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A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into the clouds.

As any of us would do, he climbed the ladder.

He reached a cloud, upon which was sitting a rather plump and very ugly woman.

"Screw me or climb the ladder to success," she said.

No contest, thought the man, so he climbed the ladder to the next cloud. On this cloud was a slightly...

A Soviet couple were walking down the street when they saw a dark cloud

The husband said “I think it’s going to rain”

The wife said “I think it’s going snow”

The husband asked a communist officer on the street “Officer Rudolf, will it rain or snow?”

The officer said “it will definitely rain”

When the husband told the wife, she asked “but how ...

I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say

"Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!"

A World War II Spitfire pilot is speaking in a church and reminiscing about his war experiences. "In 1942, the situation was really tough. The Germans had a very strong air force. I remember, one day, I was protecting the bombers and suddenly, out of the clouds, these fokkers appeared!"

There are a few gasps from the parishioners, and several of the children began to giggle.

"I looked up, and realized that two of the fokkers were directly above me. I aimed at the first one and shot him down. By then, though, the other fokker was right on my tail."

At this point, sever...

What kind of shorts do clouds wear?

Thunderwear.




I’ll let myself out...

Technically it was Moses.....

that had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.

There are two buddy’s watching clouds together

There are two buddy’s watching clouds together, they point out shapes that they see in the clouds. One of them says oh look that one looks like a bunny, the other points out one that looks like a smiley face. After awhile the first guy asks his friend do you ever think the clouds look down at us and...

Look at that cloud, trying to act all cool..

He's nothin' but smog

Why did the cloud do drugs and join a gang?

Atmospheric Pressure.

What do you call the concentric clouds around a nuclear explosion?

Freedom rings.

the world’s best cloud storage service was released today, called Titanic.

It’s always synching

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The word DEFINITELY...

One day in class, the teacher was teaching the kids the vocabulary word of the day.

"Ok class, the word for the day is definitely. Can anyone use it in a sentence?" she asked.

Straight A's Sally in the front row raises her hand and says, "The tree is definitely green."

"Sorry Sa...

Why did the little clouds idolize the big cloud?

Because he was the raining champion.

One cloud says to another, "Oh no, we don't have enough water to make a rainstorm"

The other cloud says, "don't worry - we'll make dew"

What cloud based storage service do mexicans use?

JuanDrive

Daddy, what are clouds made of?

Linux servers, mostly.

I read that the Large Magellanic Cloud is going to collide with the Milky Way in 2 billion years.

Maybe the government shutdown will be over by then.

In England, the saying goes “hey you, get offa my cloud!”

In Scotland, the saying goes “hey Cloud, get offa my ewe!”

A sweet young girl walks into an elevator at Macy's, trailing a cloud of expensive perfume.

She brags to the elderly woman who was inside, Coco Chanel $900 per ounce.

The lift reaches the second floor where the old lady is about to get off. As she steps out of the elevator, she rips out a rumbling fart. Trailing a heavy cloud, she smiles sweetly and announces, broccoli, 49 cents a p...

A guy was boarding a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. "This is exciting!" thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person.” Suddenly, the man realized his seat was right next to the Pope himself!

Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to His Holiness.

Shortly after take-off, the Pope took a crossword puzzle out of his carry on bag and began penciling in the answers.

"This is fantastic!" the gentleman mused. "I'm really good at crosswords!"

It crossed his mind that if ...

There’s this couple outside looking at clouds.

The guy points at a cloud and says, “That one looks like a horse.”

The girl laughs and points another cloud and says, “That one looks like a dog.”

They both laugh and the guy points at another cloud and says, “That one looks like a mushroom.”

Why was the cloud low hanging?

It was watered down.

Since Vampires are supposedly hurt by holy water, I always wondered why priests don't just say a prayer over every storm cloud, kill the vampires from above. Then I realized why so many Vampires are from Europe...

Someone already blessed the rains down in Africa

What did the clouds do after seeing the light show?

They gave a thunderous applause.

Mick Jagger is sitting on a cloud.

He sees a piece of gold on the cloud with him and throws it off exclaiming

Au get off of my cloud!

What song does Han Solo play when he flies away from Cloud City?

Bailando

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.

The first mathematician orders a beer.


The second orders half a beer.


"I don't serve half-beers," the bartender replies.


"Excuse me?" asks mathematician #2.


The bartender remarks, "What kind of bar serves half-beers? That's ridiculous."


"Oh c'mo...

What version of the Rolling Stones' "Hey You, Get Off of My Cloud" is played on Scottish Radio?

Hey, McCloud! Get off of my ewe!

Why didn't anyone laugh at the poor cloud's joke?

It was a cirrus joke

What do you call it when clouds form in Africa?

Wakandensation

What did the joker say to the wispy ice cloud?

Why so cirrus?

You're just like Brian...

A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Brian"
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things ha...

Claims that cloud storage is the future of smartphone memory issues

Sounds good, but I have no data to back it up.

Daddy, what are clouds made of?

Child: Dad what are clouds made of?
Dad: "Well, EMC storage and VM ware ESXi servers, mostly.

Amazing Red Cloud

A guy was driving down the highway in Arizona and he sees a sign that says “Amazing Red Cloud, the Indian who remembers everything”. So the guy pulls over and there under a canopy sits an Indian on a bucket.

The guy asks the Indian, “What did you have for breakfast on July 8th, 1987?”

...

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God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day.

He inquired, 'Where have you been?'
God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, 'Look, Michael. Look what I've made.'
Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, 'What is it?'
'It's a planet,' replied God, 'and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's...

Two painters are painting a church

They notice that they don't have enough paint so they pour some water in it and finish their job. 5 minutes later a thunderstorm rains and washes everything away.

A booming voice comes over from the clouds as the painters watch.

"Repaint and thin no more"

Where do the people of Cloud City get their sports?

B.E.S.P.N.

Why isn’t Steven Hawking in heaven?

He’s still uploading to the cloud

Hey baby, are you a cloud server?

Because I have something to upload from my hard drive.

Don't step on the pink cloud

Three friends, Sarah, Emily, and Rachel were in a terrible car accident and died. They ended up at the gates of heaven. There was an angel standing there waiting to welcome them, and at the end of his welcome speech, he warned "no matter what you do, don't ever step on the pink cloud". Thus, the thr...

God in a parking lot

A man is struggling to find a parking space. “Lord,” he prays. “I can’t stand this. If you open a space up for me, I swear I’ll give up the drink and go to church every Sunday.”

Suddenly, the clouds part and the sun shines on an empty parking spot. Without hesitation, the man says: “Never min...

What do you call it when your Cloud (IT) services go down?

Rain

A man walks down the street when he finds a ladder going all the way to the clouds

(Long) The man being a curious fellow decides to climb the ladder to see where it goes. After he makes it past the clouds he sees the most hideous woman sitting naked atop the layer of clouds. The woman calls to him saying "Take me now, or climb the ladder to success". The man thought success sounds...

A young girl runs under a church awning to escape the rain.

"Wow, it's really pouring sky buckets out here!" she yells to the priest greeting visitors.

Before he can respond, the sky releases a torrential downpour, as if a thousand firehoses opened up from the clouds.

"Whoa! Now it's *really* raining cats and dogs!" she exclaims. Suddenly, a c...

my son was so funny today!

so i was walking in the park and my son said “what are those white things in the sky dad?” so i said that those are clouds. next he asked “what is the earths defense system?” and then i remembered i don’t have a son and he looked at me with obsidian black eyes and said “w̶̱̮̓̈̏h̷̺̮̙̊͘̕ȧ̶̹͓̪͑̃t̴̳̪͚̀...

Every cloud has a silver lining...

... unless it's a mushroom cloud. Then it's likely strontium.

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One day, Adolf Hitler looked outside and saw heavy storm clouds.

Worried, he contacted a meteorologist and asked him what the weather was going to be like.

The meteorologist replied, "Hail, Hitler!"

What did one cloud of fog say to the other?

I don't know. It's a Mistery.

Why was the Sun mad at all the clouds?

Because they kept throwin shade

Harry Potter is invited to a... "gathering" at Hogwarts one night.

He is told to go through the door marked by a gryphon. As he does so, he wonders what this is all about. When he enters the room, he is stunned to see Malfoy obviously inebriated on the floor, just slitherin' over to the side, towards a guy who would repeatedly huff 'n' puff clouds of smoke. Next to...

Helium walks into a bar.

Or, rather than walks, floats; for helium, at room temperature, is a gas, and thus has no legs with which to walk, and, due to its lighter-than-air nature, does not sink to the ground. The bartender himself is confused, for not only is helium invisible to the naked eye in the absence of another obje...

Fidel Castro, Vladimir Putin, and the Oort Cloud are riding on a train.

Fidel Castro pulls an expensive Cuban cigar out of his pocket, lights it, and then throws it out the window after only a few puffs. Vladimir Putin and the Oort Cloud are both surprised by this and ask "what are you doing, Fidel? That's an expensive cigar!" To which Castro responds, "in your country/...

What is the preferred drink for people in St. Cloud?

Mini Soda

Cheap pastor

A cheap pastor had a church with significant need of a paint job. The estimate calls for 100 gallons of white latex paint but he decided to buy only one 20 gallon can he knows latex paint can be thinned with water. So he diluted 1:1 and it still coats and looks white. So he dilutes again to stret...

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There once was a snail named Sam who lived in a forest which had an interesting reputation;

all the forest creatures would design elaborate vehicles and then race against each other every month. The snail loved to watch the races, and dreamed of participating one day.

However, everyone told the snail there was no way someone as slow as him would ever race. But, he was determined! Fo...

Q. What do clouds do when they become rich?

A. They make it rain!

Manure

Schwartz, an elderly man, is resting peacefully on the porch of his small hotel outside Boca when he sees a cloud of dust up the road. He walks out to see who could be approaching: It is a Southern farmer with a wagon.
“Good afternoon,” says Schwartz.
“Afternoon,” says the farmer.
“Where yo...

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Some people are like clouds..

..Once they fuck off it's a nice day.

If you were to wrap a cloud as a gift, what would you wrap it with?

A RAINBOW!

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Purple Vein

Disclaimer skipping to the end will ruin the joke, but it is best said in person to a group of people. Enjoy!


One morning a young boy was walking to class when three older girls approached the boy and said well aren't you just a "purple vein". The boy asked but the girls giggled as they...

My mother is like cloud storage.

Everyone shares her and i have no idea where she's located.

Ps: I don't know if i phrased everything correctly.

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A man goes to a mountain to talk to God...

He shouts on the top: "God, I asked you to let me win the lottery, but I lost!"

Thunder, wind and a cloud opens giving shinning rays of light, a voice roars: "I told you that I would put the winnning numbers on your wife's buttocks, all you had to do was take a look! The winning number was 77...

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Pink Clouds

Every time I this joke, I always tell it replacing the "Guy 1," "Guy 2," etc. with friends' names. It's much funnier that way, but tell it however you wish. That's the great thing about it; you can change it to fit whoever you're telling it to, doesn't have to be about a pub. I once told it where my...

Have you heard the joke about the cloud?

No? Eh, it's way over your head.

Cloud Roulette

Three men in a car get into a crash and wind up in front of Saint Peter himself.

"Ah, first vist of the day! Not that I wanted you to die..." Saint Peter looks at a small clipboard and says, "Names!"

All men respond with their full names.

"Okay then... What? That's odd... None o...

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The Lone Ranger and Tonto are riding across the desert...

The Lone Ranger gets off his horse for a piss by a cactus. Suddenly, a rattle snake lunges out and bites him right on the dick. Tonto hears him scream and comes running over. He's lying there on his back, moaning in pain.

Tonto says, "I'll ride back to that native village we passed a while a...

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Meteorologists always have their heads in the clouds

But gastroenterologists take shit seriously

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(LONG) There was once an old mobster who liked to gamble

And this made man’s heyday was primarily during Prohibition, the days when a man of means could relax with drink and a hand of poker or rummy. Fortunes in ill-gotten gains were won and lost in such places, so it was a surprise to many that the old crook who haunted the craps table had never lost a s...

What's the difference between Mick Jagger and a Scotsman?

Mick Jagger says, "Hey you, get off of my cloud."
A Scotsman says, "Hey McCloud, get off of my ewe."

What did the little cloud say about the big cloud?

I think you're condensating for something.

Three friends are shipwrecked on a desert island

After days of despair, one of them stumbles across a lamp and shows it to the others. They rub it and sure enough a genie appears.



**"I AM THE GENIE OF THE LAMP, AND I WILL GRANT YOU EACH ONE WISH"**



The first friend immediately declares "I wish I was at home with my fa...

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