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Semester Jokes

"I do not tolerate tardiness," a professor tells his class at the beginning on the semester.

Looking out at the sea of stricken faces in the large lecture hall he continues. "There are 300 of you, and only one of me. I will not allow you to waste my time. If you are late to class, I will count you as absent for the day. If you hand in an assignment late, it will not count towards your grade...

An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics.

The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: "Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist."

Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion...

A man on his retirement, purchased a house situated near a high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace, then the new school year began. One afternoon early into the first semester, three young boys came down the street, beating merrily on every bin they passed.

They did this the following day and the day's after that, for a week, until the man decided it was time to take some action.

The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the boys as they banged their way down the street.

Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. In fact, I used ...

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A freshman college woman is midway through the semester...

...and at her current rate of academic performance she's going to fail one of her classes. So after class she approaches the professor, a mid 40s man, and says "professor, I'll do anything to pass this class." The professor replies "My office hours are on the syllabus, you're free to come by and tal...

I have my end semester exam tomorrow

The joke is that I couldn't get into college

You can call me Ariel after this semester...

Because my grades are under the C.

So, last semester I met this guy in my business class

He was cool & an international student. His name was Ving and was from China. His English was really good for a second language, better than I could ever be learning a second language. We’d often hang out and I show him the sites and tourist destinations in my city. He's much cooler as well as b...

I signed up for Binary 101 this semester and I’m failing in all the exams.

Turns out it is a level 5 course.

The lone brunette in a family of blondes, Tamara, returns home from her first semester at university.

Her family was super excited to see her, especially her younger sister, Lisa. Tamara was the first person in the family to go to university and she had a million questions for her.

When they finally got some time alone, Lisa began peppering Tamara with questions.

“What was your favor...

I'm stoked to have my final college test of the semester tomorrow!

Wish me merry Xams!

A boy was driving home to Minnesota from his first semester of college...

...in California for winter break. He had the car packed and he left after his last final. He wanted to make good time so he drove all night, but as the sun came up his stomach started to rumble...it was time for breakfast!

He pulled into a mom and pop diner and it looked exactly like you'd e...

Parents: Got any A’s this semester

Me: Go Fish

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A kid comes back from his first semester of college...

Son: “Dad I think my roommate might be gay.”

Dad: “What makes you say that?”

Son: “Well, because every time I suck his dick it tastes like shit.”

After spending a semester of my engineering degree studying the construction of the channel tunnel.

I can reveal it was dug by a huge boring machine.

Signing up for Marine biology this semester was disappointing.

I never learned what’s going on in Le Pen’s head.

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A young jackaroo from outback Queensland goes off to university, but halfway through the semester he foolishly has squandered all of his money.

He calls home. 'Dad,' he says, 'you won't believe what modern education is developing. They actually have a program here in Brisbane that will teach our dog Ol' Blue how to talk.'

'That's amazing!' his Dad says. 'How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?'

'Just send him down here with $...

*Early semester* Teacher: We'll go through this topic in detail in later classes

*Later into semester* Teacher: I remember going through this topic in earlier classes so I'm going to skip it.
Students: wtf?

I learned a lot of Mandarin in just one semester!

Though I could have sworn the syllabus said "Calculus 2".

A college student is taking an end of the semester test for his bird study class

He realizes that if he studies the whole night, he can ace the final and get a good grade. So he pulls an all-nighter and feels good about the material. The next day, he arrives to his class, and the test begins. The thing he neglected to study was identifying certain birds by their footprint. This ...

I studied abroad the first semester of my junior year

Then she closed her blinds

I took an Economics class last semester and it finally clicked why my Priest is so against abortion.

Supply and Demand

I would have gotten As in all my classes last semester if it weren't for Genetics

Why do I have to have such idiots for parents

I miss the days when I could just do crazy things. Like once I went an entire semester only wearing clothes I made out of notebook paper.

College ruled.

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Last semester I had an English teacher names Mrs. Gaye

She was a huge homophone.

A young boy is doing poorly in math at public school. His mother decides to send him to private school to rectify the situation. Lo and behold, after a semester in the new private Catholic school, the boy's grades were straight A's, even in math!

Surprised, his mother asked him how he liked his new school. "Oh, it's all right, I guess," he replies. "They must be teaching you some new tricks!" "Not really." "Then what do you think is making the difference in your grades?" "Well", he says, "as soon as I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I ...

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A college student does a semester abroad, and lands in the Shetland Islands...[this one benefits from a fine Scots brogue!]

He's doing some research into a certain strain of peat that grows up there in the harsh, cold Shetland climate, and he takes a plane to a boat to a small plane to a ferry, and arrives around midnight.

And nobody is there. Nobody at the ferry pier, nobody in the streets. He finds the address o...

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When a lonely frog consults a fortune-teller

he's told not to worry. "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl," she says, "and she will want to know everything about you."

"That's great!" says the excited frog.

"When will I meet her?"

"Next semester," says the psychic, "in biology class."

A beautiful female student was in danger of flunking her middle-aged male professor's course

It was near the end of the semester and she came to class in a short skirt and low-cut top. After the other students left the classroom she approached the prof.

"You know, I'd do *anything* to pass this class," she said flirtatiously.

The professor lowered his voice and looked down his...

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A guy named John was sitting in the back of his French class...

As usual for John, he wasn't doing his work and was drifting off to sleep. His teacher saw this every day, but generally ignored him.

So, as the semester goes by, John does the same thing every day. Then, on one of the last days of the semester, Mrs.Meyers, the French teacher, says to him:...

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A collection of lightbulb jokes

How many Mexicans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
-Just Juan

How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
-Two. One to hold the lightbulb and one to drink until the room spins.

How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
-Just two but who knows how the...

I was so excited when my son left for college to become a clockmaker...

...Until he dropped out after a semester. Turns out, he thought studying Horology was something completely different.

This girl in my museum studies class said she likes touching old things.

I want to make this a good semester for her.

You can now major in Marijuana at some universities

Guess grades are going to be a little higher this semester!

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I got fucked hard while in college

Here is what she said while I was getting fucked:

"Despite what we told you earlier you need to take another class to graduate. The next semester will be around $40000 just like they've all been."

American spy goes undercover to a Russian university as a student

After one semester he is expelled. His supervisor asks him what happened.

- I don’t understand! Everyone goes to the sauna, I go to the sauna too. Everyone goes drinking, I go drinking too. Everyone gets hookers, I get hookers too. Everyone passed their exams, I didn’t.

So a college teacher is talking to his male students...

"Access to the women's dorms is strictly prohibited. If someone is caught there for the first time, they will suffer a fine of 100 dollars. The second offence will involve a 300 dollar fine. Getting caught there for the third time will cost you a hefty fine of 500 dollars."

Suddenly, a studen...

A high school student struggles to pass his tests but decides, one day, to pull himself together.

After weeks of hard work and dedication, his grades start picking up.

A month passes and the semester is finally over.

He approaches his father and shows him his grades.

The father looks dramatically into his son's eyes and says:



"long time no C".

A guy goes to work and before he even gets a chance to sit his personal assistant starts reporting

\-"our profits have diminished by 5%, we lost the job in China meaning we look at another 10% losses by the end of the semester, Mr. Jones has given us his resignation, your wife called and said that she is leaving you and she is taking the children with her and the big boss wanted to see you asap a...

A Jewish boy was failing math.

His mother had tried everything. Special classes, private tutors and even a summer at a math camp. Nothing worked. Desperate, she decided to send her son to a Catholic school one of her friends had recommended.

The boy came home the first day, slammed his coat on the table, ran to his room a...

Hey dad can you pass the salt?

I don't know son, can you pass the semester?

I Currently Teach a Class about Suicide

First Semester has been good so far, I Single Handedly Prevented the entire class from having suicidal thoughts or actually going through with it.

I Promised the class that I would do a suicide demonstration to show the perspective of a dead person. Ill be posting my experience in a few minut...

What's the difference between mayonnaise and aioli?

Aioli did a semester abroad

How many Alabama football players does it take to change a light bulb?

The entire team, and they all get a semester's credit for it.

A Priest Teaching Anatomy at an All Boy's School

The priest is handing out graded homework papers. He says, "I don't understand why you boys can't understand the male anatomy. I've been pounding it into you all semester."

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Let me get your mom...

My son came home from his first semester at college. That evening we were talking about how it was going for him.

“I like my classes, I’ve made a lot of friends...but I think my dormitory roommate might be gay.”

I said, “You know son, that’s okay...you were raised to treat everyone th...

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Billy was the first person in his small town to go to college.

After he’d been there a few weeks, he lost all his money at a fraternity card game. He thought about his options and had an idea.

His father had just written him to ask how things were going. Billy wrote back and said, “Dad, you won’t BELIEVE what they can do at this school! They can teach...

History Professor

A History Professor is welcoming a fresh intake of undergraduates and decides it is worth having a little fun to settle down the nervous young adults.

He looks at the register to see which students are in his class this semester.

“Do we have a Miss Butcher here?” He asks and a hand i...

Why did the grizzly get an A+ in his hibernation class?

He slept through the entire semester.

Jim Just Started a Class on Logic

On the Friday before the first weekend of the semester, the Professor announces that there will be a quiz the following week, and it will be a surprise. By a "surprise", he clarifies that while he knows when the quiz will be, the students **will not know** which day the quiz will be ahead of time, s...

Nic Cage was a straight A highschool student

but he slacked off one semester.

When he got his report card, he shouted "Bs! Not the Bs!"

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College Anatomy class

A professor at a university was starting a lecture for his new students.

He says "Welcome to college anatomy 101 where we'll be discussing everything about the human body. Some things that we'll discuss may make you feel a little awkward, but don't worry about that."

To test the leve...

The Teachers New Name

Ms.Johnson has been teaching high school for years. She always showed up early and always left late. Before the start of the next semester, all the new students in Ms.Johnsons class found out that she will now be known as Ms.Simmons.

On the first day of class all the students started to congr...

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A little haiku about finals.

I am really fucked.

Where did the semester go?

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

Cure

A college professor at a small liberal arts college in Ohio removed a tennis ball from his jacket pocket as he walked into the lecture hall each morning. He would set it on the corner of the podium. After giving the lecture for the day, he would pick up the tennis ball, place it in his jacket pocket...

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A teacher and his students are in the Anatomy class.

It's the first class of the semester, and everyone is eager to learn.

The professor starts "The first thing one has to do to become a good doctor is to be a good observant. The second one is to never, ever feel disgusted by anything."

After this observation, the teacher leads the stud...

It’s the first day for a fraternity...

It’s the first day for a fraternity, and the dean is explaining the rules to the new pledges. He sternly advises them, “And I must warn you of the curfew for this semester. If I catch any of you in the women’s dorms past eight o'clock at night, it’s fifty dollars for the first time, a hundred dollar...

An attractive student goes up to her young professor...

and she says to him "I want an A for this semester!"

He says "No."

She then says "Please... I will do *anything* to get an A..."

The professor's expression softens. "Anything...?"

The student nods.

The professor says "So would you like to... study?"

A father tells his son a trick

Father: Heard your class is going swimming as a fitness module this semester, here’s a trick to impress the girls. Place a potato in your swimming trunks.

Son: That sounds amazing! I cant wait to try it out in school!


A few days later, the father came home from work only to find hi...

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Do you own a lawnmower?

Two redneck friends, Jimbo and Billy Bob, wanted to go back to school, so they enrolled at the local community college and met with the dean of admissions. Jimbo is called in first.

Dean: "Well, I got the standard general education courses for you this coming semester, such as science and Eng...

Philosophy Exam

It’s nearing the end of the semester at a prestigious university of philosophy. The 100+ students wait eagerly for the professor to enter the auditorium & begin their final exam. They all have their notebooks out, as the final is open book. The professor enters and, without saying a word, puts h...

Warning: Dad humor following.

John was so proud of his son for being the first one from their town to ever go to college. At the mill John would brag, "My boy is the smartest this town has ever seen!"

The boy returned after his first semester from college. The town gathered amazed at the boy prodigy. "Go on, son, tell 'e...

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Son was causing problems...

He didn't study, was rude to everyone, never listened to anyone. Dad tried various things to get him in line but nothing helped.

One night when dad was meeting with his friends, he asked them for advice. He heard again the things he already tried. Then one of the guys sugested that he should...

Group work can be tough...

I'm taking European history for a 'social studies' credit. Closer to the end of the semester we had a group project and my group ended up with the united kingdom as our topic. Almost immediately we ran into problems though because everyone was against group work and organizing this was growing ever ...

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The Bard [Long]

Suzie was the teacher's pet - A's in every class. One day a stranger stood in front of the lecture hall for her writing course.
'Sorry students, your professor has been in a terrible accident and I will be leading this course for the remainder of the year.'
No problem - Suzie looked forward to...

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The Excuse

This past fall semester, at Duke University, there were two sophomores who were taking Organic Chemistry and who did pretty well on all of the quizzes, midterms, labs, etc. Going into the final exam, they had solid "A's."

These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weeke...

A science teacher asks her student to stay after class because he repeatedly doesn't hand in his homework...

"Billy," the teacher says, "If you don't hand in your homework one more time you will fail the semester."

"But I have a reason for why I haven't," responded Billy.

"And what is that?" Asks the teacher.

"Well, we have been studying multiverse theory, so that means that there are ...

A Jewish couple are having trouble teaching their son math.

They try several schools and tutors, and his math scores remain abysmal. Eventually, there's only one school left in town. It's a Catholic school, and the Jewish parents are uneasy about sending their son. But, after looking at the school's amazing academic records, they decide it would be selfish t...

College money...

There was a kid that went to college, and his Dad sent him enough money for the whole year, well the kid blew through that in the first half of the first semester.

He didn't want to just ask his Dad for more money because he knew he probably wouldn't give it to him.

So he calls his...

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Johnny Hated Math....

...his grades were terrible and he had stopped trying. Johnny's attitude in school was obnoxious, and his parents didn't know what to do.

Finally, they decided to enroll Johnny in the local Catholic school, even though they're not religious people and have never stepped foot in a church.
...

The Jewish Kid at the Catholic School

A Jewish family just moved into a new town because of the fathers work and are looking for a good school for their son to attend. Since the public schools are notoriously terrible, they look to the private schools. After asking around, they learn that St. John's Academy is by far their best option. ...

A Student in Israel

David, an American student went to Israel for a semester to study abroad at the Hebrew University of Jerusalem. As part of his program he was placed with a host family for housing. An elderly gentleman named Joshua Levin welcomed him into the large home with many rooms.

As Joshua gave a tour ...

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