Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box...

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!" He slams the
door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is p...

Whenever it rains, my wife just sits at the window looking all sad

Maybe I should let her inside

I think my wife is starting to get depressed with all this rain we’re getting. Everyday, I see her at the window with a sad look on her face.

If it gets any worse I might have to let her back inside.

A young girl runs under a church awning to escape the rain.

"Wow, it's really pouring sky buckets out here!" she yells to the priest greeting visitors.

Before he can respond, the sky releases a torrential downpour, as if a thousand firehoses opened up from the clouds.

"Whoa! Now it's *really* raining cats and dogs!" she exclaims. Suddenly, a c...

If you like Pina Coladas and getting caught in the rain...

Getting drunk in the shower would save a lot of time.

Two elderly women are walking down the street smoking cigarettes and it begins to rain

One of the elderly ladies puts her cigarette out and the other woman goes into her purse and pulls out a condom and a pair of scissors. She unwraps the condom and cuts it in half with the scissors. She takes the closed end of it, places it over her cigarette to stay dry and continues smoking.
...

Did you hear about the Irishman who gets wet every time it rains?

Paddy O’ Furniture

What did the little girls ribbon become in the rain

A rainbow

Props to the rain

It gets all the girls wet

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A few originals (hopefully) by me.

I read an article the other day that said women named Rachel are 10x more likely to get pulled over by the police...

Another terrible example of Rachel profiling.


_______


What do you call a dinosaur that is attempting to get his girlfriend to try new things in the bedr...

Why do people run from the rain while they go willingly under the shower?

Consent

Two old ladies are sitting on a park bench smoking cigarettes when it starts to rain

One of the ladies reaches into her purse and pulls out a condom.

"Helen! What in the world is that for?!" says the other lady.

"Well, just watch this" Helen says before she cuts off the end and puts it over her cigarette. "This way they don't get soggy!"

The second old lady is p...

I just helped a poor old lady up off the floor after she had slipped in the rain.

Well, I presume she's poor, she only had £2.57 in her purse.

What country gets the exact same rain that falls on England?

Uk-raine

A man and his wife are arguing, the man says it's going to rain, the woman says it isn't.

"Let's ask Rudolph, the communist police officer"says the man

"It might, the sky is pretty cloudy" says the policeman

The man turns to his wife and says:
"See, Rudolph the red knows rain, dear"

Where does rain go to get a ride.

The precipistation.

Why is a spring rain like your ex-boyfriend??

Why is a spring rain like your ex-boyfriend??



It doesn’t last long and barely gets you wet!

If somebody says you're right as rain,

does that mean you're all wet?

Since Vampires are supposedly hurt by holy water, I always wondered why priests don't just say a prayer over every storm cloud, kill the vampires from above. Then I realized why so many Vampires are from Europe...

Someone already blessed the rains down in Africa

Why are the people who flew from Spain always dry, even if it was raining there?

Because the rain in Spain stays mainly in the plane.

(My grandpa who passed away last year, famous joke) Why should you always keep your tools out of the rain?

Because nobody likes a rusty hoe

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm sexually attracted to the rain.

It just makes me so wet.

Have you ever got hit by frozen rain before?

It hurts like hail.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man takes a taxi in the pouring rain...

He tells the driver to head for the airport, shaking water off his hat and fanning his coat to get some more off the whole time. It is then, halfway through the drive, that he notices he's forgotten his wallet. He frantically searches his pockets, but all he finds is a 20 dollar bill.

He asks...

When it's sunny, I think, beer garden! When it rains, I usually go to the bar for a while. When it's snowing, I like to sit in front of the TV with a case of beer.

I'm starting to think I have a problem with the weather…

What does a ghost wear when it rains?

Boooooooooooots

My marriage is over.

I loved my wife Lorraine in the beginning, but for the longest time I've had a crush on my friend Claire-Lee Robins, who I know feels the same way about me. Eventually Lorraine found out about my secretive feelings, and just like that, she packed her bags and left.

I do feel bad about it all....

Why does a shower feel good but rain feels bad?

Consent

How do you get Donald Trump to visit a memorial in the rain?

Tell him the forecasts predict golden showers.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Saw a dwarf waiting at a bus stop in the rain

"Jump in", I yelled, "I'll give you a lift home". "Fuck off!", he shouted back. 'What an ungrateful bastard' I thought as I zipped up my backpack and kept on walking.

Why can you see the LGBT colours in the sky after it rains?

Because the sun just came out.

i bless the rains down in

ah frick... uh... i forget the words guys

What did the rain and the snow get when they lost the race?

Precipitation trophies.

What do you call a calf in the rain?

*A moist cowlette!*

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I did the math on Hurricane Florence rain fall...

There is predicted to be 17 Trillion gallons of rain falling from Florence.

The width of a milk jug is 5.5"

Rain x Width = 93 Trillion inches

93 Trillion divided by 12 gets you 7,791,666,666,666 Feet

Divided by 5280

1,475,694,444 Miles

Divided by 93,000,000 ...

What happens when it rains cats and dogs?

You can step in a poodle.....

The sky above looked ominous, so I asked Siri, "Surely, it's not going to rain again today?!"

It replied, "It is and don't call me Shirley!"

Guess I forgot to take my phone off Airplane mode…

Why didn't Donald Trump address the Veterans in the rain?

Have you ever seen what happens to cotton candy when it gets wet?

What Pokèmon blesses the rains down in Africa?

Totodile

Everyone is on Trump for avoiding the WWI Memorial because of rain, but it was really Melania who didn’t want to go.

She doesn’t remember what it’s like to be wet.

Why don't Native Americans like to do rain dances in April anymore?

April showers bring Mayflowers.

An Irishman sees an old man standing in the rain outside of a pub...

As the man gets closer he notices that the old man has a stick in his hand with a piece of string on it, and is waving it around in a puddle.

The man feels bad for the old codger and offers to buy him a pint.

"thank you!" replies the old man, and the two walk inside the pub.
As they...

Rain and Rome are close friends

They both like to fall

There was a lady with 3 sons, named Rain, Snow and Brick

Rain asked his mom, “Why is my name ‘Rain’?”
“Because a raindrop fell on your head when you were born.”
Then Snow asked his mom, “Why is my name ‘Snow’?”
“Because a snowflake fell on your head when you were born.”
Then Brick asked his mom, “NYANYANYANYA”

Three dinosaurs stumble across a magic lamp.

They rub it, and a genie appears.

"I have three wishes, so I'll give one to each of you," the genie announces.

The first dinosaur thinks hard.

"Alright," he says, "I'll have a big, juicy, piece of meat."

Instantly, the biggest, juiciest piece of meat he'd ever seen appear...

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TIL that, by law, you have to turn your headlights on when it's raining in Sweden.

Who the fuck's going to let me know when it's raining in Sweden?

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My girlfriend came through the front door and moaned, "I had to walk home in the rain and now I'm really wet!"

I replied, "You get turned on by the weirdest shit…"

Jesus walks into a hotel during the terrible rain storm

He puts three Nails on the front desk and says can you put me up for the night?

When does it rain money?

When there is "change" in the weather

Two old ladies were outside smoking one day when it started to rain…

One of the ladies took out a condom, cut off the tip and put it over her cigarette.

The other lady said, "Hey, that's a good idea.
What's that called?"

The lady responded, "It's a condom."

The other lady said, "Where can I get one of those?"

She said, "Oh, just about...

Joke from my childhood: “I hope the rain keeps up...”

“...That way it won’t keep coming down!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Rain is like the Vagina......

When it's wet, It's time to go inside.

The smell of rain

Every loves the smell of rain. So fresh, so clean. But in actuality you can’t actually smell rain. What you smell is the world around you.

Way back in the day humans used to have to actually hunt their food. So if you were chasing down a deer and it started to rain you could easily lose the ...

My notebook got wet in the rain and I lost most of my school assignments.

On a side note, I still managed to save a few of them.

A Couple is Walking in East Berlin on Christmas Eve...

A couple is walking in East Berlin on Christmas Eve. They feel a slight precipitation.

"I think it's raining," says the man.

"No, it's snowing," replies the woman.

"How about we ask this Communist officer here? He is always right!" exclaims the main. "Officer Rudolph, is it rain...

Two guys are walking in the rain

A speeding car splashes them with water before disappearing.

One guy says to the other, “You know if this was Paris, they would stop, take you to their house, take your wet clothes, offer you drinks, and let you spend the night.”

“No way!” says the other guy.

“Yes way,” says the...

I was eating soup one day outside my favorite restaurant and it started raining..

Took me hours to finish my meal.

I screwed up the scene in the movie where I walked through an incredibly light rain.

It was a mist take.

A lad was on his way to visit his friend. Whilst driving, his car broke down and it began to rain so heavily, he couldn’t see his own hands in front of him. (Halloween super scary story)

**this super scary story as told me to be last night by an Irish dude**

He walked for as long as he could, but the rain became too much to bear. He found a tree and stood beneath it, waiting for a car.
Hours went by, and he was beginning to give up hope. It was a quiet road indeed that ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was on my way to work when I saw a dwarf standing at a bus stop in the rain

“Do you wanna hop in mate?” I asked.

“Piss off” he replied.

“Suit yourself” I said, as I zipped up my backpack.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After Noah led the animals onto the ark, it started to rain

After Noah led the animals onto the ark, two by two, it started to rain for 40 days and 40 nights. After the 15th day, with all the animals cooped up together with no designated toilet area, the ark began to smell. So Noah, being a wise old Noah, decided to set up a designated shitting area at the b...

During a drought, a farmer remembers hearing about a native tribe who's rain dance is said to work every time...

so the next day he gets in his pickup and heads out to visit the tribes chief.

When he gets there he asks if the tribe would be able to preform a rain dance for him.

"Yes, we can call the spirits of water with our dance, but first I must gather the tribe, and my son is two states away ...

A woman was having an affair while her husband was at work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband’s car pull into the driveway.

“Oh My God – Hurry! Grab your clothes,” she yelled to her lover. “And jump out the window. My husband’s home early!”

I can’t jump out the window. It’s raining out there.

If my husband catches us in here, he’ll kill us both, she replied.

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs ...

Two Old Ladies go out for a smoke in the rain

As they're smoking, Old Lady 1 takes out a condom, cuts off the end, and puts it over her cigarette. Old Lady 2 looks at her and, realizing what a good idea it is, asks "hey where'd you get that."

"The Pharmacy, you can get a huge box of em down there."

The next day, Old Lady 2 goes i...

Why don't ghosts go out in the rain?

It dampens their spirits

A man was on a hike with his best friend.

They’re walking up a hill, talking about what had happened during their childhood. About halfway through the height, the man spots a purple flower out of the corner of his eye. He goes over to it and picks it up. He turns to his friend and says,
“Hey, look! A purple flower!”

His friends ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My hot neighbor wanted to have sex all night long...

She's single . . . She lives right across the street. I can see her house from my living room. I watched as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street in the rain and up my driveway. She knocked on my door . . . I rushed to open it. She looked at me, and s...

I love the look on people's faces, standing soaked in the rain at the bus stop as I drive past.

It's partly why I became a bus driver.

My family and I were at a friend's house for a barbecue when it started to rain.

Our son commented, "The rain is wet."
My friend laughed and said, "Wow, talk about stating the obvious!"
"He's always doing that," my wife said. "I don't know who he gets it from..." she laughed, pointing in my direction.
After a few seconds, I turned to my friend and said, "He gets i...

What do “rain” and “reign” have in common?

Before they end, both fall and cause a huge mess.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This sub Reddit is like rain on a mountain

We don't know where it's going but it's going downhill fucking fast

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A boy grows up with an outhouse...

He's in bed one night and thinks to himself,

"This is bullshit! It's 2016, we're the only ones with an outhouse!

Once it rains and the river floods some, I'm pushing it in."

The boy wakes up for school the next morning and see that it rained a bit, enough for the river to rise ...

"Dad, why did you name me Rain?"

Dad: "Because rain was the first thing that fell on you"

Rain: "Oh, I never knew that. Is that why my sister is named Snow as well?"

Dad: "Yes, you are absolutely right"

*a baby cries in the corner*

Dad: Shut up Brick!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A backpacker is traveling through Ireland when it starts to rain.

A backpacker is traveling through Ireland when it starts to rain. He decides to wait out the storm in a nearby pub. The only other person at the bar is an older man staring at his drink. After a few moments of silence the man turns to the backpacker and says in a thick Irish accent:

"You see ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A LONG ONE( but worth it): One wet, cold morning...

A bus driver was just starting along his route. It was still dark and raining and the temperature hovered just above freezing.

As he approached the first stop on his route he could see some poor soul laying on the bench. He stopped the bus, opened the doors and called out to the soaking wet p...

what do you call a bear that's been in the rain too long

a drizzly bear

Rain Rain Go Away

That's what all my haters say.
-cumulonimbus clouds probably

My half Native American friend Les tried to teach me to rain dance, but we could only ever muster a light mist...

I guess I'm just going to have to make dew with Les.

Praying for salvation...

One rainy day, a very religious woman was standing on her front porch watching as the river across the street started to rise up its banks. A policeman drove down the road and saw her, pulled his cruiser up her drive, and got out.

"Excuse me miss," he called over to the woman, "but the rains ...

It's been raining so hard this week I think I need an Ark

It's OK, I Noah guy

Cheap pastor

A cheap pastor had a church with significant need of a paint job. The estimate calls for 100 gallons of white latex paint but he decided to buy only one 20 gallon can he knows latex paint can be thinned with water. So he diluted 1:1 and it still coats and looks white. So he dilutes again to stret...

When i was 5 i thought the rain was god peeing

How silly childish ideas can be...thinking god exists

Rain or Snow

A husband and wife went on vacation to St Petersburg. One night they were there, precipitation fell from the sky.

"Oh look, it's snowing!" said the wife.
"No, that's rain," the husband argued.

Unable to settle if it was raining or snowing, they decided to ask the first person they s...

What do you call Tatooine rain on a hot day?

Lukewarm Skywater

My kettle sounds like thunder and rain.

I think a storm is brewing.

There once was a young engineer, who having worked for several years, decided that he and his family should have a weekend getaway place.

He searched the surrounding country, and found a lovely spot with frontage on a small river. They built a cabin, and began spending time there every chance they got. The kids loved it, and friends came for the quiet and fishing.

The engineer, however, wanted something unique for his cabin. He...

Always trust the soviet weather man.

A couple were visiting an art gallery in soviet St. Petersburg when they looked out of the window and saw the weather starting to look quite cloudy. The wife turned to her husband and said "We should get back to the hotel,I think its going to snow!" Before her husband could reply their tour guide le...

Why do people carry umbrellas when it rains?

Because umbrellas can't walk. Ba'dum tssss

What is Irish and sits out in the rain?

Patty O'Furniture

The bar on the cliff

A man is on a walk by the coast in terrible weather, and ducks into a bar that is situated at the top of a cliff overlooking the sea to escape the rain and the wind.

He sits at the bar and orders a whiskey, and strikes up a conversation with an old man at the bar. The men talk for a couple o...

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