UPJOKE
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After years of never having enough hot water, and countless cold showers, we finally had an on-demand water heater installed, that provides unlimited hot water.

And although the plumber did an excellent installation and worked quickly, we did not express our appreciation.

It was a tankless job.

My wife hated the heater I bought

But she warmed up to it

I feel bad for plumbers who install those fancy water heaters that hang on the wall.

It’s a tankless job.

A doctor heard a funny noise coming from his water heater and called the plumber.

The plumber listened for a few moments, pulled out a hammer and gave it 2 light taps.

“It’s fixed,” he says and hand the doctor an invoice.

“$150 the doctor screams? You were here 10 minutes – that’s $900 an hour. I’m a doctor and I only make a 3rd of that.”

The plumber said,” Y...

Staying busy with quarantine and just replaced my leaking water heater.

It's a tankless job, but somebody has to do it.

My friend said nobody likes using space heaters.

I thought, that's such a blanket statement.

I bought a new heater for my wife, as she is constantly complaining about how cold our house is.

She didn't like it at first, but now I think she's warmed up to it.

I like jokes about airconditioners, but jokes about heaters?

Not cool.

Why did Jim buy his friend a space heater?

It was a housewarming gift!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A joke I heard as a kid: “Three ants are sleeping on a beautiful naked woman…

… and the morning after they are debating on who found the better place to sleep.

The first ant says: “My spot was the best! I rested on the soft hills”

The second ant replies: “No, no, mine was the best! I slept in the deep forest”

Then the third ant comes and says: “Well...

An uncle of mine used to throw a space heater into the pool to heat it up before he would go swimming during the colder months

Come to think of it, he only did it once

My girlfriend this morning: "Men were made to be heaters. Warm me up"

"Why do you think man discovered fire? So we can get out of these responsibilities"

Deep in the arctic, a fortress sits. This is Legion Prison, where all Supervillains are jailed.

And the Warden is having a very difficult time. In the beginning, it wasn’t so hard. A handful of villains can’t get up to too much trouble without their tools and weapon.

But as the prison filled up, things began to get more difficult.

MechaSlayer kept trying to fight Robo-Con.
...

God calls Satan.

"Hey, I think we misplaced an engineer and he ended up in Hell."

"Yeah, Carl. Been doing a wonderful job. We finally got an AC system up and running and the heaters are fixed. He even designed an auto-poker for the pitchfork teams."

"Send him back here, he belongs in Heaven."

"Y...

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Three homeless guys are looking for a place to sleep for the night

(It's a long one but bear with it).

The first guy comes across a dumpster in an alleyway, he decides it's too cold to keep looking and climbs inside.

The second guy walks to the end of the alleyway and finds an abandoned car, he gets to work on picking the lock as he decides that's whe...

Want to know why I like space heaters?

"They make great housewarming gifts"

How does ISIS turn on their water heater?

They light the pilot on fire.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A drunk walks into a music store

Drunken man: "I want the trumpet and the accordion!"
The salesman answers that these are not for sale. The drunk leaves the store irritated.
The next day he comes back, more energetic: "I want the trumpet and the accordion!
The salesman is slightly annoyed, says that he will not sell them ...

Winter is officially over!

Just saw 2 crackheads carry a space heater into a pawn shop.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The computer is connected to watt?

A man calls tech support and says, "I unplugged my space heater, and then my computer just blacked out!"

Tech support: Is the power strip that your computer's plugged into still lit?

User: Yes

Tech support: What happens if you move the mouse or press a key?

User: Noth...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Training A Puppy

We brought home a new puppy on October 29. I told the family that the puppy has to be trained in one month. I said the family rule starting November 29 is that any piss or shit on the floor means a night outside.

Sure enough, I came home last night and found piss and shit on the floor. I knew...

Ole and Sven go to Hell

Ole and Sven, ignoring the -60 degree windchill warnings, froze to death while ice fishing in northern Minnesota and descend to Hell.

Coming to check on his new arrivals from up North, Satan is surprised to find Ole and Sven enjoying themselves, finally removing coats and hats that they've ...

How did NASA decide to keep the ships warm on board?

Space heaters

What does a Dutchman do when he's cold?

He sits by the heater.

What does he do when he's very cold?

He turns the heater on.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was trying to figure out how to pronounce Peter Buttigieg’s name.

Then I was told it rhymes with “Heater.”

A redditor come back home

A redditor come back home just to find all of his heaters are gone but doesn't know who took them

Nun takes a vow of silence

A woman joins a convent that requires a vow of silence, allowing members only two word a decade.

Ten years go by and the woman tells the head nun, "Room cold." They give her a heater and she goes back to her prayers.

Ten more years go by and she says, "Bed hard." They give her a new ma...

A one-liner a came up with.

I recently bought a superconducting electric heater... I was not impressed!

One night an old Scottish man was going to the pub

like he had done for the last 40 years.
He told his wife “Molly go and put on your coat”
Molly was delighted. “Awwww James are you finally taking me with you to the pub, after all these years! You always say You don’t want we there!!”
“No Molly, I’m just going to turn off the heater while ...

The story of the freezing kayaker

Once there was a man who liked to kayak during the winter, paddling along looking at the beautiful snow-covered scenery. Of course, it would get very cold out, so he would get very cold too.

One day he had an idea about how to keep warm. He sawed his kayak down the middle lengthwise and str...

Why is outer space so cold?

All the space heaters are on earth!

Tiger, Lance and Tom walk into a cold bar...

"Heaters," the bartender cries in frustration, "I told him to send me heaters!"

Why was the Astronaut cold?

He forgot to bring a space heater.

How do churches make holy water?

Turn their water heaters up so high they boil the hell out of it

How do aliens stay warm?

Space heater.

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