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Sauna Jokes

My girlfriend gave me a handjob in the sauna.

I got a heat stroke.

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Two old men are about to get in the sauna at the health club

One of them says, “I’ve gotten so fat I can’t even see my dick anymore.” The other asks, “Why don’t you diet?” The first guy exclaims, “Dye it? Shit what color is it now?!”

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A famous magician and a guy meet in a sauna

Guy: "Are you not \[famous magician\]"

Magician: "Yes I am"

Guy: "Can you show me a trick?"

Magician: "Okay, turn around, I will put my thumb in your butt"

Guy turns around.

Magician: "Do you feel it?"

Guy: "Yes"

Magician holds up his 2 thumbs: "I ha...

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ONE GERMAN, ONE JAPANESE AND A HILLBILLY WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA.

Suddenly, there was a beeping sound. The German pressed her forearm and the beeping stopped. The others looked at her questionly.

"That was my pager," she said. " I have a microchip implanted under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later, a phone rang. The Japanese woman lifted her...

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony

On his first day there, he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, 'Did you call for me?'

The man replies, 'No, what do you mean?'

...

Whenever I go to a sauna, I must have the whole thing to my self...

I have selfish steam issues.

What do you call a discount sauna?

A steam sale

What did the pig say to the other pig in the sauna?

Man I'm bacon here.

Two kids go to a sauna

When they are inside they see a fat man and one of the kids asks: "why is your belly so big?"
the man smiles and then replies: "because there is a bomb inside." Then the other kid takes a good look at the man and says to his friend in a scared voice: "we need to go right now."
The first kid re...

Two men are sitting in a sauna after a workout. “I’ll be honest, my wife really is an angel.”

“You’re lucky,” the second man answers, wiping the sweat from his brow. “My wife is still alive.”

If you find it hard to take pictures of yourself in the sauna...

You have selfie-steam issues.

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Pedro is sitting in a sauna with two other men...

...when suddenly, a jingle goes off.

One of the guys make a telephone symbol with his hand, brings his hand up to his ear, then begins a conversation directly into it.

When he's finished, Pedro says, "whoa man, what was that?!"

"Ah, that's the newest technology," replied the m...

Only at the sauna.

(translated from Russian.)

after the marriage Lucy asks her new husband:

Lucy: Darling now that we are married, Will you start drinking again?

James: Don't worry my love, I promise I will only drink on special occasions and at the sauna.

Lucy: Oh my, im so relived to hear...

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A man is discovered dead in a public sauna with his son.

After close examination, the coroner informs the detective that the man apparently died from bleeding profusely from his genitals after they were brutally mutilated. As the little boy was the only person in the room with the man at the time, the son is interviewed by the detective.

"Son, I kn...

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(NSFW) There was a fire in a women's sauna..

So all the women start running out screaming. The men are standing around watching while their wives try to cover their private parts. Then out of nowhere one man yells out
"Honey, all pussies look the same, cover your face instead!"

What do you call a group of coma patients in a sauna?

Steamed vegetables

Pope in Hotel

The Pope is on a "business trip".

In the hotel,he asked his secretary if the hotel had a sauna, and the secretary confirmed.

The pope says: "ok, let's go to the sauna."

The secretary is shocked, "Your Holiness, it's a mixed sauna!"

Pope: "Since when are you afraid of Prot...

Why does Hannibal take paralysed patients to the sauna?

He's just steaming vegetables!

So i went to a spa the other week and had a sauna for the first time so I'm sat there with 15 other naked men sweating then...

I burnt my mouth on the ladle trying to get a drink..

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An american is on vacation in Finland

He goes to a sauna, and notices a mans penis.

"I see you are circumcised"

The man replies.
"No, in finland this is just wear and tear"

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Social experiment

Social researchers from Oxford devised an experiment to place three men from diverse cultures on an otherwise deserted island. They decided on one man from France, one from Germany, and one from Japan.

The German was told he is in charge of shelter, the Frenchman was put in charge of meals, a...

I used to love farting in lifts.

Until I discovered saunas.

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A grim man enters an otolaryngologist's cabinet and whips out his penis... ...and it's all bluish and visibly not okay. The doctor, shocked: "You're in the wrong cabinet, you need to see the urologist!"

"No," says man. "The thing is, me and my friends go to a sauna once a month..."

"Ah, so then you'll need a dermatologist if it's caused by an STD" - interrupts the doctor.

"..and we play this reaction game called "Oof!" when we all whip out dicks and put them on a round table, music pl...

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A new young monk comes to the monastery.

A new young monk comes to the monastery. An elderly monk shows him around the monastery and says:

- There's a library here. You can use it whenever you like, except Thursday.

They go to the sauna.

- This is our sauna. You can use it whenever you like, except Thursday.

The...

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A German, a Texan, and a Japanese man are all relaxing in a sauna, completely naked

They sit in silence, until a loud beep is heard. The German steps out of the sauna and returns a few moments later.

"What was that?" the Texan asks.

"I have had a beeper installed in my arm. We Germans are a very advanced country, you know."
The Texan smiles and nods. A few minutes...

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Physics exam…

My english is not the best but i hope yall understand:

20 Students had their final physics exam. There was one teacher in a room where he tested them each with one question that was always the same.

So the first student walks into the room and the teacher asks him: Youre in a Train and...

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NSFW NSFL A dude want to grow a big one

While visiting a nude sauna, man#1 notices another man with probe down to his knees. Amazed and shocked, decided to ask or advice.

How did you get it so long?
Well... you tie a 5lbs weight to it and wait a week.

In a week there is no improvement. Dude decides to tie a 5 gallon buck...

2 finnish man are stranded on an Island

What will they do to to get of the Island?

Nothing. They will build a sauna, find a way to make whisky, there will be silence except occasional finnish swearing

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A man goes to the pharmacists and asks for 3 1/2 Viagra pills

A man goes to the pharmacist and asks for 3 1/2 Viagra pills.

The pharmacist is confused and asks “why 3 1/2?”

The man responds. "Well, Monday I am going to see my mistress and I need two. I need one for Wednesday with my wife. And on Friday, I am going to the sauna and it just needs ...

the American and the Finn

An american is talking to his firend. He tells his friend that he found out he has Finnic roots, and that he went on holiday to visit his far relative.

the friend: So, was your holiday fun?

The american: Yes, but i was scammed out of a thousand dollars!

the friend: How come? You...

Do you know why is Santa Clause is jolly all the time?

Because he knows where all the naughty girls are.

Which is a good thing because he only comes once a year.


*Heard this from an old white guy in the sauna today lol.*

The seven dwarves

The seven dwarves were sitting in a sauna feeling happy so happy got up and left

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The Naked Spa

An old man decided to pay a Naked Spa a visit. After registering for a new membership and changing into his birthday suit, he decided to take a walk around the place all naked and stuff.

Along the way, he saw a young naked woman which gave him a boner. The woman noticed him, so she walked ove...

Self esteem is…

…what happens when Jose and Pedro build their own sauna.

Getting a second opinion

Heard this one at my local sauna (remove if duplicate):


An older woman sees her doctor for her annual checkup.

Doctor: ‘I’m afraid you suffer from obesity. We should think about a treatment plan.’

Woman: ‘That’s outrageous, I want a second opinion!’

Doctor: “Well, sin...

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Doc, could I have some Viagra?

An old man goes to the Doc:

“Doc, could I have two and a half Viagra pills?” The Doc hands the old man two and a half Viagra pills: “Sure!”

The next day, the old man again requires two and a half Viagra pills. And again, the Doc gives the man two and a half Viagra pills.

When t...

A lady gives herself a treat for her 7pth birthday

A lady decided to give herself a treat for her 70th birthday by staying overnight in an expensive hotel.
When she checked out next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $500.
She exploded, demanding to know why the charge was so high.
The clerk told her $500 was the standard rate. S...

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You really oughtta diet...

A morbidly obese man decided it was time to lose some weight, so he joined a health spa...

He gets to the spa and starts out on the treadmill, jogs around the gym a couple times, swims a couple laps in the pool, sweats for a half hour or so in the sauna, and finishes off with a shower.
...

After a long day of travelling, a husband and wife decide to stay in the nearest hotel.

They go straight to bed and are almost immediately sound asleep. The next morning, they wake up and ask for their bill.

"That'll be $300 each," said the manager.

"WHAT?! Why so expensive?!" demanded the husband, outraged.

"Well, there was the car valet, the swimming pool, the sa...

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Heard on the Underground

A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers...
1) "Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cro...

Tim was a fan of tractors all his life...

When he was young he had a tractor bed spread, toys and posters. He would tell all his friends at school of the latest tractor models being made and loved them more than anything. The years went by and eventually Tim was old enough to drive a tractor and so for his birthday his parents took him down...

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