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Marijuana Jokes

Marijuana and coffee are my favorite combination.

They're the reason ice mocha lot of weed

My neighbor just got arrested for growing marijuana.

I guess my property line isn't where I thought it was.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If you masturbate after smoking marijuana....

Is it high-jacking or weed-whacking?










Edit: Front and Gold. Thank you.

Edit 2: if this is in fact a repost, I apologise. I honestly am not sure if somebody else posted this before.

Bernie said he's going to legalize marijuana on his first day in the Whitehouse

On his second day he'll legalize it everywhere else.

I'm fine with alchohol, cigarettes and marijuana

But coccaine is where I draw the line

Dear, dad. I’ve decided to leave with Stacy to grow marijuana...

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.
...

I just watched a documentary on marijuana.

I think all documentaries should be watched this way.

What do french people call Marijuana?

Oui'd

President Biden has called for full legalization of marijuana

Now it is up to Congress to hold a joint session.

If smoking marijuana causes short-term memory loss,

what does smoking marijuana do?

Marijuana is legal and haircuts are against the law.

It took half a century but Hippies finally won.

I’m okay with smoking, alcohol, and marijuana.

But cocaine is where I draw the line.

Apparently there is bi-partisan agreement in Congress that medicinal marijuana should be allowed for the purpose of relieving arthritis pain...

In other words, there is joint support for joint support for joint support...

Who decided to call it “marijuana possession"

and not “joint custody?”

Why did the cows come back to the marijuana field?

The pot was calling the cattle back

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Marijuana should've been legalized at the same time as same sex-marriage

because it says in the bible, a man who lies with another man shall be stoned

Marijuana-Filled Firewood

At the back woods bum-duck county police station the phone rings...

'Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?'

'Yes. What can I do for you?'

'Ah'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Mr. Virgil Smith....ya see sir, he's hidin' marijuana inside all his firewood pieces! Don't quite kn...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

By previously legalizing same-sex marriage and now Marijuana, Canada have finally interpreted the bible correctly:

Leviticus 20:13 "If a man lies with another man he should be stoned."

The surgeon general warns, "do not run while smoking marijuana".

It's hard on your joints.

TIL in France, marijuana is called...

Oui'd

I saw a group of cows playing poker and smoking Marijuana

It was really high steaks

I could tell you marijuana is a suppository

But then I’d just be blowing smoke up your ass

My friend begged me to help fund his marijuana startup

I said I was a bit low on seed capital

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just beyond the Gates of Hell, an alcoholic, a womanizer, and a stoner find themselves standing in front of three identical doors.

There to greet them is none other than Satan, who tells them a secret method to getting into Heaven: Each man must spend 1,000 years in a room with their greatest vice. If he does so, he will be allowed to enter Heaven. The catch? At the end of the 1,000 year period, if the man asks to be let out of...

If there was a bipartisan push in Congress to legalize medical marijuana for arthritis treatment...

there would be joint support for joint support for joint support.

I attribute my loss of memory to both age, and smoking marijuana.

Or maybe a combination of all three?

Can you believe marijuana is still illegal in Jamaica?

Bob Marley must be rolling in his grave.

I've started crossbreeding marijuana and vegetables

Maybe I'll earn a higher celery.

Fire broke out at a local marijuana farm, and the smoke began to drift to a nearby cattle ranch.

The steaks were high

I told my wife I was gonna start smoking pot. She said if I did she'd leave me. I guess it's true what they say...

Marijuana truly is an effective way to get rid of aches and pains.

Divorced couples in Colorado are having trouble deciding who gets the Marijuana...

The judges have started issuing joint custody

California legalized marijuana

I guess they had a high voter turnout.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ok, serious question. If you masturbate after smoking marijuana,

Is it high-jacking or weed-whacking?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Drunk and a priest

On a bus, a priest sat next to a drunk who was struggling to read a newspaper.

Suddenly, with a slurred voice, the drunk asked the priest:

"Do you know what arthritis is?"

The parish priest soon thought of taking the opportunity to lecture the drunk and replied:

"It's a ...

My debit card was declined at the local Marijuana dispencery today

Turns out the card was not linked to a joint account

What's the difference between legal and illegal marijuana?

One comes from the farm, other from the pharm

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just took two fiber capsules and a marijuana edible.

I did it for shits and giggles.

Smoke marijuana...

Smoke marijuana,
Take over the government,
This is a high coup.

TIL while it's illegal to smoke marijuana in Sudan...

you can still get stoned

I watched a documentary on Marijuana last night…

…that’s probably how I’ll watch all documentaries from now on.

What should you do if your kid comes home and you smell marijuana?

Have a joint discussion.

What Did the Farmer Say When the Cow Ate his Marijuana?

The steaks are high right now

Why shouldn't you grow marijuana in the ground?

Because it's a pot plant.

Police are looking for a man selling marijuana to birds.

Eyewitnesses report he left no tern unstoned.

Our marijuana dispensary has a recorded message...

“If you want to buy marijuana press the hash key now”.

What did the Chinese vocalist do after smoking some marijuana?

He Shanghai.

What'd one marijuana plant say to the other marijuana plant?

Let's be best buds.

A message from Canada, to all Americans who are jealous about the recent marijuana legalization.

Sorry.

Why did they call it 'Possession of Marijuana' when they arrested people?

Wouldn't 'Joint Custody' be better!

My cows started grazing on the hidden marijuana patch. I might have to cull the herd.

The steaks have never been higher.

What's the number one reason for requesting a medical marijuana card?

"I need it for my joints!"

Instead of marijuana dispensaries why don't they just call it..

Grass stations

What did Mr. Marijuana say to Mrs. Marijuana when she asked if her dress makes her look fat?

"I'll be blunt..."

Smoking marijuana has imbued me with cat-like abilities.

For example, just one brightly colored piece of paper can now entertain me for hours.

My brother and I sell marijuana.

We keep out money in a joint account.

Recreational marijuana is legal in 10 out of the 50 states.

That's 4/20th of the United States.

Jesus was worried about the drug epidemic plaguing the world. In an effort to solve this dilemma, he decided that a few apostles would return to earth and fetch a sample of each drug, so they could understand what these substances did...

Two days after the operation is implemented, the disciples begin to return.

Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in each disciple.

"Who is it?"

"It's Mark."

Jesus opens the door.

"What did you bring Mark?"

"Marijuana from Colombia."

"Very well son, come i...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I call my Marijuana the Koran

Because burning either one will get you stoned

^EDIT: ^I ^don't ^want ^this ^to ^be ^offensive...

^EDIT ^2: ^guys, ^I ^know ^that ^the ^rules ^say ^that ^anyone ^butthurt ^can ^go ^screw ^themselves, ^but ^I ^do ^still ^feel ^bad. ^I ^am ^not, ^however, ^going ^to ^delete ^this.

Two Marijuana dispensaries created a merger deal, becoming one.

To be blunt, the stakes were high, but they were hopeful as it was a joint venture.

A rooster smokes marijuana and walks in a circle. What is the name for the ratio of the circumference of that circle to its diameter?

Chicken pot pi

What do the French use as slang for marijuana?

“Oui-d”

My friend's parents run a marijuana bakery.

They make cookies, brownies, scones, the works. But my friend is odd. He will only eat edibles made by his mother, and he never touches edibles made by his father.



I think he has an edible complex.

I did an exam on marijuana and ballistic weaponry.

Scored high on the first part, but bombed the second.

What do conservatives call medical marijuana?

Medi-sin

"Waiter, this bread tastes like Marijuana"

"It was baked this morning"

I think medical marijuana is really good...

... for joints.

I'll see myself out.

TIFU by neglecting the fence between our marijuana farm and the cattle ranch next door.

We're struggling to salvage our crop for harvest this year, and the steaks have never been higher.

Sometimes when I'm bored I put makeup and little wigs on marijuana cigarettes.

That might sound dumb to you, but I think it's pretty dope.

Medical Marijuana isn't a new concept.

We've been using smoke to cure things for centuries.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How can you send marijuana through the post?

First Grass.

I have a magic act where I make cocaine and marijuana disappear

It's all smoke and mirrors

What do you call gift-wrapped marijuana?

Pretty dope.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My doctor prescribed me Medical Marijuana and Viagra

Now I sleep hard

I only eat beef raised on marijuana...

I like it when the steaks are high.

Going to open up a donut shop next to a medical marijuana store

I’ll call it glazed and confused

New marijuana research reveals that it cures...

Symptoms of motivation by up to 95%.

You can now major in Marijuana at some universities

Guess grades are going to be a little higher this semester!

Why does a failed physicist smokes marijuana?

Because as he gets high he increases his potential.

I accidentally let my cows graze in a patch of marijuana, and if anyone finds out I could lose everything.

The steaks have never been higher.

What do you call marijuana overdose?

Blunt-force trauma

I can't blame them for disqualifying Sha’Carri Richardson after she tested positive for marijuana.

It's definitely a performance enhancing drug. I smoke weed and can run a 3-day mile.

The house just voted to decriminalize marijuana and Oregon recently decriminalized hard drugs.

It looks like drugs is winning the war on drugs.

If the marijuana dispensary gets flooded...

...is that considered high water?

I thought marijuana was the devil's lettuce

But now it's legal and Romaine is banned

The officer was blunt about what happens to marijuana smokers

He takes them to the joint.

If I eat a Marijuana edible

Will I get a pot belly?

A rasta man goes to the bank with a 25 kg bag of marijuana...

And hands it over to the bank teller.

Confused, the bank teller asks, "What's this for?"

The rasta replies, "Me here to open a joint account."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've been using medicinal marijuana

To treat my constipation. My doctor told me to shit or get off the pot.

A farmer spent over $12 million to see the effects of marijuana on cows...

The steaks had never been higher.

Scientists have recently discovered that 3 out of 5 habitual marijuana users developed over productive saliva glands.

When asked if anything can be done, one leading scientist advised, "Yes, you can either spit, or get off the pot".

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