I accedentally dropped my pillow on the floor.

I think it has a concushion.

I created a poll to see if people preferred pillows stuffed with bird feathers or pillows stuffed with synthetic material.

Synthetic material didn't win. Too many down votes.

Why Parents Drink

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed
was nicely made and everything was picked up.
Then he saw an Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and...

I asked my Pillow if it wanted a snack

It said “No, thanks I’m stuffed”

Have you heard the one about the corduroy pillow?

It’s making headlines.

A mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl as a roommate.

During his meal, his mother couldn't help but notice
how pretty his roommate was. She had long been
suspicious of a relationship between the two and this
had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening while watching the
two interact, she started to wonder if there's mo...

Pillow

My memory foam pillow has amnesia.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I put my phone under my pillow last night.

When I woke up it was gone and there was a £1 coin in it's place.

Fucking Bluetooth Fairy!

Have you guys heard about those new courdoroy pillows?

They’re making “headlines”

For those who dare steal Death's pillows..

Prepare yourself for the reaper cushions

So a politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

‟So, you’re a politician...”
‟Well, yes, is that a problem?”
‟Oh no, no problem. But we have recently adopted a new system for people in your line of wo...

So yesterday I put a ruler under my pillow before sleeping

I just wanted to know how long I sleep.

Sometimes my Pillow Talk can get crazy.

But only when it talks back.

I tried to cheer myself up by having a pillow fight.

Now I feel more down than I did before.

Why do some coffins have pillows? They aint gonna wake up with a sore neck

Thats like thinking about what college you want your unvaccinated kid to go to

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ouch!

A man traveling by plane and in urgent need to use the mens room is nervously tapping his foot on the floor of the aircraft. Each time he tried the mens room door, it was "OCCUPIED".

The stewardess, aware of his predicament suggested that he go ahead and use the ladies room, but cautione...

Guess who’s getting some head tonight

My pillow

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Meanwhile at the airport...

Jimmy and Jason are both workers at the Atlanta airport, typically working outside to re-fuel the planes after they land. One day, a very thick fog rolls in grounding all of the planes. Jimmy and Jason are bored out of their minds with nothing to do.

"I'm really bored," says Jimmy. "I wish...

Me: *flips pillow to the cold side*

Everyone else at the funeral- :0

Put a spoon under your pillow, cancel school for a day.

Put a bat in your soup, cancel school for a year!

Pillow fight

The other day I had a pillow fight with Death. I thought I could win but he beat me embarrasingly easily.

I guess I wasn't ready for the reaper cushions.

Here's a joke for English and irish

So 3 people go to the middle East, a German a English and a irish. They get captured and sent to a Prince, the Prince gives them each one wish and 20 whips to the back. The German goes first and asks for a pillow on his back, he gets the pillow and the whips but it doesn't work. Next is the English ...

Don't challenge Death to a pillow fight

Unless you're prepared for the Reaper cushions

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Old married couple play fart football .

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.' His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'It's fart football.'

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, ‘Touchdown, tie score…’

After ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 men are on a rooftop with a wizard. The wizard says that if they jump, the first word they say will break their fall.

The first man jumps and says "Pillows!" and he lands in a pile of pillows. The second man jumps and says "Hay!" and he lands in a pile of hay. The third man then tries to jump, but trips off the edge and says "Shit!"

My wife and I had a pillow fight.

The stupid police arrested me saying the term is called ‘smothering’.

I went pillow shopping the other day but I left angry [OC]

The salesman wouldn’t stop talking down to me.

One time some guy on the street tried to sell me a magical pillow case.

Turns out it was just a sham.

These long quarantines have been so difficult for many marriages.

Luckily for me I have an amazing wife. Just last night I woke up to her firmly pressing a pillow against my face to protect me from Covid-19.

So a German, an Englishman and an Irishman...

...were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when they were arrested by Saudi police. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so they are all sentenced to death!

However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Im sexually attracted to pillows

I sleep with one every night

There was once a hillbilly in first grade

His teacher once asked him:

"Do you know what the chicken gives us?"

"Eggs" he answered

"Correct, anything else?"

"More eggs"

"Beside the eggs, what does the chicken give us?"

"Even more eggs, ma'am"

"I'll give you a hint - it's something fluffy"
<...

The Stolen Watch

One day a soldier had his expansive watch stolen.

Seeing as he was deployed with no one but his squadmates around, he went to the squad commander for help.

The squad commander made everyone sit in a circle inside a tent, with a pillow in the middle.

He said, “Listen, we don’t h...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Old Mary and Frank have been having some matrimonial issues...

No matter how hard he tries, Frank just can't bring Mary to orgasm anymore.

They decide to visit the doctor for help, because they love each other, in all the ways, and this lack of intimacy is bringing them both down emotionally.

Thankfully the doctor has the answer. He advises Fran...

Beyonce was just telling me the best way to source product for my new pillow-making side-hustle. I was very surprised when she suggested punching a duck in the face.

I replied - I didn't know you could get down like that.

I was looking for my pillow while I slept.

Turns out it was right under my nose the whole time.

The quarantine has ruined many marriages but mine is still going strong.

Just the other day I woke up to my beautiful and loving wife holding a pillow tightly over my face to protect me from the coronavirus.

I went to court after my pillow charged me with resisting a-rest

I lost the case

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I refuse to have sex unless my girlfriend tries to suffocate me with a pillow.

I'm a smotherfucker.

An antivaxxer mom comes home one day...

...to see (or not see, rather) her son, which would usually be playing video games in the living room.

After a couple of minutes of searching far and wide, she had never thought to check his room.

When she opened the door, she saw him silently crying with his face buried in his pillow....

Was about to throw out my old pillows, then I thought

na, I'll sleep on it.

I saw two homeless hitting each other with cardboards

I yelled “pillow fight!!!”

I just invented corduroy pillows

My friends tell me I’m stupid but I think they will make headlines worldwide

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Has anyone read the book, "Cum Stains on Her Pillow"

By Mr. Completely

I still remember my grandmother’s last words.

‘What’re you doing with that pillow?’

I said that all pillows are uncomfortable and my friend slapped me.

He said that’s a very blanket statement to make.

Memory foam pillows are the worst.

As soon as I lay down on them, I start remembering all the things I messed up during the day.

Yo momma so fat

She has to wear a pillow case as a face mask

I had a dream that I was eating marshmallows...

...and when I woke up, I discovered I'd chewed my pillow to bits. I'm feeling okay, all things considered. Just a little down in the mouth.

Confucious say

He who sleep on corduroy pillow make headlines

Drinking in Afghanistan

A Scottish man, Englishman and Irishman are caught drinking in Afghanistan,

Since drinking is illegal, they are sentenced to death, the queen is merciful and gives them each a hundred lashings of a whip and a wish before they go up.

The Scottish man is first and wishes for a pillow to ...

I was on my bed, relaxing and eating popcorn, when I noticed my pillow was missing it's pillowcase.

I started looking for it in the darkness of my room(I still had a little bit of light). I saw a blanket-ish shadow in my peripheral vision. I reached for it, thinking it was the pillowcase. However, after pressing down on it and hearing the loud, crinkly noise of a near-empty bag of popcorn, I soon ...

Did you hear about the Corduroy pillows in the news?

They’re making HEAD LINES! (my mom told me this one today after I got home from work)

I’m really glad I didn’t turn out to be a biter, y’know?

Some people, when they’re kids, tend to bite others while playing, which isn’t good. What’s worse is that some never grow out of it, like my mom, apparently. Every so often, I’d hear her and dad playing from across the house, and, every single time, he’d have to tell her to bite the pillows.

As we all stood over my grandmother's coffin, my father lifted her head and put a pillow underneath.

"It was...her favourite pillow," wept my mother suddenly.

"That offers her little comfort now," I replied.

Customer: I'm just not sure I really want to buy this pillow.

Pillow salesman: Well why don't you sleep on it?

What's what?

A very innocent young couple had spent a number of months courting very chastely indeed, not least because they had only the haziest idea of what being unchaste even involved. So at the wedding reception both he and she were being taken aside by their friends and told "Hey! You'll get what's what al...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An elderly woman passes, leaving her life-long husband a lonely widower.

As time goes on, his life begins to unravel as he spirals into a pit of despair. This does not go unnoticed by his adult children, who grasp at any opportunity to cheer him up. Finally, one of them convinces him to grudgingly attend an evening game at the local bingo hall, knowing that he'll be in t...

The Tooth Fairy wasn't too impressed with the dentures I left under my pillow...

...Tooth be trolled.

13 days ago I started collecting all the blankets and pillows in my house...

Tomorrow will be a fortnight.

I told my wife I can’t find the matching decorative pillow case...

She said it’s a sham.

Well, I know it's childish, but me and my girlfriend have just had a great time having a pillow fight and I won!

The secret is to stuff a few bricks in there..

My pillow

I designed my own pillow. The pillow to rule all pillows. The perfect dimensions, the perfect stiffness, the perfect material. I sought the finest fabrics from around the globe and set to work on my grandest creation. It took months, but I finished. The last step was to transport it from the se...

The Priest & The Frog...

"One fine sunny morning, the Irish priest took a walk in the local forest. He had been walking by the small stream when he noticed a sad, sad looking frog sitting on a toadstool."

"What's wrong with you?" said the irish priest."

"Well," said the frog, "the reason I am so sad on this fi...

I found the magic remedy to cure my SO from loudly snoring all night!

I smothered him with a pillow.

Once, at an all boys summer camp, I dreamed I ate a giant marshmallow, and when I woke up my pillow was gone. But that's not what freaked me out...

...the night before that I dreamed I was in a hotdog eating contest.

I fell asleep with my iPhone under my pillow last night and when I woke up, it was gone and replaced with a shiny new silver dollar...

Damn that Blue-Tooth Fairy!

Why did the pillow cross the road?

Because it was cooler on the other side.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 men and a wizard are on top of a tower with no way down, the wizard says to the three men, "jump and say something while falling, and whatever you said will meet you at the bottom"

The first man jumped and yelled "pillows!". The man landed safely on some pillows. The second man jumped and yelled "Hay!". He was saved by landing in a pile of hay. The third man took the longest to jump because he was afraid of heights, but when he finally jumped he look down and yelled "OH CRAP!"

How soft is Bill Gate's pillow?

Microsoft.

A cat died and went to Heaven

A cat died and went to Heaven. God met the animal at the Pearly Gates and said, “You have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking.”

The cat thought for a moment and then said, “All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard, wooden floors… I would like a...

A French man, a British man and a Spanish man are caught stealing in a foreign country.

They are prosecuted and the judge sentences them all to 100 lashes each. However he wants to look lenient in the eyes of their respective countries so he reduces the lashes to twenty and allows them to have two requests each before being lashed.

The Spanish is first to be lashed and requests ...

I have the head of a watermelon, the arms of two French baguettes, the chest of two pillows. What am I?

Banned from the supermarket.

After my retirement at the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas...

... she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

She's like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following let...

Last night, my daughter shouted downstairs, "Dad! My tooth has just fallen out into my drink!" "That's great, darling!" I said. "Put it under your pillow and see what happens."

A few minutes later she shouted, "Nothing's happened dad and now my bed is completely soaked!"

Pillow Talk

What does it mean when your wife is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?

You didn't hold the pillow down long enough

When you have a pillow fight with a memory foam pillow,

that's a pillow fight you'll never forget.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A grandpa tells his teen grandson: "I will put 100 dollars under your pillow if you can find me a viagra pill right now". Ten minutes later grandson gives grandpa a viagra pill.

Next morning grandson looks under his pillow and finds 1,100 dollars. He goes to grandpa and says: "Grandpa what happened? Why did you give me 1,000 dollars more?" and grandpa says: "I only gave you 100 dollars. The rest is from your granny"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So this guy decides to take off work to go golfing.

So he's there on the Green, about to head his ball, when he hears, "Ribbit! Nine-iron!"

He looks down and there's a little frog next to his foot. "What did you say, little frog?"

And the frog repeats. "Ribbit! Nine-iron!"

So the man shrugs, figures what the hell, switches cl...

My girlfriend got into a huge argument with me about a pillow and demanded that I reconsider my stance.

I told her that I'd sleep on it.

A pillow warmer is a stupid idea…

Use your head!

When I was a teenager, I used to punch my memory foam pillow when my anger was getting beyond control.

Now it's memorized all my moves, and I live in constant fear.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

a liverpool fan, an arsenal fan and a manchester united fan were doing illegal drugs

they all got caught and were sent to jail. usually the punishment would be 5 years jail time, but the man in charge said, “it’s my wife’s birthday today, i’m in a great mood! you’ll be let go after 20 whips, and you’ll be given a wish before it” the arsenal fan goes first, he says, “please fix a pil...

Everybody needs a bosom for a pillow

Mines made of mammary foam

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