Smoker Jokes - 70 Hilarious Smoker Jokes

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A sex addict, an alcoholic and a chain smoker go to a hypnotist.

The hypnotist tells all three that while under hypnosis, if they ever indulge in their vices again, they will die immediately after.

On the way back from the hypnotist, the three men are walking by a bar. The alcoholic can't help himself. He says, "Fuck it. That guy was full of shit. There's ...

They say kissing a smoker is like licking an ashtray.

I’ll remember that the next time I get lonely.

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A smoker is having a smoke outside a bar when he is approached by an older non-smoker...

"that's a horrible habit" says the non smoker.

"My grandmother lived to 94" he replies.

"And did she smoke?"

"No, she minded her own fucking business."

Why are pot smokers always asking "What?"

They're doobie-ous.

My friend is a smoker and decided to read about the health risks of smoking.

He went online and read about how smoking can lead to cancer, and other health risks.

A few days later I meet up with him and find him overjoyed and full of energy, so I asked him what did he do to become so healthy.

He tells me while lighting a cigar: "I quit reading."

What did the disappointed smoker get for Christmas?

Clothes but no cigar...

What do you call a royal smoker

Your Highness.

A non-smoker says to a smoker "Excuse me, would you mind smoking somewhere else?"

The smoker replied, "Hypothetically, yes."

A young job applicant was being interviewed for an entry-level position. His prospective boss asked, "Are you a smoker?" "Not even a little," said the young man. "How about alcoholic beverages?" "Never touch 'em," he replied.

The boss smiled and asked, "So you spend a lot of time with girls?"
The applicant said, "No, not really."
"So you don't have any vices?"
"Well, I do have one," he admitted.
"And what would that be?" the boss asked.
"I tell lies."

How do you know if a bird is a smoker?

If it's a Puffin

I'm a smoker and alcoholic.

Visited my new doctor today.

Doctor: "Your liver is enlarged and your lungs sound funny. Do you smoke?"

Me: "Only when I drink"

Doctor: "How much do you drink?!"

Me: "About two packs a day..."

Smokers are great people to go camping with

You can easily outrun them if a Bear attacks

Alcoholic, women lover and weed smoker go to hell

The Satan says them: "you can get out if you'll spend 100 years in a room with your main addictions".

He shows the alcoholic a room with lots of alcohol. Alcoholic says: "ok, i'll spend 100 years here".

Then he shows a women lover a room with beautiful young women.
He says "ok, i'll...

Everyone calls yo mama smoker.

‘Cause they all hang their meat there.

Jewish smoker is asking his Rabbi

Rabbi, is it alright if I smoke during study of Torah?

Rabbi: Absolutely not, out of question. Why would you even ask such ridiculous thing?

The Jewish smoker goes away ashamed, but since he is a pious addict he comes back later and asks Rabbi again.

Rabbi, is it alright if I st...

Why did the pedestrian die after getting hit by a pot smoker?

Too much blunt force.

The officer was blunt about what happens to marijuana smokers

He takes them to the joint.

What do you call a group of weed smokers?

A joint family.

Why don't pot smokers run in weighted clothing?

It's bad for your joints.

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One day a guy dies...

...and finds himself in hell. Walking around, he runs into the devil.

Devil: Why are you so sad?

Guy: Why do you think? I'm in hell.

Devil: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man?

Guy: Sure, I love to drink.

Devil: Well ...

What's a smoker's favourite kind of nut?

A Pack-a-daymia

Mob of Pot Smokers Overthrowing Government:

"This is a high coup!"

One in four people look down on smokers.

More proof that smoking stunts your growth.

A Crackhead an Alchoholic and a chain smoker all die in a car accident.

When they reach the pearly gate St. Peter just looks at them and says "not good gentlemen not good. I cant just let a Crackhead, Alchoholic and chain smoker into heaven." The three men start to complain and demand to be let in. So St Peter decides to test them. He give the crackhead some crack, he g...

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Smokers Delight

3 old ladies were smoking cigarettes behind the nursing home. It started to rain so two of them threw their cigarettes on the ground all pissed off. The third one pulled a condom out of her pursue, rolled it down her cigarette and continued smoking. The other two asked in amazement where she had got...

A cigar smoker bought several hundred expensive cigars

And had them insured against fire. After he'd smoked them all, he filed a claim, pointing out that the cigars had been destroyed by fire. The company refused to pay, and the man sued. A judge ruled that because the insurance company had agreed to insure against fire, it was legally responsible. The ...

2 smokers are out on a cruise on a boat.

They realise they are stuck in the middle of the sea without a lighter.

Smoker 1: What are we gonna do?

Smoker 2 proposes a solution, “I will throw one cigarette out of the boat into the water.”

Smoker 1 is confused, and smoker 2 tells him to observe. He throws a cigarette out i...

2 weed smokers were sitting in a room mad at each other,

the tension was high .

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Bob loves tractors…

Bob’s wife threatens him with divorce if he doesn’t seek help for his obsession with tractors.

He fucking loves tractors. He has tractor-branded t-shirts, ties, socks, bags, glassware, posters, multiple subscriptions to various tractor magazines. You name it, he’s got it.

Fearing losin...

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Did you know that Jeffrey Dahmer was a smoker...

They found a pile of butts behind his couch.

Let's show a little appreciation for smokers.

If it wasn't for them, it would have been many years until we could have charged our phones in cars.

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An alcoholic, a smoker and a ninfomaniac go to hell

The devil welcomes them and tells them to follow him, he opened a door to a room full of all kinds of alcoholic drinks and shouts "the drunk guy! Here" and locks him in the room, next door, a room full of hot women "the ninfomaniac! You go here" he gets to the final door and as espected it is a room...

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A man dies and goes to Hell.

Satan greets him.

Hey. How's it going?

Not good. I just found out I'm in hell.

I know we have a bad reputation but it's not that bad. It's actually quite fun down here. Did you ever drink when you were alive?

Of course.

Well, Mondays, you can drink as much as you ...

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A smoker, an alcoholic, and a rapist are offered 1,000,000$ if they can change their lives...

...so they're put in one room filled with the best and most expensive alcohol and the best and most expensive brands of cigarettes, and they have to survive there for a week.
On the second day the alcoholic couldn't take it over there and drank all the alcohol.
The smoker couldn't take it eit...

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Why smokers are sexy

Because they have butts

My doctor asked me if I am a regular weed smoker.

As far as I know I ain't doing it any differently than everyone else, so I said, "Well, I ain't trying to reinvent the wheel, doc."

He checked 'yes'.

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A wheelchair user rides towards a bar.

On his way in he notices a man stood by the door smoking a cig.

The wheelchair user looks at the smoker and says "you do know that there is no reason for doing that at all. It won't make you feel better. It won't help you to fit in. It won't make you look cool."

"Really" says the smoke...

A smoker was approached by someone who said "don't you know smoking is bad? you'll die!"

The smoker was silent for a few seconds before responding "you're right, a rooftop would be more efficient"

What's the biggest advantage of being a smoker?

Not having to set aside money for your old age.

Just saw the price of cigarettes and I realized there's no such thing as a smoker

The cigarette smokes, they are just the suckers

As a pack a day smoker, instead of quitting cold turkey, I decided I'd only smoke when I drank

So I became an alcoholic

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Once upon a time there were three friends

Once upon a time there were three friends who had three addictions.

One was a smoker, one was an alcoholic, and the other, a sex addict.

Since their addictions were beginning to be detrimental to each other's health, they decided to see a doctor. Once in the doctor's office, the doctor...

With all the attention on preparing unusual foods in the smoker (hikory smoked mustard, maple smoked ice cream, etc.) I thought up a great idea for a smoked breakfast cereal.

We'll call them "Mesquite O's" the cereal with a bite! They'll leave you itching for more!

Do you think we can stir up some buzz about it?

Did you hear the one about Laurence the Roman Pot Smoker?

It was High Larrius

Two dudes are on a ship. One of them is a smoker, the other has cigarettes, but no one has a lighter. What do they do?

The dude with cigarettes throws one overboard, which makes the boat a cigarette lighter.

Smokers go out in the cold for 10+ minutes a day and freeze their asses off in the winter and what do they do they get in return?

Cancer.

I kissed a girl in the club and she said, "Oh my God, you've been smoking. It's just like licking an ashtray."

"You non-smokers have some funny habits," I replied.

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"The dangers of smoking"

A man is standing outside in the "smoking zone" of an airport on a freezing cold January morning, smoking one last cigarette before his 16 hour, non-stop flight to Hong Kong for a business trip.

Another man walks up to him and says "do you have any idea how bad that is for you? Don't you know...

What did Frodo go to rehab for?

He was a hobbitual smoker

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Never Dies

They say smoking a cigarette reduces 3 minutes of a person's life.

They say fucking adds 15 minutes to a person's life.

This basically means, "A fucking smoker never dies!"

Do you smoke?

Non-smoker “Nah”

Cigarette smoker “Yeah”

Stoner “Smoke what?”

Walt Disney's body wasn't frozen after he died.

Contrary to popular legend, it was only his head that was cryogenically frozen after he succumbed to lung cancer, having been a heavy smoker.

Years later a friend requested that Walt be thawed out so that he could see how he was doing. Apparently old habits die hard, because the first thing ...

No smoking

A guy walks into a bar and immediately goes to the bartender to complain. "Did you know there are a couple of guys standing out front right by your door smoking?" the guy asks. "There was no way to come inside without being covered in smoke." "Dang it, not again!" the bartender exclaims as he heads ...

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The final warning

Three desperately ill men met their doctor one day to discuss their options. One was an alcoholic, the second a chain-smoker and the third a homosexual sex addict.

Addressing all three of them, the doctor said: "if any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will definitely die."
<...

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The Devil Makes a Deal with 3 Addicts Sentenced to Hell

Three sinners are sentenced to Hell for their various addictions. One is addicted to drinking, one is addicted to sex, and one is addicted to smoking. The Devil tells them that he is going to lock them in a room with their respective desires for a thousand years, and if they manage to resist temptat...

I saw a Facebook post from an old friend the other day

He’d been diagnosed with stage four lung cancer. He’d been a smoker all his life so I wasn’t too surprised. Everyone was commenting on the post and wishing him well, but I decided to go out of my way to show him I really cared. First, I called the local market and had them send a basket of pears to ...

Two elderly widows, Dolores and Mary, met at a restaurant after a heavy rain.

Both were smokers, but they arrived drenched from head to toe. Dolores noticed that Mary’s cigarette was still dry because it had a covering. Dolores said "Mary, what's that on your cigarette?" Mary responded "It's a condom. I buy them at the drugstore to keep my cigarettes dry on rainy days." D...

The detective picks up a scent of Cuban tobacco on the victim’s body.

From this, he deduces that the killer was a smoker. He also discovers a crumpled up sheet of paper that has an address scribbled out on it. This leads him to the doorsteps of an old apartment. The detective readies his gun and barges in, eager to find a clue that ties the house to the suspect. But o...

A DEA agent stopped at a ranch and talked to an old rancher...

He told the rancher ‘I need to inspect your property for illegally grown drugs.’

The rancher said, ‘OK, but don’t go into that paddock over there.’

The DEA agent exploded and said, ‘look, here. I have the authority of the federal government with me!!’ He removed his badge and displayed...

The European Space Agency (ESA) recruits one Dutch, one French and one Turkish astronaut for a space mission

As the mission should last 10 years, they ask the astronauts what they want to bring with them in space.

The Dutch says: "I would like to master a new language, can I bring a Spanish teacher?". ESA recruits the best Spanish teacher trains them and sends them to the space with the others.
<...

One farmer asks another

\- "Are your cows smokers?"

\- "No, that would be ridiculous!"

\- "Then your barn is on fire."

I used to be a huge fan of tractors.

When I was younger I loved them in all shapes and sizes. This was until I went to the county fare when I was 10, and the farmer refused to let me sit in his tractor. I ran home and cried my eyes out, tore all the tractor posters off my wall and that was that.

11 years later standing in the do...

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An old man checks out the local Nudist Colony to see if he wants to join

The clerk invites him to take a nude, self tour. He agrees and proceeds to go for his tour, completely naked, sporting only his cigar... not five minutes into his stroll he sees a beautifully shaped young lady in the buff which aroused him quickly... the young lady, noticing his erection decides to...

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Bernie Sanders goes to a union brothel

Bernie Sanders decides he wants to seek out a prostitute in a brothel, but not just any brothel will do. As a true champion of the working class he will only give his patronage to a true union institution.

He walks into the first brothel and he asks the owner, "if I were to pay $100, how much...

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I went to the corner shop earlier to get some cigarettes.

The shopkeeper handed me a packet. The warning on it said, “Smokers Die Younger”.

I said, “No, not this one. My parents wouldn’t like that.”

He handed me another. The warning on it said, “Smoking Causes Cancer”.

I said, “No, not this one either. My doctor wouldn’t like that.”...

A bunch of sausages are smoking around a poker table

A bunch of sausages are smoking around a poker table. Suddenly the door slams open and a salami walks in.

"You look parched my friend, would you like a drink?" Asks one of the sausages.

"No thankyou" says the salami "I don't drink".

"Join us for a smoke then" replies...

Religious smoking joke

A Franciscan and a Jesuit were friends. They were both smokers who found it difficult to pray for a long period of time without having a cigarette. They decided to go to their superiors and ask for permission to smoke.

 

When they met again, the Franciscan was downcast. “I ask...

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A man goes to the doctors office for a check up with his wife once every 10 years

Every time he goes his wife sits in with him to make sure he listens to the doctor’s advice.

When the man is 30 the doctor comes in and asks him, do you drink, smoke or have sex? The man replies, “almost every day.” The doctor tells him to cut down on smoking or he’ll die of lung disease by 4...

There was a young man who was obsessed with tractors as long as he could remember...

When the “World’s Biggest Tractor” was going to be displayed at the county fair, he knew he had to go. He saved up some money, drove to the event, and was first in line to see the tractor up close.

As he was examining the wheels, the tractor ended up lurching forward, pinning his legs as he t...

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A man gets hit by a bus, dies and goes to Hell..

Upon his arrival, he is greeted by Satan's secretary who begins to process his paperwork and give him the run down on what it's like for eternity.

Secretary: "Hell really isn't all that bad, buddy. We have themed daily activities to keep our residents occupied. Were you by any chance a drinke...

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