I don't understand why women like to have so many pillows on the bed..

You need only one to smother your husband.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I put my phone under my pillow last night.

When I woke up it was gone and there was a £1 coin in it's place.

Fucking Bluetooth Fairy!

To the person who stole my pillow

I will not rest until I find you!

I saw an expensive looking body pillow for sale today

I know some people who would pay a 4-Chan for it

Never challenge Death to a pillow fight.

Unless you’re prepared to face the reaper cushions.

I had a dream about a breath freshener left on my pillow.

I ate it and it tasted like a fig. Then I woke up. Guess it was just a fig mint of my imagination.

I told my friend to buy a new pillow

He said he'd sleep on it

I was passing by my son's bedroom and was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, I saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow, addressed to, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, I opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands...

"Dear, Dad.

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.

I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy.

She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of al...

I accedentally dropped my pillow on the floor.

I think it has a concushion.

A mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl as a roommate. During his meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there's more between him and his roommate.

Reading his mom's thought, his son volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, we are just roommates."

About a week later, his roo...

Why does the Norwegians put sugar on their pillow?

To have sweet dreams!

Where’s my pillow?

Not at Bed Bath and Beyond

So I bought a memory foam pillow second-hand

Got it for a good price, all was good until I laid down and it said "who the [email protected]#k are you?"

Have you heard the news?

Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

Hey did you hear about those corduroy pillow cases?

They're making *headlines* everywhere!

I used to punch my memory foam pillow whenever I got mad.

Eventually it learned my moves.

I created a poll to see if people preferred pillows stuffed with bird feathers or pillows stuffed with synthetic material.

Synthetic material didn't win. Too many down votes.

Pillow

My memory foam pillow has amnesia.

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What the tooth fairy looks like

This came from the book “chicken soup for the dental soul” my dentist had it in the waiting room.

I’m quoting from memory.

A 5 year old girl just lost a baby tooth and the dentist was explaining to her that if she put her tooth under the pillow at night that the tooth fairy would come ...

An Australian rugby fan, a South African rugby fan and a New Zealand rugby fan are all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze...

...when Saudi police rush in and arrest them.

The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for consuming the booze they are all sentenced to death. However, after many months and with the help of good lawyers, they are able successfully to appeal their sentences dow...

A thug walks into a bar.

He sees a lone man sitting in front of his beer, crying.
He walks up to him, pushes him off the chair, slaps him left and right in the face and drinks his beer.

The man then started crying even louder and sobbing in absolute desperation.
The thug, annoyed, yelled: Why are you crying lik...

What looses a head every morning but gets it back every night?

A pillow

Ever have a dream that you are eating a gigantic marshmallow...

And wake up with your pillow missing?

I'm $20 away from ending my sick mother's suffering

Should cost that for a decent soundproof pillow

Why do some coffins have pillows? They aint gonna wake up with a sore neck

Thats like thinking about what college you want your unvaccinated kid to go to

For those who dare steal Death's pillows..

Prepare yourself for the reaper cushions

I tried to cheer myself up by having a pillow fight.

Now I feel more down than I did before.

Sometimes my Pillow Talk can get crazy.

But only when it talks back.

So yesterday I put a ruler under my pillow before sleeping

I just wanted to know how long I sleep.

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A man rides a train

A man is riding on a train, he needs to use the restroom but the Men’s is occupied so he sneaks into the Woman’s. While he is doing his business he notices three buttons on the wall, W, F and ATR. His curiosity gets the best of him and he decides to push the W button. A gentle warm stream of water s...

How did the man who invented the bed of stone die?

In a pillow fight

I thought about buying a pillow from mypillow.com

But then I realized it was *his* pillow

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Men's room was closed!

A guy had to go very badly, and the Men's room was closed. Looking around, he see's there are no women in the bathroom.


He sits down, and notices three buttons in front of him marked, WW, WA, and ATR. Curiosity gets the better of him so he decides to press WW. Suddenly, warm wate...

My wife told me I was immature...

So I told her to get out of my pillow fort.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A daughter takes her old father to a retirement home

A daughter takes her old father in a wheelchair to a retirement home for the first time. The nurse, expecting their arrival, greets them with, "Welcome to the Johnson family retirement home! We think you'll feel quite at home here! Please follow me and I'll show you around." The nurse pushes the...

So a politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

‟So, you’re a politician...”
‟Well, yes, is that a problem?”
‟Oh no, no problem. But we have recently adopted a new system for people in your line of wo...

I asked my Pillow if it wanted a snack

It said “No, thanks I’m stuffed”

An Englishman, a Frenchman and an Irishman are going to get flogged.

They can each have one thing on their backs.

The Englishman says "I will have a pillow on my back"

The Frenchman says "I will have nothing on my back"

The Irishman says "I'll have the Frenchman"

One time some guy on the street tried to sell me a magical pillow case.

Turns out it was just a sham.

A Brit, a Spaniard, and a Frenchman

A Englishman, a French man, and a Spanish man are caught stealing in a foreign country. They are prosecuted and the judge sentences them all to 100 lashes each. However he wants to look lenient in the eyes of their respective countries, so he reduces the lashes to twenty and allows them to have two ...

Pillow fight

The other day I had a pillow fight with Death. I thought I could win but he beat me embarrasingly easily.

I guess I wasn't ready for the reaper cushions.

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(Censored version so it doesn’t get taken down again) Three men climb to the top of a tall mountain

Suddenly, it begins raining, therefore the three men won’t be able to get back down safely until the rain stops. Suddenly, a genie appears and informs the men that if they name an object, they will be able to jump off the mountain and land on that object. “Pillows,” says the first man. The man then ...

My wife and I had a pillow fight.

The stupid police arrested me saying the term is called ‘smothering’.

Guess who’s getting some head tonight

My pillow

I went pillow shopping the other day but I left angry [OC]

The salesman wouldn’t stop talking down to me.

I was on my bed, relaxing and eating popcorn, when I noticed my pillow was missing it's pillowcase.

I started looking for it in the darkness of my room(I still had a little bit of light). I saw a blanket-ish shadow in my peripheral vision. I reached for it, thinking it was the pillowcase. However, after pressing down on it and hearing the loud, crinkly noise of a near-empty bag of popcorn, I soon ...

Put a spoon under your pillow, cancel school for a day.

Put a bat in your soup, cancel school for a year!

After the losing party refuses to accept election results, a country is teetering on the edge of a civil war.

Armed insurgents invade the capitol, threaten violence and are ultimately overpowered. But intelligence shows that they may be planning another attack.

The country’s leaders ask for advice in how to handle the violence.

The winning party yells “Impeach the outgoing president during...

I went to court after my pillow charged me with resisting a-rest

I lost the case

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom

In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied. A nurse noticed his predicament.

Sir, she said "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."

He did what he needed t...

My wife asked me if I was together with my mother on her deathbed?

I answered: Of course, who did you think held the pillow?

Beyonce was just telling me the best way to source product for my new pillow-making side-hustle. I was very surprised when she suggested punching a duck in the face.

I replied - I didn't know you could get down like that.

I was looking for my pillow while I slept.

Turns out it was right under my nose the whole time.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Has anyone read the book, "Cum Stains on Her Pillow"

By Mr. Completely

What did the blanket say when it fell off the bed?

Look out pillow!

Was about to throw out my old pillows, then I thought

na, I'll sleep on it.

How soft is Bill Gate's pillow?

Microsoft.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I refuse to have sex unless my girlfriend tries to suffocate me with a pillow.

I'm a smotherfucker.

Here's a joke for English and irish

So 3 people go to the middle East, a German a English and a irish. They get captured and sent to a Prince, the Prince gives them each one wish and 20 whips to the back. The German goes first and asks for a pillow on his back, he gets the pillow and the whips but it doesn't work. Next is the English ...

I just invented corduroy pillows

My friends tell me I’m stupid but I think they will make headlines worldwide

Customer: I'm just not sure I really want to buy this pillow.

Pillow salesman: Well why don't you sleep on it?

Well, I know it's childish, but me and my girlfriend have just had a great time having a pillow fight and I won!

The secret is to stuff a few bricks in there..

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ouch!

A man traveling by plane and in urgent need to use the mens room is nervously tapping his foot on the floor of the aircraft. Each time he tried the mens room door, it was "OCCUPIED".

The stewardess, aware of his predicament suggested that he go ahead and use the ladies room, but cautione...

Did you hear about the Corduroy pillows in the news?

They’re making HEAD LINES! (my mom told me this one today after I got home from work)

My pillow

I designed my own pillow. The pillow to rule all pillows. The perfect dimensions, the perfect stiffness, the perfect material. I sought the finest fabrics from around the globe and set to work on my grandest creation. It took months, but I finished. The last step was to transport it from the se...

Memory foam pillows are the worst.

As soon as I lay down on them, I start remembering all the things I messed up during the day.

I said that all pillows are uncomfortable and my friend slapped me.

He said that’s a very blanket statement to make.

As we all stood over my grandmother's coffin, my father lifted her head and put a pillow underneath.

"It was...her favourite pillow," wept my mother suddenly.

"That offers her little comfort now," I replied.

Why did the pillow cross the road?

Because it was cooler on the other side.

The Tooth Fairy wasn't too impressed with the dentures I left under my pillow...

...Tooth be trolled.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Meanwhile at the airport...

Jimmy and Jason are both workers at the Atlanta airport, typically working outside to re-fuel the planes after they land. One day, a very thick fog rolls in grounding all of the planes. Jimmy and Jason are bored out of their minds with nothing to do.

"I'm really bored," says Jimmy. "I wish...

An Englishman and a Laotian go on a business trip together

The Englishman stops by the hotel room of his co-worker and mentions "The pillows here at the hotel are terrible. They are too big and fluffy and my neck really hurts this morning."

The Laotian says "I noticed, so I made my own pillow by getting feathers from the birds on the roof. Here try...

I fell asleep with my iPhone under my pillow last night and when I woke up, it was gone and replaced with a shiny new silver dollar...

Damn that Blue-Tooth Fairy!

My wife wants to talk to me about my childish behaviour.

Little does she know she can’t enter my pillow fort without the secret password.

I told my wife I can’t find the matching decorative pillow case...

She said it’s a sham.

Last night, my daughter shouted downstairs, "Dad! My tooth has just fallen out into my drink!" "That's great, darling!" I said. "Put it under your pillow and see what happens."

A few minutes later she shouted, "Nothing's happened dad and now my bed is completely soaked!"

I’m so disappointed.

I found out my pillow case is nothing but a sham.

Once, at an all boys summer camp, I dreamed I ate a giant marshmallow, and when I woke up my pillow was gone. But that's not what freaked me out...

...the night before that I dreamed I was in a hotdog eating contest.

I have the head of a watermelon, the arms of two French baguettes, the chest of two pillows. What am I?

Banned from the supermarket.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Old married couple play fart football .

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.' His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'It's fart football.'

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, ‘Touchdown, tie score…’

After ...

When you have a pillow fight with a memory foam pillow,

that's a pillow fight you'll never forget.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A grandpa tells his teen grandson: "I will put 100 dollars under your pillow if you can find me a viagra pill right now". Ten minutes later grandson gives grandpa a viagra pill.

Next morning grandson looks under his pillow and finds 1,100 dollars. He goes to grandpa and says: "Grandpa what happened? Why did you give me 1,000 dollars more?" and grandpa says: "I only gave you 100 dollars. The rest is from your granny"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is flying on an airplane.

Several hours into the flight he needs to go to the bathroom, so he goes to the lavatories but they are all occupied and there's quite a queue. He waits for about 10 minutes until he literally cannot hold it any longer.

Just when he's about to burst he sees lady come out of the ladies room in...

A pillow warmer is a stupid idea…

Use your head!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

an Indian man, an English man, and a American are forced to jump of a building by a wizard

the wizard says you have to jump off, but while you fall whatever you say will appear below you.

the English man jumps off and says "pillows" and lands on a pile of pillows

the Indian jumps off and says "hay" and lands on a pile of hay

the American jumps off and yells "oh crap!"

Pillow Talk

What does it mean when your wife is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?

You didn't hold the pillow down long enough

Everybody needs a bosom for a pillow

Mines made of mammary foam

When I was a teenager, I used to punch my memory foam pillow when my anger was getting beyond control.

Now it's memorized all my moves, and I live in constant fear.

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