Marijuana and coffee are my favorite combination.

They're the reason ice mocha lot of weed

Bernie said he's going to legalize marijuana on his first day in the Whitehouse

On his second day he'll legalize it everywhere else.

My neighbor just got arrested for growing marijuana.

I guess my property line isn't where I thought it was.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A sex addict, an alcoholic and a pot head die and arrive at the gates of heaven.

Jesus is standing there looking at them sternly he says, " I stand at these gates to judge the souls that have passed on. If you do not deserve to enter heaven then you will be cast to the fire filled depths of hell where you will spend all eternity in agony."

The three sinners knowing the l...

Dear, dad. I’ve decided to leave with Stacy to grow marijuana...

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.
...

I was watching a documentary on marijuana

I think all documentaries should be watched this way

What is the scientific name for a dog that smokes marijuana

Cannabis lupus

If smoking marijuana causes short term memory loss

Than what does smoking marijuana do?

I’m okay with smoking, alcohol, and marijuana.

But cocaine is where I draw the line.

I'm fine with alchohol, cigarettes and marijuana

But coccaine is where I draw the line

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If you masturbate after smoking marijuana....

Is it high-jacking or weed-whacking?










Edit: Front and Gold. Thank you.

Edit 2: if this is in fact a repost, I apologise. I honestly am not sure if somebody else posted this before.

The Bible is not against marijuana

It says," if a man lays with another man, he must be stoned".

What do french people call Marijuana?

Oui'd

I used to smoke marijuana everyday but recently I had to quit and take a break because my friends we're telling me that I was getting WAY too paranoid.

Well, I mean, they weren't telling me, but I Know they were thinking it.

Sometimes when I'm bored I put makeup and little wigs on marijuana cigarettes.

That might sound dumb to you, but I think it's pretty dope.

What's the number one reason for requesting a medical marijuana card?

"I need it for my joints!"

The phone rings at the local police station. “Hello? I’m calling to report my neighbor, Craig. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!”

“Thank you very much for the call, sir.”

The next day, policemen descend on the neighbor’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept.

Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at the neighbors and leave.

The phone rings at ...

My debit card was declined at the local Marijuana dispencery today

Turns out the card was not linked to a joint account

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking marijuana and appeared in court. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, I'd like to give you a second chance. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday."

On Monday, the judge said to the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs." "17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?" "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew a little circle in a big circle and told them the big circle is your...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man settles in his seat next to the window on a plane, when another man sits down next to him and seats his Black Labrador Retriever in-between them. The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why he's allowed on the plane. The second man explains that he's a DEA-Agent, Sniffing-dog.

His name is Sniffer, and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work."

The plane takes off, and once it has levelled out, the agent says "Watch this. He tells Sniffer to 'search'". Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposef...

After release from prison, a group of house burglars were hired by the national marijuana museum. Unfortunately they were fired, as after 3 days, they had only managed to set up a single item for display.

Guess they spent too long casing the joint.

I can't blame them for disqualifying Sha’Carri Richardson after she tested positive for marijuana.

It's definitely a performance enhancing drug. I smoke weed and can run a 3-day mile.

Why did the cows go to the Marijuana field?

It was the pot calling the cattle back.

In honor of 420.

The Monkey knows everything.

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car.

The officer looked down at the monkey and said "I wish you could talk."

The monkey looke...

Apparently there is bi-partisan agreement in Congress that medicinal marijuana should be allowed for the purpose of relieving arthritis pain...

In other words, there is joint support for joint support for joint support...

What did the Chinese vocalist do after smoking some marijuana?

He Shanghai.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If you masturbate while smoking Marijuana...

Is it high-jacking or weed-whacking?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just beyond the Gates of Hell, an alcoholic, a womanizer, and a stoner find themselves standing in front of three identical doors.

There to greet them is none other than Satan, who tells them a secret method to getting into Heaven: Each man must spend 1,000 years in a room with their greatest vice. If he does so, he will be allowed to enter Heaven. The catch? At the end of the 1,000 year period, if the man asks to be let out of...

Scientists have recently discovered that 3 out of 5 habitual marijuana users developed over productive saliva glands.

When asked if anything can be done, one leading scientist advised, "Yes, you can either spit, or get off the pot".

Why did the farmer let his cows graze on marijuana plants?

He liked high steaks.

Two Marijuana dispensaries created a merger deal, becoming one.

To be blunt, the stakes were high, but they were hopeful as it was a joint venture.

A supervillain walks into a bank and says, "I'm Mr Marijuana Frostbite...!

...and I'm a stoned cold killer!"

Edibles

A town banned marijuana so they fed it to the cattle. The steaks have never been higher.

Did you hear about the group of Kansas City football players who all contracted skin infections while smoking marijuana?

The Joint Chiefs of Staph

The house just voted to decriminalize marijuana and Oregon recently decriminalized hard drugs.

It looks like drugs is winning the war on drugs.

Police are looking for a man selling marijuana to birds.

Eyewitnesses report he left no tern unstoned.

What do the French use as slang for marijuana?

“Oui-d”

What's the difference between legal and illegal marijuana?

One comes from the farm, other from the pharm

What do conservatives call medical marijuana?

Medi-sin

The combination of legalized marijuana and Canadas cold winter brings us to a state of collective...

High-brrr-nation

Fire broke out at a local marijuana farm, and the smoke drifted to a nearby cattle ranch.

The steaks could not have been higher.

I do a magic show where I make a bunch of marijuana and cocaine disappear.

Its all smoke and mirrors!

Our marijuana dispensary has a recorded message...

“If you want to buy marijuana press the hash key now”.

"Waiter, this bread tastes like Marijuana"

"It was baked this morning"

What'd one marijuana plant say to the other marijuana plant?

Let's be best buds.

My wife was running low on some seasoning for Thanksgiving dinner, so she stretched it by adding marijuana.

It was high thyme.

Why do they call it possession of marijuana?

They should call it joint custody

My wife tried to take away my baby marijuana plants from me when we divorced

Thank god the court granted me joint custody

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

By previously legalizing same-sex marriage and now Marijuana, Canada have finally interpreted the bible correctly:

Leviticus 20:13 "If a man lies with another man he should be stoned."

A cow accidentally ate a bunch of marijuana leaves

and the steaks were quite high

I had an appointment with a doctor's office to get my medical marijuana card the other day...

When asked where I heard of them, I told him my friend reeferred me.

Subreddit names are very strange

It always seems to be the opposite of what the subreddit is about

For example r/trees is about marijuana,

r/marijuanaenthusiasts is about trees...

And then there’s r/funny

Can you believe marijuana is still illegal in Jamaica?

Bob Marley must be rolling in his grave.

The owner of a large cow farm walks into his barn

He sees that almost 80 of his cows have been packed tightly into the barn and the whole place smells of marijuana. He looks around at several of his farm hands who are smoking and shocked asks, "What are you doing?! OSHA is on their way for an inspection right now!"

One answered, "We know, ...

I applied for a job at a marijuana dispensary, and was surprised to learn that I would have to take a drug test.

I hope it's multiple choice. I tested meth, crack, *and* weed.

The officer was blunt about what happens to marijuana smokers

He takes them to the joint.

My brother and I sell marijuana.

We keep out money in a joint account.

Smoking marijuana has imbued me with cat-like abilities.

For example, just one brightly colored piece of paper can now entertain me for hours.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How can you send marijuana through the post?

First Grass.

I watched a documentary on marijuana last night.

I really enjoyed it. From now on that's how i'm going to watch all documentaries.

Recreational marijuana is legal in 10 out of the 50 states.

That's 4/20th of the United States.

What do you call the mass distribution of news and information regarding marijuana, as well as the demand for its legalisation?

Propaganja. Thank you. I'll let myself out.

Doctor to Patient do you smoke?

Patient: yes

Doctor: marijuana, cigarettes, cigars, Vapes?

Patient: mostly brisket, and pork.

In college I experimented with marijuana. I did it in snow and I did it in sleet

But I did not in hail

Jesus was worried about the drug epidemic plaguing the world. In an effort to solve this dilemma, he decided that a few apostles would return to earth and fetch a sample of each drug, so they could understand what these substances did...

Two days after the operation is implemented, the disciples begin to return.

Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in each disciple.

"Who is it?"

"It's Mark."

Jesus opens the door.

"What did you bring Mark?"

"Marijuana from Colombia."

"Very well son, come i...

Obi-Wan Kenobi started a marijuana dispensary on Tatooine. What's it called?

The High Ground.

The dispensaries in California have teams devoted to rolling up marijuana.

It's a joint effort.

A message from Canada, to all Americans who are jealous about the recent marijuana legalization.

Sorry.

What do you call a place where marijuana is legal but alcohol isn't?

High and dry.

Traffic stop

Cop says to motorist: “Your eyes look a little red. Have you been smoking marijuana?”

Motorist: “No. Your eyes look a little glazed. Have you been eating donuts?”

What did Mr. Marijuana say to Mrs. Marijuana when she asked if her dress makes her look fat?

"I'll be blunt..."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If I masturbate with this marijuana infused lotion is it considered grassturbating?

Or maybe masturbaking?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

FDA No longer allows patients to be prescribed laxatives and medicinal marijuana

Apparently you need to either shit, or get off the pot.

The US Military today confirmed that two marijuana users were killed when an aircraft crashed into a house shortly after takeoff.

Experts are saying it's the first recorded instance of killing two stoners with one bird.

My friend's parents run a marijuana bakery.

They make cookies, brownies, scones, the works. But my friend is odd. He will only eat edibles made by his mother, and he never touches edibles made by his father.



I think he has an edible complex.

If there was a bipartisan push in Congress to legalize medical marijuana for arthritis treatment...

there would be joint support for joint support for joint support.

The surgeon general warns, "do not run while smoking marijuana".

It's hard on your joints.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marijuana.

Jack got high and grabbed her thigh and said “You know you wanna”. Jill said yes, pulled up her dress and then they had some fun. But silly Jill forgot her pill and now they have a son.

Use contraceptives kids.

If Americans in Niagara Falls want to get to Canada for legal marijuana...

They have to take the 420 Highway!

(It’s actually true. Look it up.)

When two marijuana dispensaries are unable to increase sales by changing location,

they have reached hash equilibrium.

Going to open up a donut shop next to a medical marijuana store

I’ll call it glazed and confused

I have a bank account specifically for my marijuana purchases.

I call it my Joint bank account.

Divorced couples in Colorado are having trouble deciding who gets the Marijuana...

The judges have started issuing joint custody

I accidentally let my cows graze in a patch of marijuana, and if anyone finds out I could lose everything.

The steaks have never been higher.

Instead of marijuana dispensaries why don't they just call it..

Grass stations

Scientists have synthesized a drug which is 100 times stronger than Marijuana.

That's what I'd call high-tech.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My doctor prescribed me Medical Marijuana and Viagra

Now I sleep hard

Why does a failed physicist smokes marijuana?

Because as he gets high he increases his potential.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Someone should really put marijuana butter on popcorn and sell it...

they could call it Mari Poppins.

years ago the devils lettuce was a term for marijuana

now it's romaine

So, there is this new strain of Marijuana called Grassy Knoll...

It is sure to blow your mind

I heard about this farmer who was feeding his cows marijuana so they would be happier and produce more offspring.

I can't recommend it because the steaks would be too high.

Marijuana-Filled Firewood

At the back woods bum-duck county police station the phone rings...

'Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?'

'Yes. What can I do for you?'

'Ah'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Mr. Virgil Smith....ya see sir, he's hidin' marijuana inside all his firewood pieces! Don't quite kn...

Why did Obi Wan Kenobi fertilize his lawn with marijuana?

He wanted the high ground.

A few partners and myself are planning to open a combination chiropractic office and marijuana dispensary.

It's going to be a joint joint joint joint joint.

Trump legalizes marijuana to pay for the wall with the tax revenues.

This really stirred the pot.

What do you call a team of DEA or Police who raids a marijuana grow-house?

A Joint Task Force

What do you call gift-wrapped marijuana?

Pretty dope.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend said he likes smoking marijuana, though he might give it up because of its laxative effect.

I told him he either needs to shit or get off the pot.

I helped my wife design her marijuana costume for the fancy dress party.

It was a joint effort.

New marijuana research reveals that it cures...

Symptoms of motivation by up to 95%.

I joined a march today for the legalization of marijuana. Well, it started off as a march, but after a while...

...it turned into a wander.

Cops raided my home and found some marijuana shrubs in my greenhouse. They asked me how it got there

I told them they were clearly planted there

California legalized marijuana

I guess they had a high voter turnout.

Medical Marijuana isn't a new concept.

We've been using smoke to cure things for centuries.

I did an exam on marijuana and ballistic weaponry.

Scored high on the first part, but bombed the second.

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