Donate one lung and you’re a hero

I donate 7 and I get arrested

So a doctor gives a guy a check-up, tries to take his heart beat, nothing, his heart is where his stomach is, his intestines where his lungs should be, and his liver where his stomach should be, i guess you could say his insides were...

Un*organ*ised

So a French man was diagnosed with lung Cancer and only have 2 months to live.

He didn't want to die leaving his familly with no money, so he decided to rob the federal bank. When he told his friend about his plan, tha latter asked why was he doing something so dangerous for the sake of his familly.

The guy replied ''I've got nothing Toulouse!''

Solider 1: Don’t die on me, you hear me!? Soldier 2: I’ve been lung shot. This is the end for me. Tell my wife I love her...

...sister

Whats the worst thing about a lung transplant?

Coughing up someone else phlegm

My sister was diagnosed with a terminal disease affecting the lungs...

The doctor said she only had 5 more years to live. Her last wish before she died was to go to Berkeley University. I thought it over for a while and said “To Berk You Go Sis!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sometimes I like to wind down the windows of my car, and sing at the top of my lungs to strangers walking by.

I was never meant to be a hearse driver.

If you really want a promotion at work, all you have to do is walk into your office shouting, "Vodka! Tequila! Sambuca!" at the top of your lungs...

This will make you the person who calls the shots...

What are the lungs favorite food?

R-alveoli

The guy driving in front of me didn't indicate, so I screamed at the top of my lungs.

He said, "Calm down, mate. Otherwise you can leave my taxi."

"It's a revolution!" I yelled at the top of my lungs.

Scared the rest of the people on the Ferris wheel.

My sister and her kids live with me, and I'm always waking up to a spoiled brat screaming her lungs out.

Her kids don't help either.

Did you know that if all the capillaries of a human lung were rolled out onto a tennis court...

The game would likely be cancelled

My friend told me he has developed a lung disease...

I told him to explain it to me asbestos he can.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A DEA agent stopped by my farm yesterday.

“I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs”, he said.

“By all means officer, just don’t go in that field over there”, I replied.

The DEA officer exploded, saying “Do you know who the fuck I am?! I have the authority of the federal government with me!”, he shouted before pul...

There was a boy with lung cancer...

One day a priest came to visit the boy in the hospital. The Priest sat on the boy's side to comfort him and pray. Soon, the boy was unable to breathe. Acting quickly the priest grabbed a pen and paper to gather the boy's last words. Days later at the funeral, the priest read the boys last words and ...

What do you get when a basketball player gets a lung infection?

LeBronchitis

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, “Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!”

The husband said, “Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?”
“Doesn't matter”' she said. “Just get out.”

What's easier to get, aids or lung cancer?

Depends what you smoke.
(Not native speaker, sorry if it doesn't make sense)

My grandpa just died of lung cancer...

He fought it asbestos he could.

How is the 85 year old Contractor that survived lung cancer doing?

Asbestos he can.

I'm so sorry.

The Boston Zoo had a large problem.

The Boston Zoo had a very large problem. Their most popular attraction, a gorilla named Jamie, had died unexpectedly in the night. Ticket sales were projected to plummet if this gorilla couldn’t be seen, so the zoo manager decided to hire a man to dress up in a gorilla costume and pretend to be Jami...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Yet another Genie joke...

A fellow is walking along the beach, in a really foul mood. He sees something shiny sticking out of the sand, and he hauls off and delivers a mighty kick.

It's a genie's bottle, and it goes tumbling across the sand. The cork pops out, and what appears is one very pissed off genie.

...

One day, a man ran through Red Square in Moscow, shouting at the top of his lungs, "Khrushchev is a fool!"

He was subsequently arrested for revealing state secrets.

So I hear Lil Wayne is in critical condition. I think it has to do with his lungs...

He's always been a lil weezy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A poem

A Republican, a hippy and an Alabaman belle,

A Russian, an Australian, two Africans as well,

An Englishman, an Irishman, a Welshman and a Scot,

An Arab and an Indian, some more that I forgot,

Five Mexicans on burro-back, sombreroed for the sun,

Bob-headed anti-vax ...

Dance till you feel hurt. Sing till your lungs hurt. Act till you're William Hurt. - Phil Dunphy

From Phil's Osophies (Modern Family). I have to get that book.

A Prisoner is digging a tunnel out of prison

He is slowly making progress day by day, but with just a spoon for a shovel it seems like an impossible task.

After numerous years of blood and sweat, he finally manages to reach the surface outside of the prison grounds.

He is overwhelmed with happiness and the thought of finally bein...

Why couldn't the surgeon 3D print a new pair of lungs?

He ran out of tissue paper.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had a stutter when I was a kid

It was embarrassing and all of the other kids made fun of me for most of my life. Finally, when I was a junior in highschool, my parents sent me to a doctor.
“D-d-doctor”, says I, “p-p-please help me. I h-h-h-have this terrible stutter”
Doc said “Son, I have some bad news for you....your peni...

Any Questions?

Science Professor: If a girl falls unconscious, give her mouth 2 mouth, blow air into her lungs and keep on pressing her chest with both your palms in quick succession...

Any Questions..?

Student : How to make her unconscious?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A wife decides to take her husband, Dave, to a strip club for his birthday

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey,Dave! How ya doin?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Dave. "Hes on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sam was at the bar

As it's now 4am he decided it was time to go home to his wife who he prayed was sleeping else he'd get in shit for being at the pub so late.
So Sam went to stand up but fell over! Thinking to himself "my lord I'm drunk" he tried to stand up again but once again his legs gave out, he thought "scre...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Jews die in the holocaust and go to heaven.

Jew 1: *laughing* Remember when they made us stay outside and caused our toes to freeze and fall off?

Jew 2: *laughing his lungs out* oh yes! And remember how the gave us “coffee” that turned out to be coal mixed with oil?


The two laugh and laugh and God approaches


God: ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An I.C.E agent was chasing a Latino through a parking lot yesterday,

And I turned up the radio and sang at the top of my lungs to encourage his freedom run,

"Jesus take the wheel!"

The bastard took the next part too seriously.

A very shy guy goes into a bar

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep w...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

His Native American girlfriend was really shy...

...so, when she came to visit him at college, he hid her away in a hotel pretty far away from his school. He knew how crude his schoolmates could be and it wouldn't do for her to be exposed to such filth as these cretins would be likely to subject her to.

The whole week that she visited, she ...

On a cruise ship

A man is standing on deck, idly watching the water. On a nearby island, he spots somebody. He strains his eyes to see, and can make out that it is a very thin, dirty looking man with wild hair. He watches him jump up and down, wave, run along the beach and can even faintly make out that he man is ye...

A new bakery is just opened when suddenly a man runs in,

screaming from the top of his lungs:

"I f\*cked your mom!"

The man runs out as fast as he came in leaving a visibly annoyed baker. The rest of the day works out fine but come the next day, right about the same time as the day before, the same man runs in. Again, from the top of his lun...

Looking for the answer to these three jokes

Sorry that this isn't a joke post, but I have three jokes that I need the answers to, if anyone knows:

1. What do you get when you cross a pair of lungs and a chihuahua?
2. What do you get when you cross a pair of lungs and a sumo wrestler?
3. What do you do if your lungs run away?
<...

An elderly herd of hearing woman goes to the doctor for her annual check up.

As the doctor is listening to her lungs , he says - Big Breaths.

The lady giggles and says - oh young man , you should have seen them when I was young.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Welcome to hell!

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair he has his first meeting with the devil.


Devil: Why so glum, chum?

Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell.


Devil: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' ma...

What's green and difficult to see through?

What's green and difficult to see through?

>!Kermit the fog!<


What's green and runs?

>!Kermit the jog!<


What's green and written once a week?

>!Kermit the blog!<


What's green and made of wood?

>!Kermit the log!<
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Who's the boss now?

After God created man, all parts of his body decided they'd need a boss to function efficiently. The brain stood up and claimed the title explaining its importance as an organ. The heart interfered and explained its own importance. The lungs, too, contested strongly in its own favor. It soon turned ...

An English soldier is captured by the French and is sentenced to execution

Unfortunately for him, screaming “mercy” at the top of his lungs only hastened the process.

Deaf Genie

A guy walks into a bar into a strange scene, a foot long pianist on the bar in front of a customer staring at the pianist.

Minding his own business, he pulls a stool beside him and calls to the bartender "give me the most special order you have, it's a special day" he says.

The bartend...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy walks into a bar with a .44 magnum.

A guy walks into a bar with a .44 magnum, fuming with anger. He yells at the top of his lungs "WHO THE FUCK, FUCKED MY WIFE!" Everybody stops, there's a lingering silence for a few seconds, then a guy in the back of the bar yells back "you haven't got enough bullets buddy."

Doctors have the most fun on April Fools.

Doctor: "i'm sorry to say you've got lung cancer."


Patient: [tearing up] "oh god, no!"

Doctor: "Sorry to say it because it's not true, lol April Fools!"

Patient: [angry] "What the hell?"

Doctor: "Yeah, pranked you, the cancer's in your pancreas."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two whales seek revenge.

Two whales are swimming in the ocean when the come upon a whaling ship.

The one whales looks to the other and says "HEY, thats the ship that killed my brother!"

The other whale says "What do you wanna do?"

The first whales says, "Alright, here's the plan; were gonna go to the ...

There was once this farmer who was obsessed with tractors.

And this farmer was really into them. He constantly upgraded his own, borrowed and lent multiple ones and bought and sold a lot.
But one day, he fell off his tractor while it was running, and it crushed his leg to bits.
After this, he was furious. He sold his tractor and told himself to never ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man dies and goes to Hell.

Satan greets him.

Hey. How's it going?

Not good. I just found out I'm in hell.

I know we have a bad reputation but it's not that bad. It's actually quite fun down here. Did you ever drink when you were alive?

Of course.

Well, Mondays, you can drink as much as you ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man lies down on his psychiatrist’s couch

“I think I’m hearing voices,” the man says, getting right to the point.

“Tell me more,” says the shrink.

The man continues “I can hear a woman shrieking at the top of her lungs. And children crying. Someone else was whispering into a phone, but that’s died down now.”

The doctor ...

An IT guy goes to hell

When he gets there the devil begins to explain his everlasting torment. "Down here you will wade in scalding magma, always burning and unable to die. There will be noxious fumes that pour into your lungs, you will always be suffocating but always conscious. You will be whipped and flayed and never r...

I'm a smoker and alcoholic.

Visited my new doctor today.

&#x200B;

Doctor: "Your liver is enlarged and your lungs sound funny. Do you smoke?"

Me: "Only when I drink"

Doctor: "How much do you drink?!"

Me: "About two packs a day..."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Black testicles

When I was nursing, a poor old gentleman lying flat on the bed, wearing an oxygen mask asked me “Are my testicles black?”

So I pulled back the covers and raised his gown to take a look.

All seemed normal and I was puzzled as to why they’d be black when he was admitted with a lung prob...

Reintroducing "All the children" jokes

This is a blatant repost because a year ago, I had a day full of laughs because of this thread, so I would like to give credit to /u/joschon for blessing us all with this a year ago.


Here in Sweden, there's a classic joke cycle called "All the children-jokes". They're kind of like limeric...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar, he goes up to the bartender and asks him if he likes to gamble.

A man walks into a bar...

He goes up to the bartender and asks him if he likes to gamble.

The bartender says, "Sure, I'll take a bet. What's your action?"

The man offers a $50 bet that he can bite his own eyeball. The bartender, thinking it's easy money, accepts his bet, and is ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy walks into a bar with a machine gun and bunch of spare boxes.

Guy walks into a bar with a machine gun and bunch of spare boxes fuming with anger. He yells at the top of his lungs "WHO FUCKED MY WIFE?". The entire bar falls silent until a guy in the back yells "You didn't brin..." just to be cut off by the angry guy who yells back "THIS HAS BEEN REPOSTED SO MAN...

A man burst into a bar with a revolver on his hand

The man yelled at the top of his lungs

"WHICH ONE OF YOU HAVE BEEN SLEEPING WITH MY WIFE?"

The whole bar went silent, one man stood up and replied

"You're gonna need more than six bullets pal!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

2 fleas meet in the city...

One of them is coughing hard and seems to be really sick.
The other one asks: "what the F happened to you?"
The other replies: "I did something stupid. I crawled into the mustache of a biker. Shit got cold quickly and now I'm stuck with the flu."

"Man that sucks, but I know something...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

TIL size doesn't matter.

Chicks will always scream through their lungs no matter how big the cockroach in their rooms is.

A Soviet scientist is experimenting on a frog.

A few years after the end of WWII, a Soviet scientist is doing some experimentation on a frog. He had previously taught it to jump, if he hears the word "jump".

&#x200B;

The scientist says "jump!" to the frog, who jumps. Then the scientist cuts of one leg, then he says jump again,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[long] An Italian, an Englishman, and an American shipwreck on an island..

They wander for a bit until they find a tribe of ritualistic cannibals, who conveniently speak English. These cannibals explain that they are to kill them, eat them, and turn their skin into canoes. However, they're not TOTAL savages, so they will allow the 3 shipwrecked to choose their cause of dea...

Moishe the actor

Moishe, a Jewish actor, is so down and out, he's ready to take any acting gig that
he can find. Finally, he gets a lead, a classified ad that says, "Actor Needed To Play
An Ape." "I could do that," says Moishe.
To his surprise, the employer turns out to be the Central Park Zoo in New Yor...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sam died...

And found himself in hell. Greeted by Satan, he started crying.
Confused, Satan asks him what's wrong?

Well, I'm in literal Hell! Answered Samuel.

Oh, it's not as bad here as you think. Tell me, do you drink?

Well, can't say I've ever spat in a glass, Samuel answered.
...

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman meet a Genie.

The Genie says,
"You may all slide once down this magic slide. Whatever you shout on the way down will be what you land in at the end."

The Englishman slides down and shouts
"Lagerrrrrrrrrrrr!"

The Scotsman slides down and shouts
"Whsikeyyyyyy!"

Finally, the Irishman sl...

Little bit of a read but funny

(Im from Louisiana and we usually use Boudreaux and Thibadeaux as our characters with our cajun accent but for joke purposes ill use tim and matt)
Tim and Matt went to see a wrestling match at a local arena. There was a famous wrestler in town called the Human Pretzel (due to his special move fol...

So, a stutterer was a wedding.

He stand's up and says, "hip, hip."

And then everyone on the wedding party said with their glasses raised,
"HURRAY"

The stutterer, tried again, but louder, "HIP!! HIP!!"

Everyone raised their glasses again and shouted out of their lungs!
"HUURRAAAAY!!!!!"

The stutte...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There once was a man who loved tractors,

There once was a man who loved tractors, I mean he absolutely adored them. He had tractor models, tractor wallpaper, remote control miniature tractors, tractor board games, even some tractor anime(which is not easy to find mind you). The only thing that even came close to his love for tractors, was ...

A man buys a pack of cigarettes, warning label on the pack says: Smoking causes impotence.

The man gives it back and says "WTF is this? Give me the one that causes lung cancer instead."

Organ meeting (different from the one when they argue who is in charge)

All the organs and body parts have a meeting. Brain informs them that once a year, they can afford a therapy for one of them, to help it function properly again. Brain then asks them if they have any problems, so it knows which one needs therapy the most.
"All the smoking completely ruined us....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Brass Section

I've been told different instruments are played better if you have more control over certain parts of your body.

Tubas are played better by those who have more lung control and breathing practice.

Baritones are played better by those with quick and precise tongues.

French Ho...

A child who loved tractors (sorry if it’s a repost, haven’t seen it yet)

There was a young boy born to a family of farmers, his name was Ryan.

From a very early age he was amazed by all the machinery on his farm, but especially the tractors, his father owned four, each unique to their tasks. The large red one for the tonnes of wheat, the slightly smaller green one...

Don't call yourself a Chainsmokers fan...

..unless you have stage 4 lung cancer.

The Zoo Joke (Long)

So there's this zoo, and this zoo isn't very affluent, but, if someone visits the zoo, it is definitely to see their gorilla.

One morning, the workers come in early to open the zoo like normal and find, to their great sadness, that their famous gorilla has died of old age. The zoo staff are ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.

The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.

The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.

Aware of her charms an...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Rating my past girlfriends

My girlfriend in highschool? She was steamin hot. My girlfriend in college? She was sizzlen hot. My girlfriend now? She's fuckin smokin!

She was diagnosed with lung cancer last week.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Irish Dad

Paddy found a small plastic bag in his teenage sons pocket.

The bag was full of a white powder.

He called his son Mick into his bedroom.

"Mick, what the fuck is this?"

Mick exclaimed "Da, am sorry! It's cocaine n a didn't mean to get into it! Anthony gave me it! It feels...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are standing on a roof.

A man who claims to be a magician approaches the three.
"If you jump off this roof, whatever you yell on your way down is what you shall land in," the magician tells them.
The Englishman, obviously the bravest of the three, volunteers to go first. He jumps off the roof, and on his way down yel...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A couple goes into a restaurant...

...and she meets a group of friends, one of them addresses her husband:

Hey John, how are you?

The husband says: "Not well, I'm ill, I have AIDS and the doctor gave me only a few months to live."

Astonished, he just says goodbye.

The woman discreetly says to her husband:<...

(Long) A thirsty man got himself lost in the desert...

and was searching for water. After countless hours searching and hoping, he came upon a well with a big opening.
He peered inside... squinted... but couldn't see a thing down there.
He looked around and found a small pebble and tossed it in. He then listened closely for any sign of a splash or...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

swearing parrot joke

A man bought a parrot. But sadly, it's previous owners used some really nasty words, and the parrot didn't stop swearing!

so the man yells at the parrot, takes away it's food, and threatens to lock it in the cupboard.

but the parrot doesn't shut up, so the man locks it in the cupboard....

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.