Dear, dad. I’ve decided to leave with Stacy to grow marijuana...

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.
...

Bernie said he's going to legalize marijuana on his first day in the Whitehouse

On his second day he'll legalize it everywhere else.

Apparently there is bi-partisan agreement in Congress that medicinal marijuana should be allowed for the purpose of relieving arthritis pain. In other words...

...there is joint support for joint support for joint support...

The Bible is not against marijuana

It says," if a man lays with another man, he must be stoned".

Marijuana is legal and haircuts are against the law.

It took half a century but Hippies finally won.

My cows just wandered into a field of Marijuana

The steaks have never been so high.

If smoking marijuana causes short term memory loss

Than what does smoking marijuana do?

The house just voted to decriminalize marijuana and Oregon recently decriminalized hard drugs.

It looks like drugs is winning the war on drugs.

I was watching a documentary on marijuana

I think all documentaries should be watched this way

After release from prison, a group of house burglars were hired by the national marijuana museum. Unfortunately they were fired, as after 3 days, they had only managed to set up a single item for display.

Guess they spent too long casing the joint.

My neighbor just got arrested for growing marijuana.

I guess my property line isn't where I thought it was.

Marijuana and coffee are my favorite combination.

They're the reason ice mocha lot of weed

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking marijuana and appeared in court. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, I'd like to give you a second chance. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday."

On Monday, the judge said to the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs." "17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?" "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew a little circle in a big circle and told them the big circle is your...

The combination of legalized marijuana and Canadas cold winter brings us to a state of collective...

High-brrr-nation

What do you call fake marijuana?

Crockpot

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A sex addict, an alcoholic and a pot head die and arrive at the gates of heaven.

Jesus is standing there looking at them sternly he says, " I stand at these gates to judge the souls that have passed on. If you do not deserve to enter heaven then you will be cast to the fire filled depths of hell where you will spend all eternity in agony."

The three sinners knowing the l...

Fire broke out at a local marijuana farm, and the smoke drifted to a nearby cattle ranch.

The steaks could not have been higher.

I'm fine with alchohol, cigarettes and marijuana

But coccaine is where I draw the line

What did the Chinese vocalist do after smoking some marijuana?

He Shanghai.

Our marijuana dispensary has a recorded message...

“If you want to buy marijuana press the hash key now”.

What's the difference between legal and illegal marijuana?

One comes from the farm, other from the pharm

"Waiter, this bread tastes like Marijuana"

"It was baked this morning"

My wife was running low on some seasoning for Thanksgiving dinner, so she stretched it by adding marijuana.

It was high thyme.

What do the French use as slang for marijuana?

“Oui-d”

What'd one marijuana plant say to the other marijuana plant?

Let's be best buds.

I had an appointment with a doctor's office to get my medical marijuana card the other day...

When asked where I heard of them, I told him my friend reeferred me.

Police are looking for a man selling marijuana to birds.

Eyewitnesses report he left no tern unstoned.

A cow accidentally ate a bunch of marijuana leaves

and the steaks were quite high

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just beyond the Gates of Hell, an alcoholic, a womanizer, and a stoner find themselves standing in front of three identical doors.

There to greet them is none other than Satan, who tells them a secret method to getting into Heaven: Each man must spend 1,000 years in a room with their greatest vice. If he does so, he will be allowed to enter Heaven. The catch? At the end of the 1,000 year period, if the man asks to be let out of...

My wife tried to take away my baby marijuana plants from me when we divorced

Thank god the court granted me joint custody

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If you masturbate while smoking Marijuana...

Is it high-jacking or weed-whacking?

Why did the cows return to the Marijuana field?

It was the pot calling the cattle back.

My pets ate all of my marijuana.

Damn pot-bellied pigs.

Jesus was worried about the drug epidemic plaguing the world. In an effort to solve this dilemma, he decided that a few apostles would return to earth and fetch a sample of each drug, so they could understand what these substances did...

Two days after the operation is implemented, the disciples begin to return.

Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in each disciple.

"Who is it?"

"It's Mark."

Jesus opens the door.

"What did you bring Mark?"

"Marijuana from Colombia."

"Very well son, come i...

Why do they call it possession of marijuana?

They should call it joint custody

In college I experimented with marijuana. I did it in snow and I did it in sleet

But I did not in hail

The state of Oregon is legalizing Psilocybin

And they say marijuana isn’t a gateway drug...

I applied for a job at a marijuana dispensary, and was surprised to learn that I would have to take a drug test.

I hope it's multiple choice. I tested meth, crack, *and* weed.

What do you call the mass distribution of news and information regarding marijuana, as well as the demand for its legalisation?

Propaganja. Thank you. I'll let myself out.

The dispensaries in California have teams devoted to rolling up marijuana.

It's a joint effort.

The officer was blunt about what happens to marijuana smokers

He takes them to the joint.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If you masturbate after smoking marijuana....

Is it high-jacking or weed-whacking?










Edit: Front and Gold. Thank you.

Edit 2: if this is in fact a repost, I apologise. I honestly am not sure if somebody else posted this before.

Saint Peter and God are talking about today's teenagers

Saint Peter and God are talking about today's teenagers.

God says "Today all teenagers use drugs"

"You're right" replies Peter "I will now go on earth to see if really all teenagers use them"

After a bit Peter returns and tells God that the teens are coming. Few seconds later so...

I do a magic show where I make Marijuana and Cocaine disappear.

It’s all just a bunch of smoke and mirrors.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

By previously legalizing same-sex marriage and now Marijuana, Canada have finally interpreted the bible correctly:

Leviticus 20:13 "If a man lies with another man he should be stoned."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How can you send marijuana through the post?

First Grass.

I watched a documentary on marijuana last night.

I really enjoyed it. From now on that's how i'm going to watch all documentaries.

What do you call a place where marijuana is legal but alcohol isn't?

High and dry.

My brother and I sell marijuana.

We keep out money in a joint account.

Smoking marijuana has imbued me with cat-like abilities.

For example, just one brightly colored piece of paper can now entertain me for hours.

What did Mr. Marijuana say to Mrs. Marijuana when she asked if her dress makes her look fat?

"I'll be blunt..."

Obi-Wan Kenobi started a marijuana dispensary on Tatooine. What's it called?

The High Ground.

Can you believe marijuana is still illegal in Jamaica?

Bob Marley must be rolling in his grave.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Viagra pills walked into a bar

They sat down next to two marijuana plants who were engrossed in an animated discussion.
"I don't get it," one marijuana plant said to the other, "Why aren't we legal? Nobody's being hurt by us."

One of the Viagra pills scoffed at them.
The marijuana plant turned to him and asked, "What...

When two marijuana dispensaries are unable to increase sales by changing location,

they have reached hash equilibrium.

Scientists have synthesized a drug which is 100 times stronger than Marijuana.

That's what I'd call high-tech.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

FDA No longer allows patients to be prescribed laxatives and medicinal marijuana

Apparently you need to either shit, or get off the pot.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Things you can burn for stress relief

Sage

Lavender

Racists

Marijuana

Paedophiles

Frankincense

If Americans in Niagara Falls want to get to Canada for legal marijuana...

They have to take the 420 Highway!

(It’s actually true. Look it up.)

I have a bank account specifically for my marijuana purchases.

I call it my Joint bank account.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My doctor prescribed me Medical Marijuana and Viagra

Now I sleep hard

A message from Canada, to all Americans who are jealous about the recent marijuana legalization.

Sorry.

years ago the devils lettuce was a term for marijuana

now it's romaine

Why does a failed physicist smokes marijuana?

Because as he gets high he increases his potential.

Did you hear about the cow that was shot for grazing in the marijuana patch?

The steaks have never been higher.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend said he likes smoking marijuana, though he might give it up because of its laxative effect.

I told him he either needs to shit or get off the pot.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marijuana.

Jack got high and grabbed her thigh and said “You know you wanna”. Jill said yes, pulled up her dress and then they had some fun. But silly Jill forgot her pill and now they have a son.

Use contraceptives kids.

What do you call a team of DEA or Police who raids a marijuana grow-house?

A Joint Task Force

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If I masturbate with this marijuana infused lotion is it considered grassturbating?

Or maybe masturbaking?

Recreational marijuana is legal in 10 out of the 50 states.

That's 4/20th of the United States.

Going to open up a donut shop next to a medical marijuana store

I’ll call it glazed and confused

What did the man have to say about his Australian beverage with marijuana in it?

It's pretty-high-koala-tea.

What do you call gift-wrapped marijuana?

Pretty dope.

I helped my wife design her marijuana costume for the fancy dress party.

It was a joint effort.

The surgeon general warns, "do not run while smoking marijuana".

It's hard on your joints.

My friend's parents run a marijuana bakery.

They make cookies, brownies, scones, the works. But my friend is odd. He will only eat edibles made by his mother, and he never touches edibles made by his father.



I think he has an edible complex.

Why was the internet slow at the Chinese marijuana Farm?

Because it is run with a high Ping.

The phone rings at the local police station. “Hello? I’m calling to report my neighbor, Craig. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!”

“Thank you very much for the call, sir.” The next day, policemen descend on the neighbor’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at the neighbors and leave. The phone rings at the neighbors house. Hey...

If there was a bipartisan push in Congress to legalize medical marijuana for arthritis treatment...

there would be joint support for joint support for joint support.

I joined a march today for the legalization of marijuana. Well, it started off as a march, but after a while...

...it turned into a wander.

I accidentally let my cows graze in a patch of marijuana, and if anyone finds out I could lose everything.

The steaks have never been higher.

I told my wife I was gonna start smoking pot. She said if I did she'd leave me. I guess it's true what they say...

Marijuana truly is an effective way to get rid of aches and pains.

Instead of marijuana dispensaries why don't they just call it..

Grass stations

A few partners and myself are planning to open a combination chiropractic office and marijuana dispensary.

It's going to be a joint joint joint joint joint.

Divorced couples in Colorado are having trouble deciding who gets the Marijuana...

The judges have started issuing joint custody

I heard about this farmer who was feeding his cows marijuana so they would be happier and produce more offspring.

I can't recommend it because the steaks would be too high.

Trump legalizes marijuana to pay for the wall with the tax revenues.

This really stirred the pot.

New marijuana research reveals that it cures...

Symptoms of motivation by up to 95%.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Someone should really put marijuana butter on popcorn and sell it...

they could call it Mari Poppins.

My friend gave his horse marijuana thinking it would make him run faster.

I asked him to get off his high horse immediately.

So, there is this new strain of Marijuana called Grassy Knoll...

It is sure to blow your mind

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Concerned about the rising drug problems on Earth

Jesus decides to send some of his disciples back to Earth to obtain some drugs so that they would better understand how to help mankind.

After 3 days they begin to return.

There is a soft knock on the side door at Jesus' pad. "Open up, man, it's Matthew."
The door opens just a cra...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A new stipulation which would have allowed medical marijuana to be prescribed for constipation was rejected in Congress today...

The Congressman’s closing remarks were “shit or get off the pot”

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where all occupants in a car had been killed

As he looked through the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey, let out a deep sigh and said, "I wish you could talk."

The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down.
"Wait, You can under...

The US Military today confirmed that two marijuana users were killed when an aircraft crashed into a house shortly after takeoff.

Experts are saying it's the first recorded instance of killing two stoners with one bird.

Cops raided my home and found some marijuana shrubs in my greenhouse. They asked me how it got there

I told them they were clearly planted there

If the marijuana dispensary gets flooded...

...is that considered high water?

Why did Obi Wan Kenobi fertilize his lawn with marijuana?

He wanted the high ground.

According to experts, I've heard that marijuana can stop seizures...

And now, according to the CDC, romaine lettuce can stop Caesar's.

A DEA agent drives out to a farm to investigate rumours they are growing marijuana.

He approaches the farmer and shows him his warrant explaining that he will be searching the property.

Farmer: Okay, do what you gotta do. Just don't cross that fence over there.

Agent: See this warrant? It says i go where I want to. DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?

Farmer: Do what you got...

Medical Marijuana isn't a new concept.

We've been using smoke to cure things for centuries.

I saw a road that is full of people who smokes marijuana.

It's called a highway.

I did an exam on marijuana and ballistic weaponry.

Scored high on the first part, but bombed the second.

Why did Mike Tyson plant marijuana instead of corn?

He was afraid he'd eat all of the ears.

Chris Rock, The Rock, and Kid Rock walk into a marijuana dispensary

*something about being stoned*

I tried.

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