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Cloud Jokes

Daddy, what are clouds made of?

Linux servers, mostly.

First day as a pilot. Control tower: Can you give me your position? Me: I am next to a cloud that looks like a lion. Control tower: Can you be more specific?

Me: Simba

From my 6 year old: What does a cloud wear beneath its pants?

Thunderwear!


Edit: Thanks so much for the awards! I told my 6yo this morning how much love his joke got, and he’s absolutely walking on air!

You may have just helped create a comedian, you monsters.

A flat-Earther died, and to his surprise found himself standing on a cloud in front of the gates of heaven

A flat-Earther died, and to his surprise found himself standing on a cloud in front of the gates of heaven. God himself was there and told him he would be happy to answer any questions the man might have - about anything across the entirety of Space and Time.
So of course the man said - "Was I ...

what do you call a computer in the clouds?

high tech

Why did the cloud do drugs and join a gang?

Atmospheric Pressure.

What kind of shorts do clouds wear?

Thunderwear.




I’ll let myself out...

I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say

"Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!"

What does a cloud wear under his raincoat?

Thunderwear.

A cloud, a lake and a mountain are having an argument...

>A cloud, a lake and a mountain are having a big argument, they are all yelling claiming each one is the greatest form of nature alive.

>To settle this, they come up with a little challenge: Who can kill the most humans with a single action.

>The cloud goes first.

>W...

A Montana cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud toward him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?" The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefu...

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A nun is praying in her convent in rural Ireland when there is a sudden bang and a cloud of green smoke

When the smoke clears she sees two honest to goodness leprechauns standing in front of her, looking just like the legends said they looked. Fine green clothes, top hats, red mutton chops and standing about two feet tall. One stares at his feet sheepishly. The more confident one speaks

"Top ...

What do you call a filet mignon made from clouds?

A mist steak.

Why did the cloud-based company have a terrible attitude?

It was full of SaaS.

It’s amazing how many animals you can see while looking at clouds in the sky…

I mean, 99% of them are just sheep without legs or heads, but it’s amazing isn’t it?!!

what do clouds wear under their shorts?

Thunderpants

What do clouds wear beneath their clothes?

Thunder-wear!


Credit: My kid brought this home from class the other day.... I've been laughing all day...

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If you only had one beer, you’re not an alcoholic. If you make one song on SoundCloud, you’re not a rapper.

But I have sex with one guy and now I’m gay?

At a university there was a dean who cared about others and showed exemplary behavior. One day an angel appeared at a faculty conference.

The angel said as a reward for his good deeds that God would give him his choice of eternal riches, eternal wisdom, or eternal beauty.

The dean chose eternal wisdom without hesitation.

"Good," said the angel, disappearing into a cloud of smoke.

Everyone present turned their gaze...

Since Vampires are supposedly hurt by holy water, I always wondered why priests don't just say a prayer over every storm cloud, kill the vampires from above. Then I realized why so many Vampires are from Europe...

Someone already blessed the rains down in Africa

I have a really good joke about clouds.

But it would probably go over your head.

A man is playing golf, but keeps missing all his shots, and swearing, until a priest comes up to him and tells him not to use the lords name in vain.

"Jesus's christ! Missed again!" The golfer shouts in anger. "You mustn't swear like that, or God will enact his wrath on you." The priest explains. But the man doesn't listen.

His next shot is even further off. "Jesus christ! Missed again." The man yells in anger. The priest explains again, h...

What do clouds wear under their clothes?

Thunderwear!




that was from my 5 year old who is clearly funnier than me

Three men go to heaven

At the gate into heaven St. Peter tells them, they can have everything they want as long as they do not step on a dark cloud. After that, they enter and have an amazing time.

But after a week the first comes up to the others with his leg in a bear trap. The others ask him:
"What happend?"<...

One day an old Ukrainian man found an antique lamp

He starts it to polish it off and 'Poof', a genie appears in a cloud of smoke.

"Hoho, Mortal!" says the genie, stretching and yawning, "For releasing me I will grant you three wishes."

The old man thinks for a moment, and says, "I want Genghis Khan resurrected. I want him to re-...

A very religious man went on a safari

When he was there, he found a huge lion. The man didn't have a gun and there was no way he could outrun the lion. So, he did the only thing he could do. He got on his knees and prayed "Dear God, I was always a good Christian. Will you perform a miracle and give this lion some christian feelings"....

While walking down the street one day, a senator is tragically hit by a truck and killed.

His soul arrives in Heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.


"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."


"No problem, just let ...

You are like a cloud.

When you disappear it’s a beautiful day.

A Muslim dies and finds himself before the Pearly Gates...

He is very excited, as all his life he has longed to meet the Prophet Mohammed. 

Having arrived at the Gates of
Heaven, he meets a man with a beard. 

"Are you Mohammed?" he asks. 

"No, my son. I am Peter. Mohammed is higher up." And he points to a ladder that rises into the c...

pope francis

One day pope Francis dies and comes to the Pearly Gates. God himself is picking him up and guides him to his very own cloud. God leaves.

Francis has his own harp and uses his time to praise the lord. After some hours god shows up again carrying a silver tray with a yogurt on it and a spoon. T...

Where do clouds keep their money?

In a fog bank.

What kind of steak do SoundCloud rappers like?

Skirrrt steak.

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time.

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pro...

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A man is walking along...

when he sees a ladder going straight up into the clouds. His curiosity gets the better of him so he starts climbing.

He reaches a cloud, upon which is sitting a stout, ugly woman.

"Screw me or climb the ladder to success," she says.

No thanks, thinks the man, so he climbs the la...

Cloud Joke

Did you ever hear about the water in the atmosphere that tried to break the rules of condensation?

It wasn't a cloud.

What does a wealthy cloud do?

Make it rain

What did the pilot say while flying in clouds minutes before crashing into a mountain?

Psh, I don't need these instruments, I fly as I CFIT.

(CFIT: controlled flight into terrain - usually pronounced 'see fit')

Technically, Moses was the first man in history to download data from the cloud to his tablet.

Technically, Moses was the first man in history to download data from the cloud to his tablet. And lucky the data is also in the cloud, cause he got angry and smashed his tablet, so he needed a new one to download everything again.

the world’s best cloud storage service was released today, called Titanic.

It’s always synching

What cloud based storage service do mexicans use?

JuanDrive

Look at that cloud, trying to act all cool..

He's nothin' but smog

Why did the little clouds idolize the big cloud?

Because he was the raining champion.

A few moments after the big bang a cloud full of Hydrogen atoms fall into a blackhole and die.

A few moments after the big bang a cloud full of Hydrogen atoms fall into a blackhole and die. The arrive at the border between multiverses and meet Saint Platinum-Erbium

St PtEr says to them "Welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all through, but before I may do that, I must ask each...

A struggling SoundCloud rapper decides to get a job as a farmer...

He now produces his own beets

Amazing Red Cloud

A guy was driving down the highway in Arizona and he sees a sign that says “Amazing Red Cloud, the Indian who remembers everything”. So the guy pulls over and there under a canopy sits an Indian on a bucket.

The guy asks the Indian, “What did you have for breakfast on July 8th, 1987?”

...

An atheist is hiking in the woods...

So an atheist is hiking in the woods when he stumbles across a huge hungry grizzly bear. The bear rears up to full height and gives a roar as it leans in toward the man. The atheist screams in terror "Oh God, help me!!!"

Suddenly, everything--> the bear, the trees, the birds, everything bu...

Is difficult to distinguish between cirrus, stratus, and cumulus clouds...

...especially since most of the time they are in de-skies.

There are two buddy’s watching clouds together

There are two buddy’s watching clouds together, they point out shapes that they see in the clouds. One of them says oh look that one looks like a bunny, the other points out one that looks like a smiley face. After awhile the first guy asks his friend do you ever think the clouds look down at us and...

We have clouds, and we have ocean.

What more could you want, from Sky Atlantic?

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A man is walking along the street when he sees a ladder...

...stretching well up into the clouds. Being the adventurous type, Harry begins to climb.

After a short while he stops at a cloud and sees a large, ugly looking woman lying there.

"Take me now or climb the ladder to success," she said.

He decided that he was definitely not drunk...

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first mathematician orders a beer

The second orders half a beer

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender rema...

A cloud floated into the bar for a drink

The bartender said “I’m sorry, but your thunder-aged”

What did the little cloud say about the big cloud?

I think you're condensating for something.

I once watched a film about clouds...

but it was way over my head.

A joke for world war 2 enthusiasts

A British World War II pilot is reminiscing before school children about his days in the air force.

"In 1942," he says, "the situation was really tough. The Germans had a very strong air force. I remember, " he continues, "one day I was protecting the bombers and suddenly, out of the c...

Did you all hear the one about the cloud?

Never mind, it’ll probably go over your head.

The world was a dust cloud, then it solidified, and some fish evolved into a human

And the rest was history

I was going to slap you because your head was in the clouds

But I mist

Three Buddhist monks die in a car crash…

They arrive in a beautiful clouded world and begin to walk towards a man. He is standing in front of the golden gates of heaven.

“Hello! I am Peter. Behind me, is Heaven. Unfortunately, I can’t let you in since you three weren’t Christians… But! if you can tell me what the meaning of Easter ...

What do you get if you mix a very sad cloud and the ocean?

Tropical Depression.

A politician dies. Instead of going straight to heaven or hell, a spirit appears to him.

The spirit tells him that, rather than being judged for his sins, he gets to choose whether he goes to heaven or hell.

The politician replies that of course he wants to go to heaven. The spirit tells him that before he chooses, he has to visit both places so each one will get a fair chance.<...

A guy was boarding a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. "This is exciting!" thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person.” Suddenly, the man realized his seat was right next to the Pope himself!

Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to His Holiness.

Shortly after take-off, the Pope took a crossword puzzle out of his carry on bag and began penciling in the answers.

"This is fantastic!" the gentleman mused. "I'm really good at crosswords!"

It crossed his mind that if ...

There’s this couple outside looking at clouds.

The guy points at a cloud and says, “That one looks like a horse.”

The girl laughs and points another cloud and says, “That one looks like a dog.”

They both laugh and the guy points at another cloud and says, “That one looks like a mushroom.”

Why was the cloud low hanging?

It was watered down.

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Three couples in line to enter the Pearly Gates…

St. Peter addresses the first couple. He reads from the big book and finally looks up at the man and says with a dripping sarcasm, “You want to get into heaven? You were the cheapest son of a gun who ever lived! You didn’t give to charity. You didn’t help out family members. You were so obsessed wit...

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Who called it thunder and not SoundCloud?

Probably some scared Australian who went to his basement.

Don't step on the pink cloud

Three friends, Sarah, Emily, and Rachel were in a terrible car accident and died. They ended up at the gates of heaven. There was an angel standing there waiting to welcome them, and at the end of his welcome speech, he warned "no matter what you do, don't ever step on the pink cloud". Thus, the thr...

Hey baby, are you a cloud server?

Because I have something to upload from my hard drive.

One cloud says to another, "Oh no, we don't have enough water to make a rainstorm"

The other cloud says, "don't worry - we'll make dew"

Daddy, what are clouds made of?

Child: Dad what are clouds made of?
Dad: "Well, EMC storage and VM ware ESXi servers, mostly.

Every cloud has a silver lining...

... unless it's a mushroom cloud. Then it's likely strontium.

Cloud Roulette

Three men in a car get into a crash and wind up in front of Saint Peter himself.

"Ah, first vist of the day! Not that I wanted you to die..." Saint Peter looks at a small clipboard and says, "Names!"

All men respond with their full names.

"Okay then... What? That's odd... None o...

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Pink Clouds

Every time I this joke, I always tell it replacing the "Guy 1," "Guy 2," etc. with friends' names. It's much funnier that way, but tell it however you wish. That's the great thing about it; you can change it to fit whoever you're telling it to, doesn't have to be about a pub. I once told it where my...

What's the difference between Mick Jagger and a Scottish Highlander?

Mick Jagger sings, "Hey you, get off of my cloud . . ", while the Scottish Highlander yells, "Hey McCloud, get off of my ewe!"

A Soviet couple were walking down the street when they saw a dark cloud

The husband said “I think it’s going to rain”

The wife said “I think it’s going snow”

The husband asked a communist officer on the street “Officer Rudolf, will it rain or snow?”

The officer said “it will definitely rain”

When the husband told the wife, she asked “but how ...

A sweet young girl walks into an elevator at Macy's, trailing a cloud of expensive perfume.

She brags to the elderly woman who was inside, Coco Chanel $900 per ounce.

The lift reaches the second floor where the old lady is about to get off. As she steps out of the elevator, she rips out a rumbling fart. Trailing a heavy cloud, she smiles sweetly and announces, broccoli, 49 cents a p...

Mick Jagger is sitting on a cloud.

He sees a piece of gold on the cloud with him and throws it off exclaiming

Au get off of my cloud!

Four rabbis are having a debate

Four rabbis are debating scripture out in the garden, and one of them notices he's continuously outvoted by the other three even though he's absolutely certain he's right. At a certain point, his frustration gets the best of him and he stands up, raises his hands and and says "My Lord, you must know...

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Some people are like clouds..

..Once they fuck off it's a nice day.

An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing

when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both.

As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, “Oh, my God! Please help me!”

At once, the ferocious attack sc...

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Four prisoners are killed in a prison bus accident

A drug dealer, a car thief, a bank robber and a rapist all die and are sent immediately to hell. Once there Satan begins checking his documents and says he isn’t ready for them. He says “you died a little too soon. So we don’t have anywhere to put you. I will be clearing out a few places for you but...

An Irishman is struggling to find a parking space

“Lord”, he prays, ”I cannot stand this, please open a parking space for me and I swear I’ll give up the drink and go to mass every Sunday.”

The clouds part and the sun shines on an empty space in the car park. Without hesitation the Irishman says, “Actually never mind, I’ve found one.”

Everyone’s heard The Rolling Stones song that says “Hey, you, get off of my cloud”

Less well known is the Irish version, that goes “Hey, McCloud, get off of my ewe”

Claims that cloud storage is the future of smartphone memory issues

Sounds good, but I have no data to back it up.

Moses was very modern

He was the first to get a tablet with a data from the cloud

What did the clouds do after seeing the light show?

They gave a thunderous applause.

Why didn't anyone laugh at the poor cloud's joke?

It was a cirrus joke

What is the preferred drink for people in St. Cloud?

Mini Soda

Dear SoundCloud rappers who shout "aye you already know who it isssssss"

No we do not.

sincerely, the general population

Fidel Castro, Vladimir Putin, and the Oort Cloud are riding on a train.

Fidel Castro pulls an expensive Cuban cigar out of his pocket, lights it, and then throws it out the window after only a few puffs. Vladimir Putin and the Oort Cloud are both surprised by this and ask "what are you doing, Fidel? That's an expensive cigar!" To which Castro responds, "in your country/...

What did one cloud of fog say to the other?

I don't know. It's a Mistery.

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Nick had always wanted to own a motorcycle, which is why he leapt at the chance when a friend of a friend was selling his bike

The bike, despite being old, was in immaculate condition.

"How do you keep it so pristine?" asks Nick.

"Oh, it's easy! Any time it's about to rain, I just coat the body with vaseline, and the rain and mud just slips right off! Here, I'm not going to need it anymore, why don't you take ...

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Sitting on a cloud in Heaven, Einstein tries to explain Hitler relativity theory. When finished, Einstein asks Hitler "Did you get me?"

"No," replies Hitler, "you died of old age."

What do you call the concentric clouds around a nuclear explosion?

Freedom rings.

What song does Han Solo play when he flies away from Cloud City?

Bailando

What do you call a North Korean dictator who produces music on SoundCloud?

Kim Jong Tune

An angel appears at a faculty meeting...

... And tells the dean that in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, the Lord will reward him with his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom, or beauty. Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom.
"Done!" says the angel and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning. ...

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A young Native American asks a tribal elder

A young Native American asks a tribal elder: "How do our people come up with the names for newborn babies?"

"Well," the elder replies, "we take inspiration from nature to come up with names. For example, do you see the stream over there? If a baby were to be born right now, we might call him ...

Have you heard the joke about the cloud?

No? Eh, it's way over your head.

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