How do you eat Reese's puffs?

Witherspoon

How do you make an apple puff?

Chase it round the garden

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The Muff Puff

So there was this married couple and the husband was a drunk. He would constantly drink and end up get abusive towards his wife.

So one day the wife gets fed up and decides she is going to go to the pet store and get something that will help defend herself. When she gets to the store an empl...

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4 years ago today, I shared the worst joke I ever created. Here it is again for those that missed it.

There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to g...

TIL the creator of Corn Pops also invented Cocoa Puffs, Frosted Flakes, Froot Loops, and Apple Jacks

His tombstone just says "cereal entrepreneur"

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A guy moves to a new town and is looking for nearby place to get a drink.

He walks into the first bar he sees and orders a beer. The bartender serves him but says that if he wants to come back he has to become a member. The guy takes a drink and looks around the place then asks, "well what do I gotta do to be a member?" The bartender reply's, "Well, did you see that 7 foo...

A drunk guy walks into a bar...

​

The bartender asks "Why the long face?"

The man replies "I just found out my wife is sleeping with another man. I've decided I'm going to drink myself to death."

The bartender looks shocked and says "I'm sorry I can't help you kill yourself."

The man asks "We...

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A monkey was smoking a blunt at the top of a tree...

When a lizard walking by smells the weed. She looks up and yells "Hey Monkey! Is that you?"

The monkey looks down and says "Oh hey man, come on up and take some hits."

After climbing up, the lizard starts to toke away with the monkey when she starts to get hungry.
She takes a puff a...

Deb, a blonde, gets caught in a hailstorm.

And so she brings her badly dented car to the body shop. The mechanic decides to play a trick on her.

The mechanic, pretending to inspect the car says, "I see you got caught in yesterday's hailstorm. There's an easy fix for that. When you get home, just blow really hard on the tail pipe and a...

A man walks into a bar

and sees his friend sitting beside a 12-inch pianist. He says to his friend, "That's amazing. How did you get that?"
The man pulls out a bottle and tells him to rub it and make a wish. He rubs the bottle, and a puff of smoke pops out and tells him that he can have one wish. So the man thinks and ...

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This guy walks into a bar, takes a seat and puts a bag onto the bar

He reaches into the bag and pulls out a little piano and then a little seat. Then this little guy comes out of the bag takes a bow, has a sits down and start playing the piano. A man with a hat sitting next to the man with the bag exclaims, "That's amazing! How did you get this little guy?"

...

A woman named Patty Black finally gets her dream job at the bank

She is told to handle loans, but to get the manager is the loan was strange or asking for an excessive amount of money. After an entire day of nobody approaching her, somebody asks for her attention. It takes her a while to realize, but it is a frog in a suit sitting on the chair in front of her boo...

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Three Couples, Two Straight and One Gay

Three couples, two straight and one gay, are on a cruise when the ship gets hit by a tidal wave. The ship capsizes and they all drown and find themselves before St. Peter.

The first straight couple goes up and asks St. Peter "Can we enter heaven?"

St. Peter replies "You, sir, are a gl...

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotchman are marooned on an island

John, Mick, and McTavish have been stuck on the island for a very long time, and all have grown long beards.

One day while exploring, John discovered an old type of lamp, like an oil lamp.

Mick saw it and said "It could be an ol' genie! rub it a few times"

John rubs the lamp thr...

The Russian, the German and the French.

The Russian, the German and the French folks appear in the desert with no water. They find genie lamp and the genie told them they all have 2 wishes each.

German: "I want to get back home with 1 000 000 EUR" - Puff, done.
French: "I want to get back home with 100 beautiful women" - Puff, d...

A stoner is smoking a joint at a hostel when a German guy turns up.

The German guy speaks no English, but the stoner is feeling good so he offers the German his joint. The German takes a puff, thanks him, and hands it back. The stoner nods approvingly, and for some reason begins to roll another joint. He takes a puff himself, and hands it to the German, and again th...

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A Grand Dad and a Kid are in the kitchen. The grand dad is smoking a cigar.

So the kid says hey grand pa can I have a puff of that cigar?

The grand dad says "Can your Dick touch your asshole ?" to which the kid replies "No it can't" so the grand dad says "you can't have a puff of the cigar" .The kid walks away angrily.

The next day the kid walks in on the gran...

Smokin’ Old Ladies

Two ladies in their 80s, best friends Ethel and Delores, are smoking while enjoying each other’s company.

“Delores,” Ethel starts, “how do smoke regularly but your lips never chap or crack?”

“Well, I use these,” Delores responds as she pulls out a condom. She then cuts the tip of the c...

A pair of newlyweds go golfing...

A pair of young newlyweds decide to go golfing at an upscale resort. They get up early Sunday morning, load up their clubs, and drive the hour and half to the remote location. On the first tee, they are astounded to see multi-million dollar homes lining the course, the rising sun catching stained pl...

Rene Descartes walks into a bar

and orders a drink. When he finishes his drink, the bartender asks him if he would like another. Descartes replies, “No, I think not,” and disappears in a puff of logic.

The guy is carrying a keg of beer

It's Friday evening, great weather, long weekend ahead. Everything is just perfect.

Suddenly he sees some rusty antique lamp in a pile of garbage. Curious, he picks it up.
Surely enough genie appears.

- what's your wish?

- what, just one?

- yep, this is a used lamp, o...

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A little boy and his papa were going on a boat ride

On the car ride to the lake the papa put in a dip. The little boy asked, "Papa, can I have a little dip too?" The papa asked the boy a question in return. "Is your penis long enough to touch your asshole?" The boy responded no and the papa replied back, "Well then you're not old enough, and besides,...

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There was a gentleman waiting to use the restroom...

...in a classy establishment, but the occupant was taking his time.

​

A lady noticed that he was walking funny, taking small steps, and with a look of pain and anxiety on his face. "Sir", she said, "the ladies restroom is unoccupied. You may use it if you promise not to touc...

This summer was driving down the highway when it saw police lights flashing in its rear view window...

It, being the good summer it is, pulls over and the cop approaches its car window. The officer leans in and says, “Summer, do you know fast you were going?”

Summer, without hesitation, lights a cigarette and puffs, “I don’t know, Sir. Too fast?”

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A Pig walks into a pub.

He goes up to the bar and sees a curious looking bottle bubbling away with mist emanating from the top. Slightly flummoxed he asks the barman, “What’s this about then?”

The barman replies, “Well, this is a mystic potion, a concoction of my very own. Take a sip and it’ll magically release your...

President Trump invited the Pope for lunch on his mega yacht

The Pope
accepted and during lunch, a puff of wind blew the Pontiff's
hat off, right into the water.

It floated off about 50 feet, then the wind died down and it just floated in place.

The crew and the secret service were scrambling to launch a boat to go get
it, when Trump wa...

The tiny door to the magic castle was barely big enough to crawl through. It was carved with a half-lion, half-eagle, and guarded by a fearsome raven that would only allow you to pass if you breathed on its foot...

So basically you had to huff n puff on the raven claw then slither in the griffon door.

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Nsfw a rabbit and a bear cross a field and stumble on a green lamp.

The rabbit spoting the lamp instinctively rubbed it and in his astonishment and with a large puff of smoke a genie appeared coughing and splutering...

"Wow thank you both for releasing me its been ages since my last release. As customary i grant you both three wishes of your hearts desire"...

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A man was sitting on the edge of the bed...

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.
"I'd like to be eight again", she replied, still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her Birthday, h...

3 Men are stranded on a desert island.

They begin to lose hope when they happen upon a magic lamp. They give it a quick rub and to their joy a genie appears.

The genie can offer 3 wishes, and grants each of the men a single wish each.

The first man: "I wish to be off this island and back home with my wife and kids, I miss...

A man releases a genie

A man is walking along a beach in California when he finds a bottle. He opens it, and with a puff of smoke, a genie is released.

"As a reward for freeing me from the bottle," says the genie, "I'll grant you one wish."

The man thinks for a while and says "I've always wanted to visit Aus...

A man walks into a bar

he sits down at the bar and orders a drink. out of his shirt pocket he pulls out a little man and out of his pants pocket he pulls a little piano with a bench. He sets them on the bar and the little man proceeds to play the piano. The bartender is amazed and asks where he got them. The man pulls an ...

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A magic frog is hopping through a forest.

The forest is so big, he's not seen a single animal since he left his birthing puddle. One day he sees a bear chasing a rabbit and he stops them. "As you are the first living things I've seen in a long time, I will grant you each 3 wishes."

The rabbit takes a moment to think, but the bear blu...

A PhD student, a post-doc, and their professor are walking through a city park.

They find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke.

The Genie says, “I usually only grant three wishes, so I’ll give each of you just one.”

“Me first! Me first!” says the PhD student.

“I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat with a go...

Little Johnny

One day little Johnny was playing in the sandbox with his crush, Sally. As they are playing, Johnny let's out a little fart causing the smallest little puff of sand. Embarrassed, Johnny starts to apologize. Before he has the chance, Sally interupts him proclaiming "that was amazing, how did you do t...

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Two guys are in a locker room when one guy notices the other guy has a cork in his ass.

He says, "How'd you get a cork in your ass?"

The other guy says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over a lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a red man in a turban came oozing out. He said, 'I am Tonto, Indian Genie. I can grant you one wish."

And I said, "No shit."

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A 7 yr old and a 4 yr old are in their bedroom...

The 7 yr old looks at his brother and says, "I think it's time we start swearing"

The brother nods in agreement.

"When we go downstairs, I'll be the first to swear and then you swear" says the 7 yr old.

The two brothers go downstairs and the mother asks what they want for brea...

A Russian, a Cuban, an Englishman and a Pakistani are on a train.

The Russian takes out a bottle of his best vodka, drinks a bit and throws the rest off the train and says, "There's plenty more of that where I come from."

Everyone is impressed. The Cuban takes out one of the finest Havana cigars, takes one puff and throws it off the train and says, "There's...

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The three pigs.

The first pig, Straw Pig, looked out his front window of his straw house as a big, bad wolf appeared in his driveway. At the top of his lungs, the wolf yelled “LITTLE PIG, LITTLE PIG, LET ME IN OR I’LL HUFF AND PUFF AND BLOW YOUR HOUSE IN”. Straw pig wasn’t worried, so he gave the wolf the finger an...

TIL Dolphins deliberately get high on the nerve toxins of puffer fish by chewing on them and passing it around

Talk about ‘puff puff pass’, amirite?

Heard this at the laundromat today

This boy with a speech impediment goes treat-or-treating by himself, and decides to dress as a pirate. He knocks on the first door he sees and a grandmother answers the door.

The boy say's, "Brick-or-breat!", and shakes his empty bag at her.

"What? Oh, trick-or-treat!" she replies.
...

Mr. Pott was an average man, with an extraordinary skin condition

One day Mr. Pott (legend says his first name was Arthur) went to the doctor to get his skin checked out. He said "Doctor, I have a very odd skin condition. Multiple times a day, my skin will puff up and get all red almost instantly, with no warning."

The doctor thought this was very odd, and ...

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A Greek, a Jew, and an Irishman are accidentally killed by a bus.

An angel descends and tells them "Actually, there's been a mistake. It wasn't your time to die. We will let you come back to life, but you must promise to renounce your vices."

To the Irishman, the angel said, "Your vice is drinking too much. You can come back to life as long as you stop drin...

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In 1859, there was this German Chemist living in London, England.

One day he received a new batch of experimental powder from Columbia. Curious to find out what the substance was, he opened the package and it erupted in a puff of powder. After inhaling half the cloud the Chemist felt vibrant, energised and happy.

“I hast not seen ziss beefore”, thought t...

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Lizard is walking through the forest...

and he comes up to a large tree along the path. He looks up in the tree and sees Koala sitting on a branch smoking a joint.

"Heyoo Koala, do you mind if I climb up and try some?" Lizard asks.

"Not at all Lizard, my dude, come on up!" Koala wheezed while exhaling a ripe puff.

Liz...

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Two boys parents are throwing a party... [long]

and since it's all adults and they're only children nobody will pay attention to them. The two start talking,

"This is Boooorrringgg, I wanna go up to my room," says the older brother.

"Mom and Dad say we have to stay down here to help entertain the guests, this bites," replies the you...

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Dave and Fred

Toward the end of the golf course, Dave hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.

All of a sudden, in a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appea...

Little Johnny is goofing off in math class and Ms. McHeiney calls on him.

"Johnny, three birds are sitting on a fence, you shoot one of them how many are left." Johnny sits up straight and says "none, the bang would make the others fly away." Ms. McHeiney says, "well, the answer is two, but I like the way you're thinking."

Little Johnny says "OK, I have one for y...

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A boy sees his father smoking everyday (NSFW)

and one day ask for a puff, his father replied you can have one once your penis can touch your asshole. the boy went away.
days later after seeing his father drink beer, asked for a sip, his father said the same thing. the boy went away again.
years later he confronted his father asking a cig...

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A gent, badly in need of the toilet was on an international flight to Japan..

All of the bathrooms were engaged, bar for the ladies' loo in first class.

The stewardess, aware of his predicament suggested that he go ahead and use the ladies room, but warned him that this was a Japanese toilet and cautioned him against using any of the buttons on it.

Having ta...

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A drunk woman stumbles into a bar...

She sits down, and says to the bartender, "Beertender! Gimme a drooble martuni, and put a pickle in it."

The bartender, quite fluent in drunkese, pours her a double martini, drops in an olive, and slides it over to woman. She lights up a cigarette, slams the martini, and takes another drag ...

The Devil went to a small church...

The congregation at a die hard church was in full swing when with a stench of brimstone and puff of smoke the devil appeared! All them members ran from the church except one little old man in the first row who sat looking calmly at him.
The devil loomed over the old man and growled " Do you real...

An angel and a man

An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him, "Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift: you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth."
Reflecting on his life, the man says, "I'll ta...

One afternoon a man was out playing golf...

He is about to hit a difficult lie next to a pond. suddenly he hear "ribbit, 4 iron". He is alone, so has no clue who is talking. again "ribbit, 4 iron" He looks around and sees a frog looking at him. "ribbit, 4 iron" He says "well I think you are wrong, but what the hell. and hits the 4 iron...

tiny pianist

An oldie, but goodie:

A man walks into a bar and sees a 12 inch pianist playing the piano. He talks to the bartender and says, "That's amazing! Where did you find a 12 inch pianist?"

The bartender replies, "Oh, I have a genie in the back room who grants wishes. Give it a try if you w...

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A boy and his grandfather go fishing...

after a while, the grandfather reaches into his cooler and pulls out a beer. "What's that?" says the boy. "It's a beer, don't worry about it." Replies the grandfather, taking a sip and looking across the water. Curious, the boy asks, "Can I have one?" The grandfather thinks for a moment and says wit...

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An Irishman, a Greek, and a Jew die and stand at the gates of heaven

The keeper of the gates tells them "Well, you have all lived pretty decent lives, but you all fall victim to your respective stereotypes. So here's what's going to happen. You all will go back down to earth for 24 hours and you must avoid your weaknesses.
"Irishman, alcohol cannot touch your lips...

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Arianna Grande is on her way to a photoshoot...

in a plane. The plane crashes on a remote, deserted island. Everyone dies, except for Arianna and her male photographer.

At first they're scared shitless, but it turns out the island has lots of fruit and fresh water. Life isn't so bad. They soon realize that they're soul mates and they fall ...

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A guy moves out of the city to become a chicken farmer.

He buys a plot of property in the middle of nowhere, and walks to the nearest town to meet the local townspeople and see who's who for chicken farming. A local says, "Go see the farmer that-a-way", pointing towards the opposite side of town from where the man came. "He's a ways out there, but he's...

[Long] Three nuns die and...

are at the pearly gates. St Peter looks at them and says "You have been extremely devout Christians, but I need to ask 1 question from each of you before you can cross the pearly gates into heaven."

The first nun steps forward and Peter asks "Name the first man created by God." "Adam" says t...

The man, the Curator, and the Wax Museum.

A man walks into a wax museum. Inside finds a display of little wick people on a giant map of the United States. However, one of the people, a cowboy is placed in New York City. He calls the curator and asks why that one isn’t over in a place like Texas or Oklahoma.

“Oh, Ed doesn’t fit in ...

Four men were sitting together in a train.

A Mexican, a Swiss, a Cuban and an American (USA).

As they were talking, the Swiss man looked at his gold plated Rolex watch and realised it was dead. He promptly took it off then threw it out the window.

"Are you mad!?! That must have cost thousands of dollars!" said the other pa...

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"The dangers of smoking"

A man is standing outside in the "smoking zone" of an airport on a freezing cold January morning, smoking one last cigarette before his 16 hour, non-stop flight to Hong Kong for a business trip.

Another man walks up to him and says "do you have any idea how bad that is for you? Don't you know...

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A grandfather takes his grandson on a fishing trip.

It's about midday, and the grandfather reaches in the cooler and pulls out a beer. The boy looks over, excited, and says, "Well I say Grandpa! That looks pretty good! Can I have one?"

The Grandfather thinks for a moment and asks, "Can you make your dick touch your asshole?"

Bashful, an...

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A man goes to the doctor about his orange penis.

A man goes to the doctor and says "Doctor I've got an orange penis please help!"
The doctor says "OK lets have a look.. oh my yes you do have an orange penis.. OK well whats been happening? What's new?"
The man replies "Well, not much"
The doctor continues "Well you have an orange penis for...

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Little Johnny is spending the weekend at his grandparents house

He is following his grandfather around. His grandfather gets on a big tractor to mow the lawn.

Fascinated, Johnny says, "Wow! Can i try to drive it?"

His granddad replies, "can the tip of your penis touch your asshole?"

Johnny, shocked, says "No..."

"Then you're not old e...

A computer programmer was sitting at home with his wife.

He takes a cigarette out of his pocket, lights it, and takes a puff.
His wife looks at him angrily and says,
"You really need to stop doing that. Can't you see the warning on the box? It says 'hazardous to health!'"
The programmer takes another puff of his cigarette and says,
"I'...

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God sends Jesus back to life to see how his people are living...

Jesus wandered into a first house where a family was having dinner. They politely asked him to sit down and asked his name. Jesus said that he is Jesus and he came back to see how things are going around here. Family was of course confused and kicked him out thinking he is a lunatic.

So Jesus...

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I took my grandson camping

On the drive to the camp spot, I lit up a cigar. He looks at me and asks "Can I try a puff?" I replied "Well, let me ask you something, can your dick touch your asshole?" He shook his head. "Then ya ain't old enough.

During camp setup I cracked open a beer. He asks if he can have one too. "We...

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Jesus decided to come down on earth after 2000 years

And wanted to save people. He saw an old lady, looking rather devoted religious type, long coat, veggie cart etc. He walked up to her and said "Hi, I'm Jesus and I'm here to save you". She started hitting him with her bag, shouting "Get lost you heretic!". Sad Jesus continued his soul saving quest.<...

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A traveling salesman walks up to the front door of a house...

...When he rings the doorbell, the door is answered by an eight year old boy carrying a beer in one hand, a Hustler magazine in the other and a huge cigar in his mouth.

The salesman, a bit surprised, says, "Hello, little boy, are your parents home?"

The boy takes a puff of the cig...

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Three men are lost in the middle of the nevada desert.

One is a black man. One is a white man. And the last is a Mexican man.

One day, the three men stumble across a small bottle. One of them rubs it and poof! Out pops a genie as they tend to do.

The genie looks at the men and says to them, "Normally, I would grant whoever freed me three ...

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Yet another Genie joke...

A fellow is walking along the beach, in a really foul mood. He sees something shiny sticking out of the sand, and he hauls off and delivers a mighty kick.

It's a genie's bottle, and it goes tumbling across the sand. The cork pops out, and what appears is one very pissed off genie.

...

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A man was pissed off at his boss.

He decided to go for a walk to calm down. As the man was walking along, he accidentally kicked a lamp. A genie appeared from the lamp and said "I am the genie of the lamp. I shall grant you three wishes, but be warned, the person you hate the most, your boss, will receive twice as much of whatever y...

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Two parents want to have some intimacy

Two parents want to have some intimacy for some good old in-out in-out, so they ask their son to go on the balcony and tell them what he sees, just to distract him so he doesn't come peeping in the room. While they're doing this, they have sex. Once in a while they shout to their son in the next roo...

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A kid goes up to his Grandfather...

...&amp;amp;amp; says "Hey Gramps, can I take a puff of you're cigar?"

"Well young man, does your penis touch your asscheeks?" He replies

"Well no, why?"

"Well, then I'll have to say no."

A few days go by &amp;amp;amp; the kid see's his Grandfather with a glass of...

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The origins of the ornamental angel atop the Christmas tree

It's almost New Year's Eve and Santa is getting ready to get to work and bring presents to everyone that has been good this year. So there he is at home, taking a shower and preparing for the big night. Opening his closet, he sifts through his clothes and finds his favorite red coat and trousers, bu...

A Small Man Goes to Oregon to become a Lumberjack

The Small Man walks up to the Foreman and says, "I want a Job as a Lumberjack"

The Foreman says, "How big are you?"

Small Man "Five Foot-Four Inches and 90 pounds"

Foreman "No chance; you are far too small to be a Lumberjack on my Crew"

Small man replies "But I'm the best...

Jerry sat proudly on his hazey steed

"Look at this!" He said, "I gave my horse a few puffs of the good herb, and he still managed to climb this towering mountain!"

"Get off your high horse, Jerry." I replied.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Priest and a Nun go golfing...

...They reach the first teebox and decide the Nun shall go first. She sets up her ball and then proceeds to pray

"Oh Father, we thank for this wonderful game of golf and this beautifull day that we can come together and play golf for you glory. I ask for you blessing with this drive. Father,...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The 5 Minute Management Course

The 5 Minute Management Course

Lesson 1: A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The
wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour. Before she say...

A cheerio walks into his boss's office...

And he says to his boss, “Boss, I want to be more delicious than a plain old Cheerio.” The boss shuffles his papers around a bit, and replies. “Okay, I tell you what. If you go out and work for a year, I’ll upgrade you to a Honey Nut Cheerio.” The Cheerio thinks on it, and quickly agrees. He goes ou...