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Sessions Jokes

I think my wife has weekly sessions with the devil on how to be more evil.

I don't know what she charges him for it though.




Edit: Considering the attention, I should attribute this to the great Emo Phillips:

"People come up to me concerned... I'll reproduce"

"People come up to me and ask, Emo, do people really come up to you?"

"I len...

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Trump, Pence, Bannon, Sessions, Pompeo, Flynn, Priebus, Tillerson.

Not sure Trump knows this but traditionally, you only need 4 horsemen.

After 12 years of regular counselling sessions,

my psychiatrist said something that made me cry like a baby.

He said: “No hablo ingles.”

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A therapy support group session.

A psychiatrist was conducting a therapy support group session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he stated.

To the first mother he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy.

"He turned to the second mother and s...

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My therapist said I could book 10 sessions in advance for ÂŁ5000.

She must think I'm crazy!!

Lots of people thought I was a fool for going into debt because I overspent on therapy sessions.

But now I'm laughing all the way to the bank.

What's the difference between Jeff Sessions and a book about Jeff Sessions?

The book has a spine.

How many psychiatrists are needed to change a lightbulb?

Just one, but they'll be more than 20 sessions to find that the lightbulb doesn't need to change.

Trump fired Jeff Sessions

The only confederate Monument he is actually willing to take down.

I've uploaded all my Satan-worshipping sessions to youtube

You can guess they've all been demonetized.

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It's my birthday today and I'm fucking fuming with my family, they all clubbed together to get me a course of psychiatric therapy sessions.

I'd asked for a crossbow.

I discovered my mother in law has weekly sessions with Lucifer himself on how to be even more vicious.

I’ve no idea what kind of fees she’s charging him.

Anybody out there interested in having occasional platonic hangout sessions?

Asking for a friend.

Shocked to discover my masseur sold the rights to footage of our sessions.

I’m told it will be a neck-fix exclusive.

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A woman had been seeing a psychiatrist for several sessions.

At the end of one of them, she said to the shrink, "I have a question that's been bugging me for weeks."

The psychiatrist said, "What do you need to know?"

The woman replied, "You have been talking about phallic symbols. What's a phallus?"

The psychiatrist was take aback by the...

AG Sessions is a Keebler elf isolationist

and he is afraid weed is making cookies too mainstream

I heard a Jeff Sessions joke yesterday

But I can't recall it now.

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In Feudal Japan, 2 Samurai families are constantly at war...

One day, the eldest sons of the two Families got together and decided to put a stop to all the fighting and bloodshed between their clans. To the dismay of their closest relatives and companions, the two announce that they had agreed - they were going to have a duel to the death. The winner would b...

Jeff Sessions was asked why the telemarketing company fired him

He did not recall

Did any news come out of Attorney General Jeff Sessions testimony?

“I don’t recall.”

What do you call a guy who always refuses to give up his long “reading” sessions on the morning throne?

A Poo’er Aeternus

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Bob loves tractors…

Bob’s wife threatens him with divorce if he doesn’t seek help for his obsession with tractors.

He fucking loves tractors. He has tractor-branded t-shirts, ties, socks, bags, glassware, posters, multiple subscriptions to various tractor magazines. You name it, he’s got it.

Fearing losin...

3 months of thorough dedication, proper diet and workout sessions but now the time has come, it is cheat day

can't wait to sleep with my girlfriend's sister.

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So there's a farm. On this farm, there's a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.

They do just about everything together. And one day, they're sitting at the window of the house, and the farmer's kid is watching MTV, and they're watching it, and they hear the music, and the horse says "you know what? I'm gonna learn how to do that."

So the horse calls up Guitar Center, and...

Mr Sessions... Do you swear to give the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?

"Da"

I want to share a recent experience about drinking and driving.

As you know, some of us have had brushes with authorities on our way home from late night "social sessions". A couple of nights ago I was out with some friends having a few drinks and let's just say I may have had a few too many. Knowing that I was "slightly" over the limit, I did something I had ...

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[NSFW] A fat guy decides to lose some weight

He heard that a company is running a special weight-loss program. Curious, he decided to sign up for a session.

He is taken to a basketball court. Standing in the middle of the court is a naked woman with a sign around her neck.

"If you catch me, you can fuck me in the ass."

Th...

"Mr. Sessions, thank you for agreeing to testify before us today. Could you please tell us, what did you discuss with the Russian ambassador?"

"Our grandchildren."

There was this astronomer.

He browsed r/jokes everyday and after a while he realised that the same jokes were posted over and over again.

He decided to start posting one joke a day, after his morning astronomy sessions.

His jokes were always well received and every so often one of his jokes would reach the fro...

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The old man and the blond

An 80 year old Oil billionaire and a 25-year-old blonde runway model are getting married today.

In an effort to prove that she wasn’t out for the old man’s money, she asked her husband to arrange for separate honeymoon suites.

This way after the marriage was consummated, he could go b...

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Mickey Mouse and Minnie go to see a marriage guidance counsellor.

He talks to them both briefly and then starts one to one sessions. He talks to Minnie first in private. He comes out and approaches Mickey and says "I cannot see any evidence of your wifes insanity" to which Mickey replies "I didn't say she was insane, I said she was fucking Goofy"

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