UPJOKE
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My neighbor uses a wood stove, but lately he's had the flu and been too sick to chop his own wood. Do you think it would be a nice gesture to go chop some firewood for him?

Axeing for a friend.

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution….

“You don't want to try these techniques at home.”

“Why not?" asked somebody from the audience.

“I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She would make lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at...

Bill wakes up with a huge hangover.

He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.

He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.

Bill looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, and clea...

My wife asked me why I was yelling at the pot of water on the stove.

I said, water boils ~~faster~~ hotter under pressure.

A parachutist jumps from a plane...

And after a few seconds he starts to panic because the ripcord isn't working as he continues to plummet to earth. Suddenly, he sees a dude going from the ground up and yells, "Hey, do you know anything about parachutes?" The other guy yells back, "No, do you know anything about gas stoves?"

My wife was in the kitchen wearing only the t-shirt she slept in...

... preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "You've got to make love to me right now! Right here!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!"
...

Little boy asks Mommy.

Little boy comes down for breakfast before school and sits down at the kitchen table.

Mom is at the stove making breakfast. Little boy asks, “Mommy? Were you sick last night?”

Mom answers, turning her head looking at her little son, “No, why do you ask that?”

Little boy says, “B...

A man was doing some DIY work on his gas stove

When it all of a sudden blew up and sent him flying through his roof and up into the sky.

On his way up he passed a man falling down from the sky and asked him: “Hey, you know anything about gas stoves?”

The guy falling responded, “Nope, you know anything about parachutes?”

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This is long and I'm not sure if it's worth reading.

Two guys were sitting in a bar. One said: ‘Did you hear the
news – Mike is dead?’
‘How?’ gasped the other. ‘What happened to him?’
‘Well, he was on his way over to my house the other day and
when he pulled up outside, he didn’t brake properly and – bang
– he hit the pavement...

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An old joke

A woman resists giving her husband a BJ despite his relentless pleas. When she shares her disdain for oral her friend tells her about her newest discovery: a BJ frog. The wife purchases one of the frogs, brings it home and convinces her husband to try it out. She retires to the bedroom upstairs leav...

If you want to open a store, I'd recommend selling stoves

Because you'll immediately offer a range of hot products.

People: Why does iPhone 11 camera looks like a stove?

Me: Because Tim Cook

An older man is at a routine doctors appointment

Everything checks out, and he appears to be in good health.

At the end of the appointment, the doctor asks him if “he had any questions?”

The old man replies “no, I’m okay, but I am concerned about my wife; I don’t think her hearing is what it used to be.”

“That happens with ag...

The stove repairman said it'll finish between 9am and 5pm

That's a large range

Son, why don't you play circus?

"It is great fun. First you make a sawdust ring."

"Where'll I get the sawdust, Dad?"

"Here's the saw. Just saw some of that cordwood into stove lengths. You can have all the sawdust you make."



Source: 1913 newspaper

A hot stove has something familiar to it

but I can’t put my finger on it

A man walks into his kitchen and sees an Old Priest

The man greeted the priest and said "Good morning, Father. May I know what you are doing in my kitchen?"

The priest replied "Good morning, child. Forgive me for not asking first, but I need to use your stove in order to quickly make holy water for this morning's baptism."

Intrigued by ...

Back when I was married, I found some match sticks left by the stove, where apparently the gas burner hasn't been igniting...

...so I wrote my wife's name on one of the matches there. Later, when she saw the writing and picked it up, she looked at me and asked what it meant.

I looked her straight in the eye, and said: "It means.. .that you've finally met your match."

What's the difference between a stove and a Jet?

A stove needs a pilot light while a jet needs a light pilot.

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I lost my dishwasher, washingmashine, dryer, iron, stove, and vacumcleaner today.

Her funeral will be this saturday.

A hotel in Soviet Russia

And, as usual, since there isn't enough space available (ok, the other rooms are in even worse condition and the stoves ain't working, but I didn't tell you that) three men have to share a room. Two of them start drinking vodka and telling political jokes, laughing and joking all night while the thi...

What does Will Smith say when he touches a hot stove

Ahhhh that's hot

What do you call a Goldfish cracker cooked on a stove?

A gilled cheese

I rewrote Hansel & Gretel but changed the oven to a mobile stove.

The title is now Hansel & Griddle.

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There was once a woman who had a hundred children

She was a bit of an eccentric - you'd have to be to have a hundred kids after all. And so, she decided to give her children names after the order they were born in. So she had one, two, three, four, all the way through to hundred.

Her husband was eventually unable to keep up with the pressur...

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I burned my hand on the stove.

On the bright side, now I have a black girlfriend.

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I believe it's a true story... who knows?

Someone told me this joke many years ago. They say it was an English couple in Algarve (Portugal) but I believe this can be a joke (Btw, English not my main language...)

A man and woman enter an hospital. The man has blood on his dick and the wife has a burn on her face and back.

The d...

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One day a little boy over heard his parents in the bedrooom arguing,"You bitch, your cunt is too hairy!

Well your dick is to small bastard!"The boy was curious about these new words so he went in the room and asked what they meant. The startled parents did their best to get out of the situation, "You see son, bitch and bastard are what adults call each other sometimes and dick and cunt is a nickname w...

It's my cake day, so I wanna share my favorite joke :-)

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's party. He is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

He forced himself to ...

Don't leave alphabet soup cooking on the stove unattended.

It could spell disaster.

I burnt my hand on a round stove plate.

It was 360 degrees.

A parachutist is plummeting to Earth

Because her ripcord malfunctioned.

As she frantically pulls at the defective cord, she passes a man atop a stove traveling the opposite way.

She yells out to him, “Hey, do you know how to fix a parachute!?”

He replies back “No! Do you know anything about repairing gas lines??”

A man walked into the ER with severe burns and blisters to both sides of his face.

He was quickly admitted. The attending physician asked him, “how on earth did you burn your face so badly?”

The man reluctantly began his explanation. “It’s actually kind of embarrassing doc. See my wife is out of town this week, and so I’m having to do my own cooking...”

“Ah, I see...

Never been sure what breed my dog is

She’s kind of squatty with floppy ears. When we have supper she begs for our plates and bowls to lick then naps in the den.

Unless we have chili. Then she stays by the stove guarding the pot of chili.

Pretty sure she’s a chili dog.

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A child is playing whist his mother is cooking, she says "I have some friends coming over for dinner, so be good"

"What's a friend?" Says the child as the mother burns herself "bastard" she hisses.

She turns off the stove and says "don't touch the food on table, it's not for you"

"What's food?" Says the child as the mother knocks a saucepan onto the floor "shit" she says as she bends over to pick ...

A Mexican lying on his death bed

The sick Mexican was lying on his death bed. He had only hours to live when suddenly he smelled tamales. He loved tamales more than anything else in the world, especially his wife's tamales.
With every last bit of energy left in his body, the sick Mexican pulled himself out of bed, across the fl...

Poor old Paddy had died. (NSFW)

Paddy had dropped over from a heart attack! After the funeral, one of his widow's friends dropped by to see how she was holding up. The mostly sat in the parlor and chatted, but the smell of something cooking aroused the friend's curiosity, so she wandered over to the stove and lifted the lid on t...

A mathematician and a physicist were arguing over whose field of study was better.

A mathematician and a physicist were arguing over whose field of study was better. They decided to settle the argument by posing questions. The mathematician went first, and posed a complicated mathematical problem. With a great deal of effort, several books of mathematical tables and techniques,...

A fighter pilot finishes refueling from a refueling plane.

The fighter pilot, feeling superior, gets on the radio and tells the refueling pilot to watch this. The fighter pilot goes through an array of aerial acrobatics. Tight twists, loops, and s-curves. He gets back on the radio and tells the refueling pilot he must be jealous cause his plane cant do that...

An old couple talks to their doctor about their memory loss. The doctor suggests that they write things down so they don't forget.

One day, both of them are sitting on the couch when Grandma asks for a bowl of ice cream.

"Coming right up," Gramps says, slowly getting onto his feet and heading towards the kitchen.

"Aren't you going to write that down?"

"Write that down? Of course not. I can remember a bowl o...

A blonde mom is cooking dinner when her blonde daughter walks in

The daughter asks, "Mom, why do people think we blondes are stupid?"

Her mother replies, "I'll show you", and taps hard on the kitchen counter.

Somewhat confused, the blonde daughter says, "Someone's at the door!".

The blonde mother laughs. "This is why people think we're stupid...

I grabbed the chips out of the pantry

and looked through the fridge for some dip.

It wasn't where I thought it should be.

I glanced in askance towards my wife who was warming up noodles on the stove.

Next to her on the counter, a visibly empty jar.

Aghast, I shouted: "That was NACHO CHEESE!"

An engineer, a psychologist, and a theologian were hunting in the wilderness of northern Canada.

An engineer, a psychologist, and a theologian were hunting in the wilderness of northern Canada.

Suddenly, the temperature dropped and a furious snowstorm was upon them. They came across an isolated cabin, far removed from any town. The hunters had heard that the locals in the area were quite...

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A boy and his father are playing catch

A boy and his father were playing catch in the front yard when the
boy saw a honey bee. He ran over and stomped it.


"That was a honey bee," his father said,"one of our friends, and for
stomping him you will do without honey for a week."


Later the boy saw a butterfly so ...

Old farmer Joe is checking on his chickens

He notices that one of his chickens, Betty, is producing more eggs than any other chicken on the farm. What’s even more interesting is that they all look identical: same little freckle on the top, same patterns, even exactly the same colour! “This really is unusual,” he exclaims, and decides to inve...

[NSFW] Two women are discussing about their husbands...

Woman 1- It's been such an awfull week, first I burned my hand on the stove and then I found out my husband is 100% impotent.

Woman 2- What do you mean by 100% ?

Woman 1- Well... His dong isn't working anymore.

Woman 2- Relax, my husband is 300% impotent, you're doing fine.
<...

Three brothers eating soup

A mom has three sons and she's making them soup, While she's not looking a cupboard above the stove opens and a box of beebee's falls in the soup. She keeps cooking, serves them lunch and they go back outside to play. Ten minutes later the first boy comes in and says 'Mommy I was peeing and a beebee...

On his deathbed, the old man ...

... could smell his wife's fresh chocolate chip cookies from the kitchen. He decided to venture out of bed for one last bite of his favourite cookie before he died. He toppled out of bed and dragged himself to the stairs and managed to make his way down to the kitchen. Sure enough, there was a batch...

My buddy finds me in the kitchen late at night.

I'm standing over the stove stirring a pot of boiling water. Steam is just going everywhere.

My buddy asks me: "What are you doing?"

I reply: "I'm making holy water."

My buddy stares at me and points at the pot. "How is that making holy water?"

"I'm boiling the hell out o...

Pyromaniac

A pyromaniac teenager decides to burn his family's house down. The cops approach his parents and say, "Looks like someone left the stove on."




"Oh, no," They replied, "it was arson."

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Twas a slow and quiet day in the little Irish parish

so Father Oriley decided to go for a stroll
down by docks. He ran into Patrick, the local firsherman who just about to head off in his boat.


Patrick offered to take the Father out fishing for the afternoon since he was bored so they headed off.
About an hour of fishing later the pri...

Moms being Moms

*Issac Newton's mother--* "But did you wash the apple before eating it?"

*Archimedes's mother--* "Didn't you have any shame running naked in the street from? And, WHO is this girl Eureka???”

*Thomas Edison's mother--* Of course I am proud that you invented the electric bulb. Now tu...

A starving man traveling the country goes door-to-door begging for his breakfast meal.

One lady opens her door to the man and he says, “please I am starving, I have nothing but some rocks in my pocket. If you let me eat some eggs, I’ll show you eating my rocks!”

The lady lets the man in and gives him some eggs. The man then asks for a pan to lay the eggs. Then he asks for oil t...

Why do women wear white on their wedding day?

So the dishwasher matches the stove.

Lifter legs and poker

Just three parts of a wood stove, you dirty dog you!

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Tarzan swang back into the tree house after a day in the jungle

He sees Jane in the kitchen with a couple of pot in the stove.
Tarzan: what's for dinner
Jane : Look in the pots
Tarzan opens the first and it's a pot full of monkey pieces. He open the second and it's full of little birds cooking.
Tarzan: oh no not finch and chimps again.

How to make holy water in two easy steps

1) Take a pan of water and set it on the stove

2) Boil the hell out of it

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Pansexual?

Well, I'm not really attracted to pans, but I do think the stove's hot.

Deer Season

Seven guys have been going to the same deer camp for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Kevin's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

Kevin's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do?

Two days later the six get to the camping site o...

I have never seen my all time favorite joke here, so I will submit relatively original content, enjoy!

There was a newspaper in a very small Midwestern farming town, comes out once a week with local news like the new library books, or the preachers sermon, and school fundraisers. One day the editor calls the reporter in and says, "I don't know what to do about the next issue. There isn't a damn thin...

Today I saw a letter in the kitchen from my girlfriend.

"Morning honey! I left your food on the stove. All you have to do is light the match, I started the gas when I left. Love you!"

My comeback against my kid today

Me: *picks up a toy burger from his toy stove while he is cheerfully playing*

Him: Put it back or I'll tell the cops.

Me: Pretty sure they won't bother over some patty crime.

What is your favorite joke about women?

Q: Why don't women wear watches?

A: Because there is a clock on the stove.

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A man asks his friend what he got his wife for Christmas.

There's two friends, "person 1" and "person 2" at a bar, and person 1 asks the person 2 , "What did you get your wife for Christmas?"

Person 2 replied by saying, "A car and a diamond necklace."

Person 1 says, "Well why did you get her both?"

Person 2 said, "Well if she doesn't...

An Innuit is out fishing in his canoe one day, feeling fairly miserable because he's cold and he hasn't caught anything...

Suddenly, he hits upon the idea of lighting a camping stove in the bottom of the boat so that he can stay warm, and cook his catch at the same time. However, before too long, the canoe hits a large wave, causing the stove to tip over and start a fire in the canoe. Not wishing to get burned, the Innu...

Why do you never buy a woman a watch?

Because there's a clock on the stove.

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A new Supermarket opened near me.....

A new supermarket opened near my house.

It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh.

And, just before the mister turns on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and experience the ...

A skydiver's parachute failed to open.

So he immediately pulled the ripcord of his reserve chute, and that failed to open as well.

As he was falling to the earth, he came across a guy that was flying up from the ground. So the skydiver that was going down yelled to the guy that was going up, "Hey, do you know anything about parac...

The Three-Legged Pig

An insurance salesman decides to make one last cold call on his country route and winds up way in the back country at the end of a dirt road. He drives up to the farm, gets out of the car with his briefcase, and walks up to the door. On his way, he glances at the fenced in area attached to the bar...

Coffee drinking trio

3 friends are bragging about their coffee drinking habits.

1st: I take it dark, thick and black. It's so strong, the spoon stands upright in my cup when I stir it.

2nd: big deal, at least you use a cup. I pour it directly from the kettle into my mouth.

3rd: yeah? We'll I don't ...

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A man is about to have surgery on his penis...

... As the surgeon walks in, he takes a look at the mans penis and yells out, "JESUS CHRIST, MAN!! What the hell happened to you?!?"

Guy on the table says to him, "it's a long story."

"Well we've got some time before the anesthesiologist arrives, so you can lay it on me if you want" ...

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Farmer and his sheep

A farmer walks into the kitchen with a sheep under his arm and sees his wife standing at the stove. He says “hey this is the pig I’ve been fucking when you’re not around.” The wife says “you idiot that’s not a pig it’s a sheep.” Farmer says “ No, I was talking to the sheep.”

Red Neck Computer Dictionary

* LOG ON: Makin’ a woodstove hot.
* LOG OFF: Don’t add no more wood.
* MONITOR: Keepin’ an eye on the wood stove.
* DOWNLOAD: Gittin’ the farwood off the truck.
* MEGA HERTZ: When you’re not keerfull gittin’ the farwood.
* FLOPPY DISC: Whutcha git from trying to tote too much far...

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Anything can happen at a ska show

A few weeks ago, my band was opening for a slightly more famous band at a moderately large local venue. This was one of the biggest gigs we'd had yet, and so I was seriously stressing about it beforehand, even though our sax player kept telling me not to. "Relax, you've been playing keyboards all yo...

Turned you on

Yesterday I saw a sign above a stove and it was written
"Please turn me off! How would you feel if somebody turned you on and then left?"

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A man talks to the priest about the death of his friend

In the confessional, a man comes down and says:

- Father, did you know that Wilson died?

- How sad, son ... But what happened to him?

- He was driving his car near my house at full speed, the brakes failed and the car crashed into a pole. Wilson was launched through the windscre...

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There's this young lady looking for a place to stay.

There's this young lady looking for a place to stay. She doesn't know anyone in town so she's browsing the small ads.

All the rooms for rent are way out of her league. She's just a young student and she doesn't have that kind of money. Finally she sees an advert for a room that she thinks she...

A boy went to visit his grandfather that lived deep in the mountains... [long]

He hadn't seen his grandfather in quite some time, not since his grandmother's funeral a few years back at least. So, deciding that it would do their son well to visit the old man for the summer, his parents packed him up and sent him to go stay with the old man for the summer.


So, upon h...

A long time ago, a spanish civilization was extremely advanced in technology.

In fact, their technology was so advanced in their current time period that they were thought to be using magic. While others built their shelters out of sticks, they built their shelters out of adobe bricks. While others cooked with fire pits, they cooked with electric stoves. While others fought w...

My wife asked for a watch for her birthday

I told her the stove already has one

Blonde Breakfast Dilemma

A man watches as his blonde girlfriend comes downstairs to make breakfast.

At first she attempts to lift the stove, struggles, and sighs.

Next she tries lifting the microwave, again to no avail. Finally she lifts the toaster and smiles, makes toast and eats her breakfast.

This...

Math Joke

23. There were two men trying to decide what to do for a living.  They went to
see a counselor, and he decided that they had good problem solving skills.
 He tried a test to narrow the area of specialty.  He put each man in a room
with a stove, a table, and a pot of water on the table.  He ...

I’m not a good cook.

At Christmas my family got together and bought me a stove that flushes.

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