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Washer Jokes

This power washer says you're supposed to wear safety goggles when you use it.

I can't see why.

What's the difference between your mom and a laundromat washer?

The washer doesn't take loads for free.

What did the window washer say to the broken window?

I feel your pane.

I needed a new washer and dryer

So the guy at the appliance store sold me those units that have Wi-Fi. I’ve bern walking around with damp underwear for two weeks because I can’t remember my password.

(Credit: Jay Leno)

Dropping a load on the washer

Has a totally different meaning if you have an appliance fetish.

The Window Washer

So there was this window washer who was asked if the glass he was washing was opaque and he replied it wasn't clear. His friend sees the remark as funny and asks if he had meant to make a pun and the window washer says, "Nope, unintended"

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So I was telling my wife about how I got fired from the golf course earlier.

Her: How? What happened?

Me: They caught me putting my dick in the golf ball washer.

Her: \*laughs\* So then what happened to the golf ball washer?

Me: She got fired too.

I like Jokes about window washers...

they work on so many levels.

What does an occult window washer use?

A squeegee board

I just put C4 in my washer

And blew my load

I dropped my epileptic meds in the washer earlier.

Now my clothes don’t fit anymore.

Dad: Have you heard about the pressure washer?

Dad: "have you heard about the pressure washer?"

Daughter: "no."

Dad: *rolls eyes* "pshhhhhhhhhhhhh."

What's the difference between a blonde and a washer?

When you dump your load in a washer, it doesn't follow you around for a week.

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My wife moaned at me as she put dishes in the washer

I asked her "Why are you moaning at me"

She replied "I'm trying to put a load in the dishwasher, can you stop fucking me?"

I said to her "I'm just trying to put a load in the dishwasher too"

What should you not put in the washer with a load full of towels?

A towel full of loads

How you turn a washer into a snow blower?

Hand her a shovel

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Three men arrive in heaven at the same time. St. Peter comes out to greet them.

"Sorry about this guys," says St. Peter. "God didn't realize just how many people would get into heaven, so we have a new policy. You now have to tell me the story of how you died, and if I think it's sad or interesting enough, I'll let you in."

He walks up to the first man who is a nerdy, bo...

A cook got his hand caught in the dish-washer

and they were both fired.

We have one of the recalled Samsung washers. But, don't feel sorry for us...

We're going to have a blast!

Two nuns are on a motorcar trip through Europe, and end up in Transylvania.

While stopped at a traffic signal, a tiny Dracula jumps up on the hood of their vehicle and hisses through the windshield.


“What should we do?” shrieks one nun as she panics and reaches for her Rosary beads..


“Turn on the wipers! That will get rid of the abomination, Sister,” s...

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It was a broken toilet by night...

And a butt washer bidet.

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Husband goes to a police station, says ‘My wife is missing!’

Husband goes to a police station...
“My wife is missing! She went out yesterday and has not come home...”

Sergeant at Police Station:
“What is her height?”

Husband:
“Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall

Sergeant:
“Weight?”

Husband:
“Don't know. N...

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When people at work ask me, "What's up?!", I always reply naturally, with... "Same shit, different day!".

They always seem delighted, but I'm sittin' over here with one pair of underwear and a clothes washer that doesn't work!

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Honey, you know that new washing machine we just bought..

A wife had just made her husband a nice breakfast as she was in need of a few things and her husband was just a complete A** Hole.

So, the husband is reading the paper, and the wife says, "Honey, you know that new washing machine we just bought, well something is wrong with it, it won't go in...

Wife: The vacuum cleaner doesn’t suck the way it used to.

Husband: Neither does the dish washer.

what do apples, dish washer soap, the muppets, a black guy, beer, yankee candels, and the keyboard on a flip phone all have in common?

they all help make a really convoluted joke.

There was a blonde man who broke his leg while playing golf.

He fell off the ball washer.

Did you hear about the guy that escaped from a loony bin, went to the laundromat and assaulted some patrons, then ran away?

The headline in the paper read,

> Nut Screws Washers and Bolts.

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The cops in my town are looking for a crazy man. He was last seen having sex with a laundry machine.

Nut screws washer and bolts.

I got fired from my job at the calendar factory

I got fired from my job at the calendar factory a couple weeks ago, and all I did was take a few days off.

But it's alright, I think I'm going to become a mirror washer.

It's something I can really see myself doing

My mom told me to load the dish washer.

So I got her pregnant.

I created a new gig-economy app for laundry called Laundr.

Unfortunately, the only thing anyone seems to use it for is washer-dryer hookups.

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Man escapes from insane asylum, and has sex with a girl in a laundry mat.

The newspaper the next day reads:

"Nut screws washers and bolts."

Whats the difference between a woman and a washing machine?

You can drop a load in a washer and it doesn't follow you around for two weeks.

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I got fired from my job at the golf club today, here's how the conversation went.

*"This is not acceptable at all! You're fired!"*, said my boss.

"But sir I-"

*"I'm not hearing any excuses! You put your dick inside the golf ball washer!!? This is not acceptable at all!"* my boss replied.

"I understand sir, I'm really sorry."

*"Good. You may leave at on...

I've been laundering money for a few months now.

Seriously, this quarter has been in my washer for months

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Little/Big Johnny and the Lady

Little Johnny is delivering newspapers.

He knocks on a door, a lady answers, takes a newspaper, and Johnny says: "Collecting... that'll be five dollars please.”
She says "I'm a little short on cash but if you want I'll give you sex instead...?"
Johnny says "All right.”

He...

I told my husband I’m going gradually cut back my dependence on technology in 2019.

I’m starting with the vacuum cleaner, washer/dryer and iron.

A guy escaped from the lunatic asylum.

He broke into the local laundromat, banged the female assistant and ran off.

Headline in the local newspaper next day read,

"Nut Screws Washer and Bolts”.

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Three men arrive in Heaven at the same time.

As they approach the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter appears before them.

"The rules are simple: to get into Heaven, first you have to tell me how you die. If I'm satisfied with your story, you can come in."

The first man steps forward.

"Imagine this. You come home to your sixth-floo...

Honey, before it starts.

-Honey can you bring me a beer before it starts?

She brings him a beer.

-Honey can you pass me the remote before it starts?

She passes him the remote.

-Honey can you put my work clothes in the washer before it starts?

She gets up and puts his working clothes in the...

Revenge

A man goes into a store and starts looking around. He sees a washer and dryer, but there is no price listed on them. He asks the salesperson, "How much is the washer and dryer?"

"Five dollars for both of them," the sales guy says.

"Yeah right, you've got to be kidding me!" the man says...

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The dishwasher

One day a guy is acting kinda weird after work and his wife notices it. She asks him, "Honey, what's wrong?". "Oh....nothing. Don't worry about it" he replies, but she keeps persisting to find out what's bothering him.
Finally he says, "Ok, ok....at work today, I had this sudden urge to stick my....

New Years resolution to recycle water

I am putting a bucket in each shower and using the collected water in the clothes washer. I really don’t care what everyone else at the gym says.

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Four nuns are driving through Transylvania one night...

A vampire flies down out of the sky and lands on the hood of the car, hissing at them and baring his fangs.

The nun driving shrieks, "What do I do, what do I do?"

One of the other nuns says, "Turn on the windshield wiper, maybe it will knock him off!"

So the driving nun does so,...

Why did the groom want his bride to wear white?

He wanted his new dish washer to match his fridge.

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A Dyre Predicament

"So kind of you to cruise by, Superman. How are the kryptonite shackles treating you?"

"You won't get away with this! Who are you anyway? I've never fought you."

"Oh, that's because I'm not a villain. And I intend to keep it that way, which brings me to the nature of today's exercise...

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Three guys died the same day

3 guys all died on the same day, and they're standing in line before Peter and the pearly gates.

Peter says "ayy fellas, I'm a little full today. I tell you what. Whichever one of you has the best death story gets in today."

So ol' Pete pulls the first guy over and asks how he dies. ...

Al Sharpton goes to Best Buy

Al Sharpton heads into best buy and is browsing the appliance section. He calls over a young white male employee.

Al: Hey young man, I'd like to register a complaint.
Best Buy Guy: What seems to be the issue sir?
Al: Well you see son, all of these washers are white! This is outrageous...

What do you do if your daughter gets dirty in the laundry room?

You washer and dryer.

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Why was there semen on the clean laundry?

When Greg woke up, his mom had left a note reading, "Please put a load in the washer"

What did the bolt say to the nut?

"Washer? I don't even know 'er!"

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Wife came home Sunday afternoon

to find the kitchen and living room a mess, the laundry still in a pile by the washer and me on the couch having done nothing but drink beer and watch football all day. She yelled, "Watch yourself, mister, or you're going to make me do something I don't want to do."

"Wow," I thought, "I can...

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A man gets home after a long day at work

He sits down on the couch and calls out to his wife "Hey babe, will you get me a beer before it starts?" She gladly goes to the fridge and gets him a beer, pops the top and brings it to him then goes into the kitchen to start dinner. About half an hour later she hears "Hey babe, will you get me a be...

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The paper boy

The paper boy is going around collecting money from customers. When he gets to mrs Johnson's house he asks for the five dollars for last weeks papers. She says "I don't have five dollars would you trade for sex?"

The paper boy says that would be fine and they head upstairs. He then pulls out ...

So three guys are waiting in line to get into heaven...

And Saint Peter was walking around making sure everyone was doing OK and stopped at Bob. St Peter asks "So, how did you die?"

Bob says, "well my wife and I live on a third story apartment and I thought she was cheating on me. So I came home early from work one day, to catch her in the act. W...

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Yankel the Jew is walking in town one day. He is walking by the stores, admiring all the storefronts and the products they offer.

Suddenly, he notices a peculiar sign on the window of a pet store: "Talking Parrot! Can have real conversations!"
He went inside and inquired about the parrot. As he was shown the parrot, the parrot squawks, "Hello, how are you! I'm rudolph!" In near perfect english and the parrot holds out his w...

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