UPJOKE
humveesuvgeneral motorsgmcchevroletbulletheaterfastballsmokehummer h2lebron jamesam generalescaladehummer h1hummer h3

Hummer Jokes

What's the difference between a porcupine and a Hummer?

The porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A beautiful lady of the evening owns a penthouse on Lake Shore Drive. She’s entertaining a young man who is deciding what he’d like.

“So, how much would a reach-around set me back?”

The woman replies without hesitation, “Five-hundred dollars.”

The man is taken aback! “$500!”

The woman replies, “See this apartment? Handies paid for it!”

Convinced, the couple repair to the bedroom. A little later, they a...

My rich cousin's hummer-porschaghini (Long)

So I have this cousin who is absolutely loaded and he had this idea he would pay the best mechanic around to build him custom car.

He wanted the body of a Lamborghini, with the engine of a Porsche, and all the amazing features of an original hummer. He decided to call it the Hummer-porschagh...

Hummer is launching an EV,

Iron-E..

Why did the hummer cross the river?

For the insurance money.

Three grizzled veterans eyed the new recruit with contempt

“Son, I served multiple tours as a Marine in Afghanistan and killed 40 men!”

“That’s nothing! My hummer hit an IED, and I still have pieces of it in my leg!”

The third smiled and simply said “I was a member of SEAL team six.”

“What have you, in your eighteen years accomplish tha...

I was really excited when my wife told me she was giving me a hummer for my birthday.

My excitement turned to disappointment when I saw a Hummer in the driveway.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW]After a round of golf...

a guy heads back to the club house. There, he sees a beautiful, blonde, big breasted woman, and naturally, he heads over to flirt with her. They hit it off, and decide to play a round together.

He is doing his best to impress, but she cleans his clock, winning by 9 strokes. Embarrassed, his m...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old man crashed his car into a very expensive automobile.

The owner of the automobile told him: “Give me $10,000 cash or I’ll beat you to a pulp.”

The old man says: “Hang on, I don’t have that much cash. Let me call my son who trains dolphins.”

Old man rings his son, but before he gets to speak, the car owner grabs the phone from him and tell...

New Priest

A young Catholic priest was assigned to an inner city parish. He was having a difficult time adjusting to his new surroundings, with particular difficulty in the area of confession. One day, after several hours in the confessional, he pulled one of the nuns aside and asked her about a word that repe...

New SUV

Well Gm has planned to relaunch the Hummer line as eco friendly electric trucks. To save even more electricity the horn had been removed from the deluxe model and a bell installed attached to a cable. It will be called the Humdinger edition.

Brazilian Soldiers

An aide walks into the oval office. George W. Bush is currently president, and the Iraq war is dragging out into a long and grueling occupation. The aide presents the numbers from yesterday to the President.

"Mr. President, yesterday the US coalition forces killed a confirmed 36 insurgents....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Here's a joke from Bulgaria, translated for your convenience.

One a motorway near the coast in Varna a musclebound mafioso (refered to as mutra in Bulgaria) is driving with his subordinates in his brand new Mercedes S63 AMG. When he nears a traffic signal, he gets rear ended. Pissed off, he gets out to have a look. Turns out that an elderly gentleman in a rust...

What's the most musical SUV truck?

A hummer.

For my wife's birthday, I got a guy to follow her all day making bee noises.

She really wanted a hummer.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A soldier working in the motorpool answers the phone...

"Yeah, I need to know when the General's hummer is going to be repaired and ready to go."

The private replied, "Man, I dunno, that fatass General broke the seat and we had to send out for a new one."

The voice on the other end stammered furiously, "Do you know who you're talking to??"<...

I want to make an impact on the planet that lasts long after I'm gone

That's why I drive a hummer

Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?

Officer in a Hummer H1 stop next to a Soldier in a Wrangler:

Officer : "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"

Soldier: "Sure, buddy."

Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again! Do you have change for a dollar?"

Soldier: "No, SIR!"

One day a blonde is driving down the highway..

Along side a dried up river. Then she notices another blonde rowing a canoe in the dry sand. Angry she pulls over her pink Hummer hops out and starts screaming " It's because of idiots like you that people give blondes such a bad name! If I could swim I'd go over there and kick your ass"

Two Amish women are walking down the street.

Two Amish woman are walking down the street when they come across a momma skunk and a baby skunk. A hummer comes driving by at 60 mph and runs over the momma skunk and kills it. The first Amish girl says oh my we can't let that baby skunk by itself. So she picks it up and puts it under her dress to ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[Nsfw] [long] An aging father has decided to go into assisted living

Because he didn't want to burden his son. He had been having trouble around the house and had a few scary falls. His son begged him to stay at his family's house, because he felt that this was the best plan.
"Dad, please! Stay with us! I've heard those places are horrible!" His father says "No wa...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.