What do you call a fat person with a crystal ball?

Four-chin teller

If I had a Crystal Ball

I'd sit down VERY carefully

I heard that Justin Timberlake will be doing one of the voices in the new dark crystal series

He’s bringing skeksis back

I was just proposed to with a Magnesium Oxide crystal.

... OMgOMgOMgOMgOMgOMg...

My neighbors have been cooking Crystal until an explosion destroyed their kitchen.

The really methed it up.

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Crystal had her first period...

Crystal had her first period when she was alone at home and didn't knew what to do.

So, Cristal remembered that her friend, Johnny had a sister and went to his home.

When she arrived, she asks:

Hi Johnny, is your sister at home?

No, Crystal, why? you hardly speak to her. ...

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the fortune teller delivered grave news

"There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, the young woman stared back at the old woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her shakin...

I saw my roommate carrying a crystal ball and candles

"What do you need a crystal ball and candles for?" I asked.

"I'm going to conduct a ritual to speak with the dead."

"Oh. Makes seance."

A couple wins a free day at a golf course

But just a few minutes into the game, the husband breaks the window of one of the most luxurious houses nearby.

When they arrive to try to talk their way out, the door is open, and a man with a luxurious robe stands next to a expensive looking broken crystal lamp.

- are you the owner o...

What do you call crystal clear urine?

1080pee

All clear jokes

Hello everyone, my job involves being on a train and being a commentator, we have to say "all clear" when everyone is on and seated so the driver knows to start the drive. I want to find some jokes to go with it! One is "We must be windex, because we're all clear."

I know I could come up with...

I just found out that the traditional 15th wedding anniversary gift is crystal.

My wife going to be so surprised to have a threesome with my mistress!

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I just realized the other day that I'm gay.

It's finally Crystal queer!

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Why don't fortune tellers use contraceptives?

They have crystal balls and can see it coming.

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An Englishman, a Frenchman and an Australian, are hiking through the South American jungle

When all of sudden, they see a crystal clear pool at the foot of a mountain. They're all hot and tired, so naturally, they strip off and jump in, and to their surprise, that are captured by natives. They are brought in front of the chief and told that the pool is sacred. He tells them that they are ...

I, being an Irish Catholic, decided it was time to cleanse my soul.

I went into the confessional box after many years of being away from the Catholic Church.

Inside, I found a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap.

On one wall, there was a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses. On the other wall was a dazzling array...

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Two men camping...

Two men camping in the mountains had spent four days together, and they were getting a little testy.

One morning, the first friend says, "You know, we're starting to get on each other's nerves. Why don't we split up today. I'll hike north and spend the day looking around, you hike south and ...

What do you call crystal clear urine?

1080p

There once was a very stubborn witch...

She would never accept help from her friends, and insisted on fighting her enemies alone, saying she didn’t want to rely on anyone else. Because of this, she lost a fight and was trapped forever in a crystal necklace.

Now she’s really independent.

Does silicon make pretty crystals

Of quartz it does

A boy was driving home to Minnesota from his first semester of college...

...in California for winter break. He had the car packed and he left after his last final. He wanted to make good time so he drove all night, but as the sun came up his stomach started to rumble...it was time for breakfast!

He pulled into a mom and pop diner and it looked exactly like you'd e...

Whats the difference between Crystal Pepsi and Jesus

Crystal Pepsi came back

Eldarion, son of Aragorn, High King of the Reunited Kingdom, was bored.

In a time of peace, there was not much to do, and he was long tired of his jesters. So he called for all of his subordinates, and announced a new prestigious title to which all are given candidacy; the title of “Duke of the Best Joke”.

 

Not wanting to disappoint, Finance Mini...

A Frog Walks into A Bank

Patricia (Patty) Mac worked as a loan officer for a bank. One day a frog walks into her office.

“How may I help you” Patricia asked.

The frog replied, “I would like to take out a $20,000 loan”.

“You, a frog, wants a loan”?

“Yes, please”.

Patty runs his credit ...

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So there was this recently separated guy...

So there was this recently separated good looking guy, he was just driving to the movies to watch a film that he’d been waiting to see for ages. Anyhow, as he crosses a junction in the road a car came flying out and t-boned him good. ‘Christ sake’ he thought to himself, ‘I’m just getting over losing...

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I went to a psychic today...

I sat there, she gazed into her crystal ball and said "next week you will win the lottery! The week after you will meet a model who loves you for your personality not just your money, she will have gravity defying boobs and an ass that could make a grown man cry. You will have kids that will go on t...

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What was Pamela Voorhees' main complaint about Camp Crystal Lake?

The fucking teenagers.

I went to a fortune teller for a haircut.

I got crystal bald.

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Went to see a fortune teller earlier, as she gazed into the crystal ball she said

"You'll never have any more children." ...Then the fucking thing rolled off the table and crushed my balls!

Damn Carnies

A redditor is at a carnival when he walks up to the fortune tellers tent. Inside sits an old gypsie lady infront of her crystal ball and tarot cards. Not wanting to be scammed first he tries to haggle the price down. When she won't budge he asks for some proof she can tell the future and he will com...

Gandalf decided to go to the Shire, and to his surprise found Frodo and Sam making meth.

Gandalf decided to go to the Shire, and to his surprise found Frodo and Sam making meth.

"Why would you ever do such a thing!" He exclaimed.

"Well you see Mr Gandalf, after our adventure we haven't been able to feel the euphoria of being a hero until we tried this wonderful magic crys...

Once upon a time, there was a trainee fortune teller...

Once upon a time, there was a trainee fortune teller called Sarah who hoped to learn the proper skills of divination by training alongside a renowned fortune teller, Madame Lointain (for, in these times, it was customary for each village to have a fortune teller).


After having studied for...

What is the difference between Crystal Palace football club and a spear?

A spear actually has a point.

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Once upon a time, there was a teeny-tiny spider...

...and as the spider wanted to repent for its carnivorous days by becoming a vegetarian, it decided to live the rest of its days in a quiet, peaceful place to live off the land and to avoid the temptation of telling everyone about its transformation (he's trying to be better really hard, you know?)....

I went to a psychic today. Ended up accidentally breaking her crystal ball.

It cost me a fortune.

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Bill is out for a drive and comes across a place that does psychic readings.

Bill, ever the skeptic, walks in just to tell the psychic that he's a fraud and that he's taking advantage of people. The psychic tells Bill to try his Skeptic's package. "What's that?", Bill asked. "It's a special deal I offer to people who don't believe in psychics." The psychic began to explain. ...

You guys just buy into anything big pharma tells you don't you?

You guys just buy into anything big pharma tells you don't you? i'll have you know my son was diagnosed with the measles so I placed various crystals around his bed while he slept to promote the proper aura for healing.

He's dead now but at least he's not autistic

What's the best stage name for a stripper with no teeth?

Crystal Meth

Did you hear about the guy who made his wife a necklace out of crystal meth?

I hear it was pretty dope.

So I heard this word problem from grade school.....

If you have five crystals, and billy takes four crystals, and sally gives you two crystals, how many crystals do you have?

It was then that I realized the kids were all doing crystal math.

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A marksman walks into a weapons store, looking to buy a new scope for his sniper riffle

The marksman tells the owner he wants the best one available

The owner shows him a piece and says "this one has a reach of over 1 km. That's so far, you can see crystal clear my house on the hill from here."

The marksman grabs the scope and looks in the direction the shop owner was poi...

What do you need to make a crystal salad?

Onions, tomatoes, and a whole bunch of lattice

How Scotland was created...

At the beginning of time God was discussing the creation of the world with the angel Gabriel. Leaning back in his golden throne, he told him of his plans for Scotland.

"Gabriel," said god "I am going to give Scotland towering mountains and magnificent glens resplendent with purple Heather. Re...

A tourist in Hawaii is amazed at how healthy and invigorated he feels after just a few days into visiting the islands...

He strikes up a conversation with one of the locals while they are wading out into the crystal clear, warm surf on yet another perfect island day. "I just cant get over how beautiful this place is," the tourist says excitedly, "I feel great! I haven't felt this young and healthy in years! Island lif...

A woman goes to a fortune teller

A woman goes to a fortune teller to have her fortune read. The old fortune teller looks through her crystal ball and then gasps with horror. She says "By the next full moon your husband shall be dead!"

The woman looking disappointed says "I already know that part. Tell me if I'll get convict...

It's weird how people from the ghetto name their kids things they don't have or can't afford.

Mercedes, Crystal, Lexus, Diamond, Ruby, Love, Harmony, Hope...

CUT TO THE PAST

Ian is a barber and one day after servicing a haircut, a customer instead of money, gives him a crystal sphere and Ian, not wanting to argue and liking the sphere, accepts it.

He presses the Sphere and to his bewilderment, he's transported to ancient Egypt with all the scissor and blades.
...

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A frog goes to a fortune-teller

A frog goes to a fortune-teller.


The fortune-teller looks into her crystal ball, and tells the frog, "You are going to meet a beautiful young lady, who will want to know everything about you."

The frog is thrilled, "This is great! Where will I meet her?"

The fortune-teller s...

A man decided to visit a fortune teller...

After looking into his hand and into the crystal ball, the fortune teller says in a dramatic tone:

“You sir, will be responsible for the death of millions”

Shocked and taken aback, the man goes back to his home. Along the way, he passes near a river and sees a small boy drowning helple...

In the year 2030,

In the year 2030, space travel was expanding more than ever, and life science was seeing new revolutions every few weeks. Inventions in robotics and engineering were being created almost daily. But this new world came with a downside, the amount of harsh chemicals in the air were causing cancer to d...

A man visits a psychic

He doesn't believe in that stuff, but decided to have some fun. The psychic looks into her crystal ball and says, "I can see that you're a father of two..."

"Ha, that's what you think!" he replies. "I'm a father of three!"

"Ha! That's what you think!"

A church in my neighborhood has started having raves every night...

They're Crystal Methodists.

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My friend started counting geodes three months ago, and now he's living under a highway overpass.

It's crazy how quickly crystal math can ruin your life.

My friend John went to a psychic

He was really skeptical about it at first but seeing his friends getting happier after seances he decided to give it a try. Next day he finally met the psychic. She was a woman in her mid thirties wearing some kind of rags and a crown made out of plastic. She got out a crystal ball and started looki...

I heard that Battlefront II removed microtransactions.

I guess you can say the game is Crystal clear.

CHILDLESS PSYCHICS

Q: Why can't psychics have children?
A: Their husbands have crystal balls.

[LONG] A zebra dies and goes to heaven...

A zebra dies and goes to heaven. When he reaches the pearly gates, St. Peter welcomes him inside and shows him around. There was everything there that could make a zebra happy for eternity. Lush green grass, crystal clear waters, rolling pastures as far as the eye could see, and plenty of lady zebra...

An electrician goes to a fortune teller.

When he arrives, the fortune teller says
"Look into this crystal ball and you will see how you die". When the electrician looks into the ball, he couldn't believe what he saw. He was shocked.

What do you call a religious drug addict?

A crystal methodist.

I finally smoked some of this drug that's in the news all the time, but I wasn't impressed.

Crystal Meh.

The Pollen count in the air is so high this year

all the meth cooks are turning their crystal back into Sudafed

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The 3 Little Pigs

There were once three little pigs, named Jiggs, Willie, and Elmer. They lived a nice quiet life in their houses made of straw, wood, and brick, respectively. But wouldn't you know it, the Big Bad Wolf came strolling into town one day, hungry for some porkchops and maybe a little applesauce on the si...

A JOURNEY FROM MAN TO MONK

There was once a man just like me and you. He woke up in the morning, went to work and enjoyed a beer with his friends in the evening.

One day the man was walking down an empty street when a young man jumped at him with a knife, stabbed him and took his money.

The man thought surely h...

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My wife said she was thinking of getting a vajazzle.

"What's that?" I asked.

She said, "I'm getting my vagina decorated with crystals and glitter."

I said, "That's a coincidence."

"Why?" she asked.

I said, "Because *I* was just thinking about getting a new girlfriend."

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The Monastery

An old monk is recounting his life to his nieces and nephews who lived in a small, rural town. The area around was hilly, and at the bottom of a nearby valley, there was a large, ornate monastery.

"Uncle, why did you become a monk?" the youngest asked

"One day, I was riding my bicycle ...

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Women are like Wine

(I've submitted this one to another thread before, let's see how it goes here)

A man sits in his study, a book in his hand and a full glass of inky cabernet by his side. There's a sheepish knock at the door. "Come in," the man says without lifting his eyes from the page.

The door crea...

Where do psychics go to dance?

The crystal ball

I discovered this new drug that makes you indifferent to the world...

It's called Crystal Meh.

What's the most popular religion for addicts?

the Crystal Methodists

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