I accedentally dropped my pillow on the floor.

I think it has a concushion.

To the person who stole my pillow

I will not rest until I find you!

A mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl as a roommate.

During his meal, his mother couldn't help but notice
how pretty his roommate was. She had long been
suspicious of a relationship between the two and this
had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening while watching the
two interact, she started to wonder if there's mo...

Pillow

My memory foam pillow has amnesia.

Why does the Norwegians put sugar on their pillow?

To have sweet dreams!

I don't understand why women like to have so many pillows on the bed..

You need only one to smother your husband.

So I bought a memory foam pillow second-hand

Got it for a good price, all was good until I laid down and it said "who the [email protected]#k are you?"

I created a poll to see if people preferred pillows stuffed with bird feathers or pillows stuffed with synthetic material.

Synthetic material didn't win. Too many down votes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I put my phone under my pillow last night.

When I woke up it was gone and there was a £1 coin in it's place.

Fucking Bluetooth Fairy!

Hey did you hear about those corduroy pillow cases?

They're making *headlines* everywhere!

Never challenge death to a pillow fight

unless you’re ready to face the reaper cushions

For those who dare steal Death's pillows..

Prepare yourself for the reaper cushions

So a politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

‟So, you’re a politician...”
‟Well, yes, is that a problem?”
‟Oh no, no problem. But we have recently adopted a new system for people in your line of wo...

I tried to cheer myself up by having a pillow fight.

Now I feel more down than I did before.

I used to punch my memory foam pillow whenever I got mad.

Eventually it learned my moves.

Have you guys heard about those new courdoroy pillows?

They’re making “headlines”

So yesterday I put a ruler under my pillow before sleeping

I just wanted to know how long I sleep.

Sometimes my Pillow Talk can get crazy.

But only when it talks back.

I was passing by my son's bedroom and was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, I saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow, addressed to, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, I opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands...

"Dear, Dad.

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.

I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy.

She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of al...

Don't challenge Death to a pillow fight

Unless you're prepared for the Reaper cushions

I asked my Pillow if it wanted a snack

It said “No, thanks I’m stuffed”

After the losing party refuses to accept election results, a country is teetering on the edge of a civil war.

Armed insurgents invade the capitol, threaten violence and are ultimately overpowered. But intelligence shows that they may be planning another attack.

The country’s leaders ask for advice in how to handle the violence.

The winning party yells “Impeach the outgoing president during...

Why do some coffins have pillows? They aint gonna wake up with a sore neck

Thats like thinking about what college you want your unvaccinated kid to go to

What did the blanket say when it fell off the bed?

Look out pillow!

An Englishman and a Laotian go on a business trip together

The Englishman stops by the hotel room of his co-worker and mentions "The pillows here at the hotel are terrible. They are too big and fluffy and my neck really hurts this morning."

The Laotian says "I noticed, so I made my own pillow by getting feathers from the birds on the roof. Here try...

I’m so disappointed.

I found out my pillow case is nothing but a sham.

Guess who’s getting some head tonight

My pillow

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is flying on an airplane.

Several hours into the flight he needs to go to the bathroom, so he goes to the lavatories but they are all occupied and there's quite a queue. He waits for about 10 minutes until he literally cannot hold it any longer.

Just when he's about to burst he sees lady come out of the ladies room in...

Put a spoon under your pillow, cancel school for a day.

Put a bat in your soup, cancel school for a year!

My wife wants to talk to me about my childish behaviour.

Little does she know she can’t enter my pillow fort without the secret password.

Pillow fight

The other day I had a pillow fight with Death. I thought I could win but he beat me embarrasingly easily.

I guess I wasn't ready for the reaper cushions.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ouch!

A man traveling by plane and in urgent need to use the mens room is nervously tapping his foot on the floor of the aircraft. Each time he tried the mens room door, it was "OCCUPIED".

The stewardess, aware of his predicament suggested that he go ahead and use the ladies room, but cautione...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Meanwhile at the airport...

Jimmy and Jason are both workers at the Atlanta airport, typically working outside to re-fuel the planes after they land. One day, a very thick fog rolls in grounding all of the planes. Jimmy and Jason are bored out of their minds with nothing to do.

"I'm really bored," says Jimmy. "I wish...

Here's a joke for English and irish

So 3 people go to the middle East, a German a English and a irish. They get captured and sent to a Prince, the Prince gives them each one wish and 20 whips to the back. The German goes first and asks for a pillow on his back, he gets the pillow and the whips but it doesn't work. Next is the English ...

One time some guy on the street tried to sell me a magical pillow case.

Turns out it was just a sham.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Im sexually attracted to pillows

I sleep with one every night

So a German, an Englishman and an Irishman...

...were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when they were arrested by Saudi police. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so they are all sentenced to death!

However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to ...

What does it mean when a man is in your bed, gasping for breath and calling your name?

You didn't hold down the pillow long enough.

My wife and I had a pillow fight.

The stupid police arrested me saying the term is called ‘smothering’.

I went pillow shopping the other day but I left angry [OC]

The salesman wouldn’t stop talking down to me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After my mother passed away, my wife & I decided that the best care for my wheelchair bound father was to move him into a nursing home.

After touring several, Dad finally agreed on one he seemed quite pleased with, but after only a week he called and wanted to leave ASAP.

"But why Dad?," I asked. "When you first got here, you acted as though you really loved the place."

"They're just too damn controlling."

""Wha...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Old married couple play fart football .

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.' His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'It's fart football.'

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, ‘Touchdown, tie score…’

After ...

Beyonce was just telling me the best way to source product for my new pillow-making side-hustle. I was very surprised when she suggested punching a duck in the face.

I replied - I didn't know you could get down like that.

My mom got upset at me for mercy killing my brother when we were playing Call of Duty

I don’t understand

He didn’t even struggle when I pressed the pillow over his face

I went to court after my pillow charged me with resisting a-rest

I lost the case

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I refuse to have sex unless my girlfriend tries to suffocate me with a pillow.

I'm a smotherfucker.

I was looking for my pillow while I slept.

Turns out it was right under my nose the whole time.

Was about to throw out my old pillows, then I thought

na, I'll sleep on it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Has anyone read the book, "Cum Stains on Her Pillow"

By Mr. Completely

I just invented corduroy pillows

My friends tell me I’m stupid but I think they will make headlines worldwide

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 men are on a rooftop with a wizard. The wizard says that if they jump, the first word they say will break their fall.

The first man jumps and says "Pillows!" and he lands in a pile of pillows. The second man jumps and says "Hay!" and he lands in a pile of hay. The third man then tries to jump, but trips off the edge and says "Shit!"

These long quarantines have been so difficult for many marriages.

Luckily for me I have an amazing wife. Just last night I woke up to her firmly pressing a pillow against my face to protect me from Covid-19.

The quarantine has ruined many marriages but mine is still going strong.

Just the other day I woke up to my beautiful and loving wife holding a pillow tightly over my face to protect me from the coronavirus.

There was once a hillbilly in first grade

His teacher once asked him:

"Do you know what the chicken gives us?"

"Eggs" he answered

"Correct, anything else?"

"More eggs"

"Beside the eggs, what does the chicken give us?"

"Even more eggs, ma'am"

"I'll give you a hint - it's something fluffy"
<...

I said that all pillows are uncomfortable and my friend slapped me.

He said that’s a very blanket statement to make.

I was on my bed, relaxing and eating popcorn, when I noticed my pillow was missing it's pillowcase.

I started looking for it in the darkness of my room(I still had a little bit of light). I saw a blanket-ish shadow in my peripheral vision. I reached for it, thinking it was the pillowcase. However, after pressing down on it and hearing the loud, crinkly noise of a near-empty bag of popcorn, I soon ...

Customer: I'm just not sure I really want to buy this pillow.

Pillow salesman: Well why don't you sleep on it?

Did you hear about the Corduroy pillows in the news?

They’re making HEAD LINES! (my mom told me this one today after I got home from work)

An antivaxxer mom comes home one day...

...to see (or not see, rather) her son, which would usually be playing video games in the living room.

After a couple of minutes of searching far and wide, she had never thought to check his room.

When she opened the door, she saw him silently crying with his face buried in his pillow....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Old Mary and Frank have been having some matrimonial issues...

No matter how hard he tries, Frank just can't bring Mary to orgasm anymore.

They decide to visit the doctor for help, because they love each other, in all the ways, and this lack of intimacy is bringing them both down emotionally.

Thankfully the doctor has the answer. He advises Fran...

My pillow

I designed my own pillow. The pillow to rule all pillows. The perfect dimensions, the perfect stiffness, the perfect material. I sought the finest fabrics from around the globe and set to work on my grandest creation. It took months, but I finished. The last step was to transport it from the se...

How soft is Bill Gate's pillow?

Microsoft.

Memory foam pillows are the worst.

As soon as I lay down on them, I start remembering all the things I messed up during the day.

The Stolen Watch

One day a soldier had his expansive watch stolen.

Seeing as he was deployed with no one but his squadmates around, he went to the squad commander for help.

The squad commander made everyone sit in a circle inside a tent, with a pillow in the middle.

He said, “Listen, we don’t h...

13 days ago I started collecting all the blankets and pillows in my house...

Tomorrow will be a fortnight.

The Tooth Fairy wasn't too impressed with the dentures I left under my pillow...

...Tooth be trolled.

Well, I know it's childish, but me and my girlfriend have just had a great time having a pillow fight and I won!

The secret is to stuff a few bricks in there..

I told my wife I can’t find the matching decorative pillow case...

She said it’s a sham.

Why did the pillow cross the road?

Because it was cooler on the other side.

Once, at an all boys summer camp, I dreamed I ate a giant marshmallow, and when I woke up my pillow was gone. But that's not what freaked me out...

...the night before that I dreamed I was in a hotdog eating contest.

I saw two homeless hitting each other with cardboards

I yelled “pillow fight!!!”

I fell asleep with my iPhone under my pillow last night and when I woke up, it was gone and replaced with a shiny new silver dollar...

Damn that Blue-Tooth Fairy!

Yo momma so fat

She has to wear a pillow case as a face mask

I have the head of a watermelon, the arms of two French baguettes, the chest of two pillows. What am I?

Banned from the supermarket.

I still remember my grandmother’s last words.

‘What’re you doing with that pillow?’

I had a dream that I was eating marshmallows...

...and when I woke up, I discovered I'd chewed my pillow to bits. I'm feeling okay, all things considered. Just a little down in the mouth.

Confucious say

He who sleep on corduroy pillow make headlines

After my retirement at the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas...

... she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

She's like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following let...

A French man, a British man and a Spanish man are caught stealing in a foreign country.

They are prosecuted and the judge sentences them all to 100 lashes each. However he wants to look lenient in the eyes of their respective countries so he reduces the lashes to twenty and allows them to have two requests each before being lashed.

The Spanish is first to be lashed and requests ...

Drinking in Afghanistan

A Scottish man, Englishman and Irishman are caught drinking in Afghanistan,

Since drinking is illegal, they are sentenced to death, the queen is merciful and gives them each a hundred lashings of a whip and a wish before they go up.

The Scottish man is first and wishes for a pillow to ...

The Priest & The Frog...

"One fine sunny morning, the Irish priest took a walk in the local forest. He had been walking by the small stream when he noticed a sad, sad looking frog sitting on a toadstool."

"What's wrong with you?" said the irish priest."

"Well," said the frog, "the reason I am so sad on this fi...

A cat died and went to Heaven

A cat died and went to Heaven. God met the animal at the Pearly Gates and said, “You have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking.”

The cat thought for a moment and then said, “All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard, wooden floors… I would like a...

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