A bus carrying many ugly people crashed on an icy road, burst into flames, and everyone died.

Upon arrival in heaven, God said, "Since you have died in a terrible way, I'll grant you one wish before I let you into heaven."

The first woman, being a person always concerned on her looks, comes up to God and says "I wish to be beautiful." God grants her wish.

The next person can’...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you know that if you rest one of your testicles on the top of an empty beer bottle, and hold a flame near the base of the bottle your testicle will be sucked into the bottle?

If you did know this, and know how to get the testicle out again, please message me.


URGENTLY!

Jack, a renown atheist, dies and to his utter surprise ends up in hell where he's greeted by Satan himself.

Completely shocked he talks to the devil and says: "Welp, I've been wrong all my life and I guess I'm now to pay the price for my lack of faith"

Satan laughs and replies: "Awh it's not so bad down here, let me give you the tour so you can see for yourself"

He then proceeds to escort Ja...

An old southern farmer is out one day with his dog repairing a fence row when suddenly part of it bursts into flames..

Wow I did not expect this post to blow up.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were in a hotel for a convention.

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were in a hotel for a convention. Then, in the middle of the night for no apparent reason, a fire breaks out in the engineer's wastebasket. The engineer rushes over to the bathroom, empties out the ice bucket, fills it with water and pours it into the ...

Flame tattoos

Looking back at my many tattoos, I’m glad I never did the whole flames on the arms thing. . .

There’s too many places that don’t allow firearms inside.

A man dies, and wakes up on a beach...

There are girls playing beach volleyball, barbeques everywhere, laughter and joy. All of a sudden, Satan comes up to him.

"Welcome to hell. Enjoy yourself, have a drink, have a hamburger and check out the area. If you need anything or have a question, feel free to ask me." he says. The guy wa...

Army soldiers have always helped flames.

They like supporting fire.

Once upon a time, in the magical fantasy kingdom, there lived a young monk named Sam.

His order was renowned for their beautiful choral singing. They trained, hours every day, refining their voices and their art. Their song floated down the mountainside, enriching the lives and souls of the townspeople below.

Sam was particularly gifted, and on his 19th birthday, in mid-song, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Scotsmen go to Hell

[I know this joke has been shared a few times before but I thought I would share my Scottish cultural adaptation of it]

A demon approaches the devil and says "Dark lord! Two men from Glasgow in Scotland have been sent here. What should be done with them?"

The devil says "Glaswegians? T...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had sex with a flame thrower

To be honest, it was kinda hot

You know that feeling when an old flame contacts you out of the blue to tell you that you're a father?

Because it's rapidly becoming apparent to me.

How do the gods kindle the flame of love between two soulmates?

With a match made in heaven.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Boris Johnson, Nigel Farage and Dominic Cummings arrive at the pearly gates.

“Confess a sin” says St. Peter “and I shall grant you access to paradise.”

Johnson goes first, fuffing and fumfering.
“I lied about many things, mostly promising £350 million for the NHS after Brexit which was bollocks. My lot looked into it though and decided it was technically okay.”...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A notorious loan shark is driving drunk one night...

As he's speeding down some curvy mountain roads, the shark loses control of the vehicle and crashes head-on into a tree.

When he comes to, the man finds himself lying on a sofa in a fairly modest looking waiting room. Dizzy, he looks around and sees what appears to be a reception desk at the ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Kung Fu student asks his teacher, "Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated." And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers…

"My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun and their wings seeming like flames?"

"Yes, my master, I have."

"And a waterfall, spilling mightily over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?"

"Yes, my master, I have witnessed it."

"...

A man was sent to hell after his death..

As he was being led into the pits for an eternity of torment, he saw a lawyer passionately kissing a beautiful woman.

“What a joke!” he said. “I have to roast in flames for all eternity and that lawyer gets to spend it with that beautiful woman.” Satan jabbed the man with his pitchfork and s...

Tom absolutely loves tractors

A little boy named Tom was approaching his 3rd birthday, and absolutely adored the show "Tractor Tom", partially because of his name being spoken, and partially because he loved tractors.

As the day drew nearer, his parents decided to buy him a toy tractor as a gift. The rest of his toys wer...

I was thinking about getting flame tattoos on my wrists, going up.

Then I realized I could never be a teacher.




No firearms allowed in school.

Centuries upon centuries ago, a group of nuns lived in a secluded convent deep in the woods.

Centuries upon centuries ago, a group of nuns lived in a secluded convent deep in the woods. The convent provided all of their basic needs: cows for milk, sheep for cheese, grain for bread, and even bees for honey. However, one day a deadly plague swept through the land, infecting all of the siste...

The snake in the desert

N.B. The joke only works if you use American pronunciation, but it's a long joke and I didn't want people to get to the end and complain there's no punchline.

A man named Steve is stuck in a dead end job, 9-5, 7 days a week in a little run down office in the middle of town. He hates it and h...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pierre the French Air Force Ace!

Pierre the French Air Force Ace finishes another successful mission and goes to a small hotel bar to celebrate. He meets a nice lady who after few drinks invites him to go to her hotel room. In the room conversation quickly turns into action and she asks him to kiss her. Pierre without thinking ope...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A bus full of nuns is driving through the Italian Alps...

When all of a sudden the driver misses a turn and the bus is launched of the edge of the cliff, rolls down the side of the mountain and explodes in a spectacular ball of flames.

A few moments later, St. Peter, who was expecting an easy day, found himself faced with 50 newly deceased and quite...

A man gets in a car crash and is sent to Hell.

He is greeted by Satan and three doors. “What’s in the doors?” the man asks. “Well,” Satan responds, “each door contains one of your choices for where to spend the rest of eternity.” The man looks at the doors and asks, “Can I look inside them first?” Satan nods and opens the first door. Inside is a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man steps into a bar with a bird on a leash walking besides him. he straddles up to the bar and sets the bird on the counter to order a drink.

Every few minutes the bird erupts into flames burns to ash and from the ashes a new baby bird is produced.

After a wile of watching this the bartender leans over to the man and says “you know that bird is really something, what’s your name friend?”

The man looks up to the bartender an...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pierre, a French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the river Seine

Pierre, a French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the river Seine. It is a beautiful day and love is in the air, so Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss me".

So our hero grabs a bottle of red wine and splashes it on Marie's lips....

My friend's new flame is in a wheelchair. Despite that he is madly in love and can't stop talking about her.

Personally i find her pretty lame.

What does a flame smell like?

Burnt nose hair.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pierre, a French pilot of WW1 took leave in Paris and went out to sample the nightlife. He has a great night of song and wine and he meets a young lady, who he invites back to his apartment.

The excited pair walk back through the tree lined boulevards and on the way, Pierre drops in to a shop to purchase a bottle of red wine, a bottle of white wine, a bottle of brandy and a box of matches.

When they reach the apartment they waste no time in stripping off and fall passionately ont...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As Notre Dame burns, a terrified Quasimodo climbs higher and higher to escape the flames

but of course the poor creature is hopelessly trapped, and the crowd gathering below yell "Jump, Quasimodo! Jump!"

Quasimodo jerks his thumb over his shoulder, yells "Harroo hink hirris, a hucking harra hoo?" and climbs still higher.

Again the flames pursue him, and again the crowd...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is walking down the street an sees that his favorite brothel is on fire

He selflessly runs into the flames and comes back out with a dwarf sex worker. When asked why he rescued her, he says "I always save a little fellator"

A politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and ...

The group that burned down the school orchestra hall went up in flames with it..

..I have no symphony for them.

What do you call a jacket that goes up in flames?

A blazer

The devil

One day the devil came to a church Ina burst of smoke and flame. He ran up and down the aisles shouting "Lucifer is my name!" "I am evil incarnate, the sum of all your fears!" An old man faced him, said "you don't scare me, I've been married to your sister for the last 48 years!"

An old woman was sitting next to her fire one day when suddenly a spark jumped out and turned into a fairy.

The fairy told the old woman she could have three wishes.

The old woman thinks for a while and then asks for the following:

1) she wants 10 million dollars

2) she wants to be 18 years old again

3) she wants her faithful tomcat, Tiger, to be turned into a healthy 19 year o...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Reigniting the flame

A couple in their 80s is sitting around enjoying another quiet Friday night. The gentleman had lost interest in sex many years ago, but his loving wife still attempts to reignite their flame from time to time. She has an idea that just might work. She just needs to add some shock value. So she g...

Christopher Nolan was directing a scene when the chopper Batman was flying suddenly burst into flames.

Nolan yelled, "CHRISTIAN, BAIL!!"

I finally got around to buying marijuana stocks. They went down in flames at least as fast as any other pot I have ever bought.

I need a joint

Corporal Bread is patrolling through the jungle when suddenly his squad gets ambushed. An incendiary grenade lands by his feet and explodes in a ball of flame. Private Panini exclaims, "Is he dead?!"

The sergeant sombrely replies, "He's toast"

A Christian, a Muslim, a Hindu, and an Atheist all die...

They find themselves on a path in the clouds. First they path slopes down, and they're amazed at how easy it is with the sun on their backs. When it slopes up, they're surprised to find they're not winded. The path curves around a bend slightly to the north. Continuing the curve, they feel the heat ...

I lit my lantern with a match but now I’m too tired to carry it

I should have used a lighter flame

Chemical Plant Fire

One dark night outside a small town a fire started inside the local chemical plant. Before long it exploded into flames and an alarm went out to fire departments from miles around. After fighting the fire for over an hour, the chemical company president approached the fire chief and said, "All of ou...

I feel the same way about slaves as I do shirts with flame patterns on them

I don't want to be friends with anyone who owns either of them

A friend of mine is really into tattoos and recently had both arms done in full sleeve tattoos.

The right arm is done like those flames you see on old hot rods and the left is done to look like the flames of hell.

First night with the new tatts, he went to a pub wearing a singlet to show off his new art, but was refused entry....

No fire arms allowed.

A flower shop burst into flame...

It was a florist fire.

Lovingly slow-cooked over an open flame...

...I served a female deer with herbs to my family at a recent dinner party.

Calling it "Spit-Roasted Dill Doe" was maybe a little unwise.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just a typical story repost with a little twist

A proud farmer lying on his deathbed, asked his three sons to find one object that can be used to fill the inside of the barn. The one who can deliver will be chosen as his heir to the farm.

So the oldest son goes to the market to get hay while the middle son go get leaves and the youngest s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So this redneck is walking in the park when he sees his friend Joe.

Joe is crying his eyes out so the redneck walks up and says why are you crying. And Joe is like, my father died. And the redneck starts weeping bitter tears himself and he is like omg I'm so sorry how did he die.

And so Joe says, my father fell asleep on his armchair while the fire in the hea...

An oilfield worker drives past the same farm everyday and always notices this pig with 3 legs.

One day he finally decides to stop by the farm and ask the farmer what’s going on with that pig.

“Well,” the farmer says, “my house was burning down one day and my poor old dog was trapped in there. Full on flames and smoke and that pig ran in and saved my dog.”

“Did his leg burn off?...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a neo-nazi that's burst into flames

A fire cracker

A fortune teller sat in his tower, practicing seeing into the future.

Instead of using tarot cards or a crystal ball to read the future, he used fine cloth he imported from the East. One day, as he was peering into the future, a strong guest of wind blew through his open window, carrying the cloth straight out the other one. With it being his sole future-seeing cloth,...

I approached my house earlier to see that it was up in flames

I approached my house earlier to see that it was up in flames I’d left the gas on this morning, just to check if my wife had quit smoking like she’d promised.

A Man Is Obsessed With Tractors

A man named John is obsessed with tractors. So obsessed that he has posters of tractors on his wall, tractor toys and even tractor bedsheets.

One day, John meets a woman and they start dating. But the woman is tired of all the tractor related items in Johns home.

Girl: John I really ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An elderly man finds he is unable to perform sexually.

He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things; but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man.

He goes to see the Indian and the medicine man says, "I can cure this."

With that said, he throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a fl...

This happened just this evening at the grocery store...

I was in the produce section, and happened to notice a rather striking looking woman. We smiled and went about our business, but as I was picking out my green onions, I saw a flash of light, and the woman screamed.

When I turned around, her entire right arm was engulfed in flames! Luckily the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A whole city block is burning, and fire trucks from all about are called in, and trying to take down the flames when...

This old, ancient, piece of junk fire truck drives right in the middle of the fire, and takes complete control of the situation; saving the day. After hours, and hours of of fire fighting, the reporters can't wait to interview the captain of this mysterious savior that came out of nowhere.
...

Ten bad Reddit jokes are on a bus...

The bus goes careening off of a cliff, rolls down an embankment and bursts in to flames at the bottom. When rescue crews arrive, they heroically save nine of the jokes. Unfortunately, there was one pun in ten dead.

U.S male active duty and veterans...on this special day, make sure to call up all your old flames, current lovers. Wives and girlfriends as well as any others who helped you out during long deployments and say.....

"Thank you for your cervix!"

A statistician has half his body encased in ice and the other half engulfed in flames.

So on average, they felt fine.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old woman decides to rekindle the flame with her husband...

So one evening she gets fully nude and asks her husband, "So how do you like my birthday suit."

The husband lowers his newspaper, adjusts his glasses, gives a look and goes back to reading saying, "It's nice but sure needs some ironing."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The devil was feeling generous one day

So he decided to give three guys a chance to leave hell and make it to heaven.

"See that ladder over there?" he asked them, pointing to an ornate golden ladder reaching up out of the flames and into white fluffy clouds beyond.

"If you can make it to the top without laughing, I'll let h...

A beta tester walks into a bar

A beta tester runs into a bar

A beta tester crawls into a bar

A beta tester moonwalks into a bar

A beta tester jumps into a bar

A beta tester sneaks into a bar

A beta tester orders 1 beer

A beta tester orders 2 beers

A beta tester orders 0 beers
...

I once new a guy who loved tractors, but one day he sadly fell off his tractor and broke his arm and vowed to never go near a tractor again.

A few months later after coming home from a night out with his friends and with his buddy in tow, he arrived home to find his house on fire.

He immediately rushed inside took the deepest breath he could and inhaled all of the smoke, and all of the flames.

His now bewildered friend aske...

To be fair, Donald Trump HAS created a lot of jobs.

It’s going to take a lot of people to clean up this mess.

A software QA engineer walks into a bar.

He orders a beer. Orders 0 beers. Orders 99999999999 beers. Orders a lizard. Orders -1 beers. Orders a ueicbksjdhd.

First real customer walks in and asks where the bathroom is. The bar bursts into flames, killing everyone.

Ole and Sven are invited to a costume party with their girlfriends.

The party invitation says to come dressed as an emotion. After a day of deliberating, they all agree to meet at Sven’s place before going to the party. Just before Sven is about to put his costume on, there’s a knock on the door. Outside is his girlfriend, Hilda, who’s dressed head to toe in bright ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy dies and goes to hell. The devil says he can choose his punishment.

Before him are three doors, leading to the different areas of hell where punishments are handed out. In the first room, the floor is covered with smoldering embers. A few dozen people are in the room, all in terrible agony from being forced to walk around barefoot on the hot coals. "Nah, too hot"...

A famous French fighter pilot ace in WW1 is on a picnic at his estate with a beautiful woman after the war...

After eating and laying on the charm, he asks to kiss her. Being quite smitten by his good looks, she happily accepts. He drips a rich merlot on her lips and proceeds to kiss her. After a few moments, she works up the nerve to ask “your lips are amazing, but what’s with the wine?”

He repli...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.