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At times I hide my girlfriends asthma inhaler

just to make her scream
“give it to me, give it to me,”
so that my neighbour thinks I have a great sex life.

Ha Ha Ha...i just in inhaled a Helium balloon..

He He He

Sometimes I hide my girlfriend's inhaler

So the neighbors think I'm a stud when they hear her panting, "Give it to me!"

There’s a blind man

The blind man walks into a fish market. He inhales deeply, and says
“Good morning ladies.”

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Every day, a male employee walks up very close to a female co-worker at the coffee machine. He stops, inhales quite deeply and says that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, the woman can't stand it anymore.

She takes her issue to a supervisor in Human Resources and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against the guy.

The supervisor is puzzled and asks, "What's threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"...

It's been reported that Keanu Reeves has been stealing people's inhalers.

In other words, he's breathtaking

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An Irishman stops at an airport in England...

An Irishman stops at an airport in England. While he's waiting for his flight to arrive, he decides to make a quick stop at the airport bar.

As it's late at night, there's only the bartender and two other people there. Always willing to make a new friend, he sits down with the two and starts ...

To show off how wealthy he was, I saw a guy inhale a line of 24K gold dust

It was really Au inspiring.

Imagine what the first person who inhaled helium thought...

They must have spoke very highly about it.

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Hey girl you got an inhaler?

‘Cause you got ass ma

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When I'm bored, I sometimes inhale nitrous oxide after swallowing some laxatives

Just for shits and giggles

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A pot head sits on the balcony with some good shit

He starts rolling a blunt, lights it up and takes a deep puff. All of a sudden a huge fireball flies across the sky. He‘s like „woah, tough shit“. So he rolls another one. He lights it up, inhales and bam! Another huge fireball flies across the sky. „No way, that‘s insane“. He rolls a third one and ...

A man is sitting in the waiting room of a hospital.

He is visibly nervous. Can't stop biting his nails. He's sweating like a pig. Finally, a doctor comes to greet him.

"Your wife is doing okay, sir. Congratulations: you just became a father."

The man has never been so happy in his whole life.
"Actually, sir" says the doctor, "there h...

A young boy was obsessed with farming machinery

A young boy was obsessed with farming machinery, he built models, he drew them, and spent all his free time going to his local farm just for a look at a combine harvester or a hay baler.

As he aged, his interest in mechanised agriculture slowly disappeared, and by the time he was married with...

Father Rabbit teaches his Rabbit Son life lessons.

So Father Rabbit takes four female rabbits and lines them up in front of his son.

"Son", says Father Rabbit, "we are small and vulnerable animals, and everyone in the woods wants to eat us. That's why we have to do everything really fast to stay safe. Including reproduction. I brought these f...

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what a set up, for a dad joke. it's worth it tho

full disclosure, this isn't my joke, was sent to me


I knew a bloke who was a massive fan of tractors his whole life.

When he was a kid, he didn't have toy cars or posters of lambos on his bedroom wall, he had toy tractors and trailers and posters of the latest John Deeres.

...

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"Welcome to porn! Are you at least 18 years of age?"

*inhales cigarette*

"Always have been..."

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The ol' captain of the ship smoked the best tobacco...

All sailors knew, that the captains' pipe was always the best, no matter who and when decided to contest him with a tobacco from the farthest corners of the mother earth. One young sailor decided to swallow his pride, stop competing and asked for advice:

\- Dear captain, we all know that your...

Why did the little boy use his inhaler?

"No wheezin'"

A doctor is operating on a patient.

He says to his assistant: “Helium please” so the assistant wheels over a tank of helium.
The doctor proceeds to put a mask on the patient so he can inhale the gas, but the patient doesn’t respond to the treatment.

The doctor turns to his assistant again. “Curium please”. And the assistant...

A man walks into a bar..

Now, this man isn't your average man. This man was OBSESSED with tractors. He grew up with a farming background and has loved the machines since he was a small boy.

But unfortunately, in his teen years, he had an accident involving his beloved tractor and severely injured himself. He vowed t...

(Long) A man was hungry, bored and thirsty...

One day a man was bored, hungry and thirsty from partying all night at a friends house. So since it was basically the middle of the day he thought that the juice store and the local Applebee’s would have really long lines and he decided to head on down to the bookstore for some entertainment.
...

There was a man, and he loved tractors.

He'd ride tractors, own 10's of tractors, read about tractors, they were his life. One day however, his wife got fed up with his obsession and left him over it.

He decides to kick his obsession to win his wife back, so over the course of a few months, he succeeds. He calls up his wife and say...

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The eel shop

A Japanese laborer was so poor he couldn’t afford any side dishes and ate only rice. At lunch he would take his bento box and sit behind an unagi restaurant. Before each bite he would inhale the delicious smell coming from the restaurant and then put the plain rice into his mouth.

After a co...

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A fly walks into a proctologist’s office

And across the desk of that proctologist the fly goes into the issues that cause him pain.

“Well, where to begin... uhhhh let’s start with my credit, I took a dive of a FICO score from 670 to 450 in the last 6 months, my boss is cracking down on these new reports that corporate wants done da...

The taxi drivers in my town are kinda loopy and a little stupid.

I mean they always recommend I take an Uber next time!? They're always forgetting basic skills like the English alphabet so I have to spell it out for 'em, I've had to show them how to use their inhalers several times and without fail they're always asking if I know why they pulled me over.

I once new a guy who loved tractors, but one day he sadly fell off his tractor and broke his arm and vowed to never go near a tractor again.

A few months later after coming home from a night out with his friends and with his buddy in tow, he arrived home to find his house on fire.

He immediately rushed inside took the deepest breath he could and inhaled all of the smoke, and all of the flames.

His now bewildered friend aske...

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A man is stranded on a small island. Few days have passed and while waiting for rescue, he starts to miss his wife and yearns for sex.

One day he happens to find a female boar on the island. He can no longer resist his temptation so he plans to let it all out on the boar. However, whenever he tries to make love to it, the boar starts fighting back and runs away. Days gone by and the same thing happens again and again - no matter wh...

A bird and weed story

In the 1970s, law enforcement officers on the California coast would gather all the confiscated marijuana plants and burn them in a giant incinerator. Terns would fly overhead and inhale the fumes. At the end of the day, they found that no terns were left unstoned.

On a crisp Fall morning a farmer went out to cut firewood for the winter.

He cut, split and stacked for six hours and then, just as he was getting done for the day, he saw an elderly Indian by the fence. He went to say hello and the Indian said "How. You have-um smoke?", so the farmer handed over his tobacco pouch and the Indian helped himself to a pipeful, lit up, inhale...

A blind man and his wife

A recently blind man sits down to dinner with his wife and friends, one of his closest friends asks “What’s it like being blind, have you had to rely a lot upon your wife?”

The man much to his wife’s displeasure replies “Actually I have found that where my eyesight failed, my other senses pi...

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A refugee visits a doctor

So after fleeing from his home country a young midlle eastern refugee ends up in a nice wealthy north european country. Everything seems to look good for him, till he starts to feel sick. He has no idea what could be the problem so he goes to visit a doctor.

After he told the doctor his symp...

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The rabbit(R) is sitting by the lake smoking weed, a beaver(B) is swimming by, sees the rabbit and asks

B: hey, what you got there?
R: oh, this thing is called weed and it does some insane shit. You inhale hold it, swit to the other side and exhale. It makes you feel sooooo goood.
B: lemme try
The rabbit gives him the weed, the beaver does like the rabbit said, comes out the other side of the...

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A beaver swims in the river and notices a cow smoking on the shore.

"Hey, cow! Whatcha doin?"

"Nothing... Just chillin..."

"And what's this funky smelling cigarette?"

"Oh! That's pot. It makes you chill. Wanna try?"

The beaver took a puff and started coughing immediately.

"Dude! You need to hold it! Inhale... Waaaait... Exhale"
...

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A goth, a weeb and a brony walks into a bar

Bartender said well well well! We don't see you people often in here. So how about this, I'ma make you an offer. Each one of you say the most embarrassing thing you have done, and the person with the most cringe-worthy story gets a drink for free.

The Goth said, well I cut my ex's name in my ...

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He grasped me firmly but gently just above my elbow and guided me into a room...

He grasped me firmly but gently just above my elbow and guided me into a room, his room.

Then he quietly shut the door and we were alone.

He approached me soundlessly, from behind, and spoke in a low, reassuring voice close to my ear, “Just relax.”

Without warning, he reached d...

What do you call an asthmatic vampire?

Vlad the Inhaler

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A Gargoyle, A Jinn, and A Dark Shaman are hanging out in a cemetery...

A gargoyle a jinn and a dark shaman are hanging out in a cemetery, close to midnight.

The shaman turns to the jinn and says,
"I bet my soul against your eternal servitude, that I can raise more corpses freshly dead within the past 10 years, than you can steal the souls of the living by gra...

Smoking Kills

Experts say that every time you inhale a drag of a cigarette, it takes 7 seconds off your life.

When I was a teenager, my best friend and I tried cigarettes for the first time. I ended up smoking for 25 years, but my friend only inhaled **once**.

Yesterday, while out walking his dog, ...

Why can't Bill Clinton go scuba diving?

He won't inhale.

[ANTI-CLIMACTIC] The difference between 4chan, Yahoo answers, and Reddit

A man gets sick with a cold, so he decides to browse the internet to get effective remedies to help him.

He visits Yahoo answers, and gets a response telling him to "use bed :))))"

He visits Reddit, after posting his question, he realizes he posted in r/gaming, he gets downvoted to obl...

There were two whales at a bar.

The first whale says to the second (make whale noises until everyone is a little uncomfortable).

Then the second whale says back to the first (inhale sharply), "Go home Frank. You're drunk."

Weight check

A man stands on his bathroom scale. As his wife walks in she sees him inhale and hold it to suck in his stomach.


She says "That's not going to make a difference".


He says "Sure it is, now I can see the numbers".

Asthmatic people are so aggressive

This girl was punching and kicking me and kept on gasping and making noises.

All I really did was take her inhaler.

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A little kid is tossing a nickel in the air and catching it in his mouth...

The little kid says "Hey dad watch this!" and does it again. This time he actually inhales the nickel and starts choking.

The dad realizes what is happening and slaps the kid on the back trying to dislodge the nickel. Nothing. The gives the kid the Heimlich maneuver, still nothing.

In ...

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Prom Night

Jimmy and Jessica are both seniors in high school, and prom is approaching. They've been dating for two years, and Jimmy wants to make sure that everything goes perfectly for Jessica; he really wants the night to be special and wants to pull out all the stops. Being that prom is only a month away, h...

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Monkey Business On A Bus

This guy has a monkey and he wants to go down to Florida for spring break, so him and his monkey get on this Greyhound bus and head down. On the way there's a terrible crash. The bus drives off the road and everyone on board dies. It's a horrible bloodbath with body parts scattered everywhere. E...

A joke my father told me.

I haven't seen it here yet so I hope its fresh;

A new inmate spends his first night in prison and after things quiet down for the night, he hears someone from one of the upper floors call out. "THIRTY SEVEN!" he shouts. An uproar of laughter fills the prison.

The new inmate is somewhat...

A man becomes marooned on a deserted island...

He's learned how to survive and manages to keep up the routine for 10 years. One day while sitting on the beach a gorgeous woman walks out of the waves in full scuba gear. He runs up to her ecstatic to see another human face. He is still in disbelief when he says, "Are... are you real?" She nods...

Tractors

For a long time now, I've had an obsession with tractors. When I was little, all I asked for for my birthday was tractor related stuff. I had tractor toys, tractor stationary, tractor bags.

When I was 17, my parents bought me my very first tractor. It was a bit rusty, but I was just elated ...

If the voting recount flips the outcome of the election, I have the perfect guy to call Trump and tell him that he's no longer going to be President...

Steve Harvey.

"I have to apologize.....the 1st runner-up, is Trump. The next President of the United States is...Hillary Clinton!"

*DEEP INHALE*

"***WRONG***"

A man walks into a bar...

After a few beers he is in the middle of a conversation with the bartender, they start talking about penguins and the man brings up:
"I have never seen a penguin"
The bartender replies "what?! You have never seen a penguin?! Get out of my bar and never come back".
The bartender calls for se...

John grew up on a farm

John grew up on a farm in a small town away from the hustle and bustle of the city. His whole life he has been a huge fan of tractors, his curtains and carpets had tractor patterns on, there were posters of John Deere's covering his walls, he even had his parents buy him a waffle maker that makes wa...

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In 1859, there was this German Chemist living in London, England.

One day he received a new batch of experimental powder from Columbia. Curious to find out what the substance was, he opened the package and it erupted in a puff of powder. After inhaling half the cloud the Chemist felt vibrant, energised and happy.

“I hast not seen ziss beefore”, thought t...

A Russian, a French and a German tourist walk through New Guinea...

...when, suddenly, a cannibal tribe emerges from the jungle and attacks them. They're caught and brought to the village, where the tribe's chief walks out.

"Ah," he says, "nice to meet you! Now, we'll eat you, of course, that's our tradition, but it's nothing personal, I don't want you to thi...

It starts off with a farmer having a young son who is really really interested in tractors.

For his 3rd birthday his father takes him to a tractor show and the boy loves it, he can't get enough of it.

For his 10th birthday his father lets him ride with him on his tractor, again the son is loving tractors, can't get enough of them.

For his 17th birthday the father buys his son...

Three blondes are in an elevator

Three blondes are in an elevator when the elevator suddenly stops and the lights go out. They try using their cell phones to get help, but have no luck. Even the phones are out.

After a few hours of being stuck with no help in sight, one blonde says to the others "I think the best way to cal...

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The generals' stroll

Two generals are walking through a military base when they notice a pile of dog shit in front of them. They stop, examining it ponderously and begin to debate. The debate stretches on and on until the taller and thinner of the two calls out to a nearby soldier:

"I say, private! Tell us what t...

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The bull trick (a bit long)

An old cattle farmer is being helped by the local vet with his herd of cows and bulls. It is breading season and some of his older bulls are having a bit of a hard time performing. These are top of the line studs, but age is finally catching up with the bulls. The farmer laments to the vet "Well, I ...

The man who loved tractors

A while ago, there was this man living in Devonshire called Paul. He lived in the rural areas and LOVED tractors. Big ones, small ones, long ones, short ones, red ones, green ones, grey ones, you name it. He was also a member of the Tractor Society, which would put out a magazine every month.
...

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Little Johnny

Little Johnny asked his Mom what 2 words mean that kids at school were using ........ Pussy and Bitch.

Mom inhaled sharply, but then said: "Oh, that's easy. A pussy is a cat, like our little Chico . A bitch is a female dog, like our Sandy ."

"Thanks, Mom."

He then found h...

DON'T BREATHE!

Studies show that 100% of humans that have died have inhaled oxygen at least once in their life.

A blind man gets in a cab on his way back from work,

and cracks down his window as it's a nice day. He and the driver make some small talk, when the driver eventually asks,

"Is it true that blind people have a better sense of smell than the rest of us?"

"Of course it is!" the blind man exclaims. "I'll prove it to you."

"Alright,"...

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Jesus decided to come down on earth after 2000 years

And wanted to save people. He saw an old lady, looking rather devoted religious type, long coat, veggie cart etc. He walked up to her and said "Hi, I'm Jesus and I'm here to save you". She started hitting him with her bag, shouting "Get lost you heretic!". Sad Jesus continued his soul saving quest.<...

A man lights up a joint after refuelling his car.

A man was refueling his car when he lost concentration and the petrol began to overflow, splashing all over him. He dries himself off and pays for the petrol before getting in his car and continuing on his way.

A little while later he was driving down the road and decided to light up a joint ...

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Jeffrey vs. Clown (long)

Jeffrey is a young man growing up in a small, mid-century town. He's a sensitive, bookish type, but overall Jeffrey is a nice guy with a good heart. One day, the circus comes to town. Having nothing else to do (as there was no internet or video games in that time), Jeffrey decides to buy a ticket....

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