something with a lot of diamonds in it.

She's gonna love this pack of playing cards.

Have you ever seen ....

I've been saving these to send to my grandsons. The more the merrier - feel free to add your own.

A horse *fly*?

A goldfish *bowl*?

A shoe *box*?

A floor *mop*?

A cat *fish*?

A spelling *bee*?

A chimney *sweep*?

A chicken *strip*?

A monk...

A diamond is merely a lump of coal

that did well under pressure.

So I asked my girlfriend what she would want for her birthday next week

She said: "Well, I dreamt of a golden ring with lots of small diamonds."

I asked her: "What do you think it means?"

She smiled and said: "I don't know..."

Flash forward to her birthday, with all our family members at the table, I gave her my present.

I still don't know w...

Diamonds are a girl's best friend.

Diamond Princess is a viruses best friend.

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A poor man meets a rich man around Christmas

The poor man asks the rich man, "What are you getting your wife this Christmas?" The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Mercedes." The poor man asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange th...

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A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery.

He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens t...

How did the diamond find a girlfriend?

Carbon dating.

Our dog accidentally swallowed my wife's wedding ring.

Now we have a diamond in the ruff.

You are like an uncut diamond

Cheap

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Captain America and a Grammar Nazi are working for a diamond mine

Captain America and a Grammar Nazi are working for a diamond mine, and they have a meeting with a consultant. The consultant tells them that the mine is flooding the market with too many cheap diamonds, and their income is dropping as a result.

Captain America says, "Well, if you're correct, ...

There was a very well liked guy named Jimmy, and had always aspired to be a pilot, just like his dad.

Unfortunately, life took many rough turns for him in high school; one night while driving late one night, his tire blew out and he lost his right eye. Having only half his vision, his dreams of being a pilot were crushed, and he didn't know what to do with his life.

Jimmy, now fitted with a b...

A group of movie producers are working on the next avengers/MCU movie

Producer 1: Does anyone have any ideas for the villain?

Producer 2: Ok, how about a 14 foot tall, flaming eye-ball, with poison swords for arms, who shoots lasers from his feet, and has a pet llama made of diamonds

Head producer: You’re over-thinking this, let’s just keep it low-key

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Diamonds are the only thing in the natural world that can cut themselves...

I think someone should book them a therapist.

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A rich man and his butler discuss what they’re getting their wives for Valentine’s Day

The butler asks the rich man, “what are you getting your wife?”

The man says,”I’m going to get her a Range Rover and a pair of diamond earrings!”

The butler was impressed but asked, “why two gifts for your wife, sir?”

“So she can wear her diamond earrings while driving her Range...

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Three guys getting drunk in a graveyard

So three guy were drinking in a graveyard when a demon came to them and said “how dare you invade my domain and disturb me in this hour!” One of the guys said “we’re so sorry it’s just that bars are getting expensive and it’s quiet in here away from our wives and kids”
The demon felt sorry for th...

Two men, Mark and Steve and a woman were having a threesome

And suddenly they hear the woman's husband pulling into drive way. Startled, men could not find proper places to hide. Mark goes into cupboard and Steve climbs into attic, hoping that husband wouldn't notice.

Husband enters the bedroom, sees his wife lying naked and goes into bed with her. Fe...

First Rancher: What's the name of your place?

Second Rancher: The XWK Lazy R Double Diamond Circle Q Bar S

First Rancher: How many cattle do you have?

Second Rancher: Only a few. Not many survive the branding

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Oh my, how nice.

Two elderly southern ladies are sitting on the front porch enjoying the day.

The first lady (FL) says: On my first anniversary my husband bought me a diamond ring

The second lady (SL) says: Oh my, how nice.

FL: On my fifth anniversary my husband bought me a Cadillac.

S...

Why did the killer whale go to jail for stealing all the diamonds?

He’s the one that orca-strated the heist!

Our problems are like diamonds

we inflate their value because we don't understand how many they have in Africa

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A rich guy and a poor guy walk into a bar...

They both sit at the bar to order a drink and get to talking with each other

The poor guy says his wife's birthday is coming up and asks the rich guy what he got his wife for her birthday.

The rich guy replies and says, "it's simple! I bought her a brand new Mercedes and a diamond ne...

Why would an imitation diamond remind you of St. Patrick's Day?

Because it's a shamrock.

If diamonds are a girl's best friend, and dogs are man's best friend...

...then David Bowie is everyone's best friend.

The Ivory Throne of the King of Timbuktu

Hundreds of years ago, when glorious Timbuktu was nothing more than a large collection of grass huts, the King of that great city declared his wish for a throne fit for such a mighty ruler. Of ivory it was to be, exquisitely carved, inlaid with gold leaf, decorated with diamonds and emeralds and sap...

A man's car breaks down outside of a monastery.

A man is driving home from a buisness trip. As he has a pretty low paying job, he doesn't have the best of cars.

After a few hours of driving, he drives past a monastery.

Unfortunately his car breaks down right in front of the monastery.

Being a man of God, he obviously figures...

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God offered to prove his power to a scientist.

Scientist asked God to fill his basement with diamonds, and instantly god did. He wasn't convinced yet cuz an alien could have the tech to do that.

He asked god to create a new galaxy in less than 1 second, and god did, but still wasn't convinced.

He asked God to create another planet ...

Husband: "I'm getting you diamonds for our anniversary" - Wife: "Nothing would please me more"

Husband: *Gets her nothing instead*

A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Hanukkah.

After hearing about this extravagant gift, a friend of his says, “I thought she wanted one of those sporty four-wheel-drive vehicles.”



“She did,” he replies. “But where was I going to find a fake Jeep?”

I bought a guitar made out of diamond..

now I can play some hard rock.

What do you call an egg made of gold and diamonds?

Eggspensive!

My heart is like a diamond

Cold, hard and has it's value artificially inflated because of a few select individuals

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Oh, how nice (A joke from my 96 year old great-grandmother-in-law)

Two women are in the hospital. Their labor has started, but not progressed enough for delivery, so they are in a room waiting together.

"Is this your first child?" says the older woman.

"No," says the younger woman. "I have another."

"I have three." Continues the older woman. "A...

Doctor and Engineer wanted to date the same girl

The girl said to both what can you do for me. The Doctor being well-off bought the girl a diamond ring and the girl smiled and said thank you. The Engineer brought the girl an apple and the girl was confused. She said "why did you bring an apple?". The Engineer replied "An apple a day, keeps the Doc...

I have a now famous relative

I have a now famous relative named Neil Coal who works in music. Back in 2003 he was under pressure to release his first album.

You might know him as Niel Diamond.

Just got a diamond ring for my girlfriend

Fair trade if you ask me

A man is driving late at night when his car breaks down in front of a remote Buddhist monastery.

He knocks on the door and the monks open it. He tells the monks about his situation, and how he can't call for a mechanic at those hours of the night, so he asks them if he can stay the night in the monastery. The monks happily agree, and give him a room with a bed to sleep on.

In the middle ...

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Why are dicks like Diamonds?

Massive oversupply with artificial market restrictions in place. Everyone who has one thinks they are unique, and if one is in your hand you’re expected to mention its size,

and fake ones are often just as good

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3 stoners buy a horse

They go home with the horse and make it stay in the living room.

One of the friends pull out a bong and they all take hits until they're stoned.

While stoned they come up with an idea to have fun with the horse.
...

If minecraft taught me one thing...

It's to never spend diamonds on a hoe.

I like my men like I like my diamonds

Perfectly cut and hard as a rock

Did I tell you about the time I met Beyonce?

It wasn't an official meeting. We aren't friends. But I was at the concert venue for work and she was performing that night. She must have been there for a sound check or something. I didn't even really know it was her at first. She came up to me and asked if I had seen her phone. It was gold and st...

The only thing harder than diamonds

a redneck at his family reunion

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A woman visited an Amazonian tribe on a research trip...

She spent several days taking notes on the lifestyle and habits of the tribe and interviewing their ruler, King Paolo, via an interpreter. As the tribe's land was near several rich gold mines, the king and his people were extremely wealthy.

During the woman's time with him, the king fell hop...

At dinner, a lady turns to the woman next to her...

and says: “My, that’s a beautiful diamond you’re wearing. In fact, I think it’s the most beautiful diamond I have ever seen!”

“Thank you,” replies Judy. “This is the Plotnick Diamond.”

“The Plotnick Diamond? Is there a story to it?”

“Oh yes, the diamond comes with a curse.”
<...

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A lady walks into Tiffany's

As she browses around, spots a
beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends
over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind. Very
embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed
her little accident and prays that a sales person doe...

Why did the archaeologist ask a diamond out to dinner?

Because of his enthusiasm for Carbon-Dating.

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Gus the Accountant

Gus has been doing accountancy for like 35 years and he's sick of it.

So Gus decides he wants some adventure in his life, so he's going to become a prospector.

Everyday he studies geology, he learns how to drive a big truck and operate an excavator and he starts selling up everything h...

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Two old friends were walking down the beach, and one spots an ancient-looking oil lamp.

He picks up the lamp, and just as he began to inquire 'What's thi...", his buddy rips the item out of his hands and begins furiously rubbing on the side of it.

Smoke began to swirl from the end of the lamp, and coalesced into a muscular man in old Arabian attire.

"I am a jinn who has b...

Sherlock Holmes and Watson go Camping

They spend the day tracking small animals, fishing, and having a grand time by the shores of a remote lake, before cooking up their dinner and settling into their beds and drifting off to sleep.

Sometime after midnight, Holmes wakes up feeling insightful.
He wakes Watson up.

"Watson...

My family keeps telling me that when I die I should have my ashes made into a diamond

There's a lot of pressure

Hand Washing Lyrics

**Neil Diamond:** Hands...
**NHS:** Yep, wash them for 20 seconds
**Neil Diamond**: Touching hands..
**NHS:** No, don't do that
**Neil Diamond:** Reaching out..
**NHS:** Errrr, avoid that too
**Neil Diamond:** Touching me..
**NHS:** Oh no
### **Neil Diamond:**...

Your guy didn't know any puns about colourful, diamond patterned socks.

But argyle know some.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hearts, diamonds, clubs, spades... oh? Looks like this house of cards has a fifth suit.

Sexual harassment suit.

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An Arab Sheik was admitted to Hospital for heart surgery....

But prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store some blood in case a need arose.

As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so the call went out.

Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for th...

A joke for St. Patricks Day

An Irishman, by the name of O'Malley proposed to his girl on St. Patrick's Day. He gave her a ring with a synthetic diamond. The excited young lass showed it to her father, a jeweler. He took one look at it and saw it wasn't real.

The young lass on learning it wasn't real returned to her futu...

Kid: why is my cousin named Diamond?

Mother: because your auntie really loves diamonds

Kid: well what about my name?

Mother: never mind about that Richard.

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A guy was recruited for the first settlement on another planet....

The Settlement Chief met him on the landing site.

"This place is going to take some getting used to. It's like a mirror version of Earth. The elements which are rare on Earth are the most abundant here while the common elements are extremely rare."

"So why are we here then," the guy a...

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So there is this one time when a rich man came accross a poor man in a stall on xmas.

The poor man asked, "so what present are you gonna give your wife this year?"

To which the rich man responded, "a diamond ring and a lamborghini."

"why those two things?" asked the poor man in confusion.

"Well, because if she doesn't like the ring, she can use the lamborghini to...

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The children gathered around their father

The first one asked "Why is my name poetry?"

"Because I went on a poetry website to recite a beautiful poem to your mother and then you were conceived"

The second one ask "Why is my name Amazon?"

"I went on that website to order a beautiful diamond ring for you mother. After she...

Lucy, In the Sky, With Diamonds

John Lennon, proving he was a terrible Clue player

A man gifted his wife a diamond necklace for their anniversary and then his wife didn't speak to him for 6 months.

Was the neclace fake?

No. That was deal!

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