Tobacco Jokes - 65 Hilarious Tobacco Jokes

What does a woman and a can of chewing tobacco have in common?

You use two fingers if it’s yours and three if it’s your buddy’s.

Tobacco companies kill their best customers

And condom companies kill their future customers.

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The ol' captain of the ship smoked the best tobacco...

All sailors knew, that the captains' pipe was always the best, no matter who and when decided to contest him with a tobacco from the farthest corners of the mother earth. One young sailor decided to swallow his pride, stop competing and asked for advice:

\- Dear captain, we all know that your...

Alcohol, tobacco and firearms

That shouldn't be the name for a government agency, that should be the theme of a store.

OC (I hope) Did you hear about the guy who died chewing tobacco?

He had diphtheria.

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Will I Live to see 80?

Will I Live to see 80?

Here's something to think about.

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, He
said I was doing fairly well for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think ...

I want to open a Christian tobacco store.

I'm going to call it Holy Smokes.

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A priest takes the bus

After a while, a drunkard sits next to him. The drunkard pulls out a newspaper, starts to read and turns to the priest.

Drunkard: "Excuse me father. What's spondylosis ?"

Priest: "Spondylosis is a disease caused by a messy lifestyle, the company of women with a questionable past, c...

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The Cigars and the Tampons

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles, looking at many things. After some time passes, the sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.

He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few ...

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Buddy told me chewing tobacco gave him the poops...

What a dip shit!

My best friend tried to hide his drug dealing through a fake tobacco company and glass manufacturer.

It was all just smoke and mirrors.

If I ever ran a tobacco company...

... I'd name my cigarettes "heretics". So anyone could burn his own heretic every single day.

Three rough-looking bikers stomp into a truck stop.

They see a grizzled old-timer having breakfast.

One of the bikers extinguishes his cigarette in the old guy’s pancakes. The second biker spits a wad of chewing tobacco into his coffee. The third biker dumps the whole plate onto the floor.

Without a word of protest, the old guy pays his...

What do you call a group of California Highway Patrolmen with chewing tobacco?

CHiPs and dip.

Goodwill has announced they will no longer accept donations of vape or tobacco products

Clothes, but no cigar.

Police nearly apprehended a drug dealer selling cocaine in a tobacco store.

They were close, but no cigar.

What do you call a train that has a tobacco addiction?

A chew-chew train.

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A man went into a tobacco store

to buy a large cigar. After buying it, he immediately started smoking it inside the store, which annoyed the store owner.

-Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to step outside if you're going to smoke that.

-Isn't this a tobacco store that sells cigars?

-Yes, but...

-Then I ...

What do you call it when you sneeze with a dip (tobacco) in?

An ah chew.

Came up with that myself hope you enjoy.

A man goes in a tobacco shop...

and asks for a packet of cigarettes. The owner gives him one with the following warning label:
"Smoking causes erectile dysfunction".
So the man says:
"Whaaaat!!! Take that back and give me one with lung cancer! "

I just found out The Spice Girls were paid off by the tobacco industry to hide subliminal pro-smoking messages in their songs.

I couldn’t believe it, so I put on one of their records, and it made me really really really want a cig or cigar.

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An elderly lady visits her late husband’s grave

An elderly lady visits her late husband’s grave. As she approaches the grave, she takes a cigarette out of her purse, and puts it on the gravestone. She says: “I’ve come to visit you, and brought a cigarette for you!” “I also have your favorite brand of tobacco with me.” She says, as she takes tobac...

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This blokes wife was going down to the shops, so she asked her husband if he'd like anything

"Yeah, a packet of smokes", he replied.

The wife came back and chucked him tobacco & papers to make rollies. He didn't want to start an argument, so he just thought, "Stupid Bitch", and smoked them.

The next week the wife was going down to the shops and she asked him again if he wa...

I once knew a rapper who used cannabis infused citrus as chewing tobacco

He spat some dope limes

I was helping my apiarist friend smoke her bees…

… they’re not as good as tobacco, but I love the aftertaste.

Two guys left the bar after a long night of drinking, jumped in the car and started it up. After a couple of minutes, an old man appeared in the passenger window and tapped lightly. The passenger screamed, "Look at the window. There's an old ghost's face there!"

The driver sped up, but the old man's face stayed in the window. The passenger rolled his window down part way and, scared out of his wits, said, "What do you want?" The old man softly replied, "You got any tobacco?" The passenger handed the old man a cigarette and yelled, "Step on it," to the drive...

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The week in jail

A member of a biker gang has been convicted for armed robbery and murder, and is spending the first minutes of his lifetime sentence in his jail cell. Even though he is an extremely tough guy, not afraid of anything or anyone, he is having quite some difficulty controlling his tears when all of a su...

A woman goes to a new dentist for the first time.

When she sees his name on the diploma, she thinks she must've gone to high school with this guy. Then she sees him and thinks it couldn't possibly be the same guy. This overweight, balding guy with wrinkles on his face and tobacco stains down the front of his shirt. But she sits in the big chair and...

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A boy returns home from running an errand for his quarantined grandfather.

He says, "Grandpa, I got all the groceries you wanted! All together, it came to $47.22. Here's your change."

Grandpa says, "My goodness, the world is expensive nowadays. When I was a boy your age, I could get five pounds of potatoes, three loaves of bread, two pounds of beef, a jug of milk, a...

A man is laying carpet at a woman's house and it's a long, hot job.

He finally finishes and reaches into his shirt pocket for a pack of cigarettes and they are not there.

He glances at a small lump out of the carpet I realize they slipped out of his pocket. Bam! Bam! Bam! He flattens them till it looks great, there is no way he's going to take up all that car...

The detective picks up a scent of Cuban tobacco on the victim’s body.

From this, he deduces that the killer was a smoker. He also discovers a crumpled up sheet of paper that has an address scribbled out on it. This leads him to the doorsteps of an old apartment. The detective readies his gun and barges in, eager to find a clue that ties the house to the suspect. But o...

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So an tiger was smoking in the forest...

... a rat happened past and started laying into him: "We live in such a beautiful forest; you are such a majestic and beautiful creature, why the hell are you killing yourself like this. Come with me and I'll show you sights to live for!"

Intrigued the tiger drops his cigarette and follows th...

One fall, a farmer is cutting firewood

He spends all day cutting logs and splitting them and stacking them, and as he's winding down for the day he sees an elderly Indian watching him silently from over the fence. So he goes over and says "How?" and the Indian says "How. Gottum smoke?" and the farmer hands over a pouch of tobacco, and th...

A better version of a joke I just read

I asked a French girl if she smoked, would she prefer marijuana or tobacco?

She said..... ouied

A kid is walking down the street looking slightly guilty, but mostly sick...

His mouth looks full of something. A guy sees him and walks up to him.
The guy says, “Hey kid, you don’t look too good. Did you get your hands on some chewing tobacco?”
The kid says, “No. I stole one of my mom’s sugar-free chocolate bars.”

Way too much time on my hands so I decided to make a bong out of a pineapple and paper towel tube. Didn't want to leave the house, so tried to smoke oregano, but found it really hurt my throat. Tried black pepper, but it just made me sneeze...

Moved on to some ground ginger, but the smoke made my eyes water.

Went on the internet where it says banana peels can be smoked, but couldn't get them dry enough to combust.

Checked under the sofa cushion, found an old bent up cigarette, placed it in the bowl, took a deep hit and real...

How do you tell a redneck is married?

There are tobacco spits on either side of his pickup truck.

A winery is looking for a taster and so the vintner puts an ad out in the paper.

The next day, a man arrives at the office. He has greasy hair and a five o'clock shadow, he's wearing a filthy jacket and torn jeans, he obviously hasn't had a shower since Christ was crucified, and he smells strongly of stale tobacco smoke and cheap beer. The vintner sees the man's obviously a ho...

Why aren't cowboys circumcised?

So they have a place to put their chewing tobacco when they're eating.

Son: When I grow up I want to be like Christopher Columbus.

Dad: An explorer? That’s great, son.

Son: No, I want to get lost, spread diseases, steal tobacco and still be celebrated.

Earl and Bubba

Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat on the river, fishing, chewing tobacco and drinking beer when suddenly Bubba says, "Think I'm gonna divorce the wife - she ain't spoke to me in over 2 months."

Earl spits overboard, takes a long, slow sip of beer and says, "Better think it over......

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Another Russian joke I love :)

*To understand the joke you need to be familiar a bit with the "pioneer movement" that was is Soviet Russia, essentially it's a organization for children formed by a communist party where they wear read scarfs, walk around with a drum, and are raised to epitomize civility.*

An elderly woman i...

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Do not read this [OC] joke.

...I was in some South Dakotan ‘mountains’ ...or ‘rolling hills’ as the rest of the world would call them. It was just a fun journey to burn an afternoon and prep my legs for a trip with my friends to Yosemite. (I would actually go on to propose to my girlfriend at the top of Yosemite Falls, and we’...

Two cowboys were in an old west bar getting drunk

There’s a spittoon that everyone has been using throughout the night to spit their chewing tobacco into. One cowboy challenges the other one to swallow a mouthful from the spittoon for $100.

The other cowboy agrees and tilts the spittoon to his lips. He takes a big gulp as everyone starts t...

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A 30 year old guy goes to the doctor for a check up

After running some labs and checking vitals, the doctor asks the patient some questions.

Doctor: How often do you drink?

Patient: I've never touched the stuff.

Doctor: What about tobacco use?

Patient: Never tried it. Never will.

Doctor: Do you use any recreation...

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Little Johnny goes fishing

Little Johnny goes fishing with his grandfather out on the lake. While they're fishing, grampa pulls out a tin of chewing tobacco and takes a dip.

"Grampa, can I try that?"

Grampa thinks for a minute, then says "Does your dick reach your asshole?"

"No sir...."

"Then you a...

A new bartender is working the saloon in Dodge City

When a cowboy burst through the doors from the street shouting, "Look out everybody, Big Bill Johnson is coming to town!"

The saloon burst into a panicked commotion as everyone scrambled for the door. In the rush, the bartender is knocked down and passes out.

When he came to, he heard...

Apparently Bill Clinton is so

sure that Hillary is going to win that he stopped at the tobacco store and bought a box of cigars. He has interviews scheduled for his new interns all day.

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A guy dies and suddenly finds himself in Hell...

He trepidatiously follows the crowd towards the Gates of Hell. He finds a demon holding a piece of cardboard with his name on it.

"Craig?," asks the demon as the man approaches.

"Y... yes," answers Craig, unsure of how to handle the situation.

"Hi. I'm Ed. I know what you're thi...

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A doctor joke

(You May only get if you understand the nature of the different medical specialties)

A surgeon, internist, radiologist, and pathologist go duck hunting for the first time.

They are huddled in the duck blind and the first bird goes flying in front of them, but they can’t clearly make o...

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The Toothbrush Salemen

Three guys begin work at a toothbrush company as salesmen. Each day, two of the guys sell twenty toothbrushes each, and the third guy consistently sells two hundred. The other two guys are jealous, but they can't figure out his secret. Then, one day, they run into him at the mall, where he's set up ...

How can you tell if a good ole boy from North Carolina is married?

There are tobacco spit stains on BOTH the doors of his truck.

A man walks into the doctor's office...

Doctor: "Thanks for meeting with me, James. I've run some tests and it's not looking good."

James: "Oh."

Doctor: "You're on a path of self-destruction. The constant alcohol and tobacco abuse has taken a serious toll on your health. You *need* to cut back or your lifespan will be greatl...

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Quitting isn't easy.

Watson being a doctor and knowing all well how deadly tobacco is, tried to convince Sherlock to quit smocking, but all attempts to persuade the detective were useless. He stubbornly kept puffing the pipe. Watson was ready to give up, when one day he had an idea. Sticking the stem up the butt would c...

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A boy and his grandaddy

A boy and his granddaddy are fishing when the boy sees his granddaddy pull out a bag of chewing tobacco.

The boy says “granddaddy I think I’d like to try some of that chew.”

The granddaddy says “son is your dick long enough to reach your asshole?”

The boy thinks an minute and ...

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A dad and his son go fishing

The dad pulls out a flask and starts to drink. "Can I have some?" Says his son. "Can your dick touch your asshole?" Replied the dad "no" the son said, sadly "then you can't have any whiskey" the dad then pulls out a pack of cigarettes. "Can I have one?" The son said again "can you dick touch your as...

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Theodore Roosevelt and William McKinley were walking down Pennsylvania Avenue

Theodore Roosevelt and William McKinley were walking down Pennsylvania Avenue. As they passed the intersection with 15th street NW, they came across a man dressed as a massive phallus smoking a cigarette.

Roosevelt, being opposed to the use of tobacco products, stopped the man and said "Son, ...

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A man moves to a new neighborhood

A man moves to a new neighborhood and is getting all of his stuff moved in when the doorbell rings. He answers the door to find a big, burly guy chewing tobacco wearing a greasy tank top. "Welcome to the neighborhood!" The visitor says and shakes the mans hand. "Say, later I am having a party and si...

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A boy and his grandfather are fishing

The grandfather pulls out a flask and takes a swig. His grandson asks "Can I have a sip?"
"Can your dick touch your asshole?" replies the old man.
"No" says the boy.
"Then you're too young for whiskey"
A little while passes and the grandfather pulls out a cigarette and lights up.
"...

On a crisp Fall morning a farmer went out to cut firewood for the winter.

He cut, split and stacked for six hours and then, just as he was getting done for the day, he saw an elderly Indian by the fence. He went to say hello and the Indian said "How. You have-um smoke?", so the farmer handed over his tobacco pouch and the Indian helped himself to a pipeful, lit up, inhale...

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Three businessmen and a lawyer on a train...

There were three businessmen and one lawyer in a train car together. One businessman was from Russia, and one was from Cuba. The other businessman and the lawyer were from the USA.

They were having a fine conversation, enjoying their trip. At one point, the Cuban businessman opened his bag, p...

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Grand dad and grand son go on a fishing trip.[Long]

A grand dad is taking his 6 year old grand son on a fishing trip for the day. Before they go out the grand mom packs the grand son a lunch and some snacks while the grand dad packs his own lunch and beers then they leave.

After an hour on the boat the grand dad opens a beer and begins to rel...

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A man, a dog, a bears nuts.

One night Mr jones had terrible trouble getting to sleep due to loud banging noises and scuffling coming from his roof. In the morning he ventured outside, looked up and saw that a very large, very angry looking bear had climbed onto his roof and was wandering around growling and battering at the c...

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Fishing with granddad.

An old Irish granddad takes his little grandson fishing one day. While sitting in the boat for almost an hour, the granddad pulls out a flask of whiskey. Hey takes a few sips then proceeds to put it back into his jacket pocket. As he motions to put the flask away, the little grandson asks,
...

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College Football Jokes - Enjoy!

Don't know where they came from, but they are worth a chuckle or two.

> Ohio State's
> Urban Meyer on one of his players: "He doesn't know
> the meaning of the word
> fear. In fact, I just saw his grades and he doesn't know
> the meaning of a lot of
> words...

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