A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!" He slams the
door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is p...

Whenever it rains, my girlfriend just stands at the window looking sad

Sometimes I even let her in

One night, a viking named Rudolf the Red was looking out the window when he said, "it's going to rain"

His wife asked, "how do you know?“

>!"Because Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear"!<

Two older women were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain.

Two older women were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain.
One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

First Lady:Whats that?

Second Lady: A condom. This way my cigarette doesnt get wet.
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Cotton Farmer: Finally, some rain

**Cotton Candy Farmer:** *[running toward his fields]* oh shit oh fuck no no no no no

When it starts raining cats and dogs:

*Please seek shelters*

Pet shelters





Sorry

A woman is walking hand-in-hand with her husband on Christmas Eve In Moscow

They're having a nice night when, suddenly, they start to feel a bit of precipitation on their faces.


The woman looks at her husband and says, "Look, dear, it's raining."


Her husband tells her, "No, dear, it's snowing." Well, this argument goes back and forth for a few minu...

It was raining cats and dogs last night, how did I know?

I stepped in a poodle

So this guy and his wife are driving home in the rain when a skunk appears...

The guy swerves and strikes the skunk nonetheless. Being an animal lover he stops and assesses the soggy critter. It breathes and he immediately scoops it up. "Quick!" He says to his wife, "warm this skunk in your lap while I drive to the vet!"

"But it's wet and stinky" she protests.
...

A girl runs under a church awning to escape the rain.

A priest at the door greets her. "Are you all right, my dear?"

"Oh yes, I'm fine!" she exclaims. "It's just absolutely pouring rain!"

Suddenly, the sky opens up, and water begins to cascade down as if pouring from an enormous faucet.

"*Wow!*" the girl shouts. "Now it's *really*...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It's the middle of the night, pouring rain, and a man's car breaks down in the middle of nowhere...

He sees a farmhouse in the distance and walks to it. After knocking on the front door, a farmer opens it and greets the man. Inside, the man sees the farmer's beautiful wife and daughter.

The man tells the farmer about his situation and the farmer is sympathetic, allowing the man to stay the...

There was a lady with 3 sons, named Rain, Snow and Brick

One day Rain asked his mom, "Mom why am i named Rain?" "Because a raindrop fell on your head when you were born.” Then Snow asked his mom, “Why is my name ‘Snow’?” “Because a snowflake fell on your head when you were born.” Then Brick asked his mom, “URGUTUREWESADJ”

Maybe the song "It's Raining Men" wouldn't have been as popular had they used the original demo title:

"Corpse Storm."

It’s been raining for days now and my husband seems very depressed by it.

He keeps standing by the window, staring. If it continues, I’m going to have to let him in.

What do you call a bear that’s stuck out in the rain?

A drizzly bear

I think my wife is starting to get depressed with all this rain we’re getting. Everyday, I see her at the window with a sad look on her face.

If it gets any worse I might have to let her back inside.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Those be calm and listen to rain apps are terrible....

I just put the Amazon rainforest on and I thought the fucking house was on fire.

What's the difference between Donald Trump and a worm?

One of them is a slimy, loathsome creature incapable of complex thought, the other one actually shows up when it rains.

Rain was pouring and there was a big puddle in front of the pub...

A ragged old man was standing there with a rod and hanging a string into the puddle.


A tipsy- looking, curious gentleman came over to him and asked what he was doing.


'Fishing,' the old man said simply.


'Poor old fool,' the gentleman thought and he invited the ...

If you like Pina Coladas and getting caught in the rain...

Getting drunk in the shower would save a lot of time.

An old dime store novel writer walks into a saloon...

An old west dime novel writer is out looking for a good story when he wanders into a saloon. He sees a group of rough rider lookin' scoundrels playing poker and he musters up enough courage to sit down with 'em (thinkin' he might get a story out if he was lucky). "Mind if I play?"

The others ...

When it started raining my girlfriend couldn’t help starring intently through the window.

I didn’t care though i wasn’t going to let her in.

Two elderly women are walking down the street smoking cigarettes and it begins to rain

One of the elderly ladies puts her cigarette out and the other woman goes into her purse and pulls out a condom and a pair of scissors. She unwraps the condom and cuts it in half with the scissors. She takes the closed end of it, places it over her cigarette to stay dry and continues smoking.
...

I just helped a poor old lady up off the floor after she had slipped in the rain.

Well, I presume she's poor, she only had £2.57 in her purse.

Two old ladies are sitting on a park bench smoking cigarettes when it starts to rain

One of the ladies reaches into her purse and pulls out a condom.

"Helen! What in the world is that for?!" says the other lady.

"Well, just watch this" Helen says before she cuts off the end and puts it over her cigarette. "This way they don't get soggy!"

The second old lady is p...

What do you call it when Snoop Dogg pretends it's raining?

Faux drizzle

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one day, he comes across a Harley with a "for sale" sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years. "Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and i...

What did the little girls ribbon become in the rain

A rainbow

Did you hear about the Irishman who gets wet every time it rains?

Paddy O’ Furniture

Two men are walking outside together when it starts to rain.

One man says to the other, "Why don't you open your umbrella?"

He answers, " It won't help, it's full of holes."

" Then why did you bring it?"

"I didn't think it would rain!"

Why do people run from the rain while they go willingly under the shower?

Consent

Props to the rain

It gets all the girls wet

On a Sunday night, where it rained heavily, I turned to my son.

"It's Mon soon, see son?"

God announced he was ready to create Man, but Satan came up with a scheme to mess with his plan

"God", said Satan. "Since Man is to be your crowning achievement, wouldn't you agree that when you introduce Man to Earth, it should be on a warm, sunny day to start with auspicious signs?"

God thought about it and he agreed. "Very well. I will create Man on the next warm, sunny day in Eden."...

A drunk was walking with a whisky bottle in the pocket of his coat

It was late and the streets were slippery from the rain. Suddenly, he lost his footing and fell face first in the curb.

Feeling his body, he noticed his chest was wet. He closed his eyes and prayed:

“Dear Lord, please let it be blood”

Four rabbis are arguing:

Four rabbis are arguing.
Three rabbis hold one opinion and the fourth one holds an opposite opinion.
The rabbi who oppose the three says: "God will prove I am right!"
There is a lightning and thunder outside.
"That's just a random accident," say those three.
Outside, it star...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I recently started learning Morse code, but it's really hurting my sleep schedule

FUCK U TOO RAIN

What do you call a dangerous precipitation?

Rain of terror

Viking warlord Rudolph the Red is awoken suddenly in the night.

Opening his eyes, he turns over to look out his window. A loud pattering sound fills his hut. “What is that?” asks Rudolph’s wife.

Rudolph gets out of bed to get a closer look outside. After a few seconds of observation, he comes to a conclusion. “It’s raining,” he informs his wife. Sleepily...

Once there was a lion and a monkey.

The monkey said, “I can make the weather change.” And the lion said, “No, you can’t.”

So the monkey started climbing up the tree. And then he started peeing on the lion’s head. “Now it’s raining!” Then he started farting. “Now there’s thunder!” Then he started doo-dooing. “Now it’s snowing...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm sexually attracted to the rain.

It just makes me so wet.

The cowboy

A lady sees a cowboy and says "are you really a cowboy?" The cowboy says "why yes mame, born and raised right here in Montana and have worked on the ranch since I was knee high to a pup."

The woman says " I've always wondered why cowboys always wear those big hats." The wide brim keeps the s...

Why are there so many vampire stories, but only in Europe, the Americas, Antarctica, and Asia?

Because vampires die if they touch holy water, and they bless the rains down in Africa.

What did Mrs. Claus say to Santa when she looked out of the window?

It looks like rain, dear.

A man and his wife are arguing, the man says it's going to rain, the woman says it isn't.

"Let's ask Rudolph, the communist police officer"says the man

"It might, the sky is pretty cloudy" says the policeman

The man turns to his wife and says:
"See, Rudolph the red knows rain, dear"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Drunk & the Bus Driver

This is a repost of one I've told for decades:

A bus driver was just starting along his route. It was still dark and raining and the temperature hovered just above freezing.

As he approached the first stop on his route he could see some poor soul laying on the bench. He stopped the bus...

Why can you see the LGBT colours in the sky after it rains?

Because the sun just came out.

How the government works

The king wanted to go fishing, and he asked the royal weather forecaster the forecast for the next few hours. The palace meteorologist assured him that there was no chance of rain.

So the king and the queen went fishing. On the way he met a man with a fishing pole riding on a donkey, and he a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One guy is in bed with a woman, when he hears her husband's footsteps

The woman tells him to get his clothes and jump out the window. He complains because it's raining a lot but, having to other option, he jumps out and falls in the middle of the street, where a marathon is taking place.

Trying to go unnoticed, he joins the runners and starts running too. Every...

An old man feels a slight precipitation falling from the sky.

An old man feels a slight precipitation falling from the sky.

"It's snowing!" the old man says excitedly to his wife.

"That isn't snow", the wife replies.

"Are you sure? Because this feels a lot like snow to me", the old man says.

"You see that man over there in the crims...

What country gets the exact same rain that falls on England?

Uk-raine

A woman was having an affair while her husband was at work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband’s car pull into the driveway.

“Oh My God – Hurry! Grab your clothes,” she yelled to her lover. “And jump out the window. My husband’s home early!”

I can’t jump out the window. It’s raining out there.

If my husband catches us in here, he’ll kill us both, she replied.

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs ...

In the year 2020, the Lord came unto Noah, Who was now living in America and said:

“Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me."

"Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying:

"You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start...

What tinned food is best for protecting you from the rain?

Can of Peas

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man takes a taxi in the pouring rain...

He tells the driver to head for the airport, shaking water off his hat and fanning his coat to get some more off the whole time. It is then, halfway through the drive, that he notices he's forgotten his wallet. He frantically searches his pockets, but all he finds is a 20 dollar bill.

He asks...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Franz was reading his book on death row...

It was the ‘storm of the century’. On death row, Franz was reading his religious texts, looking for God, even as the inmates of the neighbouring cells were having an explosive argument about who should get to shower first. ’14 days to execution’, Franz thought, as he physically and mentally trembled...

If somebody says you're right as rain,

does that mean you're all wet?

Why are the people who flew from Spain always dry, even if it was raining there?

Because the rain in Spain stays mainly in the plane.

An archaeologist is visiting a small town in Nevada. He's just ambling around, enjoying the play of the autumn light on the terracotta and adobe-colored buildings. He rounds a corner and is surprised to see the most, bar none, stunningly beautiful alley he's ever come across...

It may sound like he's a bit nerdy, but we all have our things we love and he's a lover of old streets.


The ground of the alley is a light orange in hue, with a soft almost nutty sheen and texture.

His feet feel refreshed!

The street has gorgeous slopes and embankments, li...

An old Team Fortress 2 joke. Probably applicable to a few other team shooters, too.

The Heavy Weapons Guy woke up one morning to a bit of distress. His stomach was tied up in knots, forcing him into the bathroom for much of the day. After a few hours of this painful nonsense, he sought out the Medic for some professional advice.

"Ah," the Medic exclaimed in his exaggerated...

(My grandpa who passed away last year, famous joke) Why should you always keep your tools out of the rain?

Because nobody likes a rusty hoe

What's worse than raining cats and dogs?

Hailing taxis

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man picks up a woman while it's raining

He then puts his hand on her leg. She says "That will cost you $50."

He then hands her the $50 dollars and begins rubbing her leg until he asks her "How much will it cost for me to make love to you?"

She replies "It will cost you $500, but on my conditions."

Excited, the man pul...

In the Oval Office

Donald Trump and Rudy Guiliani are in the Oval Office and are arguing about the weather. Trump says it's snowing, while Guiliani says it's drizzling. Melania enters the room, and sees the argument in full display. Finallly she interjects by saying, "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear," and leaves the ...

Three dinosaurs stumble across a magic lamp.

They rub it, and a genie appears.

"I have three wishes, so I'll give one to each of you," the genie announces.

The first dinosaur thinks hard.

"Alright," he says, "I'll have a big, juicy, piece of meat."

Instantly, the biggest, juiciest piece of meat he'd ever seen appear...

[LONG] [NSFW] Two guys are in a boat fishing

One guys pulls out a cigarette and says to the other, "Hey man, do you have a light?"
The other guy goes into his tacklebox and pulls out a 10-inch lighter and hands it to him.
As he lights his cigarette, he says "Hey that's really neat, where did you get a lighter this big?"
"Oh, I have ...

Have you ever got hit by frozen rain before?

It hurts like hail.

Something you don't know about me - I'm an authority on wasp sounds.

Anyway I was out for the day and it started to rain. So I wandered into a junk shop, I was looking through the records, the LPs were of no interest so I looked in the singles. Johnny Mathis, Val Doonican, Wasp sounds fro...wait! What's this? "Wasp Sounds From Around The World!" I want this! It's onl...

By law, you are required to turn on your headlights if it is raining in Sweden.

How the hell am I supposed to know if its raining in Sweden?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Saw a dwarf waiting at a bus stop in the rain

"Jump in", I yelled, "I'll give you a lift home". "Fuck off!", he shouted back. 'What an ungrateful bastard' I thought as I zipped up my backpack and kept on walking.

Is it Raining or Snowing?

A Russian couple was walking down the street in St. Petersburg the other night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining," he said to his wife.


"No, that felt more like snow to me," she replied. "No, I'm sure it was just rain, he said." Well, as these things go, they...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Confessing your sins [NSFW i guess]

A guy who had done wrongs in his life went to church to confess
He goes to the confessional and the priest asks him

P - What sins have you done, son?

S - I sinned, father, I went to send something to my sister in law and before going out it started raining, so i stayed in her house...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I jerk off in the shower so much

I get a hard on when it rains

What's the difference between a thunderstorm and a child being spanked?

One pours with rain, and the other roars with pain.

A man and his wife are visiting Russia.

They’re taking a stroll through what’s widely known as a socialist part of town, when it starts to drizzle.

The wife turns and says to her husband, and says, “Let’s go back to the hotel. It’s raining.”

The man scoffs. “It’s not raining,” he says, “this is nothing.”

The wife dis...

What does a ghost wear when it rains?

Boooooooooooots

Since it started raining, all my wife has done is look sadly through the stupid window...

If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Diary of an Englishman after he moves to South Africa....

**August 1**: Just got transferred with work from London, UK to our new home in Phalaborwa, Limpopo, South Africa. Now this is a town that knows how to live! Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings. I watched the sunset from a deckchair by our pool yesterday. It was beautiful. I’ve finally fo...

The sky above looked ominous, so I asked Siri, "Surely, it's not going to rain again today?!"

It replied, "It is and don't call me Shirley!"

Guess I forgot to take my phone off Airplane mode…

3 little kids, Leafy, Rainy and Bricky.

They were asking their mother about their names.

Leafy asked:

— Mama, why is my name Leafy?

The Mother answered:

— Cause when you were born a Leaf fell on your head

Then Rainy asked:

— Mama, why is my name Rainy?

— Because when your were born, the wat...

Why does a shower feel good but rain feels bad?

Consent

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The man who loved fishing

A husband is fanatical about fishing.

Twice a month on the weekend, he heads out for the lake early and spends most of the day.

He does this come rain or shine.

One Saturday morning he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his lunch made, puts on his long johns, grabs the dog and...

How do you get Donald Trump to visit a memorial in the rain?

Tell him the forecasts predict golden showers.

A man was on a hike with his best friend.

They’re walking up a hill, talking about what had happened during their childhood. About halfway through the height, the man spots a purple flower out of the corner of his eye. He goes over to it and picks it up. He turns to his friend and says,
“Hey, look! A purple flower!”

His friends ...

When it's sunny, I think, beer garden! When it rains, I usually go to the bar for a while. When it's snowing, I like to sit in front of the TV with a case of beer.

I'm starting to think I have a problem with the weather…

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My hot neighbor wanted to have sex all night long...

She's single . . . She lives right across the street. I can see her house from my living room. I watched as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street in the rain and up my driveway. She knocked on my door . . . I rushed to open it. She looked at me, and s...

A man got home from his walk and his wife said:”Thank god you got home safe it’s raining cats and dogs!!!”

The man:”It’s not raining that bad I didn’t even step in any poodles”

i bless the rains down in

ah frick... uh... i forget the words guys

Everyone is on Trump for avoiding the WWI Memorial because of rain, but it was really Melania who didn’t want to go.

She doesn’t remember what it’s like to be wet.

A girl from work was stressed out that her ride couldn't pick her up, so she asked if I'd drive her home because it was raining heavily and she didn't want to walk home. I agreed.

Once in the car, we got to talking, mainly about everyday things, what we
liked doing, eating, then about work for a bit.

With the conversation flowing, we got to her house fairly quick. She thanked
me, went to get out of the car, stopped for a moment, looked at me and said,
"How the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I did the math on Hurricane Florence rain fall...

There is predicted to be 17 Trillion gallons of rain falling from Florence.

The width of a milk jug is 5.5"

Rain x Width = 93 Trillion inches

93 Trillion divided by 12 gets you 7,791,666,666,666 Feet

Divided by 5280

1,475,694,444 Miles

Divided by 93,000,000 ...

What do you call a calf in the rain?

*A moist cowlette!*

Weather

My wife asked me for the weather to come in 30 minutes.

I asked Officer Rudolph, wearing his medal on a red ribbon.

"Definitely raining." He said.

See? Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.

Two painters are painting a church

They notice that they don't have enough paint so they pour some water in it and finish their job. 5 minutes later a thunderstorm rains and washes everything away.

A booming voice comes over from the clouds as the painters watch.

"Repaint and thin no more"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A newlywed couple just moved into their new house.



One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says,"Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking,could you fix it?"

The husband just looked at his wife and said, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?"

A few days went by, and he comes home from work...

Two friends were walking down the street when it started raining coins

One of them told the other, "It's climate change".

What did the rain and the snow get when they lost the race?

Precipitation trophies.

Why don't Native Americans like to do rain dances in April anymore?

April showers bring Mayflowers.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How the Germans bailed out Greece

It is a slow day in a little Greek Village. The rain is beating down and the streets are deserted.



Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.



On this particular day a rich German tourist is driving through the village, stops at the local hotel...

How can four people go out with only one umbrella and not get wet?

It isn’t raining.

Play Ball!

Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb, had been friends all of their lives. When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day. One day Barb said, “Rose, we both loved playing women’s softball all our lives, and we played all through High School. Please do me one favor: when you get to...

A man with a dog walks into a bar.

Guy says to the bartender: "If I show you my talking dog, will you give a round on the house?"

Bartender: "Okay. But prove it."

Guy: "Spot, what's a four letter word that starts with 'R'?"

Dog: "ROOF!"

Bartender: "That's not really talking."

Guy: "Ok. Spot, what's ...

A blonde once owned a big, beautiful garden

Since there were so many flowers, she hired a gardener to do all the watering, weeding etc., and the gardener did everything perfectly.

One day, she told the gardener to water the plants. Once the gardener went to the garden, it suddenly rained. Knowing that his work wouldn't be needed that ...

*Hits blunt*

Isn’t hail just rain in Braille?

Praying for salvation...

One rainy day, a very religious woman was standing on her front porch watching as the river across the street started to rise up its banks. A policeman drove down the road and saw her, pulled his cruiser up her drive, and got out.

"Excuse me miss," he called over to the woman, "but the rains ...

It's been raining for 3 days without stopping. My wife is in depression, she is standing and looking through the window.

If the rain doesn't stop tomorrow, I'll have to let her in.

What Pokèmon blesses the rains down in Africa?

Totodile

It’s been raining for days now and my wife is getting depressed, the way she keeps standing at the window hoping it will clear up...

If it keeps raining like this, I am afraid I‘ll have to let her get back in.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It rained for days, and the flood came.

Everybody was leaving the village except Bob. Seeing him still there, they came on two pick-ups. Signaling Bob to come over.

"I am a man of deep faith" explained Bob to his neighbors. "I don't need to flee my village. God will protect me."
&nbsp;
The water kept rising, and whe...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My life completely changed after I learned Morse Code.

Last night for example, I couldn't fall asleep, because the rain kept telling me to go fuck myself.

Why didn't Donald Trump address the Veterans in the rain?

Have you ever seen what happens to cotton candy when it gets wet?

An Irishman sees an old man standing in the rain outside of a pub...

As the man gets closer he notices that the old man has a stick in his hand with a piece of string on it, and is waving it around in a puddle.

The man feels bad for the old codger and offers to buy him a pint.

"thank you!" replies the old man, and the two walk inside the pub.
As they...

A soldier looks at the sky and suddenly yells: "we gotta act fast, it's about to neutralize our base!". His commanding officer says: "What the hell are you talking about, we ain't even at war!?"

The soldier replies: "Acid rain".

Two old ladies were outside smoking one day when it started to rain…

One of the ladies took out a condom, cut off the tip and put it over her cigarette.

The other lady said, "Hey, that's a good idea.
What's that called?"

The lady responded, "It's a condom."

The other lady said, "Where can I get one of those?"

She said, "Oh, just about...

A Soviet couple were walking down the street when they saw a dark cloud

The husband said “I think it’s going to rain”

The wife said “I think it’s going snow”

The husband asked a communist officer on the street “Officer Rudolf, will it rain or snow?”

The officer said “it will definitely rain”

When the husband told the wife, she asked “but how ...

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