Marijuana and coffee are my favorite combination.

They're the reason ice mocha lot of weed

My neighbor just got arrested for growing marijuana.

I guess my property line isn't where I thought it was.

Bernie said he's going to legalize marijuana on his first day in the Whitehouse

On his second day he'll legalize it everywhere else.

What do french people call Marijuana?

Oui'd

If smoking marijuana causes short term memory loss

Than what does smoking marijuana do?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If you masturbate after smoking marijuana....

Is it high-jacking or weed-whacking?










Edit: Front and Gold. Thank you.

Edit 2: if this is in fact a repost, I apologise. I honestly am not sure if somebody else posted this before.

I'm fine with alchohol, cigarettes and marijuana

But coccaine is where I draw the line

A rooster smokes marijuana and walks in a circle. What is the name for the ratio of the circumference of that circle to its diameter?

Chicken pot pi

TIL in France, marijuana is called...

Oui'd

Did you hear about the cows that got into the marijuana field?

Those were some high steaks.

I watched a documentary on Marijuana last night…

…that’s probably how I’ll watch all documentaries from now on.

What do you call it when someone coerces you into smoking marijuana rolled into a cigar and it mentally scars you?

Blunt force trauma

I’m okay with smoking, alcohol, and marijuana.

But cocaine is where I draw the line.

What was the number 1 reason for requesting medical marijuana?

'I need it for my joints!'

I used to smoke marijuana everyday but recently I had to quit and take a break because my friends we're telling me that I was getting WAY too paranoid.

Well, I mean, they weren't telling me, but I Know they were thinking it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A sex addict, an alcoholic and a pot head die and arrive at the gates of heaven.

Jesus is standing there looking at them sternly he says, " I stand at these gates to judge the souls that have passed on. If you do not deserve to enter heaven then you will be cast to the fire filled depths of hell where you will spend all eternity in agony."

The three sinners knowing the li...

Why wouldn’t the cattle rancher take the bet that he could raise his cows on marijuana instead of actual grass?

The steaks were too high.

What is the scientific name for a dog that smokes marijuana

Cannabis lupus

My debit card was declined at the local Marijuana dispencery today

Turns out the card was not linked to a joint account

The phone rings at the local police station. “Hello? I’m calling to report my neighbor, Craig. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!”

“Thank you very much for the call, sir.”

The next day, policemen descend on the neighbor’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept.

Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at the neighbors and leave.

The phone rings at ...

A Father Notices His Son's Bedroom Is Spotless, Then Finds An Envelope

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the...

What do you call a person who is jealous of you having marijuana?

... *Jointless*

I can't blame them for disqualifying Sha’Carri Richardson after she tested positive for marijuana.

It's definitely a performance enhancing drug. I smoke weed and can run a 3-day mile.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking marijuana and appeared in court. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, I'd like to give you a second chance. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday."

On Monday, the judge said to the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs." "17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?" "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew a little circle in a big circle and told them the big circle is your...

Apparently there is bi-partisan agreement in Congress that medicinal marijuana should be allowed for the purpose of relieving arthritis pain...

In other words, there is joint support for joint support for joint support...

After release from prison, a group of house burglars were hired by the national marijuana museum. Unfortunately they were fired, as after 3 days, they had only managed to set up a single item for display.

Guess they spent too long casing the joint.

Marijuana is legal and haircuts are against the law.

It took half a century but Hippies finally won.

Sometimes when I'm bored I put makeup and little wigs on marijuana cigarettes.

That might sound dumb to you, but I think it's pretty dope.

Why did the cows go to the Marijuana field?

It was the pot calling the cattle back.

In honor of 420.

Police are looking for a man selling marijuana to birds.

Eyewitnesses report he left no tern unstoned.

What do the French use as slang for marijuana?

“Oui-d”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If you masturbate after smoking marijuana...

Is it high-jacking or weed-whacking?

What did the Chinese vocalist do after smoking some marijuana?

He Shanghai.

What's the difference between legal and illegal marijuana?

One comes from the farm, other from the pharm

Scientists have recently discovered that 3 out of 5 habitual marijuana users developed over productive saliva glands.

When asked if anything can be done, one leading scientist advised, "Yes, you can either spit, or get off the pot".

Why did the farmer let his cows graze on marijuana plants?

He liked high steaks.

Two Marijuana dispensaries created a merger deal, becoming one.

To be blunt, the stakes were high, but they were hopeful as it was a joint venture.

Who decided to call it “marijuana possession"

and not “joint custody?”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

By previously legalizing same-sex marriage and now Marijuana, Canada have finally interpreted the bible correctly:

Leviticus 20:13 "If a man lies with another man he should be stoned."

Did you hear about the group of Kansas City football players who all contracted skin infections while smoking marijuana?

The Joint Chiefs of Staph

The house just voted to decriminalize marijuana and Oregon recently decriminalized hard drugs.

It looks like drugs is winning the war on drugs.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man settles in his seat next to the window on a plane, when another man sits down next to him and seats his Black Labrador Retriever in-between them. The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why he's allowed on the plane. The second man explains that he's a DEA-Agent, Sniffing-dog.

His name is Sniffer, and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work."

The plane takes off, and once it has levelled out, the agent says "Watch this. He tells Sniffer to 'search'". Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposef...

Fire broke out at a local marijuana farm, and the smoke drifted to a nearby cattle ranch.

The steaks could not have been higher.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just beyond the Gates of Hell, an alcoholic, a womanizer, and a stoner find themselves standing in front of three identical doors.

There to greet them is none other than Satan, who tells them a secret method to getting into Heaven: Each man must spend 1,000 years in a room with their greatest vice. If he does so, he will be allowed to enter Heaven. The catch? At the end of the 1,000 year period, if the man asks to be let out of...

What do conservatives call medical marijuana?

Medi-sin

My wife tried to take away my baby marijuana plants from me when we divorced

Thank god the court granted me joint custody

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck...

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and a passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said, "I wish you could talk."

The monkey looked up a...

A cow accidentally ate a bunch of marijuana leaves

and the steaks were quite high

Our marijuana dispensary has a recorded message...

“If you want to buy marijuana press the hash key now”.

What'd one marijuana plant say to the other marijuana plant?

Let's be best buds.

Can you believe marijuana is still illegal in Jamaica?

Bob Marley must be rolling in his grave.

I had an appointment with a doctor's office to get my medical marijuana card the other day...

When asked where I heard of them, I told him my friend reeferred me.

A recent study has shown that Marijuana smoking can cause hypersalivation in some people.

When asked what could be done about it, a doctor was quoted as saying “You can either spit, or get off the pot.”

The surgeon general warns, "do not run while smoking marijuana".

It's hard on your joints.

A message from Canada, to all Americans who are jealous about the recent marijuana legalization.

Sorry.

Smoking marijuana has imbued me with cat-like abilities.

For example, just one brightly colored piece of paper can now entertain me for hours.

My brother and I sell marijuana.

We keep out money in a joint account.

Recreational marijuana is legal in 10 out of the 50 states.

That's 4/20th of the United States.

"Waiter, this bread tastes like Marijuana"

"It was baked this morning"

My wife was running low on some seasoning for Thanksgiving dinner, so she stretched it by adding marijuana.

It was high thyme.

If there was a bipartisan push in Congress to legalize medical marijuana for arthritis treatment...

there would be joint support for joint support for joint support.

What do you call the mass distribution of news and information regarding marijuana, as well as the demand for its legalisation?

Propaganja. Thank you. I'll let myself out.

Obi-Wan Kenobi started a marijuana dispensary on Tatooine. What's it called?

The High Ground.

I applied for a job at a marijuana dispensary, and was surprised to learn that I would have to take a drug test.

I hope it's multiple choice. I tested meth, crack, *and* weed.

Divorced couples in Colorado are having trouble deciding who gets the Marijuana...

The judges have started issuing joint custody

I have a magic act where I make cocaine and marijuana disappear

It's all smoke and mirrors

I accidentally let my cows graze in a patch of marijuana, and if anyone finds out I could lose everything.

The steaks have never been higher.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How can you send marijuana through the post?

First Grass.

Instead of marijuana dispensaries why don't they just call it..

Grass stations

The US Military today confirmed that two marijuana users were killed when an aircraft crashed into a house shortly after takeoff.

Experts are saying it's the first recorded instance of killing two stoners with one bird.

My friend's parents run a marijuana bakery.

They make cookies, brownies, scones, the works. But my friend is odd. He will only eat edibles made by his mother, and he never touches edibles made by his father.



I think he has an edible complex.

In college I experimented with marijuana. I did it in snow and I did it in sleet

But I did not in hail

Jesus was worried about the drug epidemic plaguing the world. In an effort to solve this dilemma, he decided that a few apostles would return to earth and fetch a sample of each drug, so they could understand what these substances did...

Two days after the operation is implemented, the disciples begin to return.

Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in each disciple.

"Who is it?"

"It's Mark."

Jesus opens the door.

"What did you bring Mark?"

"Marijuana from Colombia."

"Very well son, come i...

The officer was blunt about what happens to marijuana smokers

He takes them to the joint.

Going to open up a donut shop next to a medical marijuana store

I’ll call it glazed and confused

If Americans in Niagara Falls want to get to Canada for legal marijuana...

They have to take the 420 Highway!

(It’s actually true. Look it up.)

What do you call a place where marijuana is legal but alcohol isn't?

High and dry.

The dispensaries in California have teams devoted to rolling up marijuana.

It's a joint effort.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If I masturbate with this marijuana infused lotion is it considered grassturbating?

Or maybe masturbaking?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Many local governments have begun to legalize marijuana, with the exception it's not taken in conjunction with laxatives...

They say citizens need to shit, or get off the pot.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My doctor prescribed me Medical Marijuana and Viagra

Now I sleep hard

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

FDA No longer allows patients to be prescribed laxatives and medicinal marijuana

Apparently you need to either shit, or get off the pot.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Someone should really put marijuana butter on popcorn and sell it...

they could call it Mari Poppins.

Marijuana-Filled Firewood

At the back woods bum-duck county police station the phone rings...

'Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?'

'Yes. What can I do for you?'

'Ah'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Mr. Virgil Smith....ya see sir, he's hidin' marijuana inside all his firewood pieces! Don't quite kn...

When two marijuana dispensaries are unable to increase sales by changing location,

they have reached hash equilibrium.

Why did Obi Wan Kenobi fertilize his lawn with marijuana?

He wanted the high ground.

Trump legalizes marijuana to pay for the wall with the tax revenues.

This really stirred the pot.

Scientists have synthesized a drug which is 100 times stronger than Marijuana.

That's what I'd call high-tech.

I heard about this farmer who was feeding his cows marijuana so they would be happier and produce more offspring.

I can't recommend it because the steaks would be too high.

A few partners and myself are planning to open a combination chiropractic office and marijuana dispensary.

It's going to be a joint joint joint joint joint.

California legalized marijuana

I guess they had a high voter turnout.

New marijuana research reveals that it cures...

Symptoms of motivation by up to 95%.

years ago the devils lettuce was a term for marijuana

now it's romaine

Medical Marijuana isn't a new concept.

We've been using smoke to cure things for centuries.

Why does a failed physicist smokes marijuana?

Because as he gets high he increases his potential.

So, there is this new strain of Marijuana called Grassy Knoll...

It is sure to blow your mind

Cops raided my home and found some marijuana shrubs in my greenhouse. They asked me how it got there

I told them they were clearly planted there

What do you call gift-wrapped marijuana?

Pretty dope.

I joined a march today for the legalization of marijuana. Well, it started off as a march, but after a while...

...it turned into a wander.

What do you call a team of DEA or Police who raids a marijuana grow-house?

A Joint Task Force

I did an exam on marijuana and ballistic weaponry.

Scored high on the first part, but bombed the second.

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