What's the difference between toilet paper and toast?

Toast is brown on both sides.

Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road?

It got stuck in a crack

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do toilet paper and The Starship Enterprise have in common?

They both circle Uranus looking for Klingons

Everyone's stockpiling toilet paper again

I'm so desperate for toilet roll, I gave the neighbourhood kids the middle finger in the hope they TP my house.

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Why can't you use the Daily Mail as toilet paper?

Because it's already covered in shit.

I was trying to survive in the woods when I realized I ran out of toilet paper.

So I took a leaf out of Bear Grills’ book.

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Why is school toilet paper referred to as John Wayne?

Because it's rough, tough and won't take shit off anyone

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Cardboard is a lot like 1-ply toilet paper. It's not really good at absorbing,

But it's really good at moving shit around.

Why did the toilet paper roll down hill?

To get to the bottom

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It was no wonder there was a toilet paper shortage.

Given the number of assholes in the country.

When I’m about to run out of toilet paper I always bring two new rolls to the bathroom

an heir and a spare for the throne!

I ran out of toilet paper so I started using old newspapers

The Times are rough

"Do you know the difference between toilet paper and a shower curtain?"

"No.."
"Hey, everybody! I found the guy!"

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Life is like a toilet paper

You're either on a roll or taking shit from someone

Just recalling the great toilet paper shortage and my Walmart experience.

I couldnt find toilet paper anywhere at Walmart, so I finally found an associate wearing the signature yellow vest, and asked, " Is there toilet paper anywhere in this store?"

She looked me up and down and said, "We've been out of toilet paper for over a week."

Imagine my embarrassment...

I ran out of toilet paper last week and can't afford to buy more till I get paid next week, so I started using the newspapers. Now the realisation has kicked in......

......... The Times are really Rough!!!

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Did you hear about the guy who mixed up sandpaper and toilet paper?

His woodworking looked like shit.

I asked Arnold Schwarzenegger where the toilet paper was

He said “Aisle B, back.”

We were so poor that all we had for toilet paper was a calendar...



Now those days are behind me.

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I prefer to clean my glasses with toilet paper...

I get more shit off them that way.


I’ll see myself out.

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It was revealing when Americans bought toilet paper at the start of the COVID-19 Crisis

It goes to show in the midst of a worldwide pandemic, The Average American only cares about his own ass.

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Why did the duck need toilet paper?

For his butt quack

I ran out of toilet paper

and started using lettuce leaves. Today was just the tip of the iceberg, tomorrow romaines to be seen.

Fun Fact, in the country I was born we really used leaves as toilet paper

All this panic buying has led me to using alternative methods for toilet paper...

Last week was tree leaves this week it's lettuce. And that's just the tip of the iceberg!

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I told my friend that sometimes after you go to the bathroom, you can wipe yourself and the toilet paper comes up completely clean

He said “no shit”

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Why are we running out of toilet paper?

Cos when 1 person sneezes a 100 people shit themselves.

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It all started with a bat. Then toilet paper. Now we’re going nuts in quarantine.

We really have gone bat, shit, crazy.

Why didn't the toilet paper finish the race?

Because it was wiped out

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I made a huge breakthrough in toilet paper technology this morning

So now I have to wash the crap off my fingers

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To prevent the spread of germs, people have been told to sneeze into their upper arm. Instead, people have been stockpiling toilet paper.

This upholds the long standing belief that too many people don't know their arse from their elbow.

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People are hoarding toilet paper because their assholes

damn, i always mix up their and they're

Someone needs to start selling toilet paper infused with CBD oil

To calm all your asses down

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When the 2020 lockdowns started, people bought all the toilet paper for their assholes

Well, that's what the claimed. They actually bought it for they're assholes.

First, we bought toilet paper for a respiratory virus because we lack common sense.

Now, we have a nationwide coin shortage, which means we lack common cents!

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Chuck Norris doesn't hoard toilet paper.

He's used the same napkin since 1974.
He just scares the shit out of it.

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During the toilet paper shortage of the pandemic I found out a way to massively save money on toilet paper

Firstly I bought a bidet add-on kit for my toilet. But the biggest impact on my toilet paper usage has been that I just quit giving a shit.

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People in Asia hoarded rice, people in Europe hoarded flour, people in America hoarded toilet paper

Conclusion: Americans eat toilet paper.

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Another toilet paper run. Hoarders fighting in the store. I’ve finally had enough. I’ve been buying dryer sheets...

My butt smells like lavender, there’s no more static electricity,...

And my old ass, for the first time in many years is wrinkle free!



(Credit Gail Thomas, Grandma’s Funnies)

What happens when the world runs out of toilet paper.

Depends.

With the rising toilet paper crisis

Does anyone know where to buy 3 premium seashells

Shortages of toilet paper are starting to occur, as panic buying sets in again, due to the COVID-19 pandemic. Please don't buy more than is absolutely necessary.

Fortunately, the 24,490 rolls we stocked up on should last us thru the rest of the pandemic.

Dark humor is like toilet paper

Not everyone gets it

What's the difference between toilet paper and curtains?

If you can't tell the difference, you will never be invited to my house.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why was toilet paper in the Soviet Union really coarse and more like sandpaper?

So every asshole would turn red.

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I just saw a woman leaving the supermarket with a lot of booze and toilet paper

She's gonna laugh the shit out of her

I just found out why people are buying so much toilet paper.

An asteroid might hit earth in 2020. Paper beats rock.

Why are Australians stocking up on toilet paper in response to Coronavirus?

They think it will have a major impact down under.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If I ever catch a toilet paper hoarder

I’ll ask them to explain themselves but all their reasons will be shit.

Worried about toilet paper shortage?

Don't worry. You don't have food - you don't need toilet paper.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife and I are home quarantined for two weeks. Fortunately, we hoarded lots of toilet paper.

Time for some roll playing games.

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I've been trying to understand all the toilet paper panic buying.

I think I got it.
One guy coughs and a 100 people lose their shit.

What's the difference between a shower curtain and toilet paper?

If you said "I don't know," click here:



>!So you're the idiot that ruined my shower curtain!!!!!<

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Everyone is freaking out and hoarding toilet paper but I’m thinking 12 year ahead...

And hoarding shells.

The toilet paper issue reminds me of a joke

When the white man first arrived to North America and set up camp, they weren't sure what to expect for their first winter. So, one man decided to chop a bunch of wood so it would be handy.

After befriending some nearby natives, he asked how cold the winters got. The native said, "Its going t...

I went to CVS to get toilet paper and they ran out because of the virus.

So I bought a candy bar and the receipt gave me enough to last for weeks.

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Good news! I read that people aren't hoarding toilet paper anymore,

Guess we wiped out that tissue, I mean, issue.

What's the difference between 4-layer toilet paper and a liberal arts major?

You don't find 4-layer toilet paper at McDonalds!

I brought my lady friend some toilet paper yesterday.

It's clear she finally found her Prince Charmin.

Someone toilet papered my house last night

Now it’s worth $875,000

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I have uncovered the human psychology behind all this toilet paper hoarding...

That’s just how we roll...

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I cringed as my finger tore through the toilet paper,

And i felt the warmth of fresh shit under my finger nail.


Sometimes i really hate my job and this damn nursing home.

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I am going to start a business selling toilet paper by the sheet,

I am trying to decide whether to call it "SheetLoad" or "ButtCoin."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bear and a Rabbit talking about the toilet paper shortage,...

The bear says, "It sucks being out of toilet paper. Do you have a problem with crap sticking to your fur?

The rabbit says, "No, not really."

The bear says, "Thanks", and wipes his ass with the rabbit.

Did you hear the one about toilet paper?

Second thoughts it's tearable

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At work we were all out of toilet paper. A co-worker suggested I use a dollar.I ended up with shit all over my hand and half way up my arm...

Well, you try wiping with three quarters two dimes and a nickel

What do you say to an Aussie that ran out of toilet paper?

B'day mate.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend hoarded five pallets of toilet paper rolls but ran out of money for food and medicine. Then he says “I wonder if toilet paper is edible?”...

Ass King for a friend...

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People are hating on me for buying all this toilet paper.

But how else am I going to get through 50 jerk offs a day during the quarantine without it?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do I feel about people hoarding toilet paper? Well on the the one hand

I have shit because I couldn’t buy toilet paper

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My buddy just said: "I really don't get this toilet paper thing. I mean, how could they even eat so much, that it'd be necessary to take that many dumps?"

I replied: "Yeah, I know, goddamned wankers"

I was going to make a joke about toilet paper

but most of you probably wouldn't get it

The solution to the toilet paper shortage is the same as the solution to a crossword puzzle.

One square at a time.

I can't believe I pay so much money per year for toilet paper

It's a total rip-off.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm surprised stores are out of toilet paper and not laundry detergent..

The whole world has been shitting themselves for weeks..

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

People hoarding toilet paper made me realize something

There are a lot more assholes around me than I thought

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a lobster with four packs of toilet paper?

A shellfish bastard.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call the little pieces of toilet paper that stick to ladies underwear?

clitty litter

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Politicians are like toilet paper

One minute crowds chasing them.

Then they get elected.

Next thing, people would rather put them on their butthole.

My work replaced our regular toilet paper with single ply. Everybody hates it...

...Its really tearable.

.

.

part credit to Amb_33 (thanks).

I just traded four rolls of toilet paper and a package of baby wipes for a 2017 Maserati.

I am going to miss that car.

How much toilet paper you have now determines your social status

How Charmin

A man goes to target to buy toilet paper

"$20 bucks?", he vents to the red-shirt sales associate, "That's outrageous! The Wal*Mart across the street sells it for $10 a pack!". "Well, why don't you buy it there?", the associate inquired. "Because they're all out!"

Drug cartels have been turning to toilet paper instead of narcotics for profits

I guess you can say the crack has been wiped out clean.

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Why is it worse for trappers when they run out of toilet paper?

They have to wipe their butts with their bear hands.

Our Boss has locked all toilet paper away in the company safe.

If you need to go to the toilet you have to get a dollar note from the cash register.

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