UPJOKE
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I don't understand why women like to have so many pillows on the bed..

You need only one to smother your husband.

I used to put my phone under my pillow so I could feel the alarm

Now I just put it in my pants. I've never woken up happier

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I put my mobile phone under my pillow last night.

When I woke up it was gone and there was a $1 coin in its place.

Fucking Bluetooth Fairy!

NEVER start a pillow fight with Death....

Unless your ready to face the Reaper cushions!!!!!!!

Have you heard about corduroy pillows?

They've been making headlines.

After my retirement at the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas...

... she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

She's like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter,...

The Smith family is having a reunion.

The matriarch is a 110 year old woman who is confined to a wheelchair and cannot speak, so she uses a pen and notepad to communicate.

While watching her great grandchildren play, she begins to leeeaaan to the left. So cousin Joe lifts her back up and puts a pillow on her left side. Later she ...

I had my legs propped on a pillow in bed

I turned to my wife and told her I had an erect shin. She asked me if I was really in the mood. I told her to look at my legs.

A cat died and went to Heaven

A cat died and went to Heaven. God met the animal at the Pearly Gates and said, “You have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking.”

The cat thought for a moment and then said, “All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard, wooden floors… I would like a...

"The report"

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.
...

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I think my best friend is shagging my wife

I wouldn't mind, but he keeps leaving his chew toys on the pillow.

My dog has been humping pillows… I think he learned it from watching me.

I’m just glad he’s still afraid of the vacuum cleaner.

I was caught cheating in our pillow fight

They sent me to execushion

Why did blonde put a ruler under her pillow?

She wanted to see how long she slept.

To the person who stole my pillow

I will not rest until I find you!

A politician dies

So a politician dies and ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in yo...

I saw an expensive looking body pillow for sale today

I know some people who would pay a 4-Chan for it

An Irishman was So drunk he couldn't stand up!

An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night. When he stands up to leave, he falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, but to no avail. Again, he falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside, he stands u...

A despondent young woman who had lost her job and her house had decided to commit suicide.

She was walking along a bridge across the harbor, getting the nerve to jump in, when a young man saw her.

"Don't do it!" he called out. He looked at her and realized she was incredibly beautiful. He came closer.

"What's wrong?" he asked. The woman told him.

"Okay, here's the thi...

Mom knows best

A mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl as a roommate. During his meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two and this had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening while wat...

I had a dream about a breath freshener left on my pillow.

I ate it and it tasted like a fig. Then I woke up. Guess it was just a fig mint of my imagination.

So I bought a memory foam pillow second-hand

Got it for a good price, all was good until I laid down and it said "who the f@#k are you?"

I made smothered pork chops for dinner.

Now the pillow I used to cut off oxygen is covered with grease.

I bought one of those memory foam pillows the other day...

... Uh, I forgot what I was going to say about that.

I created a poll to see if people preferred pillows stuffed with bird feathers or pillows stuffed with synthetic material.

Synthetic material didn't win. Too many down votes.

Pillow

My memory foam pillow has amnesia.

Why does the Norwegians put sugar on their pillow?

To have sweet dreams!

An American, An Indian and a Brazilian were arrested in Brazil

A Brazilian judge senteced them to rounds of whipping, but since the judge was merciful he decided to give all three of them one wish

The judge to the american: You're american, i dislike your people, too many guns and you're too fat, what's your wish?

The American: i want a pillow tie...

I told my friend to buy a new pillow

He said he'd sleep on it

Where’s my pillow?

Not at Bed Bath and Beyond

Why do some coffins have pillows? They aint gonna wake up with a sore neck

Thats like thinking about what college you want your unvaccinated kid to go to

The traveling salesmen

Two traveling salesmen were riding together across West Texas when their car began to sputter and cough. Soon, it died completely and they were stranded on the side of a state highway with little traffic.

Fortunately, a pick up truck pulled over to help. The driver was a comely middle aged wo...

I tried to cheer myself up by having a pillow fight.

Now I feel more down than I did before.

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Why don't girls have willys...

A little boy came running into the kitchen an declared, "Mom, now I know why girls don't have willys! They fall off, and I found yours under your pillow."

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Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight.

When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son’s medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.

The son said,

“I don’t think you should take one Dad, they’re very strong and very expensive.”

“How much?” asked Grandpa.

“$10.00 a pill,” answered the son.

...

Sometimes my Pillow Talk can get crazy.

But only when it talks back.

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A man and a woman have sex

They were a little irresponsible and didn't use a condom. After having sex they're in bed doing some pillow talk.

Man: Hey, you don't have any STDs or anything like that right?

Woman: Oh no, I'm clean.

Man: Oh good. I didn't want to catch HIV again.

For those who dare steal Death's pillows..

Prepare yourself for the reaper cushions

One time some guy on the street tried to sell me a magical pillow case.

Turns out it was just a sham.

I asked my Pillow if it wanted a snack

It said “No, thanks I’m stuffed”

I used to punch my memory foam pillow whenever I got mad.

Eventually it learned my moves.

Africans arrested in Saudi Arabia

A Togolese, Nigerian and a Ghanaian were arrested for drinking alcohol in Saudi Arabia.


The three of them were dragged in front of one of the princes, who said:


“You will get 50 lashes for the consumption of alcohol. However, since you are foreigners and did not know about the ...

I thought about buying a pillow from mypillow.com

But then I realized it was *his* pillow

Pillow fight

The other day I had a pillow fight with Death. I thought I could win but he beat me embarrasingly easily.

I guess I wasn't ready for the reaper cushions.

The Chemical

*One day a boy came home from school. when his grandfather saw him and noticed that his index finger was still and did not move. The grandfather asked him: My dear grandson, why is your finger like this? The boy replied: In the chemistry lab, a chemical was spilled on my finger and the school doctor...

There was recently an investigation on a pillow.

It was a pillow case.

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Three climbers were trapped atop a cliff with no way down.

After exhausting any feasible options a genie appeared to them. He said, "I'll help you down, but you must do as I say. One by one, I want you to sprint to the edge and leap off the cliff. When you jump you must speak something, and that is what you will land upon."

The first climber ran to t...

Put a spoon under your pillow, cancel school for a day.

Put a bat in your soup, cancel school for a year!

My wife and I had a pillow fight.

The stupid police arrested me saying the term is called ‘smothering’.

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Has anyone read the book, "Cum Stains on Her Pillow"

By Mr. Completely

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I refuse to have sex unless my girlfriend tries to suffocate me with a pillow.

I'm a smotherfucker.

I went pillow shopping the other day but I left angry [OC]

The salesman wouldn’t stop talking down to me.

I was on my bed, relaxing and eating popcorn, when I noticed my pillow was missing it's pillowcase.

I started looking for it in the darkness of my room(I still had a little bit of light). I saw a blanket-ish shadow in my peripheral vision. I reached for it, thinking it was the pillowcase. However, after pressing down on it and hearing the loud, crinkly noise of a near-empty bag of popcorn, I soon ...

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irish man were captured by a serial killer.

The serial killer said “I will kill you all, but as a final act of kindness I will let you each decide how I will kill you.”

The Englishman accepting his impending death said “I want to die by suffocation, but please make it quick.” So the serial killer picked up a pillow, smothered the face ...

How soft is Bill Gate's pillow?

Microsoft.

I went to court after my pillow charged me with resisting a-rest

I lost the case

Beyonce was just telling me the best way to source product for my new pillow-making side-hustle. I was very surprised when she suggested punching a duck in the face.

I replied - I didn't know you could get down like that.

Why did the pillow cross the road?

Because it was cooler on the other side.

Customer: I'm just not sure I really want to buy this pillow.

Pillow salesman: Well why don't you sleep on it?

Have you heard about these new corduroy pillows?

They've really been making headlines.

-courtesy of my 8 year old niece.

An Australian rugby fan, a South African rugby fan and a New Zealand rugby fan are all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze...

...when Saudi police rush in and arrest them.

The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for consuming the booze they are all sentenced to death. However, after many months and with the help of good lawyers, they are able successfully to appeal their sentences dow...

My pillow

I designed my own pillow. The pillow to rule all pillows. The perfect dimensions, the perfect stiffness, the perfect material. I sought the finest fabrics from around the globe and set to work on my grandest creation. It took months, but I finished. The last step was to transport it from the se...

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A grandpa tells his teen grandson: "I will put 100 dollars under your pillow if you can find me a viagra pill right now". Ten minutes later grandson gives grandpa a viagra pill.

Next morning grandson looks under his pillow and finds 1,100 dollars. He goes to grandpa and says: "Grandpa what happened? Why did you give me 1,000 dollars more?" and grandpa says: "I only gave you 100 dollars. The rest is from your granny"

Well, I know it's childish, but me and my girlfriend have just had a great time having a pillow fight and I won!

The secret is to stuff a few bricks in there..

The Tooth Fairy wasn't too impressed with the dentures I left under my pillow...

...Tooth be trolled.

I fell asleep with my iPhone under my pillow last night and when I woke up, it was gone and replaced with a shiny new silver dollar...

Damn that Blue-Tooth Fairy!

Was about to throw out my old pillows, then I thought

na, I'll sleep on it.

Learnt a horrible lesson last night

Don't keep your life savings under your pillow unless you hate money and love teeth

When you have a pillow fight with a memory foam pillow,

that's a pillow fight you'll never forget.

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An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'

His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'its fart football.'

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...'
...

Memory foam pillows are the worst.

As soon as I lay down on them, I start remembering all the things I messed up during the day.

As we all stood over my grandmother's coffin, my father lifted her head and put a pillow underneath.

"It was...her favourite pillow," wept my mother suddenly.

"That offers her little comfort now," I replied.

I said that all pillows are uncomfortable and my friend slapped me.

He said that’s a very blanket statement to make.

A pillow warmer is a stupid idea…

Use your head!

I just invented corduroy pillows

My friends tell me I’m stupid but I think they will make headlines worldwide

Once, at an all boys summer camp, I dreamed I ate a giant marshmallow, and when I woke up my pillow was gone. But that's not what freaked me out...

...the night before that I dreamed I was in a hotdog eating contest.

I told my wife I can’t find the matching decorative pillow case...

She said it’s a sham.

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A bride-to-be is stressing out over the fact that she’s not a virgin,

but she’s told her future husband she is. She has no idea what to do and is talking to her friends about it, when one of the friends pipes up and says, “Here’s what you do — buy some liver, stick it up there, and everything will be nice and tight and your husband will never know.”

So, the bri...

Did you hear about the Corduroy pillows in the news?

They’re making HEAD LINES! (my mom told me this one today after I got home from work)

Last night, my daughter shouted downstairs, "Dad! My tooth has just fallen out into my drink!" "That's great, darling!" I said. "Put it under your pillow and see what happens."

A few minutes later she shouted, "Nothing's happened dad and now my bed is completely soaked!"

Everybody needs a bosom for a pillow

Mines made of mammary foam

When I was a teenager, I used to punch my memory foam pillow when my anger was getting beyond control.

Now it's memorized all my moves, and I live in constant fear.

I have the head of a watermelon, the arms of two French baguettes, the chest of two pillows. What am I?

Banned from the supermarket.

After the losing party refuses to accept election results, a country is teetering on the edge of a civil war.

Armed insurgents invade the capitol, threaten violence and are ultimately overpowered. But intelligence shows that they may be planning another attack.

The country’s leaders ask for advice in how to handle the violence.

The winning party yells “Impeach the outgoing president during...

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