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Toilet Paper Jokes

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It was revealing when Americans bought toilet paper at the start of the COVID-19 Crisis

It goes to show in the midst of a worldwide pandemic, The Average American only cares about his own ass.

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Life is a lot like toilet paper.

You're either on a roll.....or you're taking shit from some asshole.

Son: "Dad, what's the difference between toilet paper and a curtain?" Dad: "I don't know."

Son: "So it was you."

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A man goes to a new store to get some toilet paper

He approaches the clerk and asks are there any brands he recommends.

"Why yes sir! I make all my own products and we've something to suit everybody. This one I call Bob Ross"

"Why have you named it that?"

"Cos it's so gentle your ass will feel so relaxed and nice afterwards sir...

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Just realised the cost of my toilet paper has tripled in the last 3-4 years

Shit is getting expensive

Toilet paper...

Whoever it was that invented single ply toilet paper, I'd like to shake his hand.

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Did you hear they're recalling Chuck Norris' new toilet paper?

Apparently, it's rough, tough, and doesn't take crap off anybody.

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What does the star ship enterprise have in common with toilet paper?

They both chase Klingons around Uranus!

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Toilet Paper Miracle

Just found this joke in a pile of my late father’s belongings…

Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror, complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, the husband uncharacteristically comes up with a
su...

Two rolls of toilet paper walked into a bar.

...one ran out.

Success is like toilet paper;

it only seems important when you don’t have it.

‪Q: Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road?‬

A: It got stuck in a crack..

I hate it when my finger rips through the toilet paper while wiping.

It was at this point I quit my job at the nursing home.

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Who cares if toilet paper is soft or not?

Only an asshole can tell the difference anyway.

I ran out of toilet paper so I had to start using old newspapers

The Times are rough

I got some sudoku toilet paper.

Sadly I can't complete it, since I can only fill it with 1's and 2's.

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Why are we running out of toilet paper?

Cos when 1 person sneezes a 100 people shit themselves.

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It was no wonder there was a toilet paper shortage.

Given the number of assholes in the country.

Did you hear about the time Morrissey went to the costume party with a date dressed up as a toilet paper mummy?

He introduced him as 'This Charmin Man'.

Due to rising costs, I stopped using toilet paper. Instead, I'm using newspaper now

Man, The Times are rough.

As part of my path to enlightenment, I buy my toilet paper from the dollar store.

It helps me get in touch with my inner self.

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Who took all of the toilet paper at the store?

Assholes.

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Fancy Toilet paper names

A big chief of a native american tribe had heard of a new invention of the white man called toilet paper, and he wanted to try it out so he sends a runner to a general store in town to buy some. The runner gets to the store and says "Need toilet paper for big chief.", to which the clerk replied, "Wh...

How many teenagers does it take to change a toilet paper roll?

Who knows; it's never happened.

I asked Arnold Schwarzenegger where the toilet paper was

He said “Aisle B, back.”

There is new innovation for single ply toilet paper

It features breakthrough technology

what’s the difference between toilet paper and a shower curtain?

ohhh….so YOU’RE the one!

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People are hoarding toilet paper because their assholes

damn, i always mix up their and they're

Everyone's stockpiling toilet paper again

I'm so desperate for toilet roll, I gave the neighbourhood kids the middle finger in the hope they TP my house.

What's 200 yards long and has an IQ of 40?

The queue to buy toilet paper at Walmart.

The bathroom had no toilet paper, and all I had to use was the money in my pocket.

So I did what had to be done.

It was tough, and a little messy.

But for a clean ass?

it was the best 43 cents i’d ever spent.

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One ply toilet paper is the John Wayne of butt-wipe.

Every roll is the same: square, white, two dimensional, but rough as hell and don't take shit off nobody.

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Chuck Norris doesn't hoard toilet paper.

He's used the same napkin since 1974.
He just scares the shit out of it.

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It all started with a bat. Then toilet paper. Now we’re going nuts in quarantine.

We really have gone bat, shit, crazy.

Someone needs to start selling toilet paper infused with CBD oil

To calm all your asses down

A beautiful woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.

The woman seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," he replied. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, runni...

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Why can't you use the Daily Mail as toilet paper?

Because it's already covered in shit.

Worried about toilet paper shortage?

Don't worry. You don't have food - you don't need toilet paper.

I ran out of toilet paper

and started using lettuce leaves. Today was just the tip of the iceberg, tomorrow romaines to be seen.

Fun Fact, in the country I was born we really used leaves as toilet paper

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I walked into the Urgent Care bathroom and read a sign that said "Nothing other than Toilet Paper in the Toilet"

So I Shit on the floor and flushed the toilet paper.

Dark humor is like toilet paper

Not everyone gets it

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Toilet Paper

A Native American Medicine Man walks into a drugstore one day to buy supplies for his tribe. Having walked to the toilet paper section, the medicine man notices alongside the name brands there was a package of toilet paper that had no logo or anything on it. Inquiring about it, the clerk said that...

What's the difference between 4-layer toilet paper and a liberal arts major?

You don't find 4-layer toilet paper at McDonalds!

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Did you hear about the guy who mixed up sandpaper and toilet paper?

His woodworking looked like shit.

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During the toilet paper shortage of the pandemic I found out a way to massively save money on toilet paper

Firstly I bought a bidet add-on kit for my toilet. But the biggest impact on my toilet paper usage has been that I just quit giving a shit.

Why did the Toilet Paper trip on the door mat?

It ran out.



Courtesy of my six year old nephew !!!

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Cardboard is a lot like 1-ply toilet paper. It's not really good at absorbing,

But it's really good at moving shit around.

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Politicians are like toilet paper

One minute crowds chasing them.

Then they get elected.

Next thing, people would rather put them on their butthole.

With the rising toilet paper crisis

Does anyone know where to buy 3 premium seashells

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To prevent the spread of germs, people have been told to sneeze into their upper arm. Instead, people have been stockpiling toilet paper.

This upholds the long standing belief that too many people don't know their arse from their elbow.

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No toilet paper

Two women walking home drunk had to pee so they went into a graveyard. They had no toilet paper so one woman used her knickers and threw them away. The other used a ribbon from a wreath. The next day their husbands were talking. We'd better keep an eye on our wives, one said, mine came home without ...

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I've been trying to understand all the toilet paper panic buying.

I think I got it.
One guy coughs and a 100 people lose their shit.

I got in touch with my inner self today.

I'm never using cheap toilet paper again.

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The toilet paper crises confirms

that we have far more assholes than we thought.

What happens when the world runs out of toilet paper.

Depends.

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I made a huge breakthrough in toilet paper technology this morning

So now I have to wash the crap off my fingers

Someone toilet papered my house last night

Now it’s worth $875,000

What's the difference between toilet paper and curtains?

If you can't tell the difference, you will never be invited to my house.

The toilet paper issue reminds me of a joke

When the white man first arrived to North America and set up camp, they weren't sure what to expect for their first winter. So, one man decided to chop a bunch of wood so it would be handy.

After befriending some nearby natives, he asked how cold the winters got. The native said, "Its going t...

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