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Pillow Jokes

Never challenge death to a pillow fight

unless you’re ready to face the reaper cushions

I was passing by my son's bedroom and was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, I saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow, addressed to, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, I opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands...

"Dear, Dad.

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.

I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy.

She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of al...

To the person who stole my pillow

I will not rest until I find you!

A Serb, a Croat and a Bosniak are arrested in Iran for drinking alcohol.

The court sentences them to 10 whip lashes each, but everyone is allowed to make a special request beforehand.

First up is the Serb. "I request a pillow strapped on my back!" he says. After 2 lashes it rips apart and his back gets completely torn open.

Second up is the Croat. "I reques...

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I put my phone under my pillow last night.

When I woke up it was gone and there was a $1 coin in it's place.

Fucking Bluetooth Fairy!

I was caught cheating in our pillow fight

They sent me to execushion

Pillow

My memory foam pillow has amnesia.

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Under the pillow

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight.

When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son’s medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.

The son said,

“I don’t think you should take one Dad, they’re very strong and very expensive.”

“How much?” a...

When does it become socially acceptable for adults to build little hideouts out of pillows again?

When they’re in their forties

A British man, a French man and a Spanish man are caught stealing in a foreign country.

They are prosecuted and the judge sentences them all to 100 lashes each. However he wants to look lenient in the eyes of their respective countries so he reduces the lashes to twenty and allows them to have two requests each before being lashed.

The Spanish is first to be lashed and requests...

Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows?

They’re making head lines.

So a German, an Englishman and an Irishman

were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when they were arrested by Saudi police. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so they are all sentenced to death!

However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to app...

Yesterday and today I stuck my hand inside feather pillows.

Is it normal that I'm feeling down?

So I bought a memory foam pillow second-hand

Got it for a good price, all was good until I laid down and it said "who the f@#k are you?"

Why did blonde put a ruler under her pillow?

She wanted to see how long she slept.

I don't understand why women like to have so many pillows on the bed..

You need only one to smother your husband.

Did you hear.. corduroy pillows are making it all over the news lately?

(Really?)

Yeah. They're making lots of headlines

Have you read about the new corduroy pillow cases?

Apparently, they're making headlines all over!

I’m the scientist who just discovered that goose-down pillows are NOT resistant to sulphuric acid.

Although, apparently that’s not what my wife meant when she said we need to “experiment in the bedroom”

I created a poll to see if people preferred pillows stuffed with bird feathers or pillows stuffed with synthetic material.

Synthetic material didn't win. Too many down votes.

A mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl as a roommate.

During his meal, his mother couldn't help but notice
how pretty his roommate was. She had long been
suspicious of a relationship between the two and this
had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening while watching the
two interact, she started to wonder if there's mo...

Don't challenge Death to a pillow fight

Unless you're prepared for the Reaper cushions

Why does the Norwegians put sugar on their pillow?

To have sweet dreams!

Where’s my pillow?

Not at Bed Bath and Beyond

I had my legs propped on a pillow in bed

I turned to my wife and told her I had an erect shin. She asked me if I was really in the mood. I told her to look at my legs.

Pillow fight

The other day I had a pillow fight with Death. I thought I could win but he beat me embarrasingly easily.

I guess I wasn't ready for the reaper cushions.

How soft is Bill Gate's pillow?

Microsoft.

When you have a pillow fight with a memory foam pillow,

that's a pillow fight you'll never forget.

I told my friend to buy a new pillow

He said he'd sleep on it

I asked my Pillow if it wanted a snack

It said “No, thanks I’m stuffed”

A despondent young woman who had lost her job and her house had decided to commit suicide.

She was walking along a bridge across the harbor, getting the nerve to jump in, when a young man saw her.

"Don't do it!" he called out. He looked at her and realized she was incredibly beautiful. He came closer.

"What's wrong?" he asked. The woman told him.

"Okay, here's the thi...

I had a dream about a breath freshener left on my pillow.

I ate it and it tasted like a fig. Then I woke up. Guess it was just a fig mint of my imagination.

An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night.

When he stands up to leave, he falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, but to no avail. Again, he falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside, he stands up and, sure enough, he falls flat on his face. T...

Sometimes my Pillow Talk can get crazy.

But only when it talks back.

A school teacher in Hyderabad was once asked, "Can you make a sentence without using 'E'?"

"I doubt I can. It’s a major part of many many words. Omitting it is as hard as making muffins without flour. It’s as hard as spitting without saliva, napping without a pillow, driving a train without tracks, sailing to Russia without a boat, washing your hands without soap. And, anyway, what would ...

My dog has been humping pillows… I think he learned it from watching me.

I’m just glad he’s still afraid of the vacuum cleaner.

Have you heard about these new corduroy pillows?

They've really been making headlines.

-courtesy of my 8 year old niece.

For those who dare steal Death's pillows..

Prepare yourself for the reaper cushions

Pillow cases are just tiny duvets!

Wake up sheeple, you're living with a pillow sham!

I tried to cheer myself up by having a pillow fight.

Now I feel more down than I did before.

My pillow

I designed my own pillow. The pillow to rule all pillows. The perfect dimensions, the perfect stiffness, the perfect material. I sought the finest fabrics from around the globe and set to work on my grandest creation. It took months, but I finished. The last step was to transport it from the se...

Why did the pillow cross the road?

Because it was cooler on the other side.

Pillow Talk

What does it mean when your wife is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?

You didn't hold the pillow down long enough

There was recently an investigation on a pillow.

It was a pillow case.

Grandpa’s 100th birthday party was not a huge success.

The family wheeled him in his chair out onto the lawn for a picnic. When he slowly started to lean to the right, his daughter stuffed a pillow on his right side to prop him up. A bit later, he started leaning to the left. His son straightened him up and stuffed a pillow on his left side. Soon he sta...

I just invented corduroy pillows

My friends tell me I’m stupid but I think they will make headlines worldwide

A cat died and went to Heaven

A cat died and went to Heaven. God met the animal at the Pearly Gates and said, “You have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking.”

The cat thought for a moment and then said, “All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard, wooden floors… I would like a...

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Has anyone read the book, "Cum Stains on Her Pillow"

By Mr. Completely

Why do some coffins have pillows? They aint gonna wake up with a sore neck

Thats like thinking about what college you want your unvaccinated kid to go to

I used to punch my memory foam pillow whenever I got mad.

Eventually it learned my moves.

Put a spoon under your pillow, cancel school for a day.

Put a bat in your soup, cancel school for a year!

My wife and I had a pillow fight.

The stupid police arrested me saying the term is called ‘smothering’.

I was looking for my pillow while I slept.

Turns out it was right under my nose the whole time.

A pillow warmer is a stupid idea…

Use your head!

I've bought a Linkin Park pillow

It's a place for my head.

I went pillow shopping the other day but I left angry [OC]

The salesman wouldn’t stop talking down to me.

Eat Marshmallow and Digest a Pillow

I dreamt I was forced to eat a giant marshmallow. When I woke up, my pillow was gone.

One time some guy on the street tried to sell me a magical pillow case.

Turns out it was just a sham.

Memory foam pillows are the worst.

As soon as I lay down on them, I start remembering all the things I messed up during the day.

Everybody needs a bosom for a pillow

Mines made of mammary foam

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Why girls don't have willys

Little brother came into the kitchen and declared "mom, now I know why girls don't have willys! They fall off, and I found yours under your pillow"

What is the difference between the tooth fairy and a loan shark?

The first one takes your tooth and leaves money on your pillow, and the second takes your money and leaves your tooth on your pillow.

Why was my other pillow jealous?

Because I like to sleep around.

Customer: I'm just not sure I really want to buy this pillow.

Pillow salesman: Well why don't you sleep on it?

Did you hear about the Corduroy pillows in the news?

They’re making HEAD LINES! (my mom told me this one today after I got home from work)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'

His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'its fart football.'

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...'
...

I went to court after my pillow charged me with resisting a-rest

I lost the case

Was about to throw out my old pillows, then I thought

na, I'll sleep on it.

Why do Pillows work?

Cause they're white

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