I tried to catch fog in a jar yesterday.

Mist.

My glasses may be fogged up, but don't worry I'll be fine.

I'm optimistic!

“Hey, I’m supposed to meet a guy made entirely out of fog. Have you seen him?”

“Sorry, you just mist him.”

A Muslim guy just walked into my store and bought a bunch of fog machines. So I called the cops.

He must belong to an extreme mist organization.

Many people think that when warm droplets of water in the air are rapidly cooled it forms fog...

But it’s actually a common mist-conception!

I was offered a job studying fog but I turned it down.

In hindsight, I think it was a mist opportunity.

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What's the difference between eating pussy and driving in the fog?

When you're driving in the fog, you can't see the asshole in front of you

A ship is navigating along the Mediterranean coastline through some thick fog...

One of the crew members approaches the captain. "Sir I think we made a wrong turn and were heading downriver though Egypt."

"Egypt?" The captain ponders over his charts for a moment before shaking his head "No no, I think were definitely on course"

The crew member shrugs and returns to...

What happens when the fog lifts in Los Angeles?

UCLA

A man is walking home late one foggy night...

when behind him he hears:

BUMP!… BUMP!… BUMP!…

Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.

BUMP!… BUMP!… BUMP!…

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, th...

I woke up in thick fog and couldn’t reach my Google drive

The cloud was down

Why did the chicken cross the road?

His family was experiencing financial trouble, and needed money. He tried applying for many jobs, they just didn't work out. After ending up working in the drug business to support his family, a deal went bad and he got shot, landing him to the hospital. The night his family arrived to check on him...

I never understood fog machines.

They mystify me to this day.

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I made my front yard into a cemetery for Halloween... then my neighbor put a fog breathing dragon on his roof.

I told him if he wanted a dick measuring contest he could have asked his wife.

Clergy with terrible, terrible habits.

A Catholic priest, a Methodist pastor, a Baptist minister, and an Episcopalian rector were attending an ecumenical conference. After the conferences were done and they had supper, they were relaxing in the hotel restaurant, talking.

The Catholic priest said, "You know, it's great to get to k...

What happens when a ghost gets lost in the fog?

He is mist

I got a job as a fog bank, I'ts hard work with little pay...

but I make dew.

My band and I had our first significant gig tonight, but afterwards I realized that it would have been way cooler with a fog machine...

It was a huge mist opportunity.

It was so foggy this morning and I tried to grab some of the fog

Sadly, I mist.

So it was super foggy when I got up this morning.

I grabbed a big jar and went outside just to catch a bunch of fog and I put a lid on it. Came back in the house to check it out and the jar looked completely empty. So, while I thought I was capturing fog- I mist.

A pilot and a copilot are getting ready to land their plane on an exotic foreign runway on a foggy day

The pilot says “I’ve heard that this runway is pretty short, so why don’t you go ahead and give me quarter flaps, so we can slow this plane down. The copilot acknowledges, and gives quarter flaps.

As they begin to see the runway through the fog, they start to see how short the runway is. The ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is going down on a woman similar to driving in fog?

One slip-up and you are into the asshole in front of you.

I was going to make a joke about the render distance of the fog...

But you won't be able to process it due to the lack of GiggleBites.

A US Ship was sailing through dense fog when it sees another light....

US Ship: Please divert your course 0.5 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

CND reply: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

US Ship: This is the Captain of a US Navy Ship. I say again, divert your course.

CND reply: No. I say again...

(OC) Once, back the days of dragons...

Once back in the days of knights and dragons there was a mountain to which people would travel from leagues around.

At the summit of this mountain was a magic cradle which would heal the illness of any child placed in it, but only if the child's parent would then roll up into a ball and tumbl...

My wife accused me of fogging up our bathroom mirror

But I really can't see myself doing that.

The weather forecaster this morning said that vision might be impaired by fog.

I agree with him, but that's a weird way to spell "Whiskey".

The captain of a battleship sees a light in the heavy fog...

The captain called to the signalman, "Signal that ship: We are on a collision course, advise you change course 20 degrees."
Back came a signal, "Advisable for you to change course 20 degrees."
The captain said, "Send, I'm a captain, change course 20 degrees."
"I'm a seaman second clas...

Fog father leaves his fog family

He is heavily mist

What's green and difficult to see through?

What's green and difficult to see through?

>!Kermit the fog!<


What's green and runs?

>!Kermit the jog!<


What's green and written once a week?

>!Kermit the blog!<


What's green and made of wood?

>!Kermit the log!<
...

What's a bigamist?

It's what Italians call a thick fog.

What do you call it when two people make a baby in fog?

A mist conception.

A study has shown that women are better than men at driving in fog..

Well of course they are. They're not looking where they're going.

What did one cloud of fog say to the other?

I don't know. It's a Mistery.

A man is walking home one foggy night,

When behind him he hears:

Thump...

Thump...

Thump...

He looks back, but the source of the sound is obscured by the fog. He continues walking.

Thump...

Thump...

Thump...

He begins to walk faster, and looks back over his shoulder as he hurries a...

A helicopter flying over Seattle,with all communication devices down.because of the fog and rain he lost his position.

Desperate the pilot writes on a piece of paper "Where am I?" and sticks it on the windshield. He sees a tall building and surrounds it. The people inside see the note and hurry to help the pilot and they write on the window: " You're inside a helicopter ". The pilot makes a loop and safely lands. Ev...

Why did the Italian man shout "Bigamist!" ?

There was a thick fog approaching.

I was driving in thick fog...

...and couldn't see where I was going. So I decided to follow the car in front really close to make sure I stayed on the road.

Suddenly, without any warning, he ground to a halt. I almost ran in to the back of him.

I got out of my car, knocked on his window and said, "What have you s...

An elderly woman was driving through thick fog...

... and could barely see more than one car in front of her and couldn't see the road anywhere after. She already had slow reflexes, so she decided that to be safe, she would stay close to the car in front of her and use their taillights to stay on the road.

She does this for a little while, ...

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It is a cold, foggy night, and several passengers are in a bus, driving along little lanes through the countryside.

Suddenly, the bus swerves violently. The passengers are irritated. A young man who was woken up by the bus's swerving says: "What happened?"

"Mist," the bus driver says, dismissively.

The young man thinks that yes, it is harder to drive in fog, and falls back asleep thinking nothin...

A london cabbie is driving down an unlit street in heavy fog he sees a figure in the distance hailing him...

...he opens the door and turns around to see a beautiful naked woman.

"Where to love?"

"5 Kings road please"

She's so gorgeous and curvy in all the right places that he can't keep his eyes of her. She catches him in a longer lingering stare and says

"What do you think you...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three guys die and go to Heaven...

When they go to approach the pearly gates suddenly Satan pops out and tells them, "Sorry Heaven is full! If you want to get in you gotta give me a question I can't answer correctly and I will let you in!"
The first guy steps forward. "I was a philosopher in my life and I can garuntee you don't k...

Tommy

Did you hear about the english man who wanted to fight in the first world war?
He joined late. Skip forward to the first fight. He’s in the trench. Tommy as we’ll call him goes up to his captain, and says, er, captain, i’m reporting for duty. I want to fight for my country!
The captain replie...

Nice Car!

A guy driving a Yugo pulls up at a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce. The driver of the Yugo rolls down his window and shouts to the driver of the Rolls, "Hey, buddy, that's a nice car. You got a phone in your Rolls? I've got one in my Yugo!"

The driver of Rolls looks over and says simply, "Yes...

One foggy morning on the border of England and Scotland...

...a Scottish voice came out from within the dense fog.

"Any one Scotsman can beat any 10 Englishmen."

The English general stationed at the border took offense and sent down 10 of his soldiers. There were sounds of a hell of a fight and NO ONE returned. An hour later, the same voice ...

This guy was down on his luck...

He lost his job and was really in debt, so he decided to end it all. He went to a bridge outside town and was ready to jump, when out of the gathering fog he saw a figure coming slowly toward him. It was the ugliest woman he’d ever seen and she was wearing a conical hat.

“Who the hell are yo...

What an answer

A pilot is flying a small single engine plane with a lot of really important execs on board into Seattle airport. There is fog so thick that visibility is 10m, and his instruments are out. He circles looking for a landmark and after an hour, he is low on fuel and his passengers are very nervous. ...

The European Vacation

Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe, as it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late, and raining very hard. Bob could barely see 20 feet in front of the car.

Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob at...

Three men approached the gate to heaven.....

Three men approached the gate to heaven and as there was only one opening left, the gatekeeper said that whoever had the most remarkable and worthy death could enter. He asked the first man how he died, and the man replied, "Imagine this -- I suspected my wife was having an affair behind my back and...

Two guys are in a helicopter.

During their flight the helicopter encounters some dense fog and quickly becomes lost. After a few minutes of careful maneuvering, the two find themselves hovering next to a large building where they can see a guy in his office, sitting at his desk.

Thinking quickly, the copilot grabs a piec...

Yo mama so dumb...

...she argues endlessly that Frodo could have just ridden a giant eagle into Mordor and dropped the Ring into Mount Doom from the air, even though all the characters in the book say over and over again that Sauron can SEE EVERYWHERE and that stealth was their only hope of getting anywhere with the R...

An airplane pilot was lost in thoughts about women

...when he suddenly notices a thick fog surrounding his plane.
All he can make out is the shape of a building in front of him.
His copilot makes a sign reading "WHERE ARE WE?" and flashes it out the window.
The people in the building ahead return the sign "YOU ARE IN A PLANE".
The pilot...

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