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Lung Jokes

Donate one lung and you’re a hero

I donate 7 and I get arrested

Why don't you heart, lungs and intestines get mixed up?

Because they are organised

Two doctors, Jenkins and Smith, are treating a man with lung disease.

They’re explaining how him smoking weed led to his condition worsening.

“But it’s just herbal!” the patient protested. “How can it be bad?”

Dr Jenkins sighed. “Apricot stones contain lethal amounts of cyanide. There is a certain plant in my back garden - if you sit under it for just te...

What's the difference between Me and Lung Cancer?

My dad didn't beat Lung Cancer.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

US President Donald Trump tested and was not infected by the Corona virus. Experts from the Robert Koch Institute are not surprised.

The virus has been shown to affect lungs, not assholes.

What did one lung say to the other?

We be-lung together

A man was driving on the highway in the US when suddenly he was hit by a drunk driver, breaking his right arm, puncturing his lung, and putting him into a short coma

Despite not having insurance, he left the hospital without any financially crippling debt that would haunt him for the rest of his life and compromise his future savings.

Rush Limbaugh: “I have lung cancer.”

Everyone under 50: “OK tumor”

I got diagnosed without having a left lung.

My doctor said I was all right.

Lung cancer has done a real number on me; I don’t have long left. Doc said he’s going to get me a donor lung..

…but I’m not holding my breath.

Felt like doing some lunges but…

That would be a huge step forward

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Superpu$$y!!!

There's a crazy old lady in a nursing home. She goes up to the receptionist and tears open her robe, revealing her naked body. She yells, "SUPERPUSSY!" at the top of her lungs and walks away.


Next the old lady goes into the rec room where other residents are basket-weaving, watching TV ...

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I participated in a lung surgery earlier

That was breathtaking

Tea is an evil substance. It is much more dangerous than beer.

I discovered this last night. I drank 15 beers up until 3 am in the pub while my wife was just at home drinking tea.

You should have seen how mad and violent she was when I got home. She threw the chair at me and kept screaming at the top of her lungs. On the other hand, I was quiet and peac...

Did you know there are many different words for lungs?

I just can't remember them because I have bad lung term memory

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A woman who is constantly embarrassed by her husband falling asleep in church goes to the priest to ask for help.

The priest says, "Look love, if he falls asleep again, poke him with this hat pin. I'll nod to you as a signal to poke him.". The woman agrees to the plan.

So Sunday rolls around and sure enough, good old Mr. Jones nods off again. The priest notices and asks, "Who is our savior?" then nods to...

How did the thrifter get lung cancer?

By breathing in second-hand smoke

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Two whales seek revenge.

Two whales are swimming in the ocean when the come upon a whaling ship.

The one whales looks to the other and says "HEY, thats the ship that killed my brother!"

The other whale says "What do you wanna do?"

The first whales says, "Alright, here's the plan; were gonna go to the ...

Did you know that if all the capillaries of a human lung were rolled out onto a tennis court...

The game would likely be cancelled

Whats the worst thing about a lung transplant?

The first bit of slime is not yours.

My wife told me last week that I needed to exercise more and do lunges.

But that’s a huge step forward.

Did you know that, with enough pressure, the human lung will burst like a balloon?

Anyway, I lost my medical license today.

What's the worst part about having a lung transplant?

Coughing up someone else's phlegm

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar

.After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them....

Why do your heart, liver and lungs all fit in your body?

Because they are well organized

I asked my wife for suggestions for a new exercise routine, and she said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”

I said, “That...sounds like a big step.”

How is the 85 year old Contractor that survived lung cancer doing?

Asbestos he can.

I'm so sorry.

How did Steve got his lungs injured in army?

Sergeant told him to blow up the tank.

Three engineers are arguing what type of engineer God is

The first says, "God is a mechanical engineer. Look at how we manipulate our arms, legs, lungs, and how blood flows through our bodies. God is a mechanical engineer."

The second says, "No. God is an electrical engineer. Our nervous system, heart, brain. Everything is run by electrical impulse...

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A man scores a hot date Not wanting to disappoint his date in the bedroom, he goes to the doctor to get his penis enlarged.

The doctor says, "we happen to have a new experimental procedure that uses muscle cells from an elephant trunk that should do the trick." To which the man accepts.

Later on, the man and his date are having dinner. The man is in love with her, but is experiencing an increasingly uncomfortable ...

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A wife decides to take her husband, Dave, to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if hes been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Dave. "Hes on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
...

I'm sorry, sir, we had to remove one of your lungs. The good news though...

Now there's enough room for your liver.

An FBI agent tells a Montana rancher, 'I need to inspect your ranch for illegal grown drugs.' The old rancher says, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there.'

The agent verbally explodes saying, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.' Reaching into his rear pant pocket and removing his badge. The officer proudly displays it to the farmer. 'See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish, on any land. No questi...

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A DEA agent stopped at our farm yesterday.

“We are going to need to search your land for illegally grown drugs.”

I said, “that’s fine, but don’t go into that field over there. You won’t like it.”

Agitated by this, the officer explodes saying, “do you see this god damn badge son?! This badge means I can go where I please, when I...

COVID-19 can damage the heart, lung, and brain.

Luckily for Trump, he just needs to worry about lung damage.

A Venezuelan went to the doctor and was diagnosed with lung cancer.

So he reached in his pocket, took out an envelope and discretely handed it to the doctor. The doctor opened it. Counted the money.



Turns out it was just a little cough.

I got so out of shape during lockdown. I think I should start exercising by doing lunges.

That would be a big step forward.

What are the lungs favorite food?

R-alveoli

My grandpa just died of lung cancer...

He fought it asbestos he could.

What do you get when a basketball player gets a lung infection?

LeBronchitis

An IT guy goes to hell

When he gets there the devil begins to explain his everlasting torment. "Down here you will wade in scalding magma, always burning and unable to die. There will be noxious fumes that pour into your lungs, you will always be suffocating but always conscious. You will be whipped and flayed and never r...

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One day a guy dies...

...and finds himself in hell. Walking around, he runs into the devil.

Devil: Why are you so sad?

Guy: Why do you think? I'm in hell.

Devil: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man?

Guy: Sure, I love to drink.

Devil: Well ...

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A man dies and goes to Hell.

Satan greets him.

Hey. How's it going?

Not good. I just found out I'm in hell.

I know we have a bad reputation but it's not that bad. It's actually quite fun down here. Did you ever drink when you were alive?

Of course.

Well, Mondays, you can drink as much as you ...

I have a really bad habit of screaming at the top of my lungs during my rectal exam.

It makes my patients really nervous.

What's easier to get, aids or lung cancer?

Depends what you smoke.
(Not native speaker, sorry if it doesn't make sense)

If you really want a promotion at work, all you have to do is walk into your office shouting, "Vodka! Tequila! Sambuca!" at the top of your lungs...

This will make you the person who calls the shots...

My sister was diagnosed with a terminal disease affecting the lungs...

The doctor said she only had 5 more years to live. Her last wish before she died was to go to Berkeley University. I thought it over for a while and said “To Berk You Go Sis!”

What's the worst part about getting a lung transplant?

The first couple of times you cough, the loogeys aren't yours!

A blonde gets a job at a Gas Station...

It is her first day, and her first customer drives to pump #1 in a red convertible. Super excited, she approaches the customer and says, "Hey, mister, would you like some gas?" The customer says, "Yes, that's why I am here," she immediately gets to work, filling the customer's tank.

While the...

A guy walks in to his backyard and sees a gorilla in his tree

He gets online and finds a man who specializes in gorilla removal. When he arrives at the house he has a stick, a set of handcuffs, a chihuahua, and a shotgun.
He tells the homeowner "I'm going to climb up in the tree and use the stick to hit the gorilla until he falls out of the tree. Upon lan...

Ex called to say the Dr wants her to quit smoking because of her heart and lungs.

Me: What one did he say is blacker?

My favorite workout is a mix between a lunge and a crunch,

I call it lunch.

[Request] My friend's last name is Lung and I promised I'd make a really good joke about that

Does anyone have anything I could use? Additional information about her to make it specific is available at request.

The guy driving in front of me didn't indicate, so I screamed at the top of my lungs.

He said, "Calm down, mate. Otherwise you can leave my taxi."

A man came into a doctor's office with a hacking up a lung, coughing up gobs of mucous into a handkerchief.

The staff tried to find out what was wrong and get more info from the man but he was clearly speaking a foreign language and no one could seem to identify what it was. A nurse happened to walk by the man and heard what was going on. She immediately got on her phone and soon a translator was at the m...

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The hunter's sandwich

So there's a fly buzzing around above a stream. What the fly doesn't know is that a trout is watching. The trout thinks, "if that fly drops just 2 inches, I'm gonna flop out and get him". The trout doesn't know that there's a bear watching him thinking, "if that trout flops, I'm gonna rush him". The...

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, “Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!”

The husband said, “Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?”
“Doesn't matter”' she said. “Just get out.”

An elderly gentleman goes to his..

doctor for a physical, checked his bloodwork, heart and lungs, everything looks great! The doctor said he had one more test to perform. He needed the man to go home to collect a sperm sample in this jar to see how his reproductive health is.

The old man says no problem with a smile.

Th...

My sister and her kids live with me, and I'm always waking up to a spoiled brat screaming her lungs out.

Her kids don't help either.

Two guys are walking down the street when a thug lunges from an alley and points a gun at them...

"Gimmie all your money, both of you! Now!" the thug says.

Bill says, "Wait! Wait! Wait! Just a minute! Steve, here's that $200 I owe you!"

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A guy walks into a bar with a .44 magnum.

A guy walks into a bar with a .44 magnum, fuming with anger. He yells at the top of his lungs "WHO THE FUCK, FUCKED MY WIFE!" Everybody stops, there's a lingering silence for a few seconds, then a guy in the back of the bar yells back "you haven't got enough bullets buddy."

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Sometimes I like to wind down the windows of my car, and sing at the top of my lungs to strangers walking by.

I was never meant to be a hearse driver.

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Do you know the story about the salmon in the mountain lake?

Imagine. A snow topped mountain, evergreen forests, clear blue skies, a beautiful lake reflecting the light of the sun.



Well in that lake, there was a salmon. Above the salmon a fly was buzzing around.


The salmon thinks: "if that fly flies ten centimeters lower, I can catc...

One day, a man ran through Red Square in Moscow, shouting at the top of his lungs, "Khrushchev is a fool!"

He was subsequently arrested for revealing state secrets.

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A Russian and an Irish wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal.

Before the final match, the Irish wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. It ties you up in knots. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're ...

Was awoken this morning by a loud banging on my front door. Got up and someone was there yelling and screaming in terror “Help! Help! there is a crazy person trying to kidnap me.” They kept screaming and yelling at the top of their lungs and banging on the door.

Finally got so annoying I unlocked the door and let them out.

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A rabbit is running hastily through the forest

And suddenly sees a deer relaxing under a tree smoking some hash. "What're you doing here, are you crazy?" says the rabbit, "We're in nature in the clean air, and you're smoking hash? Get up so we can run together and clean out our lungs!" "Youre right!" says the deer, and he gets up and starts runn...

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A nun walks into a liquor store

A nun walks into a liquor store and asks for a bottle of rum. "But I thought the nuns in your covent are sworn to sobriety," says the man behind the till. "We are, but the Mother Superior is constipated and when applied correctly rum serves as a good laxative," says the nun and walks away with the b...

Dance till you feel hurt. Sing till your lungs hurt. Act till you're William Hurt. - Phil Dunphy

From Phil's Osophies (Modern Family). I have to get that book.

/r/jokes, I have a belief that EVERYTHING bad or upsetting can be improved with humor. Do you have any chemotherapy jokes for me?

I am a 15yo guy, she is a 17yo girl who has a nonsmokers lung cancer. Any positive or uplifting jokes will be appreciated.

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Judgement Day

So, there's this guy, not exactly a saint, and on judgment day, he finds himself in the fiery realms. Satan, with a wicked grin, goes, "Welcome to eternal suffering! Time to choose your poison. Pick a door, any door."

Sweating bullets, our guy opens the first door and, BAM, it's a grues...

The Boston Zoo had a large problem.

The Boston Zoo had a very large problem. Their most popular attraction, a gorilla named Jamie, had died unexpectedly in the night. Ticket sales were projected to plummet if this gorilla couldn’t be seen, so the zoo manager decided to hire a man to dress up in a gorilla costume and pretend to be Jami...

On the first day of COVID my illness gave to me…

An anxious uncertainty

On the second day of COVID my illness gave to me...
Two heavy lungs
And an anxious uncertainty

On the third day of COVID my illness gave to me...
Three tons of mucous
Two heavy lungs
And an anxious uncertainty

On the fourth da...

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The organs of the body are trying to decide who should be in charge, the brain says 'I control all the information to and from the body, I'm the obvious choice' the lungs say 'well you can't do any of that without me, so I should lead' finally the rectum says 'I do waste disposal, I should lead' ...

All the other organs laugh at the rectum, in protest the rectum tightens right up. Soon the lungs and brain feel awful and are struggling to work, as are all the other organs, to appease the rectum they name it in charge.

Moral of the story is, the arsehole is always in charge.

We've just found out something crazy about your grandpa, he's just like Walter White!

Was not a fun way to be told that he has lung cancer

The duck hunt

An urbanite goes duck hunting in the countryside. When he sees a duck, he takes aim and shoots. But the bird falls on a farmer's estate, and the farmer does not hand over the prey.

"That's my bird," the urbanite insists on his right. The farmer suggests settling the dispute with a kick ...

Walt Disney's body wasn't frozen after he died.

Contrary to popular legend, it was only his head that was cryogenically frozen after he succumbed to lung cancer, having been a heavy smoker.

Years later a friend requested that Walt be thawed out so that he could see how he was doing. Apparently old habits die hard, because the first thing ...

So it's a sweet old couple happily living life.

One day the wife went in for a medical exam and when she came home she reported to her husband, "The doctor says I have the heart of a 50-year-old, lungs of a 40-year-
old, and the blood pressure of a 25-year-old."

The husband replies, "Oh really? And what did he say about your 70-year-o...

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"I'm so wet!" she screamed at me.

"I'm so fucking wet!" she screamed at the top of her lungs. "Give it to me, now!"

She could yell all she wanted, I was keeping the umbrella.

The wife's weight gain, through overeating and laziness, had become the final straw in an already strained relationship and I decided I would just have to kill her.

I hid in the kitchen, knowing it wouldn't be long before she turned up looking to raid the fridge. And sure enough, she soon came waddling in.

I leapt out from behind a cupboard, arm raised, brandishing a huge knife..


"OH MY GOD!!" She screamed at the top of her lungs. "Are we havi...

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My wife and I had a day at the zoo. It was going pleasantly until my wife had to lunge at me and scurry me out of the chimpanzee area under a flurry of flying poop

She gave me a the dirtiest look when I told her, "they started it!"

A lawyer is driving his Ferrari...

...when suddenly he loses control and drives straight into a tree. A few moments later, another man pulls up beside him and asks him if he is alright.

"My Ferrari!" Cries the lawyer, "Its gone!"

The man says to him, "You're so focused on your supercar that you haven't noticed that your...

SO happy to announce my mother has tested negative for COVID-19...

Doctor said the breathing issues are only pulmonary fibrosis, a collapsed lung, and stage 4 cancer. Phew!

A man burst into a bar with a revolver on his hand

The man yelled at the top of his lungs

"WHICH ONE OF YOU HAVE BEEN SLEEPING WITH MY WIFE?"

The whole bar went silent, one man stood up and replied

"You're gonna need more than six bullets pal!"

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An American arrives in Ireland and goes to the nearest pub…

… and walks straight up the bar. It’s busy, and he looks around at the customers. Satisfied, he bellows at the top of his lungs, “I’ve just arrived from America, and I’ve heard tell of how much the Irish drink stout. I’ve got $500 for anyone who can drink ten pints of Guinness in ten minutes or less...

Blowing up a Balloon.

My niece had a premature baby that spent 2 weeks on a ventilator because her lungs were not fully developed yet. She continued to have breathing problems as a toddler and needed to you inhalers to get enough oxygen.
On her 3rd birthday, she insisted on helping her mom decorate for her party. And ...

What do you call a superhero with polio

The Iron Lung

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Two brothers learn to swear

And they recently learned the F word. So during breakfast, one morning, they figured it would be cool to try it out on their dad. When Dad asked “hey kids, what would you like for breakfast?”, the eldest boy responds “Dad. Give us a bowl of fucking Wheaties!”.

Angered by this response the da...

Driver

A highway patrolman pulled up alongside a speeding car on the freeway.

as the officer peered through the driver's window, he was astounded to find that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting.

The trooper cranked down his window and yelled to the driver, Pull over! at the top of his...

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Winning the lottery

A man gets home, screeches his car into the driveway, runs into the house, slams the door and shouts at the top of his lungs, “Honey,pack your bags. I won the damn lottery!”
The wife says,“Ohmigod! No shit?! What should I pack,beach stuff or mountain stuff?”
The husband yells back,“It doesn’t...

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A man who smokes . . .

A man who smokes has an increased risk of getting lung cancer.

A man who performs cunnilingus has an increased risk of getting tongue cancer.

And a man who does both has an increased risk of starting a bush fire.

A son and his Dad have an intense argument and the son storms off, furious.

Before he gets out of earshot of his father, he yells "Jim Morrison was a terrible singer and an uninspired artist who never did anything worthwhile".

His father cannot believe this insolence, and screams at the top of his lungs "As long as you live in this house, you will never, EVER SLAM TH...

Two philosophers are having a discussion about the morality of swords. To back up their claims, one of them picks up a sword and shouts "The tip of this sword could never pierce your leather vest" and proceeds to lunge the sword into their chest

Coughing up blood, the wounded philosopher weakly replies "That's a good point"

Dentist

A man came to dentist to check his teeth. After the examination the dentist said that everything was alright, but asked the man for a favor.

\- No problem. What favor?

\- Could you please now start screaming at the top of your lungs?

\- But why? I feel no pain, and you say all i...

A man walks in through the front door after work

and his wife immediately starts smacking him, left and right across the face, cursing.

"Woah woah woah...what gives?!?" the man says.

The smacking intensifies briefly, and then she let's up.

"I picked up your coat from the dry cleaners earlier today, and found THIS in the pocke...

The doctor tells the man that he has bad news and worse news.

The man says, "Let's hear the worse news first."

So the doctor tells him: "I'm sorry, but you appears to have lung cancer."

So the man, asked the doctor "Ok, we what's the bad news?

So the doctor tells him:

"You also appears to have alzheimer's."

The man replies, <...

I thought I had Coronavirus..

..but luckily it only turned out to be lung cancer :)

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A woman took her husband to the doctor.

"He can't talk, only sings!" she told him in some distress. "I can't communicate with him anymore!"

The doctor asked the husband, "Is this true? Are you only able to sing now?"

The husband looked at the doctor and burst out, "Well she's all you'd ever want, she's the kind I'd like to f...

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