A man and his wife are arguing, the man says it's going to rain, the woman says it isn't.

"Let's ask Rudolph, the communist police officer"says the man

"It might, the sky is pretty cloudy" says the policeman

The man turns to his wife and says:
"See, Rudolph the red knows rain, dear"

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door, where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. "Not a chance!" says the husband. "It's three o'clock in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push." he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not! It's three in the morning and it's pouring out!"

"Well, you have a short memory." says his wife....

What does a ghost wear when it rains?

Boooooooooooots

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man takes a taxi in the pouring rain...

He tells the driver to head for the airport, shaking water off his hat and fanning his coat to get some more off the whole time. It is then, halfway through the drive, that he notices he's forgotten his wallet. He frantically searches his pockets, but all he finds is a 20 dollar bill.

He asks...

Why does a shower feel good but rain feels bad?

Consent

My marriage is over.

I loved my wife Lorraine in the beginning, but for the longest time I've had a crush on my friend Claire-Lee Robins, who I know feels the same way about me. Eventually Lorraine found out about my secretive feelings, and just like that, she packed her bags and left.

I do feel bad about it all....

How do you get Donald Trump to visit a memorial in the rain?

Tell him the forecasts predict golden showers.

What did the rain and the snow get when they lost the race?

Precipitation trophies.

Everyone is on Trump for avoiding the WWI Memorial because of rain, but it was really Melania who didn’t want to go.

She doesn’t remember what it’s like to be wet.

My friend told me that storm Diana was on its way from the east, bringing high winds and rain and it could cause a lot of damage.

I told him not to worry as it would probably crash out in France

Why are there no vampires in africa?

Because they blessed the rains down in africa.

Why can you see the LGBT colours in the sky after it rains?

Because the sun just came out.

Old ladies smoking in the rain, when...

One lady pulls out a condom and covers her cigarette. The other ladies ask what's up with the condom. She responds that it keeps the cigarette dry during the rain.
A day later one of the ladies goes to a store and says may I buy a condom. The salesman asks if there is anything special she'd like ...

Since Vampires are supposedly hurt by holy water, I always wondered why priests don't just say a prayer over every storm cloud, kill the vampires from above. Then I realized why so many Vampires are from Europe...

Someone already blessed the rains down in Africa

i bless the rains down in

ah frick... uh... i forget the words guys

What do you call a calf in the rain?

*A moist cowlette!*

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I did the math on Hurricane Florence rain fall...

There is predicted to be 17 Trillion gallons of rain falling from Florence.

The width of a milk jug is 5.5"

Rain x Width = 93 Trillion inches

93 Trillion divided by 12 gets you 7,791,666,666,666 Feet

Divided by 5280

1,475,694,444 Miles

Divided by 93,000,000 ...

What happens when it rains cats and dogs?

You can step in a poodle.....

An Irishman sees an old man standing in the rain outside of a pub...

As the man gets closer he notices that the old man has a stick in his hand with a piece of string on it, and is waving it around in a puddle.

The man feels bad for the old codger and offers to buy him a pint.

"thank you!" replies the old man, and the two walk inside the pub.
As they...

Rain and Rome are close friends

They both like to fall

What Pokèmon blesses the rains down in Africa?

Totodile

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Saw a dwarf waiting at a bus stop in the rain

"Jump in", I yelled, "I'll give you a lift home". "Fuck off!", he shouted back. 'What an ungrateful bastard' I thought as I zipped up my backpack and kept on walking.

Jesus walks into a hotel during the terrible rain storm

He puts three Nails on the front desk and says can you put me up for the night?

Why don't Native Americans like to do rain dances in April anymore?

April showers bring Mayflowers.

Why didn't Donald Trump address the Veterans in the rain?

Have you ever seen what happens to cotton candy when it gets wet?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My girlfriend came through the front door and moaned, "I had to walk home in the rain and now I'm really wet!"

I replied, "You get turned on by the weirdest shit…"

When does it rain money?

When there is "change" in the weather

The sky above looked ominous, so I asked Siri, "Surely, it's not going to rain again today?!"

It replied, "It is and don't call me Shirley!"

Guess I forgot to take my phone off Airplane mode…

There was a lady with 3 sons, named Rain, Snow and Brick

Rain asked his mom, “Why is my name ‘Rain’?”
“Because a raindrop fell on your head when you were born.”
Then Snow asked his mom, “Why is my name ‘Snow’?”
“Because a snowflake fell on your head when you were born.”
Then Brick asked his mom, “NYANYANYANYA”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My life completely changed after I learned Morse Code

Last night, for example, I couldn’t fall asleep because the rain kept telling me to go fuck myself.

My notebook got wet in the rain and I lost most of my school assignments.

On a side note, I still managed to save a few of them.

I screwed up the scene in the movie where I walked through an incredibly light rain.

It was a mist take.

Joke from my childhood: “I hope the rain keeps up...”

“...That way it won’t keep coming down!”

The smell of rain

Every loves the smell of rain. So fresh, so clean. But in actuality you can’t actually smell rain. What you smell is the world around you.

Way back in the day humans used to have to actually hunt their food. So if you were chasing down a deer and it started to rain you could easily lose the ...

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain.

Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
The next day, Arlene hobbles her...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was on my way to work when I saw a dwarf standing at a bus stop in the rain

“Do you wanna hop in mate?” I asked.

“Piss off” he replied.

“Suit yourself” I said, as I zipped up my backpack.

Two old ladies were outside smoking one day when it started to rain…

One of the ladies took out a condom, cut off the tip and put it over her cigarette.

The other lady said, "Hey, that's a good idea.
What's that called?"

The lady responded, "It's a condom."

The other lady said, "Where can I get one of those?"

She said, "Oh, just about...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

TIL that, by law, you have to turn your headlights on when it's raining in Sweden.

Who the fuck's going to let me know when it's raining in Sweden?

A lad was on his way to visit his friend. Whilst driving, his car broke down and it began to rain so heavily, he couldn’t see his own hands in front of him. (Halloween super scary story)

**this super scary story as told me to be last night by an Irish dude**

He walked for as long as he could, but the rain became too much to bear. He found a tree and stood beneath it, waiting for a car.
Hours went by, and he was beginning to give up hope. It was a quiet road indeed that ...

During a drought, a farmer remembers hearing about a native tribe who's rain dance is said to work every time...

so the next day he gets in his pickup and heads out to visit the tribes chief.

When he gets there he asks if the tribe would be able to preform a rain dance for him.

"Yes, we can call the spirits of water with our dance, but first I must gather the tribe, and my son is two states away ...

I love the look on people's faces, standing soaked in the rain at the bus stop as I drive past.

It's partly why I became a bus driver.

What's the difference between Donald Trump and a worm?

One of them is a slimy, loathsome creature incapable of complex thought, the other one actually shows up when it rains.

What do “rain” and “reign” have in common?

Before they end, both fall and cause a huge mess.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Rain is like the Vagina......

When it's wet, It's time to go inside.

Two guys are walking in the rain

A speeding car splashes them with water before disappearing.

One guy says to the other, “You know if this was Paris, they would stop, take you to their house, take your wet clothes, offer you drinks, and let you spend the night.”

“No way!” says the other guy.

“Yes way,” says the...

A Couple is Walking in East Berlin on Christmas Eve...

A couple is walking in East Berlin on Christmas Eve. They feel a slight precipitation.

"I think it's raining," says the man.

"No, it's snowing," replies the woman.

"How about we ask this Communist officer here? He is always right!" exclaims the main. "Officer Rudolph, is it rain...

I was eating soup one day outside my favorite restaurant and it started raining..

Took me hours to finish my meal.

Why don't ghosts go out in the rain?

It dampens their spirits

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

After Noah led the animals onto the ark, it started to rain

After Noah led the animals onto the ark, two by two, it started to rain for 40 days and 40 nights. After the 15th day, with all the animals cooped up together with no designated toilet area, the ark began to smell. So Noah, being a wise old Noah, decided to set up a designated shitting area at the b...

Two Old Ladies go out for a smoke in the rain

As they're smoking, Old Lady 1 takes out a condom, cuts off the end, and puts it over her cigarette. Old Lady 2 looks at her and, realizing what a good idea it is, asks "hey where'd you get that."

"The Pharmacy, you can get a huge box of em down there."

The next day, Old Lady 2 goes i...

I don't know if I just got hit by freezing rain

but it hurt like hail.

My 9-yr old daughter just told me this one.

What did Mrs. Claus say to Santa when she looked out the window?

It looks like rain, dear.

What do you call a bear stuck in the rain?

A drizzly bear!

My family and I were at a friend's house for a barbecue when it started to rain.

Our son commented, "The rain is wet."
My friend laughed and said, "Wow, talk about stating the obvious!"
"He's always doing that," my wife said. "I don't know who he gets it from..." she laughed, pointing in my direction.
After a few seconds, I turned to my friend and said, "He gets i...

A man in the bar offers to bet anyone $100 that his dog can talk.

At first everyone is dubious, but after the man clarifies he means complete grammatically correct sentences, and they make sure there are no hidden devices on the dog, several bets are made.

The man: Well, Charley?

Charley lifts his paw.

The man: Charley, come on, say something...

"Dad, why did you name me Rain?"

Dad: "Because rain was the first thing that fell on you"

Rain: "Oh, I never knew that. Is that why my sister is named Snow as well?"

Dad: "Yes, you are absolutely right"

*a baby cries in the corner*

Dad: Shut up Brick!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A backpacker is traveling through Ireland when it starts to rain.

A backpacker is traveling through Ireland when it starts to rain. He decides to wait out the storm in a nearby pub. The only other person at the bar is an older man staring at his drink. After a few moments of silence the man turns to the backpacker and says in a thick Irish accent:

"You see ...

Rain Rain Go Away

That's what all my haters say.
-cumulonimbus clouds probably

There once was a young engineer,

who having worked for several years, decided that he and his family should have a weekend getaway place.

He searched the surrounding country, and found a lovely spot with frontage on a small river. They built a cabin, and began spending time there every chance they got. The kids loved it, an...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A boy grows up with an outhouse...

He's in bed one night and thinks to himself,

"This is bullshit! It's 2016, we're the only ones with an outhouse!

Once it rains and the river floods some, I'm pushing it in."

The boy wakes up for school the next morning and see that it rained a bit, enough for the river to rise ...

Three dinosaurs stumble across a magic lamp.

They rub it, and a genie appears.

"I have three wishes, so I'll give one to each of you," the genie announces.

The first dinosaur thinks hard.

"Alright," he says, "I'll have a big, juicy, piece of meat."

Instantly, the biggest, juiciest piece of meat he'd ever seen appear...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A boy gets a motorcycle for his 18th birthday

This boy just turned 18, and for his birthday his dad gave him his vintage Harley Davidson and a jar of vaseline. The dad told his son, "Always keep this vaseline on you, and if it ever starts to rain put it on the body of the bike to keep the coat shiny".

The boy is super excited and ride...

My kettle sounds like thunder and rain.

I think a storm is brewing.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

So why did the chicken cross the road?

SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he's a maverick!

BARACK OBAMA: Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their eggs they can keep their eggs. No chicken will be required to cross the road to surrender her e...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

This sub Reddit is like rain on a mountain

We don't know where it's going but it's going downhill fucking fast

Why do people carry umbrellas when it rains?

Because umbrellas can't walk. Ba'dum tssss

It's been raining so hard this week I think I need an Ark

It's OK, I Noah guy

What do you call Tatooine rain on a hot day?

Lukewarm Skywater

When i was 5 i thought the rain was god peeing

How silly childish ideas can be...thinking god exists

Whenever It Rains, My Wife Just Stands At The Window Looking Kind Of Sad

Maybe I Should Let Her In

My half Native American friend Les tried to teach me to rain dance, but we could only ever muster a light mist...

I guess I'm just going to have to make dew with Les.

What kind of vegetable do people farm indoors after it rains?

Leaks

What is Irish and sits out in the rain?

Patty O'Furniture

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike.

He doesn't have much luck until, one day, he comes across a Harley with a "for sale" sign on it. The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for ...

Rain or Snow

A husband and wife went on vacation to St Petersburg. One night they were there, precipitation fell from the sky.

"Oh look, it's snowing!" said the wife.
"No, that's rain," the husband argued.

Unable to settle if it was raining or snowing, they decided to ask the first person they s...

Always trust the soviet weather man.

A couple were visiting an art gallery in soviet St. Petersburg when they looked out of the window and saw the weather starting to look quite cloudy. The wife turned to her husband and said "We should get back to the hotel,I think its going to snow!" Before her husband could reply their tour guide le...

Did you hear about the rain at the campground?

It got in tents.

A couple walks down the street.

They talk about many things as they walk but eventually shift the topic of conversation to the weather.

The husband says, "Honey, we should hurry up before it starts to rain."

To which the wife replies, "I know these clouds dear, it is not going to rain."

The discussion goes on ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives

Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.

When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when ...

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer.

They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering.

Finally God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. Th...

Which country hates rain?

Bah Rain!

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.

He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning.

"I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows.

"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.

So he drags himself out of bed and goes...

What do you call a rain of strategy games?

A Tropico storm

What is the rain's favorite medieval reenactment?

Storming a castle.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Aquatic Research Fish ponds overflowed last night because of heavy Rain.

it flooded the residential area nearby. A man walked into his back yard the next morning and saw his entire basement was filled with water, and hundreds of fish swimming in his pool. He went in his house and called his insurance company. He told the representative what happened. She replied "Sorry, ...

What do you get when it rains t-rexes?

A meat-eater shower

High Noon

An old west dime novel writer is out looking for a good story when he wanders into a saloon. He sees a group of rough rider lookin' scoundrels playing poker and he musters up enough courage to sit down with 'em (thinkin' he might get a story out if he was lucky). "Mind if I play?"

The others ...

How do witches fly in the rain?

With a mop.

Why do cows huddle together when it rains?

To keep each udder dry


Courtesy of my significant other

Rain drop, drop top....

Mariah Carey's career ended before the ball dropped.

Cigarettes in the rain

Two old ladies were sitting out in front of a nursing home smoking, when all of the sudden it began to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut the tip off and slid it over her cigarette and continued smoking.

*Lady 2*: "What in the world is that?"

*Lady 1*: "A condom."
...

why is rain the best kind of music?

because it has amazing drops.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Rainy Day.

A woman invites her boyfriend to her house for dinner.
She tells him "Come over for dinner, but just know, there's a huge fight going on at home about who's going to do the dishes, and the dishes haven't been done for like, 20 days. And we've made a pact that the first person to speak in the hou...

Always leave the top down in a convertible, even in the rain

Worst case scenario, you get to use the car pool lane.

Purchasing a rain barrel often leads to buying more water collecting devices

I guess you could say a rain barrel is a gateway jug.

(Modified from a story heard on NPR) : )

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy was lost in the rain one night..

.. And he really needed to find a place to spend at night. He sighted a lone house through his car window and knocked on the door.

An old lady opened it for him and the guy asked for accommodation for the night. The old lady said, "OK son, but will you mind if you'll have to share the bed wit...

So, a guy runs a red light in the pouring rain, right in front of a cop...

Cop says "What's wrong with you? Didn't you see me?"

Guy says, "Yeah, I just wanted you to have to get out of your car in the rain..."

Why does it always seem to rain on Valentine's Day?

So the boys are as wet as everyone else, come evening.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What does your mom and a rain forest have in common?

If you look deep enough in the bush, you might find a cockatoo.